Texts From Last Night · selfsong's Favorites

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selfsong's Favorites Texts:

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(563): View more from Iowa

Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that

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(847): View more from Illinois

He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.

(312): View more from Illinois

So... He's a barber?

(847): View more from Illinois

No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?

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(+49): View more from Germany

I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!

(303): View more from Colorado

It's a Tuesday.

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(571): View more from Virginia

Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero

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(661): View more from California

I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.

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(315): View more from New York

she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot

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(519): View more from Ontario

Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours

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(601): View more from Mississippi

The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.

(615): View more from Tennessee

My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.

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(805): View more from California

We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever

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(270): View more from Kentucky

him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.

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(512): View more from Texas

well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.

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(516): View more from New York

He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.

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(949): View more from California

I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem

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(714): View more from California

I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night

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(940): View more from Texas

Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.

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(415): View more from California

She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.

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(480): View more from Arizona

You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show

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(979): View more from Texas

Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.

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(515): View more from Iowa

She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during

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(703): View more from Virginia

I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.

(757): View more from Virginia

you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk

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(505): View more from New Mexico

were you high?

(1-505): View more from New Mexico

When?

(1-505): View more from New Mexico

Actually just blanket yes to that question

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(303): View more from Colorado

She's just so happy...and so naked.

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(807): View more from Ontario

Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath

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(850): View more from Florida

Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model

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(716): View more from New York

i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.

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(516): View more from New York

I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.

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(530): View more from California

Maybe I'm a robot.

(831): View more from California

You can't be that drunk already

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(303): View more from Colorado

Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time

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(779): View more from Illinois

I smell like gasoline and adventure.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.

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(301): View more from Maryland

And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble

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(801): View more from Utah

I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...

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(816): View more from Missouri

My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles

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(360): View more from Washington

thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking

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(614): View more from Ohio

This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!

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(207): View more from Maine

someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?

(1-207): View more from Maine

since 2006

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.

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(925): View more from California

All I want is tacobeell and your body

(1-925): View more from California

that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.

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(770): View more from Georgia

i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.

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(949): View more from California

Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym

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(703): View more from Virginia

it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp

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(815): View more from Illinois

My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.

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(518): View more from New York

I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.

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(510): View more from California

I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay

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(407): View more from Florida

I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.

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(206): View more from Washington

What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?

(425): View more from Washington

Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.

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(607): View more from New York

You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.

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(925): View more from California

I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.

(1-925): View more from California

We just have a real special relationship.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.

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(917): View more from New York City

I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.

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(916): View more from California

So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

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(941): View more from Florida

We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

This is the high leading the old right now

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(916): View more from California

But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.

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(646): View more from New York

This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie

(347): View more from New York

It's not

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(630): View more from Illinois

I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us

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(305): View more from Florida

New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'

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(541): View more from Oregon

I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person

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(843): View more from South Carolina

i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex

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(731): View more from Tennessee

all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were

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(360): View more from Washington

I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.

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(631): View more from New York

Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.

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(806): View more from Texas

Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.

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(646): View more from New York

I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?

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(217): View more from Illinois

Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns

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(513): View more from Ohio

Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?

(505): View more from New Mexico

yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.

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(406): View more from Montana

They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl

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(503): View more from Oregon

You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.

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(703): View more from Virginia

The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.

(703): View more from Virginia

The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.

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(212): View more from New York

You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.

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(646): View more from New York

How was the rest of your night?

(917): View more from New York City

A little fuzzy and a lot naked.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction

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(279): View more from

Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?

(574): View more from Indiana

You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you

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(316): View more from Kansas

There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.

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(509): View more from Washington

Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours

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(641): View more from Iowa

Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.

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(909): View more from California

I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn

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(231): View more from Michigan

My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....

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(905): View more from Ontario

Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental

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(805): View more from California

I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.

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(941): View more from Florida

It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.

(1-941): View more from Florida

Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.

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(928): View more from Arizona

My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.

(308): View more from Nebraska

Pass the awkward sauce please.

(928): View more from Arizona

I'm drowning in it here

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.

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(847): View more from Illinois

The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.

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(281): View more from Texas

Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.

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(650): View more from California

I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.

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(512): View more from Texas

By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you

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(623): View more from Arizona

How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?

(1-623): View more from Arizona

You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future

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(541): View more from Oregon

I want a burrito.

(1-541): View more from Oregon

Truly, you are the voice of a generation.

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(712): View more from Iowa

I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love

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(108): View more from

Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly

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(301): View more from Maryland

Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up

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(218): View more from Minnesota

You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

That was an excessively violent trivia night

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(208): View more from Idaho

I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader

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(906): View more from Michigan

I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner

(503): View more from Oregon

Soooo, coming over soon?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.

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(435): View more from Utah

For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You slow clapped the stripper last night.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..

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(937): View more from Ohio

We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon

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(845): View more from New York

you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.

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(586): View more from Michigan

you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer

(1-586): View more from Michigan

Ok let me change into clothes i can run in

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(760): View more from California

Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.

(1-760): View more from California

Party city is having a sale on maracas

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(714): View more from California

A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.

(1-714): View more from California

YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES

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(253): View more from Washington

I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes

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(406): View more from Montana

I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.

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(712): View more from Iowa

That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance

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(816): View more from Missouri

We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...

(1-320): View more from Minnesota

It's been a bad semester.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I think I sprained my soul last night

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(483): View more from

Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?

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(416): View more from Toronto

Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.

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(+45): View more from Denmark

The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.

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(614): View more from Ohio

If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.

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(863): View more from Florida

And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?

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(208): View more from Idaho

I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.

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(+33): View more from France

We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?

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(217): View more from Illinois

i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

How was your weekend?

(508): View more from Massachusetts

The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?

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(815): View more from Illinois

Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I'm wearing red that night.

(301): View more from Maryland

Noted, what shade?

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Whore.

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(718): View more from New York

She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.

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(562): View more from California

guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.

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(253): View more from Washington

Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?

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(206): View more from Washington

a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside

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(386): View more from Florida

Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.

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(631): View more from New York

Crying in the liquor store is not a good look

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(503): View more from Oregon

I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.

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(703): View more from Virginia

The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.

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(330): View more from Ohio

okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT

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(678): View more from Georgia

This is the weirdest negotiation ever.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped

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(606): View more from Kentucky

only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?

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(210): View more from Texas

If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night

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(789): View more from

You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down

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(914): View more from New York

He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that

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(914): View more from New York

If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.

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(309): View more from Illinois

He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.

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(503): View more from Oregon

She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?

(503): View more from Oregon

Employee of the year! :)

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(757): View more from Virginia

Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.

(1-757): View more from Virginia

It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies

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(519): View more from Ontario

Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck

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(415): View more from California

just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.

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(206): View more from Washington

You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.

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(518): View more from New York

Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.

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(646): View more from New York

Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B

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(571): View more from Virginia

It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack

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(562): View more from California

I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?

(714): View more from California

Whatever it is you failed

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(631): View more from New York

Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying

(1-631): View more from New York

Oh good your over him

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured

(617): View more from Massachusetts

I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed

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(416): View more from Toronto

I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home

(647): View more from Ontario

Was he satisfied?

(416): View more from Toronto

No, and very vocal about it.

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(916): View more from California

I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay

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(217): View more from Illinois

Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.

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(831): View more from California

i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something

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(330): View more from Ohio

Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.

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(760): View more from California

I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone

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(740): View more from Ohio

The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.

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(210): View more from Texas

It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.

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(739): View more from

The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.

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(425): View more from Washington

UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.

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(214): View more from Texas

My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.

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(518): View more from New York

He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."

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(207): View more from Maine

Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?

(1-207): View more from Maine

I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy

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(778): View more from British Columbia

she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...

(1-778): View more from British Columbia

she's gonna get diseases

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

He likes bondage and spanking and shit.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine

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(347): View more from New York

He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?

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(514): View more from Quebec

OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s

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(862): View more from New Jersey

Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.

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(914): View more from New York

He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF

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(319): View more from Iowa

Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?

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(+61): View more from Australia

why is my forehead so bruised?

(1+61): View more from

i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE

(1-847): View more from Illinois

This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.

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(602): View more from Arizona

If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!

(623): View more from Arizona

It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...

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(806): View more from Texas

No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?

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(607): View more from New York

It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.

(1-720): View more from Colorado

You sound pretty unsure about all of this.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?

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(903): View more from Texas

i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.

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(914): View more from New York

we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

You were.

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(801): View more from Utah

Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.

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(757): View more from Virginia

almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.

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(949): View more from California

You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.

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(410): View more from Maryland

SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Don't text me with that hand

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(845): View more from New York

I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar

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(561): View more from Florida

walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow

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(519): View more from Ontario

she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems

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(432): View more from Texas

I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?

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(214): View more from Texas

I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.

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(512): View more from Texas

Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own

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(713): View more from Texas

I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you

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(416): View more from Toronto

When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower

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(604): View more from British Columbia

i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.

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(416): View more from Toronto

this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me

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(587): View more from Alberta

Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.

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(210): View more from Texas

I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.

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(951): View more from California

We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.

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(302): View more from Delaware

A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made

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(707): View more from California

Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god

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(916): View more from California

Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at

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(519): View more from Ontario

Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.

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(305): View more from Florida

Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.

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(516): View more from New York

You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up

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(575): View more from New Mexico

You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.

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(914): View more from New York

He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase

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(239): View more from Florida

I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.

(1-239): View more from Florida

I told you I'd buy you lunch.

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(419): View more from Ohio

having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...

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(860): View more from Connecticut

This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

(802): View more from Vermont

So basically you were a dog.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.

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(510): View more from California

Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.

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(206): View more from Washington

I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow

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(651): View more from Minnesota

raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win

(608): View more from Wisconsin

lets go back to having secrets in our friendship

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(845): View more from New York

if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party

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(914): View more from New York

He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.

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(516): View more from New York

i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet

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(260): View more from Indiana

Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes

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(256): View more from Alabama

You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.

(256): View more from Alabama

Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.

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(661): View more from California

aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet

(623): View more from Arizona

And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs

(661): View more from California

Exactly.

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(831): View more from California

There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.

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(516): View more from New York

Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.

(1-516): View more from New York

True life - we need to smoke together more often

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?

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(678): View more from Georgia

He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

At least he's a nutritious stoner...

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.

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(309): View more from Illinois

"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.

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(574): View more from Indiana

He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy

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(212): View more from New York

he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings

(718): View more from New York

He can't hurt my feelings

(718): View more from New York

I don't have feelings.

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(425): View more from Washington

This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?

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(847): View more from Illinois

can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...

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(636): View more from Missouri

Ridin mah bike see you on the moon

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(416): View more from Ontario

So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading

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(914): View more from New York

Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.

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(616): View more from Michigan

bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store

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(408): View more from California

sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds

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(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless

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(980): View more from North Carolina

You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.

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(248): View more from Michigan

We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working

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(206): View more from Washington

got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache

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(407): View more from Florida

Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.

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(631): View more from New York

he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality

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(240): View more from Maryland

Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?

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(631): View more from New York

I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.

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(253): View more from Washington

she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't

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(815): View more from Illinois

I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".

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(901): View more from Tennessee

You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury

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(813): View more from Florida

She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.

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(207): View more from Maine

The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.

(207): View more from Maine

welcome to maine.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.

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(503): View more from Oregon

He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

either way he was missing a nipple.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church

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(320): View more from Minnesota

You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.

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(440): View more from Ohio

By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas

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(613): View more from Ontario

Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?

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(410): View more from Maryland

ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?

(860): View more from Connecticut

Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time

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(703): View more from Virginia

im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm

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(705): View more from Ontario

i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Whatever it was. it was pregnant.

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(727): View more from Florida

found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later

(410): View more from Maryland

I knew I liked you

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(518): View more from New York

i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.

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(904): View more from Florida

Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?

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(647): View more from Ontario

Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?

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(586): View more from Michigan

LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group

(1-303): View more from Colorado

But you wear shame so well

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(510): View more from California

I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.

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(248): View more from Michigan

My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.

(1-757): View more from Virginia

I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?

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(+61): View more from Australia

He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.

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(650): View more from California

Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it

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(859): View more from Kentucky

We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.

(1-313): View more from Michigan

Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.

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(607): View more from New York

She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.

(856): View more from New Jersey

dear god, who put you in a cab?

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(480): View more from Arizona

Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.

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(818): View more from California

Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

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(941): View more from Florida

Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing

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(310): View more from California

When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone

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(217): View more from Illinois

Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up

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(615): View more from Tennessee

...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT

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(315): View more from New York

3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.

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(906): View more from Michigan

You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.

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(623): View more from Arizona

This tent reeks of fear and sangria

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(805): View more from California

It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route

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(360): View more from Washington

DIN'T JUSGE NE.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Like Teddy Roosevelt

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(609): View more from New Jersey

wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.

(941): View more from Florida

it was a krispy kreme

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(212): View more from New York

Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I woke up with glitter in my wounds.

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(316): View more from Kansas

You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.

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(954): View more from Florida

The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now

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(231): View more from Michigan

You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free

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(+61): View more from Australia

I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"

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(618): View more from Illinois

I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.

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(647): View more from Ontario

we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.

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(269): View more from Michigan

All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.

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(667): View more from Maryland

what customs doesn't know wont hurt them

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.

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(231): View more from Michigan

You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.

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(360): View more from Washington

if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked

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(217): View more from Illinois

the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office

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(208): View more from Idaho

drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.

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(206): View more from Washington

Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.

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(714): View more from California

He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note

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(727): View more from Florida

did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?

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(905): View more from Ontario

She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her

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(404): View more from Georgia

Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".

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(416): View more from Toronto

I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin

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(530): View more from California

I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.

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(626): View more from California

You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin

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(714): View more from California

sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.

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(480): View more from Arizona

honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.

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(248): View more from Michigan

All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.

(269): View more from Michigan

Gonna go for any of them?

(248): View more from Michigan

Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He's almost as awesome as vicodin.

(513): View more from Ohio

Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you

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(530): View more from California

We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.

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(650): View more from California

Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life

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(410): View more from Maryland

You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.

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(785): View more from Kansas

It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...

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(513): View more from Ohio

Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better

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(801): View more from Utah

He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.

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(916): View more from California

i think i have herpe

(1-916): View more from California

just one?

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(334): View more from Alabama

I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore

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(828): View more from North Carolina

had another sex dream about alec baldwin...

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(512): View more from Texas

its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.

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(330): View more from Ohio

You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.

(303): View more from Colorado

well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?

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(310): View more from California

just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.

(310): View more from California

now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!

(310): View more from California

whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here

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(740): View more from Ohio

There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"

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(913): View more from Kansas

i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell

(816): View more from Missouri

please tell me you are kidding me

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.

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(720): View more from Colorado

its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it

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(204): View more from Manitoba

they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.

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(630): View more from Illinois

i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can

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(209): View more from California

Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."

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(718): View more from New York

you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"

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(716): View more from New York

i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.

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(214): View more from Texas

herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.

(1-214): View more from Texas

ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...

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(951): View more from California

I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with

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(845): View more from New York

Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(815): View more from Illinois

i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.

(1-815): View more from Illinois

you need to get laid.. and an oil change.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

then he tried to convert me to islam

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.

(651): View more from Minnesota

again?

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(742): View more from

What happened last night?

(1-742): View more from

You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.

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(614): View more from Ohio

her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

which gay bar do you need a ride home from?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi

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(334): View more from Alabama

I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.

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(360): View more from Washington

I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?

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(443): View more from Maryland

you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up

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(587): View more from Alberta

the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"

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(515): View more from Iowa

he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.

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(440): View more from Ohio

any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?

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(716): View more from New York

she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.

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(757): View more from Virginia

You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!

(774): View more from Massachusetts

Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.

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(513): View more from Ohio

She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag

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(989): View more from Michigan

i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.

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(979): View more from Texas

She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.

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(410): View more from Maryland

When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.

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(510): View more from California

answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.

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(561): View more from Florida

he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd

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(248): View more from Michigan

I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well

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(973): View more from New Jersey

How has he not realized you're pregnant?

(201): View more from New Jersey

Spanx.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

she kept yelling 'call me bella'

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(714): View more from California

when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow

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(740): View more from Ohio

hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.

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(954): View more from Florida

I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.

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(248): View more from Michigan

my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'

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(630): View more from Illinois

He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.

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(443): View more from Maryland

do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?

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(740): View more from Ohio

well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"

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(216): View more from Ohio

let's bang

(773): View more from Illinois

You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.

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(419): View more from Ohio

dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them

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(207): View more from Maine

I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well

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(440): View more from Ohio

I just did the classiest thing ever.

(216): View more from Ohio

last time you said that you got chlamydia.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple

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(678): View more from Georgia

His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.

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(613): View more from Ontario

oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...

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(702): View more from Nevada

it was like having sex with a tree stump

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty

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(757): View more from Virginia

Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?

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(864): View more from South Carolina

and the officer said have you been drinking

(864): View more from South Carolina

and i said NOO SIR.

(864): View more from South Carolina

and he said, I am a woman.

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(650): View more from California

we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed

(505): View more from New Mexico

god you guys know how to party

(650): View more from California

worst. bachelorette party. ever.

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(727): View more from Florida

what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway

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(407): View more from Florida

It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.

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(540): View more from Virginia

so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...

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(513): View more from Ohio

both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage

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(706): View more from Georgia

dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.

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(289): View more from Ontario

It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke

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(301): View more from Maryland

It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.

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(917): View more from New York City

Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS

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(702): View more from Nevada

Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?

(1-702): View more from Nevada

You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.

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(540): View more from Virginia

she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride

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(989): View more from Michigan

Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels

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(937): View more from Ohio

i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(716): View more from New York

she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"

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(618): View more from Illinois

you should give me head with plastic fangs in

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(330): View more from Ohio

Used tampon in my purse. That from you?

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(716): View more from New York

I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.

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(425): View more from Washington

im bored tell me something entertaining

(206): View more from Washington

You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.

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(310): View more from California

do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Dude she let me cum on her face

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning

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(850): View more from Florida

I mistook a propane tank for a keg.

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(941): View more from Florida

so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.

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(802): View more from Vermont

he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...

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(513): View more from Ohio

I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.

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(253): View more from Washington

My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"

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(770): View more from Georgia

Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.

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(408): View more from California

I miss the smell of you or some shit.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick

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(801): View more from Utah

im getting coffee to go get coffee.

(435): View more from Utah

Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.

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(979): View more from Texas

Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.

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(480): View more from Arizona

How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?

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(305): View more from Florida

I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.

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(805): View more from California

IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!

(818): View more from California

A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?

(805): View more from California

CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT

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(602): View more from Arizona

I am full of burrito and curiosity

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen

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(973): View more from New Jersey

He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!

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(330): View more from Ohio

Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.

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(928): View more from Arizona

note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Are my feet made of real feet?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Quick, to the slutcave!

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"

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(214): View more from Texas

I am SOOO high

(830): View more from Texas

tell me about your high

(214): View more from Texas

HUGE THUMBTACKS

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.

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(630): View more from Illinois

she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far

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(917): View more from New York City

I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.

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(716): View more from New York

dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex

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(206): View more from Washington

i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm so horny

(913): View more from Kansas

I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect

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(912): View more from Georgia

He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that

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(314): View more from Missouri

Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong

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(785): View more from Kansas

Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.

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(240): View more from Maryland

i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.

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(443): View more from Maryland

booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again

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(973): View more from New Jersey

UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.

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(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.

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(925): View more from California

make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Since when do you wear a bracelet?

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs

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(862): View more from New Jersey

you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"

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(301): View more from Maryland

She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were

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(310): View more from California

I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.

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(330): View more from Ohio

The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind

(1-330): View more from Ohio

Well it worked

(330): View more from Ohio

Not the point

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(616): View more from Michigan

On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.

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(804): View more from Virginia

she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

I feel like half our conversations start this way.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent

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(716): View more from New York

I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.

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(989): View more from Michigan

It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life

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(201): View more from New Jersey

At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."

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(503): View more from Oregon

I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team

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(815): View more from Illinois

she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.

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(954): View more from Florida

What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?

(904): View more from Florida

Both

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(740): View more from Ohio

Hi, my name's audrey!

(614): View more from Ohio

Max?

(740): View more from Ohio

Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Don't worry. I has chaperone.

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(785): View more from Kansas

This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday

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(410): View more from Maryland

just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"

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(618): View more from Illinois

Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.

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(509): View more from Washington

Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though

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(609): View more from New Jersey

you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it

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(250): View more from British Columbia

tequila makes me forget i have legs

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol

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(330): View more from Ohio

he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.

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(512): View more from Texas

you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

bring money and cleavage

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages

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(716): View more from New York

right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable

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(303): View more from Colorado

i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell

(720): View more from Colorado

That's the classiest thing you've ever said.

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(+61): View more from Australia

She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I cherish every text you send me

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life

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(208): View more from Idaho

opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever

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(516): View more from New York

The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.

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(519): View more from Ontario

oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

is drinking for groundhog day legit?

(1-484): View more from Pennsylvania

well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...

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(914): View more from New York

you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds

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(585): View more from New York

I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.

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(440): View more from Ohio

dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.

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(661): View more from California

Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds

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(914): View more from New York

After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!

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(802): View more from Vermont

She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.

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(914): View more from New York

We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.

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(205): View more from Alabama

just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"

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(218): View more from Minnesota

you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"

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(+61): View more from Australia

This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night

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(704): View more from North Carolina

you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"

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(269): View more from Michigan

You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.

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(917): View more from New York City

I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.

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(818): View more from California

i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...

(805): View more from California

i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"

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(818): View more from California

apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"

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(563): View more from Iowa

Your favorite bartender is back from prision

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(706): View more from Georgia

rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots

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(706): View more from Georgia

lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.

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(863): View more from Florida

There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.

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(636): View more from Missouri

you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.

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(858): View more from California

Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts

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(209): View more from California

His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.

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(614): View more from Ohio

i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone

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(805): View more from California

Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.

(402): View more from Nebraska

Update, its a couple

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(210): View more from Texas

every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY

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(360): View more from Washington

Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.

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(650): View more from California

Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"

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(205): View more from Alabama

i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers

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(917): View more from New York City

I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.

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(760): View more from California

I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"

(760): View more from California

When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."

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(+65): View more from

He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?

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(916): View more from California

she's into porn, im staying here tonight

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(509): View more from Washington

i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.

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(516): View more from New York

watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...

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(951): View more from California

So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.

(909): View more from California

dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.

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(512): View more from Texas

its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge

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(513): View more from Ohio

just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.

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(708): View more from Illinois

We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now

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(224): View more from Illinois

Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays

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(248): View more from Michigan

Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?

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(573): View more from Missouri

My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.

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(903): View more from Texas

I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.

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(817): View more from Texas

Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though

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(319): View more from Iowa

He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle

(648): View more from

Since when is drunk an angle?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school

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(408): View more from California

Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions

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(970): View more from Colorado

so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car

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(541): View more from Oregon

I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.

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(469): View more from Texas

you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator

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(647): View more from Ontario

I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.

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(407): View more from Florida

What's he like?

(954): View more from Florida

The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.

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(323): View more from California

You got in a fight last night?

(818): View more from California

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): View more from California

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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(760): View more from California

I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart

(508): View more from Massachusetts

These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work

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(212): View more from New York

yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"

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(541): View more from Oregon

at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking

(1-541): View more from Oregon

only in oregon

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back

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(303): View more from Colorado

Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?

(815): View more from Illinois

Quite the contrary. Sophistication.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I understand Curling. That high.

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(614): View more from Ohio

im so drunk with asians

(1-614): View more from Ohio

where?

(614): View more from Ohio

always

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers

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(317): View more from Indiana

You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time

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(917): View more from New York City

I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"

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(302): View more from Delaware

I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.

(1-302): View more from Delaware

You mean inside out.

(302): View more from Delaware

No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...

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(718): View more from New York

all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.

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(961): View more from

I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit

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(850): View more from Florida

you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.

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(512): View more from Texas

I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.

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(518): View more from New York

In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation

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(248): View more from Michigan

Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."

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(704): View more from North Carolina

The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.

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(954): View more from Florida

I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M

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(435): View more from Utah

this will be a night to untag.

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(214): View more from Texas

I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.

(1-214): View more from Texas

that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary

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(239): View more from Florida

Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.

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(719): View more from Colorado

3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado

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(443): View more from Maryland

she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

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(386): View more from Florida

I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

can we take a shower together?

(901): View more from Tennessee

no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers

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(419): View more from Ohio

I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes

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(240): View more from Maryland

This kid is drunk.

(410): View more from Maryland

I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.

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(317): View more from Indiana

you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...

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(585): View more from New York

He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.

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(248): View more from Michigan

When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.

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(614): View more from Ohio

My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex

(1-614): View more from Ohio

You and your mom would make an amazing tag team

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(817): View more from Texas

I really wanna talk..

(1-817): View more from Texas

if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down

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(817): View more from Texas

just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.

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(281): View more from Texas

My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone

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(602): View more from Arizona

We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.

(480): View more from Arizona

What will that accomplish?

(602): View more from Arizona

It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.

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(214): View more from Texas

Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.

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(974): View more from

You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.

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(815): View more from Illinois

There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.

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(847): View more from Illinois

she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.

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(619): View more from California

i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.

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(602): View more from Arizona

so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.

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(518): View more from New York

after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.

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(727): View more from Florida

My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.

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(540): View more from Virginia

all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes

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(870): View more from Arkansas

you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.

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(817): View more from Texas

how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?

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(703): View more from Virginia

I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.

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(301): View more from Maryland

we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing

(1-301): View more from Maryland

that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome

(301): View more from Maryland

we agree. completely

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(606): View more from Kentucky

That's why Kanye is a gay fish.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?

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(858): View more from California

Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch

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(651): View more from Minnesota

All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.

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(847): View more from Illinois

We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.

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(641): View more from Iowa

I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.

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(256): View more from Alabama

No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."

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(310): View more from California

Obama is so hot when he ends wars.

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(217): View more from Illinois

You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Well how do you think I feel

(860): View more from Connecticut

fair enough

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(573): View more from Missouri

his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"

(314): View more from Missouri

did it work

(573): View more from Missouri

that's not the point...

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(516): View more from New York

i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.

(339): View more from Massachusetts

No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.

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(972): View more from Texas

You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.

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(207): View more from Maine

I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it

(617): View more from Massachusetts

We call that spaghetti Os

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.

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(727): View more from Florida

how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?

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(586): View more from Michigan

so how was last night?

(1-586): View more from Michigan

got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.

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(801): View more from Utah

Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first

(206): View more from Washington

You are the luckiest man alive

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(907): View more from Alaska

Tell me the dirtiest joke you know

(1-907): View more from Alaska

Sarah Palin

(907): View more from Alaska

god, I love you

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line

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(360): View more from Washington

We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.

(1-360): View more from Washington

I absolutely love you.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser

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(618): View more from Illinois

We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.

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(573): View more from Missouri

dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one

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(217): View more from Illinois

you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

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(708): View more from Illinois

youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer

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(703): View more from Virginia

fucking a dude

(703): View more from Virginia

i mean: fucking a, dude

(703): View more from Virginia

wow, that comma made all the difference there

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(216): View more from Ohio

ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): View more from New York

pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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(347): View more from New York

I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN

(347): View more from New York

I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN

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(810): View more from Michigan

According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.

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(661): View more from California

His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.

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(760): View more from California

Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.

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(801): View more from Utah

I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high

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(229): View more from Georgia

Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.

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(404): View more from Georgia

my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.

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(916): View more from California

Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms

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(310): View more from California

Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)

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(847): View more from Illinois

she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides

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(647): View more from Ontario

all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

(905): View more from Ontario

You're fat. Stop making excuses

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(516): View more from New York

onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?

(443): View more from Maryland

he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius

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(706): View more from Georgia

Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.

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(469): View more from Texas

i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Why am I in a dog kennel?

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

It was for your own safety

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(240): View more from Maryland

last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours

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(256): View more from Alabama

you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

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(410): View more from Maryland

He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

True romance of the 21st century.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

That doesn't help me much...

(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm right under the moon!

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(914): View more from New York

she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"

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(509): View more from Washington

Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you

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(847): View more from Illinois

Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?

(708): View more from Illinois

We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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(972): View more from Texas

I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.

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(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.

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(703): View more from Virginia

swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

(202): View more from Washington, DC

buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England

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(765): View more from Indiana

He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important

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(517): View more from Michigan

New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause

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(647): View more from Ontario

You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.

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(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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(703): View more from Virginia

As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(212): View more from New York

ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

(1-212): View more from New York

this is Aaron, hi

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(503): View more from Oregon

we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

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(916): View more from California

So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(315): View more from New York

Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love

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(970): View more from Colorado

Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(716): View more from New York

I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.

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(607): View more from New York

Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(516): View more from New York

You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.

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(773): View more from Illinois

NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.

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(903): View more from Texas

EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT

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(845): View more from New York

There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.

(845): View more from New York

Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.

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(310): View more from California

Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.

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(619): View more from California

Be still, my beating vagina.

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(305): View more from Florida

No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..

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(773): View more from Illinois

You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.

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(443): View more from Maryland

you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.

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(207): View more from Maine

I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.

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(419): View more from Ohio

His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch

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(937): View more from Ohio

And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.

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(480): View more from Arizona

My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.

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(707): View more from California

He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.

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(619): View more from California

Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck

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(972): View more from Texas

I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.

(214): View more from Texas

Does it taste like semen?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.

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(708): View more from Illinois

you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome

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(443): View more from Maryland

I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong

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(845): View more from New York

I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing

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(850): View more from Florida

Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers

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(803): View more from South Carolina

that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins

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(816): View more from Missouri

I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.

(913): View more from Kansas

Nobody is perfect

(816): View more from Missouri

I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other

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(970): View more from Colorado

Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.

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(404): View more from Georgia

hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??

(1-404): View more from Georgia

no.

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(512): View more from Texas

I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song

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(416): View more from Ontario

Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.

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(516): View more from New York

They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.

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(352): View more from Florida

Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?

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(706): View more from Georgia

They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods

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(228): View more from Mississippi

He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.

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(678): View more from Georgia

He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?

(770): View more from Georgia

I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."

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(+30): View more from

Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi

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(586): View more from Michigan

Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

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(734): View more from Michigan

Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.

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(323): View more from California

At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon

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(513): View more from Ohio

Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.

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(315): View more from New York

hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Hopefully she would park on my face.

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(941): View more from Florida

Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to

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(847): View more from Illinois

just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.

(1-931): View more from Tennessee

Wtf? What happened?

(931): View more from Tennessee

Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.

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(716): View more from New York

I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.

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(678): View more from Georgia

part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.

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(323): View more from California

I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.

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(310): View more from California

Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.

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(516): View more from New York

and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".

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(561): View more from Florida

i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.

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(904): View more from Florida

bring the vodka.

(1-904): View more from Florida

i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?

(904): View more from Florida

we are.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Intervention is following me on twitter.

(440): View more from Ohio

wow.

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(650): View more from California

Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)

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(828): View more from North Carolina

yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store

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(519): View more from Ontario

my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?

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(518): View more from New York

she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.

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(276): View more from Virginia

I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.

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(269): View more from Michigan

Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."

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(818): View more from California

we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.

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(407): View more from Florida

I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.

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(305): View more from Florida

false alarm. still invincible.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high

(808): View more from Hawaii

worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

nevermind....I'm on the way

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(919): View more from North Carolina

All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.

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(303): View more from Colorado

i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now

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(407): View more from Florida

sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.

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(716): View more from New York

just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.

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(+26): View more from

Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

thanks for singing to me while i puked last night

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(602): View more from Arizona

Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

It is literally 8 in the morning.

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(714): View more from California

i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better

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(404): View more from Georgia

You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm pregnant just thinking about him.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."

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(516): View more from New York

good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.

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(248): View more from Michigan

no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier

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(480): View more from Arizona

Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?

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(206): View more from Washington

weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions

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(316): View more from Kansas

No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.

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(801): View more from Utah

I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.

(1-801): View more from Utah

We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.

(801): View more from Utah

I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you

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(757): View more from Virginia

He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.

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(805): View more from California

they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us

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(513): View more from Ohio

god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"

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(785): View more from Kansas

In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.

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(510): View more from California

You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying

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(815): View more from Illinois

im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.

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(815): View more from Illinois

u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club

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(206): View more from Washington

woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night

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(410): View more from Maryland

There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.

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(563): View more from Iowa

For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

what?

(479): View more from Arkansas

your penis

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(518): View more from New York

They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower

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(613): View more from Ontario

I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.

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(207): View more from Maine

At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.

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(309): View more from Illinois

She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"

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(972): View more from Texas

Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....

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(845): View more from New York

We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?

(1-845): View more from New York

Who won mens moguls?

(845): View more from New York

That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.

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(317): View more from Indiana

eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.

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(713): View more from Texas

I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I wanted to see November 5, 1985

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(239): View more from Florida

While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".

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(586): View more from Michigan

Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less

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(706): View more from Georgia

Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.

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(310): View more from California

It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".

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(831): View more from California

theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it

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(760): View more from California

...so i touched it.

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(917): View more from New York City

Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman

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(559): View more from California

Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".

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(406): View more from Montana

we convinced you the moon was a planet...again

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(512): View more from Texas

Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen

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(760): View more from California

If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone

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(773): View more from Illinois

Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.

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(208): View more from Idaho

They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"

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(708): View more from Illinois

sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed

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(850): View more from Florida

I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.

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(208): View more from Idaho

The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?

(918): View more from Oklahoma

You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

I wish there were wingman of the year awards.

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(708): View more from Illinois

So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?

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(419): View more from Ohio

I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said

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(425): View more from Washington

You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.

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(949): View more from California

so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"

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(605): View more from South Dakota

there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.

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(319): View more from Iowa

You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many

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(270): View more from Kentucky

The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".

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(802): View more from Vermont

Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?

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(858): View more from California

He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.

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(410): View more from Maryland

We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway

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(763): View more from Minnesota

how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.

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(770): View more from Georgia

All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Welp...herpes.

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(253): View more from Washington

For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.

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(585): View more from New York

So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night

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(612): View more from Minnesota

We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.

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(352): View more from Florida

Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.

(352): View more from Florida

And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

We welcome drunken adversity.

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

With open legs.

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(727): View more from Florida

and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos

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(616): View more from Michigan

he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing

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(503): View more from Oregon

you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?

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(903): View more from Texas

I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places

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(207): View more from Maine

I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling

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(312): View more from Illinois

Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.

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(907): View more from Alaska

He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way

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(915): View more from Texas

I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.

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(253): View more from Washington

The pine trees are waving at me.

(907): View more from Alaska

Put the pipe down honey.

(253): View more from Washington

Hi trees.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You look like a girl that would like strip clubs

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(703): View more from Virginia

okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us

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(248): View more from Michigan

We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas

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(310): View more from California

I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?

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(720): View more from Colorado

He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse

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(678): View more from Georgia

better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole

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(240): View more from Maryland

I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.

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(513): View more from Ohio

it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex

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(618): View more from Illinois

Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all

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(850): View more from Florida

hey. who tried to drive me home last night?

(904): View more from Florida

not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?

(850): View more from Florida

i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?

(602): View more from Arizona

no jk, not my room

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(941): View more from Florida

Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.

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(515): View more from Iowa

She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob

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(662): View more from Mississippi

He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.

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(302): View more from Delaware

then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.

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(713): View more from Texas

when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed

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(303): View more from Colorado

God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.

(720): View more from Colorado

And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.

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(914): View more from New York

I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".

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(757): View more from Virginia

I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"

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(502): View more from Kentucky

WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!

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(831): View more from California

Hey, what are you up to?

(802): View more from Vermont

Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.

(802): View more from Vermont

Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.

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(708): View more from Illinois

nutella sex= disaster

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.

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(443): View more from Maryland

i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?

(312): View more from Illinois

I get to be your mom.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level

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(630): View more from Illinois

Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?

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(970): View more from Colorado

Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"

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(708): View more from Illinois

Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?

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(248): View more from Michigan

fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!

(1-248): View more from Michigan

What does that mean?

(248): View more from Michigan

How when the cu k dos I yet u

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Focus

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(516): View more from New York

Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.

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(310): View more from California

I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub

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(704): View more from North Carolina

you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times

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(210): View more from Texas

Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night

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(425): View more from Washington

the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night

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(801): View more from Utah

Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.

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(512): View more from Texas

I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.

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(904): View more from Florida

Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.

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(925): View more from California

don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement

(510): View more from California

big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.

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(917): View more from New York City

well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I am puke

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!

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(714): View more from California

I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

(949): View more from California

I gave it to your brother to give to you.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.

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(251): View more from Alabama

you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is

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(507): View more from Minnesota

there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut

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(408): View more from California

you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"

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(806): View more from Texas

All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot

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(225): View more from Louisiana

what day is it and did you see me today?

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(546): View more from

Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.

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(314): View more from Missouri

last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.

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(917): View more from New York City

He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.

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(916): View more from California

and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse

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(361): View more from Texas

As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.

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(240): View more from Maryland

When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.

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(310): View more from California

Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"

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(416): View more from Toronto

Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.

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(512): View more from Texas

If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.

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(253): View more from Washington

Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

we've started having sober sex

(203): View more from Connecticut

you really do like him

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(951): View more from California

So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.

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(734): View more from Michigan

just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"

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(406): View more from Montana

apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...

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(816): View more from Missouri

I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.

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(416): View more from Toronto

you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.

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