Texts From Last Night · cuddle

Sorry tornado23 hasn't picked any favorites yet.

cuddle_clown's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(707): View more from California

I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.

Fav 3 682 887
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player

Fav 5 1324 1038
share tweet

(616): View more from Michigan

Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.

Fav 5 1638 849
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."

Fav 7 1900 802
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.

Fav 11 820 2154
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab

Fav 3 995 633
share tweet

(707): View more from California

I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.

Fav 2 900 565
share tweet

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics

Fav 8 1308 635
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.

Fav 4 1742 644
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand

Fav 16 3131 870
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.

(320): View more from Minnesota

No shame in my game.

Fav 4 1501 738
share tweet

(703): View more from Virginia

Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"

Fav 3 1219 741
share tweet

(630): View more from Illinois

I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.

Fav 5 1197 743
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances

Fav 14 797 1147
share tweet

(803): View more from South Carolina

I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.

Fav 2 610 950
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right

Fav 8 2110 1014
share tweet
(956): View more from Texas

You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom

Fav 2 507 937
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like

Fav 0 1072 565
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.

Fav 2 1019 592
share tweet
(650): View more from California

Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse

Fav 2 1001 704
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.

Fav 2 825 726
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.

Fav 2 1194 562
share tweet
(310): View more from California

He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed

Fav 3 629 1484
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.

Fav 6 1685 813
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?

Fav 1 1197 607
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??

Fav 2 965 577
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts

Fav 4 743 1168
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"

Fav 12 2812 1090
share tweet
(916): View more from California

WHY did you say no to the sex seance?

Fav 4 901 796
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul

Fav 8 1404 767
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.

Fav 6 1525 736
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

I just blew my weed a kiss

Fav 6 1310 699
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.

Fav 12 948 742
share tweet
(619): View more from California

It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.

Fav 4 638 1310
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I had to rip your toilet paper for you...

Fav 3 769 1031
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.

Fav 7 1304 771
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story

Fav 6 1444 761
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later

Fav 5 1068 802
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.

Fav 7 1225 731
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.

Fav 7 1795 896
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?

Fav 8 1462 1051
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.

Fav 4 619 1005
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT

Fav 11 931 2540
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle

Fav 4 2060 721
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.

Fav 4 1488 632
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will

Fav 6 1032 669
share tweet
(310): View more from California

How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.

Fav 3 1319 545
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father

Fav 8 1175 582
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.

Fav 12 1205 678
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"

(678): View more from Georgia

Is this an intervention?

Fav 3 1265 677
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.

Fav 5 670 1075
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

hey the jello shots wont freeze

(1-512): View more from Texas

How much Everclear did you put in them?

(512): View more from Texas

uhhh all of it

Fav 5 1904 656
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES

Fav 6 1396 712
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.

Fav 7 1423 640
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm just crazy horny about you

Fav 11 2092 666
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.

(479): View more from Arkansas

Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

This is why I married you.

Fav 4 3119 849
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar

Fav 1 1300 562
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.

Fav 1 1133 689
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

NoShamevember. You game?

Fav 3 1328 830
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.

Fav 4 1606 565
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

possibly by boat

Fav 3 1307 689
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I told you he wasn't attractive.

(1-440): View more from Ohio

Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..

Fav 9 637 1178
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.

Fav 14 1786 791
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.

Fav 2 1021 759
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream

Fav 9 819 1695
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.

Fav 7 1000 637
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.

Fav 4 629 1033
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..

Fav 9 1599 783
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!

Fav 3 907 655
share tweet
(510): View more from California

my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.

Fav 12 1434 812
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.

Fav 1 1581 617
share tweet
(310): View more from California

My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.

Fav 6 3828 885
share tweet
(818): View more from California

idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations

Fav 2 1218 695
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.

Fav 4 1054 568
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."

Fav 3 1243 611
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...

Fav 7 1654 953
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.

Fav 7 1203 907
share tweet
(+27): View more from South Africa

Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast

Fav 2 1765 736
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.

Fav 7 720 1252
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT

Fav 4 1267 916
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog

(1-574): View more from Indiana

knight in shining armor

Fav 1 1276 771
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water

(1-574): View more from Indiana

desperate times, desperate measures

Fav 8 781 1264
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.

Fav 4 1088 538
share tweet
(619): View more from California

I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.

Fav 5 1615 628
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?

Fav 3 636 980
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.

(1-716): View more from New York

Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money

Fav 9 3172 840
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some

Fav 9 1242 591
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker

Fav 6 1420 694
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.

Fav 7 651 1545
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.

Fav 12 1351 685
share tweet
(925): View more from California

I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great

Fav 1 921 1029
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.

Fav 7 847 1300
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"

Fav 10 1627 669
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.

Fav 10 1442 764
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat

Fav 3 813 791
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.

Fav 3 1554 637
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.

Fav 16 2020 701
share tweet
(213): View more from California

you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say

Fav 2 1402 777
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.

Fav 9 683 1721
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.

Fav 10 1637 811
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often

Fav 3 1441 645
share tweet
(530): View more from California

Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.

Fav 7 1994 735
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.

Fav 1 758 812
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'

Fav 6 1509 700
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water

Fav 6 1178 599
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.

Fav 14 1605 637
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.

Fav 12 1365 788
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"

Fav 5 562 866
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao

Fav 7 1090 701
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter

(1-773): View more from Illinois

re read what you just said

Fav 3 1064 1766
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands

Fav 11 641 1281
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.

Fav 62 4387 1255
share tweet
(408): View more from California

Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.

Fav 7 648 1282
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON

(+61): View more from Australia

SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE

(+61): View more from Australia

THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.

Fav 9 1785 834
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,

Fav 15 1384 750
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"

(630): View more from Illinois

you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you

Fav 6 2426 798
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef

(240): View more from Maryland

Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!

(202): View more from Washington, DC

That is the exact response I was looking for.

Fav 8 1939 814
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop

Fav 7 867 1523
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese

Fav 11 1041 985
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds

Fav 15 802 2187
share tweet
(818): View more from California

She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.

Fav 5 643 1252
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

that's how you measure success

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?

Fav 8 1504 665
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.

Fav 5 1253 701
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale

Fav 8 2100 618
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.

Fav 5 2085 892
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.

Fav 10 664 1253
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.

Fav 0 1084 616
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.

Fav 2 567 1004
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms

Fav 4 969 588
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?

Fav 3 1109 579
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here

Fav 2 1384 673
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

Drinking loves me for WHO I am

Fav 3 1426 649
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.

Fav 2 1283 657
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.

Fav 3 1130 686
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.

Fav 4 1401 742
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.

Fav 6 1998 681
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.

Fav 11 988 1867
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.

Fav 6 993 1061
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.

Fav 3 1112 602
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.

Fav 4 1230 665
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays

Fav 5 655 756
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.

Fav 2 1056 531
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy

Fav 5 1561 642
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge

Fav 5 1420 629
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday

Fav 2 793 555
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.

Fav 3 1480 568
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?

Fav 7 634 1279
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.

Fav 16 631 2211
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.

Fav 5 1069 573
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.

Fav 5 952 602
share tweet
(619): View more from California

But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.

Fav 18 1033 1302
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.

Fav 11 1137 625
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.

Fav 2 1055 805
share tweet
(562): View more from California

New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips

Fav 2 944 674
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will

Fav 2 1203 658
share tweet
(415): View more from California

It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.

Fav 9 2231 697
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"

Fav 2 1226 624
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.

Fav 7 636 1030
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.

Fav 7 1197 805
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.

Fav 15 2191 895
share tweet
(310): View more from California

If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave

Fav 1 1141 692
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.

Fav 3 1294 514
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!

Fav 12 1349 725
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock

Fav 8 1084 2059
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.

Fav 3 880 660
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.

Fav 25 991 1221
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.

Fav 4 1423 630
share tweet
(731): View more from Tennessee

She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?

Fav 13 2023 862
share tweet
(510): View more from California

You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.

Fav 7 915 1075
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.

Fav 4 700 1279
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.

Fav 4 1350 632
share tweet
(234): View more from Ohio

Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.

Fav 3 1514 739
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.

Fav 16 1265 1313
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"

Fav 9 4123 1076
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge

Fav 1 982 537
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.

Fav 2 1040 628
share tweet
(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.

Fav 14 1197 731
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.

Fav 2 614 859
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age

(612): View more from Minnesota

Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity

Fav 6 1128 743
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.

(1-907): View more from Alaska

That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.

Fav 5 1874 750
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember

Fav 3 989 964
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.

Fav 7 1475 580
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.

Fav 2 1136 679
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle

Fav 7 1301 716
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.

Fav 7 2970 805
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.

Fav 11 2266 791
share tweet
(925): View more from California

michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.

Fav 2 1252 690
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close

Fav 3 1581 790
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying

Fav 5 1738 764
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.

Fav 4 1255 714
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home

Fav 3 976 576
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.

Fav 7 1188 683
share tweet
(916): View more from California

I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty

Fav 11 635 1160
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.

Fav 8 611 1379
share tweet
(+79): View more from

Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.

Fav 1 1064 592
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??

Fav 6 982 646
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage

Fav 6 830 764
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.

Fav 4 1197 738
share tweet
(310): View more from California

i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20

Fav 4 1076 575
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."

Fav 2 744 1091
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.

Fav 1 970 512
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.

Fav 4 1076 594
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?

Fav 7 2007 762
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you

Fav 4 1004 646
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.

Fav 2 806 596
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.

Fav 6 1491 724
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"

Fav 4 608 1331
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.

Fav 1 2157 1087
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP

Fav 0 916 643
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever

Fav 3 1165 789
share tweet
(559): View more from California

His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY

Fav 1 1120 701
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.

Fav 6 2129 685
share tweet
(228): View more from Mississippi

We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver

Fav 5 2027 809
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.

Fav 7 628 1573
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.

Fav 4 862 635
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.

Fav 4 777 1156
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.

Fav 2 1508 567
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.

Fav 6 1494 761
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.

Fav 8 1288 800
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?

Fav 13 1621 827
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?

Fav 6 1546 820
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in

Fav 11 971 1734
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?

Fav 3 939 802
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again

(1-425): View more from Washington

But he was really hot

(1-425): View more from Washington

Glad you don't have HIV

Fav 4 631 1100
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.

Fav 4 1078 639
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.

Fav 2 993 564
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.

Fav 3 1176 585
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.

Fav 11 1834 828
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar

Fav 4 935 622
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?

Fav 4 993 587
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Can vaginas get frostbite?

Fav 12 684 1295
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I drink to make the karaoke go away.

Fav 6 1131 625
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.

Fav 1 833 589
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.

Fav 3 838 723
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...

Fav 3 1012 1200
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.

Fav 5 2730 805
share tweet
(916): View more from California

Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.

Fav 6 1756 782
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party

Fav 2 1222 607
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.

Fav 11 2195 702
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.

Fav 11 2656 1256
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.

Fav 1 1126 618
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.

Fav 7 1853 670
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?

Fav 19 1509 821
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?

Fav 5 646 1527
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.

Fav 6 743 1192
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated

Fav 6 1368 663
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.

Fav 2 1009 556
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.

Fav 9 1252 725
share tweet
(707): View more from California

He better not be in your backpack

Fav 6 1026 661
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost

Fav 2 661 1306
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you

Fav 8 1733 608
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.

Fav 1 937 532
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it

Fav 4 1018 596
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.

Fav 4 2237 665
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"

Fav 3 803 667
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.

Fav 3 1158 793
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores

Fav 3 1188 554
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.

Fav 2 656 1025
share tweet
(450): View more from Quebec

If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.

Fav 12 1617 882
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy

Fav 4 949 838
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.

Fav 7 2149 747
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

If I was 5 years younger and single...

(413): View more from Massachusetts

She STILL wouldn't fuck you.

Fav 4 1580 1038
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)

Fav 3 1129 693
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.

Fav 5 665 1135
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"

Fav 6 888 1940
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...

Fav 3 862 645
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.

Fav 4 766 1389
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin

Fav 6 1170 877
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?

Fav 3 934 650
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.

Fav 7 1394 648
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet

Fav 4 1098 707
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.

Fav 10 1095 693
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.

Fav 13 2203 683
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night

Fav 6 1118 639
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you

Fav 12 1930 702
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.

Fav 2 626 1604
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.

Fav 2 919 657
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.

Fav 5 893 618
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face

(763): View more from Minnesota

How can a condom be "half used"?

Fav 13 1715 950
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..

Fav 3 776 713
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded

Fav 2 1392 609
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point

Fav 3 1496 628
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning

Fav 5 1750 767
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month

Fav 9 1497 749
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?

Fav 3 1869 613
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.

Fav 3 1097 605
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.

Fav 1 898 527
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.

Fav 7 2028 655
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.

Fav 8 853 670
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.

Fav 6 1303 817
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...

Fav 6 929 581
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?

Fav 7 2707 911
share tweet
(580): View more from Oklahoma

Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out

Fav 13 1206 1434
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.

Fav 5 1008 627
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.

Fav 6 1048 703
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.

Fav 11 3832 906
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me

Fav 4 809 557
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.

Fav 15 1628 641
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...

Fav 9 723 1227
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.

Fav 2 1100 815
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.

Fav 3 1644 971
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.

Fav 5 649 886
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.

Fav 1 672 1271
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.

Fav 5 1891 736
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.

Fav 3 976 543
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven

Fav 4 1439 645
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?

Fav 5 1860 668
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change

Fav 1 1140 624
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.

Fav 5 1253 589
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been

Fav 3 874 608
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.

Fav 9 1678 801
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.

Fav 0 1006 550
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.

Fav 3 2044 708
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.

Fav 4 979 721
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.

Fav 13 590 1367
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.

Fav 2 1242 614
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?

Fav 2 1092 669
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???

Fav 5 832 669
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.

Fav 7 1092 581
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.

Fav 7 748 734
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!

Fav 6 2587 877
share tweet
(925): View more from California

I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission

(925): View more from California

Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol

Fav 10 2243 863
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.

Fav 3 1030 651
share tweet
(619): View more from California

It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.

Fav 11 3070 839
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

ROADTRIP.

Fav 20 1861 721
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.

Fav 5 1559 638
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.

Fav 3 1304 782
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I'm your Election Erection Connection

(860): View more from Connecticut

I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.

Fav 9 1881 821
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.

Fav 9 1402 1249
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.

Fav 1 1061 535
share tweet
(530): View more from California

Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.

Fav 4 681 1344
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..

Fav 2 988 650
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?

(716): View more from New York

If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love

Fav 1 1145 659
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.

Fav 4 1191 626
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter

Fav 2 1051 605
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.

Fav 5 723 1353
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity

Fav 2 1137 691
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?

Fav 5 1601 665
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.

Fav 3 682 998
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device

Fav 4 2213 707
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.

Fav 3 1320 686
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

She really is something else.

(713): View more from Texas

Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.

Fav 3 1227 791
share tweet
(772): View more from Florida

Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

Fav 21 2342 766
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.

Fav 7 798 1257
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.

Fav 3 1364 610
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??

Fav 2 1757 786
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.

Fav 4 905 569
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?

Fav 3 882 616
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.

Fav 2 931 656
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.

Fav 7 1293 833
share tweet
(619): View more from California

If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.

Fav 3 632 1124
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!

Fav 10 1827 740
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer

Fav 2 1132 599
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.

Fav 4 1186 663
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere

Fav 1 1108 567
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

how did operation slutty penguin go?

(619): View more from California

pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter

Fav 6 3068 785
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.

Fav 7 2862 797
share tweet
(916): View more from California

Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?

Fav 5 2180 992
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on

(1-970): View more from Colorado

maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit

Fav 2 943 582
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either

Fav 2 931 563
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone

Fav 4 1258 829
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.

Fav 3 2105 620
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome

Fav 6 2238 625
share tweet
(310): View more from California

oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.

Fav 4 818 521
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?

Fav 2 1028 542
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.

(1-715): View more from Wisconsin

I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)

Fav 2 1274 533
share tweet
(805): View more from California

not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone

Fav 1 959 502
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�

Fav 1 679 856
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.

Fav 3 1120 541
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family

Fav 1 1273 516
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers

Fav 1 1315 649
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(

Fav 2 775 576
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.

Fav 2 1349 934
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.

Fav 6 1049 680
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday

Fav 5 812 1067
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD

Fav 15 1427 832
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex

Fav 6 1133 614
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.

Fav 2 1184 614
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.

Fav 3 2008 615
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.

Fav 3 1595 632
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building

Fav 1 1016 582
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.

Fav 5 858 689
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.

Fav 8 1513 596
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?

Fav 3 1053 597
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work

Fav 9 714 1317
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"

Fav 7 1846 1032
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.

Fav 2 992 531
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes

Fav 2 928 646
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again

Fav 5 946 626
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.

Fav 4 1119 602
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.

Fav 9 1792 677
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape

Fav 3 782 1603
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.

Fav 4 1036 640
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched

Fav 11 3084 884
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.

Fav 14 4283 835
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning

Fav 6 1525 705
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore

Fav 3 1040 546
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league

Fav 2 1504 619
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.

Fav 5 1916 658
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them

Fav 8 790 636
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.

Fav 11 1265 1050
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.

Fav 7 1425 883
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook

Fav 6 1798 784
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again

(1-206): View more from Washington

RESPECT THE VODQUILA

Fav 4 1731 865
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.

Fav 1 1000 614
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning

Fav 0 861 539
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?

Fav 23 1995 1173
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.

Fav 6 1785 664
share tweet
(805): View more from California

Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.

Fav 4 1333 647
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.

Fav 13 2173 741
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.

Fav 12 1207 848
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS

Fav 7 1392 939
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.

(1-314): View more from Missouri

When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.

Fav 2 1134 652
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?

Fav 5 1148 756
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.

Fav 5 1576 988
share tweet
(619): View more from California

I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.

Fav 4 1484 861
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?

Fav 4 1403 700
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.

Fav 5 1284 738
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark

Fav 8 1189 617
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.

Fav 11 1343 759
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital

Fav 7 1053 731
share tweet
(355): View more from

He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat

Fav 5 978 646
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.

Fav 3 2070 713
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.

Fav 6 1758 629
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.

Fav 9 1325 560
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.

Fav 3 1483 711
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.

Fav 3 1610 646
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.

Fav 2 568 1313
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night

Fav 4 989 815
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team

Fav 2 1229 616
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.

Fav 3 1274 634
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.

Fav 9 1228 550
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.

Fav 2 816 695
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.

Fav 4 1178 537
share tweet
(916): View more from California

Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?

Fav 2 1054 608
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

What the fuck, why would you ever do that?

(250): View more from British Columbia

Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?

Fav 5 2361 747
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.

Fav 3 1149 674
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5

Fav 3 1381 595
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.

Fav 6 1515 693
share tweet
(530): View more from California

Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me

Fav 0 1377 548
share tweet
(619): View more from California

how did you know i stayed over last night?

(702): View more from Nevada

there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom

Fav 1 1527 635
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.

Fav 4 992 645
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy

Fav 1 934 969
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.

Fav 5 1667 719
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep

Fav 6 760 909
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.

Fav 13 733 2355
share tweet
(980): View more from North Carolina

Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo

Fav 1 1257 660
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"

Fav 2 1920 747
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.

(512): View more from Texas

That would explain all the random shit in my room...

Fav 2 2007 781
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.

Fav 4 1375 618
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five

Fav 3 1394 611
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.

Fav 4 1123 702
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche

Fav 5 977 704
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.

Fav 4 881 549
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude, they all thought you were gay.

Fav 7 1516 814
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

We are the best.

(250): View more from British Columbia

Ps. We need to take the garbage out.

Fav 4 1064 665
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.

Fav 9 1271 957
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real

Fav 4 1626 697
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.

Fav 5 1043 627
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.

Fav 3 1023 564
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.

Fav 10 1246 1171
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna

Fav 3 630 1901
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"

Fav 2 1236 617
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.

Fav 3 1257 635
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.

Fav 12 1522 781
share tweet
(209): View more from California

We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.

Fav 3 1095 590
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest

Fav 3 1043 521
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator

Fav 7 1014 715
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now

Fav 7 789 1024
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.

Fav 24 847 4422
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"

Fav 6 1642 1079
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.

Fav 3 1353 1012
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..

Fav 3 2072 1105
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.

Fav 9 2548 1186
share tweet
(209): View more from California

I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.

(209): View more from California

Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.

Fav 12 2669 1388
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.

Fav 5 2832 1243
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.

Fav 6 1716 1142
share tweet
(+63): View more from

there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi

Fav 5 1462 994
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake

Fav 6 2638 681
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.

Fav 19 3725 1061
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.

Fav 5 1918 651
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.

Fav 2 1076 548
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

who dressed up as a cop at your party???

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

idk I have to check. Why?

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.

Fav 5 2811 672
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.

Fav 7 1517 776
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles

Fav 3 1927 796
share tweet
(916): View more from California

It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?

Fav 2 1269 650
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?

Fav 2 1072 596
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.

Fav 6 1102 600
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!

Fav 4 1093 811
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.

Fav 6 2440 825
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.

Fav 4 2375 809
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him

Fav 5 1891 889
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.

Fav 6 786 935
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"

Fav 2 1724 752
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me

Fav 4 802 590
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween

Fav 4 2509 800
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.

Fav 3 1628 647
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID

Fav 4 1333 763
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"

Fav 15 4426 822
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.

Fav 4 1009 581
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN

Fav 8 1020 672
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.

(1-808): View more from Hawaii

To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.

Fav 9 1498 682
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight

Fav 8 1459 683
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..

Fav 3 1041 949
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Im coming down to miami this weekend

(1-330): View more from Ohio

We shall drink from the everclear river

Fav 2 1008 565
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night

Fav 3 935 772
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!

Fav 11 2785 818
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl

(201): View more from New Jersey

I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl

Fav 4 1535 738
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.

Fav 0 1031 665
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.

Fav 2 1006 626
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety

Fav 2 1122 656
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.

Fav 11 1054 2110
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.

Fav 3 1374 670
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.

Fav 8 1010 1044
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...

Fav 2 1335 701
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.

Fav 11 2336 1609
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins

Fav 7 3423 1186
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.

Fav 2 1877 1131
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you

Fav 5 2240 1094
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup

Fav 3 1889 1129
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!

Fav 5 1836 1009
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.

Fav 6 2062 1144
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.

Fav 5 1643 1062
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"

Fav 4 1832 822
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.

Fav 11 4028 894
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.

Fav 12 2712 868
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!

Fav 7 986 1284
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.

Fav 2 667 1320
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!

Fav 9 689 1573
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?

Fav 3 1386 761
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING

Fav 7 1718 728
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party

Fav 4 1803 742
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.

Fav 5 1629 665
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again

Fav 3 645 881
share tweet
(339): View more from Massachusetts

I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"

Fav 2 1410 734
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.

Fav 3 682 1090
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???

Fav 3 925 657
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...

Fav 11 1743 804
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.

Fav 4 704 1156
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day

Fav 1 740 1114
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight

Fav 6 1082 810
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.

Fav 9 2113 668
share tweet
(408): View more from California

do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??

Fav 6 1084 1297
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone

Fav 6 1378 696
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

do u know what happened to the bottles last night?

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone

Fav 4 1730 681
share tweet
(650): View more from California

Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night

Fav 9 1849 802
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night

Fav 4 806 2082
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.

Fav 2 1114 586
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces

Fav 6 1329 780
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night

Fav 5 1329 657
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest

Fav 4 1940 615
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud

Fav 3 1716 760
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"

Fav 8 2289 869
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.

Fav 13 2925 1021
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers

Fav 6 1665 680
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets

Fav 7 1363 898
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.

Fav 8 2843 824
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet

Fav 10 1498 1262
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)

Fav 6 1809 805
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...

Fav 5 1057 727
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday

Fav 1 1053 613
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

What kind of costume was that supposed to be??

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

I'm an orgasm trader!

Fav 4 1182 570
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.

(816): View more from Missouri

Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????

Fav 6 1387 593
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.

(845): View more from New York

I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"

Fav 7 2226 670
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.

Fav 5 995 553
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.

Fav 4 1138 928
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.

Fav 1 626 1187
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.

Fav 5 1691 641
share tweet
(626): View more from California

you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup

Fav 1 696 949
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face

Fav 6 889 834
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.

Fav 6 1338 659
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.

Fav 3 1340 754
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.

Fav 11 1479 703
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.

Fav 5 1415 662
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.

Fav 6 2295 712
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.

Fav 8 1155 804
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned

Fav 8 1136 609
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?

Fav 3 1019 723
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed

Fav 2 928 621
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.

Fav 5 1216 629
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.

Fav 10 1692 897
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character

Fav 4 1850 770
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.

Fav 2 1078 1042
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.

Fav 4 1124 714
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo

Fav 8 1122 898
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.

Fav 14 1319 812
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight

Fav 2 1005 642
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?

Fav 10 1199 694
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude

Fav 10 1390 687
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"

Fav 3 1372 640
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.

Fav 5 1346 844
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?

Fav 3 1063 764
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.

Fav 4 1225 584
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"

Fav 9 1466 802
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.

Fav 2 1199 578
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"

(1-914): View more from New York

New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak

Fav 8 1508 674
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic

Fav 10 1648 1099
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.

Fav 8 1509 729
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

You went home with a man in a loincloth

(914): View more from New York

I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???

Fav 2 1540 624
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult

Fav 8 1133 624
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...

Fav 3 1184 847
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO

Fav 7 2971 885
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself

Fav 8 1289 668
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie

Fav 1 1026 617
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in

Fav 3 1119 795
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.

Fav 2 1197 626
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me

Fav 7 1015 644
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up

Fav 8 994 589
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.

Fav 10 686 945
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing

Fav 11 1431 728
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.

Fav 8 1061 954
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.

Fav 3 1993 767
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.

Fav 7 2299 761
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.

Fav 3 872 510
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day

Fav 3 1170 564
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!

Fav 15 1276 1519
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?

(315): View more from New York

Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.

Fav 2 1131 569
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.

(630): View more from Illinois

As weird as it sounds I would totally be down

Fav 8 1475 892
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.

Fav 4 851 779
share tweet
(760): View more from California

Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.

(818): View more from California

That was one of the best texts I got today

Fav 7 2036 739
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass

Fav 7 1195 672
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.

Fav 6 2047 810
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.

Fav 2 932 507
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

Not the worst first impression I've experienced.

Fav 3 929 568
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.

Fav 8 2701 721
share tweet
(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.

Fav 6 915 1063
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"

Fav 6 652 1090
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out

Fav 6 672 1051
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.

Fav 6 1326 650
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake

Fav 6 945 640
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.

Fav 21 933 3046
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.

Fav 6 2214 812
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year

Fav 10 1802 752
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.

Fav 12 2306 753
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.

Fav 7 1390 643
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.

Fav 7 1629 849
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.

Fav 6 1538 750
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.

Fav 7 691 1233
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings

Fav 12 1142 1279
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.

Fav 6 1009 786
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.

Fav 27 2891 932
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people

Fav 2 720 929
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.

Fav 3 1183 858
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.

Fav 5 811 661
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?

Fav 4 1290 612
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.

Fav 7 611 1304
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.

Fav 5 645 1625
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.

Fav 6 1754 619
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.

Fav 3 1115 553
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care

Fav 4 2155 634
share tweet
(818): View more from California

My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.

Fav 10 1569 680
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint

Fav 2 802 601
share tweet
(569): View more from

we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh

(784): View more from St. Vincent/Grenadines

it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.

Fav 0 1248 550
share tweet
(925): View more from California

You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.

Fav 5 1095 669
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.

Fav 2 603 822
share tweet
(949): View more from California

I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval

Fav 4 947 715
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.

Fav 7 1726 640
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.

Fav 5 1718 590
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...

Fav 7 1040 609
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.

(901): View more from Tennessee

I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.

Fav 2 1198 993
share tweet
(831): View more from California

to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal

Fav 6 764 1494
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.

Fav 8 1284 644
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?

Fav 8 1147 902
share tweet
(772): View more from Florida

She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.

Fav 6 772 1881
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.

Fav 6 1775 694
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.

Fav 1 1621 694
share tweet
(310): View more from California

The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.

Fav 8 675 1234
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.

Fav 1 718 866
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.

Fav 8 2779 922
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I just really need a hug and a shower beer

Fav 5 1219 954
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?

Fav 14 1602 853
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish

Fav 10 1310 678
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.

Fav 2 1584 703
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry

Fav 4 583 1489
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show

Fav 4 1480 577
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler

Fav 4 1309 616
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?

(1+44): View more from

It's a podium place so yeah...

Fav 8 1589 668
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn

Fav 9 762 1724
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.

Fav 4 1353 709
share tweet
(559): View more from California

I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.

Fav 2 1228 717
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance

Fav 7 1324 751
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.

Fav 7 1933 695
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.

Fav 6 774 978
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.

Fav 5 763 1705
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.

Fav 4 2273 983
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.

Fav 4 859 1168
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.

Fav 4 1033 1027
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.

Fav 2 824 702
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.

Fav 5 1039 625
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy

Fav 4 1672 673
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.

Fav 12 803 2280
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."

Fav 13 1125 1779
share tweet
(916): View more from California

We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate

Fav 6 2038 676
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?

Fav 3 1704 707
share tweet
(310): View more from California

may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...

Fav 11 819 1378
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.

Fav 4 1652 632
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.

Fav 6 1280 633
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.

Fav 15 2149 775
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.

Fav 12 1299 712
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots

Fav 17 2353 821
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster

Fav 7 1241 745
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.

Fav 13 1065 831
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.

Fav 2 959 624
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday

Fav 10 1945 753
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Twice...

Fav 7 1677 732
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

I have a surprise for you guys

(937): View more from Ohio

What is it?

(740): View more from Ohio

A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS

Fav 21 4453 970
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.

(651): View more from Minnesota

It's like the Christmas morning of dicks

Fav 7 1387 671
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...

(303): View more from Colorado

Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?

Fav 4 1123 852
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around

Fav 4 709 1001
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?

Fav 2 1452 622
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.

Fav 4 1883 701
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?

Fav 8 1752 804
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.

Fav 7 1471 1082
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?

Fav 7 1291 1047
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.

Fav 3 1084 585
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA

Fav 5 1003 715
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.

Fav 8 1111 651
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk

Fav 2 1073 587
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails

(1-410): View more from Maryland

I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"

(1-410): View more from Maryland

The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"

Fav 3 1631 768
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?

Fav 16 1343 1060
share tweet
(909): View more from California

I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...

Fav 5 1052 570
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.

Fav 7 672 1656
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.

Fav 9 2051 713
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT

Fav 13 872 1911
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.

Fav 9 1241 656
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.

Fav 4 1530 690
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.

Fav 24 665 1452
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment

Fav 4 2020 799
share tweet
(657): View more from California

He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.

Fav 8 2360 1113
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.

Fav 4 2267 881
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?

Fav 9 1758 1108
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.

Fav 2 1297 714
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"

Fav 14 1631 701
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying

Fav 8 1898 770
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch

Fav 7 1047 658
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.

Fav 5 953 698
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.

Fav 5 660 1463
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?

Fav 27 1137 822
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.

Fav 6 2146 692
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.

Fav 6 1606 735
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...

Fav 3 1354 613
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.

Fav 9 1054 708
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.

Fav 11 1534 735
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse

Fav 9 975 941
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class

Fav 7 1307 649
share tweet
(916): View more from California

All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott

Fav 5 1268 631
share tweet
(916): View more from California

They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk

Fav 3 653 1650
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.

Fav 12 3349 971
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?

Fav 7 899 1156
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.

Fav 12 662 1164
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.

Fav 9 733 1427
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.

Fav 7 745 1116
share tweet
(661): View more from California

I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.

Fav 1 1050 603
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA

Fav 5 607 1356
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite

Fav 7 943 1360
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains

Fav 6 1692 860
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.

Fav 10 1857 682
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull

Fav 2 893 1355
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.

Fav 11 1625 780
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard

Fav 2 891 680
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?

Fav 7 1283 700
share tweet
(415): View more from California

The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.

Fav 9 1513 682
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this

Fav 6 1319 696
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned

Fav 4 1206 658
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.

Fav 3 1123 681
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.

Fav 7 1566 740
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.

Fav 13 3421 992
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.

Fav 4 1096 561
share tweet
(731): View more from Tennessee

Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...

Fav 22 1781 1021
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester

Fav 26 1206 692
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?

Fav 13 1491 688
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide

Fav 0 907 944
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.

(1-406): View more from Montana

You're so romantic.

Fav 2 1320 665
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.

Fav 4 1281 681
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.

Fav 3 772 647
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.

(203): View more from Connecticut

You're perfect

Fav 17 1273 979
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.

Fav 2 771 1166
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.

Fav 6 950 613
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.

Fav 9 1335 637
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.

Fav 12 912 1396
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."

Fav 6 2091 836
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.

Fav 11 1014 2096
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!

Fav 5 1255 698
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards

Fav 2 1591 660
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?

Fav 10 1112 1790
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.

Fav 12 1254 1242
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."

Fav 21 1035 809
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.

(1-229): View more from Georgia

I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.

Fav 15 1145 935
share tweet
(418): View more from Quebec

You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner

Fav 6 1186 642
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.

Fav 9 1712 729
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.

Fav 10 1120 662
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.

Fav 8 1630 710
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.

(502): View more from Kentucky

Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.

Fav 11 2345 736
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.

Fav 5 1304 686
share tweet
(881): View more from

I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.

Fav 33 1676 808
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.

Fav 7 1093 672
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver

Fav 7 1244 814
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

It's blow job season.

Fav 51 1946 765
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!

Fav 27 834 1768
share tweet
(358): View more from

I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.

Fav 8 787 1518
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy

Fav 7 707 941
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.

Fav 14 1161 594
share tweet
(530): View more from California

My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed

Fav 5 1142 606
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.

Fav 11 931 1250
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Get you some cowboy.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.

Fav 6 1288 718
share tweet
(760): View more from California

Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly

Fav 3 1125 700
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.

Fav 4 1157 568
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.

Fav 9 1066 713
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?

Fav 7 1293 608
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

Do I really need this much space in my mouth?

(414): View more from Wisconsin

Are you already high?

Fav 10 1594 686
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.

Fav 14 723 1140
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.

Fav 1 1162 602
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?

Fav 7 1003 1263
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor

Fav 9 1300 740
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?

Fav 21 2070 1075
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.

Fav 9 1129 694
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.

(1-904): View more from Florida

I told you to check, dude

(904): View more from Florida

Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.

Fav 14 1832 880
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.

Fav 10 1594 834
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!

Fav 14 714 2102
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire

Fav 7 802 1368
share tweet
(320): View more from Minnesota

he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.

Fav 9 711 1142
share tweet
(415): View more from California

OPIZZABONMYDICK

Fav 14 971 778
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"

Fav 8 1627 737
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.

(1-720): View more from Colorado

Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.

(720): View more from Colorado

I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.

(720): View more from Colorado

I rest my case.

Fav 10 2528 897
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.

Fav 15 2973 870
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.

Fav 5 1220 749
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.

Fav 6 1821 816
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept

Fav 13 744 1906
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?

Fav 4 825 1009
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.

Fav 4 703 1233
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.

Fav 14 959 2434
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

BoomCity!!!

(1-937): View more from Ohio

You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.

Fav 10 2697 743
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2

Fav 5 1073 1101
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow

Fav 2 920 652
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man

Fav 7 825 1424
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.

Fav 6 1673 601
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.

Fav 10 2013 788
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."

Fav 2 1379 773
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad

Fav 5 1015 794
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.

Fav 8 1501 740
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.

Fav 2 1012 738
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.

Fav 3 2120 735
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.

Fav 3 1146 1244
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.

Fav 13 1603 831
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

How high are you?

(413): View more from Massachusetts

I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth

Fav 5 1522 711
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house

Fav 5 1143 642
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.

Fav 11 1594 727
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving

Fav 18 2512 872
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

So did he inherit the massive family cock?

(1-317): View more from Indiana

:(

Fav 9 882 2532
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

We have started to decorate penises.

Fav 12 1001 640
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.

Fav 9 2524 710
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me

Fav 19 2188 859
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.

Fav 20 1373 763
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?

(1-708): View more from Illinois

Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.

Fav 14 1595 892
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!

Fav 10 2539 772
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???

Fav 20 2734 850
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper

Fav 4 1051 629
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.

Fav 26 2140 1138
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.

Fav 7 693 997
share tweet
(562): View more from California

I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas

Fav 7 1087 532
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.

Fav 2 937 685
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am

Fav 5 1202 736
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless

Fav 3 1462 616
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are

Fav 11 658 1521
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina

(513): View more from Ohio

Post that event on your timeline

Fav 31 1966 766
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.

Fav 2 620 807
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"

Fav 4 1523 677
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

10 points to you

Fav 8 2418 722
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!

Fav 8 1130 635
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.

Fav 10 1803 639
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru

Fav 4 1059 581
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.

Fav 8 1005 1052
share tweet
(209): View more from California

His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.

Fav 9 1671 887
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.

Fav 7 1788 810
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM

Fav 23 1609 683
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.

Fav 4 1653 852
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life

Fav 2 1176 679
share tweet
(418): View more from Quebec

I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC

Fav 12 1209 1766
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"

Fav 21 1783 958
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours

Fav 3 1265 737
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.

Fav 6 829 1182
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.

Fav 5 1350 616
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo

Fav 17 899 1268
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?

(1-504): View more from Louisiana

omg mom no

(504): View more from Louisiana

It's so blood brotha crip what be good

Fav 17 2555 1139
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life

Fav 7 1327 892
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"

Fav 9 2908 893
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will

Fav 3 1041 1048
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.

(1-563): View more from Iowa

I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.

Fav 3 1382 685
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"

Fav 12 1452 725
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?

(515): View more from Iowa

Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...

Fav 4 979 611
share tweet
(714): View more from California

You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.

Fav 5 706 1145
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family

Fav 7 2581 833
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.

Fav 12 1537 775
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.

Fav 8 2576 931
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful

Fav 7 945 594
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog

Fav 6 1351 814
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"

Fav 10 1599 763
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Topless dodge ball cldnt top that

Fav 6 1090 599
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.

Fav 3 1140 651
share tweet
(760): View more from California

He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.

Fav 4 1726 797
share tweet
(760): View more from California

I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.

Fav 19 1755 889
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.

Fav 29 1252 2381
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?

Fav 10 2755 849
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.

Fav 2 1653 782
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single

Fav 3 1407 689
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...

Fav 5 1401 701
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...

Fav 11 1068 1596
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.

Fav 10 675 1598
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together

Fav 4 1613 642
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.

Fav 9 1406 652
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.

Fav 8 1641 774
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"

Fav 9 2242 1073
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?

Fav 7 816 706
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.

Fav 15 802 1160
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.

Fav 31 1549 727
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.

Fav 6 1091 867
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.

Fav 4 1240 764
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.

Fav 11 917 2477
share tweet
(858): View more from California

I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail

Fav 2 1207 647
share tweet
(805): View more from California

I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore

Fav 4 1415 885
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off

Fav 10 1494 680
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.

Fav 4 1316 678
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.

(503): View more from Oregon

Score one for dad.

Fav 6 2382 749
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.

Fav 5 1745 830
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...

Fav 2 867 580
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.

Fav 4 1235 631
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.

Fav 4 1080 627
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.

Fav 5 1517 680
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.

Fav 7 1153 641
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway

Fav 16 1511 738
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.

Fav 6 1067 906
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.

Fav 7 740 1413
share tweet
(805): View more from California

Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life

Fav 3 1650 724
share tweet
(818): View more from California

the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes

Fav 2 1329 718
share tweet
(310): View more from California

yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies

Fav 3 1219 653
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand

Fav 8 2442 701
share tweet
(760): View more from California

We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix

(760): View more from California

THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE

Fav 5 1811 704
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives

Fav 7 2036 729
share tweet
(925): View more from California

she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat

Fav 6 862 823
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.

Fav 4 1216 625
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick

Fav 9 1395 667
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.

Fav 5 1640 795
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES

Fav 10 1881 929
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.

Fav 18 1003 784
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget

Fav 10 771 1244
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out

(417): View more from Missouri

You'd think the first few times would have been enough

Fav 10 905 1777
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.

Fav 10 1177 670
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her

Fav 4 788 2469
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.

Fav 8 1213 996
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.

Fav 10 995 1580
share tweet
(415): View more from California

White people are beatboxing! Save me.

Fav 4 871 1416
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market

Fav 3 1110 1000
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.

Fav 5 887 1589
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.

Fav 2 670 1275
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.

Fav 7 1678 706
share tweet
(534): View more from Wisconsin

He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime

Fav 14 3095 743
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.

Fav 4 1848 690
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts

Fav 9 2329 810
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.

Fav 7 1155 677
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count

(516): View more from New York

then nothing in my life counts

Fav 8 2153 864
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

Whiskey??

(706): View more from Georgia

It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...

Fav 2 1014 1342
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.

Fav 3 1270 616
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance

Fav 4 658 1075
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.

(904): View more from Florida

Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again

Fav 2 591 1032
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent

Fav 6 668 1192
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5

Fav 10 1070 983
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.

Fav 10 1783 705
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.

Fav 1 1125 592
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.

Fav 7 2064 779
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown

(336): View more from North Carolina

Oh my god

Fav 3 696 1062
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.

Fav 5 680 1385
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

He's going to be my graduation present to myself.

Fav 3 1529 671
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.

(1-989): View more from Michigan

I'll uninvite my mom

Fav 5 1932 761
share tweet
(650): View more from California

My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.

Fav 2 1694 781
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.

Fav 8 945 602
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.

Fav 12 913 1877
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it

Fav 6 1796 721
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"

Fav 6 2318 737
share tweet
(951): View more from California

Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.

Fav 10 1274 798
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....

Fav 14 2694 995
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.

Fav 14 2230 797
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement

(1-434): View more from Virginia

Dude you were ten when he graduated

(434): View more from Virginia

Wahoowaaaaaaa

Fav 13 1596 836
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.

Fav 3 1236 680
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.

Fav 3 1146 620
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.

Fav 12 834 1231
share tweet
(415): View more from California

I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT

(707): View more from California

I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.

(415): View more from California

I effort

Fav 6 1829 908
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio

Fav 9 2325 852
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building

Fav 4 1434 738
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out

Fav 12 1516 763
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.

(606): View more from Kentucky

Fuck him.

Fav 3 1657 1177
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down

Fav 2 1074 723
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...

Fav 2 914 641
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex

Fav 8 745 1071
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...

Fav 6 3296 860
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.

Fav 10 1929 850
share tweet
(209): View more from California

Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)

Fav 4 1779 745
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.

Fav 8 1940 862
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.

Fav 5 1773 915
share tweet
(772): View more from Florida

Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.

Fav 9 811 2271
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.

Fav 9 684 916
share tweet
(650): View more from California

There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.

Fav 3 653 1158
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?

Fav 24 2993 1136
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult

Fav 8 2417 908
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?

Fav 6 1607 730
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.

Fav 10 2731 1341
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!

Fav 9 1700 722
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.

Fav 2 1090 557
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer

Fav 5 1530 645
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in

Fav 4 1134 683
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup

Fav 14 1133 919
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"

Fav 6 2069 652
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.

Fav 4 1310 691
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum

Fav 7 1113 764
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.

Fav 13 870 1364
share tweet
(619): View more from California

No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist

Fav 7 1574 749
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind

Fav 15 4101 930
share tweet
(415): View more from California

I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.

Fav 8 1352 794
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.

(732): View more from New Jersey

you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.

(732): View more from New Jersey

IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.

Fav 6 1641 903
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case

Fav 14 1963 1037
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.

(646): View more from New York

Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die

Fav 1 1297 727
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.

Fav 4 1295 1115
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.

Fav 10 1476 742
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.

Fav 7 1394 765
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.

Fav 1 2166 682
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center

Fav 7 1407 768
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.

Fav 1 1275 620
share tweet
(408): View more from California

Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?

Fav 5 1613 741
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season

Fav 7 724 1545
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus

Fav 11 1938 1335
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.

Fav 13 1332 832
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.

Fav 8 1623 755
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME

Fav 18 1803 1076
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?

Fav 9 622 1943
share tweet
(619): View more from California

According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.

Fav 2 1043 656
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.

Fav 8 1449 625
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...

Fav 2 1045 692
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?

Fav 7 1488 653
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.

Fav 4 2005 833
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.

Fav 10 837 1113
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?

Fav 3 1263 665
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"

Fav 1 640 897
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."

Fav 8 946 1803
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.

Fav 8 1113 657
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window

Fav 3 920 610
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.

Fav 11 1767 803
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.

Fav 4 1032 609
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

What does puking wasabi feel like?

(1-602): View more from Arizona

Like snorting cocaine backwards.

Fav 5 905 1803
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.

Fav 6 880 1742
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.

Fav 4 1022 1074
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?

Fav 5 1393 1056
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...

Fav 2 1060 692
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.

Fav 7 1307 797
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion

Fav 3 695 1189
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls

Fav 11 810 1283
share tweet
(760): View more from California

Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.

Fav 9 1796 766
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome

(1-917): View more from New York City

second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?

Fav 16 1900 894
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.

Fav 6 1770 872
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

A BJ like that needs to be recommended.

Fav 11 1826 764
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.

Fav 5 844 727
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!

Fav 7 654 1436
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.

Fav 9 793 1684
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?

Fav 4 685 973
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.

Fav 3 1278 762
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.

Fav 4 1701 798
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!

Fav 5 1982 741
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.

Fav 6 1253 578
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants

(812): View more from Indiana

That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.

Fav 2 1469 782
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever

Fav 6 1247 854
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message

Fav 1 1542 646
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.

Fav 11 2155 833
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.

Fav 1 1285 629
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".

Fav 7 1065 764
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing

Fav 4 733 2324
share tweet
(+45): View more from Denmark

I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned

Fav 6 1115 744
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other

Fav 4 1031 734
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Is she still in your room?

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.

Fav 8 2261 813
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...

Fav 4 1018 736
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.

Fav 22 1530 1400
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.

Fav 6 1117 642
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted

Fav 6 1766 797
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.

Fav 9 771 1444
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud

Fav 5 1406 737
share tweet
(408): View more from California

so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing

Fav 15 2718 798
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live

Fav 3 973 946
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.

Fav 12 1287 1211
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.

Fav 3 1002 873
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.

Fav 10 1121 641
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?

Fav 3 727 1136
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.

Fav 5 1810 674
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life

Fav 4 759 1307
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER

(1-319): View more from Iowa

THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL

Fav 12 3226 779
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

Bang-toberfest begins!!

Fav 5 1469 725
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow

Fav 5 2196 849
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.

Fav 14 888 1609
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it

(773): View more from Illinois

It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact

Fav 2 710 1185
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!

Fav 3 1606 739
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...

Fav 4 1549 772
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.

Fav 8 1547 979
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.

Fav 10 2009 1166
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.

Fav 6 2057 1053
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have

Fav 6 733 1758
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.

Fav 4 1660 768
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you

(303): View more from Colorado

Seriously. Castrate.

Fav 4 837 1120
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.

Fav 4 701 1244
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.

Fav 4 758 1628
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....

Fav 3 1667 676
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30

Fav 12 966 2818
share tweet
(760): View more from California

Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.

(818): View more from California

Because it is cat.

Fav 9 1932 960
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer

Fav 2 992 671
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i have an important question...can you drink in jail?

Fav 9 898 1370
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...

Fav 20 4610 954
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.

(1-309): View more from Illinois

I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.

Fav 7 1492 818
share tweet
(657): View more from California

He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"

(818): View more from California

this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!

Fav 13 3670 969
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated

Fav 3 1244 938
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials

Fav 3 1020 731
share tweet
(+46): View more from Sweden

Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.

Fav 1 962 597
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask

Fav 4 1562 658
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.

Fav 2 606 1037
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!

Fav 4 1409 778
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.

Fav 0 1036 561
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI

Fav 1 1025 716
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.

Fav 5 632 1652
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.

Fav 4 795 1366
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check

Fav 4 1068 667
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects

Fav 3 1712 803
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Did he at least offer you guys chips?

Fav 4 2363 863
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.

Fav 1 1165 563
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.

Fav 1 1596 1069
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.

Fav 8 3009 1477
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.

Fav 3 1381 713
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok

Fav 1 751 1106
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.

Fav 8 2099 901
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool

Fav 5 1405 716
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.

Fav 8 959 1163
share tweet
(858): View more from California

I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.

Fav 6 1343 817
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.

Fav 6 1236 692
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.

(1-601): View more from Mississippi

Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?

Fav 17 2376 795
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?

Fav 8 729 1028
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?

Fav 7 1549 754
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will

Fav 4 1231 1071
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.

Fav 4 2234 756
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...

Fav 6 754 1782
share tweet
(510): View more from California

Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...

Fav 5 1157 636
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.

Fav 8 1894 937
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there

Fav 2 1769 632
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.

Fav 6 1697 818
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.

Fav 14 892 1190
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.

Fav 7 901 646
share tweet
(310): View more from California

i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now

Fav 17 791 2526
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle

Fav 3 1252 575
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns

Fav 10 1927 779
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.

Fav 5 1766 714
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?

Fav 4 1218 648
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?

Fav 9 1552 1052
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.

Fav 4 646 1251
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.

Fav 20 2970 973
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.

Fav 4 860 1701
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~

Fav 6 2106 848
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.

Fav 6 878 1602
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.

Fav 3 1499 772
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.

Fav 6 1748 834
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.

Fav 10 1596 689
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.

Fav 9 652 1424
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.

Fav 5 1141 736
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"

Fav 14 1568 848
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.

Fav 3 1494 733
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.

Fav 4 1585 720
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.

(407): View more from Florida

I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.

Fav 1 1758 692
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.

Fav 2 913 1307
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

i think my tv is drunk

Fav 5 1647 791
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

How drunk are you??

(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm flawless.

Fav 8 2650 988
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm not a mortal combat character

(410): View more from Maryland

but my vagina is

Fav 16 1753 850
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent

(860): View more from Connecticut

fuckk wrong person

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

.. who was that for? a girlscout?

Fav 31 3169 1865
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

grinding to god bless the USA? really?

(860): View more from Connecticut

shut up

Fav 12 1192 1538
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

oh good, I think they're gone

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the painters?

(860): View more from Connecticut

my herpes

Fav 7 1069 1747
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.

Fav 9 3666 945
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa

(860): View more from Connecticut

oh sweet, sweet irony

Fav 24 3566 905
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

How did you manage that?

(860): View more from Connecticut

Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis

(203): View more from Connecticut

lol... jersey girls rock

Fav 66 1357 3228
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy

(860): View more from Connecticut

enjoy the hospital

Fav 7 2543 952
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her

(860): View more from Connecticut

but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"

(860): View more from Connecticut

but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies

Fav 42 3054 1388
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

What did we do last night that was yellow?

Fav 4 1399 2196
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.

Fav 9 1080 3350
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.

Fav 2 766 2776
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go

(860): View more from Connecticut

Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head

Fav 41 5123 840
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.

Fav 49 930 6836
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross

(860): View more from Connecticut

its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary

(716): View more from New York

i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal

Fav 70 3268 1054
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Why does Jon Cryer have a career?

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

That is a good question.

Fav 14 1569 989
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?

Fav 45 4430 1272
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?

Fav 12 2865 1000
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep

(860): View more from Connecticut

yeah i got into a fight with my man last night

(860): View more from Connecticut

why can't men just shut up and put out?

Fav 60 2641 2223
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?

Fav 12 1107 2406
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm in love with you.

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

huh?

(860): View more from Connecticut

Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.

Fav 14 3503 1065
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.

Fav 32 974 3334
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds

Fav 112 3349 1231
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"

Fav 19 1731 3510
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly

Fav 14 1105 3768
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup

Fav 18 1377 4198
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I can't believe he cheated

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how

Fav 37 1291 3339
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died

Fav 13 855 2987
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

isnt it creepy that our bodies make people

Fav 98 6410 1258
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.

Fav 17 4525 737
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.

(860): View more from Connecticut

what did you do?

(203): View more from Connecticut

i asked her out. that's so hot.

Fav 56 10055 1277
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass

Fav 24 1716 5558
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized

Fav 22 1244 6568
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.

Fav 32 1084 5559
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.

Fav 25 3667 951
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?

Fav 5 1068 4355
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?

Fav 10 7006 864
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?

(860): View more from Connecticut

Becoming a productive member of society?

(509): View more from Washington

Sam. Come on.

Fav 38 7117 1194
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

Fav 104 9039 1647
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.

Fav 9 807 3748
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache

Fav 22 4841 966
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth

Fav 54 926 10663
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape

(617): View more from Massachusetts

wtf, did you fuck a retard?!

Fav 11 1194 4531
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers

Fav 32 3276 1547
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I hate that ur telling me this.

Fav 19 1233 4649
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"

Fav 19 4852 1667
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.

Fav 27 4345 1450
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.

Fav 15 4838 1292
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story

Fav 16 3928 1091
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.

Fav 17 4547 928
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist

Fav 16 1762 4524
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen

Fav 59 7125 1799
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"

Fav 17 6255 1071
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"

Fav 38 6151 879
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.

Fav 10 3931 740
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.

Fav 81 8707 1367
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?

Fav 46 3078 8632
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.

Fav 30 1652 10593
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!

Fav 370 5222 5861
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.

Fav 87 1477 6600
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?

Fav 12 1350 4033
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.

Fav 4 3612 884
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name

Fav 26 1106 8929
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.

Fav 78 7112 1153
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?

Fav 42 1869 3979
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.

Fav 9 1296 3379
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.

Fav 17 1370 4659
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please

Fav 30 3424 1566
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.

Fav 30 1867 4040
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.

Fav 50 1316 12142
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes

Fav 23 4745 1160
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

my vagina's been through so much this weekend

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?

Fav 35 8085 1418
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.

Fav 10 3290 833
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

of course. lets lasso hookers.

Fav 13 4315 1076
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.

Fav 18 4798 1481
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face

Fav 60 2076 7901
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow

Fav 66 906 6377
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog

Fav 27 1911 7675
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer

Fav 6 4592 1349
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.

Fav 9 1147 5129
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Well how do you think I feel

(860): View more from Connecticut

fair enough

Fav 39 10008 1245
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.

Fav 85 11153 2920
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

please don't let me die tonight

(860): View more from Connecticut

what have you done for me lately?

Fav 18 5178 1630
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one

Fav 27 6555 1254
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.

Fav 212 1152 10859
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.

Fav 14 1613 4664
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted

Fav 7 4413 953
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.

Fav 19 10027 1245
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.

Fav 14 1208 5531
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day

Fav 4 3825 979
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?

Fav 3 3582 886
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica

Fav 10 4956 1712
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie

Fav 17 4831 2193
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that

Fav 37 2727 6963
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.

Fav 21 2712 5162
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun

Fav 16 7574 1246
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.

Fav 14 5003 1214
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan

Fav 10 6820 1207
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once

Fav 9 4388 1079
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.

Fav 13 5930 1260
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?

Fav 19 5075 1402
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway

(860): View more from Connecticut

That's what she gets for taking his peeps.

Fav 12 1334 3367
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

without a question

Fav 10 4533 1263
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes

Fav 24 5315 2859
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora

Fav 19 5034 2131
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot

Fav 62 1912 9807
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.

Fav 11 3652 1555
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.

Fav 17 4711 2301
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?

Fav 32 5115 1320
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes

Fav 22 2599 4741
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.

Fav 37 1547 6449
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs

Fav 18 11090 1653
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.

Fav 15 2056 4276
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.

Fav 13 5208 1874
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat

Fav 17 1647 5386
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

we've started having sober sex

(203): View more from Connecticut

you really do like him

Fav 19 9225 1343
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..

Fav 8 6048 1447
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal

Fav 19 6461 2188
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.

Fav 5 5025 1203
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.

Fav 6 4781 1343
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty

Fav 14 4772 1441
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.

Fav 16 1648 6152
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.

Fav 17 5024 1495
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.

Fav 4 4122 1431
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins

Fav 34 2033 4682
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.

Fav 29 1492 5648
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!

(860): View more from Connecticut

One less school supply you need to buy!!

Fav 25 5619 1557
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"

Fav 12 5935 1564
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.

Fav 16 8867 1749
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy

Fav 10 3746 1306
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

He just wants an even tan

Fav 18 4461 1474
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life

Fav 37 6447 1619
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..

Fav 15 5700 1824
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

There is too much vodka and too much dick.

Fav 25 3881 2021
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.

Fav 9 953 4300
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.

Fav 31 6433 1388
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict

Fav 11 2747 2431
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

So many bounce houses so little time

Fav 6 3848 1037
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.

Fav 22 5939 1329
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?

Fav 37 5365 1192
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.

Fav 22 6011 1340
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.

Fav 6 3549 1142
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog

Fav 6 1589 3315
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.

Fav 5 930 3526
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job

Fav 26 1402 5544
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.

Fav 8 4100 1504
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.

Fav 30 15357 1683
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.

Fav 18 5419 1772
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie

Fav 5 3322 1064
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.

Fav 14 3378 1320
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.

Fav 20 7669 1425
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.

Fav 5 3550 1267
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.

Fav 20 4332 1505
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated

Fav 7 2337 1977
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing

(860): View more from Connecticut

So?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

This is why you shouldn't make decisions

Fav 4 3768 1114
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.

Fav 19 1078 5963
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.

Fav 13 2886 4906
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms

Fav 2 2418 1137
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore

Fav 24 5678 1341
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.

Fav 20 2380 3028
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton

Fav 2 3657 1229
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.

Fav 18 5776 1342
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.

Fav 7 3223 1383
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.

Fav 11 5632 1465
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I have no recollection of sleep choking you

Fav 8 1847 2468
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I smell like Captain Morgan and tears

Fav 11 1662 3039
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.

Fav 6 1971 938
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg

Fav 6 3555 961
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b

Fav 7 1910 2552
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.

Fav 5 1045 1618
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?

Fav 4 894 1630
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny

Fav 9 2242 1248
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.

Fav 2 1929 1141
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.

Fav 4 1939 1011
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?

(860): View more from Connecticut

Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time

Fav 2 2591 985
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!

Fav 11 1552 821
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum

Fav 10 3302 1059
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'

(860): View more from Connecticut

where do you find these guys?

Fav 14 3113 1545
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.

Fav 4 3121 913
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.

Fav 12 3700 1495
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

(802): View more from Vermont

So basically you were a dog.

Fav 14 8755 1365
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom

Fav 3 2164 831
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?

Fav 9 1953 826
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.

Fav 9 1737 923
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

peace be with you.

Fav 3 2439 799
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.

Fav 5 1120 1690
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season

Fav 6 2046 1067
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.

Fav 4 1468 1158
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.

Fav 4 1954 790
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I have got to meet this girl.

Fav 7 2495 851
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"

Fav 7 2016 853
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs

Fav 14 1338 1159
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.

Fav 17 3788 1394
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...

Fav 5 1775 841
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.

Fav 16 2295 1445
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct

Fav 3 1967 761
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens

Fav 2 2375 898
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?

Fav 7 1199 776
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"

Fav 1 1726 912
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.

Fav 8 2292 1027
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

This is love.

(860): View more from Connecticut

Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?

Fav 3 1676 748
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.

Fav 3 1977 1206
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.

Fav 4 2641 1129
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.

Fav 3 1667 701
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life

(860): View more from Connecticut

.....a litte

Fav 6 1498 743
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.

Fav 4 3112 925
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?

Fav 10 1743 767
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."

Fav 8 1812 746
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies

Fav 7 1761 1004
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.

Fav 6 2171 701
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.

Fav 3 3414 804
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.

Fav 4 2439 849
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep

Fav 5 1380 755
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I remember it like it was tomorrow.

Fav 2 2583 876
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?

Fav 9 1275 792
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you

(860): View more from Connecticut

I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.

Fav 5 1667 711
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

what type of emt are you

Fav 4 1759 982
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.

Fav 1 1185 667
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.

Fav 4 840 1353
share tweet
(805): View more from California

We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"

Fav 4 1904 775
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.

Fav 16 1790 841
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...

Fav 4 901 711
share tweet
(258): View more from

You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.

Fav 3 583 978
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.

Fav 3 1372 763
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one

Fav 3 1906 682
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday

Fav 7 1317 869
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay

Fav 4 2753 815
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !

Fav 5 1156 698
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.

Fav 12 1009 2548
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"

Fav 5 1398 646
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.

Fav 3 1208 895
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"

Fav 4 1871 914
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"

Fav 4 1514 907
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.

Fav 7 3244 990
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

You made out with two different species that night

Fav 8 771 1653
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.

Fav 7 1170 1027
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

So all in all, a good night.

Fav 0 1675 773
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.

Fav 7 3237 891
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.

Fav 10 2284 805
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"

Fav 4 1939 834
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.

Fav 10 1865 843
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.

Fav 5 1546 666
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?

Fav 5 769 1166
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.

Fav 7 1100 893
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?

Fav 10 1598 670
share tweet
(707): View more from California

As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.

Fav 5 1164 724
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?

Fav 2 939 742
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself

Fav 1 1104 602
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes

Fav 4 1350 825
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.

Fav 3 1169 691
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.

Fav 2 1561 821
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober

Fav 3 1097 695
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.

Fav 9 1716 824
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...

Fav 1 1747 915
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds

Fav 9 1519 809
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?

Fav 5 905 1132
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.

Fav 9 3564 897
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.

Fav 6 2176 824
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.

Fav 3 990 1529
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent

Fav 6 706 1480
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying

Fav 6 610 971
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls

Fav 4 1073 814
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.

Fav 3 1437 1134
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS

Fav 10 1261 746
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.

Fav 22 2372 1044
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot

Fav 7 2626 852
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever

Fav 2 1548 747
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore

Fav 9 1329 786
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.

Fav 2 987 717
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.

(615): View more from Tennessee

My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.

Fav 10 2141 780
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.

Fav 7 1314 604
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.

Fav 2 1758 649
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?

Fav 14 641 1588
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.

Fav 2 3888 874
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?

Fav 7 1630 803
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno

Fav 8 1131 734
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.

Fav 8 1160 697
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...

Fav 4 1338 662
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.

Fav 3 1383 731
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.

(1-561): View more from Florida

How high are you?

Fav 19 1242 1923
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has

Fav 2 1027 632
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."

Fav 4 2218 901
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.

Fav 13 2587 985
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

i would punch a child for taco bell

Fav 41 5931 1400
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite

(917): View more from New York City

get a pic

(718): View more from New York

i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that

(917): View more from New York City

i want ur life

Fav 25 2847 722
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.

Fav 6 1683 793
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.

Fav 6 2227 1285
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.

Fav 5 1382 807
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year

Fav 1 2596 797
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish

Fav 6 2567 1462
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison

Fav 11 3374 1350
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about

Fav 9 7052 1306
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?

Fav 39 4409 2160
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class

Fav 22 5327 1663
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches

Fav 19 4191 1337
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter

Fav 15 1342 4770
share tweet
(289): View more from Ontario

Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.

Fav 64 9059 1270
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

Yea well when i pee it makes steam.

Fav 11 2664 1253
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.

Fav 11 2299 827
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless

Fav 19 4370 1002
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.

Fav 6 2350 1139
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.

Fav 7 3823 1345
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.

Fav 6 2947 1068
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow

Fav 5 3124 1578
share tweet
(786): View more from Florida

I miss vodka workout Fridays

Fav 5 3181 1254
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno

Fav 12 4167 1366
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently

Fav 21 4312 1180
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"

Fav 19 11271 1629
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina

Fav 24 2794 5769
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge

Fav 15 1016 3684
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.

Fav 13 888 3358
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.

Fav 4 1367 645
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic

Fav 10 2824 1366
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.

Fav 7 939 1710
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.

Fav 20 6945 1190
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.

Fav 3 3042 1301
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.

Fav 6 1820 3498
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.

Fav 5 2597 1159
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.

Fav 3 2463 1083
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.

Fav 103 3514 12852
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.

Fav 17 7015 2321
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.

Fav 12 4940 1066
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Where were you when I was single???

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

Still in diapers.

Fav 15 1853 1059
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.

Fav 2 915 892
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

I learned so much about myself in that shower.

Fav 7 1211 601
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.

(801): View more from Utah

International sake day = success

Fav 9 1244 575
share tweet
(819): View more from Quebec

I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.

Fav 8 2862 743
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.

Fav 0 571 874
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Why do you think she gets more guys?

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that

Fav 2 1808 715
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them

Fav 10 780 1352
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers

Fav 11 743 1334
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.

Fav 2 1062 660
share tweet
(805): View more from California

You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.

Fav 14 985 1502
share tweet
(+49): View more from Germany

I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!

(303): View more from Colorado

It's a Tuesday.

Fav 4 1796 859
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.

Fav 5 1169 696
share tweet
(909): View more from California

Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.

Fav 7 727 2225
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?

Fav 4 1445 849
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero

Fav 9 1804 754
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.

Fav 7 1657 1130
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."

Fav 18 987 2182
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...

Fav 3 1122 831
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.

Fav 10 1425 1058
share tweet
(361): View more from Texas

Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.

Fav 1 1510 697
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.

Fav 4 2223 814
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.

Fav 8 2018 1003
share tweet
(661): View more from California

I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.

Fav 8 1177 936
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".

Fav 10 4494 986
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.

Fav 6 1556 809
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.

Fav 8 1822 925
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

Fav 82 31329 2833
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.

Fav 101 31709 5403
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

Fav 62 31764 1917
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

Fav 80 32308 1628
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

Fav 41 32283 1495
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.

Fav 91 31987 1633
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.

Fav 157 32502 1783
share tweet
(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

Fav 107 32823 1974
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

How do you jack off and text at the same time?

(1-281): View more from Texas

On my iPhone they have an app for that

Fav 84 32218 2439
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.

Fav 166 32928 2483
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

Fav 210 33065 3529
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

Fav 131 32854 3008
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.

Fav 98 33310 1775
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

Fav 92 33672 2308
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

Fav 110 34540 1818
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

Fav 83 35243 2055
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

Fav 29 34808 1713
share tweet
(831): View more from California

theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it

Fav 216 35066 2918
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

Fav 101 35342 4427
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

Fav 60 37317 1624
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

Fav 180 38253 5878
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

Fav 41 39278 2240
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

Fav 52 38162 2303
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

Fav 118 39403 1936
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'

Fav 79 39335 2227
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

Fav 69 39787 2523
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....

Fav 100 39353 1769
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

Fav 86 39696 2411
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

Fav 111 40362 3924
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

Fav 106 39925 2449
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.

Fav 197 39516 2103
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

Fav 77 39771 2393
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

Fav 140 40095 2215
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

Fav 71 40820 2202
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

Fav 119 41646 2326
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

(910): View more from North Carolina

IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

Fav 83 41216 2672
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

Fav 86 41319 2575
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

Fav 98 42077 2247
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

Fav 109 41378 2662
share tweet
(661): View more from California

the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

Fav 74 42084 1694
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're the best girlfriend ever.

Fav 145 41238 2023
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

Fav 205 41515 3928
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

Fav 124 42104 3339
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

Fav 388 41770 4646
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

Fav 125 44238 1934
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

Fav 97 45278 2188
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

Fav 134 45578 2413
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

Fav 349 45453 5486
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

Fav 81 46058 2515
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

Fav 109 45413 2757
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.

Fav 139 45452 10186
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."

Fav 4 3611 956
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

cocks speak louder than words, as they say

(914): View more from New York

Nobody says that.

Fav 8 2125 882
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.

Fav 3 2084 819
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.

Fav 1 1413 613
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...

Fav 2 1105 696
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.

Fav 3 1089 607
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents

Fav 2 1619 620
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma

Fav 3 894 584
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.

Fav 2 1037 793
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"

Fav 2 611 1202
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.

Fav 6 1501 612
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics

Fav 7 1253 629
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.

Fav 6 1346 632
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......

Fav 6 706 1558
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.

Fav 3 1216 952
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.

Fav 5 1790 800
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.

Fav 9 2067 1040
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.

Fav 12 1295 914
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!

(1-512): View more from Texas

Did she say Ok?

Fav 8 2587 999
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.

Fav 4 1058 646
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.

Fav 12 2284 1006
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING

Fav 1 1677 743
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.

Fav 13 1390 2523
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.

Fav 12 1949 1046
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.

Fav 4 1118 651
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.

Fav 8 1335 787
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

Fav 111 47667 3211
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

Fav 117 48527 2764
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

Fav 125 48822 2421
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

Fav 50 49690 1932
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

Fav 48 49304 2811
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

Fav 83 51208 2739
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

Fav 112 53247 2386
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

Fav 87 53643 3889
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

Fav 185 53787 3103
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

Fav 214 53079 3393
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

Fav 176 53650 6693
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

Fav 79 54006 2792
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

Fav 280 55474 5258
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

Fav 436 57258 7322
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

Fav 63 59909 1927
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

Fav 190 59119 5676
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

Fav 362 61939 8169
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

Fav 131 63488 2873
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

Fav 209 64412 3036
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

Fav 290 63940 5489
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

Fav 236 67229 3283
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

Fav 154 67662 4391
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

Fav 116 67828 4684
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

Fav 249 68662 3916
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

Fav 54 75095 3010
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

Fav 298 76378 3427
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

Fav 202 82800 5241
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

Fav 179 88548 4082
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

Fav 510 88708 9682
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

Fav 206 89716 8272
share tweet
(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

Fav 167 92792 4894
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

Fav 184 96422 5743
share tweet
(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

Fav 304 104248 6824
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true

Fav 414 106498 10567
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

Fav 445 115822 11197
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

Fav 204 120248 4356
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

Fav 127 131162 3914
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

Fav 388 131996 5198
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

Fav 534 137226 6911
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

Fav 842 146096 10747
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

Fav 1642 173866 44319
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

Fav 509 178656 8184
share tweet
(626): View more from California

Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy

Fav 2 931 1954
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.

Fav 9 2319 724
share tweet
(771): View more from

i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.

Fav 11 745 1360
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

I love you football head

Fav 7 2864 969
share tweet
(415): View more from California

My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"

Fav 4 1115 721
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob

Fav 10 2205 964
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.

Fav 7 1922 859
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.

Fav 6 990 1165
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea

Fav 6 639 1016
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.

(239): View more from Florida

that is the opposite of a normal text message.

Fav 6 2044 869
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?

Fav 1 1083 655
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set

Fav 12 1611 1152
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass

Fav 6 2242 974
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me

Fav 11 2475 823
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.

Fav 10 842 1424
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.

(1-715): View more from Wisconsin

PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.

(1-715): View more from Wisconsin

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.

Fav 15 2443 960
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing

Fav 5 1257 701
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me

Fav 7 848 1151
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.

Fav 1 1740 678
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete

Fav 5 1330 838
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year

(604): View more from British Columbia

wow. THAT good huh

Fav 16 2203 794
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze

(713): View more from Texas

My liver has a boner

Fav 3 1718 843
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Tiny.

(402): View more from Nebraska

I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.

Fav 8 1783 981
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.

Fav 4 2493 842
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life

Fav 8 2884 910
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.

Fav 4 901 881
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper

(205): View more from Alabama

Restraining order pending?

Fav 6 1592 820
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.

Fav 5 1307 889
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.

Fav 16 1223 1846
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.

Fav 6 1324 776
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.

Fav 12 1289 803
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver

Fav 7 1467 840
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.

Fav 1 999 817
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.

Fav 4 1235 613
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.

Fav 1 1624 669
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?

Fav 7 1021 745
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.

(1-563): View more from Iowa

I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.

Fav 9 1961 770
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids

Fav 2 2171 649
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room

Fav 5 1432 865
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.

Fav 3 1740 809
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG

Fav 6 837 1171
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use

(716): View more from New York

how?

(585): View more from New York

not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days

Fav 13 2351 861
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.

Fav 3 1305 1156
share tweet
(760): View more from California

I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart

Fav 7 1282 789
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.

Fav 13 1709 910
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock

Fav 10 2341 1116
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.

Fav 13 2961 1018
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...

Fav 17 2591 888
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.

Fav 7 1342 744
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.

Fav 10 1301 745
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

We don't really communicate like that.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Communicate like what?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.

Fav 3 1993 949
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.

Fav 17 1040 1586
share tweet
(707): View more from California

I wish your snatch was here

(443): View more from Maryland

If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you

Fav 12 2016 985
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.

Fav 3 1158 944
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?

Fav 10 1692 902
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM

Fav 9 2208 871
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden

Fav 4 1237 766
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.

Fav 3 1371 698
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I'm romantic.

Fav 4 1835 798
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm

Fav 2 1045 624
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER

Fav 7 1587 762
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that

Fav 3 1565 707
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Wait does semen show up on blood tests?

Fav 26 824 1512
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.

Fav 3 1247 790
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.

Fav 5 940 1253
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.

Fav 2 1183 663
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!

Fav 6 2124 869
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future

Fav 1 1283 1102
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.

Fav 8 1232 814
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask

Fav 1 1088 700
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me

Fav 1 1132 730
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

I cannot FaceTime with your penis

Fav 10 1280 760
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.

Fav 1 1323 757
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.

Fav 11 1766 928
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am

Fav 6 2066 1031
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do

Fav 3 716 1243
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.

Fav 11 2475 796
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30

Fav 1 1115 715
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.

Fav 11 3640 1160
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question

Fav 7 1655 741
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.

Fav 10 1972 852
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.

(1-585): View more from New York

How high are you?

Fav 6 2692 865
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.

Fav 3 732 1216
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens

Fav 1 1751 730
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant

Fav 1 1361 679
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.

Fav 3 1572 836
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep

Fav 7 2338 1045
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.

Fav 6 1450 877
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings

Fav 5 1546 1960
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.

Fav 6 3006 1290
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?

Fav 3 1831 1163
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.

Fav 2 2252 1187
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.

Fav 13 2170 1607
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.

Fav 9 2980 1497
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants

Fav 7 1783 1199
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.

Fav 6 2440 1225
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?

Fav 10 1923 1186
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN

Fav 16 2197 1652
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.

Fav 9 1831 1261
share tweet
(320): View more from Minnesota

Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.

Fav 3 1691 614
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.

Fav 0 1168 723
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"

Fav 3 1526 843
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body

Fav 11 1898 969
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.

Fav 5 1508 756
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.

Fav 6 1384 690
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.

(203): View more from Connecticut

That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue

Fav 10 1965 875
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?

Fav 3 988 631
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.

Fav 1 1313 690
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?

Fav 6 1281 898
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid

Fav 5 770 1596
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

just woke up under a car ? That's odd

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Holy fucking shit

(845): View more from New York

WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT

Fav 8 3570 938
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.

Fav 3 975 1138
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan

Fav 11 2231 875
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

Are you really alive right now?

Fav 5 1932 882
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon

Fav 5 1503 805
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that

Fav 4 1854 987
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...

Fav 16 779 2381
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.

(312): View more from Illinois

So... He's a barber?

(847): View more from Illinois

No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?

Fav 1 1748 1001
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.

Fav 6 2103 942
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..

Fav 7 928 1405
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.

Fav 4 1819 766
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.

Fav 5 1270 702
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.

Fav 2 1098 731
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony

Fav 2 1650 687
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower

(1-281): View more from Texas

This could be the definition of living by yourself

Fav 2 1300 671
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...

Fav 6 2119 885
share tweet
(387): View more from

The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?

Fav 11 1688 672
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

This is why Helen Keller didn't drink

Fav 8 1173 809
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.

Fav 1 1157 669
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!

Fav 3 1577 683
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct

Fav 4 1255 684
share tweet
(909): View more from California

Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"

(951): View more from California

That's just where I'm at in my life.

Fav 10 1980 1310
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"

Fav 2 1280 691
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"

Fav 9 2406 949
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?

Fav 12 1508 868
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"

Fav 5 1491 795
share tweet
(805): View more from California

Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.

Fav 8 2213 734
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns

Fav 3 1526 757
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.

Fav 9 3044 1041
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour

Fav 12 2757 897
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?

Fav 1 691 1097
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it

Fav 5 1309 861
share tweet
(408): View more from California

You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."

Fav 2 1658 720
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.

Fav 3 1836 1162
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!

Fav 3 1262 875
share tweet
(650): View more from California

I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"

Fav 9 1968 1078
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.

Fav 4 1617 693
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea

Fav 5 2305 872
share tweet
(530): View more from California

Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it

Fav 5 1947 785
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods

Fav 6 3917 889
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.

Fav 4 1455 1063
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?

Fav 6 3467 1011
share tweet
(949): View more from California

I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice

Fav 11 1699 915
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?

Fav 15 737 1661
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.

Fav 7 1265 800
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.

Fav 1 1460 799
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing

Fav 6 1229 642
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.

Fav 1 758 1233
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"

Fav 1 1401 673
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.

Fav 3 846 1698
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.

Fav 1 1372 676
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.

Fav 4 1093 672
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.

Fav 6 1265 1198
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid

Fav 8 1914 798
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen

Fav 13 1612 691
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?

(540): View more from Virginia

Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude

Fav 9 1379 2640
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.

Fav 1 1052 923
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?

Fav 7 1882 811
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I need to hump something and I know u understand.

Fav 3 1423 759
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.

(1-214): View more from Texas

I love you.

Fav 5 2889 859
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.

Fav 4 1253 816
share tweet
(661): View more from California

He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.

Fav 25 3815 1003
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion

Fav 7 1769 1011
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE

Fav 8 2393 939
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with

Fav 5 1452 803
share tweet
(916): View more from California

The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.

Fav 5 1353 923
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...

Fav 12 3189 904
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back

Fav 8 758 1684
share tweet
(478): View more from Georgia

Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.

Fav 3 1190 642
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?

Fav 2 1699 608
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.

Fav 8 1484 803
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.

Fav 11 1569 775
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.

Fav 7 725 1147
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.

Fav 7 2362 900
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.

Fav 3 1300 791
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...

Fav 7 888 1735
share tweet
(650): View more from California

Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.

Fav 5 2009 792
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?

Fav 7 1964 846
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter

Fav 5 1450 771
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.

Fav 1 1245 638
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Thank you for not boning my boss.

Fav 1 1255 737
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.

Fav 9 1343 683
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle

Fav 6 1556 789
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom

Fav 4 837 1844
share tweet
(408): View more from California

Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.

Fav 1 801 1096
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.

Fav 14 3014 905
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?

Fav 13 1512 806
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head

Fav 3 1664 804
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.

Fav 9 2418 961
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK

Fav 13 1522 1324
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."

Fav 12 1938 857
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist

Fav 8 1833 967
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many

Fav 2 1941 789
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D

Fav 8 2830 796
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot

Fav 4 1823 849
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.

Fav 13 3060 977
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.

Fav 4 3210 1023
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?

Fav 2 1712 906
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.

Fav 5 1717 1037
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from

Fav 9 1120 3584
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place

(402): View more from Nebraska

This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded

(402): View more from Nebraska

Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood

Fav 8 2005 1035
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.

Fav 1 988 1145
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...

Fav 3 1756 1086
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him

Fav 16 2546 928
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Those were the highlights of my night.

Fav 8 2292 1027
share tweet
(760): View more from California

PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.

Fav 12 3115 1075
share tweet
(619): View more from California

He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.

Fav 6 3321 896
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.

Fav 12 1729 2409
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!

Fav 4 1933 928
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?

Fav 11 2824 967
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.

Fav 12 2801 1179
share tweet
(415): View more from California

There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.

(415): View more from California

No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans

Fav 13 4992 1251
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat

Fav 3 1214 1836
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.

Fav 11 2783 1081
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.

Fav 12 3344 1777
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.

Fav 5 1895 1159
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."

Fav 2 3329 933
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night

Fav 3 818 1362
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.

Fav 4 1240 762
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.

Fav 11 1807 745
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.

Fav 14 950 2373
share tweet
(+64): View more from New Zealand

The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.

Fav 1 2097 924
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.

Fav 7 3108 825
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you

Fav 3 3718 1552
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.

Fav 9 3115 842
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced

(210): View more from Texas

The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks

Fav 6 1976 972
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.

Fav 7 1731 1086
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...

Fav 6 2795 996
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!

Fav 15 2868 891
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.

Fav 5 965 1455
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.

Fav 8 2592 961
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again

Fav 19 2005 917
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

That's practically a relationship for you

Fav 26 2245 1256
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.

Fav 2 2428 835
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.

Fav 20 2273 901
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.

Fav 5 1910 915
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.

Fav 9 2482 1069
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?

Fav 14 1531 1970
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk

Fav 13 4174 1460
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.

Fav 6 2307 1030
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.

Fav 8 2631 985
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.

Fav 8 2654 857
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."

Fav 34 6321 1724
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?

Fav 10 1912 841
share tweet
(949): View more from California

You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"

Fav 6 1556 2200
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"

Fav 5 1809 852
share tweet
(969): View more from

I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.

Fav 5 2312 1263
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.

Fav 12 3459 1050
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%

(405): View more from Oklahoma

And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.

Fav 10 2630 1016
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.

Fav 20 1355 2825
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

what do i owe you?

(1-920): View more from Wisconsin

$237.46 to be exact.

(920): View more from Wisconsin

if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.

Fav 9 2567 960
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night

Fav 8 1503 919
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.

Fav 12 1068 2443
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?

Fav 15 3217 1515
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.

Fav 4 2100 858
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.

Fav 2 1757 908
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.

Fav 6 1350 801
share tweet
(714): View more from California

The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.

Fav 16 928 3146
share tweet
(661): View more from California

I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?

Fav 2 1677 821
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.

Fav 4 2329 817
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)

Fav 20 4235 1039
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.

Fav 8 2949 898
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean

Fav 12 2226 1105
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am

Fav 9 3231 1158
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.

Fav 9 2376 965
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.

Fav 4 1340 1648
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.

Fav 3 2105 880
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.

Fav 15 3330 1041
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear

Fav 5 1620 935
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.

Fav 2 1100 2061
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.

Fav 7 950 1544
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair

Fav 9 1369 2494
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table

Fav 5 2147 915
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals

Fav 17 2019 1156
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.

Fav 19 1190 2282
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"

Fav 5 2172 832
share tweet
(925): View more from California

He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.

Fav 23 3609 1003
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out

Fav 5 1413 1138
share tweet
(831): View more from California

i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila

Fav 8 1811 841
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?

Fav 19 938 2002
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.

Fav 23 5129 1209
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sorry. Im on my way.

Fav 23 6538 1353
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.

Fav 8 829 2470
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

When are you not under some influence?

(917): View more from New York City

Since last Tuesday...yesterday.

Fav 3 1741 924
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.

Fav 17 3338 1288
share tweet
(925): View more from California

At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way

Fav 5 1010 2139
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex

Fav 9 2767 1032
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game

Fav 11 3483 1212
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.

Fav 4 3468 1146
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".

Fav 8 3552 1078
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.

Fav 17 4279 1051
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.

Fav 14 3062 1492
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.

Fav 16 902 1524
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"

Fav 4 2244 1042
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.

Fav 6 997 2002
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.

Fav 7 1660 1366
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch

Fav 7 2794 1003
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective

Fav 2 1642 990
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore

Fav 6 1359 1592
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We still going to Happy Hour

(201): View more from New Jersey

Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up

Fav 2 1003 1320
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.

Fav 9 2020 757
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.

Fav 8 2237 865
share tweet
(786): View more from Florida

hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!

Fav 10 1435 2278
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded

Fav 3 2141 739
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Im 95% ready to shit behind 711

Fav 4 1436 2418
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?

Fav 7 4381 1012
share tweet
(226): View more from Ontario

This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex

Fav 7 2183 1349
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.

Fav 2 940 1680
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.

Fav 8 1944 1011
share tweet
(909): View more from California

It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?

Fav 8 2174 1020
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.

Fav 14 2539 957
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.

Fav 2 2328 861
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.

Fav 4 2704 988
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.

Fav 15 2148 907
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?

Fav 5 1428 781
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax

Fav 3 1712 1002
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.

Fav 5 2220 1360
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.

Fav 8 985 2329
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?

Fav 10 1175 2315
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.

(207): View more from Maine

HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.

Fav 21 3567 2473
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

None of those words made sense together.

Fav 6 2189 883
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"

Fav 4 2114 811
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.

Fav 1 1723 745
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.

Fav 4 1546 1032
share tweet
(565): View more from

It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.

Fav 14 2397 1156
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took

Fav 8 2581 905
share tweet
(862): View more from New Jersey

I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?

Fav 16 2711 1169
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.

Fav 9 4069 1070
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...

Fav 4 1287 971
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.

Fav 10 2896 994
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.

Fav 12 2320 1893
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route

Fav 6 3424 1021
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal

Fav 2 2538 994
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....

Fav 9 3159 1434
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."

Fav 9 1927 2140
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

DIN'T JUSGE NE.

Fav 15 4536 1199
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard

Fav 7 2768 1081
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".

Fav 2 1660 1118
share tweet
(415): View more from California

I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.

Fav 6 2417 1180
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.

Fav 9 1065 2434
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.

Fav 15 994 4201
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.

Fav 12 1115 2420
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.

Fav 5 1061 1905
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.

Fav 2 937 1585
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.

Fav 6 2100 867
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God

Fav 3 2568 1053
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.

Fav 3 900 2140
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?

Fav 5 2367 738
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.

Fav 7 2666 965
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Like Teddy Roosevelt

Fav 4 2272 1038
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.

Fav 2 1987 861
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?

Fav 18 2032 1062
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.

(941): View more from Florida

it was a krispy kreme

Fav 15 5497 1622
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.

Fav 6 2862 897
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision

Fav 24 1654 2863
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.

Fav 4 3064 1295
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...

Fav 1 1748 874
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.

Fav 3 1625 946
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

I woke up with glitter in my wounds.

Fav 11 2474 1406
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.

Fav 2 1916 1069
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now

Fav 10 3837 1037
share tweet
(731): View more from Tennessee

Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.

Fav 8 2931 1140
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.

Fav 4 1882 957
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.

Fav 3 2058 981
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony

Fav 6 1137 1838
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.

Fav 15 1573 3040
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...

Fav 5 2458 1250
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?

Fav 17 4598 1115
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.

Fav 8 2547 1482
share tweet
(+27): View more from South Africa

He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.

Fav 4 1975 1128
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?

Fav 5 1620 938
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.

Fav 4 1036 1589
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I'll always be here to give you immoral support.

Fav 6 3208 1182
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.

Fav 5 2581 1246
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.

Fav 6 2324 942
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.

Fav 4 2576 918
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.

Fav 7 1281 1892
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.

Fav 18 3822 1121
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment

Fav 8 1918 1035
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me

Fav 9 1939 1151
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother

Fav 14 3561 1363
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.

Fav 1 1554 2074
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.

Fav 13 1729 5610
share tweet
(415): View more from California

When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

Fav 17 9868 1514
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I can feel the alcohol in my calves

Fav 3 3098 1185
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..

Fav 3 1834 1552
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz

Fav 6 2823 1235
share tweet
(228): View more from Mississippi

i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy

Fav 1 2826 1294
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.

Fav 2 2389 1187
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"

Fav 16 1448 3871
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again

Fav 3 1824 2934
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off

Fav 2 2374 1190
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.

Fav 11 4410 1243
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?

Fav 4 3264 1364
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

and now there are teeth marks on my dick.

Fav 17 1535 5935
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively

Fav 1 2083 1159
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.

Fav 11 7275 1278
share tweet
(786): View more from Florida

you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you

Fav 2 3408 1184
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.

Fav 4 1539 2576
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I just found a bag of teeth...

Fav 18 1625 5038
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?

Fav 8 2641 1261
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough

Fav 5 2675 1181
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.

Fav 6 3980 1340
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon

Fav 10 1459 2342
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.

Fav 28 8564 1745
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.

Fav 4 2046 1564
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on

Fav 1 1359 1937
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.

Fav 19 3584 1661
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment

Fav 11 5120 1046
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.

Fav 10 1319 2525
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.

Fav 22 1752 4681
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.

Fav 6 2568 892
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?

Fav 5 1441 2131
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance

Fav 28 6429 2079
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.

Fav 2 2444 957
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .

Fav 6 3184 1464
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night

Fav 1 2235 1270
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.

Fav 10 830 3288
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina

Fav 23 7704 1289
share tweet
(310): View more from California

She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me

Fav 7 3697 1132
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.

Fav 2 3391 1741
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.

Fav 19 5784 1409
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.

Fav 7 1211 3750
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was

Fav 21 3617 1521
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?

Fav 14 4188 1797
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.

Fav 4 2836 1344
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there

Fav 3 1137 2504
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.

Fav 6 3627 1272
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.

Fav 13 4470 1202
share tweet
(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.

Fav 4 2878 1309
share tweet
(925): View more from California

She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.

Fav 17 4696 1283
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative

Fav 6 5837 1481
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.

Fav 9 1213 2485
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.

Fav 22 4800 1417
share tweet
(805): View more from California

there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you

Fav 7 1053 3011
share tweet
(819): View more from Quebec

I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.

Fav 4 1470 2561
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.

Fav 10 3781 1357
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.

Fav 5 4404 1115
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.

Fav 2 1256 1875
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?

Fav 17 6560 1265
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?

Fav 11 4632 1144
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.

Fav 4 3076 1332
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them

Fav 4 2489 1156
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.

Fav 22 5765 3684
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever

Fav 7 2308 959
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea

Fav 9 2497 1534
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg

Fav 6 2520 1150
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan

Fav 7 2416 945
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire

Fav 4 1416 1331
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake

Fav 10 2199 1945
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.

Fav 8 1106 2640
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....

Fav 6 969 3127
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you

Fav 12 4289 1317
share tweet
(619): View more from California

why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu

Fav 6 2068 1551
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.

Fav 8 3234 1271
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.

Fav 10 2625 1139
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.

Fav 8 3037 1140
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house

Fav 40 8364 1741
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.

Fav 8 2529 1542
share tweet
(916): View more from California

The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.

Fav 9 5445 1748
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.

Fav 9 4287 1138
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard

Fav 9 1312 2694
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame

Fav 9 3124 1565
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture

Fav 11 3569 1218
share tweet
(916): View more from California

I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.

Fav 4 1297 2869
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it

Fav 3 2383 981
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.

Fav 9 3012 1020
share tweet
(+10): View more from

I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays

Fav 3 1012 1940
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.

Fav 1 1520 2757
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong

Fav 11 3444 1203
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.

Fav 6 2452 1305
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex

Fav 14 2748 1140
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.

Fav 13 2168 3690
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.

Fav 2 2289 941
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?

Fav 11 1085 3811
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas

Fav 3 2876 1102
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.

Fav 35 3163 1848
share tweet
(707): View more from California

I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister

Fav 7 2705 1075
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?

Fav 4 2773 1687
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

No that means he must've used the nipple clamps

Fav 4 2271 1416
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans

Fav 7 3398 1100
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.

Fav 7 3412 1223
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?

Fav 2 2300 1009
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.

Fav 24 1846 3342
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...

Fav 13 2246 969
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards

Fav 11 1276 3141
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?

Fav 3 2053 877
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.

Fav 4 1300 2537
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.

Fav 15 3517 1102
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.

Fav 10 5996 1248
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp

Fav 9 1586 2948
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.

Fav 9 2569 1017
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie

Fav 3 2201 1666
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.

Fav 8 2326 1326
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas

Fav 13 3355 1234
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.

Fav 5 2254 1159
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up

Fav 2 2143 1155
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?

Fav 1 2428 1191
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.

Fav 6 2474 1183
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.

Fav 4 2844 1092
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.

Fav 9 1595 2711
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.

Fav 9 3936 1338
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

He had a curved dick....must be a european thing

Fav 19 1497 2611
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.

Fav 8 1181 2191
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.

Fav 23 3949 1230
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.

Fav 23 4077 1497
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed

Fav 5 2970 1520
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.

Fav 14 1708 4298
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me

Fav 8 3566 1266
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.

Fav 3 4188 1018
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.

Fav 5 2319 1479
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches

Fav 4 2292 945
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

It's official drugs can't kill me

Fav 13 2368 1087
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.

Fav 18 2445 922
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.

Fav 6 882 1451
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.

Fav 3 1934 821
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"

Fav 11 3040 860
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.

Fav 3 2038 907
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.

Fav 4 2500 734
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.

Fav 4 1786 894
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days

Fav 9 3008 1291
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.

Fav 9 2589 1043
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.

Fav 5 1928 1003
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.

Fav 22 4453 2177
share tweet
(858): View more from California

Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.

Fav 2 1356 799
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

how did i know this would happen?

Fav 8 2189 1500
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.

Fav 14 4268 1202
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected

Fav 3 1739 995
share tweet
(310): View more from California

She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.

Fav 4 1007 1712
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.

Fav 8 4328 1320
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?

Fav 3 2536 1055
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...

Fav 5 1068 2374
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.

Fav 6 2135 985
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.

Fav 1 2743 1037
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today

Fav 4 2395 1432
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me

Fav 6 4441 1253
share tweet
(731): View more from Tennessee

Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.

Fav 6 2767 1237
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.

Fav 11 3310 1147
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.

Fav 9 3394 1055
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.

Fav 2 1657 1328
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol

Fav 5 1586 855
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.

Fav 7 2435 1010
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.

Fav 5 2922 950
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption

Fav 13 1685 2309
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.

Fav 6 3298 1011
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.

Fav 3 1063 2346
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.

Fav 9 2273 878
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?

Fav 6 2258 771
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet

Fav 1 2556 1026
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"

Fav 5 1716 1598
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night

Fav 5 1787 855
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?

Fav 10 2104 1027
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.

Fav 5 2691 957
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden

(202): View more from Washington, DC

She's got a legit dose of dude going on

(240): View more from Maryland

No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.

Fav 7 1234 2135
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.

Fav 4 2213 1609
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.

Fav 9 1257 2191
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

The ice cream man just told me to use protection.

Fav 6 2709 945
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?

Fav 7 2774 1159
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?

Fav 10 1371 2485
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.

Fav 5 2620 1118
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.

Fav 11 1162 2730
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.

Fav 4 2622 1006
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.

Fav 4 2242 1004
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.

Fav 5 2825 1075
share tweet
(415): View more from California

I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.

Fav 6 2640 1231
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.

Fav 7 1388 2793
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid

Fav 9 3797 1007
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"

Fav 31 2961 2126
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?

Fav 8 2370 1176
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.

Fav 7 1055 1863
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient

Fav 5 1041 1615
share tweet
(862): View more from New Jersey

You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night

Fav 3 2000 822
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks

Fav 6 1750 831
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino

Fav 9 2160 1197
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.

Fav 7 2727 1144
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free

Fav 2 1880 833
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.

Fav 3 2295 844
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...

(404): View more from Georgia

I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.

Fav 8 4189 981
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.

Fav 4 2176 837
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.

Fav 1 1370 1007
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.

Fav 9 903 2611
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.

Fav 3 2341 1013
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.

Fav 3 1933 941
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you

Fav 8 2582 1223
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.

Fav 2 1672 1060
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.

Fav 3 2866 1075
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...

Fav 8 2312 1194
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order

Fav 3 1010 1969
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?

Fav 8 2163 1306
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.

Fav 2 2431 1246
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them

Fav 4 1938 1035
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.

Fav 3 1753 911
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.

(919): View more from North Carolina

RIP Mr Bojangles.

Fav 13 1469 2463
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic

Fav 2 2947 1056
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.

Fav 7 2690 1076
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.

Fav 6 2332 1193
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.

Fav 7 2439 1089
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently

Fav 6 1955 923
share tweet
(818): View more from California

She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"

Fav 13 4522 1198
share tweet
(510): View more from California

she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong

Fav 10 4685 1229
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.

Fav 10 1349 2850
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?

Fav 9 1720 1210
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.

(1-507): View more from Minnesota

We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.

Fav 21 2776 1260
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.

Fav 4 3202 1468
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.

Fav 1 2286 863
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?

Fav 6 847 1629
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith

Fav 3 1175 984
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink

Fav 5 2140 979
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?

(206): View more from Washington

Adult decisions.

Fav 3 2141 1130
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.

Fav 12 2787 949
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.

Fav 13 3670 1053
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.

Fav 14 3730 981
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said

Fav 5 917 1785
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.

Fav 3 1028 1421
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.

Fav 3 1723 895
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!

Fav 5 1924 1377
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on

Fav 8 6103 1166
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

the wall and i were having dominance issues.

Fav 7 3000 2339
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?

Fav 14 3861 1798
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.

Fav 2 2528 1467
share tweet
(831): View more from California

The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.

Fav 1 2176 1528
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.

Fav 9 3972 1710
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur

Fav 8 5661 1815
share tweet
(530): View more from California

He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"

Fav 6 2379 3200
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room

Fav 9 2400 1710
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.

Fav 6 3781 1728
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.

Fav 5 3366 1787
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.

Fav 10 4283 1555
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.

Fav 4 2273 1607
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!

Fav 7 3099 1568
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.

Fav 7 3103 1295
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night

Fav 5 1165 2307
share tweet
(667): View more from Maryland

what customs doesn't know wont hurt them

Fav 6 2984 1251
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.

Fav 5 2547 1192
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.

Fav 8 5006 1301
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.

Fav 8 2843 1410
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.

Fav 8 4515 940
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.

Fav 6 1301 1755
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.

Fav 1 3259 789
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.

(845): View more from New York

Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.

Fav 5 2201 851
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.

Fav 7 1009 1848
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book

Fav 5 2546 937
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me

Fav 4 1550 877
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks

Fav 6 3067 873
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.

Fav 4 2236 850
share tweet
(510): View more from California

It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.

Fav 4 3369 1043
share tweet
(44): View more from United Kingdom

I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.

Fav 2 1639 793
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.

Fav 8 912 2053
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.

Fav 2 2402 1878
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.

Fav 6 2473 1071
share tweet
(530): View more from California

I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.

Fav 9 2910 1471
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia

Fav 2 1959 1039
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.

Fav 5 1969 1367
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.

Fav 4 3206 1028
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time

Fav 4 2566 1350
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off

Fav 7 5477 1231
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.

Fav 7 2000 1181
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.

Fav 5 2443 1116
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?

Fav 7 3156 1201
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.

Fav 5 2627 1124
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.

Fav 4 1915 1119
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius

Fav 11 2149 1224
share tweet
(951): View more from California

My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room

Fav 26 4972 1669
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.

Fav 14 2308 1489
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar

Fav 10 2554 1344
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.

Fav 5 1770 1153
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.

Fav 3 4213 1025
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

He's yummy.

(613): View more from Ontario

HE'S GAY. AND 40.

(802): View more from Vermont

Irrelevant.

Fav 9 2457 1284
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'

Fav 4 4079 997
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.

Fav 6 1951 879
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame

Fav 4 2292 863
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.

Fav 10 1697 1008
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.

Fav 2 1622 878
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult

Fav 14 1292 2678
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.

Fav 4 2152 1091
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...

Fav 8 2567 1230
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.

Fav 7 2219 928
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Those memories are both hazy and awesome.

Fav 6 2166 820
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...

Fav 8 1412 2355
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on

Fav 3 2040 1008
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.

Fav 5 1997 1554
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.

Fav 2 1526 842
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment

Fav 2 851 1649
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.

Fav 3 825 1378
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.

Fav 6 1857 909
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!

Fav 0 1926 821
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect

Fav 4 5780 1299
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.

Fav 5 1157 1902
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over

Fav 8 3479 924
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Why do you have to go to the hospital?

(407): View more from Florida

I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me

Fav 7 1135 2079
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players

Fav 4 2173 796
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"

Fav 11 2875 957
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.

(309): View more from Illinois

Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?

Fav 4 1536 2667
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.

Fav 1 1638 795
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic

Fav 7 1359 2387
share tweet
(61): View more from Australia

I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could

Fav 3 1061 2779
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.

Fav 14 3638 1035
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.

Fav 0 2050 1023
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.

Fav 7 1135 3449
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.

Fav 14 3226 2022
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.

Fav 2 1836 1101
share tweet
(852): View more from

come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air

Fav 5 939 2175
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.

Fav 2 2220 961
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.

Fav 6 2538 1039
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.

Fav 27 4833 1507
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!

Fav 7 4772 1074
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..

Fav 5 936 3317
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?

Fav 5 1709 770
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.

Fav 5 2728 982
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

As shirtless as possible

Fav 3 1804 701
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks

(1403): View more from

That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills

Fav 2 1616 874
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off

Fav 4 777 1914
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..

Fav 3 1831 989
share tweet
(916): View more from California

Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.

Fav 3 2193 815
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!

Fav 11 2512 1182
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.

Fav 1 1603 879
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight

Fav 17 1076 4571
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.

Fav 4 2180 1107
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.

Fav 2 2319 937
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.

Fav 1 1495 2138
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.

Fav 6 1953 1166
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck

Fav 18 1921 4094
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.

Fav 4 1582 939
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex

Fav 15 1349 2686
share tweet
(228): View more from Mississippi

He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..

Fav 2 1043 1939
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.

Fav 21 4717 1268
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face

Fav 3 1704 1052
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.

Fav 1 1898 1017
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.

Fav 3 2166 974
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night

Fav 5 2401 930
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this

Fav 6 1999 983
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy

Fav 18 2522 1200
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Breakfast tacos?

(1-832): View more from Houston, Texas

YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS

Fav 17 3278 1113
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane

Fav 7 2319 1227
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id

Fav 5 2847 1522
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.

Fav 3 2651 1233
share tweet
(949): View more from California

It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.

Fav 5 2644 1225
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk

Fav 4 3261 1376
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!

Fav 13 1616 7022
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much

Fav 10 1514 2579
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.

Fav 7 3502 2520
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor

Fav 5 2308 1319
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.

Fav 8 3700 1512
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not

Fav 10 1578 2661
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done

Fav 9 1301 4656
share tweet
(228): View more from Mississippi

Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.

Fav 4 2281 1139
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.

Fav 5 3105 901
share tweet
(661): View more from California

Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...

Fav 6 1186 2535
share tweet
(714): View more from California

The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.

Fav 16 1272 3007
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.

Fav 6 3105 960
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?

Fav 3 1697 2247
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.

Fav 7 1283 2254
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage

Fav 14 3482 1035
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon

Fav 3 2178 936
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater

Fav 4 1043 2636
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.

Fav 5 4152 1032
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.

Fav 4 2355 1001
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."

Fav 32 9912 1349
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.

Fav 25 4809 3029
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"

Fav 15 6323 1986
share tweet
(408): View more from California

I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.

Fav 1 3488 1607
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.

Fav 14 7504 2479
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.

Fav 11 3114 2263
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.

Fav 12 4658 1782
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.

Fav 14 3939 2266
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked

Fav 10 3802 1867
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?

(1-260): View more from Indiana

Considering how often you blow him,high.

Fav 4 5415 1761
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...

Fav 21 2718 4215
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze

Fav 13 5008 1741
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk

Fav 4 3506 1610
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.

Fav 9 3561 1753
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?

Fav 6 3827 1839
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.

Fav 32 9939 2305
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out

Fav 8 1149 3283
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Jesus...So southern.

Fav 11 1759 3115
share tweet
(310): View more from California

for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.

Fav 18 4380 1362
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.

Fav 2 1762 1628
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same

Fav 6 2876 1628
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.

Fav 7 2580 1380
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.

Fav 3 1188 2506
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him

Fav 12 1697 2449
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.

Fav 8 3075 1058
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"

Fav 4 4454 1271
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?

Fav 15 2807 1424
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz

Fav 10 2266 1170
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.

Fav 6 2986 986
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon

Fav 4 1963 1165
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life

Fav 24 5714 2742
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..

Fav 8 2801 1254
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.

Fav 7 3533 1214
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.

Fav 5 3979 1058
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.

Fav 20 3889 1597
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working

Fav 5 1682 4007
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words

Fav 9 3871 1489
share tweet
(707): View more from California

She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.

Fav 17 4996 1281
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.

Fav 3 2901 1099
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.

Fav 8 3775 1303
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.

Fav 8 3034 1244
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.

Fav 16 4697 1491
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this

Fav 19 1356 3124
share tweet
(559): View more from California

Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?

Fav 10 2531 1204
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.

Fav 24 3651 1349
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..

Fav 49 3275 5498
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I feel like my teeth are sweating.

Fav 9 1421 2430
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads

Fav 4 2718 1204
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.

Fav 2 3538 1086
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober

Fav 10 3397 1343
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.

Fav 7 2678 1203
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.

Fav 1 2698 1193
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

Drunk walkin through police station. America

Fav 13 3297 1202
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.

Fav 6 4399 1353
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.

Fav 6 1467 3199
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'

Fav 4 2150 1132
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"

Fav 16 7773 1324
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height

Fav 9 5068 1334
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.

Fav 8 2123 1794
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.

Fav 8 1390 4488
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.

Fav 7 3539 1146
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship

Fav 14 2793 1319
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'

Fav 5 2408 1093
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.

Fav 5 2589 1223
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double

Fav 18 5160 1417
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.

Fav 7 3308 1753
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking

Fav 11 4241 1198
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?

Fav 4 1438 1951
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.

Fav 11 5331 1526
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes

Fav 6 2099 1146
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

you inspire me to be a worse person

Fav 6 3749 1559
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts

Fav 6 3318 1452
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.

Fav 6 3787 1392
share tweet
(228): View more from Mississippi

There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars

Fav 4 3450 1133
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.

Fav 2 1961 893
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome

Fav 6 4631 1115
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.

Fav 6 2274 920
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.

Fav 3 3357 951
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.

Fav 6 980 4308
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.

Fav 7 1089 2492
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.

Fav 10 3044 1392
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?

Fav 3 3145 1195
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.

Fav 8 5158 1204
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.

Fav 3 2280 1101
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?

Fav 10 3305 1298
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.

Fav 2 1151 2530
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.

Fav 4 3300 1740
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.

Fav 5 2780 1177
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away

Fav 10 3869 1318
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon

Fav 3 2463 1129
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?

Fav 7 1352 2753
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling

(303): View more from Colorado

Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper

Fav 3 2515 1201
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine

Fav 23 3263 1716
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.

Fav 11 1241 2980
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?

Fav 10 2851 1378
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.

Fav 10 5412 1239
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.

Fav 9 6711 1338
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!

Fav 25 3962 1193
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am

Fav 21 1582 3877
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.

Fav 8 2947 1224
share tweet
(438): View more from Quebec

My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.

Fav 8 3665 1161
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was

Fav 4 2544 1154
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.

Fav 10 1254 3050
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.

Fav 8 2852 1047
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Just invented taco cereal.

Fav 8 1809 2289
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.

Fav 1 3905 1151
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position

Fav 3 1266 2171
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us

Fav 9 3504 1264
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?

Fav 8 2761 973
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.

Fav 23 1583 5711
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo

Fav 5 2890 1258
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?

Fav 7 2950 1362
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am

Fav 3 2246 1311
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.

Fav 3 3652 1383
share tweet
(01): View more from

He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.

Fav 6 3116 1132
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..

Fav 13 2540 1305
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today

Fav 4 3632 1225
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.

Fav 9 1490 4459
share tweet
(438): View more from Quebec

I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.

Fav 15 3530 1336
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

they just started filling water ballons with vodka.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

on my way.

Fav 13 4329 1285
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk

Fav 14 3300 2363
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.

Fav 16 4027 2385
share tweet
(760): View more from California

The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation

Fav 9 2071 1595
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice

Fav 15 3402 1621
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.

Fav 5 2629 947
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.

Fav 18 3394 1307
share tweet
(925): View more from California

This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.

Fav 16 3760 1230
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though

Fav 4 1073 1727
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com

Fav 38 1577 3416
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.

Fav 11 4569 1196
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.

Fav 14 4082 1156
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.

Fav 6 2934 965
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him

Fav 11 2605 1539
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?

Fav 10 3477 1138
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"

Fav 12 4193 1231
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar

Fav 1 3036 1560
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?

Fav 11 4754 1374
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.

Fav 8 5452 1635
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

she could've warned me his penis was curved

(708): View more from Illinois

ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.

Fav 14 2015 5019
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.

Fav 5 3160 1126
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.

Fav 2 2270 1242
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water

Fav 8 3546 1093
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.

Fav 11 4339 1274
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

he has the hands of the vagina gods.

Fav 12 4896 1283
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.

Fav 20 3417 1232
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america

Fav 9 1812 2467
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.

Fav 25 7003 1479
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....

Fav 32 1805 3594
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.

Fav 12 3993 1395
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret

Fav 53 1834 2732
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.

Fav 10 2311 1518
share tweet
(772): View more from Florida

I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates

Fav 3 2645 1129
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi

Fav 4 855 2348
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.

Fav 9 2373 1259
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?

Fav 7 3007 926
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY

Fav 12 1140 2747
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention

Fav 6 1736 1141
share tweet
(805): View more from California

found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.

Fav 3 1632 1113
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.

Fav 6 3761 1389
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.

Fav 3 2655 1092
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober

Fav 15 2440 1085
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.

Fav 9 4511 1418
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.

Fav 8 3647 1020
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.

Fav 5 1032 2694
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.

Fav 12 2034 1254
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.

Fav 7 1420 3866
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.

Fav 23 1339 5021
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...

Fav 5 3692 1155
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.

Fav 4 1106 2330
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.

Fav 5 2989 1138
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?

Fav 11 3205 1040
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.

Fav 8 2587 1406
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.

Fav 6 1525 2830
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged

Fav 16 5133 3191
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes

Fav 11 4082 1283
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.

Fav 11 3000 1163
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?

Fav 12 3023 1609
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.

Fav 28 5163 1882
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.

Fav 7 2953 1459
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.

Fav 27 1775 7747
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday

Fav 5 2157 1009
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...

Fav 8 2546 1434
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.

Fav 3 1942 1281
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

Fav 15 4860 1700
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day

Fav 2 2599 1097
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.

Fav 7 1529 1880
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.

Fav 7 3367 1084
share tweet
(760): View more from California

Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?

Fav 10 1562 1564
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.

Fav 3 3584 1019
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?

Fav 14 3169 1233
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.

Fav 9 4515 1399
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol

Fav 5 2512 1484
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed

Fav 11 2466 1659
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.

Fav 6 2955 1217
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"

Fav 7 2519 1536
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?

Fav 8 3279 1142
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?

Fav 8 4053 1223
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.

Fav 2 2157 1103
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes

Fav 9 4359 1323
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.

Fav 8 3467 1079
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves

Fav 28 5565 1341
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs

Fav 2 1454 2210
share tweet
(325): View more from Texas

I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.

Fav 6 2104 2390
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.

Fav 6 3925 1432
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.

Fav 15 2836 1265
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous

Fav 4 1109 2277
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.

Fav 5 4682 1918
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT

Fav 6 3059 968
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was

Fav 7 3537 899
share tweet
(510): View more from California

You did a strip tease for the toilet.

Fav 6 2666 1299
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed

Fav 3 1745 2583
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.

Fav 5 2738 1129
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.

Fav 7 3156 1733
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.

Fav 3 3427 1230
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.

Fav 21 5847 3066
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"

Fav 11 2276 1191
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again

Fav 13 6767 1619
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night

Fav 1 2459 1071
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.

Fav 7 3481 1369
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE

Fav 4 2094 1943
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".

Fav 19 7262 1484
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.

Fav 4 1344 2800
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.

Fav 5 5968 1382
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..

Fav 2 2590 1373
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.

Fav 4 2434 1288
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.

Fav 6 1604 2449
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...

Fav 1 2322 1153
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.

Fav 6 3317 1148
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.

Fav 15 8544 1480
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.

Fav 3 2437 1172
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.

Fav 18 3735 1552
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight

Fav 3 2672 1010
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.

Fav 3 2893 914
share tweet
(858): View more from California

He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities

Fav 3 3092 1000
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.

Fav 14 1458 3585
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.

Fav 3 2792 977
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning

Fav 4 1199 2846
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.

Fav 6 3494 1092
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.

Fav 6 3050 1221
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.

Fav 4 5522 1504
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel

Fav 3 1224 1951
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone

Fav 5 2253 1060
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami

Fav 22 1426 4141
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.

Fav 4 1371 2875
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure

Fav 5 2674 1229
share tweet
(530): View more from California

Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.

Fav 12 1904 2921
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.

Fav 11 3167 1563
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening

Fav 44 1834 7297
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?

Fav 6 3663 1322
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...

Fav 5 3418 1139
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?

Fav 11 3852 1220
share tweet
(858): View more from California

She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.

Fav 10 3759 1428
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.

Fav 9 3146 1113
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.

Fav 33 6482 2073
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van

Fav 2 2359 1054
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

and she just brought her bike into the shower with her

Fav 8 2886 1363
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.

Fav 7 1573 2512
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.

Fav 7 3510 1081
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.

Fav 6 3221 959
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.

Fav 12 3850 1127
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....

Fav 5 2502 1295
share tweet
(415): View more from California

I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.

Fav 7 1448 3780
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.

Fav 10 1649 3924
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.

Fav 6 1414 2553
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.

Fav 4 1391 2789
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?

Fav 4 2792 1097
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.

Fav 8 2823 1109
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.

Fav 24 5343 1381
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night

Fav 7 3248 998
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

we already have meals planned for the weekend.

(1-864): View more from South Carolina

SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.

Fav 13 5375 1413
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!

Fav 7 1253 3243
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.

Fav 10 3988 1270
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers

Fav 8 2974 1359
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.

Fav 7 2046 1566
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.

Fav 5 3946 1263
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.

Fav 7 2804 1140
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...

Fav 10 3628 1146
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.

Fav 4 3094 1132
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!

Fav 9 5089 1176
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.

Fav 4 1610 3627
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard

Fav 7 3141 1204
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on

Fav 5 2537 1163
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship

Fav 5 2909 1669
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex

Fav 20 3736 1641
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.

Fav 6 1400 2693
share tweet
(559): View more from California

Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.

Fav 9 2610 1354
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"

Fav 12 3278 1571
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.

Fav 1 1920 1213
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.

Fav 3 1346 1227
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.

Fav 4 3054 938
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.

(614): View more from Ohio

I was always good at matching as a child.

Fav 6 3999 934
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.

Fav 10 3572 1041
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.

Fav 4 1425 974
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex

Fav 7 848 1656
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.

Fav 3 1740 756
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.

(414): View more from Wisconsin

That's some true roommate bonding right there.

Fav 3 1919 1205
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.

Fav 14 1163 3604
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

not the best booty call

(1-217): View more from Illinois

did she squirt?

(217): View more from Illinois

only if tears count

Fav 7 1099 3599
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.

Fav 11 5014 1091
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%

(1-914): View more from New York

He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal

Fav 15 2671 1211
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?

Fav 26 1266 3797
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that

Fav 7 1841 1368
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.

Fav 7 1891 963
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust

Fav 13 2564 1584
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol

Fav 4 905 1693
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark

Fav 5 1952 971
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!

Fav 11 2708 1022
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.

Fav 6 1782 1255
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.

Fav 2 812 1752
share tweet
(530): View more from California

We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."

Fav 3 4004 1243
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.

Fav 3 1758 1020
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.

Fav 10 4871 1229
share tweet
(831): View more from California

please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom

Fav 10 5469 1203
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.

Fav 12 2720 1049
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...

Fav 12 4977 1518
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.

Fav 6 2824 1299
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.

Fav 7 2576 967
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.

Fav 10 3920 1094
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics

Fav 22 4447 1302
share tweet
(789): View more from

Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.

Fav 4 2518 944
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

he quoted the bible to break up with me

Fav 21 1732 5609
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.

Fav 21 7178 1495
share tweet
(415): View more from California

handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond

Fav 19 2793 1311
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you

Fav 9 5590 1262
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?

Fav 8 3993 1120
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.

Fav 5 2790 967
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.

Fav 4 1459 3384
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.

Fav 6 3943 1163
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.

Fav 8 2563 1469
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.

Fav 5 2229 1509
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.

(201): View more from New Jersey

I am both scared and jealous.

Fav 4 3265 1270
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.

Fav 8 2509 1265
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?

Fav 18 6506 1701
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.

Fav 7 2666 1095
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.

Fav 1 1886 1048
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt

Fav 10 3257 1023
share tweet
(209): View more from California

I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.

Fav 29 1652 2998
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.

Fav 5 3044 1251
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.

Fav 4 2976 994
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.

Fav 3 1502 2278
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

Fav 1 2373 891
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.

Fav 2 3713 939
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever

Fav 3 1279 2663
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.

Fav 5 2395 1088
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.

Fav 8 1731 4160
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?

Fav 11 2511 2745
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick

Fav 10 4801 1185
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.

Fav 4 2079 1134
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?

Fav 22 4003 1273
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.

Fav 18 1638 3976
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot

Fav 4 2495 1232
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.

Fav 9 2490 1453
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar

Fav 12 8378 1439
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today

Fav 7 3056 1276
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?

Fav 9 2717 1319
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.

Fav 13 6140 1367
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.

Fav 25 5251 1529
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario

Fav 3 2333 1579
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.

Fav 5 1026 3175
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?

Fav 6 3003 1200
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Someone in a vagina costume on campus.

Fav 7 3270 1162
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?

(651): View more from Minnesota

That's yours. We cut you off.

Fav 3 4222 1247
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.

Fav 7 3496 1369
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.

Fav 11 4463 1011
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.

Fav 3 1871 2694
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.

Fav 8 4987 998
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Drunk

(845): View more from New York

Deyhxbr

(845): View more from New York

Fucaerrrrr

Fav 10 2935 992
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.

Fav 4 3222 1358
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.

Fav 12 1395 2945
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.

Fav 21 6151 1923
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.

Fav 15 2643 1311
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?

Fav 7 3020 1131
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.

Fav 8 4247 1086
share tweet
(209): View more from California

I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.

Fav 3 2657 1111
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class

Fav 10 3514 1302
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

He asked if I wanted to "hang out"

(410): View more from Maryland

A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"

Fav 9 3501 1506
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters

Fav 3 2658 1107
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.

Fav 12 4627 1175
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.

Fav 6 2158 1275
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit

Fav 8 2521 1194
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.

Fav 13 4988 1789
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.

Fav 6 4027 1169
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.

Fav 6 2771 999
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.

Fav 11 2479 1146
share tweet
(650): View more from California

Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.

Fav 3 2984 1133
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?

Fav 22 6576 1398
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Did everyone make it back alive?

(309): View more from Illinois

You say that with such hope.

(217): View more from Illinois

Is that a no?

Fav 3 3608 1285
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.

Fav 5 1236 2939
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up

Fav 6 3880 1618
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.

Fav 3 2714 1034
share tweet
(510): View more from California

I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.

Fav 24 7084 1891
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart

Fav 2 2553 1046
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.

Fav 3 2728 1170
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning

Fav 8 3941 1090
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house

Fav 16 2178 2962
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.

Fav 11 1694 3137
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.

Fav 8 3436 1414
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore

Fav 11 4029 1237
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.

Fav 9 3506 1060
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.

Fav 5 2701 1322
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me

Fav 13 3578 1965
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.

Fav 6 4106 1446
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.

Fav 7 3878 1352
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,

Fav 15 4888 1235
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.

Fav 19 7747 1220
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend

Fav 4 3003 1114
share tweet
(682): View more from Texas

Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong

Fav 4 2868 1306
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.

Fav 24 1820 3080
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter

Fav 7 3542 1376
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.

Fav 11 2733 1929
share tweet
(805): View more from California

He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.

Fav 23 1963 2628
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk

Fav 2 1142 1269
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.

Fav 9 1748 1238
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"

Fav 4 3354 913
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?

Fav 2 2517 894
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...

Fav 3 3010 1045
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.

Fav 15 3939 1053
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.

Fav 7 3624 1171
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.

Fav 1 2256 997
share tweet
(779): View more from Illinois

Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us

Fav 2 2458 1077
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.

Fav 17 1284 4611
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."

Fav 5 2969 1654
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face

Fav 10 2661 1287
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking

Fav 2 2293 1271
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks

Fav 8 1278 2788
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples

Fav 4 2756 1031
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.

Fav 2 2564 1131
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.

Fav 4 3137 1150
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.

Fav 10 1421 3657
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.

Fav 12 4496 1229
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal

Fav 5 1085 2215
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

oh my god i'm in a crawl space

Fav 16 3014 1672
share tweet
(707): View more from California

I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.

Fav 3 1881 1178
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.

Fav 6 2961 1358
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?

Fav 3 2286 1146
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.

Fav 1 1711 950
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic

Fav 6 5331 1214
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.

Fav 7 3787 1052
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.

Fav 1 2728 948
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.

Fav 11 5230 1141
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

you dipped you banana in queso last night.

Fav 7 1059 1859
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets

Fav 2 1469 896
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.

Fav 8 2850 1406
share tweet
(707): View more from California

Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.

Fav 8 3661 1092
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok

Fav 7 3427 1103
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I think I have vodka in my lungs

Fav 4 2241 1403
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.

Fav 11 1356 3028
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.

Fav 2 3324 1090
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake

Fav 6 3426 1227
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.

Fav 4 3421 1118
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.

Fav 7 3211 1310
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.

Fav 4 2981 1013
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.

Fav 19 1323 3090
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina

Fav 31 4218 1758
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..

Fav 6 3366 1732
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?

Fav 4 2457 1225
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him

Fav 4 2786 1047
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck

Fav 4 3123 1120
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."

Fav 6 4012 1005
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.

Fav 6 1441 2820
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up

Fav 5 2974 905
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.

Fav 8 2661 1064
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long

Fav 8 3602 1538
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night

Fav 2 2526 1120
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.

Fav 30 1666 6545
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.

Fav 2 3636 1050
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.

Fav 2 3382 1142
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...

Fav 13 3161 1522
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........

Fav 7 1011 2944
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.

Fav 5 1169 3828
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.

Fav 14 4409 1212
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?

Fav 6 3056 1122
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.

Fav 9 1684 2712
share tweet
(323): View more from California

they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(

Fav 3 1024 2986
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.

Fav 2 3790 1251
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic

Fav 4 2853 929
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"

Fav 10 4677 1173
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone

Fav 3 3079 978
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby

Fav 7 2889 1297
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.

Fav 24 2353 4334
share tweet
(805): View more from California

We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.

Fav 17 1365 2882
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'

Fav 12 4207 1470
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?

Fav 3 2841 1718
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.

Fav 4 3934 1309
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.

Fav 8 5413 1242
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy

Fav 2 2749 1309
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.

Fav 13 3942 1488
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?

Fav 6 3518 1071
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.

Fav 6 2819 1150
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.

Fav 33 3427 2734
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me

Fav 8 3460 1245
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.

Fav 7 4144 1275
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted

Fav 8 4342 1346
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level

Fav 3 2246 1211
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.

Fav 9 3628 1345
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.

Fav 14 3341 897
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.

Fav 10 1813 901
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.

(623): View more from Arizona

and by single i mean slutty

Fav 12 3853 1328
share tweet
(510): View more from California

Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.

Fav 5 1196 2259
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila

Fav 6 4806 1122
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.

Fav 6 3353 914
share tweet
(435): View more from Utah

He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.

Fav 7 2803 1240
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.

Fav 4 3384 888
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...

Fav 12 2622 1378
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here

(540): View more from Virginia

you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill

Fav 8 3513 1092
share tweet
(361): View more from Texas

As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.

Fav 12 7414 1954
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.

Fav 5 1205 2715
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.

Fav 12 1668 3150
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick

Fav 5 1266 2573
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?

Fav 14 1644 3701
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.

Fav 24 7714 1404
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?

(607): View more from New York

Nevermind, it's in the dryer.

Fav 6 3754 1214
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.

Fav 5 2443 1183
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level

Fav 11 3257 1907
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question

Fav 8 3592 1193
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.

Fav 5 4903 1267
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean

Fav 9 4113 1267
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.

(1-360): View more from Washington

oh. my. god. yes.

Fav 14 6280 1872
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.

Fav 6 3796 1386
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

soo how bad was i last night?

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.

Fav 4 1399 2282
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?

Fav 6 2745 1606
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.

Fav 6 1627 2573
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.

Fav 6 2893 1187
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.

Fav 17 2733 1359
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality

Fav 8 1183 2479
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE

Fav 10 1655 3716
share tweet
(619): View more from California

We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"

Fav 9 7647 1373
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

What did you cook with whisky?

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We started a fire.

Fav 11 6437 1597
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time

Fav 21 7127 1711
share tweet
(432): View more from Texas

So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.

Fav 5 3041 1518
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.

Fav 8 4571 1316
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...

Fav 14 1349 4730
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"

Fav 22 5431 2011
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?

Fav 11 1152 2728
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.

Fav 12 2182 1484
share tweet
(858): View more from California

for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers

Fav 19 4577 1997
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?

Fav 20 4699 2324
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME

Fav 2 2289 992
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.

Fav 2 1557 947
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?

Fav 9 1513 918
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.

Fav 2 1391 745
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.

Fav 1 1743 974
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.

Fav 6 1112 1931
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?

Fav 9 3637 998
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night

Fav 7 1020 1681
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.

Fav 0 1688 1159
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.

Fav 1 1695 1085
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.

(1-925): View more from California

If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.

Fav 1 1844 1028
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.

Fav 3 3064 1098
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester

Fav 2 2502 1038
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?

Fav 12 1017 2847
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.

Fav 11 1323 2160
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.

Fav 3 1813 1085
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars

(1-252): View more from North Carolina

I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers

Fav 6 2340 981
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.

Fav 13 4309 1891
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake

Fav 13 3773 1603
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs

Fav 6 1965 1105
share tweet
(310): View more from California

The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?

Fav 7 3066 1038
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.

Fav 4 2624 903
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.

Fav 5 1688 1188
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day

Fav 23 2144 1274
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me

Fav 8 3094 1137
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?

Fav 11 1896 1323
share tweet
(650): View more from California

Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college

Fav 1 1595 854
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold

Fav 2 805 1790
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.

Fav 6 2019 1146
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.

Fav 4 3197 1128
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"

Fav 3 1736 1056
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.

Fav 14 1581 3300
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.

Fav 6 3359 1325
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.

Fav 7 1187 2797
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.

Fav 14 3766 1227
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.

Fav 23 5025 2806
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK

Fav 10 1677 3283
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night

Fav 3 2794 1204
share tweet
(61): View more from Australia

Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed

Fav 10 5012 1305
share tweet
(578): View more from

You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"

Fav 6 3261 1223
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.

Fav 5 1164 3044
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame

Fav 6 5735 1501
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us

Fav 4 2592 1260
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.

Fav 18 6179 2198
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.

Fav 5 1195 2812
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions

Fav 6 2660 1131
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.

Fav 2 1163 2631
share tweet
(818): View more from California

The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it

Fav 5 1481 2960
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

That's science, my friend. Boner science.

Fav 7 3399 1351
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse

Fav 18 3823 1345
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher

Fav 5 2591 1305
share tweet
(308): View more from Nebraska

this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous

Fav 16 1022 3202
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story

(702): View more from Nevada

they all just nodded

Fav 6 2805 1345
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...

Fav 11 3185 1288
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.

Fav 37 1591 5565
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.

Fav 6 3001 1463
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school

Fav 16 4401 1881
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons

Fav 5 3143 1277
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.

Fav 8 3034 1442
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell

Fav 4 2885 1255
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid

Fav 5 2583 1101
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

how was ur day?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.

Fav 13 6882 1654
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.

Fav 2 2744 1253
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot

Fav 4 1325 3223
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in

Fav 6 3420 1239
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.

Fav 6 3359 1343
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.

Fav 10 3240 1172
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.

Fav 12 4109 1622
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.

Fav 7 1337 3345
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning

Fav 2 1166 1946
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.

Fav 9 4443 1371
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.

Fav 10 2927 1370
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety

Fav 4 2353 1290
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.

Fav 8 4435 1289
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?

Fav 8 1235 2693
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?

Fav 7 1424 2832
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.

Fav 13 4393 1445
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine

Fav 15 3108 1817
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.

Fav 7 3712 2099
share tweet
(731): View more from Tennessee

What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?

Fav 32 1847 5193
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.

Fav 8 1647 1795
share tweet
(415): View more from California

It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.

Fav 9 2302 1158
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...

Fav 6 2314 1158
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies

Fav 12 4441 1355
share tweet
(348): View more from

Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...

Fav 5 3110 1298
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER

Fav 7 1416 3316
share tweet
(916): View more from California

nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds

Fav 5 1531 2798
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob

Fav 2 2789 1167
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.

Fav 11 3084 1772
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener

Fav 22 4359 2292
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife

Fav 9 2663 1932
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.

Fav 15 3757 1827
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.

Fav 4 2095 1620
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night

Fav 11 3779 1670
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition

Fav 11 4497 1428
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.

Fav 13 2846 1806
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.

Fav 16 3436 1485
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."

Fav 6 4986 1798
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?

Fav 13 6744 1717
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.

Fav 13 2462 1713
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone

Fav 5 4466 1459
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment

Fav 7 3379 1590
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.

Fav 8 2542 1307
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night

Fav 17 5504 1546
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.

Fav 4 2002 1061
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.

Fav 4 2587 1021
share tweet
(760): View more from California

She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.

Fav 4 2946 1048
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.

Fav 13 2851 1132
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?

Fav 13 4569 1348
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.

Fav 5 3369 1165
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday

Fav 12 3562 1444
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.

Fav 5 2410 1220
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.

Fav 17 3991 1746
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.

Fav 3 2530 1180
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.

Fav 31 4656 1486
share tweet
(510): View more from California

Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"

Fav 14 3656 1843
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.

Fav 9 3087 1393
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.

Fav 2 2333 2314
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?

Fav 14 5492 1480
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?

Fav 10 1220 2555
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!

Fav 17 2915 1621
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.

Fav 10 3622 1695
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.

Fav 5 2837 1555
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.

Fav 4 2717 1298
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.

Fav 31 7810 1631
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

i am way too old to be getting fingered at work

Fav 37 6323 1864
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.

Fav 11 3312 1188
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?

Fav 7 2633 1220
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?

Fav 5 3227 1511
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself

Fav 3 1166 2175
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.

Fav 2 3511 1177
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.

Fav 14 4704 1199
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window

Fav 10 3437 1743
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one

Fav 9 2506 1065
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.

Fav 6 3596 1275
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect

Fav 1 2597 1295
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.

Fav 7 3630 1453
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.

Fav 8 1813 2978
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.

Fav 12 2450 1269
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay

Fav 15 4497 2286
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.

Fav 20 3918 1425
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"

Fav 19 6204 1572
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.

Fav 5 3586 1303
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.

Fav 6 3360 1214
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no

Fav 15 2905 1614
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere

Fav 9 3404 1572
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?

Fav 11 3775 1418
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times

Fav 7 3259 1438
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.

Fav 27 6080 1525
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them

Fav 8 3687 1326
share tweet
(650): View more from California

guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?

Fav 40 3759 1984
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

The gym has a pool

(914): View more from New York

my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"

Fav 4 3539 1225
share tweet
(714): View more from California

found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.

Fav 3 1236 2518
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.

Fav 1 2116 1255
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?

Fav 7 2019 1000
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.

Fav 15 5779 1340
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread

Fav 21 3946 2078
share tweet
(787): View more from Puerto Rico

He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.

Fav 21 5018 1507
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.

Fav 7 2759 1266
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.

Fav 3 2262 1159
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.

Fav 6 4553 1516
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...

Fav 13 1968 3351
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat

Fav 7 3194 1222
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i can recognize that vagina from a mile away

Fav 15 2256 1912
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties

Fav 9 3060 1259
share tweet
(949): View more from California

it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable

Fav 13 4022 1554
share tweet
(831): View more from California

Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.

Fav 20 6880 1570
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives

Fav 13 5070 1516
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.

Fav 9 1597 1767
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?

(312): View more from Illinois

I get to be your mom.

Fav 11 4062 1729
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.

Fav 10 3100 1715
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.

Fav 11 2431 1353
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....

Fav 27 1614 5664
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.

Fav 8 2738 1583
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.

Fav 16 6690 1665
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?

Fav 5 1873 2069
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.

Fav 2 2871 1113
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.

Fav 7 4077 1579
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.

Fav 13 6319 1310
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

Fav 17 9489 1645
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.

Fav 2 2093 1067
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.

Fav 13 4448 1122
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too

Fav 10 3342 1290
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".

Fav 5 2742 1275
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.

Fav 2 2857 1095
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.

Fav 5 2207 1299
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.

Fav 16 2103 1266
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early

Fav 9 3341 1416
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time

Fav 7 3083 1339
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.

Fav 16 3208 1871
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.

Fav 7 1386 2698
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.

Fav 10 2935 1477
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.

Fav 3 2563 1206
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.

Fav 18 1568 3642
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project

Fav 6 2947 1519
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.

Fav 50 2753 5910
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.

Fav 54 2159 5855
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.

Fav 7 5817 1352
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.

Fav 14 7535 1511
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.

Fav 10 2948 1330
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car

Fav 9 2123 1358
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.

Fav 7 3244 1555
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was

Fav 9 2713 1323
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday

Fav 8 3994 1223
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.

Fav 1 1690 1041
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.

Fav 6 2631 1332
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.

Fav 11 3993 1155
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.

Fav 7 2844 1158
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.

Fav 3 3104 1123
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate

Fav 7 3621 1240
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.

Fav 19 3618 1345
share tweet
(760): View more from California

It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.

Fav 4 2185 1312
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.

Fav 13 3652 1339
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major

Fav 5 2058 1223
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed

Fav 4 2300 1023
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.

Fav 12 5194 1807
share tweet
(909): View more from California

Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?

Fav 7 2420 1352
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday

Fav 10 3386 1864
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again

Fav 14 7511 1779
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.

Fav 10 4011 1272
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.

Fav 6 2147 1225
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.

Fav 14 4192 1422
share tweet
(949): View more from California

he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect

Fav 5 2658 1450
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today

Fav 4 2815 1270
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".

Fav 12 2780 1314
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.

Fav 21 5745 1493
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?

Fav 13 3048 1028
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us

(847): View more from Illinois

You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.

Fav 6 3069 1583
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.

Fav 5 2454 1079
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.

Fav 4 1865 1204
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.

Fav 5 1274 2765
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal

Fav 4 1549 1152
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix

Fav 5 1913 1136
share tweet
(530): View more from California

he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.

Fav 11 2745 1251
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...

Fav 4 2312 1099
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.

(1-970): View more from Colorado

Soup is delicious

Fav 12 5269 1384
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat

Fav 8 3361 1242
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.

Fav 10 2927 2097
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.

Fav 35 8304 2170
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?

Fav 6 1943 2426
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.

Fav 10 2510 1703
share tweet
(889): View more from

found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.

Fav 3 3044 1631
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.

Fav 2 2480 2452
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper

Fav 16 4496 1923
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....

Fav 5 3157 1890
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.

Fav 9 4696 1932
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall

Fav 10 3191 2235
share tweet
(707): View more from California

please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up

Fav 9 2441 2138
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.

Fav 10 3669 2024
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.

Fav 10 3670 1938
share tweet
(805): View more from California

100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.

Fav 5 2304 1255
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...

Fav 4 2910 1060
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens

Fav 5 4038 1208
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.

Fav 1 2682 1083
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.

Fav 7 2616 1162
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.

Fav 7 3519 1466
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in

Fav 5 3091 1466
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.

Fav 2 2423 1051
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.

Fav 16 5471 1446
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.

Fav 6 4572 1440
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.

Fav 3 4031 1240
share tweet
(415): View more from California

All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk

Fav 2 2110 1454
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???

Fav 15 2819 1342
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.

Fav 6 3203 1346
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'

Fav 22 2188 3731
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.

Fav 7 2255 1395
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus

Fav 6 2517 1505
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad

Fav 9 4305 1667
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.

Fav 6 3424 1146
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.

Fav 16 5030 1455
share tweet
(805): View more from California

Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?

(805): View more from California

and why are they spooning a flamingo?

(714): View more from California

they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.

Fav 14 4427 1343
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.

Fav 11 3299 1358
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face

Fav 27 4503 1859
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

We just shotgunned beers for America

Fav 31 4382 1273
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.

Fav 8 3857 1648
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta

Fav 8 4136 1658
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling

Fav 5 1364 2602
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?

Fav 3 2072 832
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?

Fav 10 2604 1139
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now

Fav 16 2562 1086
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again

Fav 3 2579 1087
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.

Fav 4 2055 1361
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

no. you cant fuck a burger.

Fav 9 2890 1314
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.

Fav 1 2558 1049
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.

Fav 2 2026 1081
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?

Fav 2 2935 1286
share tweet
(530): View more from California

I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will

Fav 4 3767 1025
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business

Fav 5 2894 1208
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it

Fav 15 4605 1122
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

I've ID'd the nipple biter.

Fav 6 2493 1665
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.

Fav 10 3508 1189
share tweet
(310): View more from California

You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected

Fav 4 3030 1254
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.

Fav 2 4042 1177
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode

Fav 10 3923 1289
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.

Fav 14 3801 1214
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.

Fav 4 2428 980
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww

Fav 13 4187 1610
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us

Fav 14 7280 1217
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering

Fav 9 3657 1254
share tweet
(619): View more from California

She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...

Fav 14 1612 3750
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.

Fav 12 1458 2494
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead

Fav 18 5752 1563
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"

Fav 20 4085 1660
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.

Fav 4 2134 977
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was

Fav 13 3670 1133
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"

Fav 18 6929 1478
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.

Fav 12 3355 1183
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.

Fav 13 3760 1218
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.

Fav 11 3235 995
share tweet
(408): View more from California

By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.

Fav 6 1147 1999
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.

Fav 15 1312 3610
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....

Fav 11 1779 3955
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold

(1-585): View more from New York

hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?

Fav 4 3292 921
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.

Fav 11 1184 3418
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country

Fav 8 5423 1272
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.

Fav 5 2809 954
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few

Fav 1 2465 963
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7

Fav 3 2975 1228
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.

Fav 4 3346 1373
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?

Fav 18 4315 1404
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?

Fav 20 3323 1206
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.

Fav 2 2085 1039
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.

Fav 24 4934 1341
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty

Fav 29 1833 4498
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!

Fav 14 3378 1313
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.

Fav 17 4677 1300
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.

Fav 5 2238 1161
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?

Fav 6 1442 3298
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.

Fav 6 2894 1206
share tweet
(530): View more from California

You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.

Fav 6 4308 1038
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...

Fav 2 1564 949
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.

Fav 3 2707 827
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?

Fav 11 1439 3877
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.

Fav 4 2417 1102
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?

Fav 5 2653 1019
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.

Fav 8 4267 1005
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.

Fav 7 1138 2111
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.

Fav 2 1068 1867
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok

Fav 6 1539 2687
share tweet
(760): View more from California

He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?

Fav 6 3567 1195
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.

Fav 16 4483 1525
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.

Fav 13 3920 1522
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.

Fav 9 2719 1120
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.

Fav 9 1752 2622
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.

Fav 28 1444 4440
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.

Fav 4 2166 961
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor

Fav 7 2390 1255
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.

Fav 19 3204 1416
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.

Fav 19 4355 1525
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.

Fav 6 2599 1373
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.

Fav 16 5791 1559
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final

Fav 7 2823 1287
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.

Fav 3 2175 1042
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?

Fav 5 2823 933
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.

Fav 5 2815 1416
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass

Fav 10 3626 1143
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.

Fav 10 1676 2561
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"

Fav 7 3126 926
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.

Fav 2 2321 907
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back

Fav 33 4608 1760
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY

Fav 6 2555 1119
share tweet
(949): View more from California

you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one

Fav 10 6570 1879
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.

Fav 5 3600 1240
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.

Fav 4 4479 1201
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.

Fav 19 4559 1315
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.

Fav 10 3408 1187
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.

Fav 5 2055 1190
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week

Fav 5 3445 1177
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.

Fav 17 1580 3339
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?

Fav 16 2703 1676
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.

Fav 3 1442 1603
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...

Fav 5 3087 1065
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais

Fav 9 2815 1145
share tweet
(559): View more from California

Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.

Fav 7 3104 1160
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,

Fav 10 4355 1571
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.

Fav 5 1208 4077
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.

Fav 13 5643 1317
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart

Fav 6 2289 1064
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single

Fav 3 2559 1307
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.

Fav 20 3280 1572
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night

Fav 4 3051 1079
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.

Fav 3 2293 1547
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line

Fav 10 1090 3309
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.

Fav 9 2633 1384
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town

Fav 1 2393 892
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.

Fav 7 1562 1090
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D

Fav 15 2814 1346
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.

Fav 15 3300 1319
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

You're a rent hooker.

Fav 14 4048 1391
share tweet
(909): View more from California

Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.

Fav 10 2277 1032
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?

Fav 12 6795 1388
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again

Fav 11 2435 1438
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.

Fav 9 3986 1431
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.

Fav 11 5243 1316
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.

Fav 15 5587 1292
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.

Fav 10 1614 2647
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.

Fav 5 3653 1071
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.

Fav 8 2784 1163
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.

Fav 4 2609 1123
share tweet
(707): View more from California

We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.

Fav 9 1607 2606
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth

Fav 4 2078 1335
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"

Fav 26 2585 9621
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.

Fav 5 5103 1238
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to

Fav 5 1224 2551
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.

Fav 12 4815 1189
share tweet
(626): View more from California

and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22

Fav 3 3475 1324
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks

Fav 22 5617 1471
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere

Fav 4 2887 1117
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.

Fav 44 4079 1341
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.

Fav 4 2964 1113
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?

Fav 10 3229 1270
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.

Fav 6 2532 1653
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?

Fav 32 1959 5421
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.

Fav 4 2701 1043
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.

Fav 3 2475 999
share tweet
(510): View more from California

I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.

Fav 2 2379 1479
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose

Fav 9 3414 979
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me

Fav 9 1344 4461
share tweet
(562): View more from California

I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.

Fav 5 2861 1029
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.

Fav 8 5698 1246
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.

Fav 9 4077 1224
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.

Fav 14 6689 1328
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.

Fav 7 1362 2734
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.

Fav 5 2836 1126
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.

Fav 12 1960 4507
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.

Fav 22 1815 3646
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.

Fav 19 4332 1350
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener

Fav 8 2269 1857
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.

Fav 2 3332 1164
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.

Fav 1 2298 1044
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.

Fav 5 1293 2043
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.

Fav 7 1575 3609
share tweet
(361): View more from Texas

I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.

Fav 17 3675 2203
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.

Fav 11 1277 4766
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.

(1-205): View more from Alabama

Is it working?

Fav 17 4463 1373
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!

Fav 5 1262 4058
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.

Fav 9 1457 2081
share tweet
(650): View more from California

Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy

Fav 8 1232 3115
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.

Fav 5 1273 3460
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.

Fav 12 3099 1029
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.

Fav 12 3482 1792
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?

Fav 5 2703 1110
share tweet
(619): View more from California

I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.

Fav 4 2725 1189
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.

Fav 4 1896 1232
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.

Fav 9 3673 1328
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.

Fav 19 1698 3971
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.

Fav 15 2890 1346
share tweet
(661): View more from California

I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight

Fav 11 3018 1129
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.

Fav 14 5090 1437
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher

Fav 16 2630 2861
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.

Fav 13 5885 1558
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'

Fav 4 2449 1012
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.

Fav 6 2628 1650
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate

Fav 3 2637 1192
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?

Fav 4 3147 1107
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday

Fav 6 3178 995
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME

Fav 5 4553 1189
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers

Fav 5 2006 986
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".

Fav 9 2991 1039
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.

(607): View more from New York

way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses

Fav 10 5036 1568
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.

Fav 14 3546 2170
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big

Fav 12 2225 3193
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.

Fav 8 5220 1136
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.

Fav 6 1504 3105
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy

Fav 18 9106 1476
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.

Fav 9 4022 1376
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.

Fav 4 2273 1498
share tweet
(213): View more from California

"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.

Fav 17 3489 1564
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME

Fav 5 1482 2467
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.

Fav 16 3884 1253
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass

Fav 11 2141 5484
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test

Fav 14 3514 1561
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved

Fav 2 1179 2429
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?

Fav 2 2885 952
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?

Fav 4 2360 1120
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole

Fav 15 3195 1294
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.

Fav 3 2383 1005
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens

Fav 9 4030 1309
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??

Fav 24 2313 3188
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?

Fav 4 2530 1119
share tweet
(+64): View more from New Zealand

I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.

Fav 4 2661 1382
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?

Fav 6 1543 2494
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy

Fav 14 2400 2947
share tweet
(661): View more from California

1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.

(1-661): View more from California

1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up

Fav 12 4806 1436
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.

Fav 10 3291 1243
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child

Fav 10 2453 1211
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.

Fav 12 1131 2896
share tweet
(213): View more from California

your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.

Fav 7 4815 1359
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment

Fav 20 3182 1578
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors

Fav 6 2742 1095
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I have surprise drugs for everyone

Fav 11 3090 1196
share tweet
(213): View more from California

there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.

Fav 11 2982 1306
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...

Fav 6 2174 1252
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.

Fav 24 1584 5363
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?

Fav 19 4331 1778
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.

Fav 9 973 4110
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...

Fav 7 1212 2415
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?

Fav 7 2546 2158
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.

Fav 3 3341 1430
share tweet
(925): View more from California

We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...

Fav 6 1156 2513
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included

Fav 4 4556 1074
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate

Fav 3 2763 965
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.

Fav 4 1454 1859
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw

Fav 10 3968 1098
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.

Fav 2 1926 1245
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness

(1-248): View more from Michigan

don't cry, we can learn from her

Fav 2 1947 1090
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."

Fav 5 1326 1643
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?

(325): View more from Texas

Jail. That could go wrong.

Fav 5 2527 1034
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE

Fav 7 1228 747
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday

Fav 5 2041 932
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.

Fav 13 6154 1158
share tweet
(510): View more from California

Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.

Fav 4 2592 995
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.

Fav 0 1788 850
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.

Fav 10 2436 1076
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th

Fav 5 2977 1317
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?

Fav 8 2290 1271
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.

Fav 19 4013 1865
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".

Fav 16 4164 1768
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever

Fav 8 2891 1272
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.

Fav 8 2085 1767
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

no more duck duck goose at the bar

Fav 6 2620 1143
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way

Fav 5 2503 1132
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.

Fav 4 2084 1232
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.

Fav 7 3105 1049
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?

Fav 7 4147 1231
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.

Fav 9 3306 1182
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.

Fav 5 1818 996
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday

Fav 3 2374 1027
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.

Fav 12 3736 2024
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!

Fav 6 3130 1189
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.

Fav 4 2502 2126
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.

Fav 2 2829 1127
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.

Fav 8 3592 1305
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time

Fav 8 2641 1144
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.

Fav 8 2927 1169
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...

Fav 6 1201 2421
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop

Fav 8 3257 1245
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Did we literally take a cab across the street

Fav 10 3769 1405
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard

Fav 4 2540 1273
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.

Fav 8 2707 1324
share tweet
(361): View more from Texas

There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.

Fav 2 2428 1124
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me

Fav 12 4851 1845
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.

Fav 9 3344 1212
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline

Fav 6 2277 1160
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.

Fav 3 1728 985
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!

Fav 12 4588 1242
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.

Fav 3 1940 1128
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.

Fav 5 2520 1861
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested

Fav 5 3665 1287
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?

Fav 11 2686 2102
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Maybe I should forgo underwear.

(314): View more from Missouri

This is a family BBQ no?

Fav 4 2520 1453
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.

Fav 4 5495 1378
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become

Fav 6 3180 1342
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.

Fav 9 3548 1384
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it

Fav 13 4723 1454
share tweet
(530): View more from California

for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.

Fav 16 3938 1289
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.

Fav 9 2730 1087
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.

Fav 12 3734 1433
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip

Fav 3 2109 865
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...

Fav 5 2781 1076
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club

Fav 8 1330 2163
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes

Fav 3 2262 1157
share tweet
(819): View more from Quebec

I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.

Fav 4 2620 1068
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.

Fav 4 3004 1115
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.

Fav 10 2713 1570
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.

Fav 10 4021 1467
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys

Fav 10 2367 1171
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?

Fav 5 2342 1104
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.

Fav 12 2771 1223
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.

Fav 7 3700 1048
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend

Fav 8 1423 2323
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night

Fav 11 2771 1274
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.

Fav 4 2107 1043
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.

Fav 4 3571 1047
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere

Fav 7 2698 1070
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country

Fav 9 4649 1490
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing

Fav 9 2699 1272
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.

Fav 20 3823 1742
share tweet
(661): View more from California

i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean

Fav 14 4426 1291
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...

Fav 13 5341 1418
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.

Fav 11 4045 1003
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.

Fav 8 3659 1018
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.

Fav 4 2444 997
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.

Fav 11 4960 1939
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.

Fav 10 1487 2761
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.

Fav 8 4135 1097
share tweet
(619): View more from California

yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work

Fav 11 4269 1273
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother

Fav 11 2342 3174
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.

Fav 4 3890 1254
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.

Fav 15 4769 1258
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.

Fav 15 5317 1393
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN

Fav 7 2816 944
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER

Fav 7 2698 1038
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.

Fav 14 3753 1042
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.

Fav 11 1152 2737
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.

Fav 4 2048 852
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.

Fav 11 2991 1060
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?

Fav 6 2510 964
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.

Fav 5 2376 1148
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.

Fav 8 3458 1121
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.

Fav 15 4311 1770
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"

Fav 10 4370 1237
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

Fav 9 2835 1269
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.

Fav 3 1121 2543
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there

Fav 8 2653 1242
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?

Fav 13 2981 1140
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors

Fav 11 5515 1094
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.

Fav 6 2989 1129
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?

Fav 3 2373 1116
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.

Fav 14 3176 1104
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

my self respect just called, its having a good time without me

Fav 9 3436 1450
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub

Fav 8 2301 1312
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .

Fav 26 1913 3344
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.

Fav 9 3536 1163
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.

Fav 8 3643 924
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?

Fav 7 2881 1177
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.

Fav 6 4652 1100
share tweet
(760): View more from California

if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel

Fav 6 3375 1515
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.

Fav 18 6975 1259
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?

Fav 6 1516 2407
share tweet
(551): View more from New Jersey

The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.

Fav 7 2969 1154
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times

Fav 6 2933 1163
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?

Fav 11 3126 1406
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.

(513): View more from Ohio

I stole a bike. Here's a pic

Fav 10 3774 1300
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful

Fav 11 3423 1003
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.

Fav 9 2589 1031
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Fear?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

FEAR.

Fav 5 3158 1150
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.

Fav 3 1933 1348
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.

Fav 5 2389 1109
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college

Fav 10 3636 852
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers

Fav 14 4437 1247
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.

Fav 10 3152 990
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.

Fav 5 1985 829
share tweet
(320): View more from Minnesota

I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol

Fav 13 2694 1063
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.

Fav 6 979 2278
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing

Fav 7 3015 1390
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.

Fav 3 2119 1002
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...

Fav 6 2446 2003
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I demand visitation hours with the duck.

Fav 10 4601 1355
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.

Fav 5 2558 1665
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15

Fav 7 2872 1189
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings

Fav 13 4108 1362
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.

Fav 5 1830 1079
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!

Fav 20 3317 5171
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up

Fav 2 1156 2606
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move

Fav 6 4264 1264
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again

Fav 7 3042 1256
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?

Fav 9 2858 1635
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here

Fav 18 1973 2719
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.

Fav 4 2253 1015
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!

Fav 8 2685 1025
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan

Fav 9 2483 1097
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk

Fav 2 2006 1475
share tweet
(760): View more from California

I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.

Fav 9 4442 1179
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.

Fav 4 2779 1382
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.

Fav 27 1316 3593
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution

Fav 6 3407 1294
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places

Fav 7 5922 1399
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?

Fav 6 1128 3032
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.

Fav 11 920 2772
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.

Fav 3 2831 1420
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.

Fav 12 5387 1234
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.

Fav 9 2879 1221
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.

Fav 21 7667 1665
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.

Fav 18 3730 1254
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.

Fav 12 7475 1483
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.

Fav 9 1475 2701
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.

Fav 8 3226 1457
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.

Fav 17 5131 1549
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish

Fav 12 3195 994
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night

Fav 16 1451 2645
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.

Fav 3 2798 962
share tweet
(530): View more from California

My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.

Fav 13 4249 1645
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .

Fav 13 3942 1728
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.

Fav 16 3483 1305
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.

Fav 12 2847 1284
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.

Fav 18 3869 1193
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.

Fav 11 2393 1697
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles

Fav 13 2828 1272
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos

Fav 11 4999 1251
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.

Fav 18 1849 3228
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.

Fav 6 3066 1304
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.

Fav 4 2518 1078
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.

Fav 9 5367 978
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.

Fav 5 3563 1060
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.

Fav 2 2241 1170
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday

Fav 14 1733 3155
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"

Fav 4 4912 1228
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.

Fav 4 3877 1035
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water

Fav 6 2937 1253
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking

Fav 10 3037 1133
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit

(646): View more from New York

The facepaint not the blacking out

Fav 6 3309 1057
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

and you succeeded.

Fav 11 4752 1332
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?

Fav 11 3085 1136
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.

Fav 15 1514 3464
share tweet
(361): View more from Texas

After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.

Fav 14 5391 1675
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.

Fav 7 1245 2429
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?

Fav 2 2362 1014
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?

Fav 7 3250 1190
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.

Fav 6 1635 1016
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.

Fav 5 1666 2018
share tweet
(807): View more from Ontario

If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right

Fav 3 4315 1287
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing

Fav 8 2471 1160
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?

Fav 4 3681 1057
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?

Fav 4 2903 883
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.

Fav 8 1480 2592
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....

Fav 6 3657 1643
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME

Fav 15 6680 1268
share tweet
(707): View more from California

I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA

Fav 24 3454 1755
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.

Fav 13 4556 1534
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.

Fav 2 1815 1171
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.

Fav 20 5458 1268
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.

Fav 27 3089 1723
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.

Fav 3 2985 1293
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..

Fav 3 4399 1460
share tweet
(351): View more from Massachusetts

the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.

Fav 5 4774 1623
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.

Fav 10 3443 1173
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.

Fav 6 1885 3129
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.

Fav 6 3312 1282
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!

Fav 7 3656 1259
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"

Fav 3 5749 1293
share tweet
(213): View more from California

The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.

Fav 4 2442 1026
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment

Fav 4 3366 1765
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.

Fav 10 4254 1396
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.

Fav 6 2127 1241
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...

Fav 17 5180 1242
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.

Fav 10 3783 1342
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.

Fav 11 4038 1244
share tweet
(916): View more from California

Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.

Fav 9 2322 1123
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon

Fav 5 3839 1280
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.

Fav 10 3024 1138
share tweet
(61): View more from Australia

Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.

Fav 5 1032 2539
share tweet
(779): View more from Illinois

Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.

Fav 6 1474 1883
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.

Fav 6 2226 1053
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.

Fav 11 1393 2812
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"

Fav 6 3021 1370
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.

Fav 10 1558 5195
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered

Fav 8 3776 1146
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.

Fav 10 3345 1139
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training

Fav 12 3565 2223
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.

Fav 14 5361 1330
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.

Fav 6 2252 1357
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.

Fav 11 1234 5812
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.

Fav 7 4326 1193
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.

Fav 10 1508 2623
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives

Fav 6 2541 1268
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.

Fav 6 3434 1131
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children

Fav 9 3206 1246
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!

Fav 16 3451 1478
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good

(1-703): View more from Virginia

that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna

Fav 7 4557 1311
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that

Fav 8 2954 1147
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.

Fav 3 1511 1986
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

I stole so many things from the ER last night.

Fav 10 2934 1279
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.

Fav 6 3750 1751
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..

Fav 3 2976 1557
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.

Fav 19 3407 2108
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.

Fav 14 4411 2004
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.

Fav 17 4102 1258
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.

Fav 7 2602 1016
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.

Fav 7 2798 1375
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'

Fav 5 3938 1147
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?

Fav 4 2765 1221
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?

Fav 12 3614 1148
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what

Fav 7 2278 1146
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes

Fav 6 3075 1300
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea

Fav 7 2381 1170
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.

Fav 17 5601 978
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...

Fav 4 2655 1333
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were

Fav 5 2753 1006
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"

Fav 14 2734 1302
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

The strip club called, they have your shoe.

Fav 13 4066 1144
share tweet
(654): View more from

And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.

Fav 5 2632 1113
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

they won't let me drive with my sombrero

Fav 9 3228 1246
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.

Fav 21 4118 1336
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.

Fav 9 3435 950
share tweet
(650): View more from California

That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.

Fav 9 2646 1460
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.

Fav 4 2051 856
share tweet
(909): View more from California

Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.

Fav 5 2054 874
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.

Fav 3 1932 922
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.

Fav 5 2768 985
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway

(925): View more from California

I hate that you know that from experience

Fav 11 1581 2632
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.

Fav 5 1187 2016
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....

Fav 67 2247 7877
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.

Fav 5 2569 1029
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

its not a party unless mikie exposes himself

Fav 5 2306 983
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious

Fav 3 2736 888
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?

Fav 4 3010 1462
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.

Fav 4 2826 1060
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.

(856): View more from New Jersey

Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits

Fav 19 5575 1225
share tweet
(289): View more from Ontario

You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.

Fav 14 3543 1039
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.

Fav 6 3176 1015
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?

(414): View more from Wisconsin

Its 11 o'clock somewhere

Fav 7 2881 1239
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.

Fav 9 3656 1160
share tweet
(661): View more from California

fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.

Fav 5 3640 891
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.

Fav 8 3004 902
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"

Fav 7 3120 1528
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?

Fav 3 2252 880
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.

Fav 12 3406 1043
share tweet
(580): View more from Oklahoma

I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!

Fav 6 3689 974
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm

Fav 2 3242 1005
share tweet
(805): View more from California

Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.

Fav 3 2558 1448
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan

Fav 3 2647 938
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."

Fav 4 2461 992
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.

Fav 5 2394 907
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator

Fav 12 1102 2794
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.

Fav 9 4108 1028
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time

Fav 12 2672 896
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.

Fav 9 2358 921
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.

Fav 14 3431 1852
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.

Fav 5 2982 1316
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower

Fav 10 3753 1274
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore

Fav 5 2576 989
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...

Fav 7 2691 1294
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.

Fav 6 1559 1137
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown

Fav 14 3512 1239
share tweet
(432): View more from Texas

There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!

Fav 9 2611 1221
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....

Fav 15 5889 1253
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.

Fav 6 2421 982
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".

Fav 7 3498 1022
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....

Fav 6 2616 837
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age

Fav 10 3842 1032
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.

Fav 5 2831 1042
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.

Fav 34 3942 3471
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.

Fav 8 3983 1139
share tweet
(707): View more from California

I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.

(1-707): View more from California

is that even a sentence?

Fav 13 3604 1448
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.

Fav 10 4574 1286
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.

Fav 6 2937 886
share tweet
(731): View more from Tennessee

He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties

Fav 5 3245 948
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.

Fav 6 3023 875
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.

Fav 6 3496 1186
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.

Fav 12 3659 2178
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency

Fav 10 4249 1232
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class

(1-914): View more from New York

that is WHY your in summer classes

(914): View more from New York

worth it

Fav 10 4252 1214
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either

Fav 5 3141 1195
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.

Fav 17 4263 1229
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.

Fav 10 2329 1154
share tweet
(415): View more from California

so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?

Fav 19 3851 1379
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.

Fav 4 2809 1505
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.

Fav 3 2086 941
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."

Fav 4 2709 919
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?

Fav 6 2184 858
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.

Fav 7 3456 961
share tweet
(818): View more from California

we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.

Fav 9 2755 1055
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex

Fav 9 3447 1448
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".

Fav 6 2841 1087
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman

Fav 11 3468 1411
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.

Fav 1 994 2719
share tweet
(209): View more from California

What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?

Fav 20 3567 1482
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.

Fav 12 4093 1553
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.

Fav 13 2784 1255
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.

Fav 6 2434 1107
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where the hell are you

(706): View more from Georgia

He's winning.

Fav 23 6117 1556
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?

Fav 11 4161 1767
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.

Fav 9 2038 1093
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this

Fav 9 1031 3879
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.

Fav 4 3419 930
share tweet
(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.

Fav 2 1360 1012
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor

Fav 7 2635 871
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence

Fav 15 3141 1217
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

The beers last night were like the tears from god

Fav 5 2149 894
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.

Fav 6 2452 1580
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

where the hell would u of bought a deer

Fav 9 3217 1093
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.

Fav 4 3667 961
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.

Fav 4 1172 1970
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.

Fav 10 3397 1278
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.

Fav 5 1898 1157
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Hopefully she would park on my face.

Fav 21 6689 1358
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.

Fav 27 3498 967
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday

Fav 4 2628 793
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?

Fav 14 3822 1176
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night

Fav 6 3144 930
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.

Fav 7 2443 1603
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.

Fav 9 1035 2278
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested

Fav 14 2317 1077
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.

Fav 8 2077 912
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.

Fav 14 3121 1097
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.

Fav 3 2399 1547
share tweet
(653): View more from

I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.

Fav 7 1895 1191
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter

Fav 5 2900 1015
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?

Fav 3 1782 860
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.

Fav 4 2649 955
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.

Fav 8 1029 2397
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?

Fav 12 2753 1081
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.

Fav 7 3058 911
share tweet
(559): View more from California

He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.

Fav 6 1378 2741
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.

Fav 5 2960 970
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light

Fav 7 1696 2169
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did mom hear me barking???

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

sooo high. sooo many dog friends

Fav 7 3957 1091
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.

Fav 7 3701 1258
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"

Fav 6 2772 1104
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

They were actually really boring considering how we met them.

(1-845): View more from New York

howd you meet them?

(845): View more from New York

They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.

Fav 18 4885 1268
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off

Fav 10 3785 1728
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.

Fav 9 3333 1079
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs

Fav 7 2673 1449
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians

Fav 3 2460 1007
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.

Fav 4 3453 1013
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?

Fav 10 6028 1092
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.

Fav 2 2147 788
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.

Fav 10 6678 1483
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.

Fav 6 2401 1069
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?

Fav 10 3433 1122
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.

Fav 5 2377 1648
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.

(631): View more from New York

i got hit in the ear.

Fav 6 2658 1432
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down

Fav 4 3088 1043
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.

Fav 14 3723 1203
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."

Fav 9 3567 1018
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...

Fav 7 2338 858
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.

Fav 12 2375 1286
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch

Fav 13 4539 1855
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job

Fav 7 3184 1005
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.

Fav 6 3768 919
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.

Fav 12 1466 3375
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.

Fav 4 3333 959
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.

Fav 7 1372 5099
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues

Fav 7 2361 1124
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...

Fav 3 2478 1016
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.

Fav 7 5331 1098
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.

Fav 15 3502 1490
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.

Fav 8 2258 1017
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.

Fav 12 3897 1154
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE

Fav 11 1569 3002
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.

Fav 8 3549 1125
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.

Fav 6 2612 1043
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.

Fav 8 4348 1416
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD

Fav 5 2314 1139
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.

Fav 10 2795 1359
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.

Fav 8 4061 1247
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night

Fav 10 3065 1114
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof

Fav 7 3389 1037
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.

Fav 15 2339 1022
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.

Fav 5 3684 1166
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.

Fav 9 2607 1256
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know

Fav 7 2425 1337
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on

Fav 5 2954 1812
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.

Fav 6 3350 1320
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.

Fav 9 3575 1407
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.

Fav 5 2788 1561
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count

Fav 4 1849 1208
share tweet
(707): View more from California

He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.

Fav 21 7788 1514
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.

Fav 3 2547 1206
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck

Fav 20 3789 2097
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Fav 8 2434 1141
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.

Fav 12 4835 1256
share tweet
(530): View more from California

Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.

Fav 8 2785 1258
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.

Fav 8 2129 1377
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.

Fav 5 1360 1416
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar

Fav 6 2513 957
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out

Fav 2 2140 948
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.

Fav 6 2683 1654
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.

(917): View more from New York City

what ever happened to our old dealer?

Fav 1 2699 1253
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

ttyl tear gas

Fav 13 1428 2784
share tweet
(435): View more from Utah

Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.

Fav 29 6280 1536
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later

Fav 8 2813 1156
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.

Fav 12 3476 1263
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone

Fav 5 2145 1675
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.

Fav 6 2905 1413
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.

Fav 8 5524 1329
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.

Fav 9 3882 1450
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?

Fav 5 3419 1282
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!

Fav 11 3383 1257
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again

(443): View more from Maryland

I hate when that happens

Fav 2 1822 1370
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.

Fav 7 3016 1517
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.

Fav 9 2660 1409
share tweet
(523): View more from

Hey did where's my bong?

(1-523): View more from

In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right

(523): View more from

Should I bother to ask?

Fav 8 3316 1265
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog

Fav 12 1188 3037
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture

Fav 3 1920 1351
share tweet
(661): View more from California

u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom

Fav 10 3697 1235
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..

Fav 2 2639 1214
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.

Fav 5 2533 1174
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?

Fav 9 4843 1294
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.

Fav 23 3362 1275
share tweet
(805): View more from California

I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.

Fav 4 3304 1890
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.

Fav 6 2682 1668
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first

Fav 6 1762 1139
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.

Fav 15 2385 1634
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.

(970): View more from Colorado

Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"

Fav 8 3813 1174
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.

Fav 3 2952 1071
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.

Fav 50 6020 1958
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.

Fav 2 2383 1145
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.

Fav 5 1530 3011
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?

Fav 4 2342 1535
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.

Fav 9 2786 1194
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?

Fav 10 3263 1436
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"

Fav 13 4303 1303
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.

Fav 12 4561 1270
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding

Fav 16 1781 4006
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.

Fav 5 2411 1143
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.

Fav 8 3371 1292
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.

Fav 9 8180 1259
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.

Fav 9 3023 1504
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.

Fav 14 1389 3061
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.

Fav 3 1144 2421
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.

Fav 5 2345 1225
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.

Fav 6 2923 1051
share tweet
(478): View more from Georgia

Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.

Fav 6 2484 987
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

She's clinging to me like a horny koala.

Fav 10 3790 1349
share tweet
(562): View more from California

I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.

Fav 10 3789 1130
share tweet
(831): View more from California

She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs

Fav 7 3423 1523
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd

Fav 5 2902 1589
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.

Fav 4 3391 1059
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.

Fav 8 2171 981
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.

Fav 17 1557 3603
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy

Fav 10 2871 1181
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.

Fav 4 2480 1504
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off

Fav 5 3107 1216
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?

Fav 26 7867 1360
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.

Fav 10 3131 1199
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.

Fav 3 2316 1250
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center

Fav 9 2891 1186
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.

Fav 14 3235 1473
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Be still, my beating vagina.

Fav 22 4817 1443
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.

Fav 1 1872 922
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.

Fav 7 2693 1015
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS

Fav 8 3118 1287
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.

Fav 11 4338 1221
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Did you bedazzle the elevator?

Fav 2 3650 1003
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it

Fav 6 4610 2054
share tweet
(+64): View more from New Zealand

I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.

Fav 5 3940 1237
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.

Fav 5 2604 1377
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.

Fav 9 5163 1144
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.

Fav 8 5121 1264
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....

Fav 4 2088 2915
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.

Fav 7 4519 1063
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.

Fav 3 2373 855
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.

Fav 8 3813 1193
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.

Fav 8 4473 1581
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.

Fav 6 1687 2560
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.

Fav 6 3029 1009
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger

Fav 9 2645 1234
share tweet
(323): View more from California

He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated

Fav 7 3369 1095
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer

Fav 13 2765 1056
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you

Fav 8 4193 1000
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers

Fav 16 1438 5544
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.

Fav 14 1640 3474
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines

Fav 26 4165 1294
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.

Fav 14 3113 1445
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation

Fav 16 2934 1614
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?

Fav 13 2763 1609
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.

Fav 9 3350 961
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias

Fav 6 3953 982
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups

Fav 5 2276 858
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"

Fav 8 3289 1153
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt

Fav 8 1308 3147
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..

Fav 5 2443 952
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.

Fav 12 3167 933
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.

Fav 3 3070 1019
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

We talked him into tasing himself.

Fav 12 3392 1367
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos

Fav 9 2934 1152
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.

Fav 9 1727 1996
share tweet
(587): View more from Alberta

The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.

Fav 19 3117 1262
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion

Fav 7 3757 1025
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.

Fav 3 2685 1004
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children

Fav 8 2098 1041
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby

(617): View more from Massachusetts

your completely serious

Fav 9 2666 1347
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.

Fav 17 4461 2126
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Come over. Drunk tacos.

(1-214): View more from Texas

That isn't even a sentence.

(214): View more from Texas

I kept the important parts.

Fav 8 5127 1226
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.

Fav 16 4210 1257
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.

Fav 9 1378 2870
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.

Fav 4 3728 1459
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.

Fav 9 3208 1198
share tweet
(408): View more from California

I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete

Fav 9 3184 982
share tweet
(408): View more from California

I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year

Fav 3 1937 903
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man

Fav 18 4441 1307
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?

Fav 6 2761 1098
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.

Fav 7 2652 1311
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.

Fav 11 2829 1339
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.

Fav 7 3324 1516
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.

Fav 9 2418 1587
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.

Fav 7 3675 1082
share tweet
(760): View more from California

Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.

Fav 9 2810 1072
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.

Fav 7 2476 1213
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!

Fav 9 2998 1176
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am

Fav 5 3713 1681
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys

Fav 2 2693 1683
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Vomiting outside the employee entrance

Fav 15 7818 2211
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer

Fav 15 1918 2558
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.

Fav 12 3068 1572
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.

Fav 3 3280 1095
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."

Fav 8 4084 1131
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did

Fav 11 1102 1738
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight

Fav 4 2759 946
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.

Fav 13 3672 1222
share tweet
(949): View more from California

You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.

Fav 8 2779 1052
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.

Fav 6 1884 1293
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?

Fav 28 8678 1595
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.

Fav 30 3624 1102
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.

Fav 5 5188 1119
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker

Fav 8 3234 1277
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.

Fav 6 2635 1042
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too

Fav 6 3665 1115
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.

Fav 3 2040 961
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.

Fav 2 1630 1127
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want

Fav 5 2585 1023
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.

Fav 4 2723 1126
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.

Fav 7 3242 1070
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"

Fav 8 3815 1276
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds

Fav 6 2574 1239
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.

Fav 4 3061 921
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?

Fav 9 1877 944
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.

Fav 14 4699 1182
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!

Fav 9 3074 1158
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.

Fav 5 2665 1153
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.

Fav 5 2821 1049
share tweet
(435): View more from Utah

When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics

Fav 13 4201 1243
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."

Fav 6 3753 1181
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT

Fav 14 7886 1388
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo

Fav 8 3806 941
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.

Fav 5 2004 1026
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay

Fav 18 2280 1180
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"

Fav 2 3928 968
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?

Fav 14 4019 1122
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever

Fav 15 2959 840
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.

Fav 4 2958 914
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.

Fav 4 2712 1025
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party

Fav 2 2338 1047
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace

Fav 8 3008 978
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

Fav 27 10891 1408
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.

Fav 9 1234 2346
share tweet
(949): View more from California

He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.

Fav 13 2763 1623
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog

Fav 16 3094 1402
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.

Fav 16 3027 1400
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP

Fav 6 3638 1103
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?

Fav 7 2598 1009
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.

Fav 26 9660 1374
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.

Fav 11 2833 1099
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river

Fav 12 2836 1024
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight

Fav 7 4437 1082
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out

Fav 1 1791 807
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.

Fav 11 4590 1395
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.

Fav 6 3401 1220
share tweet
(310): View more from California

My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...

Fav 11 3383 1428
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.

Fav 16 1600 2241
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada

Fav 9 2614 1050
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again

Fav 5 3136 1145
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

im getting coffee to go get coffee.

(435): View more from Utah

Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.

Fav 2 3809 1334
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.

Fav 12 1654 2983
share tweet
(830): View more from Texas

I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call

Fav 12 1156 2806
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

I had to brake up with him.

(602): View more from Arizona

In my experience drinking helps.

(480): View more from Arizona

You dont want to know why?

(602): View more from Arizona

Not really. I want to drink.

Fav 27 5038 1421
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??

Fav 32 4310 1407
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.

Fav 6 2344 1105
share tweet
(510): View more from California

It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.

Fav 4 2498 949
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.

Fav 4 2925 1072
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar

Fav 6 3519 1022
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

He's almost as awesome as vicodin.

(513): View more from Ohio

Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you

Fav 8 2735 967
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.

Fav 4 4499 952
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.

Fav 6 2438 1024
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.

Fav 4 3328 1186
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?

Fav 8 7165 1340
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.

(406): View more from Montana

Hospital.

(509): View more from Washington

I am invincible.

Fav 10 2823 1491
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'

Fav 4 2463 1197
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

On my way to the DMV to get arrested

Fav 8 1336 2348
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.

Fav 6 1965 1810
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.

Fav 7 3114 882
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.

Fav 5 2534 883
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!

Fav 1 1908 885
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.

Fav 4 1728 1072
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"

Fav 6 3892 968
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.

Fav 4 2563 1254
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you

Fav 4 1920 866
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.

Fav 11 4954 1498
share tweet
(530): View more from California

I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover

Fav 7 3044 1331
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench

Fav 20 6064 1759
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.

Fav 17 3129 1122
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.

Fav 11 2343 1244
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..

Fav 12 2391 985
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.

Fav 8 890 2379
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.

Fav 10 2810 1257
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.

Fav 4 2015 855
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.

Fav 4 2120 1602
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?

Fav 2 2537 1123
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea

Fav 5 3780 1118
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow

Fav 13 4841 1202
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?

Fav 3 1312 1149
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"

Fav 5 2707 982
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.

Fav 7 4435 1207
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.

Fav 10 2727 1083
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me

Fav 9 3458 1199
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.

Fav 9 3047 1132
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry

Fav 6 2860 1205
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.

Fav 10 2464 830
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.

Fav 17 4544 1046
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.

Fav 6 3689 1030
share tweet
(323): View more from California

Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.

Fav 9 3183 1131
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us

Fav 12 2516 1080
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.

Fav 6 2674 1017
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.

Fav 2 1942 1462
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire

Fav 6 6163 1085
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!

Fav 19 5014 1083
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.

Fav 20 3018 1249
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.

Fav 13 3040 986
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."

Fav 6 2594 944
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers

Fav 9 3345 1015
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!

(860): View more from Connecticut

I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo

Fav 14 8903 1453
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.

Fav 9 2435 1002
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"

Fav 11 4242 1464
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober

Fav 4 4155 1213
share tweet