Texts From Last Night · weny1717's Favorites

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weny1717's Favorites Texts:

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !

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(518): View more from New York

He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college

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(863): View more from Florida

fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.

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(626): View more from California

Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.

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(765): View more from Indiana

He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night

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(951): View more from California

Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.

(951): View more from California

Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted

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(281): View more from Texas

She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins

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(909): View more from California

I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.

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(303): View more from Colorado

we're about an hour out, how's the weather?

(720): View more from Colorado

cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.

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(845): View more from New York

They were actually really boring considering how we met them.

(1-845): View more from New York

howd you meet them?

(845): View more from New York

They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.

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(407): View more from Florida

How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after

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(720): View more from Colorado

Can we agree to not tell mom about this?

(303): View more from Colorado

This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...

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(805): View more from California

So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka

(1-805): View more from California

Sweet. Did I win?

(805): View more from California

Youre hungover arent you?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed

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(512): View more from Texas

Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.

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(727): View more from Florida

let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.

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(229): View more from Georgia

Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.

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(415): View more from California

Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.

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(806): View more from Texas

at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.

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(661): View more from California

new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation

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(917): View more from New York City

I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out

(1-917): View more from New York City

We've been saying that since '98

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(631): View more from New York

Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key

(631): View more from New York

had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.

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(530): View more from California

Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".

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(614): View more from Ohio

at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.

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(903): View more from Texas

How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

this is your brother

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(979): View more from Texas

Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.

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(210): View more from Texas

I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.

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(616): View more from Michigan

i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Which ones?

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(540): View more from Virginia

she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love

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(805): View more from California

I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.

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(913): View more from Kansas

So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on

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(513): View more from Ohio

Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!

(1-513): View more from Ohio

Thanks, mom.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.

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(785): View more from Kansas

my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working

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(727): View more from Florida

We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno

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(518): View more from New York

she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.

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(516): View more from New York

The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.

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(705): View more from Ontario

How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?

(1-705): View more from Ontario

I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....

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(208): View more from Idaho

He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me

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(609): View more from New Jersey

One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.

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(214): View more from Texas

He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?

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(614): View more from Ohio

Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....

(614): View more from Ohio

We've got ourselves a situation

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(925): View more from California

I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me

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(404): View more from Georgia

Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...

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(708): View more from Illinois

A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?

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(847): View more from Illinois

This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.

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(301): View more from Maryland

not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.

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(914): View more from New York

I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.

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(618): View more from Illinois

the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.

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(760): View more from California

Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.

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(917): View more from New York City

My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard

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(732): View more from New Jersey

That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.

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(806): View more from Texas

No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha

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(314): View more from Missouri

The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight

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(604): View more from British Columbia

ttyl tear gas

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(305): View more from Florida

After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.

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(903): View more from Texas

pop tarts are not kleenex

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(520): View more from Arizona

just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??

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(248): View more from Michigan

yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss

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(618): View more from Illinois

He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."

(224): View more from Illinois

Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.

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(917): View more from New York City

level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.

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(303): View more from Colorado

That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth

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(303): View more from Colorado

his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy

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(585): View more from New York

we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.

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(530): View more from California

My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans

(530): View more from California

You've been usurped as King of the Gays

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(518): View more from New York

Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer

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(713): View more from Texas

OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame

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(214): View more from Texas

i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"

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(309): View more from Illinois

dude do u know what u did last night?

(1-309): View more from Illinois

do i wanna know???

(309): View more from Illinois

you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...

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(903): View more from Texas

So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.

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(913): View more from Kansas

You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.

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(954): View more from Florida

I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

What did you cook with whisky?

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We started a fire.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed

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(559): View more from California

the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail

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(678): View more from Georgia

This show inspires me to have sex in space

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(847): View more from Illinois

u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations

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(618): View more from Illinois

bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented

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(908): View more from New Jersey

what if I'm pregnant?

(848): View more from New Jersey

smusmorshion

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(310): View more from California

i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.

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(847): View more from Illinois

First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk

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(432): View more from Texas

There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!

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(702): View more from Nevada

she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.

(702): View more from Nevada

now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

Oh.My.God.

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(248): View more from Michigan

On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"

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(440): View more from Ohio

So you threw a sword at me last night

(419): View more from Ohio

I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.

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(915): View more from Texas

when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up

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(602): View more from Arizona

Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Sacagawea was the original milf.

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(509): View more from Washington

I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.

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(347): View more from New York

It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself

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(513): View more from Ohio

sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.

(740): View more from Ohio

Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."

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(760): View more from California

There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.

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(909): View more from California

I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.

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(702): View more from Nevada

The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before

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(443): View more from Maryland

Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

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(585): View more from New York

Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.

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(207): View more from Maine

I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.

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(906): View more from Michigan

quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets

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(250): View more from British Columbia

when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.

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(613): View more from Ontario

at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.

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(705): View more from Ontario

APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...

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(515): View more from Iowa

theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.

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(305): View more from Florida

you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out

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(316): View more from Kansas

She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.

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(925): View more from California

the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".

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(559): View more from California

Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston

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(415): View more from California

When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

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(609): View more from New Jersey

id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night

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(501): View more from Arkansas

so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...

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(954): View more from Florida

i just sent this text using only my big toe

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(303): View more from Colorado

am i morally bankrupt?

(970): View more from Colorado

no. its just the recession

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(312): View more from Illinois

I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.

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(928): View more from Arizona

note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.

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(425): View more from Washington

I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.

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(406): View more from Montana

This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends

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(317): View more from Indiana

Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.

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(631): View more from New York

ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight

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(661): View more from California

I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context

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(905): View more from Ontario

was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?

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(810): View more from Michigan

The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.

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(315): View more from New York

The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping

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(440): View more from Ohio

Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?

(1-440): View more from Ohio

because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?

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(254): View more from Texas

I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...

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(205): View more from Alabama

Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut

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(305): View more from Florida

We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?

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(931): View more from Tennessee

woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?

(615): View more from Tennessee

New experience?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera

(908): View more from New Jersey

She didnt have a camera...

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.

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(586): View more from Michigan

he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."

(423): View more from Tennessee

Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.

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(516): View more from New York

i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.

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(661): View more from California

My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss

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(432): View more from Texas

Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??

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(206): View more from Washington

Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage

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(214): View more from Texas

You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp

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(912): View more from Georgia

just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end

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(586): View more from Michigan

so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.

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(212): View more from New York

Send those Picts to my email please. From last night

(941): View more from Florida

Ps thx for the porn on my phone

(212): View more from New York

;) ur welcome

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry

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(602): View more from Arizona

I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.

(623): View more from Arizona

Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.

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(212): View more from New York

I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.

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(404): View more from Georgia

you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.

(1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

Girl's gotta have her standards.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.

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(404): View more from Georgia

i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay

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(407): View more from Florida

big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think

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(810): View more from Michigan

You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish

(248): View more from Michigan

Experience is the best teacher

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(720): View more from Colorado

She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches

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(516): View more from New York

The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.

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(419): View more from Ohio

There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.

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(706): View more from Georgia

They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods

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(415): View more from California

I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.

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(613): View more from Ontario

somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.

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(858): View more from California

Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.

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(217): View more from Illinois

The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.

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(334): View more from Alabama

Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.

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(616): View more from Michigan

If i could tip my vagina, i would.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!

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(847): View more from Illinois

He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?

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(607): View more from New York

When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.

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(210): View more from Texas

He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.

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(904): View more from Florida

I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.

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(847): View more from Illinois

stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever

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(816): View more from Missouri

I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.

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(812): View more from Indiana

McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?

(1-812): View more from Indiana

All of them

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.

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(+49): View more from Germany

Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.

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(641): View more from Iowa

TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY

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(269): View more from Michigan

Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!

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(303): View more from Colorado

i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'

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(605): View more from South Dakota

just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?

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(807): View more from Ontario

I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.

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(315): View more from New York

apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us

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(216): View more from Ohio

wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?

(330): View more from Ohio

yes... and buy you lunch

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(775): View more from Nevada

they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.

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(314): View more from Missouri

rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?

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(352): View more from Florida

Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.

(352): View more from Florida

And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.

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(770): View more from Georgia

We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?

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(631): View more from New York

she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.

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(407): View more from Florida

he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around

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(208): View more from Idaho

Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life

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(913): View more from Kansas

Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.

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(650): View more from California

This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.

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(631): View more from New York

saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.

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(650): View more from California

sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.

(415): View more from California

we had.

(650): View more from California

well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.

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(418): View more from Quebec

I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate

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(916): View more from California

I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.

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(802): View more from Vermont

ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss

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(310): View more from California

I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.

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(281): View more from Texas

I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!

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(913): View more from Kansas

he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever

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(813): View more from Florida

I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?

(513): View more from Ohio

um, yeah. i think it is.

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(705): View more from Ontario

never. drinking. again.

(1-705): View more from Ontario

lets not get ahead of ourselves.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.

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(503): View more from Oregon

i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!

(360): View more from Washington

let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Have you learned any life lessons?

(406): View more from Montana

I like big butts and I cannot lie.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".

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(519): View more from Ontario

I have a critically important question to ask.

(519): View more from Ontario

Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?

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(248): View more from Michigan

I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story

(307): View more from Wyoming

The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.

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(720): View more from Colorado

turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"

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(205): View more from Alabama

i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"

(1-205): View more from Alabama

if you ask that question again our friendship is over

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(804): View more from Virginia

Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here

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(703): View more from Virginia

the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.

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(817): View more from Texas

just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child

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(214): View more from Texas

So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.

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(253): View more from Washington

I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''

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(615): View more from Tennessee

At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...

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(917): View more from New York City

I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.

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(216): View more from Ohio

i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"

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(315): View more from New York

some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.

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(742): View more from

What happened last night?

(1-742): View more from

You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.

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(240): View more from Maryland

ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.

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(954): View more from Florida

Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!

(805): View more from California

God Bless America!

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(908): View more from New Jersey

If I go to jail what happens to my debt?

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

You dont have to pay it.

(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm going to jail.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.

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(630): View more from Illinois

do you know how bad I want you right now?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

As bad as i want you to stop texting me?

(630): View more from Illinois

is that a hint?

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(512): View more from Texas

just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?

(1-512): View more from Texas

pretty standard. you have fun last night?

(512): View more from Texas

apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?

(1-512): View more from Texas

typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.

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(212): View more from New York

guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.

(1-781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"

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(865): View more from Tennessee

She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone

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(360): View more from Washington

did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.

(425): View more from Washington

some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog

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(650): View more from California

There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.

(650): View more from California

I tried to assassinate the ginger baby

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world

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(502): View more from Kentucky

We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.

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(425): View more from Washington

I proposed and she said yes man.

(1-425): View more from Washington

You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?

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(719): View more from Colorado

so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.

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(480): View more from Arizona

A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.

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(406): View more from Montana

When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.

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(404): View more from Georgia

So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.

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(410): View more from Maryland

To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.

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(716): View more from New York

I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?

(503): View more from Oregon

Succeeded.

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(815): View more from Illinois

my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves

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(727): View more from Florida

I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.

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(512): View more from Texas

On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!

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(850): View more from Florida

I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.

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(858): View more from California

Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"

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(702): View more from Nevada

Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker

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(605): View more from South Dakota

We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.

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(303): View more from Colorado

i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I checked into jail on foursquare

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(409): View more from Texas

Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump

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(207): View more from Maine

i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering

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(415): View more from California

Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in

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(925): View more from California

These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house

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(510): View more from California

I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.

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(315): View more from New York

Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.

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(845): View more from New York

How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?

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(314): View more from Missouri

I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...

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(631): View more from New York

New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...

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(765): View more from Indiana

we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.

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(352): View more from Florida

You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.

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(208): View more from Idaho

opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling

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(718): View more from New York

im about as happy as oj after his trial

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(913): View more from Kansas

i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.

(816): View more from Missouri

i think im in thre room next to you

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.

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(806): View more from Texas

I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.

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(256): View more from Alabama

The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.

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(707): View more from California

Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

True on all accounts.

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(445): View more from Pennsylvania

My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god

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(520): View more from Arizona

There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.

(808): View more from Hawaii

oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to

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(714): View more from California

sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.

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(347): View more from New York

his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.

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(325): View more from Texas

The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am

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(509): View more from Washington

I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics

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(740): View more from Ohio

Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?

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(513): View more from Ohio

Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

Every day of my life.

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(512): View more from Texas

did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.

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(514): View more from Quebec

I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?

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(805): View more from California

I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.

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(512): View more from Texas

So....maintenance found the bullethole.....

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(813): View more from Florida

There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

(732): View more from New Jersey

like it was yesterday

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(516): View more from New York

i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone

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(416): View more from Ontario

Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale

(401): View more from Rhode Island

at least we're not in new jersey

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(410): View more from Maryland

pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...

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(870): View more from Arkansas

It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted

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(804): View more from Virginia

i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry

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(831): View more from California

It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.

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(904): View more from Florida

i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps

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(813): View more from Florida

i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license

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(719): View more from Colorado

Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.

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(515): View more from Iowa

i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.

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(386): View more from Florida

it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.

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(678): View more from Georgia

why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?

(770): View more from Georgia

I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle

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(402): View more from Nebraska

The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.

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(650): View more from California

Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th

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(225): View more from Louisiana

i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

whats a bus flip?

(225): View more from Louisiana

idk but apparently i invented it

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(804): View more from Virginia

quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick

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(214): View more from Texas

Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.

(1-781): View more from Massachusetts

didn't that happen to you last weekend?

(781): View more from Massachusetts

shut up.

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(831): View more from California

Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.

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(409): View more from Texas

There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.

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(813): View more from Florida

We shouldn"t be alone together

(606): View more from Kentucky

you didn"t say that yesterday

(813): View more from Florida

you weren't married yesterday

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"

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(214): View more from Texas

didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.

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(817): View more from Texas

Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.

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(818): View more from California

So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day

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(478): View more from Georgia

how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?

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(773): View more from Illinois

apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster

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(210): View more from Texas

Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points

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(702): View more from Nevada

It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.

(775): View more from Nevada

Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????

(702): View more from Nevada

God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.

(330): View more from Ohio

I don't know you.

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(631): View more from New York

dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.

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(972): View more from Texas

Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.

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(845): View more from New York

i can't find my house

(1-845): View more from New York

we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

(845): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure my house moved.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

So my game is weak??

(501): View more from Arkansas

If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.

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(631): View more from New York

I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.

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(650): View more from California

So is it bad that I'm using this 21 year old for his hot bod and utter naivety?

(303): View more from Colorado

No its what 21 year olds are made for

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(925): View more from California

is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?

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(214): View more from Texas

Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?

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(850): View more from Florida

She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.

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(627): View more from California

his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"

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(719): View more from Colorado

Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.

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(269): View more from Michigan

My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.

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(816): View more from Missouri

After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.

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(702): View more from Nevada

she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.

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(559): View more from California

You realize it's finals week?

(408): View more from California

Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.

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(518): View more from New York

He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"

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(817): View more from Texas

Dude. Creed is coming in september.

(1-817): View more from Texas

We're no longer friends.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.

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(804): View more from Virginia

finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!

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(425): View more from Washington

I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.

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(248): View more from Michigan

i can't wait to go to hell

(1-248): View more from Michigan

yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure

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(530): View more from California

Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line

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(208): View more from Idaho

Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore

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(402): View more from Nebraska

he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.

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(786): View more from Florida

my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao

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(231): View more from Michigan

Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"

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(214): View more from Texas

Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits

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(775): View more from Nevada

suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..

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(505): View more from New Mexico

They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.

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(706): View more from Georgia

In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.

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(360): View more from Washington

You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.

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(562): View more from California

Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS

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(845): View more from New York

Did you bedazzle the elevator?

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(757): View more from Virginia

Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.

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(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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(207): View more from Maine

dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat

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(513): View more from Ohio

why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position

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(619): View more from California

you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog

(716): View more from New York

do you not see the irony in that??

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(770): View more from Georgia

his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning

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(940): View more from Texas

She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

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(678): View more from Georgia

did u really fuck my little sister???

(706): View more from Georgia

im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"

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(518): View more from New York

I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.

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(707): View more from California

My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."

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(334): View more from Alabama

He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things

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(310): View more from California

i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.

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(716): View more from New York

People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz

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(407): View more from Florida

It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.

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(678): View more from Georgia

while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

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(816): View more from Missouri

You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"

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(540): View more from Virginia

my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

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(678): View more from Georgia

All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

(404): View more from Georgia

You mean bread?

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(916): View more from California

my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

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(512): View more from Texas

The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England

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(360): View more from Washington

he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.

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(425): View more from Washington

It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

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(512): View more from Texas

Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was

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(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

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(765): View more from Indiana

He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.

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(903): View more from Texas

omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

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(248): View more from Michigan

New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.

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(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special

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(240): View more from Maryland

Banned from zoo.

(301): View more from Maryland

Again?

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(708): View more from Illinois

Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?

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(310): View more from California

While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(317): View more from Indiana

Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.

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(831): View more from California

she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?

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(231): View more from Michigan

Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.

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(818): View more from California

don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.

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(831): View more from California

Hey, what are you up to?

(802): View more from Vermont

Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.

(802): View more from Vermont

Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.

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(772): View more from Florida

You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.

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(541): View more from Oregon

So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Tell me the dirtiest joke you know

(1-907): View more from Alaska

Sarah Palin

(907): View more from Alaska

god, I love you

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(818): View more from California

I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff

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(818): View more from California

Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???

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(713): View more from Texas

Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.

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(716): View more from New York

the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..

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(760): View more from California

she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.

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(303): View more from Colorado

If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.

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(303): View more from Colorado

normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.

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(810): View more from Michigan

When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

that probably didn't help your case.

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(646): View more from New York

Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit

(646): View more from New York

The facepaint not the blacking out

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(317): View more from Indiana

A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'

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(248): View more from Michigan

Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox

(1-248): View more from Michigan

You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned

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(818): View more from California

I hate you but I'm not in hate with you

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(734): View more from Michigan

Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..

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(315): View more from New York

found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice

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(219): View more from Indiana

I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...

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(614): View more from Ohio

Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

so yall hooked up?

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(419): View more from Ohio

I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes

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(612): View more from Minnesota

so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..

(507): View more from Minnesota

god i miss watching you do this...

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....

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(931): View more from Tennessee

just woke up in my neighbors garage.

(931): View more from Tennessee

scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.

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(+26): View more from

Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY

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(323): View more from California

The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.

(1-323): View more from California

Did you put it in the freezer again?

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(586): View more from Michigan

i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning

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(905): View more from Toronto

Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.

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(434): View more from Virginia

Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.

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(503): View more from Oregon

After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.

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(585): View more from New York

you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"

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(574): View more from Indiana

its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.

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(650): View more from California

I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.

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(301): View more from Maryland

remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school

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(626): View more from California

and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.

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(909): View more from California

dude i'm inner monologue high

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.

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(641): View more from Iowa

just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.

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(913): View more from Kansas

sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.

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(760): View more from California

new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.

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(310): View more from California

hey what are you doing

(310): View more from California

hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!

(310): View more from California

i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

its not stalking. its research.

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(443): View more from Maryland

party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there

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(757): View more from Virginia

i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.

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(813): View more from Florida

So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?

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(720): View more from Colorado

There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"

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(304): View more from West Virginia

you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC

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(915): View more from Texas

dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop

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(919): View more from North Carolina

The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.

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(806): View more from Texas

Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.

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(586): View more from Michigan

This girl is very crazy

(586): View more from Michigan

She's one of those compassionate ppl

(586): View more from Michigan

So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.

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(734): View more from Michigan

TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny

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(518): View more from New York

Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.

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(845): View more from New York

I feel like our house is getting pulled over.

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(773): View more from Illinois

SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.

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(519): View more from Ontario

we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across

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(618): View more from Illinois

Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."

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(936): View more from Texas

I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".

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(519): View more from Ontario

what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

in pain and im wearing pink underwear

(908): View more from New Jersey

so?

(609): View more from New Jersey

i dont own pink underwear

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(636): View more from Missouri

there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter

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(402): View more from Nebraska

He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.

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(216): View more from Ohio

She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him

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(512): View more from Texas

Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?

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(757): View more from Virginia

apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

And why did you do that?

(857): View more from Massachusetts

Tequila

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(301): View more from Maryland

roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night

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(214): View more from Texas

If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.

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(619): View more from California

His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.

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(213): View more from California

I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.

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(239): View more from Florida

At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.

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(858): View more from California

You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.

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(317): View more from Indiana

If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.

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(301): View more from Maryland

The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"

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(847): View more from Illinois

better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say

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(925): View more from California

I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible

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(713): View more from Texas

I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.

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(310): View more from California

you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me

(847): View more from Illinois

No promises.

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(567): View more from Ohio

I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..

(1-567): View more from Ohio

How so?

(567): View more from Ohio

Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.

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(703): View more from Virginia

So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.

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(949): View more from California

Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw

(281): View more from Texas

I love Texas.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I think I died a long time ago.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.

(513): View more from Ohio

I stole a bike. Here's a pic

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(503): View more from Oregon

Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped

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(479): View more from Arkansas

there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express

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(585): View more from New York

with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible

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(239): View more from Florida

I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling

(1-239): View more from Florida

You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?

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(408): View more from California

I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible

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(626): View more from California

There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.

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(443): View more from Maryland

There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.

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(650): View more from California

i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?

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(631): View more from New York

Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

you don't.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics

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(203): View more from Connecticut

if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening

(508): View more from Massachusetts

yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop

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(905): View more from Toronto

Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language

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(630): View more from Illinois

We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles

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(801): View more from Utah

You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing

(612): View more from Minnesota

could be more

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

absolutely not

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(+35): View more from

i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.

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(330): View more from Ohio

would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.

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(845): View more from New York

Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?

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(816): View more from Missouri

She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.

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(914): View more from New York

Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class

(1-914): View more from New York

that is WHY your in summer classes

(914): View more from New York

worth it

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(702): View more from Nevada

My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story

(702): View more from Nevada

they all just nodded

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(586): View more from Michigan

so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside

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(845): View more from New York

all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed

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(216): View more from Ohio

Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...

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(303): View more from Colorado

And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?

(1-303): View more from Colorado

That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence

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(713): View more from Texas

How bad was it?

(1-713): View more from Texas

You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth

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(704): View more from North Carolina

And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.

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(972): View more from Texas

he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.

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(951): View more from California

Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?

(949): View more from California

Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.

(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm moving there. Get me hired.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'

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(404): View more from Georgia

A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky

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(+02): View more from

Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies

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(856): View more from New Jersey

My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?

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(757): View more from Virginia

You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"

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(813): View more from Florida

We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Hookers taste better with whip cream

(816): View more from Missouri

Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too

(417): View more from Missouri

Fair enough

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(210): View more from Texas

Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country

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(949): View more from California

it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable

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(314): View more from Missouri

I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.

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(845): View more from New York

So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim

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(815): View more from Illinois

you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth

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(402): View more from Nebraska

The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I love tequila.

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(614): View more from Ohio

If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes

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(101): View more from

Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me

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(847): View more from Illinois

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?

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(219): View more from Indiana

THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.

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(972): View more from Texas

I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.

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(713): View more from Texas

Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on

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(678): View more from Georgia

Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

My vibrator challenges you to a duel.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home

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(970): View more from Colorado

Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Walk of Shame time yet?

(1+44): View more from

Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?

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(626): View more from California

Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

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(607): View more from New York

haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.

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(703): View more from Virginia

As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

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(423): View more from Tennessee

my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg

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(732): View more from New Jersey

he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.

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(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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(816): View more from Missouri

I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.

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(530): View more from California

I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite

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(905): View more from Toronto

Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..

(1-905): View more from Toronto

With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(631): View more from New York

im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies

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(347): View more from New York

I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you

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(562): View more from California

the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

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(847): View more from Illinois

So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

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(212): View more from New York

ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

(1-212): View more from New York

this is Aaron, hi

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(301): View more from Maryland

i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

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(310): View more from California

i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."

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(256): View more from Alabama

Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

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(540): View more from Virginia

he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

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(313): View more from Michigan

So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.

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(850): View more from Florida

hey. who tried to drive me home last night?

(904): View more from Florida

not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?

(850): View more from Florida

i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.

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(714): View more from California

Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back

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(630): View more from Illinois

all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

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(219): View more from Indiana

Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

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(760): View more from California

I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over

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(773): View more from Illinois

Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal

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(908): View more from New Jersey

did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom

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(905): View more from Toronto

so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer

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(972): View more from Texas

I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.

(1-972): View more from Texas

I want to be a cop.

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(916): View more from California

So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?

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(770): View more from Georgia

I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti

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(406): View more from Montana

my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(704): View more from North Carolina

One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(315): View more from New York

Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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(419): View more from Ohio

just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?

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(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(954): View more from Florida

you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

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(931): View more from Tennessee

my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.

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(619): View more from California

Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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(240): View more from Maryland

Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.

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(434): View more from Virginia

why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?

(540): View more from Virginia

you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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(212): View more from New York

I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.

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(516): View more from New York

my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(416): View more from Ontario

you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

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(303): View more from Colorado

I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.

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(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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(607): View more from New York

Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

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(214): View more from Texas

he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'

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(775): View more from Nevada

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.

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(443): View more from Maryland

We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....

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(315): View more from New York

So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(847): View more from Illinois

so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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(516): View more from New York

im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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