Texts From Last Night · kgirl1992's Favorites

Sorry steve2000 hasn't picked any favorites yet.

kgirl1992's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(931): View more from Tennessee

his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood

Fav 20 4342 1441
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.

(1-518): View more from New York

Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.

Fav 3 2045 719
share tweet

(519): View more from Ontario

yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?

Fav 5 2572 911
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"

Fav 4 1832 822
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?

Fav 18 5665 1185
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.

Fav 20 3973 1738
share tweet

(916): View more from California

WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!

Fav 10 1281 3010
share tweet

(808): View more from Hawaii

So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.

Fav 10 3332 1133
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.

Fav 15 5738 1907
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.

Fav 6 4063 1640
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt

Fav 10 3257 1023
share tweet

(317): View more from Indiana

Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.

Fav 9 4115 1403
share tweet

(715): View more from Wisconsin

I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.

Fav 5 1177 3123
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it

Fav 2 1597 698
share tweet

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?

Fav 14 4188 1797
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever

Fav 29 3043 951
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.

Fav 5 2730 805
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.

Fav 11 2656 1256
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?

Fav 19 1509 821
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you

Fav 8 1733 608
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"

Fav 3 803 667
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out

Fav 4 783 1204
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.

(845): View more from New York

I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"

Fav 7 2226 670
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic

Fav 10 1648 1099
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO

Fav 7 2971 885
share tweet
(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.

Fav 6 915 1063
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.

Fav 6 2214 812
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.

Fav 12 2306 753
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up

Fav 8 994 589
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?

Fav 14 1602 853
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.

Fav 7 3244 990
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"

Fav 11 971 1727
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.

Fav 9 3564 897
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.

Fav 5 1203 810
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.

Fav 2 3888 874
share tweet
(361): View more from Texas

I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body

Fav 3 1285 772
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.

Fav 6 1019 706
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."

Fav 4 2218 901
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG

Fav 6 837 1171
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use

(716): View more from New York

how?

(585): View more from New York

not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days

Fav 13 2350 861
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock

Fav 10 2341 1116
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.

Fav 13 2961 1018
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

We don't really communicate like that.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Communicate like what?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.

Fav 3 1993 949
share tweet
(707): View more from California

I wish your snatch was here

(443): View more from Maryland

If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you

Fav 12 2016 985
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that

Fav 3 1565 707
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!

Fav 6 2124 869
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future

Fav 1 1283 1102
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.

Fav 7 1922 859
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.

Fav 1 1372 676
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods

Fav 6 3917 889
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.

Fav 4 1455 1063
share tweet
(714): View more from California

You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!

Fav 5 1931 1051
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted

Fav 5 1662 890
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired

Fav 5 1168 1938
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.

Fav 4 802 1207
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon

Fav 3 1371 665
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed

Fav 1 1309 722
share tweet
(848): View more from New Jersey

Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.

(732): View more from New Jersey

You live a charmed life.

Fav 8 2632 1051
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.

Fav 4 1179 716
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.

Fav 19 1914 1535
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there

Fav 4 1084 1540
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.

Fav 19 1161 1938
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"

(763): View more from Minnesota

and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.

Fav 6 1761 876
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

He should be castrated

(604): View more from British Columbia

Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons

Fav 7 834 1248
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am

Fav 7 1050 1785
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.

Fav 3 2163 854
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...

Fav 11 2599 937
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.

Fav 7 1026 1752
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.

Fav 6 1342 737
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.

Fav 7 737 1749
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.

Fav 3 1434 893
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.

Fav 2 1289 731
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.

Fav 15 1681 761
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee

Fav 18 979 1923
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter

Fav 6 2036 993
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.

Fav 6 1317 666
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here

Fav 9 938 1759
share tweet
(787): View more from Puerto Rico

I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?

Fav 8 1062 1819
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!

Fav 16 4379 1159
share tweet
(916): View more from California

When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.

(1-916): View more from California

Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off

Fav 3 1627 821
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.

Fav 8 941 1894
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'

(1-623): View more from Arizona

I thought I could.

Fav 4 3500 1004
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.

Fav 10 1553 905
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.

Fav 0 1184 809
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?

Fav 18 2500 873
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose

Fav 3 929 707
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.

Fav 12 4169 1087
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!

Fav 10 2019 862
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST

Fav 4 825 1409
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.

Fav 2 1355 839
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.

Fav 6 1429 892
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?

Fav 13 4035 1128
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence

Fav 2 1630 871
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.

Fav 5 1195 842
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....

Fav 11 1050 2791
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom

(347): View more from New York

I can't even drink.

(646): View more from New York

The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.

Fav 10 2270 960
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?

Fav 14 2039 1402
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?

Fav 9 936 1391
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person

Fav 2 1392 731
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die

Fav 18 1440 1040
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.

Fav 3 1863 789
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.

Fav 6 1756 1426
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.

Fav 6 2297 899
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work

Fav 3 1455 798
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.

Fav 7 2122 900
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?

Fav 7 1351 987
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.

Fav 7 3018 1089
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.

Fav 11 1858 1160
share tweet
(580): View more from Oklahoma

the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.

Fav 14 2603 1157
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?

Fav 5 1390 883
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.

Fav 5 2066 828
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.

(303): View more from Colorado

Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.

Fav 3 2408 1019
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?

Fav 7 1109 827
share tweet
(956): View more from Texas

WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!

Fav 12 2142 934
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"

Fav 5 1536 684
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.

Fav 8 1585 810
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"

Fav 7 3366 824
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND

Fav 23 2090 919
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.

Fav 1 1329 647
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.

Fav 12 985 2516
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.

Fav 28 4227 1172
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.

Fav 9 1728 905
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.

Fav 3 2246 800
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.

Fav 24 3457 1013
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you

Fav 5 939 1701
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.

Fav 2 1945 656
share tweet
(772): View more from Florida

How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?

Fav 7 1404 776
share tweet
(737): View more from Texas

Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.

Fav 5 1784 957
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good

Fav 3 1424 749
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.

Fav 10 2017 841
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.

Fav 3 1037 924
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

A true beacon of hope in these dark times

Fav 12 2547 953
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.

Fav 2 2098 798
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .

Fav 22 1435 3232
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.

Fav 1 1206 674
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.

(712): View more from Iowa

Welcome to college.

Fav 9 2217 845
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again

Fav 8 1527 673
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.

Fav 10 1843 1173
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire

Fav 5 1950 1011
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes

Fav 13 1649 830
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.

Fav 3 1343 688
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!

Fav 4 2094 786
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.

Fav 9 1328 907
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable

Fav 1 818 1264
share tweet
(276): View more from Virginia

They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?

Fav 8 1915 1175
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand

Fav 10 1060 1380
share tweet
(530): View more from California

My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.

(916): View more from California

That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.

Fav 1 2375 844
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol

Fav 11 820 1607
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.

Fav 7 3620 843
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.

Fav 6 2335 991
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.

Fav 6 1878 693
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection

Fav 7 1646 811
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?

Fav 6 1501 995
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.

Fav 4 1822 1247
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.

Fav 5 2176 853
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?

Fav 6 1010 1506
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU

Fav 2 1957 848
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.

Fav 25 1924 1702
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.

Fav 7 3336 1006
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.

Fav 9 1037 1342
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?

Fav 4 689 1094
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.

Fav 5 1884 1208
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?

Fav 1 1602 815
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD

(469): View more from Texas

My thighs feel like glass

Fav 3 1807 830
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...

Fav 12 4348 1198
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke

Fav 3 1232 694
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.

Fav 11 1444 1403
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this

Fav 6 2017 810
share tweet
(408): View more from California

So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl

Fav 8 2521 824
share tweet
(320): View more from Minnesota

No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple

Fav 11 2115 870
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.

Fav 3 1151 923
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.

Fav 7 1152 760
share tweet
(619): View more from California

THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS

Fav 11 1838 806
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning

Fav 5 1783 729
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode

Fav 5 1678 954
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.

Fav 11 2945 1162
share tweet
(951): View more from California

You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.

(1-951): View more from California

This is the first time I'm hearing this information.

Fav 20 4141 1013
share tweet
(661): View more from California

How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.

Fav 17 843 1541
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.

(1-443): View more from Maryland

That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.

Fav 18 1388 3110
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.

Fav 14 2627 907
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std

Fav 14 853 1828
share tweet
(831): View more from California

I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.

Fav 7 1472 916
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?

Fav 9 1275 792
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation

Fav 5 1130 632
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.

Fav 6 966 1923
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.

Fav 8 841 1227
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.

Fav 9 1716 784
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians

Fav 8 1539 785
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?

Fav 10 2513 807
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE

Fav 12 2979 871
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..

Fav 8 1517 1117
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit

Fav 3 1523 700
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.

Fav 7 2506 1028
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.

Fav 3 924 1331
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera

Fav 4 1361 770
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.

Fav 7 1405 900
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.

Fav 1 1169 770
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?

(1-515): View more from Iowa

Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....

Fav 10 2540 807
share tweet
(925): View more from California

The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves

Fav 4 813 1820
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?

Fav 4 1486 713
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."

Fav 9 878 3047
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

Sunday is the day of rest.

(857): View more from Massachusetts

As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.

Fav 3 2437 869
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"

Fav 13 3063 1579
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees

Fav 7 1216 1915
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.

Fav 5 2596 1330
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...

Fav 12 2180 1438
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Shitshow foam night was such a success

Fav 3 1766 1193
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"

Fav 3 1158 1200
share tweet
(587): View more from Alberta

Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?

Fav 7 1674 758
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified

Fav 9 1631 1035
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.

Fav 2 1194 692
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.

Fav 13 2343 869
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.

Fav 4 1240 799
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night

Fav 6 1278 909
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Drink for every country you've never heard of.

(630): View more from Illinois

Fuuuuuuuuuck

Fav 9 3020 943
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire

Fav 14 2840 1167
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom

Fav 11 862 2450
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?

Fav 4 1639 1249
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.

Fav 11 2129 1293
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.

Fav 5 783 1561
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man

Fav 7 2077 846
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.

Fav 13 827 1947
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.

Fav 3 635 1158
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.

Fav 9 1108 839
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?

Fav 8 736 1726
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.

Fav 10 814 1507
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY

Fav 5 1101 591
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex

Fav 7 1451 779
share tweet
(+49): View more from Germany

I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka

Fav 4 2026 1167
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.

Fav 11 1003 2197
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere

Fav 4 1494 820
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.

(1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.

Fav 5 2624 795
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.

Fav 16 1943 828
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.

Fav 31 837 2665
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band

(312): View more from Illinois

Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume

Fav 19 3156 1035
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.

Fav 12 2931 874
share tweet
(956): View more from Texas

Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW

Fav 8 1667 673
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox

Fav 4 1454 788
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.

Fav 3 2353 795
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.

Fav 15 1967 749
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.

Fav 10 1800 738
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.

Fav 9 1402 620
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.

Fav 17 2515 828
share tweet
(760): View more from California

I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog

Fav 10 4393 1549
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling

Fav 8 1684 1100
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.

Fav 13 2922 899
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO

Fav 14 2867 966
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice

Fav 7 1290 746
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

Who in tha hell do u hang out with?

Fav 5 2423 956
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.

Fav 9 2069 922
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...

Fav 6 1814 1065
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.

Fav 11 1246 744
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.

Fav 9 2258 852
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now

Fav 11 2200 805
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.

Fav 8 2121 841
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on

Fav 11 1309 664
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode

Fav 26 2483 955
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends

Fav 3 1588 685
share tweet
(728): View more from

We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.

Fav 7 1064 720
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.

Fav 5 1759 1116
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?

Fav 7 2392 859
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.

Fav 6 1205 739
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4

Fav 36 1953 977
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

whiskey

(914): View more from New York

stop

(518): View more from New York

tequila

(914): View more from New York

you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up

Fav 3 2049 776
share tweet
(831): View more from California

After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"

Fav 4 3046 882
share tweet
(567): View more from Ohio

Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.

Fav 8 1098 899
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.

Fav 6 1820 830
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.

Fav 9 941 1414
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers

Fav 10 1903 789
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.

Fav 1 1397 642
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.

Fav 10 1096 1443
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.

Fav 6 624 1446
share tweet
(805): View more from California

What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.

Fav 29 3788 953
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.

Fav 13 2078 787
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.

(213): View more from California

I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.

Fav 15 2176 960
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.

Fav 7 785 1471
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.

Fav 4 1458 756
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.

Fav 10 3086 976
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?

Fav 17 840 1943
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.

Fav 25 5496 1947
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.

Fav 14 3080 862
share tweet
(949): View more from California

did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?

Fav 9 1180 747
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else

Fav 5 1697 766
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period

Fav 8 2570 820
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.

Fav 15 731 2026
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.

(1-520): View more from Arizona

I can pencil you in at 3:30

Fav 8 3346 1235
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.

Fav 5 1861 899
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit

Fav 4 2141 737
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..

(973): View more from New Jersey

We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..

Fav 4 1907 709
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.

Fav 7 2240 1041
share tweet
(707): View more from California

I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.

Fav 3 1878 740
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.

Fav 20 3126 1118
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES

(1-303): View more from Colorado

YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES

Fav 9 2784 806
share tweet
(754): View more from Florida

You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.

Fav 18 5242 1422
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor

Fav 5 4772 1150
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.

Fav 15 5920 2115
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.

Fav 21 10267 1205
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!

Fav 23 3174 1153
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.

Fav 39 1769 4700
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??

Fav 9 1485 4298
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.

Fav 10 9630 1339
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I feel strange, like something is off with my body

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days

Fav 3 1895 806
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.

Fav 4 907 1205
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Almost there.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.

Fav 1 2075 736
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck

Fav 16 1090 1600
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.

Fav 18 7045 1554
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.

Fav 3 2276 1288
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point

Fav 2 2262 823
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.

Fav 9 2830 1052
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.

Fav 14 2338 1147
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."

Fav 8 2113 1381
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?

Fav 18 6103 1148
share tweet
(510): View more from California

It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.

(1-510): View more from California

First world problems?

Fav 6 2759 868
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.

Fav 39 1407 11705
share tweet
(858): View more from California

Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch

Fav 28 9227 1761
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere

Fav 7 826 1543
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious

Fav 2 1366 852
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.

Fav 5 2049 720
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?

Fav 7 2233 997
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?

Fav 7 2280 1037
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro

Fav 5 1435 598
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?

Fav 5 1577 768
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober

Fav 1 1009 736
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina

(401): View more from Rhode Island

I told you those kegels would come in handy one day

Fav 22 2654 905
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.

Fav 4 2317 754
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.

Fav 264 3072 28090
share tweet
(323): View more from California

Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?

(1-323): View more from California

We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?

(323): View more from California

Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.

Fav 44 1838 28970
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!

(1-314): View more from Missouri

What?

(314): View more from Missouri

I have a yeast infection.

Fav 180 2621 29259
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

Fav 156 7728 42053
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

Fav 182 53565 2640
share tweet
(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

Fav 304 104248 6824
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won

Fav 10 1651 743
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.

Fav 15 2261 838
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.

Fav 9 2005 795
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....

Fav 15 5889 1253
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.

Fav 16 1400 4473
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!

(508): View more from Massachusetts

because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.

Fav 20 9617 1698
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?

Fav 8 2759 971
share tweet
(343): View more from Ontario

Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?

Fav 14 1070 2876
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?

Fav 18 4317 1543
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.

Fav 9 3243 1148
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.

Fav 4 1824 788
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.

(480): View more from Arizona

I told you I would

(931): View more from Tennessee

I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend

Fav 7 2574 950
share tweet
(772): View more from Florida

You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.

Fav 10 2183 901
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?

Fav 4 1222 761
share tweet
(772): View more from Florida

I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?

Fav 14 1901 725
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar

Fav 6 3547 947
share tweet
(320): View more from Minnesota

He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...

(320): View more from Minnesota

He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.

Fav 26 2514 1377
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..

Fav 12 3009 927
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her

Fav 10 5108 1244
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.

Fav 11 1234 777
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...

Fav 2 1759 681
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.

Fav 3 1233 748
share tweet
(714): View more from California

walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

(714): View more from California

he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

Fav 44 5323 9044
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.

Fav 6 1482 724
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states

Fav 22 890 1596
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.

Fav 8 1799 764
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.

Fav 28 7267 1299
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

What do you wear to apply at a strip club?

Fav 18 2545 1026
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag

Fav 9 1535 4729
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

Fav 61 17233 1494
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.

(254): View more from Texas

He's majoring in Religion

Fav 9 2793 960
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating

Fav 10 3628 1231
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.

Fav 34 3572 10373
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads

Fav 10 2163 1385
share tweet
(+49): View more from Germany

The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?

Fav 8 4325 1686
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back

Fav 7 3847 1071
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero

(618): View more from Illinois

I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.

Fav 16 3224 998
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3

Fav 5 944 1239
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?

Fav 3 916 1199
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?

Fav 20 3854 1245
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum

Fav 5 854 1848
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.

Fav 10 1388 1061
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.

Fav 4 824 2412
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi

Fav 3 1412 708
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.

Fav 2 1621 762
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI

Fav 4 1226 841
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?

(315): View more from New York

His step dad chiming in on the jokes.

Fav 6 1658 945
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.

Fav 6 1877 908
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"

Fav 7 873 1825
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer

Fav 31 11664 1813
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I am too young to be this hungover

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?

Fav 5 912 1295
share tweet
(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?

Fav 33 2670 4950
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me

Fav 20 2414 4104
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?

Fav 12 2498 1009
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.

Fav 10 1076 1177
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?

Fav 8 1379 705
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....

Fav 6 1111 3628
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?

Fav 6 2493 1022
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites

Fav 21 9308 1532
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.

Fav 28 2708 5123
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Why am I in a dog kennel?

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

It was for your own safety

Fav 27 13674 1976
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.

Fav 18 7586 1160
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE

Fav 17 1272 2284
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?

Fav 9 2061 859
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.

Fav 4 1312 836
share tweet
(619): View more from California

The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.

Fav 24 2197 885
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?

Fav 17 2077 1256
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire

Fav 7 2600 987
share tweet
(805): View more from California

Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.

Fav 0 687 954
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.

Fav 10 2498 745
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.

Fav 6 730 1551
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.

Fav 10 1705 800
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.

Fav 8 2185 1006
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day

Fav 9 1424 879
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?

Fav 4 1875 658
share tweet
(213): View more from California

And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at

Fav 5 2018 780
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??

Fav 17 1089 2713
share tweet
(951): View more from California

Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?

(951): View more from California

...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...

Fav 10 1734 807
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.

Fav 10 831 2763
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.

Fav 4 1967 685
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?

Fav 5 2163 807
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!

Fav 18 1488 3192
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?

Fav 13 1208 853
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.

Fav 18 2271 1016
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.

Fav 47 2099 3377
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.

Fav 6 1346 925
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.

Fav 6 1866 800
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?

Fav 4 1527 854
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?

Fav 22 3436 1198
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.

Fav 15 1848 1194
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility

(910): View more from North Carolina

well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...

Fav 5 2027 1040
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.

Fav 8 1805 968
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.

Fav 3 1933 698
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes

Fav 6 1065 878
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.

Fav 8 2706 1099
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.

Fav 27 3792 1291
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.

Fav 6 921 1339
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

If this party got busted it would be an improvement

Fav 7 790 1736
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.

Fav 2 2330 678
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.

Fav 12 5264 1070
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight

Fav 50 13557 1912
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?

Fav 7 2427 843
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.

Fav 6 721 1395
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.

Fav 9 3617 1259
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?

Fav 6 2488 893
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"

Fav 20 5314 1102
share tweet
(435): View more from Utah

Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'

Fav 26 2811 8428
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?

(910): View more from North Carolina

That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?

(770): View more from Georgia

Touche.

(910): View more from North Carolina

I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.

Fav 6 4342 1238
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life

Fav 16 5034 1198
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.

Fav 28 5987 1843
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...

Fav 12 3680 1345
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day

Fav 16 4409 1066
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up

Fav 5 3409 927
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....

(617): View more from Massachusetts

This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.

Fav 12 3303 1179
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house

(713): View more from Texas

So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?

Fav 15 4257 1165
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.

Fav 16 6296 2285
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.

(1-585): View more from New York

You are so irish.

Fav 19 7403 1255
share tweet
(415): View more from California

When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?

Fav 20 1229 2285
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

What happened to chicks over dicks?

(1-514): View more from Quebec

That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..

Fav 50 8880 1353
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat

Fav 19 7176 1488
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.

Fav 7 2156 875
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I left it in that guy's dorm room.

Fav 4 1879 898
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)

Fav 13 4467 1188
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing

Fav 2 3453 1304
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.

Fav 17 9423 1218
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later

Fav 19 8944 1290
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.

Fav 41 1553 7920
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.

Fav 7 5534 1134
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".

Fav 9 1148 1368
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.

Fav 8 1425 985
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?

Fav 10 1489 808
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance

Fav 8 2509 938
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?

Fav 4 2000 793
share tweet
(530): View more from California

We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.

Fav 8 2157 802
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.

Fav 10 3854 1023
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.

Fav 7 973 1371
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.

Fav 5 1808 749
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.

Fav 5 2014 962
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!

Fav 11 2401 862
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.

Fav 6 1579 931
share tweet
(626): View more from California

We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40

Fav 3 1881 854
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.

Fav 8 1294 752
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.

Fav 1 1313 713
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.

(1-940): View more from Texas

Why don't we hang out more often?

Fav 8 1477 782
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?

Fav 2 1259 717
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK

Fav 4 1446 854
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.

Fav 5 2025 2386
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.

Fav 0 1364 1631
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.

Fav 16 2453 1357
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex

Fav 13 2407 943
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.

Fav 6 3221 961
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.

Fav 17 2733 1359
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP

Fav 22 4529 1662
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...

Fav 8 4291 1177
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

You make your fellow Jews happy.

Fav 16 6765 1430
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.

Fav 2 2086 765
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.

Fav 20 3997 970
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.

Fav 5 1996 770
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.

Fav 17 1885 1018
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.

Fav 12 3282 1064
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.

Fav 11 1057 1644
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.

Fav 7 3549 1454
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.

Fav 14 1365 4984
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.

Fav 10 4248 1229
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?

Fav 22 1657 4240
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.

Fav 4 2163 1338
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...

(1-904): View more from Florida

I saved lives by not driving this morning

Fav 9 8382 1291
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.

Fav 4 3180 2002
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.

Fav 12 6209 1253
share tweet
(510): View more from California

In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...

Fav 9 5503 1194
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness

Fav 17 3556 1140
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.

Fav 28 1522 6461
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?

(949): View more from California

Midgetier?

(714): View more from California

Smaller, yet meaner.

Fav 12 4399 1212
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.

Fav 30 2019 4783
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.

Fav 6 1295 3345
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus

Fav 2 1841 829
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.

Fav 9 2586 818
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.

Fav 2 1309 668
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.

Fav 4 777 1249
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.

Fav 5 1508 685
share tweet
(408): View more from California

Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.

Fav 8 1333 1912
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.

Fav 3 1302 804
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it

Fav 11 933 1414
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.

Fav 9 4501 1293
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.

Fav 4 2472 853
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.

Fav 15 3120 1229
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.

Fav 6 7173 1869
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha

Fav 9 1569 705
share tweet
(909): View more from California

I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick

Fav 4 1534 1123
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.

Fav 5 1185 3780
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.

Fav 10 1786 884
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about

Fav 9 7052 1306
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.

Fav 8 4877 1035
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.

Fav 44 4079 1341
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends

Fav 17 5084 2570
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

Fav 29 17913 1675
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?

Fav 3 3699 1177
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.

Fav 14 5777 1407
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

and now there are teeth marks on my dick.

Fav 17 1535 5935
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"

Fav 51 2596 7281
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.

Fav 16 6134 1462
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?

(614): View more from Ohio

is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?

(330): View more from Ohio

how did you know?

Fav 5 2774 865
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.

Fav 17 1506 2063
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.

Fav 13 2846 1806
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.

Fav 2 1322 610
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..

Fav 6 1680 656
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.

Fav 12 1748 875
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

So that wine I told you about is vile...

(360): View more from Washington

That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?

(425): View more from Washington

Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.

Fav 4 1388 826
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.

Fav 15 1545 868
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.

Fav 1 1425 914
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.

Fav 5 1835 925
share tweet
(209): View more from California

Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.

Fav 4 769 1280
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.

Fav 6 1646 705
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.

Fav 15 2429 1020
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?

Fav 8 1278 708
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?

Fav 6 905 1829
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.

Fav 3 3528 951
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?

Fav 2 1387 635
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"

Fav 6 2940 885
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.

Fav 15 1910 870
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.

Fav 6 2189 713
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.

Fav 22 6053 1222
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.

Fav 3 1800 867
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.

Fav 9 4361 1041
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken

(269): View more from Michigan

"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy

Fav 7 1875 939
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.

Fav 9 1593 914
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.

Fav 12 1495 802
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.

Fav 2 1377 659
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral

Fav 3 978 2601
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.

Fav 40 11634 3452
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.

Fav 15 2102 6432
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?

Fav 29 4165 1019
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.

Fav 13 3592 907
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough

Fav 5 1083 1881
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.

Fav 12 4106 1358
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.

Fav 18 5294 1297
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.

Fav 52 2768 8402
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up

Fav 14 3611 2021
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?

Fav 13 4569 1348
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

Fav 50 18540 1570
share tweet
(951): View more from California

omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited

(951): View more from California

dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles

Fav 7 1754 958
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.

Fav 2 1330 675
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.

Fav 3 2498 764
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..

Fav 21 1529 2193
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.

Fav 22 1168 794
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.

Fav 10 2432 898
share tweet
(424): View more from California

Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.

Fav 10 2468 1157
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.

Fav 14 766 2076
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.

Fav 12 1284 2200
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business

Fav 8 1260 967
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.

Fav 10 1638 951
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.

Fav 5 1205 699
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Bad breakup?

(1-410): View more from Maryland

He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.

Fav 54 1755 6808
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.

Fav 12 1781 967
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio

Fav 6 1232 861
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.

Fav 9 1381 1615
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.

(330): View more from Ohio

Dude what the fuck...

Fav 4 1942 821
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.

Fav 5 1499 650
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?

(1-404): View more from Georgia

So the keyword here is "hammered"?

Fav 1 1710 689
share tweet
(310): View more from California

My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?

Fav 5 2706 918
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner

Fav 15 1598 1209
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.

Fav 31 3244 917
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club

Fav 9 1440 842
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.

Fav 27 5086 1307
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.

Fav 8 2029 1163
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.

Fav 6 1932 1013
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me

Fav 3 1454 800
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.

Fav 7 2132 831
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or

Fav 21 2050 1183
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship

Fav 2 1678 915
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I'm pregnant.

(1-407): View more from Florida

The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???

Fav 17 2043 2749
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.

Fav 21 2212 812
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.

Fav 5 1767 1124
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.

Fav 14 3027 1040
share tweet
(916): View more from California

Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable

Fav 5 1043 1438
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.

Fav 16 1016 1538
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.

Fav 5 917 1886
share tweet
(949): View more from California

So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?

Fav 13 1709 1242
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.

Fav 13 1593 797
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.

Fav 6 1579 733
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.

Fav 4 1963 821
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?

(770): View more from Georgia

Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.

Fav 7 2367 856
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless

Fav 19 4370 1002
share tweet
(831): View more from California

Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance

Fav 14 3446 946
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

do we own a ladder

(206): View more from Washington

We do not.

(360): View more from Washington

then how am i on the roof

Fav 18 6100 1086
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...

Fav 3 1032 643
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.

Fav 12 1053 1909
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.

Fav 7 3408 734
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.

Fav 17 3592 1487
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels

Fav 8 2125 812
share tweet
(818): View more from California

The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.

Fav 18 6434 923
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.

Fav 8 1890 892
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?

Fav 12 1772 1137
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw

Fav 7 1564 757
share tweet
(213): View more from California

Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.

(1-213): View more from California

best text I've received ever.

Fav 16 5350 1142
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.

Fav 9 837 1053
share tweet
(916): View more from California

I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge

Fav 4 1288 1203
share tweet
(435): View more from Utah

Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.

Fav 2 1205 1527
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.

Fav 4 3079 951
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.

Fav 12 2678 868
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume

Fav 4 1112 1229
share tweet
(772): View more from Florida

Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting

Fav 2 1173 805
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.

Fav 1 1340 696
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.

(309): View more from Illinois

Too low?

(224): View more from Illinois

Yes.

Fav 4 2172 881
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!

Fav 6 2101 884
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.

Fav 5 1220 772
share tweet
(805): View more from California

I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life

Fav 22 1314 2009
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.

Fav 7 1894 838
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.

(909): View more from California

Whaaaaaat? No way.

(206): View more from Washington

Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.

Fav 16 906 2277
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?

(1-419): View more from Ohio

Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.

Fav 20 3700 932
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.

Fav 18 1289 2655
share tweet
(909): View more from California

So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment

Fav 14 1071 2678
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.

Fav 7 1251 866
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.

Fav 16 2066 955
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people

Fav 7 1150 720
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..

Fav 6 2315 825
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.

Fav 12 3694 891
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it

Fav 9 2121 1079
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?

Fav 3 2047 810
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break

Fav 3 2231 723
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.

Fav 3 780 1131
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.

Fav 4 2395 758
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'

Fav 9 2170 1249
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.

Fav 22 3049 991
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan

Fav 14 2440 1002
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.

Fav 8 3886 880
share tweet
(+64): View more from New Zealand

Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.

Fav 8 2208 926
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us

Fav 8 2499 849
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!

Fav 13 1686 818
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up

Fav 9 2421 896
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.

Fav 4 3112 925
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?

Fav 12 1478 1509
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.

Fav 4 1402 844
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.

Fav 9 2051 727
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.

(615): View more from Tennessee

Like handprints on my lower back...

Fav 3 2251 761
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.

Fav 9 2825 935
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage

(608): View more from Wisconsin

HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES

Fav 5 2900 939
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy

Fav 3 1770 756
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.

Fav 6 2037 906
share tweet
(+33): View more from France

It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"

Fav 3 1731 802
share tweet
(626): View more from California

So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.

Fav 5 3052 927
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.

Fav 7 1676 1029
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body

Fav 7 1740 746
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?

(518): View more from New York

I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game

Fav 7 2083 770
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.

Fav 9 2996 956
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma

Fav 24 9767 1932
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited

(1-214): View more from Texas

I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope

Fav 93 1831 7830
share tweet
(956): View more from Texas

Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."

Fav 25 15048 1717
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??

Fav 18 5096 1504
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school

Fav 36 6961 1880
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.

Fav 19 6388 2064
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.

Fav 7 1702 932
share tweet
(805): View more from California

So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka

(1-805): View more from California

Sweet. Did I win?

(805): View more from California

Youre hungover arent you?

Fav 4 3102 823
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.

Fav 12 1133 935
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.

Fav 15 3225 796
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader

Fav 6 1208 741
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.

Fav 3 804 1219
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.

Fav 5 828 1288
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night

Fav 1 2174 750
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.

Fav 3 1506 722
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.

Fav 6 1663 686
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong

(813): View more from Florida

Thats admirable.

Fav 7 1668 944
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??

Fav 6 1902 862
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..

Fav 14 882 3049
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.

Fav 11 3100 834
share tweet
(858): View more from California

He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him

Fav 12 2651 1021
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me

Fav 2 1588 927
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.

Fav 14 1311 1011
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.

Fav 4 1781 674
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it

Fav 14 3649 892
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down

Fav 5 2081 1080
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.

Fav 4 1438 1131
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.

Fav 3 815 1673
share tweet
(530): View more from California

My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"

Fav 8 4083 782
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle

Fav 5 800 2081
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover

Fav 9 1489 740
share tweet
(619): View more from California

I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"

Fav 5 1653 793
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.

Fav 10 3188 998
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.

Fav 9 4145 1026
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.

Fav 29 15365 1482
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her

Fav 90 3044 23863
share tweet
(559): View more from California

i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...

(559): View more from California

...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!

Fav 29 7370 1216
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

Fav 179 88548 4082
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation

Fav 29 2233 6491
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.

Fav 4 3391 1227
share tweet
(805): View more from California

a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot

(818): View more from California

god is laughing at you again

Fav 20 5447 1962
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.

Fav 24 1844 4644
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."

Fav 5 5012 1043
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.

Fav 11 2679 962
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs

Fav 25 1032 1771
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.

Fav 12 1924 700
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

I wish there were birth control emojis

Fav 16 741 1122
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.

Fav 15 810 2528
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.

Fav 8 2172 660
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night

Fav 6 2190 704
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.

Fav 8 2533 1409
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like

Fav 19 3713 1031
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.

Fav 5 1830 868
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.

Fav 10 2896 967
share tweet
(478): View more from Georgia

We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.

Fav 10 2017 956
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag

Fav 5 1894 1060
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.

(844): View more from

Oh its going to be that type of weekend?

Fav 5 2757 835
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.

Fav 15 2052 1291
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.

Fav 7 1024 2241
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity

Fav 4 1289 703
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.

Fav 9 1681 957
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.

Fav 4 1662 736
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.

Fav 6 1994 798
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.

Fav 11 2848 766
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man

Fav 8 1797 660
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.

(1-315): View more from New York

I fucking hate you.

Fav 9 2232 746
share tweet
(956): View more from Texas

Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?

Fav 7 1306 732
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.

Fav 7 2106 867
share tweet
(818): View more from California

It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.

Fav 9 1303 1710
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.

Fav 12 2620 1488
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.

Fav 4 1307 734
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?

Fav 55 1457 17674
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........

Fav 32 1063 8731
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered

Fav 8 3776 1146
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

it's like russian roulette but with a penis

Fav 12 2801 1383
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.

Fav 14 5105 1018
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future

Fav 8 1058 3887
share tweet
(818): View more from California

you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me

Fav 28 12158 1593
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.

Fav 52 16713 1510
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.

(1-941): View more from Florida

Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.

Fav 13 3649 1117
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?

Fav 5 2006 870
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka

(479): View more from Arkansas

I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once

Fav 10 6347 1203
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?

Fav 82 3162 867
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.

Fav 8 1133 1712
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever

Fav 3 1694 715
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.

Fav 4 2816 1285
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.

Fav 4 2385 800
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.

Fav 14 1733 1205
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20

Fav 12 2541 813
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...

Fav 7 946 1217
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.

Fav 6 1686 740
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.

Fav 11 2068 940
share tweet
(587): View more from Alberta

Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?

Fav 11 1702 1978
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.

Fav 14 3104 1026
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!

Fav 3 1368 681
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?

Fav 6 1460 815
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions

Fav 3 1298 716
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.

Fav 4 2641 1129
share tweet
(818): View more from California

So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth

(323): View more from California

Gross

(818): View more from California

AN ACTUAL PICKLE

Fav 7 2214 856
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?

Fav 11 1455 3320
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.

Fav 7 2130 771
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.

Fav 2 1025 1976
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.

Fav 22 2224 772
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.

Fav 6 3584 952
share tweet
(760): View more from California

Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.

(619): View more from California

I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.

(760): View more from California

I referred to the cat as amicable.

Fav 4 1796 782
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.

Fav 5 1450 673
share tweet
(909): View more from California

I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.

Fav 9 1343 724
share tweet
(714): View more from California

You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying

Fav 7 948 2401
share tweet
(714): View more from California

She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?

Fav 53 1514 5587
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.

Fav 8 1376 793
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Where the royal fuck are you??

(1-425): View more from Washington

The depths of vodka hell.

Fav 13 2513 1029
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic

Fav 9 2079 989
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!

Fav 2 2224 725
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.

Fav 11 797 1509
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth

Fav 5 1606 707
share tweet
(353): View more from

The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend

Fav 4 1246 805
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.

Fav 13 4108 1159
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

How external is "for external use only"?

Fav 16 1076 1666
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog

Fav 6 1861 896
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us

Fav 11 1236 1865
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.

Fav 57 1839 2894
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN

Fav 10 1121 1877
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.

(336): View more from North Carolina

Did it work?

(918): View more from Oklahoma

Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.

Fav 8 3401 880
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.

Fav 6 624 2405
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.

Fav 3 895 2030
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.

Fav 11 1826 1009
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

He's only going to be gone for two weeks

(1-314): View more from Missouri

That's two months in gay whore years.

Fav 3 1469 835
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?

Fav 5 1440 758
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.

Fav 7 2647 847
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that

Fav 10 1239 931
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?

Fav 9 1743 795
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.

Fav 13 1904 980
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?

Fav 6 1066 1347
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

At what point did we cease to have vaginas?

(720): View more from Colorado

Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.

Fav 3 946 2052
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

Fav 12 14088 1678
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.

Fav 46 6836 1705
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.

Fav 15 4354 1137
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged

Fav 16 5133 3191
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.

Fav 10 3943 1677
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.

Fav 24 7687 1318
share tweet
(361): View more from Texas

Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?

Fav 15 9275 1550
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.

Fav 49 1182 5894
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you

Fav 23 4750 957
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.

Fav 5 1420 849
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution

Fav 3 1368 881
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL

Fav 7 1720 790
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.

Fav 17 4554 1183
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore

Fav 6 1918 821
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it

Fav 3 1878 844
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.

Fav 4 2329 706
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??

Fav 7 2150 771
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers

Fav 7 1761 898
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.

Fav 14 3322 1071
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...

Fav 4 1422 591
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.

Fav 14 914 2372
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.

Fav 4 1933 772
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs

Fav 18 1559 1148
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me

Fav 5 973 1655
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!

Fav 2 1433 862
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner

Fav 10 2442 1128
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina

Fav 22 1147 2498
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.

Fav 4 828 1321
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer

Fav 3 1445 770
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.

Fav 11 1836 1269
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.

Fav 6 1131 1527
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.

Fav 10 782 1477
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno

Fav 13 3363 927
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker

Fav 6 2372 1250
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.

Fav 13 4629 2147
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

We need to rekindle our bromance

Fav 48 9046 1746
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.

Fav 42 5710 1144
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.

Fav 4 1386 772
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.

Fav 8 2133 964
share tweet
(510): View more from California

This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?

(925): View more from California

Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.

Fav 7 3556 892
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING

Fav 29 4453 1328
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways

Fav 6 946 1547
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

Ooooh. Get funfetti

Fav 7 3133 988
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.

Fav 2 995 796
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.

(773): View more from Illinois

We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?

Fav 7 1739 716
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.

Fav 26 1366 2965
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.

Fav 5 1657 676
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.

Fav 6 710 2686
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.

(1-419): View more from Ohio

I'm out of town so we should be golden.

Fav 5 2481 701
share tweet
(345): View more from Cayman Islands

so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper

(574): View more from Indiana

well at least shes not calling you fat anymore

Fav 21 6123 1299
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn

Fav 6 2937 801
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub

Fav 13 812 2384
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.

Fav 4 1819 936
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.

Fav 3 1511 734
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Make me a sandwich

(301): View more from Maryland

The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.

Fav 28 6538 1214
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.

Fav 12 2080 851
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.

Fav 17 3678 926
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"

Fav 7 1709 1193
share tweet
(714): View more from California

You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.

Fav 6 1603 910
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.

Fav 11 2478 1003
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.

Fav 13 3004 923
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.

Fav 15 5204 1122
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.

Fav 4 794 1559
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.

Fav 7 2061 924
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.

Fav 12 1033 1213
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.

Fav 7 2553 973
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.

(301): View more from Maryland

Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.

Fav 11 2268 862
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.

Fav 5 1779 855
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.

Fav 214 12698 3823
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud

Fav 11 5255 1156
share tweet
(559): View more from California

can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.

Fav 16 6238 1306
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.

Fav 20 4212 936
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.

Fav 35 932 4098
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...

Fav 1 714 1399
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...

Fav 9 895 2055
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...

Fav 7 1820 766
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole

Fav 7 3173 1250
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now

Fav 7 2920 862
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.

Fav 8 900 1618
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house

Fav 5 1941 671
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?

(518): View more from New York

Its called bad cop laid cop.

Fav 9 4235 1021
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck

Fav 6 2786 809
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?

Fav 10 1919 794
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.

Fav 5 1899 943
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?

Fav 19 1440 803
share tweet
(276): View more from Virginia

your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.

Fav 7 1420 1028
share tweet
(361): View more from Texas

There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.

Fav 8 2045 762
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.

(1-313): View more from Michigan

That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.

Fav 7 832 1746
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?

Fav 6 2193 985
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Those were the highlights of my night.

Fav 8 2292 1027
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?

Fav 27 2698 7070
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.

Fav 13 2771 990
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation

Fav 12 2757 3523
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.

Fav 11 3029 1451
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you

Fav 3 3265 1884
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Is there a law against that?

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.

Fav 5 3756 1045
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?

Fav 6 3828 1009
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???

Fav 13 3965 1706
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

How was your Memorial Day?

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.

Fav 10 4088 955
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.

Fav 13 4076 1253
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me

Fav 6 4357 1272
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.

Fav 7 4454 1117
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..

Fav 9 4356 811
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...

Fav 11 4455 949
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

It usually does with you

Fav 6 4570 1273
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"

Fav 52 4938 1271
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.

Fav 10 5178 1212
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.

Fav 10 5356 1219
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.

Fav 21 5357 1360
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.

Fav 28 5403 1439
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.

Fav 86 5438 2425
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.

Fav 20 5719 1566
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge

Fav 7 5765 882
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.

Fav 9 6487 1280
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"

Fav 25 6231 857
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.

Fav 31 6416 1920
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off

Fav 39 7220 2489
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.

Fav 17 7811 1402
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are

Fav 22 7578 1483
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

(410): View more from Maryland

you are way too vulgar to be a girl

Fav 20 8744 1450
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.

(410): View more from Maryland

engineering majors are such efficient drunks.

Fav 22 8696 1390
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."

Fav 32 9912 1349
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

Who goes to Church hungover

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk

Fav 42 15402 1782
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

I regret nothing

Fav 12 2862 941
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex

Fav 23 6883 1476
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?

Fav 23 926 2203
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.

Fav 11 1767 5024
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.

Fav 27 5731 1239
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame

Fav 9 5292 1190
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.

(805): View more from California

What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.

Fav 6 3237 1154
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.

Fav 36 1230 4520
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.

Fav 32 1609 5541
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus

Fav 12 1404 1647
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.

Fav 5 1334 2065
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?

Fav 54 10581 1521
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.

Fav 17 4347 835
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Can you return condoms to CVS?

(516): View more from New York

Only if you return your pride as well.

Fav 32 982 3931
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.

Fav 11 2407 1081
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket

(617): View more from Massachusetts

I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you

Fav 3 2006 906
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.

(1-206): View more from Washington

Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.

(206): View more from Washington

Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.

Fav 11 2543 883
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.

Fav 8 1989 776
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.

Fav 3 1493 854
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.

Fav 4 2370 792
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?

Fav 8 1677 701
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.

Fav 7 3164 1075
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?

Fav 3 1950 797
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.

Fav 29 3853 1029
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?

Fav 10 1843 1094
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts

Fav 2 1280 679
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned

Fav 4 1013 842
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?

Fav 3 1797 840
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....

(774): View more from Massachusetts

HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance

Fav 4 2174 955
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever

Fav 3 875 1259
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.

Fav 12 6940 1202
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world

(1-631): View more from New York

It's like a tribute to you being a slut

Fav 4 2088 850
share tweet
(949): View more from California

You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!

Fav 9 4207 1026
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki

Fav 14 3235 1463
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid

Fav 48 8081 1086
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls

Fav 11 4265 1106
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.

Fav 87 4047 32256
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

Fav 85 4005 40868
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

Fav 355 8565 49741
share tweet
(848): View more from New Jersey

I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa

Fav 152 6795 58680
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..

Fav 121 5005 63835
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

Fav 225 8812 73988
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.

Fav 258 5717 81492
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

and?

(609): View more from New Jersey

RIP clitoris

Fav 599 6020 103455
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.

Fav 800 8590 112716
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.

Fav 3 1154 718
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once

Fav 52 5185 1505
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.

Fav 27 6751 881
share tweet
(831): View more from California

So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...

Fav 18 1764 7011
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number

Fav 20 6956 1435
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.

Fav 2 2280 825
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night

Fav 12 7455 1262
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.

Fav 14 5737 1176
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.

Fav 61 1190 6873
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.

Fav 11 1807 745
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.

Fav 16 5791 1559
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.

Fav 4 4240 981
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.

Fav 39 1346 5303
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".

Fav 8 3552 1078
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.

Fav 20 3805 957
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

How are ur friends?

(512): View more from Texas

One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car

Fav 4 1261 683
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.

Fav 4 737 1646
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.

Fav 8 2704 727
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I guess, just don't make it awkward

(603): View more from New Hampshire

MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY

Fav 10 982 1730
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.

Fav 4 1200 674
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.

(919): View more from North Carolina

It's a mixed blessing.

Fav 10 1865 696
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?

Fav 6 770 1674
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.

Fav 5 1762 747
share tweet
(580): View more from Oklahoma

That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.

Fav 4 1372 805
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.

Fav 25 3577 948
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.

Fav 23 1120 2267
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.

Fav 37 1533 6104
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.

Fav 14 4916 1662
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado

Fav 72 8113 1136
share tweet
(951): View more from California

better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???

Fav 14 6390 1109
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7

Fav 47 10218 881
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.

Fav 11 4163 837
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets

Fav 7 2425 1138
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair

Fav 17 1468 4900
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly

(1-208): View more from Idaho

What is a GED?

Fav 47 1331 10264
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Are you pooping in the stall next to me?

(404): View more from Georgia

Maybe....

(540): View more from Virginia

Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.

Fav 82 4783 5545
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.

Fav 22 907 4514
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.

Fav 32 1984 16440
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.

Fav 5 1297 1221
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.

Fav 10 1852 2987
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.

Fav 16 5838 1306
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.

Fav 1 837 1342
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.

Fav 11 2122 839
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.

(972): View more from Texas

Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.

Fav 23 3014 1040
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.

Fav 27 4343 1103
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way

Fav 9 1131 1659
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.

Fav 5 2382 925
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.

Fav 7 1783 1219
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,

Fav 14 1572 841
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane

Fav 18 1800 975
share tweet
(925): View more from California

We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts

Fav 7 1970 713
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

you have got to get your shit together

Fav 11 700 1763
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...

Fav 8 1049 2754
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.

Fav 9 975 1752
share tweet
(909): View more from California

I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.

Fav 4 1406 892
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.

Fav 6 1875 890
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night

Fav 8 4210 1228
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage

Fav 39 1481 13705
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.

Fav 12 1181 4460
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.

Fav 17 3856 1161
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.

(1-347): View more from New York

ofcourse you didnt.

Fav 6 4845 1252
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.

Fav 28 8298 1278
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.

Fav 3 1245 1979
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.

Fav 11 5832 1446
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is

(1-334): View more from Alabama

I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P

Fav 5 1363 940
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle

Fav 4 1958 707
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.

Fav 5 1161 770
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.

Fav 10 901 2233
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk

Fav 10 2283 1012
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

how are things with the new girl?

(917): View more from New York City

good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked

Fav 6 3457 1254
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.

(954): View more from Florida

It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.

Fav 7 1541 1006
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.

Fav 2 1095 789
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.

Fav 4 1975 729
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?

Fav 9 2163 1111
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?

Fav 6 1640 817
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.

Fav 4 2555 1000
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.

Fav 10 2006 1228
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.

Fav 4 1799 811
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.

Fav 3 1876 702
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.

Fav 8 1145 1464
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?

Fav 14 2892 1207
share tweet
(562): View more from California

So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.

Fav 17 954 2440
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.

Fav 1 2347 763
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.

Fav 3 1977 1206
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.

Fav 8 2453 1560
share tweet
(682): View more from Texas

He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl

Fav 2 1753 1327
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it

Fav 5 860 1959
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth

Fav 11 1612 924
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.

Fav 3 1414 757
share tweet
(567): View more from Ohio

I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.

Fav 6 1387 2030
share tweet
(530): View more from California

I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite

Fav 45 19952 1707
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.

(303): View more from Colorado

She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye

Fav 4 1656 815
share tweet
(415): View more from California

We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.

(916): View more from California

Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.

(415): View more from California

HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.

Fav 15 2105 1011
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad

Fav 32 2165 9261
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...

Fav 12 1200 3986
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.

Fav 27 3112 1003
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.

Fav 19 6830 1404
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill

Fav 8 2998 1370
share tweet
(916): View more from California

I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.

Fav 19 6967 982
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!

(301): View more from Maryland

OMG! Ew.

(240): View more from Maryland

Lucky Dad.

Fav 29 963 3068
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.

Fav 21 1456 4630
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day

Fav 8 2724 1002
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?

Fav 5 1423 1457
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.

Fav 6 1634 905
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?

Fav 7 1424 2832
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?

Fav 41 1201 3671
share tweet
(310): View more from California

The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.

Fav 19 6153 2026
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.

Fav 25 7003 1479
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?

(301): View more from Maryland

yes! wait why?

(240): View more from Maryland

because i found it in my pocket this morning...

Fav 39 11828 1203
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him

Fav 53 5723 1288
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.

Fav 32 14189 1424
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.

Fav 9 4095 1038
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?

Fav 15 2807 1424
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk

Fav 10 5113 864
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick

Fav 17 1431 10445
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.

Fav 35 1915 6913
share tweet
(510): View more from California

Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.

Fav 6 4872 1128
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?

(1-440): View more from Ohio

you should probably use water

(440): View more from Ohio

i dont have any

Fav 33 6305 1136
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around

Fav 14 2552 6339
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one

Fav 3 1728 730
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.

Fav 12 2921 917
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no

Fav 11 2182 769
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.

Fav 1 925 1350
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.

Fav 7 1658 893
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.

Fav 10 835 1781
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.

Fav 6 2616 1408
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing

Fav 10 2298 1613
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.

Fav 12 2299 1411
share tweet
(432): View more from Texas

3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.

(1-432): View more from Texas

Erry day erry day!

Fav 22 2794 1470
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving

Fav 28 1211 8339
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.

Fav 9 2722 787
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.

Fav 19 5094 1249
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.

Fav 38 13585 1851
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.

Fav 2 947 3373
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.

Fav 6 899 1797
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.

Fav 10 2804 968
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?

Fav 4 1062 1329
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.

Fav 5 1760 795
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"

Fav 5 2584 960
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.

Fav 5 1601 864
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS

Fav 34 11291 1741
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense

Fav 20 8401 1249
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.

Fav 10 4801 1158
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo

(918): View more from Oklahoma

Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought

Fav 33 1560 2430
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole

(425): View more from Washington

There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian

Fav 99 3053 24677
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.

Fav 10 3397 1278
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.

Fav 29 5702 2388
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.

Fav 41 3306 5123
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome

Fav 35 6037 2441
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets

Fav 17 5354 2021
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.

(740): View more from Ohio

i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..

Fav 37 5607 1445
share tweet
(650): View more from California

I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.

Fav 10 2791 1635
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?

(313): View more from Michigan

death...100% death...what r u planning.

Fav 9 1650 2112
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.

Fav 16 6339 1322
share tweet
(323): View more from California

Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.

Fav 22 7033 954
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.

Fav 10 3317 1135
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.

Fav 15 5695 1388
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.

Fav 13 5323 1532
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?

Fav 13 2886 1635
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.

Fav 14 1472 3528
share tweet
(818): View more from California

my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you

Fav 30 6316 1306
share tweet
(951): View more from California

Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.

Fav 9 2411 961
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight

Fav 14 2069 773
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.

Fav 4 3004 1115
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad

Fav 9 4305 1667
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.

Fav 57 5035 1661
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah, that was you

Fav 7 3235 1213
share tweet
(769): View more from Mississippi

she said she likes her vagina punished

(1-769): View more from Mississippi

being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough

Fav 36 2206 7518
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.

Fav 41 9787 1884
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?

(770): View more from Georgia

Nope, his last birthday was.

Fav 5 2376 885
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.

Fav 9 1198 2771
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom

Fav 3 2164 831
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.

Fav 24 1069 4359
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"

Fav 7 5436 1213
share tweet
(435): View more from Utah

When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics

Fav 13 4201 1243
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

where the hell would u of bought a deer

Fav 9 3217 1093
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)

(540): View more from Virginia

awesome babe! drinks tonight!

(703): View more from Virginia

Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.

Fav 12 1126 3263
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?

Fav 20 1230 2995
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.

Fav 2 2215 1572
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.

Fav 4 2693 791
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.

Fav 5 2174 817
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.

Fav 8 1416 5623
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?

Fav 22 4963 1465
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

(949): View more from California

I gave it to your brother to give to you.

Fav 57 14526 5762
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle

(859): View more from Kentucky

Guys should not giggle. Ever.

Fav 22 3362 1004
share tweet
(707): View more from California

Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.

Fav 6 3683 909
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often

Fav 14 1944 875
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.

Fav 7 1600 1035
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!

Fav 3 937 1296
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.

Fav 8 1720 1022
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.

Fav 3 663 1556
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.

(1-985): View more from Louisiana

Do I have a choice?

(985): View more from Louisiana

I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.

Fav 13 3202 973
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.

(732): View more from New Jersey

Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.

Fav 6 2388 912
share tweet
(226): View more from Ontario

Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?

(226): View more from Ontario

Don't answer that. It is bad.

Fav 5 1506 1098
share tweet
(714): View more from California

he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now

Fav 12 2620 895
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.

(1-806): View more from Texas

It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.

Fav 13 2333 1174
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in

Fav 17 1058 1844
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.

Fav 26 6253 1399
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks

Fav 13 6231 1208
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again

Fav 1 1821 742
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.

Fav 4 3991 1088
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.

Fav 8 3506 1243
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.

Fav 37 1421 9628
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.

Fav 73 1068 13463
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.

Fav 6 2524 1101
share tweet
(619): View more from California

My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.

Fav 21 15219 1740
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.

Fav 79 2281 7321
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.

(360): View more from Washington

im coming over.

Fav 8 3982 854
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.

Fav 20 1398 1008
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery

Fav 6 2409 1665
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher

(312): View more from Illinois

And maybe a life coach?

Fav 2 2426 968
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.

Fav 21 3547 1123
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.

Fav 7 3019 1003
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out

Fav 25 4008 1759
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.

Fav 11 1232 5295
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.

Fav 3 4782 1074
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.

Fav 45 8022 1084
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.

Fav 75 5616 899
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.

Fav 21 6671 1270
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.

Fav 5 3547 847
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.

Fav 6 4741 1031
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"

Fav 29 9117 1317
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....

Fav 7 821 1813
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge

Fav 15 3221 966
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Brilliant thought; pill pong.

(651): View more from Minnesota

What could go wrong?

Fav 12 1155 1439
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.

Fav 5 1821 777
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.

Fav 7 820 1263
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.

Fav 2 1788 819
share tweet
(415): View more from California

I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.

Fav 13 1034 1914
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.

Fav 14 1310 3647
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.

Fav 28 3399 1546
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.

Fav 4 1388 743
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.

Fav 7 2441 754
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.

Fav 5 2626 1044
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2

Fav 5 2406 857
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.

Fav 4 852 1277
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die

Fav 4 1712 854
share tweet
(909): View more from California

so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.

(1-909): View more from California

I worship thee.

Fav 54 8664 1606
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.

Fav 14 1556 5099
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.

Fav 9 7737 1439
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?

Fav 10 890 2841
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.

Fav 45 5546 828
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.

Fav 11 2323 886
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

why is my forehead so bruised?

(1+61): View more from

i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.

Fav 6 2657 1020
share tweet
(420): View more from

I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.

Fav 5 3283 1023
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?

(541): View more from Oregon

It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.

Fav 15 1114 2789
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.

Fav 27 2312 3767
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos

Fav 9 2934 1152
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.

Fav 16 1289 2946
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.

Fav 15 1264 4373
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.

Fav 16 8750 1374
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.

Fav 15 5924 811
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.

Fav 7 3047 932
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.

Fav 6 1046 1432
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge

Fav 13 3753 845
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar

(651): View more from Minnesota

If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either

Fav 24 958 4305
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk

Fav 13 1170 4200
share tweet
(424): View more from California

The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.

Fav 6 1122 1874
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep

Fav 11 2083 1314
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.

Fav 7 2475 1060
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.

Fav 7 3156 1733
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?

Fav 30 3261 3896
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.

Fav 7 4245 1098
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.

Fav 11 6651 1379
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position

Fav 34 15913 1561
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.

Fav 76 16156 1633
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.

Fav 35 16093 1272
share tweet
(445): View more from Pennsylvania

We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off

Fav 53 16176 1319
share tweet
(209): View more from California

dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity

(1-209): View more from California

nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all

Fav 45 16139 2232
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

Fav 17 16526 1701
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.

Fav 31 16168 1311
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

Fav 56 16891 1911
share tweet
(619): View more from California

you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog

(716): View more from New York

do you not see the irony in that??

Fav 73 16812 1657
share tweet
(707): View more from California

My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."

Fav 52 16747 2241
share tweet
(310): View more from California

i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.

Fav 40 16637 2640
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

Fav 39 16944 1858
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.

Fav 27 16988 1527
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special

Fav 63 16735 2266
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

Fav 40 17274 2677
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.

Fav 96 17332 1817
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.

Fav 81 17405 3209
share tweet
(916): View more from California

my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

Fav 44 17640 1901
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

(404): View more from Georgia

You mean bread?

Fav 60 17837 1906
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?

Fav 32 17990 1844
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.

Fav 57 17724 1661
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.

Fav 52 18005 1705
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?

Fav 67 17830 2410
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

Fav 26 18309 1756
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause

Fav 65 18031 1278
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.

(1-931): View more from Tennessee

Wtf? What happened?

(931): View more from Tennessee

Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.

Fav 42 18333 1444
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.

Fav 83 18221 2405
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him

Fav 144 18333 3510
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

Fav 30 19142 1551
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?

Fav 72 18827 3096
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.

Fav 74 18248 1905
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?

Fav 85 18519 1717
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"

Fav 51 18396 1738
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.

Fav 105 18410 1414
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

Fav 74 19052 1435
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

Fav 34 19332 1853
share tweet
(626): View more from California

Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.

Fav 24 18757 1367
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!

Fav 81 18534 1321
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.

Fav 34 18591 1208
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Walk of Shame time yet?

(1+44): View more from

Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?

Fav 44 19709 2143
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg

Fav 65 19223 1733
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

Fav 37 19432 1705
share tweet
(905): View more from Toronto

Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..

(1-905): View more from Toronto

With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.

Fav 34 20580 2710
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.

Fav 37 20298 1343
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

Fav 50 20775 2680
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

Fav 31 20934 1954
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

Fav 141 20465 2852
share tweet
(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

Fav 65 21684 2537
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

(1-212): View more from New York

this is Aaron, hi

Fav 48 21449 2739
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?

Fav 72 21717 4259
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.

Fav 41 21785 1543
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

Fav 36 22409 3677
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.

Fav 76 22869 3317
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.

Fav 84 23166 1466
share tweet
(916): View more from California

So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?

Fav 114 25312 1359
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers

Fav 15 25465 1418
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+

Fav 91 25819 1524
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

Fav 34 26486 2347
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

Fav 45 26629 1760
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me

Fav 75 26730 2054
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?

Fav 57 27180 2144
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

Fav 98 28633 2414
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

Fav 65 29371 2498
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.

Fav 69 28520 2186
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina

Fav 93 28824 1492
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.

Fav 77 28628 2259
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.

Fav 40 29367 1552
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

Fav 48 29820 1504
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?

(540): View more from Virginia

you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.

Fav 43 29391 1935
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

Fav 56 31648 2127
share tweet
(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

Fav 107 32823 1974
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.

Fav 166 32928 2483
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

How do you jack off and text at the same time?

(1-281): View more from Texas

On my iPhone they have an app for that

Fav 84 32218 2439
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

Fav 110 34540 1817
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

Fav 29 34808 1713
share tweet
(831): View more from California

theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it

Fav 216 35066 2918
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

Fav 180 38253 5878
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

Fav 41 39278 2240
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

Fav 111 40362 3924
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

Fav 69 39786 2523
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

(910): View more from North Carolina

IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

Fav 83 41216 2672
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

Fav 98 42077 2247
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

Fav 125 44237 1934
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

Fav 134 45578 2413
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.

Fav 139 45452 10186
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

Fav 125 48822 2421
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

Fav 111 47667 3211
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

Fav 50 49690 1932
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

Fav 48 49304 2811
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

Fav 83 51208 2739
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

Fav 79 54006 2792
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

Fav 362 61939 8169
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

Fav 131 63487 2873
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

Fav 209 64412 3036
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

Fav 290 63940 5489
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

Fav 116 67828 4684
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

Fav 249 68662 3916
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

Fav 54 75095 3010
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

Fav 202 82800 5241
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

Fav 206 89716 8272
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

Fav 445 115821 11197
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

Fav 204 120247 4356
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

Fav 127 131162 3913
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

Fav 388 131995 5198
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

Fav 534 137226 6911
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

Fav 842 146094 10747
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...

Fav 5 1391 764
share tweet
(892): View more from

YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!

(314): View more from Missouri

Only one tier

(314): View more from Missouri

Tastes like cardboard anyway

Fav 1 1628 1735
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.

(404): View more from Georgia

Everyone is cheering

Fav 4 2299 1018
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...

Fav 3 1177 1023
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?

Fav 12 2492 764
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!

Fav 1 1735 751
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.

Fav 16 3273 1148
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.

Fav 3 2036 817
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"

Fav 5 2912 848
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms

Fav 14 2068 933
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

Fav 11 9278 2425
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night

Fav 13 1915 4748
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??

Fav 74 957 3544
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.

Fav 11 1393 2812
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms

Fav 5 2208 936
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly

Fav 19 1754 5886
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"

Fav 23 6551 1034
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.

Fav 18 8381 1448
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel

Fav 6 2807 891
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level

Fav 3 1949 4338
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...

Fav 5 4844 1153
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.

(1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

Your godly.

Fav 13 4492 1435
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.

Fav 53 6266 1193
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.

Fav 2 1794 938
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga

Fav 29 13800 1450
share tweet
(818): View more from California

my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.

Fav 24 4012 881
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.

Fav 2 2968 1028
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.

Fav 10 5845 1038
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.

Fav 65 1161 17219
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar

Fav 6 3209 1061
share tweet
(858): View more from California

Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts

Fav 17 7129 1293
share tweet
(909): View more from California

Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?

Fav 8 4275 1676
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

Fav 17 10942 1587
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.

Fav 21 1228 6974
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

He sprained his penis one time

(603): View more from New Hampshire

He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis

Fav 21 869 2506
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.

Fav 17 2948 1115
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.

Fav 7 3103 1283
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.

Fav 34 1213 3251
share tweet
(529): View more from

Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.

Fav 10 925 1858
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...

Fav 35 5170 2350
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?

(1-920): View more from Wisconsin

no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?

(920): View more from Wisconsin

he wasn't. neither were you.

Fav 16 7485 1556
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.

Fav 8 742 1792
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.

Fav 8 2382 829
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no

Fav 3 2656 880
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

What goes on in that head of yours?

(206): View more from Washington

Gay sex, for the most part. Why?

Fav 7 2595 1138
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

I think we should measure in "bathtubs"

Fav 3 1633 731
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.

Fav 9 1336 1720
share tweet
(707): View more from California

do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me

Fav 15 2146 852
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....

(615): View more from Tennessee

Lesbians are weird.

Fav 4 1965 896
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?

Fav 4 1566 671
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!

Fav 1 910 1546
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love

Fav 10 3898 934
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

He was the only guy who ever made me cry..

(1-330): View more from Ohio

Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?

Fav 2 2589 899
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.

Fav 6 2541 1061
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night

Fav 5 3050 760
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.

(708): View more from Illinois

Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.

Fav 3 2953 826
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.

Fav 4 2266 1016
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.

Fav 7 1534 755
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?

Fav 8 3150 876
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.

Fav 5 932 1360
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.

Fav 5 2816 897
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.

Fav 18 2575 1213
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange

Fav 10 3668 959
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.

Fav 2 1959 756
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.

Fav 3 1293 695
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.

Fav 12 1370 805
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.

Fav 6 1973 750
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot

Fav 5 1750 823
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.

Fav 3 1712 870
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.

Fav 23 2574 1250
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.

Fav 5 1226 1555
share tweet
(310): View more from California

What's the address?

(626): View more from California

Too drunk. Just google it.

(310): View more from California

IT'S YOUR HOUSE

Fav 5 3443 1008
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...

Fav 9 4216 1124
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.

Fav 3 1357 786
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"

(1-775): View more from Nevada

At least you got your shooes

Fav 7 2118 931
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents

Fav 9 2194 1018
share tweet