Texts From Last Night · Low

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Low_Rye's Favorites Texts:

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(252): View more from North Carolina

We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground

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(847): View more from Illinois

it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...

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(765): View more from Indiana

You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.

(574): View more from Indiana

No I didn't. Whiskey did.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day

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(850): View more from Florida

You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.

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(229): View more from Georgia

I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.

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(407): View more from Florida

I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.

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(210): View more from Texas

IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.

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(229): View more from Georgia

Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook

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(805): View more from California

how many dildos make it a "collection?"

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(914): View more from New York

Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.

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(845): View more from New York

We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."

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(+61): View more from Australia

Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.

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(951): View more from California

Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?

(951): View more from California

...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?

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(415): View more from California

I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station

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(850): View more from Florida

If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.

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(972): View more from Texas

I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.

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(760): View more from California

don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.

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(540): View more from Virginia

He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note

(1+44): View more from

Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!

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(410): View more from Maryland

Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea

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(417): View more from Missouri

You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make

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(317): View more from Indiana

Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed

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(309): View more from Illinois

I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch

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(843): View more from South Carolina

What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.

(847): View more from Illinois

I don't even know what to say right now

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(636): View more from Missouri

I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.

(636): View more from Missouri

I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.

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(561): View more from Florida

Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.

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(616): View more from Michigan

i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.

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(224): View more from Illinois

Stop whining I left you with whiskey

(224): View more from Illinois

YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.

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(607): View more from New York

I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.

(1-607): View more from New York

Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".

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(440): View more from Ohio

Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.

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(206): View more from Washington

I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.

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(631): View more from New York

I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication

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(218): View more from Minnesota

He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity

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(613): View more from Ontario

He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...

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(613): View more from Ontario

Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?

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(631): View more from New York

Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.

(1-631): View more from New York

I love your life.

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(530): View more from California

We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.

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(435): View more from Utah

some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.

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(607): View more from New York

Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

I will rub McFlurries all over you.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.

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(253): View more from Washington

He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know

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(319): View more from Iowa

I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!

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(773): View more from Illinois

I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.

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(703): View more from Virginia

You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...

(410): View more from Maryland

I didn't know

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.

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(607): View more from New York

Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.

(426): View more from

So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.

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(619): View more from California

My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.

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(940): View more from Texas

Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?

(940): View more from Texas

Is this a story I am going to hate you for?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex

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(520): View more from Arizona

This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.

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(432): View more from Texas

She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.

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(660): View more from Missouri

The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment

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(740): View more from Ohio

Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.

(1-740): View more from Ohio

When in doubt always reply with bacon.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?

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(519): View more from Ontario

My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.

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(713): View more from Texas

Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.

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(212): View more from New York

Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"

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(845): View more from New York

Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.

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(360): View more from Washington

She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.

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(541): View more from Oregon

So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"

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(985): View more from Louisiana

You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.

(896): View more from

That actually is really sweet of you

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship

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(563): View more from Iowa

This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA

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(773): View more from Illinois

Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself

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(301): View more from Maryland

FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.

(727): View more from Florida

MAS TEQUILA.

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(214): View more from Texas

I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it

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(269): View more from Michigan

"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken

(269): View more from Michigan

"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.

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(205): View more from Alabama

It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.

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(450): View more from Quebec

I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.

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(425): View more from Washington

So that wine I told you about is vile...

(360): View more from Washington

That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?

(425): View more from Washington

Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.

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(509): View more from Washington

He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.

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(323): View more from California

Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.

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(914): View more from New York

Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.

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(407): View more from Florida

he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...

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(520): View more from Arizona

Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.

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(+61): View more from Australia

You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.

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(613): View more from Ontario

She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"

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(914): View more from New York

Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.

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(847): View more from Illinois

And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.

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(614): View more from Ohio

The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you

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(207): View more from Maine

It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.

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(210): View more from Texas

It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here

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(520): View more from Arizona

Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?

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(928): View more from Arizona

So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair

(501): View more from Arkansas

Strong work

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(914): View more from New York

Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.

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(515): View more from Iowa

We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?

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(951): View more from California

omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited

(951): View more from California

dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles

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(207): View more from Maine

Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!

(910): View more from North Carolina

I THINK I SHARTED

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(905): View more from Ontario

they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"

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(714): View more from California

When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.

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(313): View more from Michigan

At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.

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(443): View more from Maryland

i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.

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(917): View more from New York City

bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.

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(585): View more from New York

The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.

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(720): View more from Colorado

So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...

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(541): View more from Oregon

Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..

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(602): View more from Arizona

I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.

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(636): View more from Missouri

We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?

(913): View more from Kansas

I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH

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(424): View more from California

Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."

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(407): View more from Florida

Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"

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(803): View more from South Carolina

thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...

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(647): View more from Ontario

I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem

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(719): View more from Colorado

I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"

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(979): View more from Texas

A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.

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(+61): View more from Australia

it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.

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(720): View more from Colorado

i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea

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(574): View more from Indiana

I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.

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(541): View more from Oregon

And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"

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(512): View more from Texas

With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.

(330): View more from Ohio

Dude what the fuck...

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(404): View more from Georgia

And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?

(1-404): View more from Georgia

So the keyword here is "hammered"?

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(703): View more from Virginia

You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window

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(850): View more from Florida

I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.

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(916): View more from California

She said she liked strap-ons.

(1-916): View more from California

SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!

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(416): View more from Toronto

They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water

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(818): View more from California

Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20

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(310): View more from California

My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"

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(419): View more from Ohio

When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.

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(940): View more from Texas

You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?

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(954): View more from Florida

and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner

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(248): View more from Michigan

What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central

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(972): View more from Texas

The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

What if our hands were octopus tentacles?

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

You're an idiot.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club

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(925): View more from California

It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine

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(254): View more from Texas

Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"

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(425): View more from Washington

Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began

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(209): View more from California

I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.

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(541): View more from Oregon

It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.

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(530): View more from California

I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP

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(559): View more from California

We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying

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(775): View more from Nevada

The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me

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(630): View more from Illinois

We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.

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(415): View more from California

I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio

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(075): View more from

thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.

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(817): View more from Texas

Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.

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(626): View more from California

While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship

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(303): View more from Colorado

ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?

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(607): View more from New York

Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!

(315): View more from New York

I get naked cuz your not there

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(212): View more from New York

Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies

(1-303): View more from Colorado

You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?

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(601): View more from Mississippi

When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.

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(616): View more from Michigan

What changed your mind?

(1-616): View more from Michigan

Being sober

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(540): View more from Virginia

Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.

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(207): View more from Maine

he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else

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(714): View more from California

Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Did I change midway through last night?

(206): View more from Washington

Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking

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(904): View more from Florida

He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".

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(818): View more from California

My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.

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(972): View more from Texas

We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".

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(307): View more from Wyoming

all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.

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(407): View more from Florida

And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.

(503): View more from Oregon

Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.

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(518): View more from New York

Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge

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(845): View more from New York

Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12

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(805): View more from California

Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

By a pack of ravenous dildos

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.

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(520): View more from Arizona

I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm pregnant.

(1-407): View more from Florida

The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???

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(301): View more from Maryland

Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night

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(443): View more from Maryland

No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..

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(402): View more from Nebraska

We're going to catch a squirrel this summer

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess

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(914): View more from New York

Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.

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(916): View more from California

Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable

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(804): View more from Virginia

I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for

(804): View more from Virginia

Oh my god she just threw up on her dog

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(785): View more from Kansas

if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.

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(530): View more from California

That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.

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(509): View more from Washington

threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again

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(302): View more from Delaware

You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.

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(949): View more from California

So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?

(770): View more from Georgia

Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.

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(469): View more from Texas

Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless

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(831): View more from California

Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.

(778): View more from British Columbia

Feel free to use me as a reference.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed

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(334): View more from Alabama

You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.

(205): View more from Alabama

Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.

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(914): View more from New York

He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.

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(914): View more from New York

he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.

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(214): View more from Texas

So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.

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(303): View more from Colorado

exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina

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(716): View more from New York

Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?

(585): View more from New York

Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.

(716): View more from New York

.......

(585): View more from New York

I'm just looking out for you.

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(209): View more from California

Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.

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(210): View more from Texas

Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.

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(812): View more from Indiana

They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.

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(516): View more from New York

You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito

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(360): View more from Washington

Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.

(360): View more from Washington

It was me.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?

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(650): View more from California

At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.

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(770): View more from Georgia

She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!

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(731): View more from Tennessee

He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.

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(+61): View more from Australia

It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.

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(817): View more from Texas

Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.

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(616): View more from Michigan

EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?

(301): View more from Maryland

just fucking run.

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(360): View more from Washington

do we own a ladder

(206): View more from Washington

We do not.

(360): View more from Washington

then how am i on the roof

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(443): View more from Maryland

Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.

(410): View more from Maryland

The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.

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(770): View more from Georgia

You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."

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(310): View more from California

Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...

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(314): View more from Missouri

Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.

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(420): View more from

Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.

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(360): View more from Washington

Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking

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(443): View more from Maryland

I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.

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(323): View more from California

I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward

(213): View more from California

There's a lil minaj in everyone

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(692): View more from

I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"

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(248): View more from Michigan

Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup

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(805): View more from California

WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts

(805): View more from California

YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts are serious business

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(276): View more from Virginia

That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.

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(801): View more from Utah

After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.

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(206): View more from Washington

I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.

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(937): View more from Ohio

My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.

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(253): View more from Washington

don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap

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(773): View more from Illinois

Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.

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(772): View more from Florida

Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting

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(703): View more from Virginia

Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.

(571): View more from Virginia

I'd say they're off to a great start!

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(248): View more from Michigan

she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant

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(661): View more from California

Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!

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(520): View more from Arizona

I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.

(520): View more from Arizona

Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.

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(519): View more from Ontario

My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!

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(623): View more from Arizona

Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.

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(845): View more from New York

Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person

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(209): View more from California

I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?

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(301): View more from Maryland

I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand

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(208): View more from Idaho

And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?

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(213): View more from California

Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.

(1-213): View more from California

best text I've received ever.

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(512): View more from Texas

I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone

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(252): View more from North Carolina

i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.

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(435): View more from Utah

Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.

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(212): View more from New York

The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up

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(518): View more from New York

He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.

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(818): View more from California

The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?

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(915): View more from Texas

Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.

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(925): View more from California

I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched

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(407): View more from Florida

Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...

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(804): View more from Virginia

I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.

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(702): View more from Nevada

i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!

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(440): View more from Ohio

So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.

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(850): View more from Florida

I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.

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(775): View more from Nevada

A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night

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(716): View more from New York

and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt

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(706): View more from Georgia

I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.

(908): View more from New Jersey

Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!

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(703): View more from Virginia

We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to

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(678): View more from Georgia

He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.

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(+61): View more from Australia

The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero

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(347): View more from New York

Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.

(718): View more from New York

Truth. Respect the hustle.

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(940): View more from Texas

I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast

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(310): View more from California

It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.

(415): View more from California

That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.

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(512): View more from Texas

Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon

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(714): View more from California

What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.

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(248): View more from Michigan

He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react

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(309): View more from Illinois

he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'

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(517): View more from Michigan

This baby is an asshole

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.

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(646): View more from New York

Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.

(347): View more from New York

Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!

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(661): View more from California

ive cried into many a lonely burritos..

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(704): View more from North Carolina

There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.

(904): View more from Florida

And you say you're not good with numbers...

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up

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(315): View more from New York

If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".

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(904): View more from Florida

just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.

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(248): View more from Michigan

My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.

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(563): View more from Iowa

i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage

(608): View more from Wisconsin

HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy

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(702): View more from Nevada

Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.

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(281): View more from Texas

I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.

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(970): View more from Colorado

bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.

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(561): View more from Florida

The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...

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(503): View more from Oregon

I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took

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(916): View more from California

Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties

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(406): View more from Montana

All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM

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(512): View more from Texas

In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.

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(801): View more from Utah

The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.

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(541): View more from Oregon

They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.

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(913): View more from Kansas

To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!

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(573): View more from Missouri

So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40

(417): View more from Missouri

I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers

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(713): View more from Texas

just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!

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(616): View more from Michigan

Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"

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(517): View more from Michigan

I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.

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(407): View more from Florida

I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.

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(512): View more from Texas

I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.

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(416): View more from Toronto

no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.

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(817): View more from Texas

You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL

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(406): View more from Montana

I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina

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(816): View more from Missouri

Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time

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(909): View more from California

We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.

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(850): View more from Florida

Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".

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(714): View more from California

After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.

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(760): View more from California

I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.

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(858): View more from California

WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.

(760): View more from California

You're High aren't you?

(858): View more from California

Sooooo high

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(972): View more from Texas

I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?

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(950): View more from

The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.

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(248): View more from Michigan

She's the worst person, but the best naked person

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.

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(817): View more from Texas

I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.

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(224): View more from Illinois

Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?

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(917): View more from New York City

You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.

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(937): View more from Ohio

They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night

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(845): View more from New York

Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied

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(415): View more from California

Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?

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(917): View more from New York City

I am lonely and I want to touch your beard

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?

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(916): View more from California

Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker

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(+61): View more from Australia

You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.

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(818): View more from California

It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere

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(907): View more from Alaska

This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.

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(734): View more from Michigan

WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

How bad is the voicemail?

(1-864): View more from South Carolina

You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.

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(740): View more from Ohio

do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.

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(512): View more from Texas

I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted

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(478): View more from Georgia

We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!

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(801): View more from Utah

If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke

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(513): View more from Ohio

Lets just say I chased with a burrito.

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(641): View more from Iowa

Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.

(844): View more from

Oh its going to be that type of weekend?

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(804): View more from Virginia

We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.

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(540): View more from Virginia

So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...

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(423): View more from Tennessee

animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

breakfast of champions

(423): View more from Tennessee

breakfast of stoners

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(636): View more from Missouri

Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.

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(323): View more from California

He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible

(310): View more from California

well did you say yes?

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(616): View more from Michigan

Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign

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(816): View more from Missouri

We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.

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(949): View more from California

Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab

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(317): View more from Indiana

Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man

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(407): View more from Florida

Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.

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(516): View more from New York

is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?

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(319): View more from Iowa

Let's drink?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.

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(210): View more from Texas

Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.

(936): View more from Texas

As you should.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.

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(818): View more from California

So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth

(323): View more from California

Gross

(818): View more from California

AN ACTUAL PICKLE

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(+61): View more from Australia

It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever

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(646): View more from New York

In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming

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(631): View more from New York

did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?

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(845): View more from New York

You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"

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(904): View more from Florida

Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.

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(585): View more from New York

Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20

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(078): View more from

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.

(720): View more from Colorado

When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?

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(806): View more from Texas

Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap

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(309): View more from Illinois

he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel

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(315): View more from New York

My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.

(1-315): View more from New York

I fucking hate you.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.

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(956): View more from Texas

Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?

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(989): View more from Michigan

apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm on the struggle bus

(847): View more from Illinois

just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers

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(562): View more from California

I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you

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(302): View more from Delaware

I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment

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(423): View more from Tennessee

and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that

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(310): View more from California

She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL

(310): View more from California

so no, not her best night

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(303): View more from Colorado

I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.

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(810): View more from Michigan

if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch

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(207): View more from Maine

I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone

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(210): View more from Texas

I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...

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(360): View more from Washington

I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!

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(323): View more from California

I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.

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(602): View more from Arizona

hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse

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(541): View more from Oregon

they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.

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(734): View more from Michigan

In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.

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(678): View more from Georgia

You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'

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(216): View more from Ohio

every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.

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(620): View more from Kansas

We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

How external is "for external use only"?

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(303): View more from Colorado

They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.

(336): View more from North Carolina

Did it work?

(918): View more from Oklahoma

Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.

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(303): View more from Colorado

accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...

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(314): View more from Missouri

He's only going to be gone for two weeks

(1-314): View more from Missouri

That's two months in gay whore years.

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(310): View more from California

Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself

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(845): View more from New York

You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down

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(216): View more from Ohio

Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.

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(916): View more from California

I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex

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(614): View more from Ohio

Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?

(1-614): View more from Ohio

Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.

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(614): View more from Ohio

We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg

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(209): View more from California

She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.

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(707): View more from California

I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs

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(310): View more from California

He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.

(250): View more from British Columbia

Not my cup of tea

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(647): View more from Ontario

well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer

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(912): View more from Georgia

That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain

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(641): View more from Iowa

Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well

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(310): View more from California

Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.

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(365): View more from

As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.

(1-365): View more from

I was judging you.

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(917): View more from New York City

I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.

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(254): View more from Texas

He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.

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(303): View more from Colorado

He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.

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(626): View more from California

I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

Ooooh. Get funfetti

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.

(785): View more from Kansas

When were you at my house?

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(360): View more from Washington

He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn

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(260): View more from Indiana

Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.

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(813): View more from Florida

The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.

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(845): View more from New York

Make me a sandwich

(301): View more from Maryland

The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear

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(842): View more from

we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!

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(240): View more from Maryland

She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.

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(419): View more from Ohio

we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit

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(802): View more from Vermont

laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?

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(706): View more from Georgia

Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.

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(512): View more from Texas

She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?

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(310): View more from California

I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.

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(512): View more from Texas

I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.

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(714): View more from California

You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.

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(509): View more from Washington

I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.

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(631): View more from New York

So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag

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(217): View more from Illinois

getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am

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(815): View more from Illinois

This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!

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(303): View more from Colorado

nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ

(1-303): View more from Colorado

he is risen halelujah

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.

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(512): View more from Texas

scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!

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(906): View more from Michigan

Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.

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(801): View more from Utah

After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road

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(313): View more from Michigan

I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?

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(340): View more from US Virgin Islands

I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS

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(303): View more from Colorado

doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever

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(516): View more from New York

My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air

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(303): View more from Colorado

well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair

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(312): View more from Illinois

my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving

(301): View more from Maryland

He didn't think we needed a taxi

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(301): View more from Maryland

sorry

(304): View more from West Virginia

why?

(301): View more from Maryland

oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?

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(425): View more from Washington

Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.

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(348): View more from

I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say

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(865): View more from Tennessee

We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.

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(813): View more from Florida

Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!

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(865): View more from Tennessee

At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer

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(914): View more from New York

He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List

(914): View more from New York

Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?

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(720): View more from Colorado

I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid

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(647): View more from Ontario

I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.

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(614): View more from Ohio

you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical

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(636): View more from Missouri

You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.

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(229): View more from Georgia

He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...

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(406): View more from Montana

Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"

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(225): View more from Louisiana

If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.

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(913): View more from Kansas

He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.

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(208): View more from Idaho

You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin

(774): View more from Massachusetts

He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying

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(732): View more from New Jersey

When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.

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(417): View more from Missouri

It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.

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(415): View more from California

STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..

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(765): View more from Indiana

I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no

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(206): View more from Washington

I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"

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(613): View more from Ontario

We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."

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(979): View more from Texas

Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.

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(631): View more from New York

he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing

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(720): View more from Colorado

I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.

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(434): View more from Virginia

I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

he's gonorrhea incarnate

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(914): View more from New York

Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.

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(254): View more from Texas

Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.

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(562): View more from California

So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.

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(631): View more from New York

If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk

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(919): View more from North Carolina

My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.

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(214): View more from Texas

Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.

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(314): View more from Missouri

No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm hungry

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.

(1-701): View more from North Dakota

Are you high?

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(218): View more from Minnesota

No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?

(919): View more from North Carolina

You might end up in the wrong class.

(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.

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(914): View more from New York

So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?

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(916): View more from California

I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.

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(514): View more from Quebec

He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"

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(802): View more from Vermont

shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME

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(281): View more from Texas

And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.

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(785): View more from Kansas

God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.

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(970): View more from Colorado

You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

DOWN HORMONES. BACK.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.

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(817): View more from Texas

I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children

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(972): View more from Texas

Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.

(732): View more from New Jersey

Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.

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(226): View more from Ontario

Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?

(226): View more from Ontario

Don't answer that. It is bad.

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(806): View more from Texas

It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.

(1-806): View more from Texas

It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Brilliant thought; pill pong.

(651): View more from Minnesota

What could go wrong?

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(614): View more from Ohio

I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?

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(469): View more from Texas

I can feel my moral fiber fraying.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird

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(914): View more from New York

If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.

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(415): View more from California

I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.

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(518): View more from New York

We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America

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(719): View more from Colorado

That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case

(573): View more from Missouri

WTF.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.

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(256): View more from Alabama

OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Found the puke drawer

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(336): View more from North Carolina

He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2

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(415): View more from California

Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die

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(303): View more from Colorado

There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Agreed.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.

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(406): View more from Montana

Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...

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(515): View more from Iowa

This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist

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(540): View more from Virginia

I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.

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(740): View more from Ohio

My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them

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(631): View more from New York

I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"

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(206): View more from Washington

When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.

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(419): View more from Ohio

WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.

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(716): View more from New York

You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness

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(914): View more from New York

All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy

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(480): View more from Arizona

He was uncircumcised

(480): View more from Arizona

It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis

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(254): View more from Texas

Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.

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(206): View more from Washington

I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.

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(765): View more from Indiana

The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange

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(630): View more from Illinois

Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave

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(909): View more from California

If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.

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(513): View more from Ohio

trapped on the roof of the strip club. help

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(619): View more from California

Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.

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(44): View more from United Kingdom

You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.

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(360): View more from Washington

I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"

(425): View more from Washington

I want to be you.

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(892): View more from

YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!

(314): View more from Missouri

Only one tier

(314): View more from Missouri

Tastes like cardboard anyway

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.

(404): View more from Georgia

Everyone is cheering

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(858): View more from California

I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?

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(647): View more from Ontario

bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...

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(243): View more from

We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?

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(407): View more from Florida

There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.

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(727): View more from Florida

it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"

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(651): View more from Minnesota

You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.

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(208): View more from Idaho

She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....

(615): View more from Tennessee

Lesbians are weird.

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(618): View more from Illinois

College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.

(1-618): View more from Illinois

This is true but you can't really get fired from college

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(310): View more from California

What's the address?

(626): View more from California

Too drunk. Just google it.

(310): View more from California

IT'S YOUR HOUSE

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(863): View more from Florida

my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.

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(714): View more from California

you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"

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(847): View more from Illinois

Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.

(314): View more from Missouri

Come down off the roof.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.

(1-704): View more from North Carolina

im still drunk. birthday week begins.

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(714): View more from California

Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.

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(214): View more from Texas

I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair

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(540): View more from Virginia

I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica

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(248): View more from Michigan

It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.

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(410): View more from Maryland

You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip

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(260): View more from Indiana

DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER

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(954): View more from Florida

damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian

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(309): View more from Illinois

she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.

(708): View more from Illinois

Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

he was once again the drunkest girl at the party

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(714): View more from California

Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.

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(217): View more from Illinois

his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs

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(802): View more from Vermont

Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents

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(415): View more from California

my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night

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(541): View more from Oregon

I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"

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(254): View more from Texas

I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.

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(623): View more from Arizona

He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon

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(775): View more from Nevada

True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.

(1-775): View more from Nevada

That was beautiful.

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(602): View more from Arizona

She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob

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(314): View more from Missouri

he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.

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(407): View more from Florida

Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night

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(917): View more from New York City

hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people

(763): View more from Minnesota

and u failed math?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.

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(707): View more from California

do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

This is love.

(860): View more from Connecticut

Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?

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(650): View more from California

Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america

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(718): View more from New York

He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!

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(914): View more from New York

Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.

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(801): View more from Utah

Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.

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(343): View more from Ontario

Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?

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(425): View more from Washington

What goes on in that head of yours?

(206): View more from Washington

Gay sex, for the most part. Why?

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(315): View more from New York

Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?

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(630): View more from Illinois

230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap

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(802): View more from Vermont

Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.

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(254): View more from Texas

We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

I think we should measure in "bathtubs"

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(630): View more from Illinois

Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese

(312): View more from Illinois

Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?

(630): View more from Illinois

I love you bro

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth

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(503): View more from Oregon

That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO

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(323): View more from California

Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face

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(201): View more from New Jersey

In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.

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(310): View more from California

At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?

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(443): View more from Maryland

dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car

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(843): View more from South Carolina

You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS

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(248): View more from Michigan

Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.

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(734): View more from Michigan

he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.

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(716): View more from New York

Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?

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(480): View more from Arizona

there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I thought you were single?

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.

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(253): View more from Washington

I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Are you high right now?

(1-228): View more from Mississippi

is that a question or a drake reference?

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(518): View more from New York

I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.

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(660): View more from Missouri

I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!

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(785): View more from Kansas

Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

Aren't they always?

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(816): View more from Missouri

Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories

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(567): View more from Ohio

She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs

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(415): View more from California

We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.

(250): View more from British Columbia

I hear you

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(513): View more from Ohio

Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach

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(209): View more from California

Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.

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(706): View more from Georgia

six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah, that was you

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(937): View more from Ohio

And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.

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(305): View more from Florida

She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"

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(260): View more from Indiana

the scent of your tears make me crave pizza

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(209): View more from California

Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing

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(707): View more from California

At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!

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(210): View more from Texas

the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.

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(807): View more from Ontario

I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.

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(801): View more from Utah

Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.

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(330): View more from Ohio

BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

How's your threesome situation going?

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

Optimistic

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(250): View more from British Columbia

we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth

(1-870): View more from Arkansas

I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.

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(305): View more from Florida

You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.

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(415): View more from California

It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.

(216): View more from Ohio

this is the second day in a row.

(330): View more from Ohio

Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.

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(916): View more from California

I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.

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(831): View more from California

im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness

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(248): View more from Michigan

Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.

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(847): View more from Illinois

there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.

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(562): View more from California

When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....

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(229): View more from Georgia

As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.

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(914): View more from New York

Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry

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(573): View more from Missouri

Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days

(1-308): View more from Nebraska

Are you goin to rehab again?

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(210): View more from Texas

It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt

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(914): View more from New York

I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

How was your 8:30 class today?

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.

(803): View more from South Carolina

Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.

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(509): View more from Washington

HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,

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(585): View more from New York

Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.

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(719): View more from Colorado

As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.

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(720): View more from Colorado

So you met him?

(1-720): View more from Colorado

More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.

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(206): View more from Washington

Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.

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(914): View more from New York

Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?

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(817): View more from Texas

Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.

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(914): View more from New York

I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I will give you all my nachos to make this happen

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears

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(864): View more from South Carolina

We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers

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(585): View more from New York

I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital

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(605): View more from South Dakota

She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.

(1-623): View more from Arizona

That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me

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(916): View more from California

I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.

(1-916): View more from California

Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?

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(301): View more from Maryland

people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back

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(845): View more from New York

Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.

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(313): View more from Michigan

#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.

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(775): View more from Nevada

We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne

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(201): View more from New Jersey

she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested

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(802): View more from Vermont

I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.

(1-520): View more from Arizona

I can pencil you in at 3:30

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.

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(516): View more from New York

Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.

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(251): View more from Alabama

THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.

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(407): View more from Florida

the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.

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(858): View more from California

I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake

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(209): View more from California

His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.

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(714): View more from California

She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.

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(310): View more from California

What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Lube is flammable

(404): View more from Georgia

Who is this??

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(630): View more from Illinois

They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...

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(765): View more from Indiana

Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun

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(847): View more from Illinois

i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero

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(586): View more from Michigan

Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"

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(816): View more from Missouri

I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"

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(914): View more from New York

Oh god. Standing was a rash decision

(847): View more from Illinois

I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.

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(802): View more from Vermont

You want anything?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Gatorade and you naked.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?

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(224): View more from Illinois

you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping

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(441): View more from Bermuda-Carib

You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.

(1-318): View more from Louisiana

Stop giving me tequila.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.

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(214): View more from Texas

Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo

(410): View more from Maryland

Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps

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(224): View more from Illinois

My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.

(312): View more from Illinois

Elaborate

(224): View more from Illinois

Strip Mario-Kart

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now

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(310): View more from California

I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(

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(970): View more from Colorado

How do you feel?

(1-970): View more from Colorado

Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens

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(208): View more from Idaho

so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.

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(718): View more from New York

Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.

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(316): View more from Kansas

I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.

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(408): View more from California

Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage

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(931): View more from Tennessee

My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

what about money

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

no - he has a code he lives by

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(515): View more from Iowa

I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!

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(217): View more from Illinois

Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE

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(908): View more from New Jersey

It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.

(637): View more from

We made popcorn last night. So it's both

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.

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(530): View more from California

My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans

(530): View more from California

You've been usurped as King of the Gays

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(315): View more from New York

Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really

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(847): View more from Illinois

That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am

(248): View more from Michigan

Hahaha. That's funny.

(847): View more from Illinois

But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship

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(847): View more from Illinois

you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night

(1-847): View more from Illinois

that actually explains a lot

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself

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(813): View more from Florida

The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?

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(419): View more from Ohio

HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.

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(616): View more from Michigan

If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over

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(720): View more from Colorado

Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.

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(432): View more from Texas

she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night

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(248): View more from Michigan

Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.

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(440): View more from Ohio

she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even

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(631): View more from New York

He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away

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(303): View more from Colorado

So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher

(312): View more from Illinois

And maybe a life coach?

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(856): View more from New Jersey

he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..

(856): View more from New Jersey

i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.

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(734): View more from Michigan

It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."

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(609): View more from New Jersey

How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?

(941): View more from Florida

I was attacked by whores

(609): View more from New Jersey

You threw up on yourself again didn't you?

(941): View more from Florida

They were strong whores

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(678): View more from Georgia

Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?

(404): View more from Georgia

Things like this can't be explained over text man

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(301): View more from Maryland

Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass

(240): View more from Maryland

He should have died. Natural selection.

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(626): View more from California

I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.

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(+33): View more from France

So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.

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(214): View more from Texas

i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.

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(714): View more from California

Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.

(1-714): View more from California

This is why we're friends.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions

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(219): View more from Indiana

Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Nobody in the ambulance liked me...

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

You eat cookies in the shower?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser

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(304): View more from West Virginia

you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

they paper machayed me.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day

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(216): View more from Ohio

Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight

(440): View more from Ohio

Challenge Accepted

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(216): View more from Ohio

He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.

(1-216): View more from Ohio

Go her

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(209): View more from California

He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?

(732): View more from New Jersey

No, I did. It's a long story.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing

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(704): View more from North Carolina

The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.

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(804): View more from Virginia

You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.

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(714): View more from California

Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.

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(206): View more from Washington

She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient

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(812): View more from Indiana

I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.

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(514): View more from Quebec

So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.

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(937): View more from Ohio

in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.

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(626): View more from California

I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Are you alive?

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

were you high?

(1-505): View more from New Mexico

When?

(1-505): View more from New Mexico

Actually just blanket yes to that question

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(+55): View more from

Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.

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(661): View more from California

I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek

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(607): View more from New York

I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

(315): View more from New York

Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.

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(207): View more from Maine

Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.

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(574): View more from Indiana

It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me

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(256): View more from Alabama

He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

He looks like he'd be great Lego character.

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(214): View more from Texas

I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw

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(515): View more from Iowa

She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during

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(907): View more from Alaska

She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music

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(765): View more from Indiana

We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...

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(703): View more from Virginia

I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.

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(718): View more from New York

If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go

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(916): View more from California

WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.

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(480): View more from Arizona

You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show

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(205): View more from Alabama

You fucked her?! HER?!

(1-205): View more from Alabama

She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1

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(618): View more from Illinois

Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.

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(661): View more from California

random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones

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(314): View more from Missouri

CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED

(+04): View more from

Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?

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(979): View more from Texas

Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.

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(515): View more from Iowa

You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.

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(815): View more from Illinois

he ran through my sliding door

(1-815): View more from Illinois

in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers

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(308): View more from Nebraska

And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt

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(303): View more from Colorado

Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw

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(559): View more from California

Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes

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(734): View more from Michigan

I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.

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(406): View more from Montana

sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.

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(941): View more from Florida

Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.

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(217): View more from Illinois

it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him

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(281): View more from Texas

I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..

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(301): View more from Maryland

They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."

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(530): View more from California

Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know

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(940): View more from Texas

Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.

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(641): View more from Iowa

FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.

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(518): View more from New York

I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.

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(415): View more from California

She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.

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(207): View more from Maine

Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?

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(+61): View more from Australia

We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations

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(316): View more from Kansas

Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.

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(678): View more from Georgia

You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?

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(559): View more from California

I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.

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(315): View more from New York

15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?

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(+61): View more from Australia

Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.

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(303): View more from Colorado

So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.

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(515): View more from Iowa

It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.

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(540): View more from Virginia

For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.

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(618): View more from Illinois

She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed

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(+34): View more from Spain

You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.

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(620): View more from Kansas

Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.

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(909): View more from California

I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not

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(760): View more from California

I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.

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(909): View more from California

It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP

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(714): View more from California

I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.

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(435): View more from Utah

I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.

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(941): View more from Florida

Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.

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(707): View more from California

drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

tell her thanks so much

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(719): View more from Colorado

U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..

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(808): View more from Hawaii

And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.

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(905): View more from Ontario

ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.

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(561): View more from Florida

This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

What bar did i puke in last night

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE

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(425): View more from Washington

Wanna skype?

(1-425): View more from Washington

Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You almost set me on fire last night.

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

You probably deserved it.

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(315): View more from New York

I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.

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(516): View more from New York

Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you

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(651): View more from Minnesota

It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.

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(571): View more from Virginia

How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?

(1-920): View more from Wisconsin

Yes and yes

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(360): View more from Washington

She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit

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(914): View more from New York

The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.

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(478): View more from Georgia

He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.

(740): View more from Ohio

Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.

(647): View more from Ontario

Would it have been easier if he talked to her?

(416): View more from Toronto

Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.

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(310): View more from California

Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...

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(+61): View more from Australia

On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety

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(917): View more from New York City

sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.

(917): View more from New York City

that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".

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(361): View more from Texas

Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.

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(641): View more from Iowa

You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!

(503): View more from Oregon

Not okay.

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(716): View more from New York

The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.

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(559): View more from California

I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.

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(703): View more from Virginia

No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me

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(816): View more from Missouri

I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.

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(760): View more from California

But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy

(530): View more from California

I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast

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(708): View more from Illinois

you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato

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(614): View more from Ohio

Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.

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(831): View more from California

I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.

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(906): View more from Michigan

As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back

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(914): View more from New York

at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.

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(469): View more from Texas

Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...

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(703): View more from Virginia

Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.

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(587): View more from Alberta

You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.

(416): View more from Toronto

I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.

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(801): View more from Utah

walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.

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(207): View more from Maine

I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....

(617): View more from Massachusetts

This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.

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(210): View more from Texas

you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.

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(949): View more from California

I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.

(702): View more from Nevada

It's like the whiskey god was watching over you

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(303): View more from Colorado

I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?

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(406): View more from Montana

K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea

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(615): View more from Tennessee

fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think

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(317): View more from Indiana

do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.

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(409): View more from Texas

Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo

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(913): View more from Kansas

How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.

(913): View more from Kansas

1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me

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(941): View more from Florida

I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.

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(806): View more from Texas

Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.

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(949): View more from California

We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.

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(206): View more from Washington

You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.

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(520): View more from Arizona

I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.

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(289): View more from Ontario

Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.

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(705): View more from Ontario

You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work

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(410): View more from Maryland

fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.

(307): View more from Wyoming

Except even better, boobs get discounts.

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(802): View more from Vermont

you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.

(262): View more from Wisconsin

I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.

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(206): View more from Washington

Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities

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(419): View more from Ohio

You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...

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(520): View more from Arizona

She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.

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(970): View more from Colorado

You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather

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(862): View more from New Jersey

Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons

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(65): View more from

Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.

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(830): View more from Texas

No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.

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(708): View more from Illinois

We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.

(1+44): View more from

Doesn't she keep a spare?

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.

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(757): View more from Virginia

where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.

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(512): View more from Texas

No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.

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(254): View more from Texas

...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Disregard the shoes in the freezer.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess

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(303): View more from Colorado

New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night

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(716): View more from New York

Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?

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(330): View more from Ohio

Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.

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(770): View more from Georgia

You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.

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(716): View more from New York

i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?

(1-701): View more from North Dakota

No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"

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(304): View more from West Virginia

My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.

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(360): View more from Washington

thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking

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(239): View more from Florida

Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.

(801): View more from Utah

Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.

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(512): View more from Texas

I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."

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(905): View more from Ontario

you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.

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(801): View more from Utah

I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises

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(319): View more from Iowa

Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.

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(404): View more from Georgia

The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.

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(519): View more from Ontario

He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.

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(850): View more from Florida

Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth

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(317): View more from Indiana

I cant shower it involves moving...

(219): View more from Indiana

Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.

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(989): View more from Michigan

walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.

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(917): View more from New York City

Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Do you want cuervo gold or silver?

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.

(307): View more from Wyoming

I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...

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(704): View more from North Carolina

There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.

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(773): View more from Illinois

You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING

(1-773): View more from Illinois

Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time

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(810): View more from Michigan

She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

U took a sewing needle to his nipple

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

Psshh,

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.

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(631): View more from New York

Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?

(516): View more from New York

lol... you weighed it?

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(240): View more from Maryland

Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.

(434): View more from Virginia

Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.

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(614): View more from Ohio

This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?

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(347): View more from New York

Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you said candy land and then passed out.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.

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(386): View more from Florida

At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?

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(734): View more from Michigan

The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.

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(541): View more from Oregon

She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.

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(283): View more from Ohio

He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.

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(813): View more from Florida

EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?

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(719): View more from Colorado

He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."

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(626): View more from California

Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?

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(310): View more from California

My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius

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(248): View more from Michigan

He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.

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(707): View more from California

is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??

(408): View more from California

your beer goggles are on backwards.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.

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(951): View more from California

Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.

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(248): View more from Michigan

No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.

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(707): View more from California

New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice

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(314): View more from Missouri

she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.

(1-701): View more from North Dakota

Jesus, are you hammered?

(701): View more from North Dakota

Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.

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(406): View more from Montana

Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift

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(916): View more from California

This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.

(831): View more from California

How much did you smoke??

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(618): View more from Illinois

I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I swear they were about to hook up!!

(1-240): View more from Maryland

I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.

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(310): View more from California

How was the party last night?

(314): View more from Missouri

There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"

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(406): View more from Montana

The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?

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(256): View more from Alabama

Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE

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(718): View more from New York

Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.

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(909): View more from California

Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing

(502): View more from Kentucky

Sidenote...no idea how to salsa

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(971): View more from Oregon

Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard

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(970): View more from Colorado

I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.

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(281): View more from Texas

It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now

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(575): View more from New Mexico

She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon

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(606): View more from Kentucky

If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.

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(440): View more from Ohio

They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.

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(903): View more from Texas

I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.

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(563): View more from Iowa

he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Casually had to file a missing persons report last night

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(330): View more from Ohio

It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.

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(404): View more from Georgia

NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs

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(518): View more from New York

Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard

(1-417): View more from Missouri

Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.

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(817): View more from Texas

Do you have any booze?

(214): View more from Texas

Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...

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(302): View more from Delaware

She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.

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(806): View more from Texas

You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?

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(314): View more from Missouri

Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.

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(406): View more from Montana

Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor

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(905): View more from Ontario

Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.

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(903): View more from Texas

Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat

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(404): View more from Georgia

I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I have got to meet this girl.

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(970): View more from Colorado

We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am

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(310): View more from California

Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?

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(352): View more from Florida

Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?

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(606): View more from Kentucky

after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!

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(831): View more from California

oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.

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(419): View more from Ohio

They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.

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(330): View more from Ohio

He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?

(+48): View more from Poland

Poland

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(949): View more from California

The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.

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(530): View more from California

Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.

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(949): View more from California

Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym

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(979): View more from Texas

He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic

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(678): View more from Georgia

When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?

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(703): View more from Virginia

it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.

(513): View more from Ohio

I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly

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(434): View more from Virginia

For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.

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(248): View more from Michigan

THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST

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(205): View more from Alabama

I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.

(765): View more from Indiana

yay hump day

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.

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(972): View more from Texas

The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard

(972): View more from Texas

OHHH and there was a Batman too.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out

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(845): View more from New York

Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water

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(438): View more from Quebec

gladiator or hannah montana?

(514): View more from Quebec

This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?

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(314): View more from Missouri

Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!

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(801): View more from Utah

When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.

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(509): View more from Washington

Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus

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(248): View more from Michigan

My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge

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(816): View more from Missouri

i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday

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(831): View more from California

YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I stole a fireplace last night.

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(804): View more from Virginia

have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with

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(651): View more from Minnesota

And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse

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(248): View more from Michigan

I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.

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(914): View more from New York

I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow

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(407): View more from Florida

I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

Now it's a party.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you found the shrooms didnt you

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(231): View more from Michigan

Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"

(774): View more from Massachusetts

It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"

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(406): View more from Montana

Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.

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(406): View more from Montana

sick fucks of a feather flock together

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.

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(802): View more from Vermont

she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor

(1-802): View more from Vermont

oh but she would

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(432): View more from Texas

I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.

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(310): View more from California

This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.

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(707): View more from California

They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.

(705): View more from Ontario

I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.

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(509): View more from Washington

you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high

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(901): View more from Tennessee

At least you have booty calls.

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.

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(706): View more from Georgia

On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.

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(518): View more from New York

It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.

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(904): View more from Florida

Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?

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(731): View more from Tennessee

You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"

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(949): View more from California

how did we start talking about space blow jobs?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet

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(301): View more from Maryland

His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.

(1-301): View more from Maryland

I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.

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(917): View more from New York City

when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.

(917): View more from New York City

Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.

(347): View more from New York

he is a god among men.

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(407): View more from Florida

I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.

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(719): View more from Colorado

That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.

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(214): View more from Texas

well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Glow parties are what I live for

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

Your priorities in life astound me

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(631): View more from New York

does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?

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(330): View more from Ohio

he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..

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(607): View more from New York

Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.

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(360): View more from Washington

Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.

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(305): View more from Florida

It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.

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(775): View more from Nevada

she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever

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(518): View more from New York

Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.

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(727): View more from Florida

Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?

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(512): View more from Texas

Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka

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(650): View more from California

lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses

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(917): View more from New York City

Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.

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(707): View more from California

I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots

(1-707): View more from California

You did like 8

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.

(250): View more from British Columbia

A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..

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(972): View more from Texas

I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.

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(851): View more from

Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.

(522): View more from

Don't break up.

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(404): View more from Georgia

You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed

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(916): View more from California

It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.

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(714): View more from California

I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning

(519): View more from Ontario

Omg I think I'm in the wrong class

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(916): View more from California

Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.

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(303): View more from Colorado

he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper

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(970): View more from Colorado

I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.

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(848): View more from New Jersey

Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.

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(206): View more from Washington

What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?

(425): View more from Washington

Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.

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(679): View more from Michigan

I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.

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(631): View more from New York

On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world

(1-631): View more from New York

It's like a tribute to you being a slut

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(651): View more from Minnesota

This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.

(507): View more from Minnesota

Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.

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(585): View more from New York

And I feel bad.

(716): View more from New York

Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?

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(206): View more from Washington

When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...

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(972): View more from Texas

Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...

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(289): View more from Ontario

you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window

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(808): View more from Hawaii

To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex

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(503): View more from Oregon

Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You went to jail last night?!

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

Just a little bit.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...

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(604): View more from British Columbia

If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.

(604): View more from British Columbia

And by one day I mean once every two weeks.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.

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(706): View more from Georgia

He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?

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(503): View more from Oregon

I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch

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(941): View more from Florida

We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.

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(707): View more from California

Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

This is the high leading the old right now

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(513): View more from Ohio

Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.

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(469): View more from Texas

Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.

(580): View more from Oklahoma

....this is what your political science major is getting you?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.

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(951): View more from California

Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.

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(303): View more from Colorado

why does he always try to puke into shot glasses

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(516): View more from New York

my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great

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(916): View more from California

So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.

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(313): View more from Michigan

It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)

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(847): View more from Illinois

Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.

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(+04): View more from

I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I will cut you

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me

(423): View more from Tennessee

Put that in perspective

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(815): View more from Illinois

I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.

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(416): View more from Toronto

How did it go last night?

(647): View more from Ontario

Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?

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(637): View more from

I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night

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(207): View more from Maine

She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight

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(770): View more from Georgia

You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.

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(925): View more from California

I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.

(1-925): View more from California

We just have a real special relationship.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.

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(406): View more from Montana

we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"

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(269): View more from Michigan

I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes

(203): View more from Connecticut

i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally

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(937): View more from Ohio

You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable

(1-937): View more from Ohio

I can do at least one of those things.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.

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(813): View more from Florida

Penises. Everywhere.

(772): View more from Florida

You're. Welcome.

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(772): View more from Florida

Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.

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(406): View more from Montana

They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl

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(503): View more from Oregon

You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.

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(209): View more from California

Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.

(209): View more from California

And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.

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(480): View more from Arizona

We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet

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(212): View more from New York

You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.

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(410): View more from Maryland

My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?

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(307): View more from Wyoming

puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.

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(646): View more from New York

I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?

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(847): View more from Illinois

All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.

(773): View more from Illinois

that bad?

(847): View more from Illinois

u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns

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(859): View more from Kentucky

She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon

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(903): View more from Texas

Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?

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(316): View more from Kansas

You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing

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(817): View more from Texas

Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?

(505): View more from New Mexico

yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.

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(407): View more from Florida

I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.

(904): View more from Florida

Yeah he's good at that.

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(812): View more from Indiana

He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet

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(315): View more from New York

Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.

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(443): View more from Maryland

My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.

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(631): View more from New York

Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?

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(507): View more from Minnesota

you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now

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(613): View more from Ontario

I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.

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(813): View more from Florida

I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?

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(706): View more from Georgia

I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself

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(847): View more from Illinois

The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.

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(352): View more from Florida

I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit

(216): View more from Ohio

There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.

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(819): View more from Quebec

The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.

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(650): View more from California

I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.

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(613): View more from Ontario

New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.

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(770): View more from Georgia

you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.

(678): View more from Georgia

THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

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(941): View more from Florida

It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.

(1-941): View more from Florida

Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.

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(928): View more from Arizona

My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.

(308): View more from Nebraska

Pass the awkward sauce please.

(928): View more from Arizona

I'm drowning in it here

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(914): View more from New York

Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?

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(810): View more from Michigan

You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults

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(812): View more from Indiana

You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts

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(925): View more from California

I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.

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(214): View more from Texas

It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.

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(909): View more from California

I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.

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(419): View more from Ohio

That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.

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(352): View more from Florida

I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!

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(905): View more from Ontario

Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental

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(432): View more from Texas

Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.

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(805): View more from California

I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior

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(805): View more from California

Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.

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(760): View more from California

She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.

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(951): View more from California

She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.

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(734): View more from Michigan

i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen

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(613): View more from Ontario

Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.

(763): View more from Minnesota

I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Not worth it.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.

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(219): View more from Indiana

my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas

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(713): View more from Texas

We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.

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(509): View more from Washington

We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.

(1-509): View more from Washington

You had me at shuffleboard and strippers

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

Marry him. Now.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.

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(720): View more from Colorado

My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever

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(641): View more from Iowa

Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples

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(917): View more from New York City

Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

I could have done it in 2

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.

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(817): View more from Texas

I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.

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(334): View more from Alabama

It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction

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(419): View more from Ohio

Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.

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(279): View more from

Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?

(574): View more from Indiana

You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you

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(541): View more from Oregon

I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways

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(310): View more from California

I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409

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(941): View more from Florida

Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation

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(518): View more from New York

I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.

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(940): View more from Texas

you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl

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(757): View more from Virginia

Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm

(1-757): View more from Virginia

Dick in a box?

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(417): View more from Missouri

I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.

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(734): View more from Michigan

this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card

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(503): View more from Oregon

I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.

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(847): View more from Illinois

This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me

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(631): View more from New York

if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org

(516): View more from New York

.org?

(631): View more from New York

yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?

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(646): View more from New York

I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.

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(281): View more from Texas

Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.

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(785): View more from Kansas

apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man

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(408): View more from California

You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?

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(517): View more from Michigan

I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.

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(607): View more from New York

Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?

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(+66): View more from Thailand

Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt

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(512): View more from Texas

By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future

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(831): View more from California

tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better

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(541): View more from Oregon

I want a burrito.

(1-541): View more from Oregon

Truly, you are the voice of a generation.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.

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(712): View more from Iowa

I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love

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(404): View more from Georgia

The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"

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(559): View more from California

she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up

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(518): View more from New York

It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.

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(817): View more from Texas

Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?

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(360): View more from Washington

Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance

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(860): View more from Connecticut

My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.

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(816): View more from Missouri

We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...

(1-320): View more from Minnesota

It's been a bad semester.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"

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(914): View more from New York

How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?

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(805): View more from California

Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"

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(520): View more from Arizona

Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes

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(406): View more from Montana

I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.

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(678): View more from Georgia

So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.

(770): View more from Georgia

Dude. Do it.

(678): View more from Georgia

Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?

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(712): View more from Iowa

That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong

(980): View more from North Carolina

And?

(704): View more from North Carolina

He melted the stem

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(205): View more from Alabama

After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.

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(415): View more from California

Feeling better?

(720): View more from Colorado

I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch

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(559): View more from California

she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends

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(586): View more from Michigan

you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer

(1-586): View more from Michigan

Ok let me change into clothes i can run in

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(740): View more from Ohio

I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.

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(602): View more from Arizona

JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.

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(760): View more from California

Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.

(1-760): View more from California

Party city is having a sale on maracas

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(770): View more from Georgia

Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.

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(714): View more from California

A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.

(1-714): View more from California

YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES

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(410): View more from Maryland

I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..

(1-330): View more from Ohio

that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.

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(330): View more from Ohio

They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.

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(614): View more from Ohio

not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...

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(772): View more from Florida

You're fine

(585): View more from New York

I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~

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(510): View more from California

Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands

(1-510): View more from California

Tgat was the small dick alert

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(708): View more from Illinois

They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters

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(315): View more from New York

Just drove past the dude that came in your sock

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(650): View more from California

I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

how bad is she

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

captain morgan with tits

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(843): View more from South Carolina

There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.

(843): View more from South Carolina

I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"

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(314): View more from Missouri

Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.

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(435): View more from Utah

For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab

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(604): View more from British Columbia

You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.

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(845): View more from New York

This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.

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(661): View more from California

What a dumb baby whore.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You slow clapped the stripper last night.

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(585): View more from New York

You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!

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(636): View more from Missouri

Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...

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(708): View more from Illinois

just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..

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(+61): View more from Australia

I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.

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(541): View more from Oregon

It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"

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(303): View more from Colorado

We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs

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(870): View more from Arkansas

If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.

(1-870): View more from Arkansas

You always know what to say to make me feel better.

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(641): View more from Iowa

you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts

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(269): View more from Michigan

I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class

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(440): View more from Ohio

You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered

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(714): View more from California

When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.

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(334): View more from Alabama

Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.

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(914): View more from New York

We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.

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(281): View more from Texas

that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.

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(512): View more from Texas

There are so many Jimmy John's employees here

(1-512): View more from Texas

Where are you?

(512): View more from Texas

Jimmy John's.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

3pm strippers are depressing

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(519): View more from Ontario

I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?

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(416): View more from Toronto

Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.

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(775): View more from Nevada

She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...

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(573): View more from Missouri

Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.

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(740): View more from Ohio

This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"

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(248): View more from Michigan

We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens

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(248): View more from Michigan

Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.

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(954): View more from Florida

well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.

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(407): View more from Florida

I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?

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(662): View more from Mississippi

She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.

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(503): View more from Oregon

All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"

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(928): View more from Arizona

I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'

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(208): View more from Idaho

I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.

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(+33): View more from France

We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?

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(483): View more from

Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite

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(716): View more from New York

Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.

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(323): View more from California

He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?

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(727): View more from Florida

I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I love you more than champagne and correct grammar

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

(410): View more from Maryland

you are way too vulgar to be a girl

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I'm wearing red that night.

(301): View more from Maryland

Noted, what shade?

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Whore.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot

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(817): View more from Texas

there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...

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(517): View more from Michigan

btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.

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(530): View more from California

I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?

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(406): View more from Montana

You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.

(1-406): View more from Montana

That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.

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(415): View more from California

Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.

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(984): View more from North Carolina

i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.

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(928): View more from Arizona

He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero

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(303): View more from Colorado

im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.

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(813): View more from Florida

no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything

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(562): View more from California

guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.

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(682): View more from Texas

I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

if you just come over, i will entertain you

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment

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(941): View more from Florida

I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?

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(912): View more from Georgia

Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.

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(253): View more from Washington

Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents

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(567): View more from Ohio

For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.

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(229): View more from Georgia

I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.

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(229): View more from Georgia

Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?

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(206): View more from Washington

a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside

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(304): View more from West Virginia

The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower

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(313): View more from Michigan

I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.

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(660): View more from Missouri

i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Hows that studying goin for you?

(1-505): View more from New Mexico

I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.

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(754): View more from Florida

Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key

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(503): View more from Oregon

Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.

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(239): View more from Florida

I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!

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(316): View more from Kansas

You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.

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(330): View more from Ohio

okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT

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(678): View more from Georgia

This is the weirdest negotiation ever.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.

(847): View more from Illinois

Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st

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(586): View more from Michigan

It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"

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(708): View more from Illinois

Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis

(773): View more from Illinois

Just arrived at our party

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(661): View more from California

I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.

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(248): View more from Michigan

If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.

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(760): View more from California

I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?

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(347): View more from New York

When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.

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(789): View more from

You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?

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(317): View more from Indiana

Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.

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(714): View more from California

Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.

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(914): View more from New York

You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that

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(914): View more from New York

If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.

(1-757): View more from Virginia

It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.

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(714): View more from California

my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow

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(585): View more from New York

we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night

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(305): View more from Florida

So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.

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(914): View more from New York

I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day

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(850): View more from Florida

I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?

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(253): View more from Washington

At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.

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(269): View more from Michigan

all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird

(269): View more from Michigan

OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO

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(210): View more from Texas

If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night

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(+32): View more from Belgium

we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump

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(516): View more from New York

1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.

(516): View more from New York

By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?

(636): View more from Missouri

Wtf did you do last night?

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(314): View more from Missouri

I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.

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(310): View more from California

I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues

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(740): View more from Ohio

I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!

(508): View more from Massachusetts

He does that

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(747): View more from California

by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.

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(520): View more from Arizona

One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.

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(678): View more from Georgia

So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina

(404): View more from Georgia

I'm teaching my cat to play fetch

(678): View more from Georgia

Yep, it's a friday

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(330): View more from Ohio

You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.

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(310): View more from California

If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place

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(512): View more from Texas

studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing

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(585): View more from New York

Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right

(631): View more from New York

Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15

(585): View more from New York

hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos

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(812): View more from Indiana

You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand

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(416): View more from Toronto

I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home

(647): View more from Ontario

Was he satisfied?

(416): View more from Toronto

No, and very vocal about it.

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(410): View more from Maryland

You threw up with your ski mask on still.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets

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(203): View more from Connecticut

If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.

(518): View more from New York

So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?

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(571): View more from Virginia

It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack

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(587): View more from Alberta

Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!

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(224): View more from Illinois

I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania

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(817): View more from Texas

No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.

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(562): View more from California

I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?

(714): View more from California

Whatever it is you failed

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(714): View more from California

the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.

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(817): View more from Texas

your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha

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(204): View more from Manitoba

we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!

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(219): View more from Indiana

The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.

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(248): View more from Michigan

She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.

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(912): View more from Georgia

There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.

(912): View more from Georgia

Do you need my fax number or something?

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(509): View more from Washington

Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom

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(518): View more from New York

we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well

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(702): View more from Nevada

The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves

(806): View more from Texas

That's not technology. Doesn't count.

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(512): View more from Texas

I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.

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(916): View more from California

If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present

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(503): View more from Oregon

She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.

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(972): View more from Texas

I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.

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(217): View more from Illinois

We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.

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(+61): View more from Australia

we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured

(617): View more from Massachusetts

I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed

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(574): View more from Indiana

I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat

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(909): View more from California

and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....

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(847): View more from Illinois

That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.

(847): View more from Illinois

You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.

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(941): View more from Florida

You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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(513): View more from Ohio

chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.

(513): View more from Ohio

Who are you high with right now?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic

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(865): View more from Tennessee

He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.

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(703): View more from Virginia

you seemed to enjoy falling down hill

(540): View more from Virginia

wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies

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(415): View more from California

just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?

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(214): View more from Texas

My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.

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(207): View more from Maine

Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?

(1-207): View more from Maine

I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.

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(917): View more from New York City

every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.

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(407): View more from Florida

When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.

(301): View more from Maryland

Did you reintroduce yourself?

(407): View more from Florida

He threatened to call the cops.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...

(1-778): View more from British Columbia

she's gonna get diseases

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(253): View more from Washington

they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"

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(850): View more from Florida

I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.

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(425): View more from Washington

UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD

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(408): View more from California

I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty

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(217): View more from Illinois

Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.

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(313): View more from Michigan

its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore

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(407): View more from Florida

My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.

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(831): View more from California

i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something

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(330): View more from Ohio

Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.

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(760): View more from California

I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.

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(512): View more from Texas

no drinking for a week

(1-512): View more from Texas

if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes

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(804): View more from Virginia

I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.

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(210): View more from Texas

It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.

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(559): View more from California

I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.

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(818): View more from California

Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper

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(906): View more from Michigan

I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?

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(514): View more from Quebec

OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?

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(937): View more from Ohio

Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad

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(905): View more from Ontario

he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Cats found the secret coke stash again

(519): View more from Ontario

They owe us $80.

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(517): View more from Michigan

this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.

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(361): View more from Texas

Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.

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(949): View more from California

Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits

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(519): View more from Ontario

yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?

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(217): View more from Illinois

Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way

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(561): View more from Florida

I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.

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(914): View more from New York

He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF

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(408): View more from California

She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit

(1-408): View more from California

I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk

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(971): View more from Oregon

Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.

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(707): View more from California

At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.

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(206): View more from Washington

Gong!

(1-253): View more from Washington

YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I deem it safe for us to drink together again.

(1-928): View more from Arizona

They dropped the charges?

(928): View more from Arizona

Yeppers. Come drink beers.

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(913): View more from Kansas

So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..

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(707): View more from California

i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"

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(310): View more from California

Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

peace be with you.

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(805): View more from California

The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.

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(805): View more from California

You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.

(1-805): View more from California

watch me

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(905): View more from Ontario

Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"

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(734): View more from Michigan

Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time

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(516): View more from New York

Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking

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(914): View more from New York

He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?

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(914): View more from New York

Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?

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(847): View more from Illinois

I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE

(1-847): View more from Illinois

This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.

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(440): View more from Ohio

i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.

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(626): View more from California

Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...

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(862): View more from New Jersey

Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.

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(912): View more from Georgia

She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's

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(519): View more from Ontario

The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?

(1-913): View more from Kansas

I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.

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(509): View more from Washington

Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.

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(925): View more from California

We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.

(415): View more from California

No.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.

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(703): View more from Virginia

you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?

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(310): View more from California

how was it?

(1-310): View more from California

he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.

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(+61): View more from Australia

remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.

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(404): View more from Georgia

You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.

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(916): View more from California

You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".

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(602): View more from Arizona

If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!

(623): View more from Arizona

It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...

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(519): View more from Ontario

There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.

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(310): View more from California

we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.

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(707): View more from California

They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven

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(615): View more from Tennessee

After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.

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(630): View more from Illinois

So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.

(319): View more from Iowa

You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?

(859): View more from Kentucky

i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat

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(757): View more from Virginia

sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."

(401): View more from Rhode Island

I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think

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(806): View more from Texas

No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.

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(219): View more from Indiana

How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?

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(618): View more from Illinois

I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.

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(817): View more from Texas

Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello

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(903): View more from Texas

i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.

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(425): View more from Washington

i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea

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(+52): View more from Mexico

she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

You were.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.

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(417): View more from Missouri

So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.

(1-471): View more from

That's all you talk about when you are wasted.

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(+61): View more from Australia

We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.

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(813): View more from Florida

I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.

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(310): View more from California

Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.

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(319): View more from Iowa

I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.

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(519): View more from Ontario

she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems

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(432): View more from Texas

I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?

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(907): View more from Alaska

I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy

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(423): View more from Tennessee

It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.

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(518): View more from New York

The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart

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(541): View more from Oregon

And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch

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(330): View more from Ohio

All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?

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(303): View more from Colorado

just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

my head hurts. i need an adult

(225): View more from Louisiana

and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult

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(425): View more from Washington

I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.

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(313): View more from Michigan

So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.

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(757): View more from Virginia

you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.

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(949): View more from California

You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower

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(248): View more from Michigan

Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.

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(416): View more from Toronto

this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me

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(515): View more from Iowa

Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.

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(587): View more from Alberta

Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.

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(210): View more from Texas

I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.

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(705): View more from Ontario

He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.

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(309): View more from Illinois

We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.

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(619): View more from California

You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.

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(937): View more from Ohio

You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive

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(201): View more from New Jersey

A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.

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(951): View more from California

We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.

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(941): View more from Florida

Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.

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(817): View more from Texas

If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer

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(914): View more from New York

I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza

(917): View more from New York City

The hookers weren't a dream get tested

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.

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(303): View more from Colorado

we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us

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(613): View more from Ontario

On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?

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(815): View more from Illinois

im sober

(920): View more from Wisconsin

you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus

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(703): View more from Virginia

You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".

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(+27): View more from South Africa

i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.

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(619): View more from California

Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head

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(757): View more from Virginia

I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...

(757): View more from Virginia

I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out

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(337): View more from Louisiana

The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth

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(512): View more from Texas

If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.

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(707): View more from California

Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay

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(936): View more from Texas

If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.

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(514): View more from Quebec

We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...

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(253): View more from Washington

We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.

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(773): View more from Illinois

That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.

(804): View more from Virginia

It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.

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(714): View more from California

I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?

(949): View more from California

Midgetier?

(714): View more from California

Smaller, yet meaner.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.

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(239): View more from Florida

We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.

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(425): View more from Washington

We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.

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(518): View more from New York

You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them

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(703): View more from Virginia

Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..

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(618): View more from Illinois

We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket

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(954): View more from Florida

in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.

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(541): View more from Oregon

theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?

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(917): View more from New York City

She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.

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(972): View more from Texas

honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa

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(706): View more from Georgia

Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.

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(916): View more from California

Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at

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(519): View more from Ontario

Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...

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(206): View more from Washington

the night ended with taco bell and tears

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right

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(612): View more from Minnesota

What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.

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(972): View more from Texas

Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

What can I say, I'm a giver.

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.

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(512): View more from Texas

He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.

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(425): View more from Washington

He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."

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(319): View more from Iowa

After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.

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(914): View more from New York

He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.

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(925): View more from California

Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?

(1-925): View more from California

Come on man nobody wants to admit that

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks

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(317): View more from Indiana

Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.

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(207): View more from Maine

Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????

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(585): View more from New York

I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams

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(518): View more from New York

I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much

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(480): View more from Arizona

This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless

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(734): View more from Michigan

It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.

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(512): View more from Texas

You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long

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(540): View more from Virginia

Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey

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(575): View more from New Mexico

You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.

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(660): View more from Missouri

How did you make it to work sans hangover?

(816): View more from Missouri

4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols

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(914): View more from New York

He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.

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(319): View more from Iowa

THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.

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(410): View more from Maryland

halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.

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(630): View more from Illinois

IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?

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(614): View more from Ohio

You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.

(747): View more from California

Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.

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(330): View more from Ohio

White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell

(1-704): View more from North Carolina

Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those

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(302): View more from Delaware

Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...

(302): View more from Delaware

I just found it. I hope it leads to food.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"

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(250): View more from British Columbia

We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase

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(240): View more from Maryland

Apparently you can coat check a keg.

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(949): View more from California

You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs

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(505): View more from New Mexico

But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman

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(618): View more from Illinois

I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?

(1-618): View more from Illinois

We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.

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(440): View more from Ohio

The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.

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(707): View more from California

nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.

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(360): View more from Washington

Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.

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(949): View more from California

Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?

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(606): View more from Kentucky

This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."

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(810): View more from Michigan

You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.

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(419): View more from Ohio

You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"

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(512): View more from Texas

I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective

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(805): View more from California

You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way

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(253): View more from Washington

The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

How have you survived this long?

(479): View more from Arkansas

Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.

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(614): View more from Ohio

making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.

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(619): View more from California

Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know

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(347): View more from New York

He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.

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(810): View more from Michigan

She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.

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(705): View more from Ontario

She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.

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(214): View more from Texas

Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"

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(847): View more from Illinois

Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.

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(386): View more from Florida

I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.

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(510): View more from California

Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums

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(859): View more from Kentucky

You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy

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(404): View more from Georgia

The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed

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(979): View more from Texas

I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm at about main and main street

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(218): View more from Minnesota

We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree

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(954): View more from Florida

I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.

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(310): View more from California

You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

What time did you start drinking?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe isn't a time...

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.

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(845): View more from New York

if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.

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(518): View more from New York

He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.

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(646): View more from New York

HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.

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(628): View more from California

That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'

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(415): View more from California

He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Vodka shot parachutes

(265): View more from

Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room

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(519): View more from Ontario

My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"

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(210): View more from Texas

My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.

(720): View more from Colorado

Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?

(303): View more from Colorado

my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.

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(602): View more from Arizona

As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.

(208): View more from Idaho

I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.

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(940): View more from Texas

My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!

(940): View more from Texas

HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.

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(804): View more from Virginia

My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.

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(989): View more from Michigan

i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.

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(509): View more from Washington

Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

(802): View more from Vermont

So basically you were a dog.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.

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(646): View more from New York

So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking

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(863): View more from Florida

I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.

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(515): View more from Iowa

officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee

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(651): View more from Minnesota

You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

yeah you don't forget that shit easily

(651): View more from Minnesota

We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.

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(925): View more from California

We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals

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(510): View more from California

I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear

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(207): View more from Maine

Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?

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(509): View more from Washington

This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left

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(312): View more from Illinois

I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories

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(905): View more from Ontario

I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.

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(310): View more from California

It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots

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(586): View more from Michigan

LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT

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(623): View more from Arizona

Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?

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(705): View more from Ontario

Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.

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(818): View more from California

Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.

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(217): View more from Illinois

he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...

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(713): View more from Texas

OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?

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(727): View more from Florida

just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday

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(831): View more from California

I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.

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(340): View more from US Virgin Islands

I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"

(732): View more from New Jersey

Career choice validated

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(850): View more from Florida

hungover and i feel like a burrito

(1-850): View more from Florida

like eating one or like you are one?

(850): View more from Florida

like i am one.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist

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(602): View more from Arizona

After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.

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(281): View more from Texas

Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.

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(815): View more from Illinois

thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place

(402): View more from Nebraska

This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded

(402): View more from Nebraska

Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Those were the highlights of my night.

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(415): View more from California

There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.

(415): View more from California

No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans

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(207): View more from Maine

There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.

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(210): View more from Texas

The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced

(210): View more from Texas

The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!

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(609): View more from New Jersey

He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.

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(510): View more from California

I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard

(1-510): View more from California

Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".

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(+61): View more from Australia

We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.

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(979): View more from Texas

We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.

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(716): View more from New York

As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."

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(949): View more from California

You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...

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(969): View more from

I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%

(405): View more from Oklahoma

And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.

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(210): View more from Texas

Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?

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(206): View more from Washington

Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am

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(519): View more from Ontario

You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.

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(407): View more from Florida

I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"

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(925): View more from California

He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.

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(518): View more from New York

At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out

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(831): View more from California

i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila

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(847): View more from Illinois

no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sorry. Im on my way.

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(347): View more from New York

When are you not under some influence?

(917): View more from New York City

Since last Tuesday...yesterday.

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(925): View more from California

At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"

(308): View more from Nebraska

Stop drinking at work.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.

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(248): View more from Michigan

My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.

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(443): View more from Maryland

You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference

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(408): View more from California

Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission

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(650): View more from California

Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it

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(859): View more from Kentucky

We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.

(1-313): View more from Michigan

Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.

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(858): View more from California

this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me

(619): View more from California

that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.

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(509): View more from Washington

Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK

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(402): View more from Nebraska

There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.

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(313): View more from Michigan

They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.

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(206): View more from Washington

LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?

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(909): View more from California

No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..

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(517): View more from Michigan

Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.

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(404): View more from Georgia

im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.

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(206): View more from Washington

college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars

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(778): View more from British Columbia

nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table

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(541): View more from Oregon

I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.

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(770): View more from Georgia

If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?

(910): View more from North Carolina

That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?

(770): View more from Georgia

Touche.

(910): View more from North Carolina

I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.

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(812): View more from Indiana

They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal

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(301): View more from Maryland

Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car

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(310): View more from California

When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.

(1-304): View more from West Virginia

Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?

(304): View more from West Virginia

No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.

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(925): View more from California

I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.

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(562): View more from California

He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.

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(925): View more from California

you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed

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(614): View more from Ohio

at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent

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(618): View more from Illinois

I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka

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(269): View more from Michigan

I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.

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(917): View more from New York City

I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.

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(248): View more from Michigan

The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children

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(805): View more from California

as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"

(1-805): View more from California

uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win

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(917): View more from New York City

Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee

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(773): View more from Illinois

I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit

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(636): View more from Missouri

So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.

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(513): View more from Ohio

She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy

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(248): View more from Michigan

are we going to glenview for practice??

(847): View more from Illinois

(3 hrs later) aids

(248): View more from Michigan

where r u? what is story? im way too high right now

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.

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(917): View more from New York City

you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit

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(214): View more from Texas

Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police

(616): View more from Michigan

What?!?

(810): View more from Michigan

What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police

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(712): View more from Iowa

Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi

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(905): View more from Ontario

He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.

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(360): View more from Washington

Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.

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(302): View more from Delaware

It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This is sufficient.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.

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(404): View more from Georgia

i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone

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(636): View more from Missouri

He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.

(314): View more from Missouri

That was the greatest thing i have ever read.

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(703): View more from Virginia

so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.

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(818): View more from California

i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...

(805): View more from California

i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"

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(573): View more from Missouri

you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot

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(410): View more from Maryland

In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub

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(575): View more from New Mexico

The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

what does that even mean?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,

(679): View more from Michigan

I wanted to be a dolphin.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...

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(727): View more from Florida

I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"

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(512): View more from Texas

my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??

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(519): View more from Ontario

Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.

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(434): View more from Virginia

the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.

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(310): View more from California

Where are you???

(210): View more from Texas

With some dude on the way to his house to blaze

(310): View more from California

You went back to a stranger's house????

(210): View more from Texas

He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.

(310): View more from California

I love LA.

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(586): View more from Michigan

on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"

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(406): View more from Montana

i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.

(1-406): View more from Montana

haha i know

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(860): View more from Connecticut

The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one

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(310): View more from California

u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

What did you cook with whisky?

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We started a fire.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

when did we get a doorman?

(203): View more from Connecticut

we were also in the wrong building...

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(905): View more from Ontario

gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way

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(859): View more from Kentucky

While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.

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(813): View more from Florida

God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.

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(516): View more from New York

The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".

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(804): View more from Virginia

The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.

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(804): View more from Virginia

i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out

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(612): View more from Minnesota

all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.

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(714): View more from California

You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.

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(559): View more from California

Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.

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(510): View more from California

Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.

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(559): View more from California

I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.

(608): View more from Wisconsin

Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

where's my purse there's an important taco in it

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(913): View more from Kansas

So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE

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(740): View more from Ohio

I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..

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(651): View more from Minnesota

theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it

(651): View more from Minnesota

nevermind its newpaper

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(805): View more from California

Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?

(1-805): View more from California

Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): View more from New York

pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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(703): View more from Virginia

Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him

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(256): View more from Alabama

You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(980): View more from North Carolina

when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.

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(315): View more from New York

So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.

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(214): View more from Texas

I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."

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(574): View more from Indiana

Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.

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(817): View more from Texas

When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.

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(224): View more from Illinois

woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask

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(785): View more from Kansas

I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

How come twittering sounds sexual?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Because of Bambi.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.

(517): View more from Michigan

We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by

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(716): View more from New York

i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly

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(805): View more from California

IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!

(818): View more from California

A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?

(805): View more from California

CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT

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(785): View more from Kansas

you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.

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(416): View more from Toronto

He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n

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(254): View more from Texas

You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.

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(561): View more from Florida

he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye

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(616): View more from Michigan

Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Five things that make you perfect. Go.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Hi, my name's audrey!

(614): View more from Ohio

Max?

(740): View more from Ohio

Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?

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(949): View more from California

so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"

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(319): View more from Iowa

We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"

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(519): View more from Ontario

all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"

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(971): View more from Oregon

you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.

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(229): View more from Georgia

Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.

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(314): View more from Missouri

so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.

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(248): View more from Michigan

It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.

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(974): View more from

You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.

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(972): View more from Texas

Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car

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(248): View more from Michigan

So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in

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(408): View more from California

hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner

(1-408): View more from California

if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends

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(240): View more from Maryland

i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?

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(432): View more from Texas

Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.

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(407): View more from Florida

sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".

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(404): View more from Georgia

what's for breakfast?

(678): View more from Georgia

Advil and throwup

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(415): View more from California

When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest

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(708): View more from Illinois

he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet

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(907): View more from Alaska

started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.

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(917): View more from New York City

Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?

(325): View more from Texas

Because you touch yourself at night.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell

(901): View more from Tennessee

thats the international knock for joint time

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(305): View more from Florida

Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...

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(270): View more from Kentucky

We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.

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(404): View more from Georgia

"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.

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(425): View more from Washington

No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,

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(858): View more from California

we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

Dude, if you don't take her, I will.

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(206): View more from Washington

And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".

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(970): View more from Colorado

Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night

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(513): View more from Ohio

Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.

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(619): View more from California

he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.

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(260): View more from Indiana

I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.

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(972): View more from Texas

You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"

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(317): View more from Indiana

All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...

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(870): View more from Arkansas

He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it

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(517): View more from Michigan

I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?

(609): View more from New Jersey

Haha how much did you smoke

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

4 feet of smokeee!

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(909): View more from California

dude i'm inner monologue high

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(970): View more from Colorado

i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.

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(831): View more from California

I puked off the balcony.

(1-831): View more from California

Not horrible

(831): View more from California

Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"

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(614): View more from Ohio

Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...

(1-614): View more from Ohio

FUCK YOU.

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(256): View more from Alabama

i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

dude how high are you right now?

(256): View more from Alabama

do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.

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(313): View more from Michigan

So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday

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(906): View more from Michigan

nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life

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(845): View more from New York

No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.

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(213): View more from California

I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday

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(802): View more from Vermont

I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.

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(734): View more from Michigan

How was the bike ride?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.

(734): View more from Michigan

Your friend and I already don't get along

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(661): View more from California

1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.

(1-661): View more from California

1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know

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(319): View more from Iowa

You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift

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(516): View more from New York

the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY

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(540): View more from Virginia

The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace

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(514): View more from Quebec

I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.

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(773): View more from Illinois

When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"

(312): View more from Illinois

Prob not but she was surprised

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(912): View more from Georgia

you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"

(646): View more from New York

how do you like your eggs?

(865): View more from Tennessee

over tits

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(734): View more from Michigan

Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.

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(940): View more from Texas

Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers

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(607): View more from New York

I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.

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(614): View more from Ohio

would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties

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(917): View more from New York City

well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'

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(503): View more from Oregon

I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!

(508): View more from Massachusetts

because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen

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(510): View more from California

Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed

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(480): View more from Arizona

the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.

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(303): View more from Colorado

dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego

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(989): View more from Michigan

in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

At least he's a nutritious stoner...

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

I like taco bell too

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(216): View more from Ohio

Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing

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(330): View more from Ohio

Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.

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(513): View more from Ohio

hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"

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(505): View more from New Mexico

The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".

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(416): View more from Ontario

Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo

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(708): View more from Illinois

Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?

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(847): View more from Illinois

On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.

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(614): View more from Ohio

this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had

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(406): View more from Montana

just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime

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(785): View more from Kansas

A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it

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(303): View more from Colorado

I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.

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(607): View more from New York

Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.

(1-607): View more from New York

I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.

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(408): View more from California

Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.

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(443): View more from Maryland

We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.

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(915): View more from Texas

like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on

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(828): View more from North Carolina

you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.

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(352): View more from Florida

Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes

(1-352): View more from Florida

I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.

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(239): View more from Florida

I wish I could drop acid with the muppets

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.

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(574): View more from Indiana

Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.

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(806): View more from Texas

Jesus knows you're telling a lie.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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(416): View more from Toronto

that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle

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(505): View more from New Mexico

so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment

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(870): View more from Arkansas

You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.

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(916): View more from California

In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?

(1-916): View more from California

Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.

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(418): View more from Quebec

You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"

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(708): View more from Illinois

You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...

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(703): View more from Virginia

okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?

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(+63): View more from

Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop

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(303): View more from Colorado

Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay

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(973): View more from New Jersey

doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...

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(310): View more from California

Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck

(312): View more from Illinois

Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.

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(407): View more from Florida

You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.

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(845): View more from New York

you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes

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(716): View more from New York

Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases

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(925): View more from California

dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning

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(480): View more from Arizona

I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference

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(517): View more from Michigan

you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii

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(816): View more from Missouri

Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.

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(419): View more from Ohio

we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.

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(805): View more from California

you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.

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(713): View more from Texas

i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.

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(361): View more from Texas

What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?

(1-361): View more from Texas

These are the tickets we got last night.

(361): View more from Texas

Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?

(1-361): View more from Texas

Yes...yes you did.

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(914): View more from New York

She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.

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(410): View more from Maryland

i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.

(443): View more from Maryland

do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?

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(518): View more from New York

i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.

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(707): View more from California

He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

I'm jealous

(270): View more from Kentucky

My throat feels like a candle.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.

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(206): View more from Washington

He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.

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(574): View more from Indiana

im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven

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(925): View more from California

Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard

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(269): View more from Michigan

just do him I won't tell jon

(1-269): View more from Michigan

um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore

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(816): View more from Missouri

I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!

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(718): View more from New York

you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.

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(360): View more from Washington

I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?

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(314): View more from Missouri

I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.

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(404): View more from Georgia

FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night

(1-404): View more from Georgia

haha good one..how did you even know?

(404): View more from Georgia

we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.

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(443): View more from Maryland

i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.

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(317): View more from Indiana

if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?

(317): View more from Indiana

all hypothetical of course

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila

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(214): View more from Texas

It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...

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(352): View more from Florida

She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?

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(240): View more from Maryland

Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.

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(702): View more from Nevada

When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

I've always been the spiritual type.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?

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(240): View more from Maryland

Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

(732): View more from New Jersey

like it was yesterday

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.

(1+44): View more from

I regret nothing

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(917): View more from New York City

I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant

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(206): View more from Washington

My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.

(415): View more from California

Why?

(206): View more from Washington

Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.

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(415): View more from California

You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.

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(770): View more from Georgia

She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?

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(870): View more from Arkansas

He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell

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(703): View more from Virginia

Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar

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(314): View more from Missouri

I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?

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(214): View more from Texas

In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.

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(818): View more from California

Is it bad to mix sunny d with vodka if i dont have any real OJ?

(770): View more from Georgia

I've mixd ketchup with vodka before and called it a bloody mary, so, no.

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(805): View more from California

my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency

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(226): View more from Ontario

This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon

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(248): View more from Michigan

she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"

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(734): View more from Michigan

i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

what was she crying about?

(734): View more from Michigan

i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere

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(302): View more from Delaware

Who goes to Church hungover

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk

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(314): View more from Missouri

he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

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(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

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(678): View more from Georgia

All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

(404): View more from Georgia

You mean bread?

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(916): View more from California

my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

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(425): View more from Washington

It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.

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(941): View more from Florida

thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.

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(206): View more from Washington

You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..

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(917): View more from New York City

Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him

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(314): View more from Missouri

doooooooo herrrrrrrrr

(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm out of practice. be my yoda

(314): View more from Missouri

put your penis in her you must.

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(260): View more from Indiana

dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?

(1-260): View more from Indiana

what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing

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(714): View more from California

we're chasing vodka with high fives

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(423): View more from Tennessee

my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg

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(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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(813): View more from Florida

I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.

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(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(850): View more from Florida

hey. who tried to drive me home last night?

(904): View more from Florida

not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?

(850): View more from Florida

i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.

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(630): View more from Illinois

all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

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(219): View more from Indiana

Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

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(248): View more from Michigan

Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(704): View more from North Carolina

One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+

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(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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(305): View more from Florida

I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".

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(971): View more from Oregon

I have two black x marks on my hands.

(503): View more from Oregon

Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

(971): View more from Oregon

damnit I wish I could remember that.

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(954): View more from Florida

you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

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(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

(910): View more from North Carolina

IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

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(315): View more from New York

So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(785): View more from Kansas

MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.

(207): View more from Maine

HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.

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(512): View more from Texas

Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.

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(303): View more from Colorado

do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?

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(718): View more from New York

I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.

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(830): View more from Texas

I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.

(941): View more from Florida

it was a krispy kreme

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high

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(303): View more from Colorado

I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister

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(504): View more from Louisiana

That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.

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(785): View more from Kansas

She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.

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(917): View more from New York City

He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.

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