Texts From Last Night · hellokitty15's Favorites

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hellokitty15's Favorites Texts:

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(406): View more from Montana

I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period

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(802): View more from Vermont

She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand

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(302): View more from Delaware

On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.

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(971): View more from Oregon

you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.

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(315): View more from New York

She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her

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(309): View more from Illinois

Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures

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(714): View more from California

Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.

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(516): View more from New York

Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle

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(914): View more from New York

THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob

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(614): View more from Ohio

I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.

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(251): View more from Alabama

My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real

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(518): View more from New York

I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.

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(530): View more from California

Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.

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(561): View more from Florida

Woke up in time for my 8:15

(518): View more from New York

Good for you I'm impressed

(561): View more from Florida

I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester

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(514): View more from Quebec

OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!

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(360): View more from Washington

And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things

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(516): View more from New York

I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out

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(310): View more from California

I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.

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(586): View more from Michigan

My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.

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(212): View more from New York

LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.

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(972): View more from Texas

Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT

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(847): View more from Illinois

So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.

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(806): View more from Texas

I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.

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(518): View more from New York

you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh

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(502): View more from Kentucky

He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?

(256): View more from Alabama

absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.

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(614): View more from Ohio

You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.

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(917): View more from New York City

when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.

(917): View more from New York City

Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.

(347): View more from New York

he is a god among men.

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(914): View more from New York

Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.

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(425): View more from Washington

You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie

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(207): View more from Maine

My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"

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(330): View more from Ohio

STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?

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(850): View more from Florida

You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt

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(707): View more from California

I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?

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(802): View more from Vermont

Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.

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(319): View more from Iowa

She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...

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(253): View more from Washington

He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.

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(344): View more from

So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof

(774): View more from Massachusetts

They're waiting for you to die

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(360): View more from Washington

I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?

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(308): View more from Nebraska

In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.

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(518): View more from New York

That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.

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(916): View more from California

I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?

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(765): View more from Indiana

He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki

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(573): View more from Missouri

Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.

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(830): View more from Texas

I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god

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(574): View more from Indiana

can anyone on this campus do anything sober?

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(303): View more from Colorado

We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options

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(703): View more from Virginia

yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.

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(561): View more from Florida

Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.

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(713): View more from Texas

I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"

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(619): View more from California

Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.

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(602): View more from Arizona

This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...

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(540): View more from Virginia

So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend

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(718): View more from New York

I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"

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(812): View more from Indiana

I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.

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(914): View more from New York

Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.

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(757): View more from Virginia

you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.

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(425): View more from Washington

I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK

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(613): View more from Ontario

The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"

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(424): View more from California

Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?

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(330): View more from Ohio

If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?

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(607): View more from New York

you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."

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(630): View more from Illinois

I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...

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(630): View more from Illinois

you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"

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(702): View more from Nevada

But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!

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(804): View more from Virginia

If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.

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(216): View more from Ohio

if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.

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(434): View more from Virginia

They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH

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(772): View more from Florida

He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...

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(206): View more from Washington

I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close

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(208): View more from Idaho

he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"

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(512): View more from Texas

I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!

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(847): View more from Illinois

This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.

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(561): View more from Florida

She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.

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(703): View more from Virginia

We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team

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(904): View more from Florida

My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.

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(845): View more from New York

New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.

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(509): View more from Washington

Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...

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(862): View more from New Jersey

He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking

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(518): View more from New York

4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.

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(518): View more from New York

I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.

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(904): View more from Florida

You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.

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(770): View more from Georgia

He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.

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(316): View more from Kansas

I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.

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(804): View more from Virginia

My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.

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(518): View more from New York

he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.

(732): View more from New Jersey

do you still have it? i kinda want to see.

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(818): View more from California

I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project

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(520): View more from Arizona

She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.

(1-802): View more from Vermont

I hope you fall on your chin.

(802): View more from Vermont

Jealousy makes you ugly.

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(512): View more from Texas

Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.

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(805): View more from California

We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"

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(270): View more from Kentucky

him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.

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(760): View more from California

Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.

(818): View more from California

Because it is cat.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Did he at least offer you guys chips?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.

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(310): View more from California

i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now

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(614): View more from Ohio

he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns

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(518): View more from New York

Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.

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(315): View more from New York

That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"

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(716): View more from New York

you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"

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(404): View more from Georgia

Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center

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(860): View more from Connecticut

This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

(802): View more from Vermont

So basically you were a dog.

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(317): View more from Indiana

You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants

(812): View more from Indiana

That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted

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(805): View more from California

You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer

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(707): View more from California

Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.

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(802): View more from Vermont

You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?

(1-802): View more from Vermont

The one in Montpelier?

(802): View more from Vermont

yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow

(802): View more from Vermont

Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow

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(802): View more from Vermont

He's yummy.

(613): View more from Ontario

HE'S GAY. AND 40.

(802): View more from Vermont

Irrelevant.

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(802): View more from Vermont

he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife

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(802): View more from Vermont

Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table

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(440): View more from Ohio

I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again

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(703): View more from Virginia

Faces of meth called, they want their look back.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

Who in tha hell do u hang out with?

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(813): View more from Florida

I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?

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(563): View more from Iowa

You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.

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(214): View more from Texas

Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.

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(310): View more from California

I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.

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(514): View more from Quebec

so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.

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(661): View more from California

Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.

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(416): View more from Toronto

They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water

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(931): View more from Tennessee

THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING

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(903): View more from Texas

If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.

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(847): View more from Illinois

his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.

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(512): View more from Texas

I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra

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(607): View more from New York

I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

(315): View more from New York

Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.

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(818): View more from California

i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...

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(206): View more from Washington

What should our trivia night team be named?

(925): View more from California

Define Statutory

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(301): View more from Maryland

sorry

(304): View more from West Virginia

why?

(301): View more from Maryland

oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?

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(425): View more from Washington

Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.

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(419): View more from Ohio

We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later

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(916): View more from California

the gays at disneyland are vicious

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"

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(416): View more from Toronto

Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way

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(732): View more from New Jersey

When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.

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(785): View more from Kansas

God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.

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(518): View more from New York

I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.

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(619): View more from California

After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.

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(518): View more from New York

It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"

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(708): View more from Illinois

Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.

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(917): View more from New York City

After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.

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(510): View more from California

It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.

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(212): View more from New York

The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

(732): View more from New Jersey

like it was yesterday

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.

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(+61): View more from Australia

You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.

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(512): View more from Texas

he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"

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(302): View more from Delaware

didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official

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(415): View more from California

Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".

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(415): View more from California

Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.

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(214): View more from Texas

we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.

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(907): View more from Alaska

You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you

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(785): View more from Kansas

Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?

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(443): View more from Maryland

Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on

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(518): View more from New York

We left an ass print on the piano.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"

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(925): View more from California

370HSSV 0773H read that upside down

(1-925): View more from California

what are you doing with your life

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"

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(334): View more from Alabama

Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.

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(757): View more from Virginia

broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.

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(802): View more from Vermont

think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....

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(818): View more from California

I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!

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(904): View more from Florida

After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.

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(503): View more from Oregon

There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.

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(801): View more from Utah

I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.

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(516): View more from New York

Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...

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(816): View more from Missouri

We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.

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(905): View more from Toronto

I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

whose oscar?

(203): View more from Connecticut

the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.

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(214): View more from Texas

they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.

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(562): View more from California

Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop

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(813): View more from Florida

The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.

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(352): View more from Florida

I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.

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(315): View more from New York

He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.

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(587): View more from Alberta

The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...

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(925): View more from California

she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"

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(619): View more from California

Be still, my beating vagina.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.

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(313): View more from Michigan

At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out

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(417): View more from Missouri

I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.

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(314): View more from Missouri

don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.

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(440): View more from Ohio

im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.

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(707): View more from California

My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.

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(915): View more from Texas

at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?

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(207): View more from Maine

how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.

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(254): View more from Texas

I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.

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(613): View more from Ontario

She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.

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(804): View more from Virginia

she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.

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(613): View more from Ontario

you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels

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(678): View more from Georgia

did u really fuck my little sister???

(706): View more from Georgia

im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"

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(646): View more from New York

jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times

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(816): View more from Missouri

My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.

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(858): View more from California

the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too

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(802): View more from Vermont

that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight

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(802): View more from Vermont

you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it

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(802): View more from Vermont

I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."

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(802): View more from Vermont

Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?

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(802): View more from Vermont

Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.

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(802): View more from Vermont

He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?

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(319): View more from Iowa

i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.

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(650): View more from California

I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets

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(802): View more from Vermont

it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear

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(231): View more from Michigan

my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring

(989): View more from Michigan

i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me

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(224): View more from Illinois

his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.

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(516): View more from New York

i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes

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(310): View more from California

I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.

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(212): View more from New York

It's never good when you wake up covered with burns

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room

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(248): View more from Michigan

Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.

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(941): View more from Florida

I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.

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(516): View more from New York

Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.

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(360): View more from Washington

Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.

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(217): View more from Illinois

dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.

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(518): View more from New York

plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked

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(734): View more from Michigan

I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.

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(434): View more from Virginia

She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4

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(907): View more from Alaska

Tell me the dirtiest joke you know

(1-907): View more from Alaska

Sarah Palin

(907): View more from Alaska

god, I love you

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(949): View more from California

i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.

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(415): View more from California

Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.

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(760): View more from California

when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.

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(206): View more from Washington

I thought spray tan was a myth

(1-206): View more from Washington

?

(206): View more from Washington

You know, something that only happens in Jersey

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera

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(970): View more from Colorado

No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...

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(+61): View more from Australia

Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.

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(510): View more from California

Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.

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(815): View more from Illinois

im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine

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(865): View more from Tennessee

He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears

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(732): View more from New Jersey

we just fucked in the mcds parking lot

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

wasnt he a virgin

(732): View more from New Jersey

yes we got celebratory milkshakes after

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.

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(239): View more from Florida

I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"

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(315): View more from New York

i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor

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(802): View more from Vermont

I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.

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(239): View more from Florida

You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.

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(240): View more from Maryland

She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.

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(850): View more from Florida

What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?

(1-850): View more from Florida

Her vagina devoured it.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice

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(818): View more from California

She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....

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(518): View more from New York

College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.

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(518): View more from New York

You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."

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(631): View more from New York

Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized

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(917): View more from New York City

Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?

(212): View more from New York

Vagina

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator

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(315): View more from New York

JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...

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(360): View more from Washington

Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.

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(248): View more from Michigan

after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup

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(574): View more from Indiana

2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home

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(510): View more from California

I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.

(1-510): View more from California

It was probably Jesus.

(510): View more from California

I feel like he would have left a message.

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(516): View more from New York

my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall

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(619): View more from California

He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.

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(585): View more from New York

she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?

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(914): View more from New York

She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!

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(613): View more from Ontario

Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(650): View more from California

I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.

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(727): View more from Florida

Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?

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(479): View more from Arkansas

hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

what?

(479): View more from Arkansas

your penis

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(848): View more from New Jersey

I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.

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(631): View more from New York

She told me I should be a condom model.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.

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(714): View more from California

that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.

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(480): View more from Arizona

he seriously made his penis a facebook.

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(319): View more from Iowa

My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.

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(914): View more from New York

I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what

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(719): View more from Colorado

No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.

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(541): View more from Oregon

you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you

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(602): View more from Arizona

So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...

(623): View more from Arizona

What did she do!?

(602): View more from Arizona

I didn't tell her...

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?

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(904): View more from Florida

Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?

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(631): View more from New York

Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...

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(616): View more from Michigan

you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.

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(818): View more from California

I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.

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(631): View more from New York

peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york

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(914): View more from New York

does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?

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(219): View more from Indiana

ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.

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(559): View more from California

Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable

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(636): View more from Missouri

i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend

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(309): View more from Illinois

I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.

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(518): View more from New York

i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"

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(813): View more from Florida

Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??

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(815): View more from Illinois

i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.

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(773): View more from Illinois

She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in

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(443): View more from Maryland

I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..

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(573): View more from Missouri

Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.

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(914): View more from New York

whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.

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(432): View more from Texas

Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.

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(914): View more from New York

my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again

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(250): View more from British Columbia

But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong

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(281): View more from Texas

My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally

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(817): View more from Texas

After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.

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(561): View more from Florida

I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf

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(973): View more from New Jersey

who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?

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(207): View more from Maine

Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.

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(518): View more from New York

True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.

(1-518): View more from New York

True? Did she teach you things?

(518): View more from New York

She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

well..are you winning?

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(864): View more from South Carolina

If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

(828): View more from North Carolina

Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

(864): View more from South Carolina

Previous statement retracted.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting

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(352): View more from Florida

He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.

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(616): View more from Michigan

So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...

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(561): View more from Florida

Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.

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(303): View more from Colorado

this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.

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(802): View more from Vermont

You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now

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(510): View more from California

I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk

(415): View more from California

yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts

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(503): View more from Oregon

I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture

(1-336): View more from North Carolina

Glad to see your being a lady about this

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(519): View more from Ontario

Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches

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(203): View more from Connecticut

maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans

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(313): View more from Michigan

Spring semester is just not the same w/o you

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??

(713): View more from Texas

Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

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(512): View more from Texas

I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her

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(313): View more from Michigan

I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..

(313): View more from Michigan

I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..

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(630): View more from Illinois

Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me

(1-630): View more from Illinois

It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous

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(510): View more from California

i wonder if she has dreads down there too...

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(913): View more from Kansas

We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.

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(360): View more from Washington

And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.

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(720): View more from Colorado

He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."

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(802): View more from Vermont

she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.

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(303): View more from Colorado

The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened

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(541): View more from Oregon

Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.

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(347): View more from New York

It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.

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(660): View more from Missouri

I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.

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(410): View more from Maryland

well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.

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(239): View more from Florida

apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over

(314): View more from Missouri

you can't hurt those

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.

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(503): View more from Oregon

How did you steal an entire pie?

(602): View more from Arizona

I don't know. It's in my purse.

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(425): View more from Washington

My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed

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(650): View more from California

I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.

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(310): View more from California

I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him

(310): View more from California

its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.

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(416): View more from Toronto

At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?

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(619): View more from California

So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.

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(845): View more from New York

I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.

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(562): View more from California

It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.

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(620): View more from Kansas

I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.

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(807): View more from Ontario

at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.

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(631): View more from New York

judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.

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(702): View more from Nevada

was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars

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(440): View more from Ohio

if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life

(619): View more from California

with a huge shlong

(440): View more from Ohio

massive. i wanna make bitches cry

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(850): View more from Florida

come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.

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(353): View more from

I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number

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(773): View more from Illinois

Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.

(919): View more from North Carolina

If you're joking I'm going to be sad

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(516): View more from New York

you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.

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(845): View more from New York

It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i think my tv is drunk

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(626): View more from California

He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.

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(253): View more from Washington

um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?

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(931): View more from Tennessee

so today I found out that she used to be a he....

(1-931): View more from Tennessee

are you gonna get a divorce?

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(802): View more from Vermont

I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat

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(410): View more from Maryland

Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical

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(614): View more from Ohio

Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.

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(407): View more from Florida

He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.

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(626): View more from California

What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"

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(503): View more from Oregon

I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you

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(626): View more from California

i need an iv and a liver transplant

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(806): View more from Texas

If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut

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(858): View more from California

this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.

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(443): View more from Maryland

My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Who keeps a bong in their car??

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome

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(903): View more from Texas

I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.

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(561): View more from Florida

I am going to give you the keys to my place

(1-561): View more from Florida

Then I'll give you the keys to my heart

(561): View more from Florida

Gag me

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(860): View more from Connecticut

once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

im here for your entertainment

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(607): View more from New York

I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.

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(904): View more from Florida

I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...

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(732): View more from New Jersey

That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep

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(207): View more from Maine

She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke

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(905): View more from Ontario

I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

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(818): View more from California

Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics

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(520): View more from Arizona

The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.

(571): View more from Virginia

define virginity.

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(561): View more from Florida

I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on

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(619): View more from California

let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..

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(330): View more from Ohio

the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said

(770): View more from Georgia

she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to

(404): View more from Georgia

You KNEW her power was out...

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(317): View more from Indiana

disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.

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(907): View more from Alaska

We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.

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(209): View more from California

she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.

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(510): View more from California

Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor

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(971): View more from Oregon

We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...

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(310): View more from California

He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.

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(702): View more from Nevada

And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.

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(253): View more from Washington

once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months

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(310): View more from California

I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.

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(313): View more from Michigan

you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.

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(208): View more from Idaho

She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.

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(571): View more from Virginia

I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.

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(630): View more from Illinois

last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.

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(619): View more from California

all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank

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(660): View more from Missouri

THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.

(816): View more from Missouri

..So we should take it off Youtube?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets

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(312): View more from Illinois

I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.

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(325): View more from Texas

wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"

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(418): View more from Quebec

I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate

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(229): View more from Georgia

whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says

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(480): View more from Arizona

i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend

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(315): View more from New York

playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps

(315): View more from New York

warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey

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(207): View more from Maine

she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.

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(303): View more from Colorado

We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down

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(612): View more from Minnesota

we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.

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(44): View more from United Kingdom

Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?

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(614): View more from Ohio

I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"

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(216): View more from Ohio

This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.

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(415): View more from California

We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.

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(770): View more from Georgia

There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.

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(207): View more from Maine

you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom

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(313): View more from Michigan

Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.

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(619): View more from California

My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

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(631): View more from New York

I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.

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(520): View more from Arizona

I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.

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(757): View more from Virginia

She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.

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(949): View more from California

Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?

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(317): View more from Indiana

Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.

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(905): View more from Toronto

Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.

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(425): View more from Washington

my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.

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(386): View more from Florida

smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

i wish you could fill a pinata with booze

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(302): View more from Delaware

Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup

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(305): View more from Florida

Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies

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(773): View more from Illinois

so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse

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(408): View more from California

You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.

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(817): View more from Texas

I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out

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(425): View more from Washington

Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!

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(740): View more from Ohio

he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.

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(816): View more from Missouri

why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011

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(256): View more from Alabama

Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.

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(214): View more from Texas

don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"

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(623): View more from Arizona

So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.

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(850): View more from Florida

I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea

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(970): View more from Colorado

she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener

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(801): View more from Utah

We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR

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(616): View more from Michigan

Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.

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(330): View more from Ohio

i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision

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(409): View more from Texas

Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.

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(720): View more from Colorado

the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.

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(248): View more from Michigan

i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia

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(905): View more from Toronto

so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.

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(909): View more from California

If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?

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(404): View more from Georgia

we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?

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(517): View more from Michigan

He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine

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(510): View more from California

note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.

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(301): View more from Maryland

There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting

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(518): View more from New York

I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.

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(858): View more from California

while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa

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(226): View more from Ontario

I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Where were you when I was single???

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

Still in diapers.

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(513): View more from Ohio

She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.

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(425): View more from Washington

Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.

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(512): View more from Texas

I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.

(1-512): View more from Texas

Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply

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(908): View more from New Jersey

ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?

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(775): View more from Nevada

they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.

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(319): View more from Iowa

The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.

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(734): View more from Michigan

; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up

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(914): View more from New York

shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness

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(256): View more from Alabama

i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

dude how high are you right now?

(256): View more from Alabama

do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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(813): View more from Florida

I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???

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(562): View more from California

trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"

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(626): View more from California

i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen

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(614): View more from Ohio

she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style

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(815): View more from Illinois

So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone

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(513): View more from Ohio

New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me

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(707): View more from California

I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress

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(817): View more from Texas

I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .

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(631): View more from New York

Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"

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(480): View more from Arizona

I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.

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(706): View more from Georgia

She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.

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(705): View more from Ontario

All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter

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(443): View more from Maryland

her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"

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(916): View more from California

Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand

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(704): View more from North Carolina

It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.

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(559): View more from California

the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well

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(757): View more from Virginia

It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch

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(937): View more from Ohio

i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.

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(315): View more from New York

I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.

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(480): View more from Arizona

i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....

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(407): View more from Florida

I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly

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(404): View more from Georgia

Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?

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(802): View more from Vermont

i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.

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(734): View more from Michigan

The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again

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(240): View more from Maryland

We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.

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(239): View more from Florida

Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way

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(254): View more from Texas

she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

You don't have asthma, your pregnant

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.

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(480): View more from Arizona

she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(404): View more from Georgia

Ben's a prick.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

What Ben are you talking about?

(404): View more from Georgia

All the bens across all the lands

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(518): View more from New York

and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis

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(510): View more from California

EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!

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(480): View more from Arizona

Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.

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(712): View more from Iowa

buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"

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(813): View more from Florida

It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.

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(206): View more from Washington

At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?

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(828): View more from North Carolina

As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.

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(319): View more from Iowa

you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met

(1-319): View more from Iowa

thanks it was an honor just to be nominated

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."

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(970): View more from Colorado

Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"

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(513): View more from Ohio

CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....

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(765): View more from Indiana

She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed

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(843): View more from South Carolina

when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.

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(802): View more from Vermont

he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.

(1-802): View more from Vermont

it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.

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(802): View more from Vermont

She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?

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(404): View more from Georgia

I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.

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(207): View more from Maine

I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.

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(303): View more from Colorado

She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole

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(512): View more from Texas

Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.

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(914): View more from New York

My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.

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(312): View more from Illinois

...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????

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(914): View more from New York

I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.

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(760): View more from California

my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...

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(313): View more from Michigan

Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you

(248): View more from Michigan

Gross. gingers suck

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(503): View more from Oregon

Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on

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(865): View more from Tennessee

she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty

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(760): View more from California

Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.

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(512): View more from Texas

I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.

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(281): View more from Texas

Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.

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(440): View more from Ohio

i wish there were pregnant emoticons

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(602): View more from Arizona

just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish

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(801): View more from Utah

If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.

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(914): View more from New York

I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me

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(609): View more from New Jersey

there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them

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(512): View more from Texas

he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.

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(214): View more from Texas

The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.

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(619): View more from California

You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.

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(480): View more from Arizona

How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?

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(406): View more from Montana

Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night

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(574): View more from Indiana

Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.

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(720): View more from Colorado

She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.

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(618): View more from Illinois

The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.

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(914): View more from New York

at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game

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(937): View more from Ohio

you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.

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(206): View more from Washington

i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.

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(941): View more from Florida

Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?

(1-941): View more from Florida

Wow! You need to get laid.

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(905): View more from Toronto

Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..

(1-905): View more from Toronto

With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.

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(541): View more from Oregon

So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap

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(631): View more from New York

You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.

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(406): View more from Montana

So, how was the dinner

(1-406): View more from Montana

Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.

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(408): View more from California

She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...

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(330): View more from Ohio

hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.

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(631): View more from New York

I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...

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(281): View more from Texas

I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.

(936): View more from Texas

haha now u have to piss out ur bum

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(517): View more from Michigan

we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night

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(440): View more from Ohio

I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood

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(248): View more from Michigan

That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.

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(571): View more from Virginia

What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.

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(815): View more from Illinois

He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?

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(712): View more from Iowa

I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you

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(360): View more from Washington

I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?

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(703): View more from Virginia

of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.

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(805): View more from California

he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.

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(937): View more from Ohio

talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.

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(316): View more from Kansas

I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.

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(650): View more from California

OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.

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(917): View more from New York City

I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.

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(303): View more from Colorado

theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...

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(224): View more from Illinois

Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.

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(323): View more from California

I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.

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(914): View more from New York

And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.

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(912): View more from Georgia

i woke up with socks on this morning

(485): View more from

so?

(912): View more from Georgia

i didnt wear socks last night

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other

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(217): View more from Illinois

Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.

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(256): View more from Alabama

do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!

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(714): View more from California

Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?

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(703): View more from Virginia

yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

well i fucked her too, so yes.

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(630): View more from Illinois

dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.

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(817): View more from Texas

God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far

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(707): View more from California

He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".

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(925): View more from California

He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me

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(207): View more from Maine

Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?

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(530): View more from California

The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.

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(480): View more from Arizona

i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone

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(+86): View more from China

Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am

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(518): View more from New York

I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.

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(443): View more from Maryland

the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20

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(347): View more from New York

These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.

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(305): View more from Florida

I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.

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(212): View more from New York

that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment

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(714): View more from California

First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?

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(516): View more from New York

sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance

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(919): View more from North Carolina

He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.

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(650): View more from California

I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"

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(937): View more from Ohio

I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.

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(740): View more from Ohio

you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving

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(440): View more from Ohio

I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet

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(973): View more from New Jersey

pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF

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(330): View more from Ohio

This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer

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(207): View more from Maine

Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy

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(585): View more from New York

you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish

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(253): View more from Washington

You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!

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(604): View more from British Columbia

The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..

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(757): View more from Virginia

I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"

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(210): View more from Texas

I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.

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(+30): View more from

Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage

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(810): View more from Michigan

I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.

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(702): View more from Nevada

We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?

(1-702): View more from Nevada

Yes and so do I

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(315): View more from New York

That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...

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(317): View more from Indiana

Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.

(917): View more from New York City

me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.

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(626): View more from California

Dignity is for republicans.

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(940): View more from Texas

going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"

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(315): View more from New York

And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.

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(702): View more from Nevada

i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life

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(810): View more from Michigan

Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

Thanks dad.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush

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(206): View more from Washington

I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.

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(917): View more from New York City

yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.

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(301): View more from Maryland

i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c

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(707): View more from California

My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."

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(708): View more from Illinois

She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.

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(713): View more from Texas

I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.

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(951): View more from California

I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.

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(206): View more from Washington

I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!

(253): View more from Washington

Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...

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(913): View more from Kansas

Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.

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(916): View more from California

she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?

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(310): View more from California

My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.

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(210): View more from Texas

OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.

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(303): View more from Colorado

we're about an hour out, how's the weather?

(720): View more from Colorado

cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night

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(425): View more from Washington

I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.

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(916): View more from California

i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable

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(319): View more from Iowa

He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle

(648): View more from

Since when is drunk an angle?

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(619): View more from California

i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die

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(585): View more from New York

remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.

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(951): View more from California

His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format

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(201): View more from New Jersey

she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Say something about gay babies.

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(407): View more from Florida

If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.

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(515): View more from Iowa

the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me

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(330): View more from Ohio

come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned

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(415): View more from California

sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion

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(636): View more from Missouri

It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok

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(845): View more from New York

if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian

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(732): View more from New Jersey

we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.

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(234): View more from Ohio

If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes

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(757): View more from Virginia

Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'

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(416): View more from Toronto

You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky

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(281): View more from Texas

Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations

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(281): View more from Texas

thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.

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(734): View more from Michigan

THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?

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(810): View more from Michigan

GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"

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(303): View more from Colorado

wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil

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(404): View more from Georgia

Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.

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(760): View more from California

I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass

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(404): View more from Georgia

he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?

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(702): View more from Nevada

Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.

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(714): View more from California

after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles

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(708): View more from Illinois

just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.

(732): View more from New Jersey

sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner

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(404): View more from Georgia

you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.

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(239): View more from Florida

Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...

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(732): View more from New Jersey

been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college

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(913): View more from Kansas

if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad

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(925): View more from California

it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.

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(678): View more from Georgia

apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko

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(305): View more from Florida

he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink

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(309): View more from Illinois

I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me

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(510): View more from California

just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?

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(630): View more from Illinois

I wonder if you can snort coke upside down

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(208): View more from Idaho

Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

since when the fuck is that glamorous?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!

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(845): View more from New York

weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...

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(573): View more from Missouri

Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it

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(360): View more from Washington

I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend

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(360): View more from Washington

She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".

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(469): View more from Texas

FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.

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(360): View more from Washington

Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.

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(347): View more from New York

today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud

(917): View more from New York City

it's sad that this is a milestone

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(310): View more from California

The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.

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(518): View more from New York

it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone

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(206): View more from Washington

It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to

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(708): View more from Illinois

I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them

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(919): View more from North Carolina

its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.

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(602): View more from Arizona

for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.

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(850): View more from Florida

2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.

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(613): View more from Ontario

And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.

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(713): View more from Texas

Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?

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(315): View more from New York

I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.

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(254): View more from Texas

Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?

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(516): View more from New York

I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship

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(256): View more from Alabama

she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump

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(647): View more from Ontario

Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!

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(432): View more from Texas

He looks like he has a penis

(210): View more from Texas

What the fuck

(432): View more from Texas

A good one, a good penis

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(425): View more from Washington

four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone

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(903): View more from Texas

I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf

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(253): View more from Washington

i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.

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(518): View more from New York

I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward

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(406): View more from Montana

One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?

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(631): View more from New York

He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.

(205): View more from Alabama

I hate freshman.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.

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(802): View more from Vermont

My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".

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(219): View more from Indiana

I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...

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(760): View more from California

Why is your vibrator in the fridge?

(1-760): View more from California

I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.

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(714): View more from California

i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Come over? It's my birthday

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

How many times has that text failed you tonight?

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(785): View more from Kansas

Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.

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(518): View more from New York

I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.

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(650): View more from California

You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"

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(734): View more from Michigan

Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.

(586): View more from Michigan

You raise a valid concern

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(716): View more from New York

You can't have your penis and eat it, too.

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(207): View more from Maine

FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.

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(845): View more from New York

i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out

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(630): View more from Illinois

He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.

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(626): View more from California

All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.

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(408): View more from California

I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.

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(773): View more from Illinois

grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.

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(818): View more from California

Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around

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(214): View more from Texas

she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

That doesn't help me much...

(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm right under the moon!

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(703): View more from Virginia

the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression

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(410): View more from Maryland

Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?

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(318): View more from Louisiana

He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.

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(513): View more from Ohio

she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."

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(212): View more from New York

Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk

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(651): View more from Minnesota

The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion

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(309): View more from Illinois

ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday

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(614): View more from Ohio

every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?

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(516): View more from New York

There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.

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(315): View more from New York

i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.

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(443): View more from Maryland

they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.

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(914): View more from New York

Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME

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(646): View more from New York

Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed

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(315): View more from New York

MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!

(315): View more from New York

AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!

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(585): View more from New York

Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.

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(516): View more from New York

Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me

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(740): View more from Ohio

well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."

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(908): View more from New Jersey

was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.

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(587): View more from Alberta

She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.

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(480): View more from Arizona

... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?

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(605): View more from South Dakota

You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...

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(949): View more from California

i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day

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(919): View more from North Carolina

we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Did I show you my penis last night?

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(512): View more from Texas

She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman

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(805): View more from California

I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.

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(937): View more from Ohio

love makes seman taste better

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i always forget guys have bellybuttons

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(919): View more from North Carolina

What are we going to do tonight?

(704): View more from North Carolina

What we try to do every night. Take over the world

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.

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(254): View more from Texas

oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick

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(702): View more from Nevada

Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?

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(586): View more from Michigan

he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.

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(937): View more from Ohio

how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.

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(806): View more from Texas

with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.

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(212): View more from New York

You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You look like a girl that would like strip clubs

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(716): View more from New York

Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back

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(513): View more from Ohio

i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you

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(907): View more from Alaska

It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.

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(540): View more from Virginia

we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated

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(812): View more from Indiana

I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.

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(519): View more from Ontario

oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.

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(512): View more from Texas

I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

fuck the hobbit

(301): View more from Maryland

what about unicorns?

(732): View more from New Jersey

fuck those pointy horses

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(601): View more from Mississippi

It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...

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(317): View more from Indiana

The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

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(509): View more from Washington

Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.

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(585): View more from New York

we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"

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(704): View more from North Carolina

she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm chasing vodka with french fries.

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(757): View more from Virginia

You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.

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(310): View more from California

...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."

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(757): View more from Virginia

yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.

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(765): View more from Indiana

the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....

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(678): View more from Georgia

Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.

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(310): View more from California

While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!

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(510): View more from California

Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.

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(205): View more from Alabama

i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.

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(850): View more from Florida

"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?

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(830): View more from Texas

Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!

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(702): View more from Nevada

I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.

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(850): View more from Florida

I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?

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(954): View more from Florida

i just sent this text using only my big toe

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(310): View more from California

i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.

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(540): View more from Virginia

just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever

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(210): View more from Texas

I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.

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(214): View more from Texas

i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways

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(719): View more from Colorado

You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.

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(585): View more from New York

Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello

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(312): View more from Illinois

My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it

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(519): View more from Ontario

he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it

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(908): View more from New Jersey

where's my purse there's an important taco in it

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(303): View more from Colorado

One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?

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(802): View more from Vermont

Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.

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(519): View more from Ontario

he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes

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(519): View more from Ontario

He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.

(604): View more from British Columbia

HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.

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(573): View more from Missouri

my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.

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(607): View more from New York

he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him

(313): View more from Michigan

at least he gets points for a creative booty call

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(360): View more from Washington

did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.

(425): View more from Washington

some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.

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(313): View more from Michigan

So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...

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(443): View more from Maryland

party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there

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(206): View more from Washington

puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store

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(864): View more from South Carolina

she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY

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(818): View more from California

Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks

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(845): View more from New York

I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so

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(631): View more from New York

our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.

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(949): View more from California

Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.

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(760): View more from California

Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?

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(980): View more from North Carolina

I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.

(704): View more from North Carolina

oh, you finally did the dishes then?

(980): View more from North Carolina

No, bought new ones.

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(805): View more from California

found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.

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(912): View more from Georgia

This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.

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(708): View more from Illinois

You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.

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(817): View more from Texas

I showed him my bush... on skype.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control

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(631): View more from New York

I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

I don't want you to recite the pledge!

(631): View more from New York

Pledge alligien to america to united states of america

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(740): View more from Ohio

i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation

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(214): View more from Texas

So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far

(713): View more from Texas

Sounds better than last semester

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(586): View more from Michigan

he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.

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(315): View more from New York

its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus

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(407): View more from Florida

I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.

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(727): View more from Florida

You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.

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(850): View more from Florida

the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...

(1-850): View more from Florida

that makes sense.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now

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(972): View more from Texas

You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'

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(845): View more from New York

he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.

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(519): View more from Ontario

You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings

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(703): View more from Virginia

relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks

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(407): View more from Florida

She even gives head with a lisp.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.

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(818): View more from California

Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.

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(226): View more from Ontario

This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon

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(937): View more from Ohio

Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date

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(713): View more from Texas

You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...

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(847): View more from Illinois

everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.

(224): View more from Illinois

it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?

(760): View more from California

You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.

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(815): View more from Illinois

It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.

(1-513): View more from Ohio

She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.

(513): View more from Ohio

She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.

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(305): View more from Florida

considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?

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(702): View more from Nevada

I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.

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(706): View more from Georgia

yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning

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(515): View more from Iowa

there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.

(1-515): View more from Iowa

yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?

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(573): View more from Missouri

My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.

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(432): View more from Texas

Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?

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(845): View more from New York

Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...

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(586): View more from Michigan

so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.

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(713): View more from Texas

Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.

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(404): View more from Georgia

What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.

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(214): View more from Texas

Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.

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(757): View more from Virginia

she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...

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(578): View more from

oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you

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(856): View more from New Jersey

there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her

(732): View more from New Jersey

Clearly I went along with it

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay

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(757): View more from Virginia

we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

the snow is so cold on my vagina.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

why do you have snow on your vagina?

(580): View more from Oklahoma

vodka and heels.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on

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(313): View more from Michigan

I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.

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(914): View more from New York

is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?

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(937): View more from Ohio

oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing

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(904): View more from Florida

He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE

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(239): View more from Florida

just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank

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(812): View more from Indiana

Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well

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(310): View more from California

I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him

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(248): View more from Michigan

I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea

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(314): View more from Missouri

shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!

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(815): View more from Illinois

Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!

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(253): View more from Washington

Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.

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(630): View more from Illinois

she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her

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(512): View more from Texas

We need a plan...

(1-512): View more from Texas

Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark

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(301): View more from Maryland

dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow

(410): View more from Maryland

so basically your not goin out tonight?

(301): View more from Maryland

who said that?

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(519): View more from Ontario

Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"

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(616): View more from Michigan

you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way

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(864): View more from South Carolina

We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet

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(678): View more from Georgia

I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.

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(925): View more from California

so explain again why im purple

(617): View more from Massachusetts

no

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(917): View more from New York City

I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.

(917): View more from New York City

Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.

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(631): View more from New York

But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.

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(516): View more from New York

doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself

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(770): View more from Georgia

I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.

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(631): View more from New York

I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude

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(303): View more from Colorado

So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.

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(512): View more from Texas

There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.

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(303): View more from Colorado

maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."

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(203): View more from Connecticut

well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???

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(914): View more from New York

She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.

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(305): View more from Florida

I just saw a hot homeless man

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(678): View more from Georgia

Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Intervention is following me on twitter.

(440): View more from Ohio

wow.

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(707): View more from California

I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n

(559): View more from California

sry, psychiatrist trumps professor

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(609): View more from New Jersey

friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.

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(410): View more from Maryland

no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

what if every blade of grass was a penis?

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Actions speak louder than pants.

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(845): View more from New York

Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations

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(970): View more from Colorado

I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO

(908): View more from New Jersey

dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me

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(805): View more from California

He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.

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(518): View more from New York

Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.

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(703): View more from Virginia

my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming

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(647): View more from Ontario

I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.

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(940): View more from Texas

good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

She announced her abortion via fbk

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(850): View more from Florida

I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween

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(434): View more from Virginia

I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.

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(770): View more from Georgia

You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.

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(818): View more from California

i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...

(805): View more from California

i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"

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(386): View more from Florida

It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!

(508): View more from Massachusetts

because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.

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(818): View more from California

They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...

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(201): View more from New Jersey

A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.

(1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

This is why we're friends.

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(815): View more from Illinois

We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.

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(406): View more from Montana

Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?

(1-216): View more from Ohio

Lol no its called college

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(425): View more from Washington

It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.

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(949): View more from California

Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.

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(425): View more from Washington

If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab

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(269): View more from Michigan

Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...

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(860): View more from Connecticut

yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her

(860): View more from Connecticut

but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"

(860): View more from Connecticut

but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies

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(503): View more from Oregon

I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it

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(615): View more from Tennessee

He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?

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(703): View more from Virginia

is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?

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(312): View more from Illinois

Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.

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(310): View more from California

Slut skills are useful in every country.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck

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(209): View more from California

do you want me to make hamburgers?

(541): View more from Oregon

i'm vegan

(209): View more from California

i'll put lettuce on them

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(310): View more from California

YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012

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(231): View more from Michigan

Could you please tell me why If you were a 21 year old man why you would want to sleep with a girl who has tinkerbell bedding?

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(702): View more from Nevada

did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.

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(310): View more from California

I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.

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(817): View more from Texas

idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on

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(763): View more from Minnesota

The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.

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(905): View more from Ontario

MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.

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(917): View more from New York City

i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany

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(213): View more from California

I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.

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(248): View more from Michigan

whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

be more specific...?

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(936): View more from Texas

Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.

(1-936): View more from Texas

Can I eat your pillow?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So many bounce houses so little time

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

he asked me to hangout with him...and his son

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(503): View more from Oregon

Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.

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(407): View more from Florida

i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed

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(281): View more from Texas

i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy

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(619): View more from California

My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.

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(905): View more from Ontario

oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...

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(219): View more from Indiana

talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen

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(515): View more from Iowa

just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.

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(805): View more from California

Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.

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(641): View more from Iowa

FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER

(1-641): View more from Iowa

STOP listening to that song

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.

(376): View more from

you are insane

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(566): View more from

According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !

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(404): View more from Georgia

Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands

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(518): View more from New York

are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.

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(518): View more from New York

I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide

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(734): View more from Michigan

Wish you were here....

(734): View more from Michigan

And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

How did you manage that?

(860): View more from Connecticut

Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis

(203): View more from Connecticut

lol... jersey girls rock

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.

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(419): View more from Ohio

The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .

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(206): View more from Washington

All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.

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(415): View more from California

This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.

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(415): View more from California

Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.

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(310): View more from California

I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning

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(248): View more from Michigan

so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience

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(336): View more from North Carolina

This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I don't remember. Are we still dating?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Umm..who the fuck is this?

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Oh shit

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(941): View more from Florida

Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to

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(708): View more from Illinois

Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.

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(650): View more from California

We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign

(562): View more from California

You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo

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(818): View more from California

i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.

(615): View more from Tennessee

Heaven soaked bacon.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

he's my edward cullen

(770): View more from Georgia

I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.

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(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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(740): View more from Ohio

worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.

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(518): View more from New York

He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.

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(206): View more from Washington

i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.

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(847): View more from Illinois

At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.

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(313): View more from Michigan

They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.

(313): View more from Michigan

Something like a penis light saber.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off

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(541): View more from Oregon

Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.

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(303): View more from Colorado

dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.

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(805): View more from California

singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful

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(810): View more from Michigan

you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day

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(301): View more from Maryland

It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.

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(613): View more from Ontario

he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you

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(509): View more from Washington

I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I think I can smell my own vagina right now

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(305): View more from Florida

The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.

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(312): View more from Illinois

i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'

(312): View more from Illinois

i was like PREG?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung

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(908): View more from New Jersey

im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Do they take checks?

(1-606): View more from Kentucky

Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night

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(214): View more from Texas

just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis

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(860): View more from Connecticut

we've started having sober sex

(203): View more from Connecticut

you really do like him

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(310): View more from California

Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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(305): View more from Florida

He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake

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(647): View more from Ontario

all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

(905): View more from Ontario

You're fat. Stop making excuses

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(512): View more from Texas

Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis

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(207): View more from Maine

You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.

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(802): View more from Vermont

my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...

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(906): View more from Michigan

I seriously wish I was FB friends with her

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.

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(256): View more from Alabama

this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..

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(740): View more from Ohio

I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream

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(615): View more from Tennessee

She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory

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(276): View more from Virginia

I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem

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(443): View more from Maryland

i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends

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(702): View more from Nevada

I love you!

(323): View more from California

You're insane

(702): View more from Nevada

Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!

(702): View more from Nevada

Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.

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(419): View more from Ohio

There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around

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(336): View more from North Carolina

life is too short to starve

(678): View more from Georgia

life is also too short to be fat

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(614): View more from Ohio

I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.

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(561): View more from Florida

i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM

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(310): View more from California

Ambien. No doubt about it.

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(209): View more from California

she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook

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(503): View more from Oregon

do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.

(608): View more from Wisconsin

Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.

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(641): View more from Iowa

I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.

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(503): View more from Oregon

So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.

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(815): View more from Illinois

just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?

(1-218): View more from Minnesota

Both?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.

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(530): View more from California

I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.

(1-530): View more from California

fuck. you.

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(206): View more from Washington

And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny

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(415): View more from California

Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.

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(281): View more from Texas

So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?

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(515): View more from Iowa

i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!

(1-404): View more from Georgia

what drugs are you on?

(404): View more from Georgia

none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit

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(214): View more from Texas

does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??

(817): View more from Texas

dude, everything can mix, this is college.

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(650): View more from California

just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.

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(251): View more from Alabama

Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name

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(347): View more from New York

apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.

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(703): View more from Virginia

look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys

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(205): View more from Alabama

Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

fair is fair

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(303): View more from Colorado

I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college

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(734): View more from Michigan

So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.

(810): View more from Michigan

You're 20.

(734): View more from Michigan

IT'S BUILD A BEAR!

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(315): View more from New York

Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"

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(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

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(248): View more from Michigan

Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox

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(732): View more from New Jersey

on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card

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(813): View more from Florida

Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.

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(818): View more from California

I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?

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(516): View more from New York

I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen

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(562): View more from California

it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..

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(318): View more from Louisiana

the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.

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(661): View more from California

It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.

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(845): View more from New York

I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.

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(954): View more from Florida

I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.

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(516): View more from New York

the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY

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(248): View more from Michigan

it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar

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(925): View more from California

Wait, how do girls masturbate?

(1-925): View more from California

I dunno we use shower heads I guess.

(925): View more from California

..how does it fit?

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(904): View more from Florida

i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.

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(419): View more from Ohio

he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis

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(214): View more from Texas

Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.

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(805): View more from California

i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES

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(314): View more from Missouri

I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?

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(209): View more from California

he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.

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(571): View more from Virginia

i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days

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(305): View more from Florida

i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere

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(936): View more from Texas

you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"

(1-936): View more from Texas

I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...

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(480): View more from Arizona

ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result

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(561): View more from Florida

Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?

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(925): View more from California

I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me

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(410): View more from Maryland

i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"

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(434): View more from Virginia

ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl

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(585): View more from New York

broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.

(716): View more from New York

you're writing country songs now?

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(618): View more from Illinois

bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented

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(804): View more from Virginia

VAGINAS EVERYWHERE

(804): View more from Virginia

they're staring at me

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(305): View more from Florida

He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.

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(408): View more from California

We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.

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(602): View more from Arizona

hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad

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(972): View more from Texas

If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You love popeyes more than me

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?

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(208): View more from Idaho

I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.

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(925): View more from California

Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck

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(845): View more from New York

I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him

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(850): View more from Florida

Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.

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(802): View more from Vermont

and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?

(1-802): View more from Vermont

not the response he usually gets im sure.

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(518): View more from New York

I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?

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(440): View more from Ohio

i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth

(330): View more from Ohio

well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice

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(914): View more from New York

Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.

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(541): View more from Oregon

She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...

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(802): View more from Vermont

Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.

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(310): View more from California

His dick was poking my bladder. That big...

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(305): View more from Florida

look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.

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(510): View more from California

Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.

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(207): View more from Maine

So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.

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(314): View more from Missouri

DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??

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(732): View more from New Jersey

apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"

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(256): View more from Alabama

you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

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(513): View more from Ohio

the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!

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(404): View more from Georgia

It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.

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(443): View more from Maryland

This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.

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(518): View more from New York

he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."

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(253): View more from Washington

Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.

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(562): View more from California

you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.

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(210): View more from Texas

I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.

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(845): View more from New York

I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....

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(408): View more from California

Maybe my heart is located in my vagina

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(512): View more from Texas

New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.

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(512): View more from Texas

Can Purell be used as lube?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick

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(614): View more from Ohio

Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is

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(952): View more from Minnesota

he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.

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(775): View more from Nevada

What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?

(1-775): View more from Nevada

A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!

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(510): View more from California

i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me

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(905): View more from Toronto

I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater

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(615): View more from Tennessee

it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..

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(972): View more from Texas

It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people

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(907): View more from Alaska

started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.

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(613): View more from Ontario

my text book just quoted the cookie monster

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'

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(650): View more from California

Get your hand out of your ass!

(734): View more from Michigan

how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?

(650): View more from California

In your belly button

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(310): View more from California

This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.

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(317): View more from Indiana

He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.

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(631): View more from New York

U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?

(248): View more from Michigan

ya, gonna go have sex there?

(631): View more from New York

No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home

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(818): View more from California

actually, I'm a sock model

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(206): View more from Washington

He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look

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(256): View more from Alabama

'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

who is canola oil?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you're an idiot.

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(571): View more from Virginia

shaved balls and baby powder=awesome

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(931): View more from Tennessee

she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.

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(706): View more from Georgia

If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore

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(540): View more from Virginia

For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.

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(619): View more from California

i wish my penis had a tongue

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

tell him to stop quoting family guy

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(949): View more from California

went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.

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(410): View more from Maryland

i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'

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(561): View more from Florida

Bad news is he broke up with me via text message

(561): View more from Florida

But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville

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(646): View more from New York

its my first week of college and i have a UTI

(718): View more from New York

not easy being a whore now is it

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(816): View more from Missouri

you were mass sexting so we took your phone away

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(352): View more from Florida

Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"

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(760): View more from California

Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.

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(303): View more from Colorado

and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster

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(917): View more from New York City

M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

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(310): View more from California

He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.

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(254): View more from Texas

that's what penises do

(254): View more from Texas

they tell lies.

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(818): View more from California

two words...techno handjob

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year

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(732): View more from New Jersey

It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.

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(571): View more from Virginia

i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things

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(510): View more from California

I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I take back everything I said about communal showers

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(248): View more from Michigan

i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.

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(916): View more from California

I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...

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(704): View more from North Carolina

someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation

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(302): View more from Delaware

because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.

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(206): View more from Washington

obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.

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(802): View more from Vermont

hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up

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(919): View more from North Carolina

sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.

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(845): View more from New York

it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you tipped EVERY employee at white castle

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(908): View more from New Jersey

can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.

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(845): View more from New York

i can't find my house

(1-845): View more from New York

we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

(845): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure my house moved.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.

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(845): View more from New York

The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first

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(212): View more from New York

Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!

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(732): View more from New Jersey

mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign

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(816): View more from Missouri

I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless

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(303): View more from Colorado

she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"

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(248): View more from Michigan

Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore

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(626): View more from California

You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.

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(419): View more from Ohio

mustard is like jesus in yellow tights

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i dont know what to do

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

with your life?

(732): View more from New Jersey

no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3

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(802): View more from Vermont

i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke

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(732): View more from New Jersey

all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I just found puke in my bra..

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it

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(818): View more from California

I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.

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(845): View more from New York

We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..

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(818): View more from California

Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.

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(214): View more from Texas

What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her

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(678): View more from Georgia

Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?

(1-678): View more from Georgia

630.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.

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(925): View more from California

She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.

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(941): View more from Florida

CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.

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(850): View more from Florida

I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.

(571): View more from Virginia

was that a mass text??

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(563): View more from Iowa

he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes

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(708): View more from Illinois

Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.

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(770): View more from Georgia

She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.

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(914): View more from New York

Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him

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(415): View more from California

SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!

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(352): View more from Florida

we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....

(732): View more from New Jersey

This explains a lot.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I sold my books for weed money!

(302): View more from Delaware

Finals don't start for a week...

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(802): View more from Vermont

I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.

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(802): View more from Vermont

We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."

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(802): View more from Vermont

I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.

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(802): View more from Vermont

i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer

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(732): View more from New Jersey

just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore

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(732): View more from New Jersey

On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'

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(810): View more from Michigan

i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.

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(440): View more from Ohio

sarcasm needs its own font

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(847): View more from Illinois

after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."

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(719): View more from Colorado

There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.

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(559): View more from California

Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

good thing vaginas are great cup holders

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(419): View more from Ohio

The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.

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(208): View more from Idaho

She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.

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(585): View more from New York

i'm signing you up for texting rehab

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(313): View more from Michigan

How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...

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(970): View more from Colorado

Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.

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(212): View more from New York

yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"

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(812): View more from Indiana

We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it

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(210): View more from Texas

happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.

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(760): View more from California

She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.

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(813): View more from Florida

We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.

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(716): View more from New York

Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?

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(706): View more from Georgia

Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later

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(817): View more from Texas

At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.

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(801): View more from Utah

He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?

(636): View more from Missouri

anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence

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(509): View more from Washington

I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it

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(904): View more from Florida

bring the vodka.

(1-904): View more from Florida

i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?

(904): View more from Florida

we are.

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(407): View more from Florida

I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.

(404): View more from Georgia

you should get a family discount.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight

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(207): View more from Maine

i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like

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(317): View more from Indiana

and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way

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(540): View more from Virginia

I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.

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(905): View more from Ontario

The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.

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(530): View more from California

I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(256): View more from Alabama

Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(703): View more from Virginia

How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that

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(330): View more from Ohio

theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.

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(845): View more from New York

the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did

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(914): View more from New York

My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.

(845): View more from New York

She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?

(914): View more from New York

well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey

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(303): View more from Colorado

Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher

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(319): View more from Iowa

we need to stop having unprotected sex.

(1-319): View more from Iowa

ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.

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(514): View more from Quebec

The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He told me they were just razor bumps!

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(203): View more from Connecticut

is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??

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(203): View more from Connecticut

there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): View more from New York

pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."

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