Texts From Last Night · ILOVEPINAYS's Favorites

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ILOVEPINAYS's Favorites Texts:

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(810): View more from Michigan

Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?

(1-810): View more from Michigan

A safari of penis I hurt to the core

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life

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(646): View more from New York

Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint

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(253): View more from Washington

it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

Touche salesman.

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(207): View more from Maine

It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?

(913): View more from Kansas

I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina

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(646): View more from New York

How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.

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(207): View more from Maine

I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.

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(650): View more from California

He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups

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(773): View more from Illinois

WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.

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(816): View more from Missouri

And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin

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(850): View more from Florida

Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.

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(714): View more from California

After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.

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(850): View more from Florida

She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next

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(801): View more from Utah

There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.

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(817): View more from Texas

Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.

(214): View more from Texas

I still make more money.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage

(608): View more from Wisconsin

HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES

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(919): View more from North Carolina

What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage

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(315): View more from New York

I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors

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(423): View more from Tennessee

On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.

(250): View more from British Columbia

Not my cup of tea

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(407): View more from Florida

So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina

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(631): View more from New York

he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him

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(931): View more from Tennessee

THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING

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(530): View more from California

You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours

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(212): View more from New York

how are things with the new girl?

(917): View more from New York City

good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked

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(858): View more from California

I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?

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(410): View more from Maryland

You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip

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(802): View more from Vermont

I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories

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(816): View more from Missouri

Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.

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(224): View more from Illinois

My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.

(312): View more from Illinois

Elaborate

(224): View more from Illinois

Strip Mario-Kart

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(310): View more from California

I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.

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(208): View more from Idaho

so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.

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(916): View more from California

No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.

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(315): View more from New York

Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really

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(613): View more from Ontario

I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?

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(432): View more from Texas

she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."

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(206): View more from Washington

What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.

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(434): View more from Virginia

Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...

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(303): View more from Colorado

New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night

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(240): View more from Maryland

YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.

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(254): View more from Texas

Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.

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(574): View more from Indiana

Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you found the shrooms didnt you

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(301): View more from Maryland

His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.

(1-301): View more from Maryland

I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.

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(209): View more from California

Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.

(209): View more from California

And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?

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(319): View more from Iowa

Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?

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(928): View more from Arizona

My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.

(308): View more from Nebraska

Pass the awkward sauce please.

(928): View more from Arizona

I'm drowning in it here

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.

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(909): View more from California

Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.

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(812): View more from Indiana

You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.

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(281): View more from Texas

Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.

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(509): View more from Washington

I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..

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(585): View more from New York

You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!

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(806): View more from Texas

Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.

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(+33): View more from France

We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

(410): View more from Maryland

you are way too vulgar to be a girl

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(716): View more from New York

Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.

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(513): View more from Ohio

he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"

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(614): View more from Ohio

They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed

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(714): View more from California

Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.

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(210): View more from Texas

im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.

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(303): View more from Colorado

The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there

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(219): View more from Indiana

If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.

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(315): View more from New York

Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."

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(419): View more from Ohio

I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook

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(312): View more from Illinois

I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird

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(847): View more from Illinois

Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis

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(541): View more from Oregon

I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.

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(770): View more from Georgia

If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?

(910): View more from North Carolina

That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?

(770): View more from Georgia

Touche.

(910): View more from North Carolina

I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Its gonna be a symphony of fucks

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(301): View more from Maryland

Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.

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(571): View more from Virginia

i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy

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(903): View more from Texas

True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it

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(254): View more from Texas

Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."

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(530): View more from California

It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head

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(301): View more from Maryland

I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.

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(940): View more from Texas

I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.

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(361): View more from Texas

After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.

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(+35): View more from

i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.

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(928): View more from Arizona

Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.

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(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

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(540): View more from Virginia

You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe

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(281): View more from Texas

Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.

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(804): View more from Virginia

she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.

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(585): View more from New York

I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.

(864): View more from South Carolina

And I meant every ounce of it.

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(509): View more from Washington

Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.

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(815): View more from Illinois

There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .

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(678): View more from Georgia

And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass

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(217): View more from Illinois

i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here

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(760): View more from California

I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits

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(612): View more from Minnesota

he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places

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(770): View more from Georgia

Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.

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(863): View more from Florida

There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.

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(802): View more from Vermont

She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.

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(845): View more from New York

Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.

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(630): View more from Illinois

He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.

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(810): View more from Michigan

There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing

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(817): View more from Texas

Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.

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(903): View more from Texas

Beer Popsicles are better in theory

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(415): View more from California

dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint

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(260): View more from Indiana

He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.

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(207): View more from Maine

I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums

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(585): View more from New York

I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.

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(513): View more from Ohio

As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN

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(810): View more from Michigan

We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?

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(816): View more from Missouri

I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.

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(619): View more from California

yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work

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(816): View more from Missouri

All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.

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(907): View more from Alaska

He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

She still started it.

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(209): View more from California

I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation

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(812): View more from Indiana

theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that

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(585): View more from New York

Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.

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(207): View more from Maine

I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.

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(616): View more from Michigan

i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..

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(916): View more from California

when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.

Fav 13 1344 3272
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(504): View more from Louisiana

You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.

Fav 6 3344 1508
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(530): View more from California

for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.

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(443): View more from Maryland

He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.

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(574): View more from Indiana

There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party

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(512): View more from Texas

that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i think he saw me take a picture of his dick

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(819): View more from Quebec

I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.

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(561): View more from Florida

She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.

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(512): View more from Texas

I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys

Fav 10 2367 1171
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(810): View more from Michigan

during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"

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(515): View more from Iowa

His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.

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(703): View more from Virginia

There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.

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(419): View more from Ohio

She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable

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(607): View more from New York

Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.

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(334): View more from Alabama

Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"

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(208): View more from Idaho

Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.

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(630): View more from Illinois

You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day

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(281): View more from Texas

The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.

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(815): View more from Illinois

But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way

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(778): View more from British Columbia

It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw

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(704): View more from North Carolina

help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up

(919): View more from North Carolina

which one looks the most like her?

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(775): View more from Nevada

THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.

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(207): View more from Maine

he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.

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(213): View more from California

there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.

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(705): View more from Ontario

just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...

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(248): View more from Michigan

he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.

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(904): View more from Florida

Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?

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(641): View more from Iowa

I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".

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(313): View more from Michigan

In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home

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(661): View more from California

1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.

(1-661): View more from California

1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up

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(305): View more from Florida

I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy

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(518): View more from New York

Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.

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(213): View more from California

your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I have surprise drugs for everyone

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(256): View more from Alabama

I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.

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(239): View more from Florida

I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real

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(701): View more from North Dakota

so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.

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(406): View more from Montana

She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens

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(203): View more from Connecticut

no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.

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(850): View more from Florida

I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....

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(785): View more from Kansas

Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?

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(914): View more from New York

Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY

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(240): View more from Maryland

The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test

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(419): View more from Ohio

I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass

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(213): View more from California

"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.

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(917): View more from New York City

I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.

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(607): View more from New York

im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.

(607): View more from New York

way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses

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(757): View more from Virginia

I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.

(1-205): View more from Alabama

Is it working?

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.

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(517): View more from Michigan

These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either

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(970): View more from Colorado

I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines

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(850): View more from Florida

He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"

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(601): View more from Mississippi

And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.

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(937): View more from Ohio

The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?

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(501): View more from Arkansas

She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this

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(406): View more from Montana

she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.

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(613): View more from Ontario

who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.

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(818): View more from California

he made a bald eagle out of coke lines

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(281): View more from Texas

She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out

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(802): View more from Vermont

Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade

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(732): View more from New Jersey

hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week

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(989): View more from Michigan

there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere

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(425): View more from Washington

Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.

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(559): View more from California

Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.

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(425): View more from Washington

No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,

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(519): View more from Ontario

It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.

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(903): View more from Texas

I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass

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(907): View more from Alaska

Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...

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(804): View more from Virginia

Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.

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(713): View more from Texas

Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?

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(520): View more from Arizona

hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.

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(406): View more from Montana

You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.

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(352): View more from Florida

This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode

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(252): View more from North Carolina

My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business

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(304): View more from West Virginia

as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face

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(805): View more from California

Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?

(805): View more from California

and why are they spooning a flamingo?

(714): View more from California

they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.

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(720): View more from Colorado

were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus

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(217): View more from Illinois

I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'

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(989): View more from Michigan

Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.

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(407): View more from Florida

I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens

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(727): View more from Florida

Semen is not good for contacts.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.

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(915): View more from Texas

I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper

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(563): View more from Iowa

She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.

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(925): View more from California

I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it

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(914): View more from New York

say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.

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(716): View more from New York

When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.

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(708): View more from Illinois

if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again

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(443): View more from Maryland

Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.

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(217): View more from Illinois

We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed

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(513): View more from Ohio

He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.

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(903): View more from Texas

I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.

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(940): View more from Texas

Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was

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(419): View more from Ohio

I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday

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(317): View more from Indiana

A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.

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(813): View more from Florida

Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time

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(906): View more from Michigan

scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor

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(540): View more from Virginia

You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.

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(810): View more from Michigan

you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too

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(440): View more from Ohio

My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....

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(614): View more from Ohio

Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.

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(816): View more from Missouri

They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives

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(949): View more from California

it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable

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(847): View more from Illinois

i can recognize that vagina from a mile away

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread

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(919): View more from North Carolina

All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.

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(903): View more from Texas

If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.

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(650): View more from California

guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times

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(905): View more from Ontario

I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?

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(434): View more from Virginia

She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere

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(859): View more from Kentucky

We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay

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(931): View more from Tennessee

How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.

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(817): View more from Texas

I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself

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(519): View more from Ontario

i am way too old to be getting fingered at work

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(812): View more from Indiana

I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.

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(619): View more from California

His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed

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(847): View more from Illinois

I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?

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(252): View more from North Carolina

she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.

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(815): View more from Illinois

im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?

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(618): View more from Illinois

Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?

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(972): View more from Texas

Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night

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(801): View more from Utah

I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment

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(248): View more from Michigan

Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."

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(647): View more from Ontario

she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener

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(443): View more from Maryland

There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night

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(616): View more from Michigan

A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?

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(443): View more from Maryland

THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.

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(216): View more from Ohio

he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone

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(906): View more from Michigan

Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies

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(817): View more from Texas

If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?

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(410): View more from Maryland

Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.

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(586): View more from Michigan

We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine

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(214): View more from Texas

You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?

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(541): View more from Oregon

It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.

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(801): View more from Utah

Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety

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(317): View more from Indiana

So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing

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(519): View more from Ontario

I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?

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(520): View more from Arizona

I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.

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(419): View more from Ohio

currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school

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(417): View more from Missouri

how was ur day?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.

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(512): View more from Texas

I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.

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(207): View more from Maine

He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.

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(425): View more from Washington

Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.

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(516): View more from New York

i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher

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(308): View more from Nebraska

this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous

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(314): View more from Missouri

I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.

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(801): View more from Utah

when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.

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(989): View more from Michigan

He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame

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(504): View more from Louisiana

This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.

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(578): View more from

You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.

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(863): View more from Florida

oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.

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(847): View more from Illinois

then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started

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(228): View more from Mississippi

you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.

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(540): View more from Virginia

is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?

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(785): View more from Kansas

The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am

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(310): View more from California

Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating

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(817): View more from Texas

He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?

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(858): View more from California

for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers

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(719): View more from Colorado

passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud

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(817): View more from Texas

i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket

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(315): View more from New York

mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"

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(719): View more from Colorado

She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time

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(619): View more from California

We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"

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(619): View more from California

Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.

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(810): View more from Michigan

woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.

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(727): View more from Florida

There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"

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(360): View more from Washington

i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.

(1-360): View more from Washington

oh. my. god. yes.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean

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(801): View more from Utah

She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question

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(631): View more from New York

Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.

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(240): View more from Maryland

When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?

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(575): View more from New Mexico

not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.

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(435): View more from Utah

He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.

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(623): View more from Arizona

just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.

(623): View more from Arizona

and by single i mean slutty

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(708): View more from Illinois

Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.

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(720): View more from Colorado

If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.

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(904): View more from Florida

I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.

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(740): View more from Ohio

He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.

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(410): View more from Maryland

was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long

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(253): View more from Washington

Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?

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(512): View more from Texas

If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."

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(970): View more from Colorado

dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..

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(949): View more from California

I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...

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(304): View more from West Virginia

So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina

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(815): View more from Illinois

It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.

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(631): View more from New York

After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.

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(707): View more from California

Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.

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(410): View more from Maryland

So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal

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(201): View more from New Jersey

we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"

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(805): View more from California

He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter

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(903): View more from Texas

I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house

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(734): View more from Michigan

He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.

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(650): View more from California

Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.

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(510): View more from California

I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.

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(410): View more from Maryland

He asked if I wanted to "hang out"

(410): View more from Maryland

A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"

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(972): View more from Texas

he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.

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(716): View more from New York

I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.

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(801): View more from Utah

He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Someone in a vagina costume on campus.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.

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(954): View more from Florida

Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.

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(713): View more from Texas

His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.

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(708): View more from Illinois

this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick

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(713): View more from Texas

He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"

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(518): View more from New York

Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.

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(540): View more from Virginia

It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.

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(208): View more from Idaho

She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.

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(406): View more from Montana

Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.

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(302): View more from Delaware

It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex

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(630): View more from Illinois

Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers

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(817): View more from Texas

He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

we already have meals planned for the weekend.

(1-864): View more from South Carolina

SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.

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(703): View more from Virginia

When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.

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(954): View more from Florida

I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.

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(801): View more from Utah

He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.

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(858): View more from California

She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.

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(239): View more from Florida

What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening

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(970): View more from Colorado

I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.

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(530): View more from California

Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami

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(613): View more from Ontario

We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.

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(905): View more from Ontario

they call him Oral-B. enough said

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night

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(505): View more from New Mexico

My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.

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(301): View more from Maryland

My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was

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(718): View more from New York

We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.

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(802): View more from Vermont

i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.

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(314): View more from Missouri

you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"

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(443): View more from Maryland

booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again

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(325): View more from Texas

I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.

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(815): View more from Illinois

my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves

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(517): View more from Michigan

Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes

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(407): View more from Florida

Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.

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(940): View more from Texas

You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.

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(760): View more from California

Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.

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(713): View more from Texas

Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes

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(334): View more from Alabama

You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.

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(315): View more from New York

She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?

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(516): View more from New York

he has the hands of the vagina gods.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice

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(239): View more from Florida

Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.

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(510): View more from California

Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?

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(614): View more from Ohio

You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.

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(406): View more from Montana

I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome

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(503): View more from Oregon

I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..

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(602): View more from Arizona

just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober

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(512): View more from Texas

In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.

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(303): View more from Colorado

"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"

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(423): View more from Tennessee

We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.

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(713): View more from Texas

Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship

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(415): View more from California

Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?

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(740): View more from Ohio

he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life

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(707): View more from California

She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same

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(310): View more from California

for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Jesus...So southern.

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(641): View more from Iowa

is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?

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(239): View more from Florida

In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."

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(901): View more from Tennessee

He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.

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(469): View more from Texas

I will probably be peed on at some point today.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.

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(703): View more from Virginia

At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.

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(207): View more from Maine

No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.

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(914): View more from New York

Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame

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(949): View more from California

Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.

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(619): View more from California

why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu

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(214): View more from Texas

My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.

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(727): View more from Florida

when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?

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(314): View more from Missouri

I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance

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(443): View more from Maryland

Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.

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(917): View more from New York City

I just found a bag of teeth...

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(618): View more from Illinois

I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.

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(407): View more from Florida

and now there are teeth marks on my dick.

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(979): View more from Texas

Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy

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(970): View more from Colorado

they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother

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(620): View more from Kansas

He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.

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(816): View more from Missouri

we didnt even have break up sex...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

you had it for us with someone else...

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?

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(360): View more from Washington

Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.

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(512): View more from Texas

Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.

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(516): View more from New York

Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?

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(951): View more from California

I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.

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(848): View more from New Jersey

She said she wanted to have closure sex.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??

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(519): View more from Ontario

She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has

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(941): View more from Florida

Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.

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(440): View more from Ohio

He called his prostate his "boner button".

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.

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(619): View more from California

Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!

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(330): View more from Ohio

All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.

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(630): View more from Illinois

There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..

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(419): View more from Ohio

If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.

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(903): View more from Texas

She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".

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(303): View more from Colorado

hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.

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(512): View more from Texas

Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?

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(204): View more from Manitoba

There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.

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(716): View more from New York

It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?

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(515): View more from Iowa

Even my vagina gasped.

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(850): View more from Florida

i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend

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(518): View more from New York

I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.

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(831): View more from California

Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"

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(519): View more from Ontario

ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.

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(716): View more from New York

do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.

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(734): View more from Michigan

i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.

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(706): View more from Georgia

having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..

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(360): View more from Washington

He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.

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(214): View more from Texas

um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.

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(518): View more from New York

We left an ass print on the piano.

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(631): View more from New York

I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.

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(239): View more from Florida

so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.

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(513): View more from Ohio

They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment

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(352): View more from Florida

The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.

(1-352): View more from Florida

Oh God. You're going to jail

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(775): View more from Nevada

How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button

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(248): View more from Michigan

i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.

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(206): View more from Washington

In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.

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(847): View more from Illinois

as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me

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(512): View more from Texas

I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.

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(904): View more from Florida

So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?

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(229): View more from Georgia

I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.

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(443): View more from Maryland

She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life

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(630): View more from Illinois

He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny

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(940): View more from Texas

Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.

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(630): View more from Illinois

This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.

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(509): View more from Washington

i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.

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(409): View more from Texas

Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.

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(734): View more from Michigan

We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.

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(316): View more from Kansas

I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.

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(440): View more from Ohio

By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.

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(520): View more from Arizona

The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life

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(301): View more from Maryland

I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.

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(226): View more from Ontario

We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression

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(859): View more from Kentucky

i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey

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(317): View more from Indiana

Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...

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(406): View more from Montana

he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten

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(316): View more from Kansas

How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy

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(816): View more from Missouri

I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.

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(512): View more from Texas

You're like the curious george of whores

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(810): View more from Michigan

Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.

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(720): View more from Colorado

i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944

(720): View more from Colorado

and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on

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(707): View more from California

then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"

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(307): View more from Wyoming

there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.

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(314): View more from Missouri

In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand

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(251): View more from Alabama

I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party

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(740): View more from Ohio

I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.

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(760): View more from California

searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this

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(303): View more from Colorado

dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate

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(305): View more from Florida

woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...

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(678): View more from Georgia

i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend

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(443): View more from Maryland

The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".

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(870): View more from Arkansas

may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.

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(207): View more from Maine

Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.

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(616): View more from Michigan

No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.

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(317): View more from Indiana

you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...

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(404): View more from Georgia

Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.

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(253): View more from Washington

once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.

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(714): View more from California

All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.

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(917): View more from New York City

Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.

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(979): View more from Texas

She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.

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(530): View more from California

she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.

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(404): View more from Georgia

we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?

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(315): View more from New York

That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.

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(303): View more from Colorado

good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"

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(941): View more from Florida

well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.

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(216): View more from Ohio

When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.

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(260): View more from Indiana

I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'

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(905): View more from Ontario

Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.

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(+82): View more from South Korea

Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.

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(239): View more from Florida

Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes

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(813): View more from Florida

It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."

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(661): View more from California

Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.

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(619): View more from California

Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex

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(720): View more from Colorado

the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis

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(416): View more from Toronto

Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping

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(716): View more from New York

He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."

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(417): View more from Missouri

Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....

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(559): View more from California

The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.

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(512): View more from Texas

Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?

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(614): View more from Ohio

i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.

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(210): View more from Texas

I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.

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(406): View more from Montana

Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night

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(817): View more from Texas

In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you

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(571): View more from Virginia

Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar

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(949): View more from California

the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.

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(903): View more from Texas

One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.

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(404): View more from Georgia

She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts

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(859): View more from Kentucky

did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring

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(626): View more from California

This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side

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(779): View more from Illinois

should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?

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(928): View more from Arizona

She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.

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(415): View more from California

I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?

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(952): View more from Minnesota

So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard

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(907): View more from Alaska

I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up

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(303): View more from Colorado

If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take

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(936): View more from Texas

the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"

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(614): View more from Ohio

I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man

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(207): View more from Maine

I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.

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(703): View more from Virginia

He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?

(509): View more from Washington

You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids

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(443): View more from Maryland

the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'

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(650): View more from California

I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.

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(303): View more from Colorado

we're about an hour out, how's the weather?

(720): View more from Colorado

cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine

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(954): View more from Florida

My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick

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(520): View more from Arizona

I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.

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(707): View more from California

someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.

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(323): View more from California

She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.

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(646): View more from New York

I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.

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(214): View more from Texas

dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy

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(443): View more from Maryland

shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy

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(773): View more from Illinois

grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you

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(281): View more from Texas

Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.

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(720): View more from Colorado

i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.

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(64): View more from New Zealand

Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.

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(516): View more from New York

There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face

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(609): View more from New Jersey

is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.

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(917): View more from New York City

I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.

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(631): View more from New York

lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon

(1-631): View more from New York

wow.

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(706): View more from Georgia

saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal

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(315): View more from New York

MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!

(315): View more from New York

AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon

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(229): View more from Georgia

She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever

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(765): View more from Indiana

He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...

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(317): View more from Indiana

I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.

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(740): View more from Ohio

well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."

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(512): View more from Texas

So....maintenance found the bullethole.....

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(630): View more from Illinois

the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair

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(919): View more from North Carolina

we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best

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(443): View more from Maryland

We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.

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(281): View more from Texas

He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

What's the big deal? you guys fuck

(1-870): View more from Arkansas

3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times

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(702): View more from Nevada

It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.

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(818): View more from California

well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.

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(646): View more from New York

He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.

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(587): View more from Alberta

the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?

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(406): View more from Montana

I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"

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(740): View more from Ohio

she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me

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(816): View more from Missouri

Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet

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(850): View more from Florida

I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?

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(503): View more from Oregon

The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!

(218): View more from Minnesota

I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.

(228): View more from Mississippi

Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.

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(707): View more from California

Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....

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(612): View more from Minnesota

And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome

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(229): View more from Georgia

He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.

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(315): View more from New York

some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"

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(706): View more from Georgia

This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.

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(718): View more from New York

it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store

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(386): View more from Florida

You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?

(1-386): View more from Florida

Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.

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(305): View more from Florida

look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.

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(914): View more from New York

i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.

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(407): View more from Florida

I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city

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(619): View more from California

It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.

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(641): View more from Iowa

Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.

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(254): View more from Texas

His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!

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(517): View more from Michigan

He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time

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(404): View more from Georgia

It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.

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(425): View more from Washington

Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...

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(347): View more from New York

when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign

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(847): View more from Illinois

Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"

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(555): View more from

My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique

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(716): View more from New York

Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.

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(352): View more from Florida

Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.

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(786): View more from Florida

What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?

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(936): View more from Texas

Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.

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(404): View more from Georgia

She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7

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(416): View more from Toronto

You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..

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(510): View more from California

I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

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(631): View more from New York

He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.

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(970): View more from Colorado

And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.

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(365): View more from

Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine

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(703): View more from Virginia

We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.

(540): View more from Virginia

You guys make me sad

(703): View more from Virginia

You misspelled jealous there

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(518): View more from New York

he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.

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(410): View more from Maryland

There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional

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(604): View more from British Columbia

it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head

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(443): View more from Maryland

There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.

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(903): View more from Texas

I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.

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(703): View more from Virginia

just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.

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(512): View more from Texas

I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."

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(330): View more from Ohio

We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.

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(248): View more from Michigan

i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.

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(313): View more from Michigan

remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall

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(507): View more from Minnesota

All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon

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(205): View more from Alabama

After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.

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(573): View more from Missouri

dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life

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(434): View more from Virginia

He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy

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(760): View more from California

You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.

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(281): View more from Texas

The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny

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(703): View more from Virginia

Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "

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(818): View more from California

two words...techno handjob

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.

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(239): View more from Florida

I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling

(1-239): View more from Florida

You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?

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(512): View more from Texas

You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.

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(917): View more from New York City

I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?

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(937): View more from Ohio

I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.

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(616): View more from Michigan

On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.

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(512): View more from Texas

He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.

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(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.

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(415): View more from California

Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand

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(914): View more from New York

she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"

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(410): View more from Maryland

She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."

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(760): View more from California

I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover

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(908): View more from New Jersey

he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.

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(408): View more from California

It's chlamydia! Thank God!

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.

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(631): View more from New York

She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer

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(404): View more from Georgia

His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.

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(940): View more from Texas

Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night

(1-940): View more from Texas

I don't have a cat..?

(940): View more from Texas

Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.

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(818): View more from California

I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.

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(281): View more from Texas

She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

i came on her dog

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(925): View more from California

You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.

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(561): View more from Florida

Bad news is he broke up with me via text message

(561): View more from Florida

But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?

(815): View more from Illinois

Quite the contrary. Sophistication.

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(907): View more from Alaska

You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.

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(406): View more from Montana

she pinky promised me she was 18

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...

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(914): View more from New York

Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.

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(03): View more from

you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!

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(301): View more from Maryland

they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.

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(949): View more from California

I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..

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(813): View more from Florida

well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked

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(770): View more from Georgia

my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad

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(585): View more from New York

Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.

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(770): View more from Georgia

She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.

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(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

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(914): View more from New York

We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began

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(614): View more from Ohio

yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

and what did he say?

(614): View more from Ohio

there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time

(1-309): View more from Illinois

I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating

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(303): View more from Colorado

dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds

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(630): View more from Illinois

She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.

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(916): View more from California

Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.

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(518): View more from New York

i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with

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(440): View more from Ohio

Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"

(1-440): View more from Ohio

Perfectly normal.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You just said the magic words

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(815): View more from Illinois

there was naked duck duck goose

(703): View more from Virginia

how does that even get suggested?!

(815): View more from Illinois

after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal

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(817): View more from Texas

They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.

(214): View more from Texas

Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.

(817): View more from Texas

You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.

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(650): View more from California

she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i have to get rid of the hedgehog.

(765): View more from Indiana

Does it come with a cage?

(201): View more from New Jersey

yes. and food and toys.

(765): View more from Indiana

i'll trade you an 8th for it

(201): View more from New Jersey

deal.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life

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(626): View more from California

in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"

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(253): View more from Washington

he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.

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(289): View more from Ontario

So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already

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(732): View more from New Jersey

hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again

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(757): View more from Virginia

I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.

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(315): View more from New York

They're like penises that have been put in a blender.

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(443): View more from Maryland

His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.

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(281): View more from Texas

Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college

(973): View more from New Jersey

she has no idea

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?

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(818): View more from California

remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,

(702): View more from Nevada

Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Apparently senior citizens don't like that position

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(716): View more from New York

Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.

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(816): View more from Missouri

he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf

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(515): View more from Iowa

hes a good boy he deserves a good blow

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I think im pregnant

(803): View more from South Carolina

I think you have the wrong number

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(541): View more from Oregon

bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.

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(802): View more from Vermont

his penis is PERFECT

(802): View more from Vermont

I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm

(802): View more from Vermont

or knit it little hat

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(248): View more from Michigan

He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.

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(281): View more from Texas

i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar

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(515): View more from Iowa

So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.

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(310): View more from California

He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.

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(703): View more from Virginia

no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!

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(631): View more from New York

Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...

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(901): View more from Tennessee

when i was alone, his dick was there for me...

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(250): View more from British Columbia

the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.

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(925): View more from California

We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous

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(315): View more from New York

thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.

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(804): View more from Virginia

she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.

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(573): View more from Missouri

So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

come over i need a lifeguard for my shower

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(802): View more from Vermont

But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!

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(319): View more from Iowa

he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."

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(235): View more from

I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.

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(315): View more from New York

Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.

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(419): View more from Ohio

apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome

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(480): View more from Arizona

I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.

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(415): View more from California

There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.

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(831): View more from California

Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777

(323): View more from California

Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)

(831): View more from California

Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.

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(940): View more from Texas

I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl

(1-940): View more from Texas

you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

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(972): View more from Texas

I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.

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(210): View more from Texas

By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE

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(404): View more from Georgia

It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

No one shows this much boob at breakfast

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(361): View more from Texas

dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy

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(256): View more from Alabama

I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.

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(785): View more from Kansas

i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.

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(303): View more from Colorado

If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever

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(816): View more from Missouri

I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning

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(770): View more from Georgia

All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.

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(419): View more from Ohio

You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.

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(647): View more from Ontario

all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

(905): View more from Ontario

You're fat. Stop making excuses

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(251): View more from Alabama

how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?

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(305): View more from Florida

its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face

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(940): View more from Texas

there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me

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(954): View more from Florida

So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad

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(314): View more from Missouri

he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"

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(212): View more from New York

Your dad touched me again.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed

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(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.

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(360): View more from Washington

I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes

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(216): View more from Ohio

there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay

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(425): View more from Washington

if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you

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(602): View more from Arizona

Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore

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(802): View more from Vermont

I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do

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(314): View more from Missouri

the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.

(217): View more from Illinois

Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.

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(425): View more from Washington

He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.

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(248): View more from Michigan

So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in

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(469): View more from Texas

Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Hey man your outta milk

(541): View more from Oregon

How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!

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(732): View more from New Jersey

my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me

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(618): View more from Illinois

you should give me head with plastic fangs in

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(703): View more from Virginia

I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.

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(818): View more from California

His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.

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(716): View more from New York

I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.

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(562): View more from California

If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up

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(785): View more from Kansas

I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.

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(727): View more from Florida

Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.

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(210): View more from Texas

I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.

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(212): View more from New York

i want you now

(916): View more from California

you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(571): View more from Virginia

So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.

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(619): View more from California

just caught grandpa beating off in the living room

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(848): View more from New Jersey

I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot

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(937): View more from Ohio

He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?

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(970): View more from Colorado

do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

and?

(609): View more from New Jersey

RIP clitoris

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(314): View more from Missouri

So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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