Texts From Last Night · avemariaa's Favorites

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(908): View more from New Jersey

best eviction party ever.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.

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(585): View more from New York

He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.

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(425): View more from Washington

I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"

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(519): View more from Ontario

Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.

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(636): View more from Missouri

it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.

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(543): View more from

So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?

(256): View more from Alabama

Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.

(543): View more from

You are an idiot.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.

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(707): View more from California

he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities

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(315): View more from New York

we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury

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(530): View more from California

It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support

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(619): View more from California

He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.

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(916): View more from California

That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt

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(720): View more from Colorado

Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.

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(425): View more from Washington

I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.

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(631): View more from New York

A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.

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(323): View more from California

She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.

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(647): View more from Ontario

He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.

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(775): View more from Nevada

We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before

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(803): View more from South Carolina

My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

Did you win?

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.

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(705): View more from Ontario

His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.

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(360): View more from Washington

Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI

(1-520): View more from Arizona

this is why i love drunk you

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(203): View more from Connecticut

she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard

(203): View more from Connecticut

GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD

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(315): View more from New York

For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.

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(636): View more from Missouri

We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.

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(212): View more from New York

He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus

(908): View more from New Jersey

Yeah but the people love.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means

(651): View more from Minnesota

ITS ORAL SEX CAROL

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(660): View more from Missouri

I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.

(1-660): View more from Missouri

THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER

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(516): View more from New York

I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring

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(440): View more from Ohio

im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.

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(212): View more from New York

Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?

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(970): View more from Colorado

The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze

(713): View more from Texas

My liver has a boner

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(954): View more from Florida

Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?

(561): View more from Florida

Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.

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(208): View more from Idaho

He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE

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(518): View more from New York

The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing

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(731): View more from Tennessee

She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?

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(302): View more from Delaware

well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere

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(212): View more from New York

No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.

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(631): View more from New York

I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her

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(936): View more from Texas

I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.

(443): View more from Maryland

*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for

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(352): View more from Florida

He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just can't deal with that sentence

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.

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(229): View more from Georgia

I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.

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(253): View more from Washington

don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor

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(423): View more from Tennessee

She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.

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(925): View more from California

Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.

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(209): View more from California

Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol

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(801): View more from Utah

I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.

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(904): View more from Florida

Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra

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(520): View more from Arizona

you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab

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(315): View more from New York

Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail

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(312): View more from Illinois

I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face

(1-312): View more from Illinois

he seemed brazillian..

(312): View more from Illinois

fuck.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here

(702): View more from Nevada

Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.

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(519): View more from Ontario

what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend

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(214): View more from Texas

He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector

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(469): View more from Texas

Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.

(214): View more from Texas

That's our motto every night.

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(813): View more from Florida

IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.

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(757): View more from Virginia

We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it

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(309): View more from Illinois

He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"

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(410): View more from Maryland

We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?

(727): View more from Florida

Oh god...probably.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die

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(646): View more from New York

Is 1:30 too early for the bar?

(718): View more from New York

Do you want my opinion or society's?

(646): View more from New York

I want your company

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(757): View more from Virginia

We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever

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(831): View more from California

my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up

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(314): View more from Missouri

The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?

(1-504): View more from Louisiana

That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?

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(845): View more from New York

I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings

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(661): View more from California

He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.

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(909): View more from California

I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..

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(503): View more from Oregon

jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.

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(+91): View more from India

I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea

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(209): View more from California

I can't put those talents on a resume

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(647): View more from Ontario

My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place

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(513): View more from Ohio

My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining

(508): View more from Massachusetts

I think that would solve a million problems

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(914): View more from New York

She's been drunk for three days now

(914): View more from New York

Like three straight days. 72 hours

(914): View more from New York

She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?

(1-507): View more from Minnesota

Fuck you, my tits are fabulous

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(850): View more from Florida

I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.

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(925): View more from California

Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex

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(218): View more from Minnesota

my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this

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(785): View more from Kansas

U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick

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(712): View more from Iowa

When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot

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(517): View more from Michigan

Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener

(508): View more from Massachusetts

The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Are you still free tonight?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid

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(850): View more from Florida

I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.

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(775): View more from Nevada

This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.

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(315): View more from New York

Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...

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(906): View more from Michigan

I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer

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(360): View more from Washington

If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.

(503): View more from Oregon

Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!

(360): View more from Washington

A cheater.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.

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(+61): View more from Australia

The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger

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(613): View more from Ontario

IM WEARING A FLAG

(1-613): View more from Ontario

So that's a no to the clothes then

(613): View more from Ontario

FLAG

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(712): View more from Iowa

She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.

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(406): View more from Montana

Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me

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(818): View more from California

Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.

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(217): View more from Illinois

List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.

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(714): View more from California

She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick

(1-714): View more from California

Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!

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(614): View more from Ohio

Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Whore are you.

(301): View more from Maryland

Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Yes.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship

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(727): View more from Florida

We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...

(320): View more from Minnesota

He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.

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(631): View more from New York

I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.

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(214): View more from Texas

If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you

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(708): View more from Illinois

it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus

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(954): View more from Florida

My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.

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(330): View more from Ohio

MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

(216): View more from Ohio

I'll be there in 20 with vodka.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.

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(812): View more from Indiana

The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.

(503): View more from Oregon

I'm on the job.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles

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(269): View more from Michigan

I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.

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(817): View more from Texas

Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.

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(530): View more from California

it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam

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(806): View more from Texas

Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep

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(423): View more from Tennessee

We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.

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(779): View more from Illinois

I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs

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(917): View more from New York City

I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.

(864): View more from South Carolina

I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.

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(239): View more from Florida

And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok

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(307): View more from Wyoming

There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.

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(708): View more from Illinois

i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you

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(315): View more from New York

she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...

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(204): View more from Manitoba

HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole

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(770): View more from Georgia

I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.

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(613): View more from Ontario

All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.

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(424): View more from California

The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "

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(208): View more from Idaho

When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.

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(303): View more from Colorado

that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.

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(760): View more from California

Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun

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(319): View more from Iowa

...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text

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(818): View more from California

end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin

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(404): View more from Georgia

After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"

(404): View more from Georgia

I come from her. Holy hell.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.

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(850): View more from Florida

If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.

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(416): View more from Toronto

She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.

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(951): View more from California

Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.

(1-951): View more from California

Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.

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(415): View more from California

I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells

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(619): View more from California

Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.

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(480): View more from Arizona

You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it

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(507): View more from Minnesota

You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"

(815): View more from Illinois

I stand by it.

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(937): View more from Ohio

We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous

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(647): View more from Ontario

I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.

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(309): View more from Illinois

It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.

(1-309): View more from Illinois

...Wow...

(309): View more from Illinois

I could be a kindergarten teacher

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it

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(778): View more from British Columbia

No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.

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(509): View more from Washington

Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane

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(815): View more from Illinois

Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius

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(336): View more from North Carolina

He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Cockoligist

(587): View more from Alberta

Yes, one may refer to me as that.

(587): View more from Alberta

I should make business cards.

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(727): View more from Florida

I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?

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(410): View more from Maryland

It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you

(541): View more from Oregon

I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.

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(212): View more from New York

You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?

(475): View more from Connecticut

Yeah?

(212): View more from New York

Stuck it in his pooper.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?

(1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

Only if they know about it too.

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(229): View more from Georgia

I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.

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(616): View more from Michigan

But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.

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(404): View more from Georgia

best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures

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(775): View more from Nevada

Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls

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(604): View more from British Columbia

It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.

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(909): View more from California

I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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(425): View more from Washington

Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.

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(905): View more from Ontario

And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.

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(303): View more from Colorado

who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you

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(646): View more from New York

People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here

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(512): View more from Texas

They should make Jack Daniels chap stick

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(256): View more from Alabama

I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.

(303): View more from Colorado

That's all I've ever wanted.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles

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(419): View more from Ohio

I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.

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(315): View more from New York

There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.

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(660): View more from Missouri

On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.

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(530): View more from California

My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed

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(760): View more from California

Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly

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(425): View more from Washington

OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?

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(718): View more from New York

Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.

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(647): View more from Ontario

She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke

(647): View more from Ontario

She kept going

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.

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(813): View more from Florida

I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship

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(646): View more from New York

Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom

(347): View more from New York

I can't even drink.

(646): View more from New York

The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?

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(916): View more from California

I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.

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(805): View more from California

My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Vodka?

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Forever.

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(406): View more from Montana

I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself

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(641): View more from Iowa

IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band

(312): View more from Illinois

Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume

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(616): View more from Michigan

But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"

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(+61): View more from Australia

I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.

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(941): View more from Florida

He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.

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(818): View more from California

He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

But theres a keg here and me gusta

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I remember it like it was tomorrow.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

Sunday is the day of rest.

(857): View more from Massachusetts

As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.

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(351): View more from Massachusetts

I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.

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(616): View more from Michigan

When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."

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(518): View more from New York

September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love

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(972): View more from Texas

I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.

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(619): View more from California

Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.

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(239): View more from Florida

Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way

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(956): View more from Texas

Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge

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(914): View more from New York

We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.

(1-740): View more from Ohio

When in doubt always reply with bacon.

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(541): View more from Oregon

So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.

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(831): View more from California

You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint

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(301): View more from Maryland

Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.

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(310): View more from California

I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow

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(216): View more from Ohio

We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber

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(804): View more from Virginia

time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY

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(303): View more from Colorado

Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.

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(661): View more from California

he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".

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(310): View more from California

she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.

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(567): View more from Ohio

She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.

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(254): View more from Texas

That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.

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(706): View more from Georgia

six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah, that was you

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

there needs to be a build-a-bong store...

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(239): View more from Florida

What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?

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(219): View more from Indiana

They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college

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(907): View more from Alaska

Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.

(1-907): View more from Alaska

Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..

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(381): View more from

I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.

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(619): View more from California

After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

That's the best idea I've heard all day.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Sex on roller skates

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Floating mattress

(301): View more from Maryland

Tie

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies

(612): View more from Minnesota

Stop drinking before 5

(651): View more from Minnesota

Easier said than done

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(312): View more from Illinois

That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.

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(540): View more from Virginia

AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.

(803): View more from South Carolina

Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.

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(360): View more from Washington

I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist

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(406): View more from Montana

he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.

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(812): View more from Indiana

last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Lube is flammable

(404): View more from Georgia

Who is this??

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous

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(441): View more from Bermuda-Carib

You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.

(440): View more from Ohio

The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?

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(315): View more from New York

Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really

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(616): View more from Michigan

At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head

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(905): View more from Ontario

Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.

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(478): View more from Georgia

Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.

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(847): View more from Illinois

but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.

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(818): View more from California

dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks

(626): View more from California

well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person

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(770): View more from Georgia

Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.

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(646): View more from New York

Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

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(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.

(1-812): View more from Indiana

...the American dream.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?

(941): View more from Florida

I was attacked by whores

(609): View more from New Jersey

You threw up on yourself again didn't you?

(941): View more from Florida

They were strong whores

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(719): View more from Colorado

new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober

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(517): View more from Michigan

we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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(863): View more from Florida

sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it

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(216): View more from Ohio

Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight

(440): View more from Ohio

Challenge Accepted

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(512): View more from Texas

well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room

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(402): View more from Nebraska

your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me

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(316): View more from Kansas

This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Banned from zoo.

(301): View more from Maryland

Again?

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(607): View more from New York

I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"

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(913): View more from Kansas

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're the best girlfriend ever.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."

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(954): View more from Florida

you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.

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(207): View more from Maine

things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.

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(310): View more from California

My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."

(323): View more from California

If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I hate having morals and standards the next morning.

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(703): View more from Virginia

maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.

(859): View more from Kentucky

i did. i'm using it as a microphone.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Her vagina smelled like bad decisions

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.

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(845): View more from New York

what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?

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(515): View more from Iowa

It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.

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(713): View more from Texas

Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.

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(360): View more from Washington

well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home

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(661): View more from California

May God have mercy on my new vibrator.

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(207): View more from Maine

A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.

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(315): View more from New York

playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps

(315): View more from New York

warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?

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(630): View more from Illinois

Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You almost set me on fire last night.

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

You probably deserved it.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye

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(808): View more from Hawaii

And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.

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(301): View more from Maryland

ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.

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(360): View more from Washington

You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.

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(317): View more from Indiana

do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?

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(571): View more from Virginia

I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive

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(740): View more from Ohio

Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.

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(248): View more from Michigan

i can't wait to go to hell

(1-248): View more from Michigan

yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure

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(802): View more from Vermont

you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.

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(586): View more from Michigan

yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent

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(907): View more from Alaska

Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"

(414): View more from Wisconsin

I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?

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(770): View more from Georgia

You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.

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(239): View more from Florida

Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.

(801): View more from Utah

Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.

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(406): View more from Montana

someone owes me an orgasm

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Goddamn tequila

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(616): View more from Michigan

I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.

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(253): View more from Washington

i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down

(253): View more from Washington

ppsyche im wasted where are you

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(903): View more from Texas

He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding

(541): View more from Oregon

Can I have him when you're done?

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(204): View more from Manitoba

We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE

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(419): View more from Ohio

They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.

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(305): View more from Florida

It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.

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(207): View more from Maine

You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister

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(404): View more from Georgia

This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"

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(619): View more from California

Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.

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(951): View more from California

Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.

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(360): View more from Washington

What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I cant shower it involves moving...

(219): View more from Indiana

Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.

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(925): View more from California

All I want is tacobeell and your body

(1-925): View more from California

that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.

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(631): View more from New York

Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?

(516): View more from New York

lol... you weighed it?

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(847): View more from Illinois

Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Do you want cuervo gold or silver?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you said candy land and then passed out.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.

(1-701): View more from North Dakota

Jesus, are you hammered?

(701): View more from North Dakota

Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better

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(420): View more from

It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.

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(386): View more from Florida

At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?

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(310): View more from California

She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?

(+48): View more from Poland

Poland

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(+49): View more from Germany

we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!

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(707): View more from California

I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once

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(678): View more from Georgia

When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.

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(212): View more from New York

it was like a zeppelin in a condom

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.

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(302): View more from Delaware

She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.

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(916): View more from California

Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.

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(253): View more from Washington

There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.

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(815): View more from Illinois

My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.

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(815): View more from Illinois

You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.

(1-815): View more from Illinois

Best Friends For Life.

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(425): View more from Washington

He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that

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(707): View more from California

They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.

(705): View more from Ontario

I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm off the liquor

(1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you found the shrooms didnt you

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(231): View more from Michigan

Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.

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(406): View more from Montana

Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes

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(206): View more from Washington

What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?

(425): View more from Washington

Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.

(507): View more from Minnesota

Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion

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(585): View more from New York

And I feel bad.

(716): View more from New York

Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?

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(972): View more from Texas

Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.

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(607): View more from New York

You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.

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(917): View more from New York City

when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.

(917): View more from New York City

Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.

(347): View more from New York

he is a god among men.

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(770): View more from Georgia

You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.

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(515): View more from Iowa

nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right

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(732): View more from New Jersey

just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer

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(404): View more from Georgia

He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...

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(323): View more from California

forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell

(310): View more from California

my version of bright and sunny.

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(646): View more from New York

How was the rest of your night?

(917): View more from New York City

A little fuzzy and a lot naked.

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(207): View more from Maine

We are hot boxing the gondola

(607): View more from New York

I hate everything.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?

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(325): View more from Texas

You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

You almost married that.

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(913): View more from Kansas

The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.

(816): View more from Missouri

Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from

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(613): View more from Ontario

I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.

(423): View more from Tennessee

strike, motherfucker.

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(847): View more from Illinois

The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.

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(819): View more from Quebec

The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.

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(770): View more from Georgia

you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.

(678): View more from Georgia

THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Do what your heart wants. . .

(504): View more from Louisiana

My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

Marry him. Now.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot

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(775): View more from Nevada

That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.

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(310): View more from California

I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm

(1-757): View more from Virginia

Dick in a box?

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(417): View more from Missouri

I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.

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(310): View more from California

Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.

(1-310): View more from California

Shall we take a trip back?

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(989): View more from Michigan

Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?

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(708): View more from Illinois

What are you doing and how can I add sex in there

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(+66): View more from Thailand

Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I love tequila.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.

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(712): View more from Iowa

I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"

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(623): View more from Arizona

How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?

(1-623): View more from Arizona

You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Same.

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(518): View more from New York

It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.

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(360): View more from Washington

Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.

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(254): View more from Texas

Are we hungover?

(713): View more from Texas

I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'

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(770): View more from Georgia

Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.

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(614): View more from Ohio

not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...

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(901): View more from Tennessee

He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.

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(847): View more from Illinois

So I'm banging this nun...

(314): View more from Missouri

Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.

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(585): View more from New York

You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!

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(806): View more from Texas

Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.

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(281): View more from Texas

that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.

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(716): View more from New York

she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"

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(650): View more from California

i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.

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(435): View more from Utah

Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.

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(207): View more from Maine

dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat

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(770): View more from Georgia

There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u

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(307): View more from Wyoming

i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer

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(404): View more from Georgia

on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

i can respect that.

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(281): View more from Texas

So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?

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(613): View more from Ontario

oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt

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(586): View more from Michigan

You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?

(1-586): View more from Michigan

You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.

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(904): View more from Florida

Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.

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(509): View more from Washington

My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?

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(813): View more from Florida

My mind said no, but my drink said yes.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

(410): View more from Maryland

you are way too vulgar to be a girl

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I'm wearing red that night.

(301): View more from Maryland

Noted, what shade?

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Whore.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

How was your weekend?

(508): View more from Massachusetts

The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.

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(682): View more from Texas

I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.

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(518): View more from New York

Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Can't be the first without the last

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(316): View more from Kansas

You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again

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(678): View more from Georgia

This is the weirdest negotiation ever.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.

(847): View more from Illinois

Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st

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(804): View more from Virginia

by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"

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(708): View more from Illinois

Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis

(773): View more from Illinois

Just arrived at our party

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.

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(516): View more from New York

1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.

(516): View more from New York

By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!

(508): View more from Massachusetts

He does that

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that

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(530): View more from California

sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom

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(614): View more from Ohio

They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.

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(253): View more from Washington

At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.

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(951): View more from California

I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.

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(305): View more from Florida

So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.

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(646): View more from New York

last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good

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(916): View more from California

I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay

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(509): View more from Washington

Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom

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(602): View more from Arizona

You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink

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(+61): View more from Australia

we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.

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(443): View more from Maryland

We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy

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(503): View more from Oregon

Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.

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(518): View more from New York

He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.

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(224): View more from Illinois

I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania

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(562): View more from California

I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?

(714): View more from California

Whatever it is you failed

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(714): View more from California

the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.

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(631): View more from New York

Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying

(1-631): View more from New York

Oh good your over him

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.

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(214): View more from Texas

My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.

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(949): View more from California

Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies

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(415): View more from California

just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"

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(425): View more from Washington

UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD

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(739): View more from

The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.

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(210): View more from Texas

It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees

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(516): View more from New York

The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.

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(905): View more from Ontario

he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love

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(952): View more from Minnesota

you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.

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(785): View more from Kansas

She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?

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(706): View more from Georgia

I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

That's the stuff legends are made of

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(847): View more from Illinois

I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE

(1-847): View more from Illinois

This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.

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(248): View more from Michigan

There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's

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(708): View more from Illinois

Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.

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(913): View more from Kansas

So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.

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(914): View more from New York

He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.

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(518): View more from New York

#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?

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(408): View more from California

I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you

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(701): View more from North Dakota

He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.

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(314): View more from Missouri

She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?

(859): View more from Kentucky

i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.

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(310): View more from California

Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.

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(417): View more from Missouri

So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.

(1-471): View more from

That's all you talk about when you are wasted.

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(914): View more from New York

we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."

(401): View more from Rhode Island

I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.

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(941): View more from Florida

Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?

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(530): View more from California

On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised

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(714): View more from California

the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?

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(817): View more from Texas

Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.

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(210): View more from Texas

Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.

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(253): View more from Washington

We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.

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(936): View more from Texas

If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.

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(254): View more from Texas

I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls

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(845): View more from New York

Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."

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(870): View more from Arkansas

No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.

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(727): View more from Florida

It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.

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(316): View more from Kansas

This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.

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(530): View more from California

She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential

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(604): View more from British Columbia

The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

well in DOG beers, i've only had one

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(404): View more from Georgia

He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.

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(815): View more from Illinois

He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.

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(530): View more from California

Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication

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(310): View more from California

I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis

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(201): View more from New Jersey

A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."

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(541): View more from Oregon

im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more

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(714): View more from California

You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?

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(512): View more from Texas

her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"

(1-512): View more from Texas

you motherfucker

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(862): View more from New Jersey

Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles

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(914): View more from New York

getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.

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(812): View more from Indiana

She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.

(850): View more from Florida

This has already gotten way out of hand

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis

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(636): View more from Missouri

Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent

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(740): View more from Ohio

I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".

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(970): View more from Colorado

Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.

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(804): View more from Virginia

What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.

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(727): View more from Florida

You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?

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(713): View more from Texas

just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal

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(443): View more from Maryland

Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?

(1-443): View more from Maryland

A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.

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(281): View more from Texas

I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall

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(757): View more from Virginia

She fuckin peed on me

(817): View more from Texas

Stay golden ponyboy

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(269): View more from Michigan

It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.

(1-269): View more from Michigan

I just wanted to decorate you...

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...

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(903): View more from Texas

best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.

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(818): View more from California

You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.

(805): View more from California

Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.

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(913): View more from Kansas

You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #

(816): View more from Missouri

ah tequila...

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(571): View more from Virginia

You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?

(703): View more from Virginia

I don't even know what potassium is.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.

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(810): View more from Michigan

i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said

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(678): View more from Georgia

why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?

(770): View more from Georgia

I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle

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(704): View more from North Carolina

this is really not the time to pretend we have morals

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

my mouth tastes like poor choices

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(320): View more from Minnesota

don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,

(679): View more from Michigan

I wanted to be a dolphin.

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(214): View more from Texas

I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.

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(702): View more from Nevada

im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?

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(616): View more from Michigan

I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.

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(509): View more from Washington

Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.

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(718): View more from New York

ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE

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(623): View more from Arizona

I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.

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(513): View more from Ohio

you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.

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(817): View more from Texas

Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"

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(404): View more from Georgia

He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.

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(786): View more from Florida

It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...

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(302): View more from Delaware

you goin out tonight?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

who is this.

(302): View more from Delaware

your orgasm for tonight

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.

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(765): View more from Indiana

my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything

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(+36): View more from

until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Oh God.

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(773): View more from Illinois

No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?

(908): View more from New Jersey

It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Why are you speaking in third person?

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.

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(556): View more from

Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard

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(562): View more from California

omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God

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(713): View more from Texas

do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?

(408): View more from California

JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.

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(415): View more from California

I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...

(404): View more from Georgia

I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.

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(330): View more from Ohio

No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.

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(248): View more from Michigan

You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!

(715): View more from Wisconsin

I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route

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(206): View more from Washington

Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.

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(914): View more from New York

The ice cream man just told me to use protection.

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(585): View more from New York

We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.

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(519): View more from Ontario

sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.

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(415): View more from California

I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.

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(509): View more from Washington

And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid

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(206): View more from Washington

Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?

(206): View more from Washington

Adult decisions.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.

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(419): View more from Ohio

There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on

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(386): View more from Florida

And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur

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(212): View more from New York

There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.

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(360): View more from Washington

Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night

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(503): View more from Oregon

I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?

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(925): View more from California

Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.

(1-925): View more from California

If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.

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(802): View more from Vermont

You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day

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(518): View more from New York

He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.

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(574): View more from Indiana

A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong

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(904): View more from Florida

he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?

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(248): View more from Michigan

Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."

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(903): View more from Texas

Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now

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(519): View more from Ontario

someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF

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(315): View more from New York

i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV

(802): View more from Vermont

you're the only one i would trust to do that

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.

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(760): View more from California

Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.

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(713): View more from Texas

Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.

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(707): View more from California

there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.

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(585): View more from New York

He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.

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(647): View more from Ontario

A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".

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(919): View more from North Carolina

when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.

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(571): View more from Virginia

FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.

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(512): View more from Texas

Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice

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(916): View more from California

In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?

(1-916): View more from California

Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.

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(563): View more from Iowa

last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.

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(636): View more from Missouri

He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.

(314): View more from Missouri

That was the greatest thing i have ever read.

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(678): View more from Georgia

You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?

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(248): View more from Michigan

The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats

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(309): View more from Illinois

Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning

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(956): View more from Texas

He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...

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(662): View more from Mississippi

She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'

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(706): View more from Georgia

I GOT MY PERIOD!

(706): View more from Georgia

damn. i had names picked out.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.

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(571): View more from Virginia

so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare

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(347): View more from New York

the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant

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(928): View more from Arizona

I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.

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(850): View more from Florida

that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick

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(559): View more from California

We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.

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(360): View more from Washington

it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing

(206): View more from Washington

and semen

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(607): View more from New York

I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.

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(714): View more from California

Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?

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(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

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(708): View more from Illinois

For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?

(773): View more from Illinois

To be honest, kinda.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking

(920): View more from Wisconsin

All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo

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(205): View more from Alabama

Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails

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(716): View more from New York

i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable

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(650): View more from California

Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human

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(203): View more from Connecticut

his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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(410): View more from Maryland

so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.

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(941): View more from Florida

Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Whatever you gave me is making me lactate

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.

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(212): View more from New York

I heard we made out

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(705): View more from Ontario

I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

True on all accounts.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.

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(949): View more from California

He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.

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(714): View more from California

sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers

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(+61): View more from Australia

You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.

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(815): View more from Illinois

My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.

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(206): View more from Washington

Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.

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(+33): View more from France

Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"

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(661): View more from California

I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.

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(509): View more from Washington

Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I had to brake up with him.

(602): View more from Arizona

In my experience drinking helps.

(480): View more from Arizona

You dont want to know why?

(602): View more from Arizona

Not really. I want to drink.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is

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(847): View more from Illinois

In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her

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(518): View more from New York

hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(574): View more from Indiana

there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.

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(210): View more from Texas

Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute

(1-210): View more from Texas

Hello cirrhosis

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(972): View more from Texas

the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.

(214): View more from Texas

elevator sex. pronto.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable

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(408): View more from California

I miss the smell of you or some shit.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."

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(903): View more from Texas

EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT

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(516): View more from New York

You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.

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(425): View more from Washington

I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.

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(404): View more from Georgia

It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.

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(917): View more from New York City

Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single

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(559): View more from California

The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.

(410): View more from Maryland

Sounds like a normal friday night

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(317): View more from Indiana

So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it

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(706): View more from Georgia

It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.

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(614): View more from Ohio

It's never too late to be topless.

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(406): View more from Montana

you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"

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(443): View more from Maryland

you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.

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(513): View more from Ohio

We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend

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(206): View more from Washington

My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

Thanks, mom.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other

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(957): View more from

I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.

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(404): View more from Georgia

You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together

(770): View more from Georgia

The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy

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(618): View more from Illinois

This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.

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(512): View more from Texas

Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.

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(708): View more from Illinois

My lips are sealed. Both pairs.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.

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(214): View more from Texas

Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.

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(970): View more from Colorado

You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.

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(630): View more from Illinois

It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.

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(904): View more from Florida

Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth

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(816): View more from Missouri

He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...

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(850): View more from Florida

It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"

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(910): View more from North Carolina

The strip club called, they have your shoe.

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(805): View more from California

Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown

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(512): View more from Texas

did you find a tooth?

(254): View more from Texas

did you lose one?

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(206): View more from Washington

you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway

(925): View more from California

I hate that you know that from experience

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(315): View more from New York

What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?

(414): View more from Wisconsin

Its 11 o'clock somewhere

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(847): View more from Illinois

There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"

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(815): View more from Illinois

Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.

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(305): View more from Florida

It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children

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(044): View more from

I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

We welcome drunken adversity.

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

With open legs.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places

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(816): View more from Missouri

It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.

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(404): View more from Georgia

This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.

(864): View more from South Carolina

And I meant every ounce of it.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.

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(907): View more from Alaska

He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.

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(954): View more from Florida

I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets

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(813): View more from Florida

Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor

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(217): View more from Illinois

who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.

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(661): View more from California

1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.

(1-661): View more from California

1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up

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(575): View more from New Mexico

you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.

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(716): View more from New York

i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls

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(213): View more from California

your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.

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(904): View more from Florida

Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?

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(313): View more from Michigan

In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.

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(903): View more from Texas

I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass

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(970): View more from Colorado

Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY

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(519): View more from Ontario

It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?

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(907): View more from Alaska

I've ID'd the nipple biter.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7

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(989): View more from Michigan

Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.

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(440): View more from Ohio

WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!

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(225): View more from Louisiana

all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...

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(949): View more from California

it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable

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(831): View more from California

Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.

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(940): View more from Texas

Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.

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(513): View more from Ohio

He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.

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(740): View more from Ohio

his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis

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(708): View more from Illinois

if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again

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(810): View more from Michigan

I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.

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(914): View more from New York

say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?

(312): View more from Illinois

I get to be your mom.

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(440): View more from Ohio

My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.

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(540): View more from Virginia

You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."

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(216): View more from Ohio

he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.

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(443): View more from Maryland

booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again

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(270): View more from Kentucky

The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".

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(315): View more from New York

He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question

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(859): View more from Kentucky

In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.

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(727): View more from Florida

Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?

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(206): View more from Washington

I think I have vodka in my lungs

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.

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(360): View more from Washington

True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?

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(773): View more from Illinois

His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning

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(513): View more from Ohio

Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me

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(913): View more from Kansas

They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.

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(903): View more from Texas

I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks

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(330): View more from Ohio

Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.

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(801): View more from Utah

He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.

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(972): View more from Texas

he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.

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(406): View more from Montana

Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.

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(325): View more from Texas

Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???

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(630): View more from Illinois

you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.

(201): View more from New Jersey

I am both scared and jealous.

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(386): View more from Florida

its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.

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(917): View more from New York City

Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

he quoted the bible to break up with me

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(+61): View more from Australia

THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.

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(404): View more from Georgia

FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.

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(815): View more from Illinois

my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was

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(802): View more from Vermont

i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.

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(301): View more from Maryland

My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.

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(239): View more from Florida

Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.

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(207): View more from Maine

how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This is sufficient.

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(216): View more from Ohio

thus making me awesome and them whores

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(619): View more from California

Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much

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(406): View more from Montana

I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"

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(239): View more from Florida

In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"

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(740): View more from Ohio

he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life

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(231): View more from Michigan

Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.

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(303): View more from Colorado

im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working

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(217): View more from Illinois

Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..

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(970): View more from Colorado

I feel like my teeth are sweating.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.

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(360): View more from Washington

you inspire me to be a worse person

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts

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(228): View more from Mississippi

There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars

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(402): View more from Nebraska

There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.

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(954): View more from Florida

malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!

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(315): View more from New York

My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?

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(314): View more from Missouri

I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment

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(815): View more from Illinois

I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance

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(310): View more from California

She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy

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(917): View more from New York City

I just found a bag of teeth...

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(360): View more from Washington

Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.

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(801): View more from Utah

First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.

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(443): View more from Maryland

she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.

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(903): View more from Texas

She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".

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(803): View more from South Carolina

He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

professor came back from spring break missing a tooth

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(864): View more from South Carolina

he tried to breastfeed my turtle

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(662): View more from Mississippi

In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"

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(319): View more from Iowa

We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.

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(519): View more from Ontario

She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has

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(678): View more from Georgia

This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.

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(571): View more from Virginia

non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.

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(410): View more from Maryland

what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!

(1-410): View more from Maryland

the part where you beat me to him

(410): View more from Maryland

fair enough.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.

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(310): View more from California

Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England

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(440): View more from Ohio

i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"

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(845): View more from New York

no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.

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(219): View more from Indiana

i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....

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(204): View more from Manitoba

There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.

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(310): View more from California

Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs

(310): View more from California

Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.

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(443): View more from Maryland

THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.

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(708): View more from Illinois

So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?

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(515): View more from Iowa

Even my vagina gasped.

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(818): View more from California

Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.

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(520): View more from Arizona

She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math

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(217): View more from Illinois

This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number

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(775): View more from Nevada

How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy

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(248): View more from Michigan

i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.

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(845): View more from New York

He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet

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(203): View more from Connecticut

then he tried to convert me to islam

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'

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(231): View more from Michigan

the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people

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(609): View more from New Jersey

he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.

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(510): View more from California

no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...

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(+27): View more from South Africa

we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end

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(785): View more from Kansas

he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing

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(216): View more from Ohio

what is it with giant penises always finding me

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(734): View more from Michigan

Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..

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(240): View more from Maryland

i think i left a case of beer in your dryer

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(613): View more from Ontario

you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels

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(913): View more from Kansas

You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.

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(714): View more from California

I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.

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(281): View more from Texas

seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout

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(716): View more from New York

im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis

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(678): View more from Georgia

Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(712): View more from Iowa

I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night

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(513): View more from Ohio

i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"

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(502): View more from Kentucky

everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person

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(858): View more from California

the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares

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(630): View more from Illinois

He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It's a beautiful day for a hangover

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(407): View more from Florida

What's he like?

(954): View more from Florida

The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?

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(503): View more from Oregon

Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.

(360): View more from Washington

I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.

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(207): View more from Maine

do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?

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(623): View more from Arizona

If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope

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(210): View more from Texas

drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend

(1-210): View more from Texas

I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.

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(705): View more from Ontario

All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.

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(956): View more from Texas

found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.

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(509): View more from Washington

i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it

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(260): View more from Indiana

just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.

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(404): View more from Georgia

She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny

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(989): View more from Michigan

It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way

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(250): View more from British Columbia

tequila makes me forget i have legs

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...

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(250): View more from British Columbia

By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower

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(250): View more from British Columbia

there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.

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(458): View more from Oregon

I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.

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(641): View more from Iowa

TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY

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(740): View more from Ohio

Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!

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(510): View more from California

listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.

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(941): View more from Florida

its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.

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(317): View more from Indiana

He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

(1-317): View more from Indiana

He's the fucking cop whisperer.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.

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(616): View more from Michigan

they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.

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(253): View more from Washington

No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions

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(513): View more from Ohio

Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....

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(941): View more from Florida

I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.

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(251): View more from Alabama

I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.

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(702): View more from Nevada

You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy

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(248): View more from Michigan

Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.

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(727): View more from Florida

there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him

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(612): View more from Minnesota

These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Howd you meet this guy?

(612): View more from Minnesota

I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.

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(239): View more from Florida

gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.

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(630): View more from Illinois

But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them

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(517): View more from Michigan

Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.

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(530): View more from California

She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!

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(404): View more from Georgia

you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.

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(408): View more from California

4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.

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(757): View more from Virginia

It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"

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(443): View more from Maryland

I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.

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(913): View more from Kansas

come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.

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(770): View more from Georgia

How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden

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(518): View more from New York

College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.

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(915): View more from Texas

Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?

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(330): View more from Ohio

Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?

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(240): View more from Maryland

Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?

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(314): View more from Missouri

It'll be just me and my penis against the world.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.

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(716): View more from New York

i think that dennys waitress has my boxers

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.

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(512): View more from Texas

$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick

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(406): View more from Montana

he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten

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(804): View more from Virginia

I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker

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(541): View more from Oregon

Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.

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(631): View more from New York

I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me

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(734): View more from Michigan

It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free

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(319): View more from Iowa

Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level

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(303): View more from Colorado

she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone

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(804): View more from Virginia

At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.

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(281): View more from Texas

I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.

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(360): View more from Washington

Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me

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(310): View more from California

Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?

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(816): View more from Missouri

and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.

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(310): View more from California

only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man

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(248): View more from Michigan

after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.

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(630): View more from Illinois

i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.

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(562): View more from California

Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?

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(678): View more from Georgia

I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.

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(209): View more from California

he laminated a picture of his dick.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.

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(574): View more from Indiana

im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(914): View more from New York

my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.

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(443): View more from Maryland

we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice

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(404): View more from Georgia

we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?

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(310): View more from California

He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone

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(661): View more from California

Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.

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(512): View more from Texas

Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.

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(317): View more from Indiana

you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...

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(816): View more from Missouri

critical mistake not lubing the nipples

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.

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(914): View more from New York

something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..

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(206): View more from Washington

Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?

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(207): View more from Maine

Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.

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(303): View more from Colorado

dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.

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(850): View more from Florida

she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."

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(573): View more from Missouri

On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.

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(636): View more from Missouri

i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend

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(707): View more from California

I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet

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(303): View more from Colorado

I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away

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(716): View more from New York

come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!

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(812): View more from Indiana

according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you

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(732): View more from New Jersey

his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.

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(562): View more from California

I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.

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(810): View more from Michigan

maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.

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(903): View more from Texas

He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.

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(260): View more from Indiana

you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you

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(204): View more from Manitoba

at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.

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(801): View more from Utah

I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you

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(208): View more from Idaho

She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".

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(818): View more from California

...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.

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(972): View more from Texas

The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions

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(228): View more from Mississippi

He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.

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(904): View more from Florida

I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.

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(802): View more from Vermont

she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.

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(303): View more from Colorado

The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened

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(914): View more from New York

im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj

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(406): View more from Montana

i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.

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(619): View more from California

Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

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(928): View more from Arizona

She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.

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(303): View more from Colorado

you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.

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(770): View more from Georgia

That's cool how's he been?

(404): View more from Georgia

He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.

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(941): View more from Florida

sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate

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(407): View more from Florida

He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.

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(216): View more from Ohio

This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.

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(519): View more from Ontario

you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.

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(305): View more from Florida

We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.

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(513): View more from Ohio

New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.

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(914): View more from New York

this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.

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(240): View more from Maryland

We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..

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(417): View more from Missouri

Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.

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(512): View more from Texas

Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping

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(352): View more from Florida

Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?

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(317): View more from Indiana

Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?

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(312): View more from Illinois

...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.

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(720): View more from Colorado

the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis

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(720): View more from Colorado

I think I can smell my own vagina right now

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(408): View more from California

hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)

(650): View more from California

nah, i'm gonna grab some food

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(914): View more from New York

right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"

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(713): View more from Texas

Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty

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(914): View more from New York

i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.

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(786): View more from Florida

i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"

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(404): View more from Georgia

I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.

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(813): View more from Florida

peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week

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(614): View more from Ohio

i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.

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(619): View more from California

He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.

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(847): View more from Illinois

just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".

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(314): View more from Missouri

doooooooo herrrrrrrrr

(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm out of practice. be my yoda

(314): View more from Missouri

put your penis in her you must.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.

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(360): View more from Washington

there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am

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(818): View more from California

At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.

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(760): View more from California

genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex

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(240): View more from Maryland

just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five

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(661): View more from California

I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.

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(618): View more from Illinois

My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.

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(516): View more from New York

Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.

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(253): View more from Washington

thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now

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(336): View more from North Carolina

They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.

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(248): View more from Michigan

That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.

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(815): View more from Illinois

He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.

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(562): View more from California

she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night

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(231): View more from Michigan

I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence

(415): View more from California

shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms

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(443): View more from Maryland

Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.

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(951): View more from California

apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.

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(256): View more from Alabama

do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!

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(703): View more from Virginia

yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.

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(650): View more from California

OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick

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(512): View more from Texas

He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.

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(937): View more from Ohio

talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far

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(530): View more from California

The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.

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(516): View more from New York

i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.

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(415): View more from California

It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

If i need to get strippers involved i will.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"

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(415): View more from California

Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted

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(708): View more from Illinois

He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.

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(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.

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(415): View more from California

Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?

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(810): View more from Michigan

GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade

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(602): View more from Arizona

Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.

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(253): View more from Washington

is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?

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(407): View more from Florida

I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??

(713): View more from Texas

Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

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(850): View more from Florida

so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".

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(330): View more from Ohio

Used tampon in my purse. That from you?

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(410): View more from Maryland

She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.

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(616): View more from Michigan

They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar

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(612): View more from Minnesota

maybe i'll see you again later :)

(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'd rather shit a knife.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.

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(863): View more from Florida

I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..

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(815): View more from Illinois

Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.

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(514): View more from Quebec

What happened to chicks over dicks?

(1-514): View more from Quebec

That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..

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(585): View more from New York

with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.

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(804): View more from Virginia

He likes Jesus. Game over.

(804): View more from Virginia

Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.

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(727): View more from Florida

I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(519): View more from Ontario

What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...

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(941): View more from Florida

there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.

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(315): View more from New York

I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad

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(303): View more from Colorado

They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.

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(212): View more from New York

He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall

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(516): View more from New York

I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?

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(315): View more from New York

I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.

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(518): View more from New York

You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops

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(714): View more from California

I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious

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(706): View more from Georgia

They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods

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(360): View more from Washington

Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN

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(303): View more from Colorado

One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.

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(804): View more from Virginia

IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT

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(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

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(240): View more from Maryland

Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

(732): View more from New Jersey

like it was yesterday

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(214): View more from Texas

You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed

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(315): View more from New York

MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!

(315): View more from New York

AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!

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(+06): View more from

We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.

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(314): View more from Missouri

We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.

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(330): View more from Ohio

he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.

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(954): View more from Florida

Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.

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(917): View more from New York City

I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.

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(305): View more from Florida

I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.

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(443): View more from Maryland

We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.

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(708): View more from Illinois

sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful

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(386): View more from Florida

It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.

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(708): View more from Illinois

She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

I'm in awe of how selfish that is.

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(951): View more from California

All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.

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(917): View more from New York City

He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.

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(503): View more from Oregon

The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal

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(612): View more from Minnesota

This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.

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(404): View more from Georgia

You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."

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(757): View more from Virginia

it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again

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(614): View more from Ohio

can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?

(740): View more from Ohio

bitches.

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(518): View more from New York

WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!

(315): View more from New York

... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...

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(518): View more from New York

i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm half single.

(773): View more from Illinois

Please tell me it's the bottom half.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex

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(616): View more from Michigan

Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.

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(541): View more from Oregon

She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us

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(513): View more from Ohio

the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside

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(802): View more from Vermont

my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???

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(212): View more from New York

Your dad touched me again.

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(206): View more from Washington

I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole

(425): View more from Washington

There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian

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(281): View more from Texas

I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.

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(443): View more from Maryland

and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit

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(804): View more from Virginia

she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight

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(365): View more from

Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine

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(516): View more from New York

Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice

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(305): View more from Florida

nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now

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(+48): View more from Poland

there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover

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(760): View more from California

Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

bring money and cleavage

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(937): View more from Ohio

you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.

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(269): View more from Michigan

So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(630): View more from Illinois

Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.

(217): View more from Illinois

Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.

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(310): View more from California

Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.

(310): View more from California

Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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(703): View more from Virginia

She's allergic to latex.

(678): View more from Georgia

Lucky bastard.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.

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(815): View more from Illinois

i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.

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(313): View more from Michigan

So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.

(732): View more from New Jersey

Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.

(862): View more from New Jersey

yet...

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(816): View more from Missouri

she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

There is too much vodka and too much dick.

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(512): View more from Texas

I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...

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(765): View more from Indiana

So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."

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(845): View more from New York

it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we

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(518): View more from New York

he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.

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(516): View more from New York

The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...

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(206): View more from Washington

Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Why is your signature on my underwear?

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(775): View more from Nevada

I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...

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(207): View more from Maine

My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense

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(314): View more from Missouri

Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad

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(815): View more from Illinois

There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.

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(917): View more from New York City

I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.

(410): View more from Maryland

engineering majors are such efficient drunks.

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(206): View more from Washington

He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.

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(660): View more from Missouri

THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.

(816): View more from Missouri

..So we should take it off Youtube?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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(334): View more from Alabama

God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.

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(347): View more from New York

I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.

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(254): View more from Texas

that's what penises do

(254): View more from Texas

they tell lies.

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(347): View more from New York

sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me

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(585): View more from New York

Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?

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(650): View more from California

we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed

(505): View more from New Mexico

god you guys know how to party

(650): View more from California

worst. bachelorette party. ever.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.

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(317): View more from Indiana

she was licking his armpits.

(317): View more from Indiana

asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.

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(989): View more from Michigan

i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I want you more than these girls want KFC

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...

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(727): View more from Florida

I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.

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(240): View more from Maryland

boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

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(313): View more from Michigan

my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly

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(714): View more from California

i perioded on his leg

(714): View more from California

on. his. leg.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.

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(540): View more from Virginia

birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex

(703): View more from Virginia

I'm on my period, period, period

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(310): View more from California

Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho

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(972): View more from Texas

Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?

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(631): View more from New York

My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud

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(619): View more from California

We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.

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(560): View more from

I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?

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(314): View more from Missouri

he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"

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(571): View more from Virginia

Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..

(703): View more from Virginia

this can't be going anywhere good

(571): View more from Virginia

nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\

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(619): View more from California

just caught grandpa beating off in the living room

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(805): View more from California

a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot

(818): View more from California

god is laughing at you again

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(325): View more from Texas

suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea

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(530): View more from California

I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water

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(480): View more from Arizona

Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

told you he was gay.

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(206): View more from Washington

He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look

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(425): View more from Washington

I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month

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(517): View more from Michigan

this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her

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(970): View more from Colorado

ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness

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