Texts From Last Night · meluvah91's Favorites

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(773): View more from Illinois

I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.

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(727): View more from Florida

it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.

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(540): View more from Virginia

The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.

(703): View more from Virginia

So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song

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(817): View more from Texas

In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.

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(512): View more from Texas

Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

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(480): View more from Arizona

From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.

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(614): View more from Ohio

i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.

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(845): View more from New York

Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.

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(713): View more from Texas

Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty

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(219): View more from Indiana

My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight

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(408): View more from California

Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.

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(786): View more from Florida

i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"

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(404): View more from Georgia

I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.

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(207): View more from Maine

I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.

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(239): View more from Florida

No I am not eating basil off your cock

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(775): View more from Nevada

Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.

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(626): View more from California

One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska

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(330): View more from Ohio

I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.

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(772): View more from Florida

He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..

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(802): View more from Vermont

I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.

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(510): View more from California

I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.

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(858): View more from California

I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.

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(517): View more from Michigan

My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.

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(214): View more from Texas

The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night

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(443): View more from Maryland

Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.

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(913): View more from Kansas

He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.

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(509): View more from Washington

We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.

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(703): View more from Virginia

He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.

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(518): View more from New York

I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.

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(312): View more from Illinois

If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.

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(256): View more from Alabama

No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.

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(846): View more from

he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.

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(248): View more from Michigan

i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate

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(727): View more from Florida

Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs

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(970): View more from Colorado

i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.

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(503): View more from Oregon

This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man

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(734): View more from Michigan

I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.

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(936): View more from Texas

the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"

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(317): View more from Indiana

Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.

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(303): View more from Colorado

If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take

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(601): View more from Mississippi

we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.

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(302): View more from Delaware

just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.

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(904): View more from Florida

naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.

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(207): View more from Maine

Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

OMG THAT WAS YOU?!

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.

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(805): View more from California

The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood

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(952): View more from Minnesota

So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building

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(415): View more from California

I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?

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(786): View more from Florida

You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.

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(571): View more from Virginia

I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed

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(847): View more from Illinois

i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink

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(541): View more from Oregon

Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.

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(214): View more from Texas

So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.

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(712): View more from Iowa

We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.

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(469): View more from Texas

Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take

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(678): View more from Georgia

Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.

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(770): View more from Georgia

He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.

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(716): View more from New York

I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.

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(779): View more from Illinois

should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?

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(815): View more from Illinois

He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night

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(502): View more from Kentucky

She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?

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(512): View more from Texas

We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.

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(562): View more from California

she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you

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(512): View more from Texas

I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???

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(614): View more from Ohio

I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.

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(+79): View more from

Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight

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(520): View more from Arizona

He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence

(415): View more from California

shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.

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(903): View more from Texas

One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring

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(440): View more from Ohio

maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.

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(847): View more from Illinois

you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn

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(404): View more from Georgia

We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.

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(903): View more from Texas

this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison

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(530): View more from California

Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts

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(980): View more from North Carolina

when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.

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(937): View more from Ohio

She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face

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(925): View more from California

if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!

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(214): View more from Texas

I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."

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(708): View more from Illinois

I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.

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(630): View more from Illinois

i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot

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(347): View more from New York

i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...

(404): View more from Georgia

sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together

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(714): View more from California

You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"

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(785): View more from Kansas

Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites

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(251): View more from Alabama

Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.

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(404): View more from Georgia

YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!

(678): View more from Georgia

correction: escorted out

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

you didn't get her number why?

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(519): View more from Ontario

You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now

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(845): View more from New York

Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.

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(916): View more from California

Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out

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(913): View more from Kansas

The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.

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(406): View more from Montana

To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.

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(516): View more from New York

Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on

(917): View more from New York City

Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.

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(419): View more from Ohio

We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.

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(914): View more from New York

He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests

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(316): View more from Kansas

The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?

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(804): View more from Virginia

For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?

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(815): View more from Illinois

I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport

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(630): View more from Illinois

if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous

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(917): View more from New York City

I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.

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(613): View more from Ontario

OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch

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(480): View more from Arizona

it's like russian roulette but with a penis

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(513): View more from Ohio

I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is

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(270): View more from Kentucky

they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.

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(410): View more from Maryland

he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero

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(561): View more from Florida

I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face

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(815): View more from Illinois

it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast

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(540): View more from Virginia

Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.

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(217): View more from Illinois

he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate

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(586): View more from Michigan

She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.

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(404): View more from Georgia

It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves

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(317): View more from Indiana

Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass

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(425): View more from Washington

the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power

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(281): View more from Texas

Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?

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(517): View more from Michigan

we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

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(516): View more from New York

Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads

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(727): View more from Florida

My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.

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(330): View more from Ohio

i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.

(614): View more from Ohio

My vagina agrees.

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(207): View more from Maine

He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night

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(585): View more from New York

any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?

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(425): View more from Washington

You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap

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(+49): View more from Germany

The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.

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(210): View more from Texas

i had confetti in my bra

(1-210): View more from Texas

i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.

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(303): View more from Colorado

wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil

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(714): View more from California

And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?

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(415): View more from California

sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better

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(512): View more from Texas

dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night

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(425): View more from Washington

I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.

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(916): View more from California

i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"

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(951): View more from California

His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format

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(516): View more from New York

i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.

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(415): View more from California

was it good sex?

(510): View more from California

i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.

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(765): View more from Indiana

just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.

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(+30): View more from

Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi

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(208): View more from Idaho

Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf

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(269): View more from Michigan

I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.

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(786): View more from Florida

And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.

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(914): View more from New York

We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"

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(630): View more from Illinois

We are two peas in an std pod

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(860): View more from Connecticut

ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie

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(415): View more from California

Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted

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(716): View more from New York

its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose

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(707): View more from California

I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.

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(712): View more from Iowa

she used her one phone call to ask me about my day

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(806): View more from Texas

You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby

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(480): View more from Arizona

oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund

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(313): View more from Michigan

Howd you meet this guy?

(612): View more from Minnesota

I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.

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(518): View more from New York

I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?

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(415): View more from California

Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.

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(954): View more from Florida

I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"

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(650): View more from California

OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.

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(317): View more from Indiana

If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.

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(937): View more from Ohio

talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.

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(817): View more from Texas

she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..

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(312): View more from Illinois

You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles

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(720): View more from Colorado

You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN

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(706): View more from Georgia

They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods

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(613): View more from Ontario

Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.

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(323): View more from California

Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club

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(253): View more from Washington

Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out

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(281): View more from Texas

I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided

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(513): View more from Ohio

thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers

(440): View more from Ohio

its only a rough draft.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room

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(408): View more from California

He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.

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(510): View more from California

Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.

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(513): View more from Ohio

walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet

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(519): View more from Ontario

he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it

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(415): View more from California

Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.

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(804): View more from Virginia

IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT

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(949): View more from California

Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.

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(719): View more from Colorado

we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.

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(708): View more from Illinois

You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....

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(618): View more from Illinois

Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.

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(719): View more from Colorado

You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"

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(847): View more from Illinois

Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.

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(509): View more from Washington

She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.

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(503): View more from Oregon

There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever

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(318): View more from Louisiana

No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.

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(830): View more from Texas

Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.

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(+66): View more from Thailand

A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure

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(425): View more from Washington

I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...

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(443): View more from Maryland

Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.

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(253): View more from Washington

The pine trees are waving at me.

(907): View more from Alaska

Put the pipe down honey.

(253): View more from Washington

Hi trees.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?

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(503): View more from Oregon

I swear to god he's a one man village people.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers

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(+61): View more from Australia

We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.

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(802): View more from Vermont

he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.

(1-802): View more from Vermont

it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.

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(530): View more from California

Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'

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(856): View more from New Jersey

it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.

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(815): View more from Illinois

New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was

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(303): View more from Colorado

this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

where's my purse there's an important taco in it

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you

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(817): View more from Texas

When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.

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(613): View more from Ontario

You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.

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(702): View more from Nevada

She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.

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(+61): View more from Australia

She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

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(904): View more from Florida

Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

this is a time for prayers...seriously

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...

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(907): View more from Alaska

I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.

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(703): View more from Virginia

relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?

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(416): View more from Toronto

he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup

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(708): View more from Illinois

I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.

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(226): View more from Ontario

This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

cat food counts as protein by the way

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story

(307): View more from Wyoming

The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.

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(773): View more from Illinois

literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in

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(303): View more from Colorado

Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...

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(586): View more from Michigan

so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.

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(850): View more from Florida

Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza

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(613): View more from Ontario

I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.

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(503): View more from Oregon

The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?

(1-218): View more from Minnesota

Both?

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(513): View more from Ohio

wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

how could i say no?

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(256): View more from Alabama

this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.

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(404): View more from Georgia

My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory

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(504): View more from Louisiana

how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?

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(240): View more from Maryland

He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?

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(817): View more from Texas

she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.

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(707): View more from California

You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.

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(616): View more from Michigan

the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.

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(219): View more from Indiana

surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on

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(917): View more from New York City

And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.

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(513): View more from Ohio

And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.

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(419): View more from Ohio

The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .

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(248): View more from Michigan

I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Totally get that.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.

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(850): View more from Florida

I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.

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(815): View more from Illinois

We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.

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(406): View more from Montana

Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.

(336): View more from North Carolina

"people in the room" being me.

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(226): View more from Ontario

Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again

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(816): View more from Missouri

Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night

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(231): View more from Michigan

you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.

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(813): View more from Florida

It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"

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(419): View more from Ohio

I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.

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(310): View more from California

It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.

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(806): View more from Texas

That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Are you high?

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(616): View more from Michigan

So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard

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(904): View more from Florida

Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.

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(310): View more from California

While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma

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(702): View more from Nevada

She's never allowed to turn 21 again

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(740): View more from Ohio

she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse

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(406): View more from Montana

I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"

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(631): View more from New York

do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?

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(516): View more from New York

Found your pants in the mailbox

(646): View more from New York

What were my pants doing in the mailbox?

(516): View more from New York

I don't know but there's postage on them

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.

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(361): View more from Texas

Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober

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(404): View more from Georgia

What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.

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(540): View more from Virginia

there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber

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(679): View more from Michigan

You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.

(679): View more from Michigan

You really are best friends.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems

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(636): View more from Missouri

The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'

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(303): View more from Colorado

Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.

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(519): View more from Ontario

so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.

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(432): View more from Texas

Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"

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(641): View more from Iowa

she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...

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(845): View more from New York

Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.

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(562): View more from California

it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with

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(602): View more from Arizona

Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?

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(813): View more from Florida

Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.

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(949): View more from California

you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.

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(443): View more from Maryland

We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over

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(435): View more from Utah

this will be a night to untag.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!

(218): View more from Minnesota

I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.

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(804): View more from Virginia

he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms

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(253): View more from Washington

So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas

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(917): View more from New York City

They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.

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(949): View more from California

Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

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(515): View more from Iowa

the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point

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(304): View more from West Virginia

If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap

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(250): View more from British Columbia

My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."

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(901): View more from Tennessee

You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury

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(757): View more from Virginia

No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire

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(816): View more from Missouri

I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.

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(585): View more from New York

when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood

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(515): View more from Iowa

Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?

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(619): View more from California

I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.

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(301): View more from Maryland

i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.

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(678): View more from Georgia

He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.

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(310): View more from California

If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?

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(662): View more from Mississippi

It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though

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(727): View more from Florida

His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.

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(303): View more from Colorado

so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...

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(936): View more from Texas

Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance

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(443): View more from Maryland

This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.

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(765): View more from Indiana

He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.

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(518): View more from New York

he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Why am I even shocked you're doing this....

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(562): View more from California

you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut

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(314): View more from Missouri

DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??

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(303): View more from Colorado

Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today

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(313): View more from Michigan

I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot

(313): View more from Michigan

He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all

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(201): View more from New Jersey

at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

youre welcome

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(213): View more from California

Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us

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(714): View more from California

I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.

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(256): View more from Alabama

you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

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(817): View more from Texas

I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.

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(916): View more from California

on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.

(1-916): View more from California

your optimism is becoming unhealthy

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(858): View more from California

Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......

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(613): View more from Ontario

Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while

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(425): View more from Washington

Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.

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(819): View more from Quebec

She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad

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(631): View more from New York

the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care

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(251): View more from Alabama

you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?

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(619): View more from California

Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.

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(419): View more from Ohio

We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.

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(310): View more from California

I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.

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(619): View more from California

Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich

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(718): View more from New York

Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.

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(347): View more from New York

just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner

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(+61): View more from Australia

we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.

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(254): View more from Texas

His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!

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(541): View more from Oregon

She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break

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(+41): View more from Switzerland

I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples

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(315): View more from New York

My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it

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(619): View more from California

he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house

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(530): View more from California

Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.

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(858): View more from California

Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.

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(954): View more from Florida

I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.

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(801): View more from Utah

he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict

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(319): View more from Iowa

We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.

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(210): View more from Texas

Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce

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(404): View more from Georgia

I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?

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(519): View more from Ontario

Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

I'm in awe of how selfish that is.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable

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(620): View more from Kansas

He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.

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(636): View more from Missouri

maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.

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(305): View more from Florida

look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down

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(805): View more from California

my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.

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(706): View more from Georgia

This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.

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(315): View more from New York

some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"

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(906): View more from Michigan

If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?

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(209): View more from California

is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night

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(850): View more from Florida

my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Dude you has no fucking this poptart

(719): View more from Colorado

What?

(843): View more from South Carolina

I dont know to explain this.

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(954): View more from Florida

We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.

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(480): View more from Arizona

New game: find the sober person in Tbell

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(561): View more from Florida

oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything

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(908): View more from New Jersey

So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier

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(206): View more from Washington

My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.

(415): View more from California

Why?

(206): View more from Washington

Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.

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(248): View more from Michigan

To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....

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(516): View more from New York

the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY

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(647): View more from Ontario

We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

And to think..we used to do everything sober...

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(440): View more from Ohio

Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college

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(702): View more from Nevada

Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.

(816): View more from Missouri

...... wtf.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.

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(310): View more from California

Obama is so hot when he ends wars.

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(616): View more from Michigan

bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store

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(908): View more from New Jersey

It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!

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(214): View more from Texas

You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.

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(618): View more from Illinois

we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning

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(253): View more from Washington

Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often

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(305): View more from Florida

Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.

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(303): View more from Colorado

That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.

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(646): View more from New York

its my first week of college and i have a UTI

(718): View more from New York

not easy being a whore now is it

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(816): View more from Missouri

you were mass sexting so we took your phone away

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(949): View more from California

I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.

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(904): View more from Florida

I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now

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(416): View more from Toronto

He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n

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(443): View more from Maryland

she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.

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(760): View more from California

Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.

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(714): View more from California

the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester

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(705): View more from Ontario

Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this

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(703): View more from Virginia

We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.

(540): View more from Virginia

You guys make me sad

(703): View more from Virginia

You misspelled jealous there

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(365): View more from

Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine

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(516): View more from New York

She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning

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(703): View more from Virginia

I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.

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(516): View more from New York

i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor

(1-516): View more from New York

did you bang her?

(516): View more from New York

seriously?

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(302): View more from Delaware

because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.

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(703): View more from Virginia

then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...

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(917): View more from New York City

You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking

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(765): View more from Indiana

She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(630): View more from Illinois

Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident

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(785): View more from Kansas

It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...

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(541): View more from Oregon

I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...

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(269): View more from Michigan

My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.

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(515): View more from Iowa

RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..

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(207): View more from Maine

My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.

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(315): View more from New York

you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.

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(914): View more from New York

im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl

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(305): View more from Florida

you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store

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(307): View more from Wyoming

first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem

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(876): View more from Jamaica

After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone

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(305): View more from Florida

I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.

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(815): View more from Illinois

There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.

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(540): View more from Virginia

hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her

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(859): View more from Kentucky

you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do

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(804): View more from Virginia

i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song

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(225): View more from Louisiana

She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.

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(714): View more from California

im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me

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(802): View more from Vermont

hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up

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(919): View more from North Carolina

sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.

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(207): View more from Maine

Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.

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(630): View more from Illinois

You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot

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(770): View more from Georgia

If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?

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(847): View more from Illinois

Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?

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(303): View more from Colorado

the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night

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(765): View more from Indiana

So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.

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(516): View more from New York

The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you tipped EVERY employee at white castle

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(352): View more from Florida

Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?

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(303): View more from Colorado

She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters

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(507): View more from Minnesota

She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."

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(330): View more from Ohio

The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.

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(708): View more from Illinois

youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer

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(804): View more from Virginia

She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch

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(909): View more from California

The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."

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(916): View more from California

I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...

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(703): View more from Virginia

I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?

(571): View more from Virginia

Fuck you.

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(301): View more from Maryland

a search helicopter?!

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(330): View more from Ohio

We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob

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(917): View more from New York City

He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now

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(858): View more from California

God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext

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(630): View more from Illinois

Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.

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(607): View more from New York

Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles

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(423): View more from Tennessee

it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.

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(631): View more from New York

I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude

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(904): View more from Florida

Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.

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(847): View more from Illinois

If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"

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(416): View more from Toronto

i flashed his best friends last night

(1-416): View more from Toronto

you always were good at making good first impressions

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(352): View more from Florida

Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.

(352): View more from Florida

And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation

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(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store

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(801): View more from Utah

He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.

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(913): View more from Kansas

i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.

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(+33): View more from France

On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."

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(504): View more from Louisiana

i came on her dog

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina

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(818): View more from California

I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning

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(573): View more from Missouri

dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one

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(631): View more from New York

well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore

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(515): View more from Iowa

I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.

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(315): View more from New York

I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?

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(503): View more from Oregon

He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"

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(602): View more from Arizona

I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you

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(205): View more from Alabama

After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.

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(614): View more from Ohio

My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..

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(647): View more from Ontario

I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.

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(253): View more from Washington

Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.

(1-253): View more from Washington

What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited

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(732): View more from New Jersey

all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph

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(408): View more from California

if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place

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(308): View more from Nebraska

What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?

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(519): View more from Ontario

my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I'm eager to hear this explaination.

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(315): View more from New York

at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache

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(408): View more from California

It's chlamydia! Thank God!

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.

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(914): View more from New York

she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"

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(256): View more from Alabama

He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just hotboxed my laundry basket.

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(631): View more from New York

we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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(305): View more from Florida

i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot

(1-305): View more from Florida

lets call myth busters

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

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(512): View more from Texas

You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.

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(979): View more from Texas

We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny

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(231): View more from Michigan

I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard

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(925): View more from California

I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.

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(206): View more from Washington

He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe

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(207): View more from Maine

Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices

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(303): View more from Colorado

I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on

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(678): View more from Georgia

Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?

(1-678): View more from Georgia

630.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.

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(352): View more from Florida

I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.

(352): View more from Florida

Just realized these events may be related.

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(509): View more from Washington

Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex

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(757): View more from Virginia

It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.

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(810): View more from Michigan

According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.

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(607): View more from New York

Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.

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(660): View more from Missouri

THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.

(816): View more from Missouri

..So we should take it off Youtube?

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(219): View more from Indiana

By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i have to get rid of the hedgehog.

(765): View more from Indiana

Does it come with a cage?

(201): View more from New Jersey

yes. and food and toys.

(765): View more from Indiana

i'll trade you an 8th for it

(201): View more from New Jersey

deal.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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(310): View more from California

she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex

(1-310): View more from California

wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh

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(815): View more from Illinois

there was naked duck duck goose

(703): View more from Virginia

how does that even get suggested?!

(815): View more from Illinois

after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal

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(843): View more from South Carolina

You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?

(774): View more from Massachusetts

Someone just got laid.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.

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(555): View more from

Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get

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(650): View more from California

We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.

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(907): View more from Alaska

It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?

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(443): View more from Maryland

its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike

(303): View more from Colorado

you still have morals?

(443): View more from Maryland

Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole

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(281): View more from Texas

Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.

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(303): View more from Colorado

She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.

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(626): View more from California

Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?

(308): View more from Nebraska

Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.

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(702): View more from Nevada

whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want

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(+47): View more from Norway

i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.

(410): View more from Maryland

engineering majors are such efficient drunks.

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(310): View more from California

thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!

(1-310): View more from California

you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.

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(712): View more from Iowa

I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night

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(443): View more from Maryland

He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.

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(330): View more from Ohio

would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.

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(714): View more from California

walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

(714): View more from California

he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

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(425): View more from Washington

we turned his baptism video into a drinking game

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(864): View more from South Carolina

You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.

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(716): View more from New York

He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid

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(817): View more from Texas

You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"

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(516): View more from New York

I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this

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(336): View more from North Carolina

and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Don't worry. I has chaperone.

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(802): View more from Vermont

his penis is PERFECT

(802): View more from Vermont

I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm

(802): View more from Vermont

or knit it little hat

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(607): View more from New York

do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand

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(585): View more from New York

Why was I handcuffed to the roof?

(518): View more from New York

It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker

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(251): View more from Alabama

Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree

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(352): View more from Florida

Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.

(1-352): View more from Florida

What?

(352): View more from Florida

Just dont open the beer drawer.

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(904): View more from Florida

Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?

(1-904): View more from Florida

six.

(904): View more from Florida

Oh, I thought it was higher.

(1-904): View more from Florida

No, that would be the Matt's

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(860): View more from Connecticut

My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.

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(319): View more from Iowa

he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My face left an imprint in the loaf...

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(540): View more from Virginia

You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.

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(281): View more from Texas

when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.

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(602): View more from Arizona

so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.

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(512): View more from Texas

The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?

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(561): View more from Florida

This is the prime rib incident all over again

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(802): View more from Vermont

I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do

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(224): View more from Illinois

It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.

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(925): View more from California

don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement

(510): View more from California

big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.

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(516): View more from New York

id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.

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(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

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(803): View more from South Carolina

It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.

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(804): View more from Virginia

The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

(508): View more from Massachusetts

what was i wearing?

(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?

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(224): View more from Illinois

I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am

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(315): View more from New York

He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender

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(813): View more from Florida

he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there

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(504): View more from Louisiana

My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Hey man your outta milk

(541): View more from Oregon

How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!

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(319): View more from Iowa

How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.

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(770): View more from Georgia

The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions

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(425): View more from Washington

i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.

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(951): View more from California

My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now

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(707): View more from California

why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?

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(631): View more from New York

So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"

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(516): View more from New York

we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan

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(516): View more from New York

I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us

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(757): View more from Virginia

I won't be sarcastic... just naked

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.

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(410): View more from Maryland

what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!

(1-410): View more from Maryland

the part where you beat me to him

(410): View more from Maryland

fair enough.

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(407): View more from Florida

What's he like?

(954): View more from Florida

The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.

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(310): View more from California

can your parents tell?

(310): View more from California

i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know

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(858): View more from California

So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?

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(937): View more from Ohio

He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?

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(630): View more from Illinois

I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude

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(801): View more from Utah

please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?

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(520): View more from Arizona

2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.

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(562): View more from California

In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

like hot dogs and buns.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.

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(819): View more from Quebec

I woke up to her vacumming the grass

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(210): View more from Texas

This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".

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(850): View more from Florida

I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.

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(517): View more from Michigan

you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.

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(937): View more from Ohio

[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]

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(626): View more from California

Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I honestly don't know what to make of that.

(423): View more from Tennessee

A ham sandwich would be nice.

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."

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(404): View more from Georgia

There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase

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(619): View more from California

she peed on how many people?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

Wait until you see the roof.

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(513): View more from Ohio

just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America

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(727): View more from Florida

He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

i think i left my bra at your place

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.

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(720): View more from Colorado

For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)

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(954): View more from Florida

tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?

(1-954): View more from Florida

Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.

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(562): View more from California

So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.

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(770): View more from Georgia

His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out

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(305): View more from Florida

Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.

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(289): View more from Ontario

It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch

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(706): View more from Georgia

He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

so yall hooked up?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"

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(410): View more from Maryland

There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.

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(801): View more from Utah

Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first

(206): View more from Washington

You are the luckiest man alive

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(786): View more from Florida

hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.

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(970): View more from Colorado

my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture

(1-336): View more from North Carolina

Glad to see your being a lady about this

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.

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(817): View more from Texas

HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome

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(614): View more from Ohio

you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.

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(312): View more from Illinois

i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?

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(917): View more from New York City

I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs

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(518): View more from New York

All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

(301): View more from Maryland

OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

(518): View more from New York

Doritoesssssss

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(863): View more from Florida

And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard

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(419): View more from Ohio

you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.

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(903): View more from Texas

omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.

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(315): View more from New York

His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.

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(512): View more from Texas

just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?

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(210): View more from Texas

they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.

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(858): View more from California

Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.

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(818): View more from California

I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.

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(269): View more from Michigan

He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.

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(949): View more from California

I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

She tied me up with her honor cords...

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(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.

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(806): View more from Texas

at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.

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(916): View more from California

Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?

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(318): View more from Louisiana

This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom

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(716): View more from New York

You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?

(416): View more from Toronto

Better looking than her though please.

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(650): View more from California

we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed

(505): View more from New Mexico

god you guys know how to party

(650): View more from California

worst. bachelorette party. ever.

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(650): View more from California

so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.

(1-650): View more from California

did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.

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(713): View more from Texas

Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds

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(205): View more from Alabama

It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.

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(619): View more from California

I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch

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(765): View more from Indiana

let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.

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(716): View more from New York

I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount

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(630): View more from Illinois

He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?

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(702): View more from Nevada

I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"

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(415): View more from California

I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.

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(831): View more from California

It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics

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(912): View more from Georgia

It's shedding

(1-912): View more from Georgia

I told you penises don't tan

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(541): View more from Oregon

Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.

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(989): View more from Michigan

It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.

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(310): View more from California

Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake

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(913): View more from Kansas

Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.

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(+49): View more from Germany

Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Good morning to you

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(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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(309): View more from Illinois

i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.

(309): View more from Illinois

so finals studying is going well?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.

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(815): View more from Illinois

i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.

(1-815): View more from Illinois

you need to get laid.. and an oil change.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.

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(530): View more from California

I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.

(1-530): View more from California

fuck. you.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

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(865): View more from Tennessee

He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears

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(773): View more from Illinois

arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

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(816): View more from Missouri

So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeeah thank god

(816): View more from Missouri

Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(847): View more from Illinois

Whoa, Gary Coleman died

(224): View more from Illinois

Whatchu talkin bout?!?!

(847): View more from Illinois

Too soon.

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(317): View more from Indiana

You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time

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(415): View more from California

Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.

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(518): View more from New York

she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back

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(509): View more from Washington

The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.

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(708): View more from Illinois

sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed

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(860): View more from Connecticut

all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes

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(402): View more from Nebraska

yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.

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(315): View more from New York

Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.

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(905): View more from Ontario

She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris

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(408): View more from California

sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds

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(847): View more from Illinois

Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.

(708): View more from Illinois

May it rest in peace.

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(586): View more from Michigan

so how was last night?

(1-586): View more from Michigan

got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

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(503): View more from Oregon

Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal

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(907): View more from Alaska

My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle

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(256): View more from Alabama

My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.

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(301): View more from Maryland

and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit

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(517): View more from Michigan

this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(559): View more from California

he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker

(914): View more from New York

Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?

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(317): View more from Indiana

After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.

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(408): View more from California

They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.

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(330): View more from Ohio

You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.

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(765): View more from Indiana

we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.

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(207): View more from Maine

dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat

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(757): View more from Virginia

He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.

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(240): View more from Maryland

oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times

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(519): View more from Ontario

due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.

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(802): View more from Vermont

i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer

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(708): View more from Illinois

I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�

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(281): View more from Texas

I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss

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(609): View more from New Jersey

The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.

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(207): View more from Maine

my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.

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(712): View more from Iowa

it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe

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(501): View more from Arkansas

This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.

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(949): View more from California

Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.

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(630): View more from Illinois

i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

nothing about this is right.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

How did the beer even get there in the first place?

(734): View more from Michigan

That's not what's important right now

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(773): View more from Illinois

I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit

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(352): View more from Florida

Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes

(1-352): View more from Florida

I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.

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(314): View more from Missouri

There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.

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(757): View more from Virginia

you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'

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(315): View more from New York

THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!

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(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing

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(843): View more from South Carolina

when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.

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(513): View more from Ohio

you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar

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(303): View more from Colorado

If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage

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(303): View more from Colorado

his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy

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(214): View more from Texas

herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.

(1-214): View more from Texas

ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...

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(813): View more from Florida

Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.

(1-813): View more from Florida

I ordered a moonbounce.

(813): View more from Florida

Fuck, you win.

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(310): View more from California

So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.

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(813): View more from Florida

So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks

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(954): View more from Florida

I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.

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(620): View more from Kansas

Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.

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(708): View more from Illinois

If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.

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(858): View more from California

Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch

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(910): View more from North Carolina

This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.

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(773): View more from Illinois

She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.

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(409): View more from Texas

We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.

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(585): View more from New York

You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.

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(516): View more from New York

The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.

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(620): View more from Kansas

I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?

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(316): View more from Kansas

when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover

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(802): View more from Vermont

my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya

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(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.

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(408): View more from California

I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.

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(248): View more from Michigan

It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.

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(518): View more from New York

and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.

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(810): View more from Michigan

The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I intend to get homeless drunk

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.

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(302): View more from Delaware

dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit

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(323): View more from California

Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.

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(585): View more from New York

Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.

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(208): View more from Idaho

My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.

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(702): View more from Nevada

You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.

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(714): View more from California

She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.

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(708): View more from Illinois

You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.

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(914): View more from New York

every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"

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(714): View more from California

i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick

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(516): View more from New York

Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...

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(314): View more from Missouri

he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.

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(503): View more from Oregon

There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???

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(330): View more from Ohio

Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.

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(813): View more from Florida

so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw

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(512): View more from Texas

I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.

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(409): View more from Texas

well he's currently spooning the coffee table

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.

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(480): View more from Arizona

He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.

(602): View more from Arizona

Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

who'd you have sex with.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight

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(213): View more from California

I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.

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(315): View more from New York

We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same

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(703): View more from Virginia

How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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(573): View more from Missouri

i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out

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(229): View more from Georgia

please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(423): View more from Tennessee

If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom

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(314): View more from Missouri

I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

I'm jealous

(270): View more from Kentucky

My throat feels like a candle.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.

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(757): View more from Virginia

It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like

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(407): View more from Florida

i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?

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(831): View more from California

I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.

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(305): View more from Florida

Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.

(786): View more from Florida

How high are you right now..

(305): View more from Florida

I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

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