Texts From Last Night · cuddle

cuddle_clown's Favorites Texts:

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(707): View more from California

I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player

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(616): View more from Michigan

Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.

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(607): View more from New York

you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."

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(928): View more from Arizona

The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab

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(707): View more from California

I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.

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(509): View more from Washington

My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand

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(701): View more from North Dakota

You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.

(320): View more from Minnesota

No shame in my game.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right

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(956): View more from Texas

You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.

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(650): View more from California

Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.

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(310): View more from California

He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed

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(914): View more from New York

If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.

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(330): View more from Ohio

If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?

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(208): View more from Idaho

Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??

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(619): View more from California

Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts

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(319): View more from Iowa

That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"

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(916): View more from California

WHY did you say no to the sex seance?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul

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(785): View more from Kansas

I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I just blew my weed a kiss

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(708): View more from Illinois

Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.

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(619): View more from California

It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.

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(914): View more from New York

I had to rip your toilet paper for you...

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(812): View more from Indiana

Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.

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(254): View more from Texas

Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story

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(319): View more from Iowa

Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later

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(910): View more from North Carolina

They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?

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(925): View more from California

Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.

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(205): View more from Alabama

My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle

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(509): View more from Washington

While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will

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(310): View more from California

How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.

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(770): View more from Georgia

You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"

(678): View more from Georgia

Is this an intervention?

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(719): View more from Colorado

i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.

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(512): View more from Texas

hey the jello shots wont freeze

(1-512): View more from Texas

How much Everclear did you put in them?

(512): View more from Texas

uhhh all of it

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm just crazy horny about you

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(479): View more from Arkansas

The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.

(479): View more from Arkansas

Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

This is why I married you.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar

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(425): View more from Washington

Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

NoShamevember. You game?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

possibly by boat

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(440): View more from Ohio

I told you he wasn't attractive.

(1-440): View more from Ohio

Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.

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(443): View more from Maryland

i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream

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(613): View more from Ontario

I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!

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(510): View more from California

my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.

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(310): View more from California

My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.

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(818): View more from California

idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.

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(309): View more from Illinois

You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...

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(541): View more from Oregon

Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast

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(310): View more from California

Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.

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(574): View more from Indiana

HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT

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(574): View more from Indiana

he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog

(1-574): View more from Indiana

knight in shining armor

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(574): View more from Indiana

most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water

(1-574): View more from Indiana

desperate times, desperate measures

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(937): View more from Ohio

And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.

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(619): View more from California

I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.

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(972): View more from Texas

I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?

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(716): View more from New York

So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.

(1-716): View more from New York

Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money

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(307): View more from Wyoming

who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker

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(219): View more from Indiana

I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.

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(925): View more from California

I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great

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(480): View more from Arizona

her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"

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(660): View more from Missouri

What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.

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(213): View more from California

you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often

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(530): View more from California

Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.

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(206): View more from Washington

After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.

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(817): View more from Texas

I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.

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(301): View more from Maryland

And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"

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(201): View more from New Jersey

For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao

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(773): View more from Illinois

i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter

(1-773): View more from Illinois

re read what you just said

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(619): View more from California

Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands

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(301): View more from Maryland

The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.

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(408): View more from California

Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.

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(+61): View more from Australia

BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON

(+61): View more from Australia

SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE

(+61): View more from Australia

THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,

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(312): View more from Illinois

I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"

(630): View more from Illinois

you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef

(240): View more from Maryland

Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!

(202): View more from Washington, DC

That is the exact response I was looking for.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop

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(217): View more from Illinois

You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds

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(818): View more from California

She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

that's how you measure success

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale

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(713): View more from Texas

She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.

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(518): View more from New York

Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here

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(905): View more from Ontario

Drinking loves me for WHO I am

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(817): View more from Texas

I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.

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(302): View more from Delaware

The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.

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(503): View more from Oregon

The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.

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(705): View more from Ontario

The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays

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(614): View more from Ohio

If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy

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(425): View more from Washington

I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge

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(316): View more from Kansas

Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.

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(619): View more from California

But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.

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(330): View more from Ohio

The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.

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(330): View more from Ohio

When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.

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(562): View more from California

New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips

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(205): View more from Alabama

I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will

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(415): View more from California

It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.

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(630): View more from Illinois

you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"

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(971): View more from Oregon

He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.

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(310): View more from California

If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave

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(425): View more from Washington

It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.

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(702): View more from Nevada

But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!

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(850): View more from Florida

She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock

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(937): View more from Ohio

The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.

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(804): View more from Virginia

If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.

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(571): View more from Virginia

I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?

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(510): View more from California

You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.

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(813): View more from Florida

Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.

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(234): View more from Ohio

Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.

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(425): View more from Washington

I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"

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(404): View more from Georgia

I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge

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(574): View more from Indiana

I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.

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(303): View more from Colorado

He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age

(612): View more from Minnesota

Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity

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(907): View more from Alaska

You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.

(1-907): View more from Alaska

That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember

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(513): View more from Ohio

And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle

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(206): View more from Washington

I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.

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(330): View more from Ohio

GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.

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(925): View more from California

michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying

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(512): View more from Texas

Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home

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(330): View more from Ohio

Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.

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(916): View more from California

I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.

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(+79): View more from

Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.

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(801): View more from Utah

Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??

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(518): View more from New York

I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage

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(812): View more from Indiana

the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.

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(310): View more from California

i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."

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(850): View more from Florida

Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.

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(434): View more from Virginia

Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.

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(514): View more from Quebec

So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you

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(214): View more from Texas

I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.

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(716): View more from New York

The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"

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(281): View more from Texas

Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP

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(303): View more from Colorado

When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever

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(559): View more from California

His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY

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(925): View more from California

Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.

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(541): View more from Oregon

We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.

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(850): View more from Florida

I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.

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(716): View more from New York

Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.

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(913): View more from Kansas

"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.

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(585): View more from New York

Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.

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(913): View more from Kansas

She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?

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(631): View more from New York

Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in

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(518): View more from New York

Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?

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(425): View more from Washington

I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again

(1-425): View more from Washington

But he was really hot

(1-425): View more from Washington

Glad you don't have HIV

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(216): View more from Ohio

if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.

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(410): View more from Maryland

You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar

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(917): View more from New York City

This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?

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(757): View more from Virginia

Can vaginas get frostbite?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I drink to make the karaoke go away.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.

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(571): View more from Virginia

She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...

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(970): View more from Colorado

I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.

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(916): View more from California

Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.

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(315): View more from New York

There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?

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(303): View more from Colorado

Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated

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(360): View more from Washington

I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.

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(707): View more from California

He better not be in your backpack

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(613): View more from Ontario

but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost

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(914): View more from New York

It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you

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(250): View more from British Columbia

You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.

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(317): View more from Indiana

He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it

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(434): View more from Virginia

They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.

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(516): View more from New York

Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"

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(785): View more from Kansas

I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.

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(315): View more from New York

I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores

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(573): View more from Missouri

I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.

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(450): View more from Quebec

If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.

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(416): View more from Toronto

We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

If I was 5 years younger and single...

(413): View more from Massachusetts

She STILL wouldn't fuck you.

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(917): View more from New York City

Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)

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(217): View more from Illinois

I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"

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(360): View more from Washington

Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...

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(316): View more from Kansas

You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin

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(520): View more from Arizona

Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.

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(518): View more from New York

Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet

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(319): View more from Iowa

I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.

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(469): View more from Texas

I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.

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(614): View more from Ohio

your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night

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(302): View more from Delaware

But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.

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(540): View more from Virginia

The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face

(763): View more from Minnesota

How can a condom be "half used"?

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(518): View more from New York

I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded

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(561): View more from Florida

I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point

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(512): View more from Texas

The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning

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(515): View more from Iowa

I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month

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(870): View more from Arkansas

She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.

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(903): View more from Texas

And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...

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(318): View more from Louisiana

At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out

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(914): View more from New York

I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.

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(614): View more from Ohio

you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me

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(585): View more from New York

I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...

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(513): View more from Ohio

Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.

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(519): View more from Ontario

It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.

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(989): View more from Michigan

This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.

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(541): View more from Oregon

rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.

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(904): View more from Florida

Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven

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(563): View more from Iowa

Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?

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(702): View more from Nevada

This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change

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(319): View more from Iowa

I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been

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(207): View more from Maine

I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.

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(620): View more from Kansas

Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.

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(845): View more from New York

The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.

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(702): View more from Nevada

The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?

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(845): View more from New York

HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???

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(240): View more from Maryland

I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.

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(512): View more from Texas

I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!

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(925): View more from California

I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission

(925): View more from California

Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol

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(847): View more from Illinois

This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.

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(619): View more from California

It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

ROADTRIP.

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(319): View more from Iowa

I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'm your Election Erection Connection

(860): View more from Connecticut

I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.

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(530): View more from California

Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..

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(716): View more from New York

Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?

(716): View more from New York

If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter

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(330): View more from Ohio

Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.

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(410): View more from Maryland

So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity

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(210): View more from Texas

I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?

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(812): View more from Indiana

Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.

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(708): View more from Illinois

That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device

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(406): View more from Montana

Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.

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(281): View more from Texas

She really is something else.

(713): View more from Texas

Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.

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(772): View more from Florida

Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??

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(970): View more from Colorado

Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.

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(815): View more from Illinois

holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?

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(541): View more from Oregon

One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.

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(619): View more from California

If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.

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(406): View more from Montana

I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!

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(615): View more from Tennessee

The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.

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(614): View more from Ohio

So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere

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(303): View more from Colorado

how did operation slutty penguin go?

(619): View more from California

pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter

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(906): View more from Michigan

Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.

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(916): View more from California

Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?

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(970): View more from Colorado

I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on

(1-970): View more from Colorado

maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either

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(513): View more from Ohio

I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone

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(616): View more from Michigan

We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.

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(815): View more from Illinois

When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome

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(310): View more from California

oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.

(1-715): View more from Wisconsin

I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)

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(805): View more from California

not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone

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(714): View more from California

I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�

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(302): View more from Delaware

This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers

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(705): View more from Ontario

Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(

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(501): View more from Arkansas

The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.

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(989): View more from Michigan

These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday

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(513): View more from Ohio

OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD

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(303): View more from Colorado

Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex

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(903): View more from Texas

I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.

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(312): View more from Illinois

i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.

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(509): View more from Washington

We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building

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(614): View more from Ohio

It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?

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(613): View more from Ontario

He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"

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(713): View more from Texas

My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.

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(303): View more from Colorado

trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes

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(503): View more from Oregon

i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again

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(404): View more from Georgia

Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape

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(203): View more from Connecticut

...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.

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(630): View more from Illinois

We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning

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(614): View more from Ohio

You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league

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(515): View more from Iowa

Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them

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(417): View more from Missouri

Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.

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(585): View more from New York

Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook

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(206): View more from Washington

I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again

(1-206): View more from Washington

RESPECT THE VODQUILA

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning

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(334): View more from Alabama

Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?

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(312): View more from Illinois

He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.

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(805): View more from California

Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.

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(713): View more from Texas

Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.

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(561): View more from Florida

She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.

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(647): View more from Ontario

YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS

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(314): View more from Missouri

"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.

(1-314): View more from Missouri

When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?

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(850): View more from Florida

Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.

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(619): View more from California

I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.

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(845): View more from New York

You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital

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(355): View more from

He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat

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(817): View more from Texas

You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.

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(410): View more from Maryland

You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.

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(316): View more from Kansas

She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.

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(757): View more from Virginia

So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night

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(703): View more from Virginia

We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.

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(515): View more from Iowa

As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.

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(360): View more from Washington

I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.

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(314): View more from Missouri

For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.

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(916): View more from California

Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

What the fuck, why would you ever do that?

(250): View more from British Columbia

Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?

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(905): View more from Ontario

It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5

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(985): View more from Louisiana

He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.

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(530): View more from California

Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me

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(619): View more from California

how did you know i stayed over last night?

(702): View more from Nevada

there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom

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(509): View more from Washington

This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.

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(503): View more from Oregon

There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep

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(425): View more from Washington

Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.

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(980): View more from North Carolina

Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo

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(917): View more from New York City

she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"

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(979): View more from Texas

Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.

(512): View more from Texas

That would explain all the random shit in my room...

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(252): View more from North Carolina

A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.

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(912): View more from Georgia

He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five

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(417): View more from Missouri

Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude, they all thought you were gay.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

We are the best.

(250): View more from British Columbia

Ps. We need to take the garbage out.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.

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(812): View more from Indiana

gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real

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(561): View more from Florida

Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"

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(613): View more from Ontario

Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.

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(708): View more from Illinois

There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.

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(209): View more from California

We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator

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(712): View more from Iowa

I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now

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(719): View more from Colorado

Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..

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(940): View more from Texas

She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.

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(209): View more from California

I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.

(209): View more from California

Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.

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(509): View more from Washington

He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.

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(+63): View more from

there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi

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(602): View more from Arizona

Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake

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(904): View more from Florida

My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.

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(302): View more from Delaware

This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

who dressed up as a cop at your party???

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

idk I have to check. Why?

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles

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(916): View more from California

It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?

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(719): View more from Colorado

Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.

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(207): View more from Maine

Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him

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(416): View more from Toronto

He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"

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(406): View more from Montana

Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween

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(250): View more from British Columbia

My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.

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(315): View more from New York

This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID

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(914): View more from New York

I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"

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(770): View more from Georgia

If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.

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(845): View more from New York

I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.

(1-808): View more from Hawaii

To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..

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(330): View more from Ohio

Im coming down to miami this weekend

(1-330): View more from Ohio

We shall drink from the everclear river

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!

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(314): View more from Missouri

He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl

(201): View more from New Jersey

I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl

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(443): View more from Maryland

Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.

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(518): View more from New York

Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety

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(310): View more from California

Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...

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(864): View more from South Carolina

her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.

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(518): View more from New York

Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins

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(917): View more from New York City

Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.

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(845): View more from New York

lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.

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(443): View more from Maryland

My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!

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(504): View more from Louisiana

From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.

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(863): View more from Florida

I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING

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(519): View more from Ontario

I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.

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(773): View more from Illinois

my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???

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(607): View more from New York

I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...

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(218): View more from Minnesota

found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day

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(302): View more from Delaware

I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight

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(773): View more from Illinois

Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.

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(408): View more from California

do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??

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(917): View more from New York City

She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone

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(250): View more from British Columbia

do u know what happened to the bottles last night?

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone

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(650): View more from California

Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night

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(315): View more from New York

I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night

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(850): View more from Florida

A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces

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(812): View more from Indiana

Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night

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(613): View more from Ontario

Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest

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(216): View more from Ohio

Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"

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(607): View more from New York

There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers

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(630): View more from Illinois

I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.

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(718): View more from New York

She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet

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(775): View more from Nevada

Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)

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(802): View more from Vermont

Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...

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(541): View more from Oregon

Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

What kind of costume was that supposed to be??

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

I'm an orgasm trader!

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(913): View more from Kansas

Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.

(816): View more from Missouri

Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????

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(845): View more from New York

I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.

(845): View more from New York

I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"

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(845): View more from New York

New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.

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(631): View more from New York

Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.

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(626): View more from California

you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup

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(571): View more from Virginia

Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.

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(469): View more from Texas

I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.

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(571): View more from Virginia

You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.

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(734): View more from Michigan

He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.

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(515): View more from Iowa

She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned

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(505): View more from New Mexico

did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed

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(845): View more from New York

Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.

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(850): View more from Florida

She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.

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(904): View more from Florida

The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo

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(904): View more from Florida

Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight

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(561): View more from Florida

Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude

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(609): View more from New Jersey

pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.

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(585): View more from New York

Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?

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(813): View more from Florida

Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.

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(914): View more from New York

Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"

(1-914): View more from New York

New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak

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(660): View more from Missouri

People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic

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(206): View more from Washington

Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

You went home with a man in a loincloth

(914): View more from New York

I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???

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(504): View more from Louisiana

lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult

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(217): View more from Illinois

I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself

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(803): View more from South Carolina

this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie

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(248): View more from Michigan

its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me

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(513): View more from Ohio

It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up

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(502): View more from Kentucky

So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.

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(417): View more from Missouri

After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day

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(716): View more from New York

Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?

(315): View more from New York

Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.

(630): View more from Illinois

As weird as it sounds I would totally be down

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.

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(760): View more from California

Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.

(818): View more from California

That was one of the best texts I got today

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(813): View more from Florida

I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass

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(720): View more from Colorado

We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.

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(309): View more from Illinois

But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

Not the worst first impression I've experienced.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.

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(801): View more from Utah

He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out

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(937): View more from Ohio

pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.

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(314): View more from Missouri

We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake

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(425): View more from Washington

I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.

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(845): View more from New York

I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people

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(727): View more from Florida

She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.

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(801): View more from Utah

Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?

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(573): View more from Missouri

I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.

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(773): View more from Illinois

He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.

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(631): View more from New York

Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.

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(740): View more from Ohio

There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.

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(817): View more from Texas

I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care

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(818): View more from California

My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.

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(519): View more from Ontario

He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint

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(569): View more from

we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh

(784): View more from St. Vincent/Grenadines

it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.

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(925): View more from California

You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.

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(949): View more from California

I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval

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(813): View more from Florida

Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.

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(850): View more from Florida

I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.

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(509): View more from Washington

Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...

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(406): View more from Montana

Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.

(901): View more from Tennessee

I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.

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(831): View more from California

to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal

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(716): View more from New York

the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?

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(772): View more from Florida

She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.

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(716): View more from New York

I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.

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(703): View more from Virginia

After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.

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(310): View more from California

The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.

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(410): View more from Maryland

It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.

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(512): View more from Texas

I just really need a hug and a shower beer

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?

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(210): View more from Texas

I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish

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(845): View more from New York

I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry

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(775): View more from Nevada

Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show

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(517): View more from Michigan

Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?

(1+44): View more from

It's a podium place so yeah...

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(928): View more from Arizona

It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn

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(501): View more from Arkansas

You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.

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(559): View more from California

I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.

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(480): View more from Arizona

He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance

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(574): View more from Indiana

I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.

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(904): View more from Florida

You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.

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(360): View more from Washington

ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.

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(407): View more from Florida

Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy

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(770): View more from Georgia

He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."

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(916): View more from California

We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate

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(208): View more from Idaho

I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?

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(310): View more from California

may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...

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(678): View more from Georgia

I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster

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(651): View more from Minnesota

If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday

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(404): View more from Georgia

Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Twice...

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(740): View more from Ohio

I have a surprise for you guys

(937): View more from Ohio

What is it?

(740): View more from Ohio

A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.

(651): View more from Minnesota

It's like the Christmas morning of dicks

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(720): View more from Colorado

Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...

(303): View more from Colorado

Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?

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(818): View more from California

I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around

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(804): View more from Virginia

Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.

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(407): View more from Florida

When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?

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(251): View more from Alabama

PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.

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(703): View more from Virginia

can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?

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(406): View more from Montana

There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.

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(813): View more from Florida

IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk

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(410): View more from Maryland

You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails

(1-410): View more from Maryland

I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"

(1-410): View more from Maryland

The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"

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(612): View more from Minnesota

She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?

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(909): View more from California

I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...

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(613): View more from Ontario

Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.

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(503): View more from Oregon

THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment

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(657): View more from California

He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.

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(309): View more from Illinois

new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?

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(630): View more from Illinois

She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.

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(914): View more from New York

true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"

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(971): View more from Oregon

you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying

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(509): View more from Washington

How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch

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(651): View more from Minnesota

His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.

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(515): View more from Iowa

In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.

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(716): View more from New York

What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...

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(859): View more from Kentucky

No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.

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(301): View more from Maryland

"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class

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(916): View more from California

All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott

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(916): View more from California

They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk

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(905): View more from Ontario

And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.

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(941): View more from Florida

When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?

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(206): View more from Washington

Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.

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(801): View more from Utah

That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.

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(661): View more from California

I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA

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(949): View more from California

Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite

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(302): View more from Delaware

Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains

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(512): View more from Texas

We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull

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(250): View more from British Columbia

There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?

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(415): View more from California

The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.

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(703): View more from Virginia

So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this

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(519): View more from Ontario

You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...

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(607): View more from New York

Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester

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(503): View more from Oregon

Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide

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(406): View more from Montana

I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.

(1-406): View more from Montana

You're so romantic.

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(314): View more from Missouri

How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.

(203): View more from Connecticut

You're perfect

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.

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(970): View more from Colorado

He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!

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(630): View more from Illinois

And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards

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(201): View more from New Jersey

We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?

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(940): View more from Texas

The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.

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(214): View more from Texas

I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."

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(229): View more from Georgia

I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.

(1-229): View more from Georgia

I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.

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(418): View more from Quebec

You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner

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(515): View more from Iowa

Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.

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(660): View more from Missouri

I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.

(502): View more from Kentucky

Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.

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(503): View more from Oregon

There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.

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(881): View more from

I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.

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(904): View more from Florida

The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver

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(515): View more from Iowa

It's blow job season.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!

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(358): View more from

I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy

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(301): View more from Maryland

If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.

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(530): View more from California

My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed

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(907): View more from Alaska

I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Get you some cowboy.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.

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(760): View more from California

Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly

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(607): View more from New York

I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Do I really need this much space in my mouth?

(414): View more from Wisconsin

Are you already high?

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.

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(785): View more from Kansas

We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.

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(904): View more from Florida

Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.

(1-904): View more from Florida

I told you to check, dude

(904): View more from Florida

Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!

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(513): View more from Ohio

Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire

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(320): View more from Minnesota

he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.

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(415): View more from California

OPIZZABONMYDICK

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(214): View more from Texas

After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"

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(720): View more from Colorado

ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.

(1-720): View more from Colorado

Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.

(720): View more from Colorado

I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.

(720): View more from Colorado

I rest my case.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?

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(716): View more from New York

There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.

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(937): View more from Ohio

BoomCity!!!

(1-937): View more from Ohio

You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2

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(207): View more from Maine

Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man

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(850): View more from Florida

That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."

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(812): View more from Indiana

Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad

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(901): View more from Tennessee

No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.

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(607): View more from New York

How high are you?

(413): View more from Massachusetts

I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth

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(503): View more from Oregon

Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.

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(406): View more from Montana

Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving

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(317): View more from Indiana

So did he inherit the massive family cock?

(1-317): View more from Indiana

:(

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(770): View more from Georgia

We have started to decorate penises.

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(904): View more from Florida

It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.

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(614): View more from Ohio

It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me

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(757): View more from Virginia

You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?

(1-708): View more from Illinois

Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!

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(907): View more from Alaska

Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???

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(440): View more from Ohio

Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper

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(914): View more from New York

2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.

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(562): View more from California

I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas

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(979): View more from Texas

I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am

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(615): View more from Tennessee

On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless

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(775): View more from Nevada

Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are

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(812): View more from Indiana

Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina

(513): View more from Ohio

Post that event on your timeline

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.

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(914): View more from New York

The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

10 points to you

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(419): View more from Ohio

So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!

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(937): View more from Ohio

I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.

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(904): View more from Florida

usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.

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(209): View more from California

His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.

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(904): View more from Florida

But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM

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(740): View more from Ohio

I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life

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(418): View more from Quebec

I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC

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(954): View more from Florida

Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours

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(563): View more from Iowa

The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo

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(504): View more from Louisiana

How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?

(1-504): View more from Louisiana

omg mom no

(504): View more from Louisiana

It's so blood brotha crip what be good

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"

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(716): View more from New York

You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will

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(563): View more from Iowa

The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.

(1-563): View more from Iowa

I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.

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(631): View more from New York

Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"

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(515): View more from Iowa

Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?

(515): View more from Iowa

Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...

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(714): View more from California

You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.

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(970): View more from Colorado

The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful

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(907): View more from Alaska

You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog

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(718): View more from New York

I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"

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(619): View more from California

Topless dodge ball cldnt top that

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.

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(760): View more from California

He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.

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(760): View more from California

I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?

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(845): View more from New York

Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single

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(406): View more from Montana

Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...

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(914): View more from New York

probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together

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(207): View more from Maine

HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.

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(520): View more from Arizona

i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.

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(513): View more from Ohio

hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"

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(425): View more from Washington

Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.

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(941): View more from Florida

Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.

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(214): View more from Texas

Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.

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(801): View more from Utah

I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.

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(858): View more from California

I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail

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(805): View more from California

I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore

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(219): View more from Indiana

he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.

(503): View more from Oregon

Score one for dad.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...

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(818): View more from California

Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.

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(718): View more from New York

It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.

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(469): View more from Texas

After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway

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(207): View more from Maine

Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.

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(805): View more from California

Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life

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(818): View more from California

the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes

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(310): View more from California

yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand

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(760): View more from California

We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix

(760): View more from California

THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives

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(925): View more from California

she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat

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(419): View more from Ohio

So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES

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(541): View more from Oregon

Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.

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(516): View more from New York

I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget

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(616): View more from Michigan

If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out

(417): View more from Missouri

You'd think the first few times would have been enough

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(812): View more from Indiana

I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.

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(415): View more from California

White people are beatboxing! Save me.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market

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(714): View more from California

Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.

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(534): View more from Wisconsin

He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime

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(816): View more from Missouri

He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.

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(+61): View more from Australia

As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts

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(406): View more from Montana

Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count

(516): View more from New York

then nothing in my life counts

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(574): View more from Indiana

Whiskey??

(706): View more from Georgia

It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance

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(904): View more from Florida

i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.

(904): View more from Florida

Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again

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(623): View more from Arizona

this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent

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(469): View more from Texas

I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5

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(860): View more from Connecticut

If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.

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(903): View more from Texas

He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown

(336): View more from North Carolina

Oh my god

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(207): View more from Maine

Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.

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(618): View more from Illinois

He's going to be my graduation present to myself.

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(989): View more from Michigan

He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.

(1-989): View more from Michigan

I'll uninvite my mom

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(650): View more from California

My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.

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(303): View more from Colorado

His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"

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(951): View more from California

Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.

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(434): View more from Virginia

I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement

(1-434): View more from Virginia

Dude you were ten when he graduated

(434): View more from Virginia

Wahoowaaaaaaa

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(205): View more from Alabama

My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.

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(281): View more from Texas

A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.

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(415): View more from California

I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT

(707): View more from California

I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.

(415): View more from California

I effort

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(302): View more from Delaware

Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio

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(586): View more from Michigan

Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out

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(304): View more from West Virginia

When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.

(606): View more from Kentucky

Fuck him.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...

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(703): View more from Virginia

Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex

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(563): View more from Iowa

As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...

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(623): View more from Arizona

I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.

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(209): View more from California

Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)

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(615): View more from Tennessee

She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.

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(469): View more from Texas

HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.

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(772): View more from Florida

Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.

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(845): View more from New York

I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.

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(650): View more from California

There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?

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(941): View more from Florida

Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?

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(248): View more from Michigan

He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!

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(330): View more from Ohio

Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer

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(954): View more from Florida

I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in

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(219): View more from Indiana

This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup

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(845): View more from New York

I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"

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(631): View more from New York

I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.

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(619): View more from California

No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist

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(303): View more from Colorado

I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind

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(415): View more from California

I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.

(732): View more from New Jersey

you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.

(732): View more from New Jersey

IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.

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(775): View more from Nevada

My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case

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(646): View more from New York

Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.

(646): View more from New York

Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die

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(407): View more from Florida

Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.

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(214): View more from Texas

Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.

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(512): View more from Texas

Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.

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(408): View more from California

Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season

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(419): View more from Ohio

Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus

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(503): View more from Oregon

You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME

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(469): View more from Texas

How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?

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(619): View more from California

According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...

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(706): View more from Georgia

It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?

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(618): View more from Illinois

I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?

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(716): View more from New York

you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"

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(503): View more from Oregon

I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."

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(520): View more from Arizona

I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window

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(417): View more from Missouri

I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.

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(602): View more from Arizona

What does puking wasabi feel like?

(1-602): View more from Arizona

Like snorting cocaine backwards.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.

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(845): View more from New York

On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?

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(360): View more from Washington

Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...

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(517): View more from Michigan

I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.

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(925): View more from California

Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls

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(760): View more from California

Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.

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(917): View more from New York City

it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome

(1-917): View more from New York City

second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?

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(512): View more from Texas

You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

A BJ like that needs to be recommended.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.

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(714): View more from California

I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!

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(561): View more from Florida

Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.

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(509): View more from Washington

So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.

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(563): View more from Iowa

So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!

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(720): View more from Colorado

I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.

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(317): View more from Indiana

You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants

(812): View more from Indiana

That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever

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(719): View more from Colorado

If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".

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(519): View more from Ontario

Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing

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(+45): View more from Denmark

I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned

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(425): View more from Washington

The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Is she still in your room?

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...

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(315): View more from New York

drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.

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(801): View more from Utah

fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.

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(915): View more from Texas

I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud

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(408): View more from California

so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing

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(954): View more from Florida

And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.

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(347): View more from New York

Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.

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(407): View more from Florida

We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?

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(613): View more from Ontario

Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.

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(347): View more from New York

maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life

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(319): View more from Iowa

WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER

(1-319): View more from Iowa

THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Bang-toberfest begins!!

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(859): View more from Kentucky

The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow

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(908): View more from New Jersey

But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it

(773): View more from Illinois

It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!

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(605): View more from South Dakota

"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...

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(516): View more from New York

She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.

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(904): View more from Florida

You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have

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(912): View more from Georgia

Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.

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(303): View more from Colorado

If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you

(303): View more from Colorado

Seriously. Castrate.

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(563): View more from Iowa

However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.

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(+61): View more from Australia

So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....

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(254): View more from Texas

I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30

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(760): View more from California

Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.

(818): View more from California

Because it is cat.

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(513): View more from Ohio

He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i have an important question...can you drink in jail?

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(561): View more from Florida

You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...

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(309): View more from Illinois

Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.

(1-309): View more from Illinois

I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.

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(657): View more from California

He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"

(818): View more from California

this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!

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(602): View more from Arizona

Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated

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(863): View more from Florida

Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials

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(+46): View more from Sweden

Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.

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(313): View more from Michigan

What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask

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(315): View more from New York

It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.

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(602): View more from Arizona

The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!

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(970): View more from Colorado

Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.

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(936): View more from Texas

Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check

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(315): View more from New York

While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Did he at least offer you guys chips?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.

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(917): View more from New York City

She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.

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(315): View more from New York

Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok

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(719): View more from Colorado

I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.

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(858): View more from California

I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.

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(970): View more from Colorado

The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.

(1-601): View more from Mississippi

Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?

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(720): View more from Colorado

The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?

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(256): View more from Alabama

It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?

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(302): View more from Delaware

I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will

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(315): View more from New York

We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...

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(510): View more from California

Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there

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(850): View more from Florida

Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.

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(785): View more from Kansas

As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.

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(310): View more from California

i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now

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(513): View more from Ohio

It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle

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(614): View more from Ohio

he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns

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(513): View more from Ohio

She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?

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(207): View more from Maine

Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?

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(816): View more from Missouri

I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.

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(817): View more from Texas

Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.

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(817): View more from Texas

Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~

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(407): View more from Florida

You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.

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(816): View more from Missouri

We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.

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(765): View more from Indiana

So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.

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(713): View more from Texas

Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.

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(315): View more from New York

That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"

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(613): View more from Ontario

I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.

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(219): View more from Indiana

He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.

(407): View more from Florida

I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i think my tv is drunk

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(860): View more from Connecticut

How drunk are you??

(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm flawless.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm not a mortal combat character

(410): View more from Maryland

but my vagina is

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent

(860): View more from Connecticut

fuckk wrong person

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

.. who was that for? a girlscout?

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(702): View more from Nevada

grinding to god bless the USA? really?

(860): View more from Connecticut

shut up

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(860): View more from Connecticut

oh good, I think they're gone

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the painters?

(860): View more from Connecticut

my herpes

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa

(860): View more from Connecticut

oh sweet, sweet irony

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(203): View more from Connecticut

How did you manage that?

(860): View more from Connecticut

Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis

(203): View more from Connecticut

lol... jersey girls rock

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(574): View more from Indiana

New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy

(860): View more from Connecticut

enjoy the hospital

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(860): View more from Connecticut

yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her

(860): View more from Connecticut

but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"

(860): View more from Connecticut

but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies

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(860): View more from Connecticut

What did we do last night that was yellow?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go

(860): View more from Connecticut

Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.

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(716): View more from New York

why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross

(860): View more from Connecticut

its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary

(716): View more from New York

i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Why does Jon Cryer have a career?

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

That is a good question.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep

(860): View more from Connecticut

yeah i got into a fight with my man last night

(860): View more from Connecticut

why can't men just shut up and put out?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm in love with you.

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

huh?

(860): View more from Connecticut

Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I can't believe he cheated

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died

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(860): View more from Connecticut

isnt it creepy that our bodies make people

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.

(860): View more from Connecticut

what did you do?

(203): View more from Connecticut

i asked her out. that's so hot.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass

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(860): View more from Connecticut

so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?

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(509): View more from Washington

Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?

(860): View more from Connecticut

Becoming a productive member of society?

(509): View more from Washington

Sam. Come on.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache

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(860): View more from Connecticut

He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth

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(860): View more from Connecticut

he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape

(617): View more from Massachusetts

wtf, did you fuck a retard?!

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(860): View more from Connecticut

but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers

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(860): View more from Connecticut

remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I hate that ur telling me this.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!

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(860): View more from Connecticut

he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes

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(860): View more from Connecticut

my vagina's been through so much this weekend

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

of course. lets lasso hookers.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog

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(860): View more from Connecticut

you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Well how do you think I feel

(860): View more from Connecticut

fair enough

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

please don't let me die tonight

(860): View more from Connecticut

what have you done for me lately?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one

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(860): View more from Connecticut

when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie

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(860): View more from Connecticut

And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun

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(860): View more from Connecticut

we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan

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(860): View more from Connecticut

it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway

(860): View more from Connecticut

That's what she gets for taking his peeps.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

without a question

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(860): View more from Connecticut

there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes

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(860): View more from Connecticut

She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes

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(860): View more from Connecticut

he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat

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(860): View more from Connecticut

we've started having sober sex

(203): View more from Connecticut

you really do like him

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(860): View more from Connecticut

He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins

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(860): View more from Connecticut

im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!

(860): View more from Connecticut

One less school supply you need to buy!!

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(860): View more from Connecticut

at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

He just wants an even tan

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life

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(860): View more from Connecticut

My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..

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(860): View more from Connecticut

There is too much vodka and too much dick.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So many bounce houses so little time

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job

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(860): View more from Connecticut

no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing

(860): View more from Connecticut

So?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

This is why you shouldn't make decisions

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(860): View more from Connecticut

once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms

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(860): View more from Connecticut

in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore

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(860): View more from Connecticut

We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton

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(860): View more from Connecticut

He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I have no recollection of sleep choking you

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I smell like Captain Morgan and tears

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny

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(860): View more from Connecticut

This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.

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(410): View more from Maryland

ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?

(860): View more from Connecticut

Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'

(860): View more from Connecticut

where do you find these guys?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

(802): View more from Vermont

So basically you were a dog.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

peace be with you.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I have got to meet this girl.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

This is love.

(860): View more from Connecticut

Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.

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(302): View more from Delaware

are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life

(860): View more from Connecticut

.....a litte

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."

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(860): View more from Connecticut

This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I remember it like it was tomorrow.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?

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(561): View more from Florida

I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you

(860): View more from Connecticut

I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

what type of emt are you

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.

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(805): View more from California

We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...

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(258): View more from

You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.

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(310): View more from California

I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one

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(301): View more from Maryland

This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday

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(519): View more from Ontario

Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay

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(631): View more from New York

They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !

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(512): View more from Texas

Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.

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(817): View more from Texas

And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"

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(813): View more from Florida

I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.

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(334): View more from Alabama

We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"

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(904): View more from Florida

You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

You made out with two different species that night

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(519): View more from Ontario

I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

So all in all, a good night.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"

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(678): View more from Georgia

Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?

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(707): View more from California

As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.

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(602): View more from Arizona

So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?

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(773): View more from Illinois

I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes

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(828): View more from North Carolina

You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober

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(931): View more from Tennessee

So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...

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(616): View more from Michigan

Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds

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(250): View more from British Columbia

IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.

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(330): View more from Ohio

If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent

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(330): View more from Ohio

I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.

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(410): View more from Maryland

IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS

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(971): View more from Oregon

I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.

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(315): View more from New York

she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot

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(785): View more from Kansas

You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore

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(613): View more from Ontario

I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.

(615): View more from Tennessee

My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.

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(907): View more from Alaska

according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?

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(618): View more from Illinois

I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno

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(253): View more from Washington

He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.

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(561): View more from Florida

Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.

(1-561): View more from Florida

How high are you?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."

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(317): View more from Indiana

When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.

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(706): View more from Georgia

i would punch a child for taco bell

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(718): View more from New York

i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite

(917): View more from New York City

get a pic

(718): View more from New York

i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that

(917): View more from New York City

i want ur life

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(301): View more from Maryland

porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year

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(850): View more from Florida

I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish

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(903): View more from Texas

this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison

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(253): View more from Washington

Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about

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(847): View more from Illinois

Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?

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(775): View more from Nevada

hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter

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(289): View more from Ontario

Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Yea well when i pee it makes steam.

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(914): View more from New York

He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless

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(716): View more from New York

i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.

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(817): View more from Texas

Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow

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(786): View more from Florida

I miss vodka workout Fridays

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(727): View more from Florida

We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.

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(979): View more from Texas

He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic

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(913): View more from Kansas

Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.

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(815): View more from Illinois

She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.

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(281): View more from Texas

threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.

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(434): View more from Virginia

Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.

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(716): View more from New York

I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.

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(914): View more from New York

i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Where were you when I was single???

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

Still in diapers.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I learned so much about myself in that shower.

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(801): View more from Utah

Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.

(801): View more from Utah

International sake day = success

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(819): View more from Quebec

I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.

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(515): View more from Iowa

He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Why do you think she gets more guys?

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that

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(304): View more from West Virginia

The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them

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(201): View more from New Jersey

So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers

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(+61): View more from Australia

only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.

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(805): View more from California

You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.

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(+49): View more from Germany

I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!

(303): View more from Colorado

It's a Tuesday.

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(407): View more from Florida

You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.

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(909): View more from California

Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.

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(303): View more from Colorado

My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?

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(571): View more from Virginia

Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."

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(704): View more from North Carolina

He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...

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(404): View more from Georgia

I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.

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(361): View more from Texas

Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.

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(210): View more from Texas

I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.

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(661): View more from California

I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".

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(330): View more from Ohio

Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.

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(845): View more from New York

It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

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(630): View more from Illinois

We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(281): View more from Texas

How do you jack off and text at the same time?

(1-281): View more from Texas

On my iPhone they have an app for that

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(303): View more from Colorado

I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

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(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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(716): View more from New York

I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.

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(416): View more from Ontario

you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

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(516): View more from New York

my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(607): View more from New York

Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

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(831): View more from California

theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

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(214): View more from Texas

he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'

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(775): View more from Nevada

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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(443): View more from Maryland

We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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(812): View more from Indiana

I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.

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(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(410): View more from Maryland

so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

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(847): View more from Illinois

He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

(910): View more from North Carolina

IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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(661): View more from California

the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're the best girlfriend ever.

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(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

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(404): View more from Georgia

i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

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(315): View more from New York

So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.

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(480): View more from Arizona

We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."

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(207): View more from Maine

cocks speak louder than words, as they say

(914): View more from New York

Nobody says that.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...

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(416): View more from Toronto

BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents

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(330): View more from Ohio

Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"

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(612): View more from Minnesota

we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics

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(540): View more from Virginia

I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.

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(989): View more from Michigan

It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.

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(512): View more from Texas

Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!

(1-512): View more from Texas

Did she say Ok?

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(541): View more from Oregon

Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.

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(850): View more from Florida

She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING

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(434): View more from Virginia

He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.

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(646): View more from New York

If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.

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(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(847): View more from Illinois

so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(516): View more from New York

im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(626): View more from California

Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy

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(818): View more from California

Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.

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(771): View more from

i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

I love you football head

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(415): View more from California

My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob

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(425): View more from Washington

I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea

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(850): View more from Florida

I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.

(239): View more from Florida

that is the opposite of a normal text message.

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(301): View more from Maryland

That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?

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(702): View more from Nevada

By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set

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(310): View more from California

I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass

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(206): View more from Washington

She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me

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(224): View more from Illinois

Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.

(1-715): View more from Wisconsin

PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.

(1-715): View more from Wisconsin

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.

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(516): View more from New York

New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete

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(778): View more from British Columbia

he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year

(604): View more from British Columbia

wow. THAT good huh

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze

(713): View more from Texas

My liver has a boner

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Tiny.

(402): View more from Nebraska

I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.

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(618): View more from Illinois

She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life

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(410): View more from Maryland

Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.

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(334): View more from Alabama

She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper

(205): View more from Alabama

Restraining order pending?

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(317): View more from Indiana

It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.

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(817): View more from Texas

Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.

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(352): View more from Florida

Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver

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(908): View more from New Jersey

And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?

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(563): View more from Iowa

My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.

(1-563): View more from Iowa

I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room

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(514): View more from Quebec

I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG

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(585): View more from New York

just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use

(716): View more from New York

how?

(585): View more from New York

not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.

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(760): View more from California

I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart

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(630): View more from Illinois

He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.

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(406): View more from Montana

I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock

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(970): View more from Colorado

From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...

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(716): View more from New York

I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We don't really communicate like that.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Communicate like what?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.

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(512): View more from Texas

She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.

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(707): View more from California

I wish your snatch was here

(443): View more from Maryland

If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM

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(201): View more from New Jersey

we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden

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(303): View more from Colorado

Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I'm romantic.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Wait does semen show up on blood tests?

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(847): View more from Illinois

Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.

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(314): View more from Missouri

How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.

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(613): View more from Ontario

She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!

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(518): View more from New York

Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future

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(620): View more from Kansas

We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.

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(845): View more from New York

i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me

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(312): View more from Illinois

I cannot FaceTime with your penis

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(720): View more from Colorado

Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.

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(703): View more from Virginia

The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am

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(678): View more from Georgia

ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.

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(845): View more from New York

I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30

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(563): View more from Iowa

Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question

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(813): View more from Florida

Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.

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(585): View more from New York

Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.

(1-585): View more from New York

How high are you?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens

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(914): View more from New York

Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant

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(678): View more from Georgia

It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep

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(678): View more from Georgia

It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings

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(970): View more from Colorado

I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.

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(801): View more from Utah

How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?

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(248): View more from Michigan

We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.

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(425): View more from Washington

Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants

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(406): View more from Montana

Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.

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(512): View more from Texas

I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"

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(614): View more from Ohio

The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body

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(440): View more from Ohio

Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.

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(917): View more from New York City

You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.

(203): View more from Connecticut

That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid

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(845): View more from New York

just woke up under a car ? That's odd

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Holy fucking shit

(845): View more from New York

WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

Are you really alive right now?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that

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(301): View more from Maryland

The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...

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(847): View more from Illinois

He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.

(312): View more from Illinois

So... He's a barber?

(847): View more from Illinois

No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?

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(312): View more from Illinois

My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.

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(217): View more from Illinois

The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..

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(773): View more from Illinois

You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.

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(409): View more from Texas

Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony

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(281): View more from Texas

No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower

(1-281): View more from Texas

This could be the definition of living by yourself

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...

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(387): View more from

The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

This is why Helen Keller didn't drink

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(713): View more from Texas

Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!

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(616): View more from Michigan

I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct

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(909): View more from California

Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"

(951): View more from California

That's just where I'm at in my life.

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(614): View more from Ohio

her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"

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(313): View more from Michigan

he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"

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(513): View more from Ohio

I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"

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(805): View more from California

Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns

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(419): View more from Ohio

She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour

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(778): View more from British Columbia

they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?

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(630): View more from Illinois

its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it

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(408): View more from California

You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.

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(904): View more from Florida

I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!

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(650): View more from California

I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"

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(971): View more from Oregon

I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.

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(785): View more from Kansas

They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea

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(530): View more from California

Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it

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(206): View more from Washington

That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods

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(205): View more from Alabama

It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.

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(813): View more from Florida

People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?

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(949): View more from California

I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice

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(347): View more from New York

I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.

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(818): View more from California

I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.

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(614): View more from Ohio

We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.

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(406): View more from Montana

Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid

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(502): View more from Kentucky

You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen

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(315): View more from New York

Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?

(540): View more from Virginia

Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude

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(765): View more from Indiana

Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I need to hump something and I know u understand.

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(214): View more from Texas

Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.

(1-214): View more from Texas

I love you.

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(217): View more from Illinois

he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.

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(661): View more from California

He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.

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(206): View more from Washington

So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion

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(407): View more from Florida

SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with

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(916): View more from California

The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...

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(734): View more from Michigan

It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back

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(478): View more from Georgia

Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.

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(512): View more from Texas

I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.

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(519): View more from Ontario

And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.

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(407): View more from Florida

He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...

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(650): View more from California

Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?

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(804): View more from Virginia

it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Thank you for not boning my boss.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.

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(310): View more from California

I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle

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(719): View more from Colorado

The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom

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(408): View more from California

Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK

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(330): View more from Ohio

Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist

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(515): View more from Iowa

Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many

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(616): View more from Michigan

I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D

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(859): View more from Kentucky

when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot

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(352): View more from Florida

Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.

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(815): View more from Illinois

thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?

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(207): View more from Maine

I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.

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(702): View more from Nevada

the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place

(402): View more from Nebraska

This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded

(402): View more from Nebraska

Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood

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(319): View more from Iowa

I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.

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(513): View more from Ohio

So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...

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(319): View more from Iowa

Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Those were the highlights of my night.

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(760): View more from California

PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.

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(619): View more from California

He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.

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(519): View more from Ontario

It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!

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(732): View more from New Jersey

A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?

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(206): View more from Washington

You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.

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(415): View more from California

There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.

(415): View more from California

No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans

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(757): View more from Virginia

You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat

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(207): View more from Maine

I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.

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(207): View more from Maine

There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.

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(207): View more from Maine

I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."

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(712): View more from Iowa

I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you

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(802): View more from Vermont

Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.

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(210): View more from Texas

The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced

(210): View more from Texas

The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!

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(609): View more from New Jersey

He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.

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(734): View more from Michigan

of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

That's practically a relationship for you

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(+61): View more from Australia

We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.

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(727): View more from Florida

Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.

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(979): View more from Texas

We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?

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(720): View more from Colorado

I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk

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(616): View more from Michigan

She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.

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(716): View more from New York

As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."

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(925): View more from California

Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?

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(949): View more from California

You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"

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(512): View more from Texas

he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"

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(969): View more from

I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%

(405): View more from Oklahoma

And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.

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(850): View more from Florida

He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

what do i owe you?

(1-920): View more from Wisconsin

$237.46 to be exact.

(920): View more from Wisconsin

if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.

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(410): View more from Maryland

So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.

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(714): View more from California

The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.

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(661): View more from California

I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?

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(210): View more from Texas

She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.

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(206): View more from Washington

Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)

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(703): View more from Virginia

I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am

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(519): View more from Ontario

You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear

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(513): View more from Ohio

Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.

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(503): View more from Oregon

It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair

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(952): View more from Minnesota

it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table

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(770): View more from Georgia

Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals

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(517): View more from Michigan

I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.

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(407): View more from Florida

I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"

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(925): View more from California

He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.

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(518): View more from New York

At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out

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(831): View more from California

i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila

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(775): View more from Nevada

He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?

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(317): View more from Indiana

Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sorry. Im on my way.

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(208): View more from Idaho

He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.

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(347): View more from New York

When are you not under some influence?

(917): View more from New York City

Since last Tuesday...yesterday.

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(585): View more from New York

ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.

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(925): View more from California

At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way

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(859): View more from Kentucky

i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex

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(919): View more from North Carolina

she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.

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(224): View more from Illinois

I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".

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(248): View more from Michigan

My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.

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(281): View more from Texas

Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch

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(630): View more from Illinois

He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We still going to Happy Hour

(201): View more from New Jersey

Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up

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(309): View more from Illinois

This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.

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(786): View more from Florida

hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!

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(519): View more from Ontario

That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded

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(360): View more from Washington

Im 95% ready to shit behind 711

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?

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(226): View more from Ontario

This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex

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(708): View more from Illinois

I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.

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(909): View more from California

It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?

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(979): View more from Texas

Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.

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(407): View more from Florida

I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.

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(845): View more from New York

It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?

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(630): View more from Illinois

This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax

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(740): View more from Ohio

If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.

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(443): View more from Maryland

If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.

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(310): View more from California

Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?

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(785): View more from Kansas

MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.

(207): View more from Maine

HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

None of those words made sense together.

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(210): View more from Texas

just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"

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(859): View more from Kentucky

That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.

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(565): View more from

It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?

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(734): View more from Michigan

Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route

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(224): View more from Illinois

Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal

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(850): View more from Florida

No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....

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(618): View more from Illinois

Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."

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(360): View more from Washington

DIN'T JUSGE NE.

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(519): View more from Ontario

You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard

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(407): View more from Florida

She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".

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(415): View more from California

I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.

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(512): View more from Texas

I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.

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(937): View more from Ohio

No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God

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(806): View more from Texas

Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.

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(713): View more from Texas

do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Like Teddy Roosevelt

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.

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(212): View more from New York

Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.

(941): View more from Florida

it was a krispy kreme

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(979): View more from Texas

There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.

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(631): View more from New York

Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision

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(919): View more from North Carolina

No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...

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(519): View more from Ontario

Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I woke up with glitter in my wounds.

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(316): View more from Kansas

You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.

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(954): View more from Florida

The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.

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(212): View more from New York

This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.

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(231): View more from Michigan

You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.

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(815): View more from Illinois

How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?

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(360): View more from Washington

Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'll always be here to give you immoral support.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.

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(850): View more from Florida

Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.

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(904): View more from Florida

Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.

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(720): View more from Colorado

It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment

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(773): View more from Illinois

I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me

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(970): View more from Colorado

they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.

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(415): View more from California

When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

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(518): View more from New York

I can feel the alcohol in my calves

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(810): View more from Michigan

Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..

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(989): View more from Michigan

A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz

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(228): View more from Mississippi

i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"

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(815): View more from Illinois

If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again

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(314): View more from Missouri

Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off

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(979): View more from Texas

Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.

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(727): View more from Florida

did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?

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(407): View more from Florida

and now there are teeth marks on my dick.

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(845): View more from New York

you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively

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(618): View more from Illinois

I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.

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(786): View more from Florida

you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you

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(973): View more from New Jersey

do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.

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(917): View more from New York City

I just found a bag of teeth...

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(516): View more from New York

what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough

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(253): View more from Washington

We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon

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(443): View more from Maryland

Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on

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(719): View more from Colorado

You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment

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(270): View more from Kentucky

New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?

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(815): View more from Illinois

I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance

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(479): View more from Arkansas

You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night

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(214): View more from Texas

Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.

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(636): View more from Missouri

she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina

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(310): View more from California

She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?

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(517): View more from Michigan

In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.

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(512): View more from Texas

I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there

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(727): View more from Florida

when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.

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(251): View more from Alabama

I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.

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(925): View more from California

She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative

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(214): View more from Texas

So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.

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(805): View more from California

there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you

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(819): View more from Quebec

I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.

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(315): View more from New York

My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.

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(409): View more from Texas

There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?

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(971): View more from Oregon

I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?

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(734): View more from Michigan

He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them

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(443): View more from Maryland

Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.

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(917): View more from New York City

hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever

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(828): View more from North Carolina

yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea

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(509): View more from Washington

I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg

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(727): View more from Florida

And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan

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(419): View more from Ohio

On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire

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(514): View more from Quebec

Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....

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(214): View more from Texas

My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you

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(619): View more from California

why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu

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(519): View more from Ontario

I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.

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(949): View more from California

Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.

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(425): View more from Washington

i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.

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(916): View more from California

The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.

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(313): View more from Michigan

My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard

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(914): View more from New York

Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame

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(217): View more from Illinois

Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture

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(916): View more from California

I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.

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(407): View more from Florida

Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.

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(+10): View more from

I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays

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(307): View more from Wyoming

He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.

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(740): View more from Ohio

You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong

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(808): View more from Hawaii

He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex

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(503): View more from Oregon

Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.

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(509): View more from Washington

I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?

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(713): View more from Texas

The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas

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(423): View more from Tennessee

His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.

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(707): View more from California

I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?

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(479): View more from Arkansas

No that means he must've used the nipple clamps

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?

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(703): View more from Virginia

At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.

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(315): View more from New York

yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards

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(817): View more from Texas

Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?

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(519): View more from Ontario

We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.

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(619): View more from California

Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.

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(214): View more from Texas

You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp

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(443): View more from Maryland

she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie

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(915): View more from Texas

everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.

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(757): View more from Virginia

i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up

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(310): View more from California

Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?

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(443): View more from Maryland

When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.

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(818): View more from California

Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.

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(904): View more from Florida

Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

He had a curved dick....must be a european thing

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(734): View more from Michigan

I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.

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(804): View more from Virginia

If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed

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(207): View more from Maine

No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.

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(503): View more from Oregon

If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me

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(620): View more from Kansas

The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches

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(864): View more from South Carolina

It's official drugs can't kill me

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(720): View more from Colorado

No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.

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(757): View more from Virginia

It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"

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(979): View more from Texas

Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.

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(907): View more from Alaska

On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.

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(614): View more from Ohio

You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days

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(302): View more from Delaware

Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.

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(858): View more from California

Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

how did i know this would happen?

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected

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(310): View more from California

She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?

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(713): View more from Texas

He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today

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(903): View more from Texas

Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.

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(334): View more from Alabama

My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.

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(801): View more from Utah

Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.

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(254): View more from Texas

The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol

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(972): View more from Texas

I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.

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(586): View more from Michigan

If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption

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(647): View more from Ontario

we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.

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(619): View more from California

Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.

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(352): View more from Florida

Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?

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(517): View more from Michigan

I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet

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(312): View more from Illinois

I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"

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(517): View more from Michigan

I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night

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(770): View more from Georgia

He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?

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(864): View more from South Carolina

the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden

(202): View more from Washington, DC

She's got a legit dose of dude going on

(240): View more from Maryland

No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.

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(602): View more from Arizona

You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.

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(727): View more from Florida

Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.

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(914): View more from New York

The ice cream man just told me to use protection.

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(409): View more from Texas

Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.

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(407): View more from Florida

If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.

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(949): View more from California

Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.

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(585): View more from New York

We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.

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(519): View more from Ontario

sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.

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(415): View more from California

I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.

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(509): View more from Washington

And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid

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(201): View more from New Jersey

After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"

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(704): View more from North Carolina

HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?

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(317): View more from Indiana

You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient

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(862): View more from New Jersey

You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks

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(816): View more from Missouri

i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino

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(816): View more from Missouri

no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free

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(713): View more from Texas

I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...

(404): View more from Georgia

I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.

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(979): View more from Texas

I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.

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(330): View more from Ohio

No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.

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(315): View more from New York

I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you

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(319): View more from Iowa

You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.

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(248): View more from Michigan

You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...

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(503): View more from Oregon

There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order

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(517): View more from Michigan

i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.

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(260): View more from Indiana

People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them

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(515): View more from Iowa

Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.

(919): View more from North Carolina

RIP Mr Bojangles.

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(217): View more from Illinois

You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic

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(802): View more from Vermont

It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.

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(410): View more from Maryland

It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.

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(619): View more from California

Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently

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(818): View more from California

She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"

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(510): View more from California

she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.

(1-507): View more from Minnesota

We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.

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(703): View more from Virginia

screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.

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(419): View more from Ohio

PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?

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(705): View more from Ontario

I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith

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(406): View more from Montana

Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink

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(206): View more from Washington

Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?

(206): View more from Washington

Adult decisions.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.

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(214): View more from Texas

I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said

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(419): View more from Ohio

There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.

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(305): View more from Florida

Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on

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(614): View more from Ohio

the wall and i were having dominance issues.

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(647): View more from Ontario

My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.

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(831): View more from California

The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.

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(386): View more from Florida

And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur

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(530): View more from California

He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room

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(207): View more from Maine

Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.

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(206): View more from Washington

I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.

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(347): View more from New York

ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.

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(425): View more from Washington

WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!

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(305): View more from Florida

Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night

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(667): View more from Maryland

what customs doesn't know wont hurt them

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(212): View more from New York

There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.

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(229): View more from Georgia

No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.

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(607): View more from New York

Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.

(845): View more from New York

Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.

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(917): View more from New York City

After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.

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(516): View more from New York

I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book

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(347): View more from New York

They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks

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(646): View more from New York

Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.

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(510): View more from California

It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.

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(44): View more from United Kingdom

I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.

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(260): View more from Indiana

If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.

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(212): View more from New York

Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.

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(530): View more from California

I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia

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(347): View more from New York

Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.

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(251): View more from Alabama

When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?

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(734): View more from Michigan

They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.

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(573): View more from Missouri

ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.

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(254): View more from Texas

Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius

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(951): View more from California

My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room

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(979): View more from Texas

I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.

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(515): View more from Iowa

we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.

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(802): View more from Vermont

He's yummy.

(613): View more from Ontario

HE'S GAY. AND 40.

(802): View more from Vermont

Irrelevant.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'

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(206): View more from Washington

I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.

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(310): View more from California

Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Those memories are both hazy and awesome.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on

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(613): View more from Ontario

You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Why do you have to go to the hospital?

(407): View more from Florida

I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me

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(651): View more from Minnesota

We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players

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(908): View more from New Jersey

and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"

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(618): View more from Illinois

Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.

(309): View more from Illinois

Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic

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(61): View more from Australia

I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.

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(360): View more from Washington

It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.

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(852): View more from

come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!

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(785): View more from Kansas

this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..

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(269): View more from Michigan

You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?

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(312): View more from Illinois

Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

As shirtless as possible

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks

(1403): View more from

That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills

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(360): View more from Washington

The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off

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(908): View more from New Jersey

It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..

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(916): View more from California

Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.

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(305): View more from Florida

he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!

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(740): View more from Ohio

Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight

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(269): View more from Michigan

All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.

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(850): View more from Florida

Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.

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(206): View more from Washington

Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.

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(360): View more from Washington

Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck

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(812): View more from Indiana

Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex

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(228): View more from Mississippi

He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..

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(813): View more from Florida

that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.

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(907): View more from Alaska

On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.

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(970): View more from Colorado

at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Breakfast tacos?

(1-832): View more from Houston, Texas

YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS

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(212): View more from New York

The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane

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(519): View more from Ontario

I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id

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(317): View more from Indiana

On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.

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(949): View more from California

It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!

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(443): View more from Maryland

I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.

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(416): View more from Toronto

ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor

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(248): View more from Michigan

We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.

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(813): View more from Florida

thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.

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(661): View more from California

Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...

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(714): View more from California

The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.

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(727): View more from Florida

josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?

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(631): View more from New York

4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.

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(406): View more from Montana

I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage

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(303): View more from Colorado

Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon

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(778): View more from British Columbia

There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater

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(901): View more from Tennessee

He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."

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(917): View more from New York City

level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"

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(408): View more from California

I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.

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(678): View more from Georgia

My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.

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(210): View more from Texas

no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked

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(260): View more from Indiana

He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?

(1-260): View more from Indiana

Considering how often you blow him,high.

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(906): View more from Michigan

He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...

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(912): View more from Georgia

Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze

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(904): View more from Florida

It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.

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(641): View more from Iowa

is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?

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(239): View more from Florida

In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Jesus...So southern.

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(310): View more from California

for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.

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(513): View more from Ohio

We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same

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(518): View more from New York

...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.

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(239): View more from Florida

No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"

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(415): View more from California

Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?

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(740): View more from Ohio

I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz

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(416): View more from Toronto

We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.

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(210): View more from Texas

i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon

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(740): View more from Ohio

he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life

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(302): View more from Delaware

you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..

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(620): View more from Kansas

Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.

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(303): View more from Colorado

im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working

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(810): View more from Michigan

Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words

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(707): View more from California

She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.

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(818): View more from California

I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this

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(559): View more from California

Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?

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(817): View more from Texas

I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..

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(970): View more from Colorado

I feel like my teeth are sweating.

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(513): View more from Ohio

This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads

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(317): View more from Indiana

Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.

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(602): View more from Arizona

just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober

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(512): View more from Texas

In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.

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(406): View more from Montana

Drunk walkin through police station. America

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(586): View more from Michigan

You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.

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(206): View more from Washington

Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.

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(804): View more from Virginia

i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'

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(303): View more from Colorado

"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.

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(713): View more from Texas

Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship

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(615): View more from Tennessee

When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'

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(443): View more from Maryland

she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double

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(662): View more from Mississippi

He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.

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(801): View more from Utah

Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking

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(662): View more from Mississippi

There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?

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(503): View more from Oregon

I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.

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(419): View more from Ohio

i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes

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(360): View more from Washington

you inspire me to be a worse person

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts

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(908): View more from New Jersey

He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars

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(515): View more from Iowa

Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.

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(406): View more from Montana

I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.

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(801): View more from Utah

She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.

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(940): View more from Texas

I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.

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(937): View more from Ohio

She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.

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(614): View more from Ohio

You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?

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(501): View more from Arkansas

As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.

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(954): View more from Florida

malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away

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(416): View more from Toronto

i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?

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(720): View more from Colorado

me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling

(303): View more from Colorado

Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine

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(206): View more from Washington

I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.

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(360): View more from Washington

You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.

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(503): View more from Oregon

i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am

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(571): View more from Virginia

we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.

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(438): View more from Quebec

My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.

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(928): View more from Arizona

im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was

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(248): View more from Michigan

I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Just invented taco cereal.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?

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(239): View more from Florida

Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.

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(630): View more from Illinois

i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo

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(614): View more from Ohio

He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?

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(281): View more from Texas

Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.

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(01): View more from

He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today

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(504): View more from Louisiana

So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.

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(438): View more from Quebec

I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.

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(702): View more from Nevada

they just started filling water ballons with vodka.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

on my way.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk

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(207): View more from Maine

how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.

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(760): View more from California

The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice

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(757): View more from Virginia

We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.

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(925): View more from California

This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though

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(770): View more from Georgia

The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com

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(817): View more from Texas

My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.

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(303): View more from Colorado

She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him

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(517): View more from Michigan

Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?

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(219): View more from Indiana

U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"

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(913): View more from Kansas

all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?

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(815): View more from Illinois

She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.

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(630): View more from Illinois

she could've warned me his penis was curved

(708): View more from Illinois

ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.

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(516): View more from New York

he has the hands of the vagina gods.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.

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(217): View more from Illinois

So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.

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(770): View more from Georgia

his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret

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(315): View more from New York

She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.

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(772): View more from Florida

I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi

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(850): View more from Florida

Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.

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(503): View more from Oregon

He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention

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(805): View more from California

found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.

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(815): View more from Illinois

you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.

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(509): View more from Washington

You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.

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(224): View more from Illinois

Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober

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(301): View more from Maryland

Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.

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(917): View more from New York City

Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.

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(334): View more from Alabama

You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?

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(917): View more from New York City

You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged

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(702): View more from Nevada

Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes

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(330): View more from Ohio

Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday

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(713): View more from Texas

Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...

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(732): View more from New Jersey

thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

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(303): View more from Colorado

I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.

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(760): View more from California

Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?

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(940): View more from Texas

You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol

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(208): View more from Idaho

My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed

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(407): View more from Florida

Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?

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(954): View more from Florida

Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?

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(719): View more from Colorado

I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes

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(517): View more from Michigan

Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.

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(815): View more from Illinois

my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves

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(678): View more from Georgia

Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs

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(325): View more from Texas

I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.

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(303): View more from Colorado

We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous

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(240): View more from Maryland

Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.

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(703): View more from Virginia

THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was

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(510): View more from California

You did a strip tease for the toilet.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.

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(718): View more from New York

We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.

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(928): View more from Arizona

On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.

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(802): View more from Vermont

i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.

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(314): View more from Missouri

you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"

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(443): View more from Maryland

booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again

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(785): View more from Kansas

Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night

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(301): View more from Maryland

My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE

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(270): View more from Kentucky

The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.

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(519): View more from Ontario

you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..

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(317): View more from Indiana

They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.

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(614): View more from Ohio

story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.

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(847): View more from Illinois

At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight

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(248): View more from Michigan

We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.

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(858): View more from California

He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities

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(859): View more from Kentucky

After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.

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(613): View more from Ontario

We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.

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(330): View more from Ohio

You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel

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(480): View more from Arizona

oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure

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(530): View more from California

Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening

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(310): View more from California

I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...

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(239): View more from Florida

What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?

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(858): View more from California

She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.

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(801): View more from Utah

He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.

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(817): View more from Texas

He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van

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(434): View more from Virginia

and she just brought her bike into the shower with her

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(561): View more from Florida

They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.

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(404): View more from Georgia

FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.

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(703): View more from Virginia

When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.

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(+61): View more from Australia

THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....

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(415): View more from California

I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.

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(954): View more from Florida

I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.

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(314): View more from Missouri

The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?

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(817): View more from Texas

He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.

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(206): View more from Washington

buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night

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(864): View more from South Carolina

we already have meals planned for the weekend.

(1-864): View more from South Carolina

SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!

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(540): View more from Virginia

She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers

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(520): View more from Arizona

He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...

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(917): View more from New York City

u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!

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(708): View more from Illinois

My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard

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(604): View more from British Columbia

This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on

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(815): View more from Illinois

Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship

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(302): View more from Delaware

It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex

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(406): View more from Montana

Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.

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(559): View more from California

Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"

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(705): View more from Ontario

Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.

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(906): View more from Michigan

it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.

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(214): View more from Texas

look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.

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(614): View more from Ohio

she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.

(614): View more from Ohio

I was always good at matching as a child.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex

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(518): View more from New York

I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.

(414): View more from Wisconsin

That's some true roommate bonding right there.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.

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(217): View more from Illinois

not the best booty call

(1-217): View more from Illinois

did she squirt?

(217): View more from Illinois

only if tears count

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.

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(914): View more from New York

I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%

(1-914): View more from New York

He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal

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(303): View more from Colorado

do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?

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(845): View more from New York

I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that

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(270): View more from Kentucky

truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust

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(917): View more from New York City

Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol

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(302): View more from Delaware

the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark

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(352): View more from Florida

Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!

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(229): View more from Georgia

My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.

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(519): View more from Ontario

No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.

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(530): View more from California

We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.

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(831): View more from California

please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom

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(708): View more from Illinois

Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.

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(406): View more from Montana

apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...

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(208): View more from Idaho

She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.

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(214): View more from Texas

Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.

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(607): View more from New York

his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.

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(727): View more from Florida

its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics

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(789): View more from

Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

he quoted the bible to break up with me

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(317): View more from Indiana

Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.

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(415): View more from California

handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond

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(305): View more from Florida

quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you

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(859): View more from Kentucky

The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.

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(540): View more from Virginia

It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.

(201): View more from New Jersey

I am both scared and jealous.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.

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(716): View more from New York

my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?

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(815): View more from Illinois

I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt

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(209): View more from California

I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.

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(214): View more from Texas

One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.

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(386): View more from Florida

its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

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(440): View more from Ohio

If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.

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(334): View more from Alabama

He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.

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(518): View more from New York

Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?

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(708): View more from Illinois

this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick

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(925): View more from California

Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.

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(407): View more from Florida

Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?

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(518): View more from New York

The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.

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(727): View more from Florida

you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar

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(847): View more from Illinois

The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today

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(806): View more from Texas

When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?

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(917): View more from New York City

Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.

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(954): View more from Florida

Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario

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(239): View more from Florida

He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?

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(541): View more from Oregon

Someone in a vagina costume on campus.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?

(651): View more from Minnesota

That's yours. We cut you off.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.

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(845): View more from New York

Drunk

(845): View more from New York

Deyhxbr

(845): View more from New York

Fucaerrrrr

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(801): View more from Utah

He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.

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(716): View more from New York

I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.

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(972): View more from Texas

he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.

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(904): View more from Florida

I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?

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(970): View more from Colorado

going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.

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(209): View more from California

I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class

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(410): View more from Maryland

He asked if I wanted to "hang out"

(410): View more from Maryland

A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"

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(229): View more from Georgia

Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.

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(815): View more from Illinois

sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit

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(734): View more from Michigan

He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.

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(650): View more from California

Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.

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(248): View more from Michigan

guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?

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(217): View more from Illinois

Did everyone make it back alive?

(309): View more from Illinois

You say that with such hope.

(217): View more from Illinois

Is that a no?

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(313): View more from Michigan

Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.

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(915): View more from Texas

Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up

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(301): View more from Maryland

Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.

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(510): View more from California

I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.

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(315): View more from New York

You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house

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(859): View more from Kentucky

He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.

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(512): View more from Texas

There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.

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(913): View more from Kansas

They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,

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(903): View more from Texas

I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend

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(682): View more from Texas

Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter

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(937): View more from Ohio

Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.

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(805): View more from California

He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.

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(727): View more from Florida

Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk

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(630): View more from Illinois

Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"

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(817): View more from Texas

One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?

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(239): View more from Florida

I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.

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(315): View more from New York

He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.

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(970): View more from Colorado

found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.

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(779): View more from Illinois

Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."

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(307): View more from Wyoming

It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face

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(201): View more from New Jersey

When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking

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(201): View more from New Jersey

we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples

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(330): View more from Ohio

Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.

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(801): View more from Utah

He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.

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(410): View more from Maryland

So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

oh my god i'm in a crawl space

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(707): View more from California

I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.

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(516): View more from New York

Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.

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(727): View more from Florida

Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic

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(217): View more from Illinois

I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.

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(703): View more from Virginia

today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.

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(912): View more from Georgia

you dipped you banana in queso last night.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets

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(540): View more from Virginia

I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.

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(707): View more from California

Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok

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(206): View more from Washington

I think I have vodka in my lungs

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake

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(815): View more from Illinois

There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.

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(631): View more from New York

After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina

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(970): View more from Colorado

dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..

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(360): View more from Washington

True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him

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(915): View more from Texas

Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."

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(915): View more from Texas

Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.

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(773): View more from Illinois

once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.

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(410): View more from Maryland

was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long

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(409): View more from Texas

Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night

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(712): View more from Iowa

Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.

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(240): View more from Maryland

my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.

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(917): View more from New York City

Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...

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(207): View more from Maine

Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.

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(323): View more from California

they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic

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(310): View more from California

Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"

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(704): View more from North Carolina

there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone

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(573): View more from Missouri

Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby

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(773): View more from Illinois

His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.

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(805): View more from California

We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.

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(503): View more from Oregon

some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'

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(915): View more from Texas

at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.

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(904): View more from Florida

I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy

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(941): View more from Florida

i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?

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(972): View more from Texas

By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.

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(720): View more from Colorado

If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.

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(303): View more from Colorado

My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted

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(516): View more from New York

I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level

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(512): View more from Texas

I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.

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(512): View more from Texas

Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.

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(623): View more from Arizona

just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.

(623): View more from Arizona

and by single i mean slutty

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(510): View more from California

Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila

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(903): View more from Texas

She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.

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(435): View more from Utah

He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...

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(540): View more from Virginia

we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here

(540): View more from Virginia

you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill

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(361): View more from Texas

As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?

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(240): View more from Maryland

When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.

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(607): View more from New York

Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?

(607): View more from New York

Nevermind, it's in the dryer.

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(631): View more from New York

Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.

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(434): View more from Virginia

i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level

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(612): View more from Minnesota

The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question

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(801): View more from Utah

She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean

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(360): View more from Washington

i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.

(1-360): View more from Washington

oh. my. god. yes.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

soo how bad was i last night?

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?

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(810): View more from Michigan

woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.

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(619): View more from California

Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.

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(631): View more from New York

he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality

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(516): View more from New York

WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE

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(619): View more from California

We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

What did you cook with whisky?

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We started a fire.

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(719): View more from Colorado

She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time

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(432): View more from Texas

So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.

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(727): View more from Florida

I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...

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(315): View more from New York

mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"

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(214): View more from Texas

could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?

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(972): View more from Texas

I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.

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(858): View more from California

for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers

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(817): View more from Texas

He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?

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(443): View more from Maryland

EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME

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(518): View more from New York

He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.

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(585): View more from New York

So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night

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(727): View more from Florida

remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.

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(925): View more from California

Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.

(1-925): View more from California

If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.

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(802): View more from Vermont

You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester

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(703): View more from Virginia

Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?

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(802): View more from Vermont

If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars

(1-252): View more from North Carolina

I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake

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(815): View more from Illinois

I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs

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(310): View more from California

The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?

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(706): View more from Georgia

Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?

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(650): View more from California

Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold

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(804): View more from Virginia

Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.

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(614): View more from Ohio

would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.

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(207): View more from Maine

That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"

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(863): View more from Florida

oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.

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(660): View more from Missouri

There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night

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(61): View more from Australia

Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed

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(578): View more from

You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"

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(504): View more from Louisiana

This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.

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(989): View more from Michigan

He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame

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(863): View more from Florida

In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us

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(314): View more from Missouri

I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.

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(813): View more from Florida

I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions

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(240): View more from Maryland

im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.

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(818): View more from California

The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it

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(937): View more from Ohio

That's science, my friend. Boner science.

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(316): View more from Kansas

its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse

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(516): View more from New York

i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher

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(308): View more from Nebraska

this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous

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(702): View more from Nevada

My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story

(702): View more from Nevada

they all just nodded

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.

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(425): View more from Washington

Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.

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(419): View more from Ohio

currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons

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(520): View more from Arizona

I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell

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(618): View more from Illinois

omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid

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(417): View more from Missouri

how was ur day?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.

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(815): View more from Illinois

i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot

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(817): View more from Texas

I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in

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(512): View more from Texas

I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.

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(207): View more from Maine

He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.

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(330): View more from Ohio

that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning

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(773): View more from Illinois

I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.

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(208): View more from Idaho

New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety

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(801): View more from Utah

Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?

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(214): View more from Texas

You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?

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(541): View more from Oregon

It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.

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(586): View more from Michigan

We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine

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(410): View more from Maryland

Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?

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(817): View more from Texas

If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.

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(415): View more from California

It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...

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(906): View more from Michigan

Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies

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(348): View more from

Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER

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(916): View more from California

nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds

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(302): View more from Delaware

Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.

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(647): View more from Ontario

she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener

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(802): View more from Vermont

he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife

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(443): View more from Maryland

There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night

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(425): View more from Washington

the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.

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(847): View more from Illinois

That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."

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(616): View more from Michigan

A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?

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(443): View more from Maryland

THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.

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(216): View more from Ohio

he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone

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(910): View more from North Carolina

oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment

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(801): View more from Utah

I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night

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(972): View more from Texas

Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.

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(618): View more from Illinois

So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.

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(760): View more from California

She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?

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(706): View more from Georgia

we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday

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(330): View more from Ohio

Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.

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(815): View more from Illinois

im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.

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(510): View more from California

Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"

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(505): View more from New Mexico

All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?

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(847): View more from Illinois

I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?

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(440): View more from Ohio

WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!

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(217): View more from Illinois

I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.

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(206): View more from Washington

Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i am way too old to be getting fingered at work

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(720): View more from Colorado

I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?

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(810): View more from Michigan

was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself

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(703): View more from Virginia

they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.

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(817): View more from Texas

I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window

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(513): View more from Ohio

you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect

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(931): View more from Tennessee

How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.

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(541): View more from Oregon

he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.

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(210): View more from Texas

Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"

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(859): View more from Kentucky

We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no

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(434): View more from Virginia

She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere

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(905): View more from Ontario

I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times

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(903): View more from Texas

If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.

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(602): View more from Arizona

One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them

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(650): View more from California

guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?

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(718): View more from New York

The gym has a pool

(914): View more from New York

my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"

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(714): View more from California

found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.

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(443): View more from Maryland

i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...

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(757): View more from Virginia

He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat

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(847): View more from Illinois

i can recognize that vagina from a mile away

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(416): View more from Toronto

i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties

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(949): View more from California

it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable

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(831): View more from California

Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.

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(816): View more from Missouri

They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives

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(864): View more from South Carolina

For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?

(312): View more from Illinois

I get to be your mom.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.

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(440): View more from Ohio

My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.

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(513): View more from Ohio

so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too

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(810): View more from Michigan

you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".

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(540): View more from Virginia

You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.

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(815): View more from Illinois

i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.

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(813): View more from Florida

Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.

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(914): View more from New York

hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time

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(917): View more from New York City

Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.

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(818): View more from California

I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.

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(317): View more from Indiana

A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.

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(817): View more from Texas

Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car

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(302): View more from Delaware

I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was

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(419): View more from Ohio

I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday

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(706): View more from Georgia

I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.

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(940): View more from Texas

Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.

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(315): View more from New York

The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate

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(903): View more from Texas

I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.

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(760): View more from California

It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.

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(513): View more from Ohio

He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major

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(217): View more from Illinois

We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed

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(443): View more from Maryland

Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.

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(909): View more from California

Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?

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(573): View more from Missouri

Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday

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(708): View more from Illinois

if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again

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(810): View more from Michigan

I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.

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(309): View more from Illinois

don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.

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(716): View more from New York

When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.

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(949): View more from California

he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect

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(605): View more from South Dakota

You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today

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(313): View more from Michigan

well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".

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(406): View more from Montana

As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.

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(765): View more from Indiana

What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?

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(630): View more from Illinois

At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us

(847): View more from Illinois

You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.

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(914): View more from New York

say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.

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(815): View more from Illinois

No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal

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(703): View more from Virginia

Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix

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(530): View more from California

he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...

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(970): View more from Colorado

I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.

(1-970): View more from Colorado

Soup is delicious

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat

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(512): View more from Texas

I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.

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(563): View more from Iowa

She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?

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(770): View more from Georgia

Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.

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(889): View more from

found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.

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(915): View more from Texas

I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper

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(217): View more from Illinois

it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall

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(707): View more from California

please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up

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(913): View more from Kansas

did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.

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(805): View more from California

100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.

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(216): View more from Ohio

You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...

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(407): View more from Florida

I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens

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(469): View more from Texas

On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.

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(214): View more from Texas

She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in

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(845): View more from New York

At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.

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(515): View more from Iowa

She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.

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(415): View more from California

All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk

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(347): View more from New York

Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'

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(907): View more from Alaska

You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.

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(720): View more from Colorado

were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus

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(210): View more from Texas

Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad

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(713): View more from Texas

I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.

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(805): View more from California

Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?

(805): View more from California

and why are they spooning a flamingo?

(714): View more from California

they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.

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(641): View more from Iowa

Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face

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(614): View more from Ohio

We just shotgunned beers for America

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(304): View more from West Virginia

as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta

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(443): View more from Maryland

No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling

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(616): View more from Michigan

Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?

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(816): View more from Missouri

I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now

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(561): View more from Florida

She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

no. you cant fuck a burger.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.

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(917): View more from New York City

No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?

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(530): View more from California

I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will

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(252): View more from North Carolina

My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business

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(504): View more from Louisiana

The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it

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(907): View more from Alaska

I've ID'd the nipple biter.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.

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(310): View more from California

You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected

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(206): View more from Washington

Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.

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(352): View more from Florida

This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.

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(214): View more from Texas

He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.

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(714): View more from California

Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww

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(713): View more from Texas

the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering

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(619): View more from California

She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead

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(206): View more from Washington

do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"

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(914): View more from New York

Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.

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(520): View more from Arizona

hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.

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(408): View more from California

By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.

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(904): View more from Florida

I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....

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(585): View more from New York

i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold

(1-585): View more from New York

hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country

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(208): View more from Idaho

Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.

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(713): View more from Texas

Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?

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(802): View more from Vermont

Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty

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(425): View more from Washington

Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!

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(804): View more from Virginia

Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.

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(585): View more from New York

Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.

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(330): View more from Ohio

not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?

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(513): View more from Ohio

it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.

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(530): View more from California

You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.

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(816): View more from Missouri

As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...

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(204): View more from Manitoba

We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.

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(607): View more from New York

The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?

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(703): View more from Virginia

I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?

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(613): View more from Ontario

Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.

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(416): View more from Toronto

All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.

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(347): View more from New York

So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok

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(760): View more from California

He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?

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(330): View more from Ohio

He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.

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(352): View more from Florida

She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.

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(416): View more from Toronto

"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.

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(630): View more from Illinois

She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.

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(907): View more from Alaska

You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final

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(815): View more from Illinois

So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?

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(712): View more from Iowa

in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.

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(903): View more from Texas

I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.

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(512): View more from Texas

We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"

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(616): View more from Michigan

We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.

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(845): View more from New York

well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back

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(970): View more from Colorado

Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY

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(949): View more from California

you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one

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(480): View more from Arizona

Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.

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(518): View more from New York

I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.

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(718): View more from New York

knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.

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(540): View more from Virginia

casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.

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(623): View more from Arizona

He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...

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(205): View more from Alabama

decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais

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(559): View more from California

Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.

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(425): View more from Washington

No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,

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(704): View more from North Carolina

And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart

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(941): View more from Florida

sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single

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(425): View more from Washington

Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.

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(503): View more from Oregon

im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night

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(623): View more from Arizona

Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.

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(516): View more from New York

I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line

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(903): View more from Texas

I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town

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(813): View more from Florida

Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D

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(513): View more from Ohio

I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

You're a rent hooker.

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(909): View more from California

Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.

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(970): View more from Colorado

There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?

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(708): View more from Illinois

there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.

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(248): View more from Michigan

sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.

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(253): View more from Washington

I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.

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(707): View more from California

We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth

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(850): View more from Florida

He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.

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(626): View more from California

and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22

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(207): View more from Maine

She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere

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(409): View more from Texas

The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.

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(248): View more from Michigan

He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.

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(503): View more from Oregon

All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?

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(313): View more from Michigan

I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?

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(207): View more from Maine

It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.

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(205): View more from Alabama

You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.

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(510): View more from California

I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me

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(562): View more from California

I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.

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(248): View more from Michigan

This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.

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(989): View more from Michigan

ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.

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(989): View more from Michigan

his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener

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(607): View more from New York

There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.

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(517): View more from Michigan

And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.

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(361): View more from Texas

I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.

(1-205): View more from Alabama

Is it working?

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(217): View more from Illinois

He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!

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(513): View more from Ohio

All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.

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(650): View more from California

Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy

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(813): View more from Florida

So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.

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(571): View more from Virginia

Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?

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(619): View more from California

I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.

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(801): View more from Utah

I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.

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(661): View more from California

I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher

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(757): View more from Virginia

I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.

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(954): View more from Florida

They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'

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(636): View more from Missouri

Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate

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(812): View more from Indiana

Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers

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(416): View more from Toronto

Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".

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(607): View more from New York

im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.

(607): View more from New York

way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses

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(917): View more from New York City

I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big

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(513): View more from Ohio

He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.

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(813): View more from Florida

You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy

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(641): View more from Iowa

My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.

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(213): View more from California

"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.

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(229): View more from Georgia

They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME

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(541): View more from Oregon

I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test

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(480): View more from Arizona

Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved

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(785): View more from Kansas

Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?

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(940): View more from Texas

You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens

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(406): View more from Montana

She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??

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(217): View more from Illinois

who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?

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(305): View more from Florida

I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy

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(661): View more from California

1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.

(1-661): View more from California

1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up

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(575): View more from New Mexico

you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.

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(217): View more from Illinois

This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child

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(917): View more from New York City

Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.

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(213): View more from California

your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment

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(870): View more from Arkansas

He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors

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(404): View more from Georgia

I have surprise drugs for everyone

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(213): View more from California

there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.

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(705): View more from Ontario

just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...

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(248): View more from Michigan

he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.

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(904): View more from Florida

Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?

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(641): View more from Iowa

I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...

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(316): View more from Kansas

Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.

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(925): View more from California

We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...

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(515): View more from Iowa

You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included

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(407): View more from Florida

hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate

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(701): View more from North Dakota

It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw

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(705): View more from Ontario

Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.

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(248): View more from Michigan

the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness

(1-248): View more from Michigan

don't cry, we can learn from her

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(204): View more from Manitoba

All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?

(325): View more from Texas

Jail. That could go wrong.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE

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(740): View more from Ohio

Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.

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(510): View more from California

Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.

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(205): View more from Alabama

And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?

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(775): View more from Nevada

THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".

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(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever

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(778): View more from British Columbia

It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

no more duck duck goose at the bar

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way

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(815): View more from Illinois

But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.

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(727): View more from Florida

I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday

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(281): View more from Texas

The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.

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(516): View more from New York

Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.

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(804): View more from Virginia

well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...

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(630): View more from Illinois

You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop

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(925): View more from California

Did we literally take a cab across the street

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(314): View more from Missouri

You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.

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(361): View more from Texas

There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.

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(706): View more from Georgia

he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline

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(630): View more from Illinois

The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!

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(204): View more from Manitoba

We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.

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(217): View more from Illinois

It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested

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(865): View more from Tennessee

What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?

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(214): View more from Texas

Maybe I should forgo underwear.

(314): View more from Missouri

This is a family BBQ no?

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(607): View more from New York

Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.

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(214): View more from Texas

The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it

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(530): View more from California

for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.

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(443): View more from Maryland

we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.

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(443): View more from Maryland

He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.

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(360): View more from Washington

In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...

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(512): View more from Texas

that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club

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(586): View more from Michigan

Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes

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(819): View more from Quebec

I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.

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(515): View more from Iowa

His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.

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(512): View more from Texas

I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys

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(630): View more from Illinois

hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?

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(541): View more from Oregon

There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.

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(806): View more from Texas

For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.

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(775): View more from Nevada

she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend

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(732): View more from New Jersey

His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.

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(407): View more from Florida

You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.

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(+61): View more from Australia

We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere

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(210): View more from Texas

Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country

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(940): View more from Texas

This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing

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(330): View more from Ohio

She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.

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(661): View more from California

i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean

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(803): View more from South Carolina

There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...

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(812): View more from Indiana

theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.

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(619): View more from California

yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work

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(816): View more from Missouri

All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.

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(907): View more from Alaska

He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.

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(513): View more from Ohio

As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN

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(678): View more from Georgia

We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER

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(810): View more from Michigan

We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.

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(802): View more from Vermont

All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.

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(330): View more from Ohio

literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.

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(631): View more from New York

I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.

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(623): View more from Arizona

You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"

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(904): View more from Florida

HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

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(678): View more from Georgia

We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there

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(702): View more from Nevada

Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.

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(972): View more from Texas

Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?

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(602): View more from Arizona

I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

my self respect just called, its having a good time without me

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub

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(757): View more from Virginia

i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .

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(785): View more from Kansas

It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.

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(760): View more from California

if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel

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(515): View more from Iowa

Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?

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(551): View more from New Jersey

The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times

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(516): View more from New York

So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.

(513): View more from Ohio

I stole a bike. Here's a pic

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(631): View more from New York

youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Fear?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

FEAR.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.

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(219): View more from Indiana

They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college

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(940): View more from Texas

Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol

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(260): View more from Indiana

She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.

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(810): View more from Michigan

There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing

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(312): View more from Illinois

He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.

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(416): View more from Toronto

You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...

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(602): View more from Arizona

I demand visitation hours with the duck.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.

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(301): View more from Maryland

did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15

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(619): View more from California

Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings

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(757): View more from Virginia

The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.

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(281): View more from Texas

WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!

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(618): View more from Illinois

She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up

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(732): View more from New Jersey

4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move

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(904): View more from Florida

Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again

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(815): View more from Illinois

Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?

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(217): View more from Illinois

i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan

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(561): View more from Florida

Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk

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(760): View more from California

I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places

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(859): View more from Kentucky

how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?

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(479): View more from Arkansas

In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.

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(816): View more from Missouri

It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.

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(863): View more from Florida

There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.

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(818): View more from California

Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.

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(802): View more from Vermont

She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.

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(727): View more from Florida

I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish

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(613): View more from Ontario

Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night

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(256): View more from Alabama

So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.

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(530): View more from California

My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .

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(815): View more from Illinois

There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.

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(817): View more from Texas

Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.

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(509): View more from Washington

Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles

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(727): View more from Florida

and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos

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(928): View more from Arizona

Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.

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(540): View more from Virginia

You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.

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(319): View more from Iowa

As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.

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(281): View more from Texas

Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday

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(585): View more from New York

I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"

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(706): View more from Georgia

He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.

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(305): View more from Florida

Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking

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(646): View more from New York

Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit

(646): View more from New York

The facepaint not the blacking out

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(919): View more from North Carolina

The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

and you succeeded.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?

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(501): View more from Arkansas

So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.

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(361): View more from Texas

After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.

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(425): View more from Washington

This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?

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(631): View more from New York

I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.

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(678): View more from Georgia

If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.

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(807): View more from Ontario

If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right

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(616): View more from Michigan

he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing

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(503): View more from Oregon

you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?

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(256): View more from Alabama

I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?

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(702): View more from Nevada

It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.

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(806): View more from Texas

You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....

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(+61): View more from Australia

woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME

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(707): View more from California

I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA

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(702): View more from Nevada

I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.

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(970): View more from Colorado

But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..

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(351): View more from Massachusetts

the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!

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(260): View more from Indiana

apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"

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(213): View more from California

The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.

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(516): View more from New York

Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment

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(713): View more from Texas

I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.

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(517): View more from Michigan

She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.

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(916): View more from California

Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.

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(61): View more from Australia

Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.

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(779): View more from Illinois

Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.

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(512): View more from Texas

The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"

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(336): View more from North Carolina

He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.

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(646): View more from New York

but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered

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(517): View more from Michigan

at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training

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(989): View more from Michigan

I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.

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(563): View more from Iowa

at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.

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(248): View more from Michigan

So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.

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(219): View more from Indiana

They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives

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(812): View more from Indiana

I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.

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(305): View more from Florida

It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children

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(515): View more from Iowa

I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!

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(703): View more from Virginia

that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good

(1-703): View more from Virginia

that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna

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(806): View more from Texas

Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that

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(406): View more from Montana

The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I stole so many things from the ER last night.

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(949): View more from California

Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..

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(804): View more from Virginia

Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.

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(734): View more from Michigan

We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.

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(516): View more from New York

I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.

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(713): View more from Texas

Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?

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(518): View more from New York

one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what

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(618): View more from Illinois

You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea

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(480): View more from Arizona

Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.

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(248): View more from Michigan

im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...

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(727): View more from Florida

they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were

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(613): View more from Ontario

Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"

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(910): View more from North Carolina

The strip club called, they have your shoe.

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(654): View more from

And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.

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(757): View more from Virginia

they won't let me drive with my sombrero

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.

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(989): View more from Michigan

we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.

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(650): View more from California

That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.

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(813): View more from Florida

We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.

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(909): View more from California

Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.

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(718): View more from New York

According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.

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(206): View more from Washington

you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway

(925): View more from California

I hate that you know that from experience

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....

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(860): View more from Connecticut

its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.

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(419): View more from Ohio

its not a party unless mikie exposes himself

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious

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(970): View more from Colorado

Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?

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(248): View more from Michigan

You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.

(856): View more from New Jersey

Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits

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(289): View more from Ontario

You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.

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(574): View more from Indiana

Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.

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(315): View more from New York

What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?

(414): View more from Wisconsin

Its 11 o'clock somewhere

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(347): View more from New York

his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.

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(661): View more from California

fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.

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(847): View more from Illinois

There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"

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(256): View more from Alabama

this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?

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(815): View more from Illinois

Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm

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(805): View more from California

Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."

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(859): View more from Kentucky

You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator

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(716): View more from New York

I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.

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(440): View more from Ohio

im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.

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(541): View more from Oregon

You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.

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(518): View more from New York

They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower

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(440): View more from Ohio

Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore

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(903): View more from Texas

I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown

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(432): View more from Texas

There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!

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(517): View more from Michigan

Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....

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(443): View more from Maryland

Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".

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(972): View more from Texas

Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....

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(812): View more from Indiana

The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.

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(434): View more from Virginia

i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.

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(707): View more from California

I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.

(1-707): View more from California

is that even a sentence?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.

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(516): View more from New York

It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties

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(443): View more from Maryland

She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency

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(914): View more from New York

Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class

(1-914): View more from New York

that is WHY your in summer classes

(914): View more from New York

worth it

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either

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(330): View more from Ohio

I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.

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(407): View more from Florida

50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.

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(415): View more from California

so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.

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(613): View more from Ontario

New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.

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(269): View more from Michigan

Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?

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(573): View more from Missouri

My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.

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(818): View more from California

we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.

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(516): View more from New York

nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.

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(209): View more from California

What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.

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(904): View more from Florida

I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where the hell are you

(706): View more from Georgia

He's winning.

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(917): View more from New York City

Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?

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(407): View more from Florida

I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this

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(765): View more from Indiana

I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.

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(716): View more from New York

Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor

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(770): View more from Georgia

Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence

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(561): View more from Florida

The beers last night were like the tears from god

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(860): View more from Connecticut

omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

where the hell would u of bought a deer

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(214): View more from Texas

Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.

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(480): View more from Arizona

The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.

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(315): View more from New York

hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.

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(310): View more from California

Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Hopefully she would park on my face.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.

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(631): View more from New York

I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?

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(561): View more from Florida

A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night

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(516): View more from New York

He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.

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(305): View more from Florida

Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested

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(409): View more from Texas

We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.

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(210): View more from Texas

Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.

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(907): View more from Alaska

My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.

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(653): View more from

I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.

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(813): View more from Florida

she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter

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(970): View more from Colorado

Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.

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(352): View more from Florida

Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?

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(773): View more from Illinois

You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.

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(559): View more from California

He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.

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(240): View more from Maryland

To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did mom hear me barking???

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

sooo high. sooo many dog friends

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(940): View more from Texas

An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.

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(302): View more from Delaware

She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"

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(845): View more from New York

They were actually really boring considering how we met them.

(1-845): View more from New York

howd you meet them?

(845): View more from New York

They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs

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(719): View more from Colorado

You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians

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(954): View more from Florida

She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?

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(419): View more from Ohio

Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.

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(443): View more from Maryland

you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.

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(801): View more from Utah

On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.

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(631): View more from New York

these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.

(631): View more from New York

i got hit in the ear.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down

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(815): View more from Illinois

I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.

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(419): View more from Ohio

His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job

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(205): View more from Alabama

He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.

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(937): View more from Ohio

And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.

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(317): View more from Indiana

You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues

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(845): View more from New York

That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...

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(804): View more from Virginia

My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.

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(281): View more from Texas

Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.

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(256): View more from Alabama

The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE

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(859): View more from Kentucky

While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.

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(516): View more from New York

i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD

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(716): View more from New York

He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof

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(417): View more from Missouri

Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.

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(574): View more from Indiana

It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know

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(713): View more from Texas

Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on

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(972): View more from Texas

I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.

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(520): View more from Arizona

We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count

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(707): View more from California

He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.

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(519): View more from Ontario

This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.

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(619): View more from California

Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.

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(530): View more from California

Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar

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(480): View more from Arizona

He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.

(917): View more from New York City

what ever happened to our old dealer?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

ttyl tear gas

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(435): View more from Utah

Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.

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(206): View more from Washington

In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone

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(614): View more from Ohio

I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.

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(425): View more from Washington

Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?

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(407): View more from Florida

There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again

(443): View more from Maryland

I hate when that happens

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(307): View more from Wyoming

They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.

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(305): View more from Florida

No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.

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(523): View more from

Hey did where's my bong?

(1-523): View more from

In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right

(523): View more from

Should I bother to ask?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog

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(928): View more from Arizona

Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture

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(661): View more from California

u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..

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(904): View more from Florida

This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.

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(805): View more from California

I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.

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(573): View more from Missouri

You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first

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(949): View more from California

Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.

(970): View more from Colorado

Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"

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(440): View more from Ohio

Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.

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(512): View more from Texas

She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.

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(313): View more from Michigan

At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?

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(678): View more from Georgia

I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.

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(207): View more from Maine

did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?

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(406): View more from Montana

you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.

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(313): View more from Michigan

There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding

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(509): View more from Washington

I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.

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(410): View more from Maryland

They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.

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(478): View more from Georgia

Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.

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(425): View more from Washington

She's clinging to me like a horny koala.

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(562): View more from California

I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.

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(831): View more from California

She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs

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(940): View more from Texas

Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd

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(612): View more from Minnesota

The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.

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(425): View more from Washington

Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off

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(904): View more from Florida

he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.

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(240): View more from Maryland

We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.

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(619): View more from California

Be still, my beating vagina.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.

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(360): View more from Washington

You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.

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(845): View more from New York

Did you bedazzle the elevator?

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(785): View more from Kansas

you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.

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(706): View more from Georgia

In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.

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(260): View more from Indiana

His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....

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(409): View more from Texas

You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger

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(323): View more from California

He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated

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(519): View more from Ontario

we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers

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(406): View more from Montana

He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines

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(817): View more from Texas

I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.

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(801): View more from Utah

stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?

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(770): View more from Georgia

She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups

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(406): View more from Montana

As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"

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(828): View more from North Carolina

You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.

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(903): View more from Texas

We talked him into tasing himself.

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(516): View more from New York

I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.

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(587): View more from Alberta

The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion

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(256): View more from Alabama

Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.

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(312): View more from Illinois

please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby

(617): View more from Massachusetts

your completely serious

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(813): View more from Florida

Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.

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(214): View more from Texas

Come over. Drunk tacos.

(1-214): View more from Texas

That isn't even a sentence.

(214): View more from Texas

I kept the important parts.

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(352): View more from Florida

I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.

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(217): View more from Illinois

You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.

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(425): View more from Washington

He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.

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(408): View more from California

I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete

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(408): View more from California

I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year

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(816): View more from Missouri

He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man

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(815): View more from Illinois

Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?

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(309): View more from Illinois

Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.

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(214): View more from Texas

Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.

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(713): View more from Texas

Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.

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(760): View more from California

Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.

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(863): View more from Florida

I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.

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(406): View more from Montana

There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!

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(716): View more from New York

I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am

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(860): View more from Connecticut

We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Vomiting outside the employee entrance

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.

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(440): View more from Ohio

yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.

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(406): View more from Montana

I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."

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(910): View more from North Carolina

It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did

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(623): View more from Arizona

We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight

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(607): View more from New York

I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.

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(949): View more from California

You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.

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(716): View more from New York

I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.

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(519): View more from Ontario

On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?

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(519): View more from Ontario

Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.

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(210): View more from Texas

I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker

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(775): View more from Nevada

You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.

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(585): View more from New York

they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too

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(773): View more from Illinois

Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.

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(607): View more from New York

I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want

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(702): View more from Nevada

whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.

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(207): View more from Maine

Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.

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(210): View more from Texas

She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds

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(720): View more from Colorado

yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?

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(607): View more from New York

I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!

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(313): View more from Michigan

he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.

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(435): View more from Utah

When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."

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(903): View more from Texas

EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT

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(208): View more from Idaho

The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo

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(843): View more from South Carolina

great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party

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(803): View more from South Carolina

and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace

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(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

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(509): View more from Washington

There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.

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(949): View more from California

He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog

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(703): View more from Virginia

Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP

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(301): View more from Maryland

Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?

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(516): View more from New York

Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.

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(713): View more from Texas

We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.

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(518): View more from New York

hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river

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(314): View more from Missouri

The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight

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(585): View more from New York

I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.

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(310): View more from California

My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.

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(716): View more from New York

Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada

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(979): View more from Texas

Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again

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(801): View more from Utah

im getting coffee to go get coffee.

(435): View more from Utah

Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.

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(830): View more from Texas

I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call

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(480): View more from Arizona

I had to brake up with him.

(602): View more from Arizona

In my experience drinking helps.

(480): View more from Arizona

You dont want to know why?

(602): View more from Arizona

Not really. I want to drink.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??

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(217): View more from Illinois

Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.

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(510): View more from California

It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.

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(313): View more from Michigan

My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He's almost as awesome as vicodin.

(513): View more from Ohio

Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.

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(303): View more from Colorado

She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?

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(509): View more from Washington

Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.

(406): View more from Montana

Hospital.

(509): View more from Washington

I am invincible.

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(734): View more from Michigan

he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

On my way to the DMV to get arrested

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.

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(310): View more from California

I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.

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(847): View more from Illinois

looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.

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(740): View more from Ohio

He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"

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(440): View more from Ohio

Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you

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(314): View more from Missouri

For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.

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(530): View more from California

I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover

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(315): View more from New York

Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.

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(212): View more from New York

You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..

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(913): View more from Kansas

the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.

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(206): View more from Washington

Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.

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(903): View more from Texas

Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?

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(509): View more from Washington

We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea

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(908): View more from New Jersey

almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow

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(815): View more from Illinois

Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"

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(573): View more from Missouri

You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.

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(845): View more from New York

Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me

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(845): View more from New York

3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.

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(229): View more from Georgia

No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.

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(323): View more from California

Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us

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(847): View more from Illinois

couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.

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(818): View more from California

I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!

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(770): View more from Georgia

Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers

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(860): View more from Connecticut

MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!

(860): View more from Connecticut

I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"

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(440): View more from Ohio

uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober

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