Texts From Last Night · dt2009's Favorites

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dt2009's Favorites Texts:

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(845): View more from New York

There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.

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(212): View more from New York

My penis is lonely

(202): View more from Washington, DC

So is my ring finger

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(586): View more from Michigan

Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.

(810): View more from Michigan

I hate you so hard.

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(813): View more from Florida

Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.

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(817): View more from Texas

I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!

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(+63): View more from

I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!

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(716): View more from New York

I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.

(1-716): View more from New York

I'm fine with that

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(443): View more from Maryland

My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.

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(310): View more from California

I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!

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(602): View more from Arizona

Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.

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(435): View more from Utah

Sex in the moonbounce later?

(801): View more from Utah

This is why I love you.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.

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(212): View more from New York

Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight

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(646): View more from New York

classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable

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(712): View more from Iowa

I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.

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(248): View more from Michigan

He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."

(1-704): View more from North Carolina

was his pinky out?

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(512): View more from Texas

So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?

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(618): View more from Illinois

When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"

(1-618): View more from Illinois

As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!

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(303): View more from Colorado

You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness

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(424): View more from California

My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?

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(386): View more from Florida

well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING

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(716): View more from New York

banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up

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(802): View more from Vermont

I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?

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(850): View more from Florida

Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.

(240): View more from Maryland

Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.

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(602): View more from Arizona

My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this

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(520): View more from Arizona

my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl

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(303): View more from Colorado

We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool

(1-303): View more from Colorado

We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern

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(850): View more from Florida

Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings

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(845): View more from New York

Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.

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(607): View more from New York

Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(734): View more from Michigan

I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(516): View more from New York

im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

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(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(619): View more from California

You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you

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(314): View more from Missouri

We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often

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(312): View more from Illinois

But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?

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(660): View more from Missouri

How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?

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(513): View more from Ohio

I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.

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(760): View more from California

Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out

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(740): View more from Ohio

We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?

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(970): View more from Colorado

my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day

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(810): View more from Michigan

I will find, mount, and marry that person.

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(417): View more from Missouri

How was jagerbomb pong?

(314): View more from Missouri

It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice

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(240): View more from Maryland

Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup

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(310): View more from California

You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.

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(925): View more from California

Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.

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(407): View more from Florida

Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?

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(313): View more from Michigan

Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information

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(913): View more from Kansas

You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"

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(734): View more from Michigan

Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?

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(904): View more from Florida

He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore

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(443): View more from Maryland

Two words: blizzard sex

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(626): View more from California

we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night

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(971): View more from Oregon

In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped

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(303): View more from Colorado

Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO

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(302): View more from Delaware

Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning

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(585): View more from New York

You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.

(407): View more from Florida

Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?

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(815): View more from Illinois

he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.

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(613): View more from Ontario

do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?

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(317): View more from Indiana

He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.

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(330): View more from Ohio

There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.

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(624): View more from

That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...

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(325): View more from Texas

I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.

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(456): View more from

It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today

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(609): View more from New Jersey

At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance

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(716): View more from New York

I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college

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(495): View more from

you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation

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(678): View more from Georgia

By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.

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(253): View more from Washington

The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen

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(216): View more from Ohio

I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.

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(216): View more from Ohio

If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!

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(303): View more from Colorado

I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..

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(479): View more from Arkansas

He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..

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(219): View more from Indiana

Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.

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(513): View more from Ohio

conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis

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(224): View more from Illinois

I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?

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(406): View more from Montana

Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.

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(812): View more from Indiana

He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.

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(540): View more from Virginia

My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.

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(845): View more from New York

My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"

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(916): View more from California

I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back

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(248): View more from Michigan

idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.

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(518): View more from New York

If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.

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(970): View more from Colorado

It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...

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(714): View more from California

We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship

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(323): View more from California

She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."

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(240): View more from Maryland

Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil

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(587): View more from Alberta

The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am

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(205): View more from Alabama

Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on

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(616): View more from Michigan

My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here

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(785): View more from Kansas

You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again

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(443): View more from Maryland

We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great

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(212): View more from New York

He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious

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(336): View more from North Carolina

" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."

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(727): View more from Florida

I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser

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(973): View more from New Jersey

We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."

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(434): View more from Virginia

do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer

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(651): View more from Minnesota

He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.

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(480): View more from Arizona

please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head

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(949): View more from California

And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."

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(864): View more from South Carolina

The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl

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(303): View more from Colorado

He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs

(720): View more from Colorado

Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment

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(502): View more from Kentucky

When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"

(248): View more from Michigan

You should've introduced yourself

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING

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(905): View more from Ontario

I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.

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(650): View more from California

Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.

(415): View more from California

Retirement sounds fun.

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(819): View more from Quebec

I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."

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(706): View more from Georgia

Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.

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(858): View more from California

Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...

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(541): View more from Oregon

Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.

(541): View more from Oregon

It's been productive.

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(561): View more from Florida

We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.

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(970): View more from Colorado

He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.

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(707): View more from California

We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.

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(678): View more from Georgia

If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.

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(512): View more from Texas

I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.

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(212): View more from New York

I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in

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(841): View more from

He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.

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(315): View more from New York

We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.

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(302): View more from Delaware

you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."

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(901): View more from Tennessee

He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers

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(904): View more from Florida

GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.

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(440): View more from Ohio

You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.

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(360): View more from Washington

No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!

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(630): View more from Illinois

He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.

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(914): View more from New York

I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK

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(323): View more from California

Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk

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(707): View more from California

You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"

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(407): View more from Florida

someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths

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(216): View more from Ohio

I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!

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(760): View more from California

Mom just told me I need to start having sex.

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(903): View more from Texas

Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.

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(281): View more from Texas

she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock

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(512): View more from Texas

Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.

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(407): View more from Florida

He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me

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(707): View more from California

Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.

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(671): View more from Guam

I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same

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(765): View more from Indiana

If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely

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(804): View more from Virginia

That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want

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(954): View more from Florida

"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind

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(707): View more from California

Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.

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(208): View more from Idaho

We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call

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(728): View more from

and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'

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(276): View more from Virginia

I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic

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(505): View more from New Mexico

After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life

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(614): View more from Ohio

Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.

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(951): View more from California

My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?

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(509): View more from Washington

In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...

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(315): View more from New York

He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.

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(407): View more from Florida

I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.

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(207): View more from Maine

Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.

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(212): View more from New York

He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.

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(361): View more from Texas

You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me

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(623): View more from Arizona

It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol

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(443): View more from Maryland

Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl

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(425): View more from Washington

So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep

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(310): View more from California

Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist

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(443): View more from Maryland

The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.

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(940): View more from Texas

On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket

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(254): View more from Texas

We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)

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(234): View more from Ohio

I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window

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(404): View more from Georgia

It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.

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(903): View more from Texas

The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent

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(941): View more from Florida

I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

someone just got arrested on campus...

(908): View more from New Jersey

holy fuck look at all that cocaine

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once

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(805): View more from California

The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s

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(906): View more from Michigan

I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it

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(703): View more from Virginia

MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT

(912): View more from Georgia

WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

where will you be at 9:30 tonight?

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

piledriving you in your roommate's bed?

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(775): View more from Nevada

Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!

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(602): View more from Arizona

I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.

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(416): View more from Toronto

No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower

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(919): View more from North Carolina

if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?

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(847): View more from Illinois

As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you

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(607): View more from New York

His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B

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(574): View more from Indiana

I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.

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(727): View more from Florida

Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.

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(727): View more from Florida

I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it

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(216): View more from Ohio

I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!

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(360): View more from Washington

I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?

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(720): View more from Colorado

To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.

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(323): View more from California

I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is

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(970): View more from Colorado

Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.

(336): View more from North Carolina

THAT'S MY GIRL

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(586): View more from Michigan

Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.

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(714): View more from California

He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.

(1-714): View more from California

That is my stoner wet dream!

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(704): View more from North Carolina

My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.

(716): View more from New York

The apple don't fall far from that tree.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls

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(602): View more from Arizona

So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.

(505): View more from New Mexico

The most literal cowgirl position ever.

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(207): View more from Maine

Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?

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(334): View more from Alabama

He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated

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(206): View more from Washington

I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.

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(949): View more from California

"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.

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(904): View more from Florida

You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.

(860): View more from Connecticut

I am not dying my bush blue.

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(281): View more from Texas

Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.

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(805): View more from California

Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one

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(404): View more from Georgia

I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.

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(425): View more from Washington

I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"

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(432): View more from Texas

Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.

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(209): View more from California

Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Didn't you used to babysit him?

(607): View more from New York

18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.

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(425): View more from Washington

I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."

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(516): View more from New York

I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home

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(586): View more from Michigan

She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me

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(613): View more from Ontario

Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too

(613): View more from Ontario

This was before halftime

(613): View more from Ontario

I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME

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(303): View more from Colorado

Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.

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(314): View more from Missouri

The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.

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(848): View more from New Jersey

Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!

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(543): View more from

So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?

(256): View more from Alabama

Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.

(543): View more from

You are an idiot.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels

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(+61): View more from Australia

i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs

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(207): View more from Maine

I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?

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(410): View more from Maryland

I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.

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(425): View more from Washington

Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.

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(317): View more from Indiana

My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.

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(818): View more from California

The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.

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(713): View more from Texas

I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"

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(716): View more from New York

Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning

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(214): View more from Texas

Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.

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(425): View more from Washington

He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard

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(315): View more from New York

she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.

(240): View more from Maryland

That's going to be the title of my memoir.

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(407): View more from Florida

This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.

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(852): View more from

Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.

(852): View more from

Never judge a man by his mustache.

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(404): View more from Georgia

All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.

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(914): View more from New York

I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals

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(757): View more from Virginia

I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."

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(804): View more from Virginia

You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.

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(710): View more from

my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...

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(716): View more from New York

We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.

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(586): View more from Michigan

You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.

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(714): View more from California

Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.

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(623): View more from Arizona

There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus

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(770): View more from Georgia

Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.

(865): View more from Tennessee

How do you even...

(770): View more from Georgia

The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.

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(586): View more from Michigan

What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.

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(407): View more from Florida

If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store

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(330): View more from Ohio

It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!

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(734): View more from Michigan

You get 5 min

(586): View more from Michigan

Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it

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(315): View more from New York

i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely

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(415): View more from California

nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar

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(707): View more from California

Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid

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(519): View more from Ontario

Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!

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(719): View more from Colorado

I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

Sex is clearly the solution either way.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.

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(716): View more from New York

Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride

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(503): View more from Oregon

But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"

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(801): View more from Utah

I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player

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(250): View more from British Columbia

you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.

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(616): View more from Michigan

with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)

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(305): View more from Florida

I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could

(1306): View more from

well, that escalated quicky

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(518): View more from New York

I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping

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(330): View more from Ohio

Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!

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(908): View more from New Jersey

A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend

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(613): View more from Ontario

How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?

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(703): View more from Virginia

there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.

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(219): View more from Indiana

the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice

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(502): View more from Kentucky

So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys

(703): View more from Virginia

That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard

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(330): View more from Ohio

Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...

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(408): View more from California

What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point

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(423): View more from Tennessee

There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant

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(212): View more from New York

Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?

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(716): View more from New York

As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home

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(512): View more from Texas

I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....

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(722): View more from

It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush

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(248): View more from Michigan

Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.

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(206): View more from Washington

currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too

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(253): View more from Washington

Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.

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(905): View more from Ontario

downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour

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(763): View more from Minnesota

you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work

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(705): View more from Ontario

It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.

(705): View more from Ontario

Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.

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(206): View more from Washington

No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.

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(914): View more from New York

So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!

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(423): View more from Tennessee

So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.

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(916): View more from California

She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.

(510): View more from California

See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed

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(989): View more from Michigan

Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.

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(707): View more from California

I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.

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(360): View more from Washington

You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...

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(501): View more from Arkansas

We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy

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(212): View more from New York

It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo

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(317): View more from Indiana

& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley

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(802): View more from Vermont

New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills

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(803): View more from South Carolina

By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.

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(406): View more from Montana

My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.

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(+45): View more from Denmark

Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!

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(716): View more from New York

I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.

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(469): View more from Texas

He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.

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(407): View more from Florida

The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.

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(310): View more from California

Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.

(310): View more from California

But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.

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(360): View more from Washington

I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.

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(630): View more from Illinois

and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?

(630): View more from Illinois

only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here

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(323): View more from California

I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.

(1-757): View more from Virginia

…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car

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(440): View more from Ohio

he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.

(440): View more from Ohio

he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.

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(229): View more from Georgia

For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.

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(613): View more from Ontario

He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....

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(631): View more from New York

I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck

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(540): View more from Virginia

The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.

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(212): View more from New York

He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?

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(630): View more from Illinois

The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?

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(936): View more from Texas

There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE

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(212): View more from New York

No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.

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(954): View more from Florida

I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year

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(320): View more from Minnesota

For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie

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(714): View more from California

I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication

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(404): View more from Georgia

How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of

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(313): View more from Michigan

"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"

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(678): View more from Georgia

Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.

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(315): View more from New York

Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.

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(773): View more from Illinois

my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.

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(425): View more from Washington

How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE

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(440): View more from Ohio

being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(801): View more from Utah

WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?

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(443): View more from Maryland

You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.

(802): View more from Vermont

Campus is too small for this to keep happening

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.

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(850): View more from Florida

I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?

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(623): View more from Arizona

Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(407): View more from Florida

We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard

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(518): View more from New York

I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate

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(740): View more from Ohio

I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?

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(404): View more from Georgia

A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.

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(316): View more from Kansas

You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.

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(586): View more from Michigan

You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.

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(315): View more from New York

i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex

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(315): View more from New York

i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters

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(315): View more from New York

she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war

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(318): View more from Louisiana

she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb

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(416): View more from Toronto

what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie

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(248): View more from Michigan

Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?

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(416): View more from Toronto

He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.

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(281): View more from Texas

This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.

(575): View more from New Mexico

Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest

(937): View more from Ohio

That happened during battle shots lol

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(817): View more from Texas

I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"

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(214): View more from Texas

If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.

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(773): View more from Illinois

In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month

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(281): View more from Texas

He told me how it ended, then I blew him.

(303): View more from Colorado

So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??

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(250): View more from British Columbia

He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?

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(801): View more from Utah

I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.

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(914): View more from New York

If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

i can only hope to be on your level one day.

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(813): View more from Florida

The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.

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(240): View more from Maryland

This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.

(1-240): View more from Maryland

You've ruined popcorn for me.

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(661): View more from California

He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.

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(541): View more from Oregon

the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control

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(315): View more from New York

we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?

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(719): View more from Colorado

My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.

(505): View more from New Mexico

By piano you mean.....

(719): View more from Colorado

Like literally a piano.

(505): View more from New Mexico

Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.

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(281): View more from Texas

So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?

(602): View more from Arizona

Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.

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(425): View more from Washington

So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"

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(804): View more from Virginia

Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.

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(360): View more from Washington

That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.

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(515): View more from Iowa

We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.

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(863): View more from Florida

I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.

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(316): View more from Kansas

If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?

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(720): View more from Colorado

Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me

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(404): View more from Georgia

Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke

(678): View more from Georgia

Fly high, Fly.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"

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(254): View more from Texas

I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"

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(650): View more from California

And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.

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(702): View more from Nevada

He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?

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(573): View more from Missouri

So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.

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(360): View more from Washington

Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success

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(458): View more from Oregon

And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.

(458): View more from Oregon

Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.

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(727): View more from Florida

I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes

(937): View more from Ohio

Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.

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(305): View more from Florida

No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?

(1-541): View more from Oregon

I was just power-washing my vagina.

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(951): View more from California

I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him

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(417): View more from Missouri

See! Theres potential!

(1-417): View more from Missouri

Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.

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(817): View more from Texas

No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex

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(586): View more from Michigan

Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.

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(541): View more from Oregon

His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.

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(713): View more from Texas

Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music

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(563): View more from Iowa

I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder

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(778): View more from British Columbia

And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.

(604): View more from British Columbia

I go down on you because abs

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"

(571): View more from Virginia

why not an indie porn pic then

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.

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(409): View more from Texas

Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.

(281): View more from Texas

You're a hero.

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(631): View more from New York

Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.

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(407): View more from Florida

I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?

(612): View more from Minnesota

WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?

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(714): View more from California

GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!

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(360): View more from Washington

Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.

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(519): View more from Ontario

It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.

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(469): View more from Texas

I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.

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(813): View more from Florida

She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.

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(469): View more from Texas

His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.

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(713): View more from Texas

He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.

(713): View more from Texas

They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.

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(714): View more from California

I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.

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(616): View more from Michigan

do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?

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(317): View more from Indiana

He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans

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(816): View more from Missouri

It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update

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(+61): View more from Australia

I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.

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(317): View more from Indiana

it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.

(1-317): View more from Indiana

On my way

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.

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(727): View more from Florida

He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*

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(301): View more from Maryland

I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo

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(727): View more from Florida

She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me

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(503): View more from Oregon

For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"

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(907): View more from Alaska

You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.

(312): View more from Illinois

It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?

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(207): View more from Maine

I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u

(815): View more from Illinois

U act like I can cum on command

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(208): View more from Idaho

He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.

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(818): View more from California

I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.

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(727): View more from Florida

His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.

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(315): View more from New York

Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail

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(925): View more from California

You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!

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(587): View more from Alberta

Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy

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(817): View more from Texas

Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?

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(727): View more from Florida

Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.

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(714): View more from California

Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.

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(850): View more from Florida

so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!

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(407): View more from Florida

We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum

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(785): View more from Kansas

This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating

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(402): View more from Nebraska

No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.

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(360): View more from Washington

A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.

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(207): View more from Maine

But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th

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(269): View more from Michigan

When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.

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(281): View more from Texas

Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.

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(805): View more from California

Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...

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(620): View more from Kansas

Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?

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(614): View more from Ohio

Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.

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(925): View more from California

After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head

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(314): View more from Missouri

The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.

(816): View more from Missouri

Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'

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(729): View more from

Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.

(810): View more from Michigan

family traditions my good sir

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?

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(585): View more from New York

Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life

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(813): View more from Florida

I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.

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(469): View more from Texas

He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...

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(613): View more from Ontario

He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.

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(316): View more from Kansas

He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......

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(586): View more from Michigan

I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet

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(775): View more from Nevada

Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.

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(443): View more from Maryland

My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it

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(248): View more from Michigan

sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.

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(613): View more from Ontario

That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.

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(325): View more from Texas

I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours

(325): View more from Texas

Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house

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(314): View more from Missouri

I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high

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(720): View more from Colorado

Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.

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(727): View more from Florida

I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame

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(503): View more from Oregon

Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?

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(941): View more from Florida

She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.

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(562): View more from California

So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch

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(415): View more from California

If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.

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(217): View more from Illinois

List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close

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(551): View more from New Jersey

My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie

(1-551): View more from New Jersey

You've got post-grad studies written all over you

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!

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(661): View more from California

TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!

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(480): View more from Arizona

He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.

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(805): View more from California

It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs

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(702): View more from Nevada

You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.

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(406): View more from Montana

Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"

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(903): View more from Texas

I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Pedi-lyte stocked

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(314): View more from Missouri

Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night

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(507): View more from Minnesota

So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles

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(804): View more from Virginia

the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds

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(602): View more from Arizona

I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.

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(727): View more from Florida

We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.

(1-727): View more from Florida

I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.

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(518): View more from New York

Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.

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(917): View more from New York City

He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too

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(937): View more from Ohio

I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.

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(206): View more from Washington

His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward

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(44): View more from United Kingdom

Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.

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(541): View more from Oregon

What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?

(503): View more from Oregon

3some

(541): View more from Oregon

You're right, stupid question.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you

(580): View more from Oklahoma

Really.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook

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(662): View more from Mississippi

They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.

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(951): View more from California

I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal

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(201): View more from New Jersey

somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"

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(551): View more from New Jersey

She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does

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(251): View more from Alabama

As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.

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(817): View more from Texas

They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.

(214): View more from Texas

Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.

(817): View more from Texas

You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?

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(478): View more from Georgia

I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.

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(937): View more from Ohio

after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.

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(801): View more from Utah

He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

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(330): View more from Ohio

She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!

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(618): View more from Illinois

We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.

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(914): View more from New York

Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS

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(585): View more from New York

i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?

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(614): View more from Ohio

We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.

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(760): View more from California

He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing

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(319): View more from Iowa

you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met

(1-319): View more from Iowa

thanks it was an honor just to be nominated

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(404): View more from Georgia

she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.

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(807): View more from Ontario

yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great

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(216): View more from Ohio

ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.

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(404): View more from Georgia

She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"

(678): View more from Georgia

So... What happend then?

(404): View more from Georgia

We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"

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(661): View more from California

His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger

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(734): View more from Michigan

So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.

(810): View more from Michigan

You're 20.

(734): View more from Michigan

IT'S BUILD A BEAR!

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(407): View more from Florida

he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse

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(260): View more from Indiana

Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed

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(760): View more from California

Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?

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(913): View more from Kansas

sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list

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(661): View more from California

It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.

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(773): View more from Illinois

My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

didn't stop?

(773): View more from Illinois

naw, they were rude, not me.

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(561): View more from Florida

I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.

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(305): View more from Florida

I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.

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(914): View more from New York

She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...

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(250): View more from British Columbia

If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.

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(206): View more from Washington

Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.

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(540): View more from Virginia

hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.

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(630): View more from Illinois

We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds

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(925): View more from California

2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.

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(562): View more from California

If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up

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(207): View more from Maine

Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said

(770): View more from Georgia

she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to

(404): View more from Georgia

You KNEW her power was out...

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(812): View more from Indiana

When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.

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(916): View more from California

Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms

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(410): View more from Maryland

she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur

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(703): View more from Virginia

She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis

(1-703): View more from Virginia

Every man deserves at least one moment like that

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator

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(613): View more from Ontario

I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.

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(310): View more from California

Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)

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(913): View more from Kansas

just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could

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(240): View more from Maryland

this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.

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(631): View more from New York

He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.

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(315): View more from New York

She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?

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(850): View more from Florida

By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever

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(813): View more from Florida

yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing

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(614): View more from Ohio

yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

and what did he say?

(614): View more from Ohio

there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.

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(850): View more from Florida

Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.

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(410): View more from Maryland

He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

True romance of the 21st century.

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(812): View more from Indiana

She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.

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(916): View more from California

He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Ask politely.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats good enough.

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(310): View more from California

i fucked a milf yesterday.

(619): View more from California

i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

we just fucked in the mcds parking lot

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

wasnt he a virgin

(732): View more from New Jersey

yes we got celebratory milkshakes after

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

And that worked?

(919): View more from North Carolina

9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.

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(248): View more from Michigan

she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.

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(727): View more from Florida

i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.

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(914): View more from New York

she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"

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(605): View more from South Dakota

We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.

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(226): View more from Ontario

This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon

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(571): View more from Virginia

non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.

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(310): View more from California

so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?

(818): View more from California

by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ

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(434): View more from Virginia

There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.

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(954): View more from Florida

I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.

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(718): View more from New York

what happened last night?

(917): View more from New York City

u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style

(718): View more from New York

that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

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(831): View more from California

she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?

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(708): View more from Illinois

so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.

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(509): View more from Washington

She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after

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(503): View more from Oregon

My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.

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(206): View more from Washington

I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.

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(334): View more from Alabama

This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

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(310): View more from California

and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity

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(917): View more from New York City

so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center

(1-917): View more from New York City

you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth

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(445): View more from Pennsylvania

We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.

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(772): View more from Florida

He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina

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(707): View more from California

My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."

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(407): View more from Florida

It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.

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(904): View more from Florida

When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"

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(720): View more from Colorado

I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.

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(916): View more from California

my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?

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(310): View more from California

While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?

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(903): View more from Texas

omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.

(1-931): View more from Tennessee

Wtf? What happened?

(931): View more from Tennessee

Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.

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(850): View more from Florida

Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!

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(732): View more from New Jersey

he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.

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(703): View more from Virginia

As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

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(954): View more from Florida

woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student

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(812): View more from Indiana

The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?

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(845): View more from New York

I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"

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(845): View more from New York

She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".

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(813): View more from Florida

I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.

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(905): View more from Toronto

Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..

(1-905): View more from Toronto

With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

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(949): View more from California

just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."

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(248): View more from Michigan

Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(248): View more from Michigan

Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?

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(916): View more from California

So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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(720): View more from Colorado

She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.

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(954): View more from Florida

I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza

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(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina

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(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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(630): View more from Illinois

My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.

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(562): View more from California

omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(301): View more from Maryland

I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.

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(716): View more from New York

I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.

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(516): View more from New York

my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

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(661): View more from California

the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS

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(541): View more from Oregon

No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.

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(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(847): View more from Illinois

so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(704): View more from North Carolina

You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.

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(631): View more from New York

he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader

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(807): View more from Ontario

We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.

(864): View more from South Carolina

I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days

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(904): View more from Florida

Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.

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(646): View more from New York

I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea

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(518): View more from New York

That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.

(315): View more from New York

Who is this?!????

(518): View more from New York

That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!

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(954): View more from Florida

Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?

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(541): View more from Oregon

He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.

(541): View more from Oregon

Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.

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(805): View more from California

The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.

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(719): View more from Colorado

My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.

(1-719): View more from Colorado

Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!

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(317): View more from Indiana

He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.

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(812): View more from Indiana

He said he wanted to "superfuck" me

(678): View more from Georgia

Does he wear a cape??

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(765): View more from Indiana

i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out

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(607): View more from New York

The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table

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(208): View more from Idaho

I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I like the wholesome side of you

(571): View more from Virginia

I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.

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(773): View more from Illinois

He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.

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(519): View more from Ontario

People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.

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(425): View more from Washington

I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.

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(719): View more from Colorado

The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.

(719): View more from Colorado

This has been a Party Success Story

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.

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(+47): View more from Norway

You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me

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(916): View more from California

My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"

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(416): View more from Toronto

arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?

(647): View more from Ontario

Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.

(1-740): View more from Ohio

How does this kind of shit happen to you?!

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(619): View more from California

We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.

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(514): View more from Quebec

It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary

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(240): View more from Maryland

I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.

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(514): View more from Quebec

He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit

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(704): View more from North Carolina

"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...

(860): View more from Connecticut

Tuesday

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(765): View more from Indiana

Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me

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(706): View more from Georgia

He could stay over, if you'd just ask.

(912): View more from Georgia

Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"

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(760): View more from California

He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.

(619): View more from California

he what???

(760): View more from California

Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.

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(503): View more from Oregon

So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.

(503): View more from Oregon

He asked if he could come over tomorrow....

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(551): View more from New Jersey

No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.

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(631): View more from New York

He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.

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(630): View more from Illinois

All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun

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(512): View more from Texas

I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!

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(613): View more from Ontario

Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?

(1-715): View more from Wisconsin

Probably

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(631): View more from New York

Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.

(1-631): View more from New York

I love your life.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.

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(352): View more from Florida

He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.

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(206): View more from Washington

Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?

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(319): View more from Iowa

I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.

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(845): View more from New York

Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit

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(604): View more from British Columbia

So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.

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(415): View more from California

I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station

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(703): View more from Virginia

I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do

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(914): View more from New York

How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?

(770): View more from Georgia

Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.

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(210): View more from Texas

He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon

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(707): View more from California

Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!

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(518): View more from New York

I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.

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(315): View more from New York

Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?

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(313): View more from Michigan

its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?

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(914): View more from New York

If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.

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(647): View more from Ontario

so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me

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(260): View more from Indiana

Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina

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(914): View more from New York

Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off

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(914): View more from New York

Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.

(1-985): View more from Louisiana

Do I have a choice?

(985): View more from Louisiana

I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.

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(714): View more from California

he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now

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(757): View more from Virginia

I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.

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(585): View more from New York

remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that

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(209): View more from California

Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions

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(519): View more from Ontario

Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.

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(720): View more from Colorado

my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.

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(210): View more from Texas

the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.

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(706): View more from Georgia

He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.

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(904): View more from Florida

I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded

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(630): View more from Illinois

They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...

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(765): View more from Indiana

Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun

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(416): View more from Toronto

I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did she buy you pizza?

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(623): View more from Arizona

Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.

(1-623): View more from Arizona

That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me

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(708): View more from Illinois

just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..

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(512): View more from Texas

I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.

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(607): View more from New York

The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.

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(916): View more from California

No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.

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(719): View more from Colorado

the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.

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(330): View more from Ohio

My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions

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(714): View more from California

Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.

(1-714): View more from California

This is why we're friends.

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(940): View more from Texas

She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.

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(586): View more from Michigan

My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar

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(218): View more from Minnesota

You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.

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(770): View more from Georgia

All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week

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(503): View more from Oregon

I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.

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(206): View more from Washington

She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient

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(604): View more from British Columbia

he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo

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(408): View more from California

After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.

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(315): View more from New York

I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes

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(916): View more from California

WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt

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(607): View more from New York

I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

(315): View more from New York

Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you

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(618): View more from Illinois

She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed

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(620): View more from Kansas

Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.

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(757): View more from Virginia

So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.

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(914): View more from New York

Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?

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(509): View more from Washington

he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.

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(518): View more from New York

I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.

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(415): View more from California

She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.

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(214): View more from Texas

Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?

(281): View more from Texas

If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!

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(303): View more from Colorado

So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."

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(757): View more from Virginia

Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.

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(714): View more from California

I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.

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(516): View more from New York

He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?

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(760): View more from California

But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy

(530): View more from California

I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast

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(641): View more from Iowa

You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.

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(716): View more from New York

The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.

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(703): View more from Virginia

No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.

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(214): View more from Texas

Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.

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(516): View more from New York

So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence

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(630): View more from Illinois

I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.

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(571): View more from Virginia

Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.

(571): View more from Virginia

just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom

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(604): View more from British Columbia

You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".

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(331): View more from Illinois

My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.

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(801): View more from Utah

walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.

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(207): View more from Maine

I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....

(617): View more from Massachusetts

This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.

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(541): View more from Oregon

THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS

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(512): View more from Texas

No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.

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(619): View more from California

How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?

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(512): View more from Texas

I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."

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(905): View more from Ontario

you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"

(414): View more from Wisconsin

I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome

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(949): View more from California

One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is

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(941): View more from Florida

He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.

(434): View more from Virginia

Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.

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(614): View more from Ohio

This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!

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(314): View more from Missouri

you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.

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(716): View more from New York

I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.

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(812): View more from Indiana

After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Her idea of kinky involved a tazer

(850): View more from Florida

wtf?

(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm going back tonight

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(705): View more from Ontario

I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.

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(813): View more from Florida

EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?

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(519): View more from Ontario

No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.

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(516): View more from New York

I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS

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(507): View more from Minnesota

he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?

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(314): View more from Missouri

I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE

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(916): View more from California

New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.

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(817): View more from Texas

I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.

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(925): View more from California

All I want is tacobeell and your body

(1-925): View more from California

that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.

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(812): View more from Indiana

You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch

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(770): View more from Georgia

i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69

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(718): View more from New York

Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides

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(540): View more from Virginia

Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.

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(801): View more from Utah

When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?

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(509): View more from Washington

Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.

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(248): View more from Michigan

My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge

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(407): View more from Florida

And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."

(407): View more from Florida

That's called being sensitive.

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(443): View more from Maryland

His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.

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(+36): View more from

until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.

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(310): View more from California

I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*

(310): View more from California

Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids

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(785): View more from Kansas

She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I feel awful

(1-513): View more from Ohio

Physically or morally

(513): View more from Ohio

Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.

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(646): View more from New York

I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."

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(812): View more from Indiana

Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.

(765): View more from Indiana

yay hump day

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.

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(+49): View more from Germany

we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!

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(601): View more from Mississippi

She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.

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(420): View more from

I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me

(973): View more from New Jersey

that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.

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(419): View more from Ohio

They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..

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(606): View more from Kentucky

after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.

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(903): View more from Texas

He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding

(541): View more from Oregon

Can I have him when you're done?

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...

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(404): View more from Georgia

Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.

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(818): View more from California

You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.

(805): View more from California

Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!

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(425): View more from Washington

so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick

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(408): View more from California

sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.

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(559): View more from California

And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"

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(303): View more from Colorado

We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.

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(916): View more from California

Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash

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(248): View more from Michigan

Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.

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(757): View more from Virginia

She fuckin peed on me

(817): View more from Texas

Stay golden ponyboy

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(425): View more from Washington

One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?

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(812): View more from Indiana

Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food

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(905): View more from Ontario

Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?

(208): View more from Idaho

Beautiful, beautiful reality

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(841): View more from

That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.

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(641): View more from Iowa

So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?

(563): View more from Iowa

1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World

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(907): View more from Alaska

Threesome in a minivan. New low

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.

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(281): View more from Texas

I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.

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(513): View more from Ohio

This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo

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(360): View more from Washington

sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.

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(540): View more from Virginia

The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?

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(432): View more from Texas

I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.

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(707): View more from California

They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.

(705): View more from Ontario

I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people

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(320): View more from Minnesota

He won't sleep with me again until I commit...

(1-320): View more from Minnesota

Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...

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(815): View more from Illinois

You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.

(1-815): View more from Illinois

Best Friends For Life.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.

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(310): View more from California

When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."

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(907): View more from Alaska

Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room

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(217): View more from Illinois

Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out

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(573): View more from Missouri

welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list

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(330): View more from Ohio

Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?

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(851): View more from

Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.

(522): View more from

Don't break up.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.

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(214): View more from Texas

If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.

(1-334): View more from Alabama

Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!

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(314): View more from Missouri

You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.

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(619): View more from California

I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.

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(330): View more from Ohio

he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..

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(301): View more from Maryland

His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.

(1-301): View more from Maryland

I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.

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(917): View more from New York City

when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.

(917): View more from New York City

Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.

(347): View more from New York

he is a god among men.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

At least you have booty calls.

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog

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(706): View more from Georgia

On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.

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(407): View more from Florida

She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy

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(562): View more from California

WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?

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(703): View more from Virginia

I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.

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(765): View more from Indiana

is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.

(507): View more from Minnesota

Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.

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(631): View more from New York

On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world

(1-631): View more from New York

It's like a tribute to you being a slut

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(212): View more from New York

I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.

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(646): View more from New York

This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie

(347): View more from New York

It's not

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(631): View more from New York

Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.

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(607): View more from New York

To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend

(1-775): View more from Nevada

I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman

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(213): View more from California

Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??

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(630): View more from Illinois

The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.

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(305): View more from Florida

New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'

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(813): View more from Florida

Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.

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(714): View more from California

im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.

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(941): View more from Florida

We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great

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(917): View more from New York City

I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.

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(515): View more from Iowa

he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.

(1-515): View more from Iowa

and you said he wasn't worth calling.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.

(604): View more from British Columbia

I DIDNT GET FINGERED

(604): View more from British Columbia

I was rubbed

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(408): View more from California

Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?

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(770): View more from Georgia

If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?

(910): View more from North Carolina

That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?

(770): View more from Georgia

Touche.

(910): View more from North Carolina

I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?

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(801): View more from Utah

I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...

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(517): View more from Michigan

Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.

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(419): View more from Ohio

He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure

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(847): View more from Illinois

Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.

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(571): View more from Virginia

you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again

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(941): View more from Florida

Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.

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(760): View more from California

And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist

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(541): View more from Oregon

Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.

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(740): View more from Ohio

As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.

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(661): View more from California

He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT

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(432): View more from Texas

This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.

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(207): View more from Maine

Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?

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(302): View more from Delaware

I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.

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(818): View more from California

He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.

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(646): View more from New York

if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

You should probably take note of that and make it happen.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities

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(847): View more from Illinois

First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk

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(519): View more from Ontario

Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?

(289): View more from Ontario

You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.

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(716): View more from New York

just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.

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(914): View more from New York

They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?

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(812): View more from Indiana

Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.

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(254): View more from Texas

I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him

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(773): View more from Illinois

in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.

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(646): View more from New York

How was the rest of your night?

(917): View more from New York City

A little fuzzy and a lot naked.

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(207): View more from Maine

We are hot boxing the gondola

(607): View more from New York

I hate everything.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.

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(850): View more from Florida

He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life

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(973): View more from New Jersey

How did you even find out?

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."

(973): View more from New Jersey

Oh.

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(925): View more from California

We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

That's thinking positively..

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(206): View more from Washington

LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?

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(407): View more from Florida

you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.

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(614): View more from Ohio

2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.

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(309): View more from Illinois

We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.

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(708): View more from Illinois

is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro

(773): View more from Illinois

yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.

(708): View more from Illinois

how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?

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(334): View more from Alabama

It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.

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(716): View more from New York

Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?

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(419): View more from Ohio

I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.

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(303): View more from Colorado

How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?

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(816): View more from Missouri

You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.

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(818): View more from California

Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

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(870): View more from Arkansas

he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"

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(804): View more from Virginia

Parents weekend was a success.

(973): View more from New Jersey

Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...

(804): View more from Virginia

Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.

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(845): View more from New York

officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.

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(858): View more from California

No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.

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(210): View more from Texas

Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...

(1+44): View more from

That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh

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(217): View more from Illinois

Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?

(217): View more from Illinois

Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate

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(540): View more from Virginia

i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.

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(209): View more from California

Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year

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(850): View more from Florida

I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day

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(703): View more from Virginia

The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.

(703): View more from Virginia

The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.

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(937): View more from Ohio

You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable

(1-937): View more from Ohio

I can do at least one of those things.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.

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(806): View more from Texas

Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.

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(530): View more from California

It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.

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(847): View more from Illinois

All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.

(773): View more from Illinois

that bad?

(847): View more from Illinois

u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.

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(903): View more from Texas

Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?

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(305): View more from Florida

Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?

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(513): View more from Ohio

Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?

(505): View more from New Mexico

yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.

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(574): View more from Indiana

I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.

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(712): View more from Iowa

You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.

(712): View more from Iowa

On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.

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(408): View more from California

I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.

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(540): View more from Virginia

hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?

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(509): View more from Washington

i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron

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(815): View more from Illinois

Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave

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(515): View more from Iowa

Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time

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(216): View more from Ohio

Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.

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(917): View more from New York City

I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.

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(209): View more from California

Show him your tits if he says no

(1-209): View more from California

They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.

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(410): View more from Maryland

If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina

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(360): View more from Washington

I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang

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(423): View more from Tennessee

You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.

(423): View more from Tennessee

strike, motherfucker.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Is there a law against that?

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning

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(912): View more from Georgia

Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)

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(313): View more from Michigan

Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day

(617): View more from Massachusetts

How about a mike?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Already had two of those

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(248): View more from Michigan

They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?

(501): View more from Arkansas

Go back and try to find another to go home with.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.

(1-757): View more from Virginia

I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.

(904): View more from Florida

So when does your new flight leave?

(734): View more from Michigan

At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying

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(425): View more from Washington

It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.

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(845): View more from New York

Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way

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(804): View more from Virginia

I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.

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(916): View more from California

Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.

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(812): View more from Indiana

It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.

(224): View more from Illinois

Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.

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(770): View more from Georgia

After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.

(1-313): View more from Michigan

Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.

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(480): View more from Arizona

its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore

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(602): View more from Arizona

I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?

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(209): View more from California

Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something

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(310): View more from California

Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face

(310): View more from California

On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist

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(815): View more from Illinois

thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place

(402): View more from Nebraska

This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded

(402): View more from Nebraska

Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood

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(519): View more from Ontario

It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.

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(207): View more from Maine

There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.

(847): View more from Illinois

Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)

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(727): View more from Florida

Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.

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(716): View more from New York

As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."

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(619): View more from California

After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%

(405): View more from Oklahoma

And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.

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(206): View more from Washington

Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)

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(647): View more from Ontario

Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sorry. Im on my way.

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(585): View more from New York

ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.

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(254): View more from Texas

There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator

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(859): View more from Kentucky

i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex

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(919): View more from North Carolina

she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game

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(248): View more from Michigan

My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.

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(770): View more from Georgia

you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.

(678): View more from Georgia

THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house

(713): View more from Texas

So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?

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(641): View more from Iowa

Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone

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(847): View more from Illinois

The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?

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(303): View more from Colorado

His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?

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(340): View more from US Virgin Islands

I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"

(732): View more from New Jersey

Career choice validated

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(530): View more from California

the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible

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(850): View more from Florida

hungover and i feel like a burrito

(1-850): View more from Florida

like eating one or like you are one?

(850): View more from Florida

like i am one.

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(936): View more from Texas

To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

yeah you don't forget that shit easily

(651): View more from Minnesota

We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.

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(914): View more from New York

I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.

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(443): View more from Maryland

There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.

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(925): View more from California

We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.

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(817): View more from Texas

Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.

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(661): View more from California

There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.

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(210): View more from Texas

Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"

(575): View more from New Mexico

Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.

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(+61): View more from Australia

i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?

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(917): View more from New York City

He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply

(1-414): View more from Wisconsin

I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday

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(773): View more from Illinois

We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below

(773): View more from Illinois

When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"

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(440): View more from Ohio

She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.

(216): View more from Ohio

Whoa, you know how to pick em.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?

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(631): View more from New York

The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.

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(812): View more from Indiana

that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level

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(208): View more from Idaho

booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Well... this vagina won't eat itself

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina

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(845): View more from New York

if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party

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(325): View more from Texas

3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.

(910): View more from North Carolina

Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..

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(509): View more from Washington

walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.

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(251): View more from Alabama

I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.

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(207): View more from Maine

remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.

(720): View more from Colorado

Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?

(303): View more from Colorado

my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are

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(519): View more from Ontario

My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"

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(602): View more from Arizona

As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.

(208): View more from Idaho

I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.

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(989): View more from Michigan

i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.

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(903): View more from Texas

This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.

(254): View more from Texas

Jealous?

(903): View more from Texas

Very.

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(509): View more from Washington

Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

(802): View more from Vermont

So basically you were a dog.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.

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(702): View more from Nevada

As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar

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(859): View more from Kentucky

You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy

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(651): View more from Minnesota

raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win

(608): View more from Wisconsin

lets go back to having secrets in our friendship

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(419): View more from Ohio

having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...

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(+61): View more from Australia

she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.

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(619): View more from California

Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.

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(807): View more from Ontario

If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.

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(805): View more from California

You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.

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(443): View more from Maryland

i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!

(410): View more from Maryland

dude. im stealing that.

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(442): View more from California

While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.

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(440): View more from Ohio

The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying

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(810): View more from Michigan

You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.

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(360): View more from Washington

Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.

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(903): View more from Texas

Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.

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(512): View more from Texas

That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.

(210): View more from Texas

It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?

(512): View more from Texas

Is your card paying for my plan b?

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(614): View more from Ohio

making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...

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(979): View more from Texas

For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.

(512): View more from Texas

You. Win. At. Life.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.

(270): View more from Kentucky

No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.

(618): View more from Illinois

Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."

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(859): View more from Kentucky

in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"

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(707): View more from California

admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.

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(740): View more from Ohio

besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?

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(317): View more from Indiana

on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase

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(530): View more from California

I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.

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(813): View more from Florida

$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.

(319): View more from Iowa

Thanks bro

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(914): View more from New York

Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.

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(619): View more from California

I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.

(1-619): View more from California

Very innocently.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.

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(512): View more from Texas

He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."

(401): View more from Rhode Island

I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room

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(716): View more from New York

Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet

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(843): View more from South Carolina

My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.

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(765): View more from Indiana

A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.

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