Texts From Last Night · zoomer42's Favorites

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zoomer42's Favorites Texts:

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(817): View more from Texas

I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.

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(716): View more from New York

I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart

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(816): View more from Missouri

Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.

(816): View more from Missouri

...... wtf.

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(365): View more from

Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine

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(919): View more from North Carolina

sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.

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(630): View more from Illinois

You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot

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(773): View more from Illinois

Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.

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(303): View more from Colorado

She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often

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(303): View more from Colorado

That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.

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(305): View more from Florida

nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night

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(303): View more from Colorado

You made eat vitamins until I threw up

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(443): View more from Maryland

she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.

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(313): View more from Michigan

remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall

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(801): View more from Utah

He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"

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(708): View more from Illinois

youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer

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(909): View more from California

The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."

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(352): View more from Florida

She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"

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(816): View more from Missouri

That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

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(850): View more from Florida

it's great music for shaving your balls

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.

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(818): View more from California

two words...techno handjob

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(979): View more from Texas

We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.

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(256): View more from Alabama

You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

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(917): View more from New York City

M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

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(806): View more from Texas

All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"

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(786): View more from Florida

He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?

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(513): View more from Ohio

he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony

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(928): View more from Arizona

I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"

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(630): View more from Illinois

everybody makes mistakes

(1-630): View more from Illinois

i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances

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(714): View more from California

Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.

(562): View more from California

You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.

(714): View more from California

Well someones bitter they didn't get any.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

He just wants an even tan

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(702): View more from Nevada

she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.

(702): View more from Nevada

now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.

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(408): View more from California

It's chlamydia! Thank God!

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(410): View more from Maryland

She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.

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(818): View more from California

I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Umm you met him three days ago....

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I said what I said

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(940): View more from Texas

Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night

(1-940): View more from Texas

I don't have a cat..?

(940): View more from Texas

Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.

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(407): View more from Florida

we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i dont know what to do

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

with your life?

(732): View more from New Jersey

no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3

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(253): View more from Washington

Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.

(1-253): View more from Washington

What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

there were a lot.

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(251): View more from Alabama

Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.

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(607): View more from New York

My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.

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(404): View more from Georgia

His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.

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(513): View more from Ohio

she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."

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(662): View more from Mississippi

looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme

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(740): View more from Ohio

There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"

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(949): View more from California

hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk

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(308): View more from Nebraska

What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?

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(519): View more from Ontario

my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer

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(765): View more from Indiana

I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it

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(907): View more from Alaska

You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.

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(641): View more from Iowa

just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now

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(513): View more from Ohio

im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know

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(850): View more from Florida

She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize

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(+33): View more from France

On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."

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(740): View more from Ohio

I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake

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(816): View more from Missouri

She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?

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(515): View more from Iowa

So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.

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(585): View more from New York

Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny

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(503): View more from Oregon

Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on

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(207): View more from Maine

you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand

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(905): View more from Ontario

It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner

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(701): View more from North Dakota

For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.

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(817): View more from Texas

Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.

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(425): View more from Washington

oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog

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(440): View more from Ohio

Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"

(1-440): View more from Ohio

Perfectly normal.

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(916): View more from California

Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.

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(+49): View more from Germany

They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!

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(765): View more from Indiana

he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.

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(334): View more from Alabama

This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

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(519): View more from Ontario

My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"

(1-519): View more from Ontario

I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.

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(716): View more from New York

kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year

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(313): View more from Michigan

The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.

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(561): View more from Florida

so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same

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(253): View more from Washington

Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.

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(520): View more from Arizona

In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.

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(650): View more from California

an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?

(774): View more from Massachusetts

Someone just got laid.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!

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(615): View more from Tennessee

im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.

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(863): View more from Florida

I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good

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(660): View more from Missouri

THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.

(816): View more from Missouri

..So we should take it off Youtube?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea

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(219): View more from Indiana

By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone

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(630): View more from Illinois

The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.

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(914): View more from New York

I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.

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(630): View more from Illinois

slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.

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(217): View more from Illinois

The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.

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(561): View more from Florida

I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"

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(219): View more from Indiana

She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.

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(443): View more from Maryland

its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike

(303): View more from Colorado

you still have morals?

(443): View more from Maryland

Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole

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(281): View more from Texas

Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.

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(480): View more from Arizona

West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH

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(208): View more from Idaho

know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing

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(716): View more from New York

she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"

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(763): View more from Minnesota

The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.

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(+47): View more from Norway

i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.

(410): View more from Maryland

engineering majors are such efficient drunks.

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(289): View more from Ontario

So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already

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(618): View more from Illinois

i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.

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(407): View more from Florida

I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.

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(585): View more from New York

Why was I handcuffed to the roof?

(518): View more from New York

It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.

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(330): View more from Ohio

why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?

(1-330): View more from Ohio

she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.

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(516): View more from New York

I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this

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(281): View more from Texas

I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Don't worry. I has chaperone.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."

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(206): View more from Washington

I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians

(503): View more from Oregon

How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?

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(607): View more from New York

do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old

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(614): View more from Ohio

Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila

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(586): View more from Michigan

conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.

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(512): View more from Texas

The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?

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(561): View more from Florida

This is the prime rib incident all over again

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(573): View more from Missouri

i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella

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(510): View more from California

you told grandpa to call you daddy

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(352): View more from Florida

Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.

(1-352): View more from Florida

What?

(352): View more from Florida

Just dont open the beer drawer.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop

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(425): View more from Washington

if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you

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(314): View more from Missouri

There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.

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(360): View more from Washington

I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.

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(712): View more from Iowa

The police scanner is talking about you again....

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(615): View more from Tennessee

is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?

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(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Hey man your outta milk

(541): View more from Oregon

How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!

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(469): View more from Texas

Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.

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(561): View more from Florida

Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?

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(248): View more from Michigan

So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in

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(540): View more from Virginia

I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.

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(404): View more from Georgia

just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING

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(443): View more from Maryland

There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.

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(618): View more from Illinois

It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.

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(406): View more from Montana

Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore

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(917): View more from New York City

I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"

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(734): View more from Michigan

I wish I had a frozen water bed.

(253): View more from Washington

best. idea. ever.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW

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(443): View more from Maryland

He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

(508): View more from Massachusetts

what was i wearing?

(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

you are both the best and worst wingman ever.

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(404): View more from Georgia

They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass

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(347): View more from New York

Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....

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(315): View more from New York

He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender

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(316): View more from Kansas

toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.

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(772): View more from Florida

Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...

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(716): View more from New York

One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.

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(440): View more from Ohio

New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."

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(516): View more from New York

we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan

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(650): View more from California

Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.

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(419): View more from Ohio

It'd be like medium rare by now.

(1-419): View more from Ohio

I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.

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(813): View more from Florida

right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.

(1-813): View more from Florida

only on the fourth of july.

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(516): View more from New York

I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done

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(619): View more from California

he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

No thats like a top 10

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(425): View more from Washington

her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.

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(850): View more from Florida

I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.

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(562): View more from California

the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

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(727): View more from Florida

Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?

(1-727): View more from Florida

I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

like hot dogs and buns.

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(678): View more from Georgia

his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.

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(614): View more from Ohio

No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations

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(269): View more from Michigan

So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.

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(561): View more from Florida

The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.

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(313): View more from Michigan

sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework

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(410): View more from Maryland

forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this

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(404): View more from Georgia

They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.

(618): View more from Illinois

Disappointment?

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(224): View more from Illinois

I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.

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(620): View more from Kansas

It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"

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(712): View more from Iowa

Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.

(714): View more from California

Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."

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(303): View more from Colorado

im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

that was a mass text, wasnt it?

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(417): View more from Missouri

I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time

(732): View more from New Jersey

no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.

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(631): View more from New York

I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.

(631): View more from New York

Cruelly.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina

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(720): View more from Colorado

New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?

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(425): View more from Washington

couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school

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(757): View more from Virginia

And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."

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(352): View more from Florida

I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.

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(734): View more from Michigan

i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light

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(516): View more from New York

You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.

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(980): View more from North Carolina

You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...

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(317): View more from Indiana

What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?

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(315): View more from New York

we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch

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(315): View more from New York

She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.

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(706): View more from Georgia

He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times

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(985): View more from Louisiana

when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(516): View more from New York

my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina

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(949): View more from California

When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.

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(661): View more from California

aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet

(623): View more from Arizona

And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs

(661): View more from California

Exactly.

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(251): View more from Alabama

He managed to light the Jello on fire...

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(910): View more from North Carolina

So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?

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(917): View more from New York City

Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?

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(564): View more from Washington

He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns

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(214): View more from Texas

It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying

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(314): View more from Missouri

You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.

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(916): View more from California

day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.

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(513): View more from Ohio

She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....

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(305): View more from Florida

I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.

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(785): View more from Kansas

So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.

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(858): View more from California

It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.

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(207): View more from Maine

reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face

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(513): View more from Ohio

Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.

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(415): View more from California

dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.

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(905): View more from Ontario

i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.

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(954): View more from Florida

tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?

(1-954): View more from Florida

Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.

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(323): View more from California

No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"

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(443): View more from Maryland

just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?

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(646): View more from New York

Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.

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(301): View more from Maryland

You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.

(240): View more from Maryland

Why does tequilla always make you text me?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is

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(925): View more from California

I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(

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(951): View more from California

So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.

(909): View more from California

dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

in pain and im wearing pink underwear

(908): View more from New Jersey

so?

(609): View more from New Jersey

i dont own pink underwear

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me

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(513): View more from Ohio

just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America

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(260): View more from Indiana

I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.

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(813): View more from Florida

watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...

(863): View more from Florida

Can I come live with you?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .

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(913): View more from Kansas

just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(763): View more from Minnesota

there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

Wait until you see the roof.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.

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(970): View more from Colorado

my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned

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(785): View more from Kansas

There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.

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(850): View more from Florida

Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.

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(519): View more from Ontario

We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on

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(973): View more from New Jersey

had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.

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(912): View more from Georgia

It's shedding

(1-912): View more from Georgia

I told you penises don't tan

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(541): View more from Oregon

Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm full of awesome ideas

(972): View more from Texas

Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome

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(514): View more from Quebec

you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes

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(210): View more from Texas

she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?

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(905): View more from Ontario

I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.

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(630): View more from Illinois

He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

What?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.

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(713): View more from Texas

Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds

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(317): View more from Indiana

she was licking his armpits.

(317): View more from Indiana

asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.

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(631): View more from New York

You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.

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(404): View more from Georgia

hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.

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(650): View more from California

so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.

(1-650): View more from California

did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am

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(734): View more from Michigan

Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom

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(318): View more from Louisiana

This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.

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(916): View more from California

Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.

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(806): View more from Texas

at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.

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(330): View more from Ohio

So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.

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(949): View more from California

I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.

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(757): View more from Virginia

hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.

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(708): View more from Illinois

This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.

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(530): View more from California

you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

And you didn't burst into flames?

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(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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(916): View more from California

We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.

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(818): View more from California

Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.

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(512): View more from Texas

just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.

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(712): View more from Iowa

i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...

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(231): View more from Michigan

We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee

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(858): View more from California

Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it

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(+61): View more from Australia

I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy

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(903): View more from Texas

omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

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(219): View more from Indiana

My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?

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(785): View more from Kansas

Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..

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(301): View more from Maryland

dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.

(607): View more from New York

Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.

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(540): View more from Virginia

my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.

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(518): View more from New York

All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

(301): View more from Maryland

OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

(518): View more from New York

Doritoesssssss

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(310): View more from California

i fucked a milf yesterday.

(619): View more from California

i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.

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(317): View more from Indiana

You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time

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(619): View more from California

woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.

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(416): View more from Toronto

We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.

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(210): View more from Texas

Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer

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(518): View more from New York

she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.

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(602): View more from Arizona

You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.

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(815): View more from Illinois

i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.

(1-815): View more from Illinois

you need to get laid.. and an oil change.

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(530): View more from California

I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.

(1-530): View more from California

fuck. you.

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(315): View more from New York

So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Whoa, Gary Coleman died

(224): View more from Illinois

Whatchu talkin bout?!?!

(847): View more from Illinois

Too soon.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking

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(302): View more from Delaware

Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.

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(805): View more from California

Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"

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(519): View more from Ontario

mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing

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(734): View more from Michigan

How was the bike ride?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.

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(519): View more from Ontario

You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.

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(631): View more from New York

"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......

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(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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(360): View more from Washington

I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.

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(818): View more from California

apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

You should've just screamed yes we can!

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(727): View more from Florida

He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.

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(708): View more from Illinois

sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed

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(970): View more from Colorado

Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(602): View more from Arizona

you'll never guess what i found when i got home...

(928): View more from Arizona

a cake, in the toilet

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(804): View more from Virginia

finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

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(765): View more from Indiana

i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.

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(303): View more from Colorado

she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper

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(415): View more from California

this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Too many margaritas?

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(519): View more from Ontario

Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.

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(586): View more from Michigan

so how was last night?

(1-586): View more from Michigan

got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.

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(301): View more from Maryland

and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.

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(256): View more from Alabama

My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.

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(804): View more from Virginia

just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.

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(714): View more from California

You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.

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(760): View more from California

The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night

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(716): View more from New York

Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.

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(254): View more from Texas

There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.

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(863): View more from Florida

We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.

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(408): View more from California

You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer

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(425): View more from Washington

Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while

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(207): View more from Maine

dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat

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(309): View more from Illinois

I'd suck anything for a pizza right now

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(765): View more from Indiana

we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home

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(618): View more from Illinois

Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora

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(630): View more from Illinois

i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

nothing about this is right.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

How did the beer even get there in the first place?

(734): View more from Michigan

That's not what's important right now

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit

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(352): View more from Florida

Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes

(1-352): View more from Florida

I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.

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(231): View more from Michigan

i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.

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(562): View more from California

I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff

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(908): View more from New Jersey

he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious

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(314): View more from Missouri

There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.

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(786): View more from Florida

i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

God wants them to get laid too.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?

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(518): View more from New York

As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.

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(409): View more from Texas

Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.

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(847): View more from Illinois

he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?

(952): View more from Minnesota

You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....

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(949): View more from California

Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.

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(574): View more from Indiana

You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...

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(905): View more from Ontario

while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"

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(706): View more from Georgia

Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.

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(949): View more from California

Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.

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(915): View more from Texas

when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up

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(732): View more from New Jersey

FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.

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(480): View more from Arizona

He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.

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(207): View more from Maine

my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

my sombrero is too big for the bathroom

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(425): View more from Washington

I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.

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(571): View more from Virginia

how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......

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(631): View more from New York

Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!

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(708): View more from Illinois

I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.

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(613): View more from Ontario

it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole

(1-613): View more from Ontario

im not talking about this

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.

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(301): View more from Maryland

You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain

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(303): View more from Colorado

I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes

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(919): View more from North Carolina

She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!

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(708): View more from Illinois

We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now

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(660): View more from Missouri

My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)

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(330): View more from Ohio

giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.

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(319): View more from Iowa

he asked me to smell his eyeballs.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....

(732): View more from New Jersey

This explains a lot.

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(646): View more from New York

He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone

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(214): View more from Texas

herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.

(1-214): View more from Texas

ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk

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(250): View more from British Columbia

A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja

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(908): View more from New Jersey

how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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(319): View more from Iowa

I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.

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(517): View more from Michigan

You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage

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(701): View more from North Dakota

does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.

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(303): View more from Colorado

If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Clothes are such an inconvenience.

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(845): View more from New York

i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big

(720): View more from Colorado

Welcome to my life

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(850): View more from Florida

some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life

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(415): View more from California

I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?

(510): View more from California

I hope so

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.

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(937): View more from Ohio

We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve

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(661): View more from California

Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.

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(858): View more from California

in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"

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(940): View more from Texas

The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.

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(917): View more from New York City

you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny

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(319): View more from Iowa

I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online

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(210): View more from Texas

I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.

(512): View more from Texas

There are margaritas in the freezer still.

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(703): View more from Virginia

You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette

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(904): View more from Florida

Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea

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(573): View more from Missouri

this study room smells like vodka

(310): View more from California

the study room thinks the same about you

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(509): View more from Washington

the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating

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(708): View more from Illinois

If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..

(256): View more from Alabama

everythings easier when your wearing a toga.

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(614): View more from Ohio

he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.

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(513): View more from Ohio

So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.

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(813): View more from Florida

So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.

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(740): View more from Ohio

its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"

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(740): View more from Ohio

So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.

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(850): View more from Florida

I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today

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(714): View more from California

so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?

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(707): View more from California

My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.

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(813): View more from Florida

Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.

(1-813): View more from Florida

I ordered a moonbounce.

(813): View more from Florida

Fuck, you win.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.

(904): View more from Florida

FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift

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(908): View more from New Jersey

how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?

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(631): View more from New York

Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america

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(310): View more from California

So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes

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(720): View more from Colorado

so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass

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(260): View more from Indiana

Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.

(219): View more from Indiana

You said that last year...

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I love boston

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(760): View more from California

Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?

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(207): View more from Maine

I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.

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(516): View more from New York

The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.

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(254): View more from Texas

Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.

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(408): View more from California

We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.

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(716): View more from New York

I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.

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(419): View more from Ohio

doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.

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(310): View more from California

u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

THAT'LL be a good time.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.

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(425): View more from Washington

ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.

(206): View more from Washington

High?

(425): View more from Washington

hahahahaha turkey breast

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(727): View more from Florida

A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!

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(440): View more from Ohio

i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project

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(303): View more from Colorado

just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals

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(307): View more from Wyoming

So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"

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(210): View more from Texas

it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.

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(940): View more from Texas

nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that

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(856): View more from New Jersey

this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."

(423): View more from Tennessee

Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks

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(205): View more from Alabama

there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?

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(703): View more from Virginia

he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman

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(614): View more from Ohio

mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me

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(703): View more from Virginia

i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated

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(504): View more from Louisiana

How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.

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(316): View more from Kansas

when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.

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(716): View more from New York

she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

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(563): View more from Iowa

I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?

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(256): View more from Alabama

I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.

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(770): View more from Georgia

finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.

(815): View more from Illinois

Grandpa would have been proud

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(315): View more from New York

They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.

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(315): View more from New York

i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?

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(309): View more from Illinois

I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.

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(817): View more from Texas

i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night

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(309): View more from Illinois

Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile

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(773): View more from Illinois

When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"

(312): View more from Illinois

Prob not but she was surprised

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how

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(703): View more from Virginia

I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.

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(703): View more from Virginia

As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

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(513): View more from Ohio

sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.

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(912): View more from Georgia

There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.

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(564): View more from Washington

I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us

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(408): View more from California

I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.

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(925): View more from California

DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR

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(231): View more from Michigan

You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy

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(773): View more from Illinois

She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.

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(406): View more from Montana

Its weird to pet your cat with a boner

(1-406): View more from Montana

What the fuck?

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I intend to get homeless drunk

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(316): View more from Kansas

I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"

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(575): View more from New Mexico

The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"

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(541): View more from Oregon

we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory

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(713): View more from Texas

when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it

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(310): View more from California

He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.

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(650): View more from California

You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.

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(440): View more from Ohio

You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

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(305): View more from Florida

you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out

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(516): View more from New York

theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...

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(519): View more from Ontario

I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.

(519): View more from Ontario

She did the bend and snap...

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(330): View more from Ohio

The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.

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(434): View more from Virginia

NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.

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(516): View more from New York

Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?

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(512): View more from Texas

He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car

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(204): View more from Manitoba

some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city

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(330): View more from Ohio

Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.

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(330): View more from Ohio

i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.

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(817): View more from Texas

My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.

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(765): View more from Indiana

just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.

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(785): View more from Kansas

We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.

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(540): View more from Virginia

That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....

(1-540): View more from Virginia

It was the best sex i've ever had.

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(514): View more from Quebec

..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop

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(605): View more from South Dakota

i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."

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(516): View more from New York

Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.

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(314): View more from Missouri

he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

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(302): View more from Delaware

dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.

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(254): View more from Texas

I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place

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(813): View more from Florida

God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.

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(914): View more from New York

every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken

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(802): View more from Vermont

We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."

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(313): View more from Michigan

Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.

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(516): View more from New York

Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now

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(816): View more from Missouri

dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

(816): View more from Missouri

that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.

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(330): View more from Ohio

All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.

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(319): View more from Iowa

just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.

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(613): View more from Ontario

The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.

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(847): View more from Illinois

On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well

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(256): View more from Alabama

I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.

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(540): View more from Virginia

just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode

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(231): View more from Michigan

Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever

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(818): View more from California

Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Operation Purity has been aborted

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(334): View more from Alabama

just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day

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(303): View more from Colorado

There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!

(763): View more from Minnesota

Yes.

(612): View more from Minnesota

fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria

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(502): View more from Kentucky

there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day

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(650): View more from California

I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.

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(330): View more from Ohio

hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.

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(705): View more from Ontario

How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?

(1-705): View more from Ontario

I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.

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(818): View more from California

I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.

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(515): View more from Iowa

does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.

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(217): View more from Illinois

My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

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(561): View more from Florida

I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY

(614): View more from Ohio

handstands? WTF?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

she was a gymnast

(614): View more from Ohio

go to hell.

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(716): View more from New York

honey bunches of taint.

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(253): View more from Washington

I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door

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(541): View more from Oregon

So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap

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(347): View more from New York

k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(714): View more from California

thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?

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(937): View more from Ohio

wtf. i just found you're porn stash.

(1-937): View more from Ohio

u like it?

(937): View more from Ohio

NOT THE POINT.

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(818): View more from California

Jake died.

(310): View more from California

WTF????????? That's how you tell me????

(818): View more from California

Oops typo. Jake cried.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.

(376): View more from

you are insane

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(734): View more from Michigan

So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.

(810): View more from Michigan

You're 20.

(734): View more from Michigan

IT'S BUILD A BEAR!

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(703): View more from Virginia

swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

(202): View more from Washington, DC

buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.

(612): View more from Minnesota

only room for one pussy in that bed.

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(314): View more from Missouri

My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig

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(503): View more from Oregon

you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt

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(845): View more from New York

I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring

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(516): View more from New York

i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes

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(214): View more from Texas

Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man

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(631): View more from New York

conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.

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(917): View more from New York City

this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in

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(404): View more from Georgia

Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.

(305): View more from Florida

Did you save them?

(404): View more from Georgia

Who?

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(303): View more from Colorado

It smells like weed.

(720): View more from Colorado

We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.

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(949): View more from California

i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit

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(985): View more from Louisiana

The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

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(315): View more from New York

My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning

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(703): View more from Virginia

Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone

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(773): View more from Illinois

before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Odds of those being real?

(614): View more from Ohio

One in who gives a fuck

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(540): View more from Virginia

just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i dont even know how to be here

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(815): View more from Illinois

Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

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(718): View more from New York

At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.

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(586): View more from Michigan

You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"

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(305): View more from Florida

I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?

(1-305): View more from Florida

Seriously?

(305): View more from Florida

100%

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(859): View more from Kentucky

So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed

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(615): View more from Tennessee

i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat

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(952): View more from Minnesota

You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air

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(714): View more from California

OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign

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(586): View more from Michigan

a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.

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(801): View more from Utah

Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

(713): View more from Texas

lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.

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(317): View more from Indiana

he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed

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(904): View more from Florida

We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple

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(775): View more from Nevada

Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?

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(+82): View more from

I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.

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(416): View more from Ontario

Thursdays are my worst days

(1-416): View more from Ontario

but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?

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(559): View more from California

if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean

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(905): View more from Toronto

Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke

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(312): View more from Illinois

I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr

(269): View more from Michigan

Wat???

(312): View more from Illinois

U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender

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(323): View more from California

I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.

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(407): View more from Florida

So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"

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(+44): View more from England

I just gift wrapped bread.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

We named our party play list daddy issues

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(515): View more from Iowa

just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.

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(317): View more from Indiana

i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.

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(415): View more from California

I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?

(512): View more from Texas

Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.

(415): View more from California

Watch for tornadoes.

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(925): View more from California

I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker

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(914): View more from New York

Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself

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(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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(630): View more from Illinois

it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries

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(304): View more from West Virginia

hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning

(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk

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(360): View more from Washington

drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(858): View more from California

I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.

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(305): View more from Florida

She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.

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(607): View more from New York

Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Acid is not a monday night drug

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(718): View more from New York

i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.

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(602): View more from Arizona

you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!

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(516): View more from New York

You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online

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(360): View more from Washington

there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am

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(408): View more from California

No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.

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(213): View more from California

I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.

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(559): View more from California

Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.

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(530): View more from California

How is Miami?

(954): View more from Florida

Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln

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(952): View more from Minnesota

well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.

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(417): View more from Missouri

He has such a weird drunk-voice.

(1-417): View more from Missouri

dude, he's deaf.

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(217): View more from Illinois

just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

no his phone, idiot.

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(616): View more from Michigan

when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.

(248): View more from Michigan

who is this?

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(703): View more from Virginia

so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.

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(585): View more from New York

she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over

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(229): View more from Georgia

please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I just snuked. Sneezed and puked

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(805): View more from California

found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.

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(848): View more from New Jersey

a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving

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(323): View more from California

She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.

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(850): View more from Florida

this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen

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(541): View more from Oregon

at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking

(1-541): View more from Oregon

only in oregon

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

what does that even mean?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know

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(248): View more from Michigan

why didn't you poke me back

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(516): View more from New York

Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you

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(281): View more from Texas

I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him

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(210): View more from Texas

life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.

(210): View more from Texas

i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."

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(914): View more from New York

I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

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(251): View more from Alabama

Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"

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(727): View more from Florida

writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.

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(989): View more from Michigan

News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.

(1-989): View more from Michigan

Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.

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(546): View more from

Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.

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(310): View more from California

if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted

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(304): View more from West Virginia

yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo

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(734): View more from Michigan

Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I can't watch pbs sober anymore

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed

(787): View more from Puerto Rico

you smoke with your eyes?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

you guys were way drunker than both of me

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(917): View more from New York City

My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.

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(509): View more from Washington

Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.

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(702): View more from Nevada

grinding to god bless the USA? really?

(860): View more from Connecticut

shut up

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

i'm going to rape that little man

(414): View more from Wisconsin

omg not your brother

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(574): View more from Indiana

i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come

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(440): View more from Ohio

i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth

(330): View more from Ohio

well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth

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(305): View more from Florida

Party in the USA is so catchy!

(863): View more from Florida

Yea, so is AIDS.

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(281): View more from Texas

3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs

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(469): View more from Texas

Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick

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(319): View more from Iowa

Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.

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(716): View more from New York

Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.

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(214): View more from Texas

In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.

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(323): View more from California

I'm being pulled over???

(520): View more from Arizona

For what!?!?!

(323): View more from California

??? I'm in a cab!!!!!

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(714): View more from California

I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

(949): View more from California

I gave it to your brother to give to you.

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(443): View more from Maryland

How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?

(402): View more from Nebraska

4.

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(407): View more from Florida

So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.

(352): View more from Florida

WHAT?!

(407): View more from Florida

He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later

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(416): View more from Ontario

She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.

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(530): View more from California

I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite

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(208): View more from Idaho

this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"

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(651): View more from Minnesota

All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"

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(847): View more from Illinois

Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(512): View more from Texas

someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.

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(571): View more from Virginia

i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

so you made the shocked face and they caught you.

(571): View more from Virginia

yup.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.

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(214): View more from Texas

in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now

(469): View more from Texas

Pride?

(214): View more from Texas

thats a pack of cougars

(469): View more from Texas

go fuck yourself

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(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on

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(+44): View more from England

mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.

(+44): View more from England

"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"

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(810): View more from Michigan

we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.

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(571): View more from Virginia

i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame

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(281): View more from Texas

Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.

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(516): View more from New York

If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.

(702): View more from Nevada

Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This is sufficient.

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(718): View more from New York

Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!

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(360): View more from Washington

i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man

(206): View more from Washington

?

(360): View more from Washington

he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.

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(817): View more from Texas

The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.

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(209): View more from California

what is college for if not random hookup sex?

(951): View more from California

learning.

(209): View more from California

i would literally fuck learning if i could.

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(+26): View more from

Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY

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(802): View more from Vermont

i can juggle bunnies

(1-802): View more from Vermont

cool

(802): View more from Vermont

on fire

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(914): View more from New York

i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Sacagawea was the original milf.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I am puke

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(313): View more from Michigan

My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God

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(954): View more from Florida

What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?

(904): View more from Florida

Both

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.

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(616): View more from Michigan

whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?

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(516): View more from New York

and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.

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(443): View more from Maryland

i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light

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(410): View more from Maryland

I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.

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(816): View more from Missouri

My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.

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(812): View more from Indiana

So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions

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(516): View more from New York

gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long

(917): View more from New York City

Thats what she said

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.

(416): View more from Ontario

Apparently you chose the latter.

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(818): View more from California

Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks

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(+49): View more from Germany

i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.

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(850): View more from Florida

i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook

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(919): View more from North Carolina

You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.

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(310): View more from California

four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.

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(443): View more from Maryland

you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir

(952): View more from Minnesota

details?

(920): View more from Wisconsin

alcohol + bed + penis = sex

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(443): View more from Maryland

just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad

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(720): View more from Colorado

My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?

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(305): View more from Florida

Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.

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(917): View more from New York City

Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.

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(314): View more from Missouri

i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes

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(914): View more from New York

Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.

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(607): View more from New York

Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.

(1-607): View more from New York

I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.

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(815): View more from Illinois

yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people

(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would be honored to be that friend.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.

(616): View more from Michigan

Who said I want to share with you?

(269): View more from Michigan

You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.

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(813): View more from Florida

i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

there was a trapeze. enough said

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(303): View more from Colorado

Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.

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(720): View more from Colorado

the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.

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(213): View more from California

I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at

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(404): View more from Georgia

She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"

(678): View more from Georgia

So... What happend then?

(404): View more from Georgia

We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink

(952): View more from Minnesota

That text needs to switch to water.

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(909): View more from California

dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him

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(904): View more from Florida

bring the vodka.

(1-904): View more from Florida

i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?

(904): View more from Florida

we are.

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(770): View more from Georgia

At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.

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(408): View more from California

Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?

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(856): View more from New Jersey

i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Just got walked in on during safety inspections

(828): View more from North Carolina

Think you passed?

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(516): View more from New York

Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.

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(858): View more from California

Fuck U Mike is a golden god.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Mike give steph back her phone.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Sharpest. Poop. Ever.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.

(703): View more from Virginia

mine is 'the'.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack

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(847): View more from Illinois

Farmville is her only friend.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.

(1-865): View more from Tennessee

i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.

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(314): View more from Missouri

rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?

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(619): View more from California

You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand

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(620): View more from Kansas

Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me

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(520): View more from Arizona

just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store

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(651): View more from Minnesota

She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

We should party with her soon

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(201): View more from New Jersey

At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old

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(541): View more from Oregon

I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

dude, you're being a jerk.

(919): View more from North Carolina

sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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(510): View more from California

stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life

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(530): View more from California

Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake

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(917): View more from New York City

Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.

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(630): View more from Illinois

But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino

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(516): View more from New York

Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Whatcha textin bout Willis?

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(856): View more from New Jersey

dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that

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(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..

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(205): View more from Alabama

Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater

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(905): View more from Ontario

MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.

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(917): View more from New York City

you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar

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(734): View more from Michigan

i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

what was she crying about?

(734): View more from Michigan

i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I like you better when you drink

(708): View more from Illinois

I like you better when I drink too

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book

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(909): View more from California

Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass

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(678): View more from Georgia

You can't date a girl from every country.

(770): View more from Georgia

I'm the captain planet of women

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(561): View more from Florida

i will soon be in a relationship on fb

(919): View more from North Carolina

you!?

(561): View more from Florida

me and your mom. i mean, lisa.

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(850): View more from Florida

TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.

(407): View more from Florida

i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.

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(214): View more from Texas

I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin

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(973): View more from New Jersey

this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?

(973): View more from New Jersey

yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars

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(513): View more from Ohio

Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs

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(734): View more from Michigan

I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.

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(714): View more from California

they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.

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(386): View more from Florida

Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him

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(856): View more from New Jersey

just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.

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(518): View more from New York

i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.

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(214): View more from Texas

LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.

(972): View more from Texas

I worry about you sometimes...

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(253): View more from Washington

The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us

(205): View more from Alabama

that didnt stop you

(252): View more from North Carolina

nope

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(972): View more from Texas

it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour

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(312): View more from Illinois

Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

it was average length and chubby

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

so kinda like him?

(919): View more from North Carolina

now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...

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(434): View more from Virginia

just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!

(1-434): View more from Virginia

why is this not a picture message?!?!

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(307): View more from Wyoming

North Korea, Best Korea!

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(281): View more from Texas

what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?

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(240): View more from Maryland

captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

My Vagina smells like Nemo again.

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(503): View more from Oregon

PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...

(515): View more from Iowa

Ur type is ready and willing

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(858): View more from California

I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?

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(410): View more from Maryland

I just found a frying pan...in my bed.

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(678): View more from Georgia

He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(

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(949): View more from California

Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?

(619): View more from California

hahahahahahahahahahaha

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

i wish peter jackson would direct porn

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?

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(507): View more from Minnesota

You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone

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(503): View more from Oregon

you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub

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(210): View more from Texas

eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?

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(917): View more from New York City

you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.

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(813): View more from Florida

This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.

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(847): View more from Illinois

this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

whatever it's not my family

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(941): View more from Florida

can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?

(1-941): View more from Florida

idk, I had a turtle in mine.

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(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

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(912): View more from Georgia

you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.

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(734): View more from Michigan

cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.

(630): View more from Illinois

if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.

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(415): View more from California

Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Why is there a cactus in the microwave?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Don't worry about it.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now

(810): View more from Michigan

I'm so hungover and dru,k

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.

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(916): View more from California

Michael Bay diarrhea

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(845): View more from New York

What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Hm. I declare blue a flavor.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"

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(337): View more from Louisiana

They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.

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(858): View more from California

I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth

(1-858): View more from California

Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.

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(+02): View more from

Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.

(1-781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.

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(757): View more from Virginia

If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?

(269): View more from Michigan

Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?

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(510): View more from California

I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

No stitches, just platelets and will power

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

you should have been aborted.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go

(860): View more from Connecticut

Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head

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(310): View more from California

i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.

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(812): View more from Indiana

My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...

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(813): View more from Florida

I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.

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(313): View more from Michigan

marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!

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(970): View more from Colorado

I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.

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(314): View more from Missouri

There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.

(818): View more from California

Punch her baby.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!

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(408): View more from California

Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard

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(519): View more from Ontario

When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.

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(530): View more from California

No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.

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(512): View more from Texas

you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried

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(703): View more from Virginia

is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?

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(212): View more from New York

I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.

(503): View more from Oregon

Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.

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(386): View more from Florida

Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"

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(815): View more from Illinois

I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.

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(914): View more from New York

Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I too understand the importance of cheesy bread

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"

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(305): View more from Florida

Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.

(786): View more from Florida

How high are you right now..

(305): View more from Florida

I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

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(631): View more from New York

I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.

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(949): View more from California

We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations

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(503): View more from Oregon

Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were

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(954): View more from Florida

I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.

(727): View more from Florida

More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.

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(740): View more from Ohio

hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara

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(254): View more from Texas

I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.

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(214): View more from Texas

don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"

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(515): View more from Iowa

Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?

(609): View more from New Jersey

Haha how much did you smoke

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

4 feet of smokeee!

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(904): View more from Florida

If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it

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(949): View more from California

"it" just moved

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(678): View more from Georgia

Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.

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(905): View more from Toronto

found the other keg... it's in the tree

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(316): View more from Kansas

Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.

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(404): View more from Georgia

i may or may not be watching the land before time

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(407): View more from Florida

so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all

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(248): View more from Michigan

hi brent please bring bad word music cd must most bad word please brent bring cd music bad word please brent bring cd music bad word

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(314): View more from Missouri

he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"

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(925): View more from California

just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook

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(214): View more from Texas

yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this

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(408): View more from California

I think I just got seasick

(409): View more from Texas

you're not on a boat

(408): View more from California

he has a waterbed.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.

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(770): View more from Georgia

That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously

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(206): View more from Washington

And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny

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(609): View more from New Jersey

One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.

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(925): View more from California

I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.

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(214): View more from Texas

Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.

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(607): View more from New York

The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we

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(416): View more from Ontario

The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I feel like death. Did you die last night?

(305): View more from Florida

Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!

(859): View more from Kentucky

unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.

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(917): View more from New York City

Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?

(212): View more from New York

Vagina

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(805): View more from California

she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.

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(559): View more from California

You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm not a mortal combat character

(410): View more from Maryland

but my vagina is

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Well how do you think I feel

(860): View more from Connecticut

fair enough

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(925): View more from California

we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself

(707): View more from California

dude you teach first grade wtf

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(912): View more from Georgia

I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person

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(513): View more from Ohio

god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"

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(206): View more from Washington

imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.

(206): View more from Washington

Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.

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(417): View more from Missouri

So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?

(615): View more from Tennessee

New experience?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now

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(513): View more from Ohio

you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.

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(425): View more from Washington

Hi

(805): View more from California

Babe...You're really smothering me right now

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(831): View more from California

I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE

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(501): View more from Arkansas

i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there

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(432): View more from Texas

"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.

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(646): View more from New York

the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.

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(613): View more from Ontario

oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"

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(443): View more from Maryland

he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber

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(214): View more from Texas

Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.

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(248): View more from Michigan

The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !

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(240): View more from Maryland

taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard

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(660): View more from Missouri

dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome

(816): View more from Missouri

no its not leave

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it

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(518): View more from New York

I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.

(612): View more from Minnesota

May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.

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(678): View more from Georgia

What are you drinking?

(404): View more from Georgia

Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?

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(518): View more from New York

He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.

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(310): View more from California

if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

How come twittering sounds sexual?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Because of Bambi.

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(914): View more from New York

we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.

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(917): View more from New York City

She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink

(313): View more from Michigan

Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.

(407): View more from Florida

Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i have a food baby... i think its a boy...

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(516): View more from New York

So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."

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(716): View more from New York

I'm eating all of the evidence.

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(804): View more from Virginia

So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away

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(248): View more from Michigan

Haym$ered

(734): View more from Michigan

turn off your phone and go to bed

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(706): View more from Georgia

Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.

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(418): View more from Quebec

I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!

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(218): View more from Minnesota

it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis

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(248): View more from Michigan

dats a huuuuuge bitch!

(773): View more from Illinois

who is this????

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(408): View more from California

She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...

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(806): View more from Texas

Jesus knows you're telling a lie.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup

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(510): View more from California

dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?

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(206): View more from Washington

I will die if light touches me.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?

(989): View more from Michigan

By definition I think it does.

(810): View more from Michigan

So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.

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(831): View more from California

I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.

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(720): View more from Colorado

its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it

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(805): View more from California

"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me

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(863): View more from Florida

Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!

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(513): View more from Ohio

I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.

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(310): View more from California

Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers

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(706): View more from Georgia

Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn

(706): View more from Georgia

And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I painted my nails silver

(586): View more from Michigan

And what are the implications of that?

(313): View more from Michigan

Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien

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(203): View more from Connecticut

all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?

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(801): View more from Utah

I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high

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(210): View more from Texas

Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.

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(760): View more from California

For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".

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(209): View more from California

Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."

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(973): View more from New Jersey

My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"

(973): View more from New Jersey

That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.

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(850): View more from Florida

u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.

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(347): View more from New York

we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy

(203): View more from Connecticut

go home

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(214): View more from Texas

He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.

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(858): View more from California

Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Wrong number and your a loser

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(937): View more from Ohio

oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing

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(804): View more from Virginia

VAGINAS EVERYWHERE

(804): View more from Virginia

they're staring at me

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

time to smoke my breakfast

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(630): View more from Illinois

If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck

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(720): View more from Colorado

yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers

(1-720): View more from Colorado

eat her like coffee?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm drunk

(615): View more from Tennessee

Is that why you're texting me

(405): View more from Oklahoma

Yes

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(773): View more from Illinois

i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.

(773): View more from Illinois

SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person

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(805): View more from California

An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.

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(207): View more from Maine

in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask

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(607): View more from New York

I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on

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(847): View more from Illinois

This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.

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(765): View more from Indiana

4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.

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(818): View more from California

I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?

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(410): View more from Maryland

You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn

(952): View more from Minnesota

what?

(612): View more from Minnesota

i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Which ones?

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(206): View more from Washington

I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner

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(904): View more from Florida

You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!

(1-314): View more from Missouri

What?

(314): View more from Missouri

I have a yeast infection.

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(754): View more from Florida

you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse

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(641): View more from Iowa

I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.

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(561): View more from Florida

If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.

(1-561): View more from Florida

Agreed

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(301): View more from Maryland

seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...

(443): View more from Maryland

that's spring break in florida for ya

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(479): View more from Arkansas

You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

You got my ass fired just for knowing you

(479): View more from Arkansas

thanks for the bacon

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(225): View more from Louisiana

How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

How wet are you?

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

Ever heard of a U-boat?

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(818): View more from California

Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night

(334): View more from Alabama

I felt like a fucking code breaker.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat

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(949): View more from California

we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds

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(419): View more from Ohio

Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.

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(310): View more from California

please tell me if i'm home and in my bed

(1-310): View more from California

negative

(310): View more from California

come find me please

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(509): View more from Washington

I want to make a zoo with you.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!

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(678): View more from Georgia

We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store

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(843): View more from South Carolina

This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.

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(303): View more from Colorado

hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"

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(206): View more from Washington

Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.

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(847): View more from Illinois

is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Houston.. we have a drinking problem..

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(516): View more from New York

I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.

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(631): View more from New York

woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?

(516): View more from New York

you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."

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(541): View more from Oregon

im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Did you just throw up mid-sentence?

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(818): View more from California

i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body

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(810): View more from Michigan

I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.

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(757): View more from Virginia

ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.

(1-302): View more from Delaware

You mean inside out.

(302): View more from Delaware

No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..

(250): View more from British Columbia

i'll start checking the bushes on campus.

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(416): View more from Toronto

the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night

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(309): View more from Illinois

I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?

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(206): View more from Washington

Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.

(360): View more from Washington

You're getting good at this, you know that?

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(407): View more from Florida

do you ever just like the smell of your farts?

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(360): View more from Washington

She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit

(303): View more from Colorado

I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.

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(630): View more from Illinois

my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.

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(914): View more from New York

oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.

(719): View more from Colorado

she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.

(414): View more from Wisconsin

are you serious?

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(810): View more from Michigan

You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish

(248): View more from Michigan

Experience is the best teacher

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(716): View more from New York

i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly

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(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

she sounds like chewbacca in bed

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(514): View more from Quebec

Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea

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(804): View more from Virginia

no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?

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(585): View more from New York

Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?

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(248): View more from Michigan

I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth

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(734): View more from Michigan

she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story

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(512): View more from Texas

I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom

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(909): View more from California

flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart

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(520): View more from Arizona

just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Umm..who the fuck is this?

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Oh shit

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(912): View more from Georgia

So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.

(1-912): View more from Georgia

Who leaves their car unlocked at night?

(912): View more from Georgia

Someone who wants to read the newspaper.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong

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(212): View more from New York

yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"

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(219): View more from Indiana

Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.

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(315): View more from New York

I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.

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(813): View more from Florida

I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.

(407): View more from Florida

i think you have the wrong number

(813): View more from Florida

so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.

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(243): View more from

the bitch is dead man

(1-243): View more from

YOUR DOG DIED?

(243): View more from

no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.

Fav 3 1727 955
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(224): View more from Illinois

hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube

(630): View more from Illinois

my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.

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(480): View more from Arizona

WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.

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(914): View more from New York

Did I miss anything?

(1-914): View more from New York

A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.

(914): View more from New York

so we also did drugs

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.

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(913): View more from Kansas

took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine

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(541): View more from Oregon

My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.

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(805): View more from California

You guys coming?

(1-805): View more from California

We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure

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(407): View more from Florida

If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.

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(847): View more from Illinois

We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class

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(231): View more from Michigan

Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.

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(845): View more from New York

No more Irish car bombs ever.

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(214): View more from Texas

I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day

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(281): View more from Texas

He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.

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(646): View more from New York

I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing

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(432): View more from Texas

He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"

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(302): View more from Delaware

just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day

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(636): View more from Missouri

So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for

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(972): View more from Texas

Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex

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(905): View more from Ontario

She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.

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(514): View more from Quebec

You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.

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(207): View more from Maine

I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

it's 1 pm.

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(705): View more from Ontario

never. drinking. again.

(1-705): View more from Ontario

lets not get ahead of ourselves.

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(530): View more from California

I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.

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(313): View more from Michigan

remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.

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(206): View more from Washington

This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.

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(863): View more from Florida

haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Winning.

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(979): View more from Texas

so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.

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(360): View more from Washington

Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.

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(713): View more from Texas

maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..

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(503): View more from Oregon

Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.

(360): View more from Washington

im coming over.

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(607): View more from New York

can we get nightvision for the apartment?

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(540): View more from Virginia

I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.

Fav 9 1534 3104
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(858): View more from California

I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub

(413): View more from Massachusetts

I wish i could be there for it

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(310): View more from California

Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?

(770): View more from Georgia

b/c u have herpes

(310): View more from California

No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm at derby!

(847): View more from Illinois

The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.

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(207): View more from Maine

Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....

(617): View more from Massachusetts

I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11

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(631): View more from New York

stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.

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(313): View more from Michigan

hotel room ftw

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(563): View more from Iowa

He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.

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(949): View more from California

Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.

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(805): View more from California

I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?

(636): View more from Missouri

anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day

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(309): View more from Illinois

Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete

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(217): View more from Illinois

I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

are you high?

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(507): View more from Minnesota

drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to

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(503): View more from Oregon

i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.

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(312): View more from Illinois

She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!

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(253): View more from Washington

just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else

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(518): View more from New York

im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.

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(443): View more from Maryland

You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Buhtt sex?

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(516): View more from New York

Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.

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(443): View more from Maryland

ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...

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(619): View more from California

I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth

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(716): View more from New York

i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...

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(314): View more from Missouri

My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?

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(909): View more from California

WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN

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(407): View more from Florida

I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?

(573): View more from Missouri

pat the guy you slept with

(314): View more from Missouri

still need a last name

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(937): View more from Ohio

Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.

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(310): View more from California

If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Banned from zoo.

(301): View more from Maryland

Again?

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(404): View more from Georgia

Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.

(310): View more from California

So you didn't like Bolt?

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(586): View more from Michigan

I mean a good dj is a huge turn on

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(706): View more from Georgia

Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.

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(440): View more from Ohio

do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?

(1-440): View more from Ohio

you should probably use water

(440): View more from Ohio

i dont have any

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(865): View more from Tennessee

i just google imaged poop.

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(905): View more from Toronto

Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.

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(757): View more from Virginia

There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.

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(360): View more from Washington

she smelled like a LAN party

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon

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(630): View more from Illinois

I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.

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(516): View more from New York

check it out our google latitudes are spooning

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(616): View more from Michigan

dude you need to get laid

(906): View more from Michigan

me?

(616): View more from Michigan

no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months

(906): View more from Michigan

oh I thought you were talkin about me

(906): View more from Michigan

wait

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(816): View more from Missouri

They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze

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(606): View more from Kentucky

how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.

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(559): View more from California

You realize it's finals week?

(408): View more from California

Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.

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(773): View more from Illinois

well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.

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(210): View more from Texas

I molested 6 butterflies tonight

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(706): View more from Georgia

If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

What are we going to do tonight?

(704): View more from North Carolina

What we try to do every night. Take over the world

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(407): View more from Florida

i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?

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(714): View more from California

I need hand sanitizer and jesus.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?

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(216): View more from Ohio

Someone shit on the floor

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(734): View more from Michigan

swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.

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(703): View more from Virginia

While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.

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(727): View more from Florida

what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway

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(231): View more from Michigan

Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone

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(925): View more from California

2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear

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(303): View more from Colorado

these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup

(303): View more from Colorado

now he is talking to a potato

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(631): View more from New York

just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Grow some girl-balls and come out already

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.

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(305): View more from Florida

just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins

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(818): View more from California

I hate you but I'm not in hate with you

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should

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(704): View more from North Carolina

i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann

(803): View more from South Carolina

honey you're def caucasian

(704): View more from North Carolina

i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z

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(404): View more from Georgia

He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"

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(847): View more from Illinois

I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.

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(208): View more from Idaho

you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.

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(516): View more from New York

i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.

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(208): View more from Idaho

i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.

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(469): View more from Texas

you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.

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(850): View more from Florida

I mistook a propane tank for a keg.

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(513): View more from Ohio

she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I just pynch a tree in the face

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(974): View more from

You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.

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(757): View more from Virginia

im trying to make cookies in the george foreman

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(847): View more from Illinois

Rock

(630): View more from Illinois

Scissors

(630): View more from Illinois

Fuck

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(817): View more from Texas

You're completely useless in the revolution.

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(727): View more from Florida

wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

(727): View more from Florida

ooooooooooooo i'm drink

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...

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(614): View more from Ohio

It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.

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(913): View more from Kansas

he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.

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(510): View more from California

He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.

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(440): View more from Ohio

My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.

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(214): View more from Texas

didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament

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(251): View more from Alabama

just found the deal breaker

(1-251): View more from Alabama

hairy back?

(251): View more from Alabama

he can't live within 1000 ft of a school

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent

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(509): View more from Washington

ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.

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(785): View more from Kansas

My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(512): View more from Texas

watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos

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(540): View more from Virginia

I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments

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(817): View more from Texas

I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

how can getting a pizza be this hard?

(817): View more from Texas

when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?

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(626): View more from California

Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.

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(519): View more from Ontario

what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?

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(316): View more from Kansas

how do we leave politely?

(1-316): View more from Kansas

Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.

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(805): View more from California

I just tipped a bartender in xanax.

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(540): View more from Virginia

The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!

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(778): View more from British Columbia

we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn

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(214): View more from Texas

so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings

(1-214): View more from Texas

dont u have athletes foot?

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(419): View more from Ohio

Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.

(708): View more from Illinois

We need to hang out more often

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(801): View more from Utah

I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.

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(760): View more from California

I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?

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(810): View more from Michigan

I'm laying in your front yard are you home

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(819): View more from Quebec

its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger

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(845): View more from New York

felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter

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(204): View more from Manitoba

She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.

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(214): View more from Texas

I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process

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(650): View more from California

dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning

(805): View more from California

1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.

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(813): View more from Florida

Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening

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(541): View more from Oregon

for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college

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(551): View more from New Jersey

She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does

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(250): View more from British Columbia

i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM

(616): View more from Michigan

Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?

(401): View more from Rhode Island

wait... oh

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.

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(619): View more from California

Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night

(323): View more from California

How mad was your dog?

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(305): View more from Florida

My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.

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(618): View more from Illinois

The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(607): View more from New York

Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(281): View more from Texas

How do you jack off and text at the same time?

(1-281): View more from Texas

On my iPhone they have an app for that

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(812): View more from Indiana

I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.

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(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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(443): View more from Maryland

We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....

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(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(721): View more from

That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.

(703): View more from Virginia

omg, i know.

(721): View more from

we're too high.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"

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(864): View more from South Carolina

We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now

(1-484): View more from Pennsylvania

sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

:)

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(641): View more from Iowa

FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER

(1-641): View more from Iowa

STOP listening to that song

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(512): View more from Texas

stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.

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(631): View more from New York

i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world

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(760): View more from California

What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?

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(949): View more from California

so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"

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(613): View more from Ontario

I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg

(1-613): View more from Ontario

so what did you do?

(613): View more from Ontario

I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!

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