Texts From Last Night · krazy816's Favorites

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krazy816's Favorites Texts:

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(616): View more from Michigan

if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore

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(314): View more from Missouri

Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now

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(218): View more from Minnesota

my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.

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(716): View more from New York

So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.

(1-716): View more from New York

Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I have a surprise for you guys

(937): View more from Ohio

What is it?

(740): View more from Ohio

A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS

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(979): View more from Texas

Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.

(512): View more from Texas

That would explain all the random shit in my room...

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

We are the best.

(250): View more from British Columbia

Ps. We need to take the garbage out.

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(310): View more from California

Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.

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(917): View more from New York City

Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.

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(925): View more from California

You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.

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(720): View more from Colorado

ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.

(1-720): View more from Colorado

Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.

(720): View more from Colorado

I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.

(720): View more from Colorado

I rest my case.

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(714): View more from California

Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.

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(818): View more from California

the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand

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(925): View more from California

she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat

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(805): View more from California

I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore

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(845): View more from New York

Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single

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(513): View more from Ohio

hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"

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(563): View more from Iowa

The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.

(1-563): View more from Iowa

I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.

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(760): View more from California

I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.

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(574): View more from Indiana

Whiskey??

(706): View more from Georgia

It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.

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(989): View more from Michigan

He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.

(1-989): View more from Michigan

I'll uninvite my mom

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(214): View more from Texas

Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus

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(209): View more from California

Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)

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(650): View more from California

There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Did he at least offer you guys chips?

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(858): View more from California

I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...

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(954): View more from Florida

And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live

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(407): View more from Florida

We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?

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(347): View more from New York

maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life

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(270): View more from Kentucky

him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.

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(516): View more from New York

She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...

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(319): View more from Iowa

WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER

(1-319): View more from Iowa

THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL

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(317): View more from Indiana

When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay

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(334): View more from Alabama

We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.

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(850): View more from Florida

She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING

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(765): View more from Indiana

That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.

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(425): View more from Washington

Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.

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(785): View more from Kansas

They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea

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(231): View more from Michigan

FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today

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(561): View more from Florida

She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.

(315): View more from New York

How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??

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(720): View more from Colorado

Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.

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(251): View more from Alabama

How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.

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(830): View more from Texas

I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?

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(631): View more from New York

I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.

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(585): View more from New York

N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.

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(813): View more from Florida

People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?

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(541): View more from Oregon

You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!

(503): View more from Oregon

... That's a shower caddy.

(541): View more from Oregon

I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!

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(631): View more from New York

She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...

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(850): View more from Florida

I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.

(239): View more from Florida

that is the opposite of a normal text message.

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(702): View more from Nevada

By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set

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(310): View more from California

I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me

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(317): View more from Indiana

It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...

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(616): View more from Michigan

I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!

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(212): View more from New York

I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday

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(512): View more from Texas

Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.

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(438): View more from Quebec

Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!

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(719): View more from Colorado

There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.

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(512): View more from Texas

Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.

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(813): View more from Florida

I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here

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(609): View more from New Jersey

if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...

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(360): View more from Washington

He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.

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(330): View more from Ohio

This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.

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(325): View more from Texas

I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.

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(410): View more from Maryland

What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.

(1-828): View more from North Carolina

..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.

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(850): View more from Florida

Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.

(1-850): View more from Florida

Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.

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(408): View more from California

tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????

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(951): View more from California

He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".

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(229): View more from Georgia

Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!

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(479): View more from Arkansas

That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?

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(904): View more from Florida

I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Alls I remember is making out with that chick.

(612): View more from Minnesota

Nope that was a dude

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(513): View more from Ohio

Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad

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(647): View more from Ontario

You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen

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(816): View more from Missouri

I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die

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(646): View more from New York

Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom

(347): View more from New York

I can't even drink.

(646): View more from New York

The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.

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(956): View more from Texas

WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

Who in tha hell do u hang out with?

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(731): View more from Tennessee

She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro

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(815): View more from Illinois

i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.

(1-815): View more from Illinois

you need to get laid.. and an oil change.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility

(910): View more from North Carolina

well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...

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(231): View more from Michigan

Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.

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(415): View more from California

Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.

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(407): View more from Florida

Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.

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(305): View more from Florida

I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".

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(314): View more from Missouri

Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?

(1-419): View more from Ohio

Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm pregnant.

(1-407): View more from Florida

The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???

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(636): View more from Missouri

If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies

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(224): View more from Illinois

This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.

(309): View more from Illinois

Too low?

(224): View more from Illinois

Yes.

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(347): View more from New York

the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.

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(907): View more from Alaska

This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.

(785): View more from Kansas

When were you at my house?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

sleazy september. first one with mono loses.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.

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(269): View more from Michigan

when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high

(808): View more from Hawaii

worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

nevermind....I'm on the way

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(330): View more from Ohio

It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.

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(618): View more from Illinois

College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.

(1-618): View more from Illinois

This is true but you can't really get fired from college

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(907): View more from Alaska

Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo

(410): View more from Maryland

Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?

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(678): View more from Georgia

Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?

(404): View more from Georgia

Things like this can't be explained over text man

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(303): View more from Colorado

So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher

(312): View more from Illinois

And maybe a life coach?

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(630): View more from Illinois

At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?

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(313): View more from Michigan

No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.

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(847): View more from Illinois

So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.

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(544): View more from

I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.

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(614): View more from Ohio

This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!

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(240): View more from Maryland

Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.

(434): View more from Virginia

Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.

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(631): View more from New York

Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?

(516): View more from New York

lol... you weighed it?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"

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(847): View more from Illinois

Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Do you want cuervo gold or silver?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.

(1-701): View more from North Dakota

Jesus, are you hammered?

(701): View more from North Dakota

Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.

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(707): View more from California

is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??

(408): View more from California

your beer goggles are on backwards.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."

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(248): View more from Michigan

My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge

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(317): View more from Indiana

I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.

(513): View more from Ohio

I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

are you high?

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(760): View more from California

Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?

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(801): View more from Utah

You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.

(1-801): View more from Utah

There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.

(801): View more from Utah

alright see you in the morning.

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(804): View more from Virginia

have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with

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(505): View more from New Mexico

so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment

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(916): View more from California

Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you found the shrooms didnt you

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(231): View more from Michigan

Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.

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(706): View more from Georgia

On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.

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(281): View more from Texas

Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church

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(206): View more from Washington

What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?

(425): View more from Washington

Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.

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(714): View more from California

im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.

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(269): View more from Michigan

i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently

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(631): View more from New York

Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace

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(404): View more from Georgia

FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night

(1-404): View more from Georgia

haha good one..how did you even know?

(404): View more from Georgia

we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.

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(212): View more from New York

btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years

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(507): View more from Minnesota

you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.

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(310): View more from California

I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.

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(330): View more from Ohio

After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I think I sprained my soul last night

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(816): View more from Missouri

We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.

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(712): View more from Iowa

That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"

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(586): View more from Michigan

you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer

(1-586): View more from Michigan

Ok let me change into clothes i can run in

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(079): View more from

I think we need to take a brake

(078): View more from

What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'

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(260): View more from Indiana

just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Why are you ignoring all of my texts?

(1-765): View more from Indiana

The power was out.

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(210): View more from Texas

I just want to hang out with her.

(916): View more from California

You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.

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(706): View more from Georgia

don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex

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(435): View more from Utah

For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~

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(772): View more from Florida

You're fine

(585): View more from New York

I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.

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(229): View more from Georgia

Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.

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(407): View more from Florida

I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much

(352): View more from Florida

Like they're going to fly away?

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(509): View more from Washington

Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish

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(623): View more from Arizona

Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."

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(917): View more from New York City

every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.

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(739): View more from

The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?

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(206): View more from Washington

Gong!

(1-253): View more from Washington

YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"

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(812): View more from Indiana

Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.

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(432): View more from Texas

I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.

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(850): View more from Florida

You drinking a lot?

(1-850): View more from Florida

No.

(1-850): View more from Florida

Define a lot

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.

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(214): View more from Texas

probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time

(972): View more from Texas

i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"

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(573): View more from Missouri

I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...

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(519): View more from Ontario

Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.

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(817): View more from Texas

Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.

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(917): View more from New York City

Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?

(212): View more from New York

Vagina

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(704): View more from North Carolina

She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.

(1-704): View more from North Carolina

I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.

(704): View more from North Carolina

Dude, you are the most awesome.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog

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(860): View more from Connecticut

This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

(802): View more from Vermont

So basically you were a dog.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

you are both the best and worst wingman ever.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"

(732): View more from New Jersey

Career choice validated

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(304): View more from West Virginia

my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh

(513): View more from Ohio

is this your pickup line?

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(415): View more from California

There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.

(415): View more from California

No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans

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(815): View more from Illinois

thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.

(1-312): View more from Illinois

None of that is ok.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy

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(206): View more from Washington

Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.

(1-206): View more from Washington

Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?

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(503): View more from Oregon

when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on

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(510): View more from California

I'm trying to make a sex playlist

(916): View more from California

record yourself crying and put it on a loop.

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(805): View more from California

An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.

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(310): View more from California

Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb

(209): View more from California

it's ELEVEN

(310): View more from California

thirty

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(707): View more from California

She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store

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(941): View more from Florida

Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...

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(937): View more from Ohio

They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.

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(510): View more from California

dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?

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(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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(530): View more from California

I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.

(1-530): View more from California

fuck. you.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,

(679): View more from Michigan

I wanted to be a dolphin.

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(847): View more from Illinois

You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(516): View more from New York

im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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(415): View more from California

the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.

(517): View more from Michigan

We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by

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(317): View more from Indiana

I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?

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(907): View more from Alaska

Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.

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(972): View more from Texas

You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"

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(514): View more from Quebec

i'm home, then i'll come over

(1-514): View more from Quebec

ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa

(514): View more from Quebec

nvm.

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(647): View more from Ontario

all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

(905): View more from Ontario

You're fat. Stop making excuses

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(646): View more from New York

congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism

(917): View more from New York City

cool. same. I'm in class drinking

(646): View more from New York

NOT OKAY

(917): View more from New York City

sorry for partying

(646): View more from New York

THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS

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(503): View more from Oregon

You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...

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(556): View more from

Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard

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(713): View more from Texas

I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?

(408): View more from California

JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.

(920): View more from Wisconsin

Tell me you're kidding.

(414): View more from Wisconsin

Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.

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(212): View more from New York

This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.

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(415): View more from California

I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...

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(305): View more from Florida

Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.

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(360): View more from Washington

Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck

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(607): View more from New York

you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?

(325): View more from Texas

Jail. That could go wrong.

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(208): View more from Idaho

You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?

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(914): View more from New York

Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class

(1-914): View more from New York

that is WHY your in summer classes

(914): View more from New York

worth it

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

followup question: what if both somones were me?

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(971): View more from Oregon

I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity

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(520): View more from Arizona

Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals

(480): View more from Arizona

Are you high and at a petting zoo again?

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(805): View more from California

You are such a cockblock sometimes

(661): View more from California

You NEED a cockblock sometimes

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(916): View more from California

In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?

(1-916): View more from California

Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.

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(559): View more from California

there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays

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(626): View more from California

I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.

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(360): View more from Washington

it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing

(206): View more from Washington

and semen

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(269): View more from Michigan

Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?

(313): View more from Michigan

death...100% death...what r u planning.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue

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(519): View more from Ontario

we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning

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(360): View more from Washington

if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked

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(708): View more from Illinois

For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?

(773): View more from Illinois

To be honest, kinda.

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(925): View more from California

370HSSV 0773H read that upside down

(1-925): View more from California

what are you doing with your life

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.

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(214): View more from Texas

Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake

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(248): View more from Michigan

Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.

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(319): View more from Iowa

i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself

(612): View more from Minnesota

It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...

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(509): View more from Washington

Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.

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(540): View more from Virginia

i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall

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(319): View more from Iowa

Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...

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(859): View more from Kentucky

This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?

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(314): View more from Missouri

For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?

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(509): View more from Washington

Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.

(406): View more from Montana

Hospital.

(509): View more from Washington

I am invincible.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Pussy?

(586): View more from Michigan

how

(248): View more from Michigan

Wat do u mean how?

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(801): View more from Utah

I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?

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(440): View more from Ohio

we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.

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(806): View more from Texas

He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.

(1-806): View more from Texas

I feel like you never had a virginity..

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(903): View more from Texas

EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT

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(714): View more from California

For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on

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(206): View more from Washington

I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table

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(540): View more from Virginia

it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

"bouncy castle"

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(530): View more from California

How is Miami?

(954): View more from Florida

Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln

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(304): View more from West Virginia

hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy

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(949): View more from California

Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.

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(512): View more from Texas

we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too

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(928): View more from Arizona

I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!

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(613): View more from Ontario

Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Vomiting outside the employee entrance

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown

(303): View more from Colorado

I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(812): View more from Indiana

This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.

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(512): View more from Texas

Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.

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(518): View more from New York

its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.

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(574): View more from Indiana

My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.

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(760): View more from California

when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Anal astronaut?

(847): View more from Illinois

Wow word travels fast.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion

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(559): View more from California

So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?

(1-559): View more from California

That depends on who this is.

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(957): View more from

I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where the hell are you

(706): View more from Georgia

He's winning.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

Thanks, mom.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?

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(517): View more from Michigan

Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....

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(631): View more from New York

I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating

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(850): View more from Florida

Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.

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(214): View more from Texas

Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.

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(989): View more from Michigan

we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...

(1-937): View more from Ohio

I see you've learned your lesson.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.

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(206): View more from Washington

She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?

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(214): View more from Texas

Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation

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(212): View more from New York

i want you now

(916): View more from California

you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

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(602): View more from Arizona

Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?

(602): View more from Arizona

no jk, not my room

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(708): View more from Illinois

just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride

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(810): View more from Michigan

It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.

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(631): View more from New York

can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished

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(573): View more from Missouri

You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.

(816): View more from Missouri

Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.

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(716): View more from New York

I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?

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(614): View more from Ohio

I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.

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(513): View more from Ohio

both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.

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(904): View more from Florida

btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets

(1-904): View more from Florida

i wish i had your life

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.

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(804): View more from Virginia

don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you

(1-804): View more from Virginia

couldn't find a condom?

(804): View more from Virginia

basically

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(757): View more from Virginia

Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.

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(217): View more from Illinois

she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work

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(734): View more from Michigan

I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.

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(512): View more from Texas

The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon

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(517): View more from Michigan

She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...

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(351): View more from Massachusetts

the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.

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(361): View more from Texas

After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.

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(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

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(530): View more from California

My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.

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(802): View more from Vermont

She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.

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(281): View more from Texas

WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.

(513): View more from Ohio

I stole a bike. Here's a pic

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.

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(785): View more from Kansas

It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.

(417): View more from Missouri

I can't feel my brain.

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(312): View more from Illinois

i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it

(917): View more from New York City

the suitcase or the dildo?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

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(812): View more from Indiana

theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Chicken burrito, or no deal.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

Is that code for my vagina?

(402): View more from Nebraska

Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito

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(805): View more from California

I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.

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(214): View more from Texas

Maybe I should forgo underwear.

(314): View more from Missouri

This is a family BBQ no?

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(214): View more from Texas

The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it

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(773): View more from Illinois

oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag

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(248): View more from Michigan

fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!

(1-248): View more from Michigan

What does that mean?

(248): View more from Michigan

How when the cu k dos I yet u

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Focus

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(716): View more from New York

People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz

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(248): View more from Michigan

@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu

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(801): View more from Utah

The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance

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(519): View more from Ontario

my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.

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(773): View more from Illinois

why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?

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(347): View more from New York

Leave Me Alone

(573): View more from Missouri

At least least me cry on your voice mail

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(908): View more from New Jersey

The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.

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(509): View more from Washington

after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery

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(714): View more from California

It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends

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(810): View more from Michigan

dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'

(810): View more from Michigan

needless to say i wont be back home tonight

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.

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(661): View more from California

1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.

(1-661): View more from California

1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up

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(406): View more from Montana

She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME

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(734): View more from Michigan

I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.

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(513): View more from Ohio

All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...

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(505): View more from New Mexico

My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

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(409): View more from Texas

The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.

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(707): View more from California

We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.

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(626): View more from California

and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22

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(480): View more from Arizona

I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground

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(586): View more from Michigan

If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?

(313): View more from Michigan

YES

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(512): View more from Texas

3.50 mugs at the bar.

(1-512): View more from Texas

Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.

(512): View more from Texas

How ugly, and does she have friends?

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

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(973): View more from New Jersey

gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.

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(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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(720): View more from Colorado

the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis

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(281): View more from Texas

She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out

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(480): View more from Arizona

Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.

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(801): View more from Utah

He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.

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(613): View more from Ontario

You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one

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(541): View more from Oregon

I heard you threw up in your lap?

(1-541): View more from Oregon

I heard that too.

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(913): View more from Kansas

i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell

(816): View more from Missouri

please tell me you are kidding me

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(714): View more from California

You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that

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(720): View more from Colorado

the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.

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(925): View more from California

She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.

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(513): View more from Ohio

it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?

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(585): View more from New York

that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.

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(216): View more from Ohio

You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?

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(314): View more from Missouri

My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall

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(406): View more from Montana

she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.

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(907): View more from Alaska

How are you feeling today?

(330): View more from Ohio

i could've thrown up on command at any point today...

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(856): View more from New Jersey

she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done

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(305): View more from Florida

gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill

(970): View more from Colorado

did you ask her what wine to pair it with?

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(734): View more from Michigan

I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka

(231): View more from Michigan

the cocktail of hope

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(519): View more from Ontario

this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.

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(708): View more from Illinois

if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect

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(409): View more from Texas

We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus

(1-409): View more from Texas

How are you texting me from 1998?

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(408): View more from California

They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

please don't let me die tonight

(860): View more from Connecticut

what have you done for me lately?

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(256): View more from Alabama

Did he leave or is he still there?

(334): View more from Alabama

He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.

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(417): View more from Missouri

how was ur day?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money

(813): View more from Florida

sounds like you understand them just fine

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(914): View more from New York

There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone

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(248): View more from Michigan

I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.

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(208): View more from Idaho

i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.

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(313): View more from Michigan

you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside

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(407): View more from Florida

Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.

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(254): View more from Texas

Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.

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(714): View more from California

walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

(714): View more from California

he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

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(760): View more from California

Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?

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(734): View more from Michigan

hey call me

(810): View more from Michigan

can't. in the shower.

(734): View more from Michigan

... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.

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(917): View more from New York City

I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.

(518): View more from New York

Huh?

(917): View more from New York City

I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes

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(925): View more from California

dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning

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(314): View more from Missouri

I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.

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(647): View more from Ontario

on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..

(1-647): View more from Ontario

who won?

(647): View more from Ontario

THAT is your concern right now?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.

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(407): View more from Florida

Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This is sufficient.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

the problem with open bar is i never know what to get

(781): View more from Massachusetts

did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."

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(847): View more from Illinois

i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

it's a girl!!

(614): View more from Ohio

That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years

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(559): View more from California

I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.

(1-559): View more from California

Yup.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american

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(416): View more from Ontario

She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now

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(847): View more from Illinois

then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order

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(810): View more from Michigan

Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

Thanks dad.

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(561): View more from Florida

if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat

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(703): View more from Virginia

in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You might as well just give her the money now.

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(716): View more from New York

Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases

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(631): View more from New York

Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?

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(802): View more from Vermont

My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college

(516): View more from New York

is she hot?

(802): View more from Vermont

She is now

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(212): View more from New York

??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.

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(269): View more from Michigan

Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem

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(216): View more from Ohio

wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?

(330): View more from Ohio

yes... and buy you lunch

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(347): View more from New York

I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN

(347): View more from New York

I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN

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(352): View more from Florida

my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

What did you cook with whisky?

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We started a fire.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.

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(361): View more from Texas

As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?

(480): View more from Arizona

You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.

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(810): View more from Michigan

My ? Is...... Would it be sweet or creepy to take a girl on a first date to chigago?

(1-810): View more from Michigan

creepy.

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(804): View more from Virginia

i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive

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(701): View more from North Dakota

does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?

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(904): View more from Florida

I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly

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(815): View more from Illinois

It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."

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(217): View more from Illinois

I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.

(203): View more from Connecticut

Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"

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(201): View more from New Jersey

The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Did everyone make it back alive?

(309): View more from Illinois

You say that with such hope.

(217): View more from Illinois

Is that a no?

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(915): View more from Texas

Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up

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(281): View more from Texas

So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"

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(415): View more from California

I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?

(510): View more from California

I hope so

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(678): View more from Georgia

He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?

(770): View more from Georgia

I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."

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(661): View more from California

Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC

(831): View more from California

Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?

(651): View more from Minnesota

That's yours. We cut you off.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.

(720): View more from Colorado

Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.

(303): View more from Colorado

But what if I pay for the gas?

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(705): View more from Ontario

What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash

(1-513): View more from Ohio

GO. BACK. NOW.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.

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(415): View more from California

Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/

(973): View more from New Jersey

Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.

(859): View more from Kentucky

Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?

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(616): View more from Michigan

dude you need to get laid

(906): View more from Michigan

me?

(616): View more from Michigan

no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months

(906): View more from Michigan

oh I thought you were talkin about me

(906): View more from Michigan

wait

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(381): View more from

I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.

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(716): View more from New York

my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?

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(303): View more from Colorado

Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.

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(678): View more from Georgia

My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU

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(970): View more from Colorado

Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.

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(281): View more from Texas

I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.

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(904): View more from Florida

way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...

(1-904): View more from Florida

I saved lives by not driving this morning

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(206): View more from Washington

I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay

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(912): View more from Georgia

So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.

(1-912): View more from Georgia

Who leaves their car unlocked at night?

(912): View more from Georgia

Someone who wants to read the newspaper.

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(214): View more from Texas

your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.

(1-214): View more from Texas

we're not divorced.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"

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(559): View more from California

Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.

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(302): View more from Delaware

It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex

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(540): View more from Virginia

She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

we already have meals planned for the weekend.

(1-864): View more from South Carolina

SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the hells wrong with u

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.

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(360): View more from Washington

Let's get naked and see who's stronger.

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(734): View more from Michigan

operation "beaches make me wet" is a go

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(858): View more from California

She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.

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(530): View more from California

Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.

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(330): View more from Ohio

You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.

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(970): View more from Colorado

He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.

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(217): View more from Illinois

So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america

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(630): View more from Illinois

she could've warned me his penis was curved

(708): View more from Illinois

ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.

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(925): View more from California

This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.

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(207): View more from Maine

how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.

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(614): View more from Ohio

He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?

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(239): View more from Florida

Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.

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(619): View more from California

went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome

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(614): View more from Ohio

if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?

(1-614): View more from Ohio

i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.

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(858): View more from California

dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?

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(718): View more from New York

Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!

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(914): View more from New York

Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)

(540): View more from Virginia

awesome babe! drinks tonight!

(703): View more from Virginia

Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.

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(909): View more from California

don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying

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(206): View more from Washington

Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.

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(804): View more from Virginia

i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height

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(503): View more from Oregon

I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.

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(503): View more from Oregon

i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!

(360): View more from Washington

let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy

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(305): View more from Florida

We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween

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(440): View more from Ohio

i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth

(330): View more from Ohio

well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth

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(810): View more from Michigan

we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!

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(619): View more from California

Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex

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(503): View more from Oregon

Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.

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(315): View more from New York

My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.

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(571): View more from Virginia

next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave

(703): View more from Virginia

and miss being on the news....no way

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her

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(713): View more from Texas

We need to get cat food

(713): View more from Texas

Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms

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(607): View more from New York

you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY

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(423): View more from Tennessee

today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married

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(314): View more from Missouri

Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You love popeyes more than me

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?

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(319): View more from Iowa

Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

without a question

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(515): View more from Iowa

Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.

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(630): View more from Illinois

just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea

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(512): View more from Texas

I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there

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(310): View more from California

She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me

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(415): View more from California

When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

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(727): View more from Florida

did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?

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(407): View more from Florida

and now there are teeth marks on my dick.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.

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(816): View more from Missouri

we didnt even have break up sex...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

you had it for us with someone else...

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.

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(510): View more from California

After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!

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(701): View more from North Dakota

There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops

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(201): View more from New Jersey

In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7

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(225): View more from Louisiana

wtf

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?

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(914): View more from New York

Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.

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(253): View more from Washington

Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

I like taco bell too

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(716): View more from New York

speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms

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(713): View more from Texas

We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight

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(301): View more from Maryland

she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is

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(925): View more from California

So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."

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(360): View more from Washington

Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.

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(315): View more from New York

so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese

(315): View more from New York

here comes the puke

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(704): View more from North Carolina

i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!

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(818): View more from California

my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you

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(206): View more from Washington

What should our trivia night team be named?

(925): View more from California

Define Statutory

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(925): View more from California

I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.

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(406): View more from Montana

Its weird to pet your cat with a boner

(1-406): View more from Montana

What the fuck?

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(720): View more from Colorado

I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.

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(360): View more from Washington

i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man

(206): View more from Washington

?

(360): View more from Washington

he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!

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(818): View more from California

Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.

(1-818): View more from California

Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.

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(415): View more from California

sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.

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(314): View more from Missouri

It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

professor came back from spring break missing a tooth

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.

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(317): View more from Indiana

She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended

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(661): View more from California

Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.

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(727): View more from Florida

I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..

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(512): View more from Texas

Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?

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(585): View more from New York

you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.

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(682): View more from Texas

Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.

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(315): View more from New York

Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.

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(310): View more from California

Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs

(310): View more from California

Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom

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(478): View more from Georgia

Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going

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(906): View more from Michigan

They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...

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(714): View more from California

there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs

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(804): View more from Virginia

Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.

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(562): View more from California

I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.

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(323): View more from California

Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me

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(417): View more from Missouri

Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.

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(516): View more from New York

matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.

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(949): View more from California

She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

you dont

(732): View more from New Jersey

i dont

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!

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(904): View more from Florida

Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.

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(940): View more from Texas

You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.

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(845): View more from New York

Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands

(845): View more from New York

i made a dollar

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(850): View more from Florida

I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish

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(623): View more from Arizona

and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.

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(613): View more from Ontario

She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.

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(804): View more from Virginia

she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"

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(772): View more from Florida

it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night

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(518): View more from New York

I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.

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(540): View more from Virginia

My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house

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(217): View more from Illinois

Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.

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(520): View more from Arizona

just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...

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(785): View more from Kansas

Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...

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(502): View more from Kentucky

He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.

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(805): View more from California

My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.

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(815): View more from Illinois

ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?

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(443): View more from Maryland

this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing

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(630): View more from Illinois

there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?

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(313): View more from Michigan

Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties

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(303): View more from Colorado

No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

well now I have to

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(231): View more from Michigan

His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again

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(831): View more from California

Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.

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(734): View more from Michigan

How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?

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(360): View more from Washington

Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?

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(813): View more from Florida

im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.

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(512): View more from Texas

honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party

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(913): View more from Kansas

Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right

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(815): View more from Illinois

we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.

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(239): View more from Florida

so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE

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(513): View more from Ohio

They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.

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(352): View more from Florida

The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.

(1-352): View more from Florida

Oh God. You're going to jail

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".

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(870): View more from Arkansas

So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button

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(301): View more from Maryland

I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day

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(305): View more from Florida

The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.

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(207): View more from Maine

I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.

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(714): View more from California

I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!

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(954): View more from Florida

Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke

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(503): View more from Oregon

Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.

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(703): View more from Virginia

You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.

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(333): View more from

im calling her cock vulture from now on

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(712): View more from Iowa

Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.

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(949): View more from California

We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.

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(301): View more from Maryland

just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people

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(650): View more from California

Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates

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(631): View more from New York

his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny

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(248): View more from Michigan

whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes

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(509): View more from Washington

i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it

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(708): View more from Illinois

Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.

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(801): View more from Utah

This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.

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(512): View more from Texas

want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.

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(818): View more from California

The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.

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(240): View more from Maryland

i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'

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(514): View more from Quebec

maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge

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(360): View more from Washington

Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.

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(734): View more from Michigan

He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.

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(770): View more from Georgia

If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...

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(586): View more from Michigan

from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume

(612): View more from Minnesota

we need ur ladder

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(615): View more from Tennessee

you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.

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(415): View more from California

She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.

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(+65): View more from

No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.

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(404): View more from Georgia

You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."

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(573): View more from Missouri

I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."

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(647): View more from Ontario

You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well

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(636): View more from Missouri

She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.

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(858): View more from California

Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts

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(479): View more from Arkansas

He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.

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(281): View more from Texas

It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born

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(760): View more from California

She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.

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(205): View more from Alabama

She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.

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(916): View more from California

You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.

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(239): View more from Florida

I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"

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(630): View more from Illinois

But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them

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(253): View more from Washington

In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.

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(425): View more from Washington

It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.

(425): View more from Washington

Not including when spray tanning

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.

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(707): View more from California

I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class

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(+25): View more from

We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.

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(519): View more from Ontario

someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I think you may want to look into that...

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey

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(802): View more from Vermont

It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness

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(618): View more from Illinois

was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?

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(810): View more from Michigan

Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?

(828): View more from North Carolina

Is it working?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore

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(712): View more from Iowa

He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table

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(319): View more from Iowa

This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.

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(916): View more from California

craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?

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(720): View more from Colorado

i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944

(720): View more from Colorado

and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate

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(818): View more from California

The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.

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(727): View more from Florida

whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.

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(573): View more from Missouri

They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.

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(845): View more from New York

I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting

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(720): View more from Colorado

I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis

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(845): View more from New York

Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"

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(303): View more from Colorado

Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.

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(760): View more from California

I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard

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(316): View more from Kansas

Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.

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(315): View more from New York

someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this

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(518): View more from New York

I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.

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(716): View more from New York

He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"

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(651): View more from Minnesota

okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.

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(914): View more from New York

Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?

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(804): View more from Virginia

At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.

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(310): View more from California

Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight

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(816): View more from Missouri

and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.

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(248): View more from Michigan

after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup

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(574): View more from Indiana

2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home

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(+61): View more from Australia

She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.

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(574): View more from Indiana

im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven

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(785): View more from Kansas

She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.

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(913): View more from Kansas

you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...

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(208): View more from Idaho

They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"

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(210): View more from Texas

If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?

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(646): View more from New York

all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.

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(443): View more from Maryland

The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.

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(917): View more from New York City

Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.

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(954): View more from Florida

I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.

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(850): View more from Florida

she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."

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(937): View more from Ohio

Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate

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(971): View more from Oregon

eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them

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(812): View more from Indiana

He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.

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(406): View more from Montana

just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime

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(914): View more from New York

does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.

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(914): View more from New York

I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.

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(815): View more from Illinois

my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward

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(801): View more from Utah

I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...

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(928): View more from Arizona

note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea

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(501): View more from Arkansas

now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets

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(214): View more from Texas

No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I slept with him to see his dog one last time

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(443): View more from Maryland

Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.

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(208): View more from Idaho

She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".

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(256): View more from Alabama

I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent

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(330): View more from Ohio

Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.

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(845): View more from New York

she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.

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(917): View more from New York City

we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability

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(219): View more from Indiana

So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend

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(503): View more from Oregon

just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me

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(303): View more from Colorado

The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened

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(602): View more from Arizona

i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.

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(917): View more from New York City

My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.

(917): View more from New York City

Also pregame at mine tomorrow?

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(416): View more from Toronto

At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.

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(813): View more from Florida

He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...

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(732): View more from New Jersey

That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep

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(207): View more from Maine

She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "

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(973): View more from New Jersey

searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy

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(904): View more from Florida

I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that

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(310): View more from California

He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna

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(972): View more from Texas

The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.

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(251): View more from Alabama

I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.

(478): View more from Georgia

Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing

(860): View more from Connecticut

So?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

This is why you shouldn't make decisions

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months

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(310): View more from California

I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.

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(360): View more from Washington

I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.

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(317): View more from Indiana

disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell

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(907): View more from Alaska

We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.

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(917): View more from New York City

Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.

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(212): View more from New York

My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.

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(719): View more from Colorado

On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

You coming home soon, man?

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

HENBARSCLOSE

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week

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(206): View more from Washington

No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.

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(646): View more from New York

He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.

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(317): View more from Indiana

you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...

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(714): View more from California

I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister

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(478): View more from Georgia

We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.

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(619): View more from California

My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.

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(216): View more from Ohio

i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time

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(740): View more from Ohio

Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired

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(949): View more from California

Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?

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(678): View more from Georgia

Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.

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(520): View more from Arizona

I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.

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(705): View more from Ontario

The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"

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(404): View more from Georgia

we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.

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(518): View more from New York

Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.

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(303): View more from Colorado

good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"

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(705): View more from Ontario

All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.

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(845): View more from New York

So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing

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(613): View more from Ontario

My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?

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(415): View more from California

Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?

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(207): View more from Maine

And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.

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(239): View more from Florida

Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping

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(352): View more from Florida

Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.

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(817): View more from Texas

In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.

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(512): View more from Texas

Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

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(541): View more from Oregon

mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.

(925): View more from California

"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.

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(585): View more from New York

any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is

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(609): View more from New Jersey

we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..

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(847): View more from Illinois

No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.

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(251): View more from Alabama

Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?

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(404): View more from Georgia

YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!

(678): View more from Georgia

correction: escorted out

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(894): View more from

just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit

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(416): View more from Toronto

Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out

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(925): View more from California

Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed

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(952): View more from Minnesota

In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites

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(859): View more from Kentucky

did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.

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(636): View more from Missouri

hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?

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(+79): View more from

Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight

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(626): View more from California

This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side

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(847): View more from Illinois

i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink

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(804): View more from Virginia

Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building

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(207): View more from Maine

Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

OMG THAT WAS YOU?!

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.

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(207): View more from Maine

I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet

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(614): View more from Ohio

I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man

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(847): View more from Illinois

And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"

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(615): View more from Tennessee

They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.

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(509): View more from Washington

We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.

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(207): View more from Maine

A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight

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(907): View more from Alaska

I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.

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(503): View more from Oregon

gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb

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(775): View more from Nevada

I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other

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(847): View more from Illinois

cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me

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(+86): View more from China

Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,

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(720): View more from Colorado

Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.

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(716): View more from New York

If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.

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(757): View more from Virginia

It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.

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(516): View more from New York

The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.

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(806): View more from Texas

You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.

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(714): View more from California

considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned

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(770): View more from Georgia

Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf

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(952): View more from Minnesota

i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage

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(514): View more from Quebec

Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.

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(619): View more from California

i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.

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(330): View more from Ohio

come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

bloody. ill be home soon.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?

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(707): View more from California

I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now

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(516): View more from New York

i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"

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(816): View more from Missouri

I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.

(913): View more from Kansas

Nobody is perfect

(816): View more from Missouri

I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other

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(812): View more from Indiana

Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...

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(516): View more from New York

That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.

(1-516): View more from New York

yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.

(516): View more from New York

Do you have to put it that way?

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(530): View more from California

Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.

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(514): View more from Quebec

What happened to chicks over dicks?

(1-514): View more from Quebec

That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..

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(636): View more from Missouri

the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"

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(845): View more from New York

I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat

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(727): View more from Florida

I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"

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(847): View more from Illinois

there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check

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(917): View more from New York City

was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?

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(706): View more from Georgia

What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.

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(310): View more from California

The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.

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(815): View more from Illinois

The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.

(928): View more from Arizona

wow.

(815): View more from Illinois

But it's a REALLY good back rub.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?

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(305): View more from Florida

he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink

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(602): View more from Arizona

for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.

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(312): View more from Illinois

You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?

(217): View more from Illinois

I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Am I supposed to find that romantic?

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(660): View more from Missouri

We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out

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(224): View more from Illinois

woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training

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(352): View more from Florida

My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?

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(785): View more from Kansas

my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.

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(802): View more from Vermont

My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".

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(315): View more from New York

I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.

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(512): View more from Texas

If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.

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(520): View more from Arizona

New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.

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(303): View more from Colorado

They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I drank myself into bisexuality again.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".

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(808): View more from Hawaii

you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe

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(228): View more from Mississippi

yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.

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(850): View more from Florida

I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok

(850): View more from Florida

They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good

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(703): View more from Virginia

Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?

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(330): View more from Ohio

Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

That doesn't help me much...

(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm right under the moon!

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(301): View more from Maryland

I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.

(704): View more from North Carolina

How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?

(301): View more from Maryland

Salt in an open wound right now.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(937): View more from Ohio

so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?

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(917): View more from New York City

I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob

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(631): View more from New York

lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon

(1-631): View more from New York

wow.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.

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(503): View more from Oregon

well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.

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(585): View more from New York

Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there

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(567): View more from Ohio

i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255

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(419): View more from Ohio

I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"

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(805): View more from California

You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.

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(561): View more from Florida

he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him

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(713): View more from Texas

So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...

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(303): View more from Colorado

there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome

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(469): View more from Texas

The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.

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(408): View more from California

Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian

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(951): View more from California

Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries

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(630): View more from Illinois

the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.

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(703): View more from Virginia

he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh

(1-703): View more from Virginia

be sure to add "office slut" to your resume

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(561): View more from Florida

I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.

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(949): View more from California

is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??

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(289): View more from Ontario

Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working

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(408): View more from California

just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".

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(419): View more from Ohio

two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome

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(510): View more from California

Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.

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(765): View more from Indiana

He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...

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(801): View more from Utah

Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?

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(763): View more from Minnesota

lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...

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(314): View more from Missouri

every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?

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(760): View more from California

It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.

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(530): View more from California

regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle

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(229): View more from Georgia

She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever

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(314): View more from Missouri

He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.

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(614): View more from Ohio

she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.

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(937): View more from Ohio

how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?

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(801): View more from Utah

I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost

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(513): View more from Ohio

He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay

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(704): View more from North Carolina

a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.

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(214): View more from Texas

I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.

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(630): View more from Illinois

So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex

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(631): View more from New York

You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.

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(850): View more from Florida

"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?

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(618): View more from Illinois

Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate

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(416): View more from Toronto

sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.

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(516): View more from New York

Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.

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(210): View more from Texas

I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.

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(214): View more from Texas

i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.

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(313): View more from Michigan

tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve

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(509): View more from Washington

She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center

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(563): View more from Iowa

i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about

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(270): View more from Kentucky

The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower

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(812): View more from Indiana

I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room

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(706): View more from Georgia

She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things

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(913): View more from Kansas

It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it

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(817): View more from Texas

I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.

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(845): View more from New York

What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet

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(323): View more from California

Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.

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(954): View more from Florida

We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.

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(301): View more from Maryland

He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest

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(678): View more from Georgia

Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!

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(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

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(303): View more from Colorado

One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.

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(+66): View more from Thailand

A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure

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(425): View more from Washington

I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...

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(213): View more from California

dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked

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(956): View more from Texas

Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."

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(678): View more from Georgia

Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.

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(226): View more from Ontario

This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon

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(289): View more from Ontario

The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.

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(925): View more from California

I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't

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(727): View more from Florida

would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?

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(216): View more from Ohio

ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"

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(908): View more from New Jersey

He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment

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(425): View more from Washington

Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story

(307): View more from Wyoming

The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back

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(586): View more from Michigan

so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.

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(718): View more from New York

i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..

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(315): View more from New York

and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...

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(636): View more from Missouri

The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.

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(801): View more from Utah

You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.

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(361): View more from Texas

Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.

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(713): View more from Texas

He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out

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(812): View more from Indiana

Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well

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(334): View more from Alabama

How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."

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(914): View more from New York

So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.

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(740): View more from Ohio

she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse

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(517): View more from Michigan

I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable

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(260): View more from Indiana

It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.

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(807): View more from Ontario

I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?

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(518): View more from New York

you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma

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(727): View more from Florida

the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...

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(703): View more from Virginia

Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.

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(616): View more from Michigan

So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.

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(789): View more from

If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.

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(807): View more from Ontario

I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.

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(517): View more from Michigan

found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.

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(815): View more from Illinois

We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.

(336): View more from North Carolina

"people in the room" being me.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!

(508): View more from Massachusetts

because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.

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(520): View more from Arizona

The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later

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(818): View more from California

They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.

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(434): View more from Virginia

I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.

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(360): View more from Washington

Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.

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(240): View more from Maryland

last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours

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(903): View more from Texas

I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.

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(214): View more from Texas

His apartment number was 69. I had to.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.

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(806): View more from Texas

A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"

(501): View more from Arkansas

Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...

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(240): View more from Maryland

woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.

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(831): View more from California

I puked off the balcony.

(1-831): View more from California

Not horrible

(831): View more from California

Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

why is allison so mad at me??

(469): View more from Texas

me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".

(318): View more from Louisiana

crap..

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(207): View more from Maine

I think we should see other people.

(1-207): View more from Maine

Already working on it.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?

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(845): View more from New York

Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll

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(516): View more from New York

If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.

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(503): View more from Oregon

PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...

(515): View more from Iowa

Ur type is ready and willing

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.

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(214): View more from Texas

Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?

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(815): View more from Illinois

just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling

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(919): View more from North Carolina

we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.

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(714): View more from California

He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?

(1-218): View more from Minnesota

Both?

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(513): View more from Ohio

wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

how could i say no?

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(256): View more from Alabama

this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.

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(913): View more from Kansas

You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy

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(504): View more from Louisiana

how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?

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(806): View more from Texas

I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

You know i think she's just using me for sex

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

I hate you.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career

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(443): View more from Maryland

At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...

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(954): View more from Florida

I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.

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(917): View more from New York City

And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages

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(575): View more from New Mexico

Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason

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(203): View more from Connecticut

theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him

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(949): View more from California

Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.

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(805): View more from California

my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.

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(706): View more from Georgia

This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night

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(850): View more from Florida

my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Dude you has no fucking this poptart

(719): View more from Colorado

What?

(843): View more from South Carolina

I dont know to explain this.

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(714): View more from California

I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it

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(206): View more from Washington

My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.

(415): View more from California

Why?

(206): View more from Washington

Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.

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(229): View more from Georgia

He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.

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(248): View more from Michigan

To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....

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(612): View more from Minnesota

And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time

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(440): View more from Ohio

Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.

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(516): View more from New York

I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen

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(602): View more from Arizona

Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?

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(515): View more from Iowa

I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...

(316): View more from Kansas

Just the budget?

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(435): View more from Utah

this will be a night to untag.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.

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(347): View more from New York

just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner

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(315): View more from New York

My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'

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(605): View more from South Dakota

dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal

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(703): View more from Virginia

I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order

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(480): View more from Arizona

He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again

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(713): View more from Texas

As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..

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(319): View more from Iowa

We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.

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(334): View more from Alabama

He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

I'm in awe of how selfish that is.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.

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(817): View more from Texas

I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.

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(716): View more from New York

I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.

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(863): View more from Florida

fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside

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(313): View more from Michigan

I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot

(313): View more from Michigan

He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all

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(856): View more from New Jersey

When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night

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(502): View more from Kentucky

If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.

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(209): View more from California

We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate

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(404): View more from Georgia

My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.

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(214): View more from Texas

You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.

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(253): View more from Washington

Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about

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(913): View more from Kansas

It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...

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(719): View more from Colorado

We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting

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(714): View more from California

the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester

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(620): View more from Kansas

throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.

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(516): View more from New York

She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college

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(937): View more from Ohio

Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.

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(305): View more from Florida

MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.

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(440): View more from Ohio

my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.

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(631): View more from New York

He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.

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(443): View more from Maryland

her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"

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(443): View more from Maryland

she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

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(214): View more from Texas

okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you

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(760): View more from California

Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.

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(646): View more from New York

its my first week of college and i have a UTI

(718): View more from New York

not easy being a whore now is it

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.

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(214): View more from Texas

New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.

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(352): View more from Florida

Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

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(256): View more from Alabama

i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

dude how high are you right now?

(256): View more from Alabama

do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

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(703): View more from Virginia

still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside

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(410): View more from Maryland

There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional

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(301): View more from Maryland

Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?

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(303): View more from Colorado

She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?

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(219): View more from Indiana

you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.

(949): View more from California

she's my drunk super hero.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first

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(716): View more from New York

just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.

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(410): View more from Maryland

She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril

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(714): View more from California

My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.

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(917): View more from New York City

I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex

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(514): View more from Quebec

It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far

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(972): View more from Texas

The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way

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(651): View more from Minnesota

just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

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(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(601): View more from Mississippi

K. On the way. I need a drink.

(904): View more from Florida

Like a drink drink or like water?

(601): View more from Mississippi

Have we met?

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(847): View more from Illinois

just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life

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(318): View more from Louisiana

my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job

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(602): View more from Arizona

I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"

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(248): View more from Michigan

i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.

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(802): View more from Vermont

just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(914): View more from New York

i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school

(1-914): View more from New York

oh right the one that ends on your bed

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(410): View more from Maryland

i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes

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(307): View more from Wyoming

first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem

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(859): View more from Kentucky

you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do

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(845): View more from New York

You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.

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(513): View more from Ohio

He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.

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(516): View more from New York

i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club

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(630): View more from Illinois

everybody makes mistakes

(1-630): View more from Illinois

i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances

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(714): View more from California

Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.

(562): View more from California

You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.

(714): View more from California

Well someones bitter they didn't get any.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

He just wants an even tan

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(256): View more from Alabama

I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.

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(519): View more from Ontario

You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.

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(917): View more from New York City

M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

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