Texts From Last Night · mommyjess0203's Favorites

mommyjess0203's Favorites Texts:

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(516): View more from New York

It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post

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(615): View more from Tennessee

id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE

(1-847): View more from Illinois

This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop

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(541): View more from Oregon

She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option

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(314): View more from Missouri

I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive

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(410): View more from Maryland

So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.

(443): View more from Maryland

YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?

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(806): View more from Texas

No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.

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(707): View more from California

I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER

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(410): View more from Maryland

Wheres my essay?

(415): View more from California

You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?

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(410): View more from Maryland

SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Don't text me with that hand

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(310): View more from California

Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.

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(219): View more from Indiana

The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.

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(585): View more from New York

She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back

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(315): View more from New York

I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus

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(714): View more from California

Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.

(1-714): View more from California

If he was naked that was me.

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(253): View more from Washington

We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?

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(805): View more from California

I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.

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(607): View more from New York

Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis

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(209): View more from California

Show him your tits if he says no

(1-209): View more from California

They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase

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(708): View more from Illinois

is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro

(773): View more from Illinois

yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.

(708): View more from Illinois

how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?

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(507): View more from Minnesota

we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine

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(519): View more from Ontario

was it more than 30 minutes?

(416): View more from Ontario

ya

(519): View more from Ontario

then you're in a relationship

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(305): View more from Florida

I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.

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(234): View more from Ohio

Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey

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(513): View more from Ohio

Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs

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(804): View more from Virginia

I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.

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(818): View more from California

WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK

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(704): View more from North Carolina

is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?

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(434): View more from Virginia

I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.

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(760): View more from California

No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.

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(510): View more from California

Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting

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(417): View more from Missouri

Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.

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(269): View more from Michigan

Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown

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(713): View more from Texas

Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.

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(707): View more from California

She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK

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(928): View more from Arizona

If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Wait

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(519): View more from Ontario

Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?

(289): View more from Ontario

You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..

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(541): View more from Oregon

I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.

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(770): View more from Georgia

If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?

(910): View more from North Carolina

That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?

(770): View more from Georgia

Touche.

(910): View more from North Carolina

I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.

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(812): View more from Indiana

They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal

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(516): View more from New York

you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.

(1-516): View more from New York

right. well we all have our lows.

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(419): View more from Ohio

You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.

(1-419): View more from Ohio

Um. I literally have no words.

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(253): View more from Washington

so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning

(1-253): View more from Washington

because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'

(253): View more from Washington

no more ever clear

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(919): View more from North Carolina

My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.

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(314): View more from Missouri

so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

What'd you say?

(248): View more from Michigan

I told him I was sleep driving

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(301): View more from Maryland

look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.

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(858): View more from California

I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.

(619): View more from California

you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS

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(831): View more from California

No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick

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(239): View more from Florida

My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.

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(+61): View more from Australia

yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."

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(410): View more from Maryland

Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!

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(773): View more from Illinois

Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.

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(954): View more from Florida

Your an asshole

(1-954): View more from Florida

Actually, it's "you're an asshole"

(954): View more from Florida

My point exactly

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.

(1-781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.

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(415): View more from California

they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost

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(917): View more from New York City

did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?

(914): View more from New York

you mean faeutihaers?

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(703): View more from Virginia

Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

New charity walk idea!

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(214): View more from Texas

If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent

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(334): View more from Alabama

I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.

(1-334): View more from Alabama

Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.

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(804): View more from Virginia

What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.

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(574): View more from Indiana

should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?

(1-574): View more from Indiana

meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.

(604): View more from British Columbia

I DIDNT GET FINGERED

(604): View more from British Columbia

I was rubbed

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(916): View more from California

Hey you

(732): View more from New Jersey

You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?

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(210): View more from Texas

I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"

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(631): View more from New York

I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.

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(678): View more from Georgia

We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how

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(516): View more from New York

If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,

(679): View more from Michigan

I wanted to be a dolphin.

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(315): View more from New York

3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.

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(269): View more from Michigan

It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.

(1-269): View more from Michigan

I just wanted to decorate you...

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....

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(765): View more from Indiana

If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.

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(858): View more from California

Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!

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(651): View more from Minnesota

You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.

(1-304): View more from West Virginia

Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?

(304): View more from West Virginia

No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.

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(360): View more from Washington

Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?

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(925): View more from California

I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.

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(913): View more from Kansas

You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy

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(410): View more from Maryland

He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

True romance of the 21st century.

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(631): View more from New York

i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill

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(906): View more from Michigan

I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.

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(619): View more from California

on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.

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(980): View more from North Carolina

I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.

(704): View more from North Carolina

oh, you finally did the dishes then?

(980): View more from North Carolina

No, bought new ones.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit

(303): View more from Colorado

I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex

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(702): View more from Nevada

I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money

(813): View more from Florida

sounds like you understand them just fine

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(518): View more from New York

I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?

(816): View more from Missouri

i hope so.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?

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(626): View more from California

What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?

(1-626): View more from California

You have mice?

(626): View more from California

no why?

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(917): View more from New York City

What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I don't know where I am but there are firefighters

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?

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(905): View more from Toronto

Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?

(1-905): View more from Toronto

i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood

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(407): View more from Florida

If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?

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(281): View more from Texas

WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

we're no longer friends

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(301): View more from Maryland

Bea Arthur died yesterday

(240): View more from Maryland

You shut your stupid mouth

(301): View more from Maryland

Betty White is next, I just know it.

(240): View more from Maryland

Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.

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(210): View more from Texas

remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues

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(973): View more from New Jersey

composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.

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(416): View more from Toronto

the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.

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(847): View more from Illinois

No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

tequila

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(973): View more from New Jersey

RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO

(908): View more from New Jersey

dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.

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(630): View more from Illinois

do you know how bad I want you right now?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

As bad as i want you to stop texting me?

(630): View more from Illinois

is that a hint?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

fireball beer pong. youre missing out

(732): View more from New Jersey

how is that even possible?

(908): View more from New Jersey

ove gloves.

(732): View more from New Jersey

be there in ten.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.

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(913): View more from Kansas

You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #

(816): View more from Missouri

ah tequila...

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.

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(904): View more from Florida

way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...

(1-904): View more from Florida

I saved lives by not driving this morning

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(919): View more from North Carolina

CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us

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(513): View more from Ohio

someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet

(330): View more from Ohio

I'll alert the authorities

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(765): View more from Indiana

It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.

(1-765): View more from Indiana

Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.

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(810): View more from Michigan

When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

that probably didn't help your case.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.

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(516): View more from New York

That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.

(1-516): View more from New York

yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.

(516): View more from New York

Do you have to put it that way?

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(775): View more from Nevada

No, you can still breathe under the balls.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Ben's a prick.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

What Ben are you talking about?

(404): View more from Georgia

All the bens across all the lands

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(207): View more from Maine

I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it

(617): View more from Massachusetts

We call that spaghetti Os

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome

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(951): View more from California

My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?

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(270): View more from Kentucky

It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.

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(805): View more from California

Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?

(1-805): View more from California

Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.

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(509): View more from Washington

She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after

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(804): View more from Virginia

my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.

(1-804): View more from Virginia

I'm on my way.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table

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(217): View more from Illinois

she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.

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(818): View more from California

Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night

(334): View more from Alabama

I felt like a fucking code breaker.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.

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(619): View more from California

Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.

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(586): View more from Michigan

You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?

(1-586): View more from Michigan

You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.

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(812): View more from Indiana

McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?

(1-812): View more from Indiana

All of them

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.

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(802): View more from Vermont

my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???

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(831): View more from California

period poops. best. ever.

(925): View more from California

omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...

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(248): View more from Michigan

Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.

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(937): View more from Ohio

He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.

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(646): View more from New York

congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism

(917): View more from New York City

cool. same. I'm in class drinking

(646): View more from New York

NOT OKAY

(917): View more from New York City

sorry for partying

(646): View more from New York

THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS

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(303): View more from Colorado

I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.

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(619): View more from California

Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.

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(469): View more from Texas

Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf

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(314): View more from Missouri

I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.

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(847): View more from Illinois

What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.

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(817): View more from Texas

Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"

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(785): View more from Kansas

This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday

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(917): View more from New York City

Where you at

(1-917): View more from New York City

assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?

(917): View more from New York City

Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.

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(214): View more from Texas

My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.

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(240): View more from Maryland

this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You love popeyes more than me

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?

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(755): View more from

How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?

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(971): View more from Oregon

Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.

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(302): View more from Delaware

you goin out tonight?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

who is this.

(302): View more from Delaware

your orgasm for tonight

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(513): View more from Ohio

I feel awful

(1-513): View more from Ohio

Physically or morally

(513): View more from Ohio

Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.

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(740): View more from Ohio

If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.

(734): View more from Michigan

Your friend and I already don't get along

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(859): View more from Kentucky

heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge

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(507): View more from Minnesota

So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?

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(207): View more from Maine

traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers

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(248): View more from Michigan

you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits

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(512): View more from Texas

Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night

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(785): View more from Kansas

I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach

(630): View more from Illinois

Me toooooo!! Margaritas

(773): View more from Illinois

I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good

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(530): View more from California

Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine

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(661): View more from California

Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?

(1-661): View more from California

What the hell did you do last night?!

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(850): View more from Florida

I mistook a propane tank for a keg.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious

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(714): View more from California

We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her

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(416): View more from Ontario

when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.

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(971): View more from Oregon

:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"

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(909): View more from California

Would you still love me if I had no teeth

(1-909): View more from California

Yeah why?

(909): View more from California

Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone

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(518): View more from New York

i just had sex bonerless

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(818): View more from California

my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.

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(510): View more from California

i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.

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(301): View more from Maryland

please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever

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(915): View more from Texas

so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on

(1-915): View more from Texas

who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me

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(231): View more from Michigan

OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?

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(765): View more from Indiana

He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.

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(512): View more from Texas

Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

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(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

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(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.

(1-931): View more from Tennessee

Wtf? What happened?

(931): View more from Tennessee

Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.

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(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Redeem this text for a blowjob

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(813): View more from Florida

I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.

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(631): View more from New York

im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies

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(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(847): View more from Illinois

So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be

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(212): View more from New York

ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

(1-212): View more from New York

this is Aaron, hi

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(503): View more from Oregon

we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.

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(313): View more from Michigan

So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.

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(850): View more from Florida

hey. who tried to drive me home last night?

(904): View more from Florida

not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?

(850): View more from Florida

i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back

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(972): View more from Texas

I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.

(1-972): View more from Texas

I want to be a cop.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

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(360): View more from Washington

i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew

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(916): View more from California

So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(+36): View more from

until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.

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(310): View more from California

I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*

(310): View more from California

Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Oh God.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.

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(773): View more from Illinois

No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Why are you speaking in third person?

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.

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(556): View more from

Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high

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(575): View more from New Mexico

Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation

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(813): View more from Florida

My mind said no, but my drink said yes.

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(541): View more from Oregon

dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room

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(801): View more from Utah

Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?

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(925): View more from California

Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint

(203): View more from Connecticut

i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you

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(415): View more from California

I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?

(510): View more from California

I hope so

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(443): View more from Maryland

My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT

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(949): View more from California

mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.

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(734): View more from Michigan

she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.

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(352): View more from Florida

Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?

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(404): View more from Georgia

my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time

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(214): View more from Texas

Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.

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(207): View more from Maine

If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face

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(307): View more from Wyoming

try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...

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(903): View more from Texas

How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?

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(410): View more from Maryland

I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk

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(913): View more from Kansas

I love sluts.

(402): View more from Nebraska

I end my prayers with that every single night.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today

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(915): View more from Texas

Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up

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(404): View more from Georgia

My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!

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(913): View more from Kansas

Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.

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(813): View more from Florida

his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.

(407): View more from Florida

yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.

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(916): View more from California

The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.

(1-916): View more from California

Try oodles of noodles this time.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?

(408): View more from California

JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.

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(443): View more from Maryland

If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.

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(310): View more from California

Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?

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(785): View more from Kansas

MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.

(207): View more from Maine

HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?

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(734): View more from Michigan

Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.

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(850): View more from Florida

No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....

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(502): View more from Kentucky

dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.

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(714): View more from California

Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me

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(503): View more from Oregon

you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?

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(410): View more from Maryland

I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.

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(602): View more from Arizona

for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

we just fucked in the mcds parking lot

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

wasnt he a virgin

(732): View more from New Jersey

yes we got celebratory milkshakes after

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(415): View more from California

my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"

(650): View more from California

LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.

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(206): View more from Washington

I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.

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(347): View more from New York

i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent

(860): View more from Connecticut

fuckk wrong person

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

.. who was that for? a girlscout?

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(904): View more from Florida

the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing

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(916): View more from California

This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born

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(518): View more from New York

I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.

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(804): View more from Virginia

He likes Jesus. Game over.

(804): View more from Virginia

Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.

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(917): View more from New York City

Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.

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(216): View more from Ohio

dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

so im guessing thats a no.....

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(860): View more from Connecticut

MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!

(860): View more from Connecticut

I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips

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(813): View more from Florida

Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that

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(818): View more from California

Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.

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(845): View more from New York

oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...

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(847): View more from Illinois

you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.

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(312): View more from Illinois

he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl

(313): View more from Michigan

you mean his girlfriend

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame

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(206): View more from Washington

Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?

(206): View more from Washington

Adult decisions.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Internet Is back!

(860): View more from Connecticut

MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.

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(614): View more from Ohio

the wall and i were having dominance issues.

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(647): View more from Ontario

My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?

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(520): View more from Arizona

Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.

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(206): View more from Washington

I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.

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(425): View more from Washington

WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!

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(979): View more from Texas

Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today

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(334): View more from Alabama

My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.

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(972): View more from Texas

I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.

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(647): View more from Ontario

we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.

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(619): View more from California

Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet

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(864): View more from South Carolina

the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?

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(765): View more from Indiana

He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.

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(360): View more from Washington

Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.

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(206): View more from Washington

Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'll always be here to give you immoral support.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.

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(850): View more from Florida

Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?

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(317): View more from Indiana

You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...

(404): View more from Georgia

I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.

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(330): View more from Ohio

No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.

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(956): View more from Texas

Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....

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(248): View more from Michigan

You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.

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(517): View more from Michigan

i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?

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(916): View more from California

Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight

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(360): View more from Washington

Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck

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(813): View more from Florida

that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.

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(907): View more from Alaska

On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face

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(613): View more from Ontario

You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.

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(516): View more from New York

I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks

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(510): View more from California

It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time

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(251): View more from Alabama

When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?

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(802): View more from Vermont

He's yummy.

(613): View more from Ontario

HE'S GAY. AND 40.

(802): View more from Vermont

Irrelevant.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Why do you have to go to the hospital?

(407): View more from Florida

I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me

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(360): View more from Washington

It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.

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(305): View more from Florida

Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.

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(248): View more from Michigan

We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.

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(206): View more from Washington

thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.

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(269): View more from Michigan

i think the cat found all the blow we lost...

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(330): View more from Ohio

would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.

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(214): View more from Texas

so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings

(1-214): View more from Texas

dont u have athletes foot?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.

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(206): View more from Washington

She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.

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(269): View more from Michigan

So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.

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(863): View more from Florida

I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila

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(812): View more from Indiana

Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...

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(903): View more from Texas

One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.

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(408): View more from California

I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?

(720): View more from Colorado

This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.

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(702): View more from Nevada

explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.

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(314): View more from Missouri

My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"

(1-606): View more from Kentucky

You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.

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(408): View more from California

she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.

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(847): View more from Illinois

why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.

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(303): View more from Colorado

So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.

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(210): View more from Texas

I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her

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(303): View more from Colorado

i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around

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(941): View more from Florida

Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?

(1-941): View more from Florida

Wow! You need to get laid.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

why is allison so mad at me??

(469): View more from Texas

me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".

(318): View more from Louisiana

crap..

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(443): View more from Maryland

i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.

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(936): View more from Texas

So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward

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(408): View more from California

booty call

(925): View more from California

i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.

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(630): View more from Illinois

You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.

(847): View more from Illinois

Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.

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(330): View more from Ohio

did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal

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(310): View more from California

I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.

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(909): View more from California

He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.

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(847): View more from Illinois

sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.

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(909): View more from California

don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.

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(970): View more from Colorado

went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out

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(956): View more from Texas

Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity

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(213): View more from California

are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town

(1-213): View more from California

well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT

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(612): View more from Minnesota

is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

i got excepted to unl lol

(402): View more from Nebraska

You mean "accepted".

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(914): View more from New York

She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.

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(631): View more from New York

After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch

(1-631): View more from New York

that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.

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(818): View more from California

You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.

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(516): View more from New York

i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor

(1-516): View more from New York

did you bang her?

(516): View more from New York

seriously?

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.

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(516): View more from New York

we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class

(914): View more from New York

isnt today saturday?

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(912): View more from Georgia

you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized

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(703): View more from Virginia

Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life

(541): View more from Oregon

Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard

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(816): View more from Missouri

we didnt even have break up sex...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

you had it for us with someone else...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.

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(434): View more from Virginia

you would not believe what I got pierced last night...

(540): View more from Virginia

son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.

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(323): View more from California

The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.

(1-323): View more from California

Did you put it in the freezer again?

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(706): View more from Georgia

Did we have sex last night?

(1-706): View more from Georgia

I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b

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(609): View more from New Jersey

he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this

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(914): View more from New York

No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.

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(602): View more from Arizona

my dad is going to jail this weekend

(1-602): View more from Arizona

where are we going to get our weed from?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.

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(516): View more from New York

Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that

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(208): View more from Idaho

His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.

(1-208): View more from Idaho

HE'S 26!!!

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(971): View more from Oregon

He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.

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(831): View more from California

So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...

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(513): View more from Ohio

Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.

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(516): View more from New York

She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning

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(585): View more from New York

broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.

(716): View more from New York

you're writing country songs now?

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(607): View more from New York

How was dinner with ur grandparents?

(1-607): View more from New York

I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.

(478): View more from Georgia

Moment of silence for the loss of that option.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby

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(908): View more from New Jersey

considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one

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(631): View more from New York

So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"

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(440): View more from Ohio

I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

(1-440): View more from Ohio

please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

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(315): View more from New York

My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book

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(703): View more from Virginia

I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.

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(760): View more from California

so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?

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(850): View more from Florida

The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.

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(416): View more from Ontario

She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now

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(443): View more from Maryland

My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about

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(757): View more from Virginia

Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

worst lay ever....

(780): View more from Alberta, CA

as long as you cum, there is no bad sex

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement

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(612): View more from Minnesota

So do you want to come over? ;)

(763): View more from Minnesota

Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

and the officer said have you been drinking

(864): View more from South Carolina

and i said NOO SIR.

(864): View more from South Carolina

and he said, I am a woman.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD

(206): View more from Washington

Or, you could have used a condom

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(631): View more from New York

i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?

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(913): View more from Kansas

checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.

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(712): View more from Iowa

The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded

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(303): View more from Colorado

okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.

(785): View more from Kansas

again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.

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(404): View more from Georgia

he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off

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(713): View more from Texas

So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.

(770): View more from Georgia

WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!

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(516): View more from New York

doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine

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(703): View more from Virginia

He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog

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(818): View more from California

Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.

(1-818): View more from California

Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.

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(424): View more from California

Do u kno any dealers?

(1-424): View more from California

I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now

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(941): View more from Florida

She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Come over? It's my birthday

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

How many times has that text failed you tonight?

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(720): View more from Colorado

he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again

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(636): View more from Missouri

tequila makes her clothes fall off

(512): View more from Texas

wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time

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(312): View more from Illinois

so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?

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(731): View more from Tennessee

He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning

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(201): View more from New Jersey

she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.

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(512): View more from Texas

after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.

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(714): View more from California

walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

(714): View more from California

he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Some milfs here doing some blow

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Dad?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..

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(631): View more from New York

she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"

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(314): View more from Missouri

i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit

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(443): View more from Maryland

told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?

(410): View more from Maryland

i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.

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(917): View more from New York City

found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him

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(813): View more from Florida

We shouldn"t be alone together

(606): View more from Kentucky

you didn"t say that yesterday

(813): View more from Florida

you weren't married yesterday

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

so when am I gonna get some from you?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

when you dick grows 3 inches

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(407): View more from Florida

I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.

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(831): View more from California

I puked off the balcony.

(1-831): View more from California

Not horrible

(831): View more from California

Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??

(713): View more from Texas

Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

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(310): View more from California

Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck

(312): View more from Illinois

Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.

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(916): View more from California

You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..

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(904): View more from Florida

my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you

(386): View more from Florida

girlfriend?

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(407): View more from Florida

is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?

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(305): View more from Florida

considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.

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(410): View more from Maryland

She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.

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(315): View more from New York

So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.

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(703): View more from Virginia

im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off

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(609): View more from New Jersey

my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."

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(602): View more from Arizona

hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad

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(415): View more from California

And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"

(1-415): View more from California

What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.

(415): View more from California

He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."

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(716): View more from New York

I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly

(1-208): View more from Idaho

What is a GED?

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out

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(805): View more from California

we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend

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(905): View more from Toronto

just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Dude she let me cum on her face

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning

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(847): View more from Illinois

my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.

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(512): View more from Texas

Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.

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(256): View more from Alabama

so my dad walked in on us having sex

(1-256): View more from Alabama

lulz really? why?

(256): View more from Alabama

lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.

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(561): View more from Florida

i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed

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(541): View more from Oregon

dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed

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(802): View more from Vermont

he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...

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(516): View more from New York

she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".

(917): View more from New York City

I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.

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(517): View more from Michigan

My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.

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(818): View more from California

remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,

(702): View more from Nevada

Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.

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(240): View more from Maryland

boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

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(818): View more from California

I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape

(310): View more from California

wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?

(818): View more from California

why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES

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(660): View more from Missouri

He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"

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(314): View more from Missouri

Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.

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(443): View more from Maryland

So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit

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(434): View more from Virginia

I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.

(1-434): View more from Virginia

Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.

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(207): View more from Maine

Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.

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(251): View more from Alabama

just found the deal breaker

(1-251): View more from Alabama

hairy back?

(251): View more from Alabama

he can't live within 1000 ft of a school

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(303): View more from Colorado

i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

this is your brother

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(602): View more from Arizona

When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.

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(607): View more from New York

you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY

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(410): View more from Maryland

i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"

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(352): View more from Florida

I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.

(917): View more from New York City

I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Haha, bad night?

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(931): View more from Tennessee

so today I found out that she used to be a he....

(1-931): View more from Tennessee

are you gonna get a divorce?

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(917): View more from New York City

giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?

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(206): View more from Washington

got weed?

(425): View more from Washington

I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.

(206): View more from Washington

sorry mom...

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.

(719): View more from Colorado

she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.

(414): View more from Wisconsin

are you serious?

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(347): View more from New York

Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.

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(734): View more from Michigan

i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?

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(734): View more from Michigan

SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her

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(816): View more from Missouri

normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me

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(323): View more from California

You got in a fight last night?

(818): View more from California

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): View more from California

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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(514): View more from Quebec

just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.

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(212): View more from New York

Your dad touched me again.

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(206): View more from Washington

I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole

(425): View more from Washington

There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.

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(602): View more from Arizona

So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...

(623): View more from Arizona

What did she do!?

(602): View more from Arizona

I didn't tell her...

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(630): View more from Illinois

Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.

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(408): View more from California

She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...

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(516): View more from New York

onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?

(443): View more from Maryland

he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?

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(571): View more from Virginia

Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..

(703): View more from Virginia

this can't be going anywhere good

(571): View more from Virginia

nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?

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(323): View more from California

Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?

(1-323): View more from California

We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?

(323): View more from California

Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.

(510): View more from California

YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!

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(407): View more from Florida

my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.

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(541): View more from Oregon

at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww

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(217): View more from Illinois

How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???

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(843): View more from South Carolina

got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired

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(602): View more from Arizona

Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?

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(408): View more from California

hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)

(650): View more from California

nah, i'm gonna grab some food

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(626): View more from California

you didnt know i had herpes?

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.

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(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(210): View more from Texas

I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad

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(212): View more from New York

i want you now

(916): View more from California

you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

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(404): View more from Georgia

Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

Two?

(404): View more from Georgia

Two.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin

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(314): View more from Missouri

For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(949): View more from California

Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.

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(720): View more from Colorado

She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.

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(419): View more from Ohio

just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me

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(954): View more from Florida

I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza

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(971): View more from Oregon

I have two black x marks on my hands.

(503): View more from Oregon

Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

(971): View more from Oregon

damnit I wish I could remember that.

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(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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(954): View more from Florida

you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina

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(931): View more from Tennessee

a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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(562): View more from California

omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.

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(815): View more from Illinois

at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?

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(410): View more from Maryland

I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old

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(520): View more from Arizona

There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.

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(714): View more from California

sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".

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(+84): View more from

The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.

(808): View more from Hawaii

oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to

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