Texts From Last Night · emel0612's Favorites

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emel0612's Favorites Texts:

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(501): View more from Arkansas

instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I hugged the bouncer as we left.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night

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(440): View more from Ohio

made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.

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(330): View more from Ohio

This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I need vitamin water and Jesus :/

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(607): View more from New York

Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.

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(817): View more from Texas

I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night

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(270): View more from Kentucky

i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.

(618): View more from Illinois

dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.

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(574): View more from Indiana

I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??

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(650): View more from California

Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.

(857): View more from Massachusetts

Only if you died obviously.

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(410): View more from Maryland

he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches

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(541): View more from Oregon

for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college

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(716): View more from New York

He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey

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(925): View more from California

Drunk texting is the poetry of my life

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(248): View more from Michigan

IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.

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(226): View more from Ontario

You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"

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(425): View more from Washington

Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero

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(303): View more from Colorado

We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.

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(818): View more from California

I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(425): View more from Washington

THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs

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(256): View more from Alabama

Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.

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(720): View more from Colorado

My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

there's a liquor store near my therapist

(617): View more from Massachusetts

i might give it a shot.

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(845): View more from New York

And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.

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(914): View more from New York

shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness

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(330): View more from Ohio

i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(949): View more from California

i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit

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(865): View more from Tennessee

You are my mentor.

(276): View more from Virginia

I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.

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(210): View more from Texas

Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.

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(727): View more from Florida

It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian

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(216): View more from Ohio

I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex

(216): View more from Ohio

Never mind I found pizza just bring sex

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.

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(253): View more from Washington

If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.

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(713): View more from Texas

Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.

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(916): View more from California

But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises

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(314): View more from Missouri

Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches

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(850): View more from Florida

Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.

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(415): View more from California

Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up

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(310): View more from California

We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating

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(614): View more from Ohio

THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.

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(315): View more from New York

Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.

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(951): View more from California

Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.

(1-951): View more from California

Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve

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(952): View more from Minnesota

He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.

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(512): View more from Texas

They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"

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(425): View more from Washington

The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.

(541): View more from Oregon

Mole people?

(425): View more from Washington

Mole people

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(602): View more from Arizona

Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.

(316): View more from Kansas

That's the best creepy text ever.

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(510): View more from California

It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!

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(404): View more from Georgia

Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?

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(415): View more from California

I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.

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(917): View more from New York City

Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

I could have done it in 2

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(208): View more from Idaho

Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.

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(650): View more from California

i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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(207): View more from Maine

A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?

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(501): View more from Arkansas

My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.

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(240): View more from Maryland

If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?

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(770): View more from Georgia

Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something

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(630): View more from Illinois

And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear

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(804): View more from Virginia

I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.

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(607): View more from New York

you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."

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(847): View more from Illinois

sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever

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(516): View more from New York

Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"

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(217): View more from Illinois

I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.

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(210): View more from Texas

I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?

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(406): View more from Montana

Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I have a surprise for you guys

(937): View more from Ohio

What is it?

(740): View more from Ohio

A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS

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(519): View more from Ontario

You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned

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(504): View more from Louisiana

How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?

(1-504): View more from Louisiana

omg mom no

(504): View more from Louisiana

It's so blood brotha crip what be good

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(812): View more from Indiana

Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina

(513): View more from Ohio

Post that event on your timeline

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(904): View more from Florida

usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru

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(763): View more from Minnesota

It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!

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(706): View more from Georgia

It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?

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(818): View more from California

WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us

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(704): View more from North Carolina

We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.

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(512): View more from Texas

Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.

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(334): View more from Alabama

We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"

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(678): View more from Georgia

Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.

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(773): View more from Illinois

You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old

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(304): View more from West Virginia

as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.

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(563): View more from Iowa

WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.

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(316): View more from Kansas

I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.

(1-316): View more from Kansas

Yeah I'm going to bathe him.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting

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(778): View more from British Columbia

He should be castrated

(604): View more from British Columbia

Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons

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(940): View more from Texas

Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.

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(269): View more from Michigan

We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.

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(614): View more from Ohio

i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.

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(206): View more from Washington

Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.

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(408): View more from California

My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.

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(325): View more from Texas

Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.

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(951): View more from California

You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.

(1-951): View more from California

This is the first time I'm hearing this information.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.

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(206): View more from Washington

I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs

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(207): View more from Maine

I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.

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(207): View more from Maine

If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.

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(303): View more from Colorado

If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.

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(954): View more from Florida

stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us

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(210): View more from Texas

This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.

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(503): View more from Oregon

After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Why Weren't you wearing pants?

(647): View more from Ontario

because pants are for people with no imagination

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(937): View more from Ohio

Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual

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(440): View more from Ohio

I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts

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(647): View more from Ontario

a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.

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(650): View more from California

Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished

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(807): View more from Ontario

It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening

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(517): View more from Michigan

Here's my first problem: I'm drunk

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"

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(503): View more from Oregon

My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can

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(718): View more from New York

Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up

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(425): View more from Washington

Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.

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(760): View more from California

You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward

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(256): View more from Alabama

I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them

(256): View more from Alabama

FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.

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(770): View more from Georgia

When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.

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(925): View more from California

Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.

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(720): View more from Colorado

So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.

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(518): View more from New York

The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?

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(407): View more from Florida

I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

How have you survived this long?

(479): View more from Arkansas

Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.

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(443): View more from Maryland

you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.

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(972): View more from Texas

So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.

(281): View more from Texas

You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...

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(206): View more from Washington

Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.

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(510): View more from California

Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.

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(815): View more from Illinois

But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.

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(703): View more from Virginia

bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..

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(614): View more from Ohio

We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.

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(817): View more from Texas

There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"

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(407): View more from Florida

And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious

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(614): View more from Ohio

It's never too late to be topless.

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(360): View more from Washington

do we own a ladder

(206): View more from Washington

We do not.

(360): View more from Washington

then how am i on the roof

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(469): View more from Texas

You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?

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(616): View more from Michigan

EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.

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(817): View more from Texas

Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.

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(407): View more from Florida

That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?

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(863): View more from Florida

I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.

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(512): View more from Texas

I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.

(1-512): View more from Texas

Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.

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(847): View more from Illinois

he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?

(952): View more from Minnesota

You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"

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(847): View more from Illinois

Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?

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(847): View more from Illinois

i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding

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(847): View more from Illinois

she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.

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(847): View more from Illinois

So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.

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(719): View more from Colorado

we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here

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(480): View more from Arizona

Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.

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(815): View more from Illinois

i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."

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(601): View more from Mississippi

He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.

(1-605): View more from South Dakota

Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket

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(309): View more from Illinois

You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.

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(914): View more from New York

And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party

(423): View more from Tennessee

so no drinking for you?

(615): View more from Tennessee

don't be silly

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(253): View more from Washington

I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.

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(830): View more from Texas

i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...

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(208): View more from Idaho

You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Let's drink?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.

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(818): View more from California

So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth

(323): View more from California

Gross

(818): View more from California

AN ACTUAL PICKLE

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(205): View more from Alabama

Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.

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(740): View more from Ohio

do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.

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(315): View more from New York

I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors

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(303): View more from Colorado

You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.

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(804): View more from Virginia

No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.

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(+41): View more from Switzerland

How did she break his doorknob?

(1+41): View more from

That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.

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(509): View more from Washington

I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!

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(815): View more from Illinois

I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.

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(214): View more from Texas

I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?

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(313): View more from Michigan

its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.

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(340): View more from US Virgin Islands

I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS

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(520): View more from Arizona

He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?

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(214): View more from Texas

COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!

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(970): View more from Colorado

You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..

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(281): View more from Texas

And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.

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(540): View more from Virginia

The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.

(540): View more from Virginia

you also need to get my treadmill fixed.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness

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(206): View more from Washington

I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...

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(330): View more from Ohio

I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face

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(+61): View more from Australia

he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms

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(515): View more from Iowa

This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.

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(914): View more from New York

Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS

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(804): View more from Virginia

time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me

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(910): View more from North Carolina

A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.

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(310): View more from California

Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?

(626): View more from California

That's two questions.

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(425): View more from Washington

Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.

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(408): View more from California

You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.

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(360): View more from Washington

he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously

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(360): View more from Washington

It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.

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(817): View more from Texas

I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?

(613): View more from Ontario

you're kidding right?

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(616): View more from Michigan

I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.

(616): View more from Michigan

Already at 3 and it's not even noon.

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(949): View more from California

'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

Aren't they always?

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(248): View more from Michigan

If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.

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(+46): View more from Sweden

being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee

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(404): View more from Georgia

just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING

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(801): View more from Utah

Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.

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(518): View more from New York

Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth

(1-870): View more from Arkansas

I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come

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(517): View more from Michigan

I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home

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(416): View more from Toronto

I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning

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(586): View more from Michigan

Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"

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(719): View more from Colorado

3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I am too young to be this hungover

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself

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(619): View more from California

I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.

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(530): View more from California

Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.

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(714): View more from California

So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds

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(416): View more from Toronto

There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles

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(540): View more from Virginia

I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?

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(561): View more from Florida

We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.

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(518): View more from New York

I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.

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(571): View more from Virginia

How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.

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(614): View more from Ohio

the wall and i were having dominance issues.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.

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(407): View more from Florida

mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.

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(214): View more from Texas

Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society

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(256): View more from Alabama

I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce

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(240): View more from Maryland

boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

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(970): View more from Colorado

ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"

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(212): View more from New York

I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"

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(614): View more from Ohio

Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area

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(586): View more from Michigan

I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.

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(703): View more from Virginia

No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.

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(480): View more from Arizona

My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.

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(619): View more from California

Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.

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(415): View more from California

i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation

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(410): View more from Maryland

Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?

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(631): View more from New York

im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

thanks for singing to me while i puked last night

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Everytime we come here you have an ex here.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.

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(331): View more from Illinois

My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk

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(512): View more from Texas

hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?

(1-512): View more from Texas

yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.

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(512): View more from Texas

he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man

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(804): View more from Virginia

How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?

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(503): View more from Oregon

And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information

(1-701): View more from North Dakota

walking out with herpes. that would be worse

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(813): View more from Florida

Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.

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(614): View more from Ohio

This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.

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(713): View more from Texas

I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.

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(509): View more from Washington

Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart

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(314): View more from Missouri

Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!

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(831): View more from California

YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.

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(802): View more from Vermont

It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.

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(951): View more from California

I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.

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(707): View more from California

I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once

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(352): View more from Florida

You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly

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(248): View more from Michigan

THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.

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(360): View more from Washington

sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.

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(416): View more from Toronto

You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.

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(432): View more from Texas

I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.

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(310): View more from California

This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You went to jail last night?!

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

Just a little bit.

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(210): View more from Texas

drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend

(1-210): View more from Texas

I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.

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(602): View more from Arizona

69 |D_O

(1-602): View more from Arizona

wtf does that mean??

(602): View more from Arizona

it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"

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(517): View more from Michigan

Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.

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(786): View more from Florida

HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.

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(816): View more from Missouri

that would be two times in a week with two different guys.

(913): View more from Kansas

they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup

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(360): View more from Washington

Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?

(509): View more from Washington

You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling

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(541): View more from Oregon

It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial

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(507): View more from Minnesota

you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now

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(217): View more from Illinois

Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns

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(859): View more from Kentucky

She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.

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(619): View more from California

Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"

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(805): View more from California

I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.

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(925): View more from California

I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.

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(707): View more from California

Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN

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(575): View more from New Mexico

You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours

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(813): View more from Florida

You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?

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(503): View more from Oregon

I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.

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(847): View more from Illinois

This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.

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(210): View more from Texas

Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat

(830): View more from Texas

You are so not ready for motherhood

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(317): View more from Indiana

I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction

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(775): View more from Nevada

That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.

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(+66): View more from Thailand

Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt

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(504): View more from Louisiana

my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt

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(817): View more from Texas

Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?

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(904): View more from Florida

nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle

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(503): View more from Oregon

Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.

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(440): View more from Ohio

You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered

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(281): View more from Texas

that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.

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(513): View more from Ohio

he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"

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(513): View more from Ohio

Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I love you more than champagne and correct grammar

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(502): View more from Kentucky

sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??

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(310): View more from California

Can we just ponder our lives for a second.

(818): View more from California

No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.

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(813): View more from Florida

no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything

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(517): View more from Michigan

Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group

(1-303): View more from Colorado

But you wear shame so well

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(540): View more from Virginia

Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.

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(734): View more from Michigan

If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.

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(815): View more from Illinois

there was naked duck duck goose

(703): View more from Virginia

how does that even get suggested?!

(815): View more from Illinois

after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Hows that studying goin for you?

(1-505): View more from New Mexico

I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil

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(541): View more from Oregon

Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I want to be you.

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(631): View more from New York

Crying in the liquor store is not a good look

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(731): View more from Tennessee

I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.

(601): View more from Mississippi

Talk to you next week

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(858): View more from California

There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.

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(224): View more from Illinois

She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.

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(937): View more from Ohio

she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.

(1-937): View more from Ohio

it's love

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(214): View more from Texas

I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.

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(904): View more from Florida

Champagne is a vitamin, right?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.

(763): View more from Minnesota

haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach

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(518): View more from New York

Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Can't be the first without the last

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(845): View more from New York

I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"

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(813): View more from Florida

I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?

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(586): View more from Michigan

Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.

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(330): View more from Ohio

okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again

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(678): View more from Georgia

This is the weirdest negotiation ever.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.

(847): View more from Illinois

Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st

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(804): View more from Virginia

by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.

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(702): View more from Nevada

His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....

(732): View more from New Jersey

This explains a lot.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.

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(248): View more from Michigan

ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.

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(207): View more from Maine

i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea

(1-207): View more from Maine

probs a good idea

(207): View more from Maine

i like the whole idea of life and being alive

(1-207): View more from Maine

you sure you're not high?

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(248): View more from Michigan

guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?

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(914): View more from New York

We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.

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(214): View more from Texas

things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's

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(845): View more from New York

I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary

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(607): View more from New York

I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!

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(514): View more from Quebec

Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?

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(707): View more from California

I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key

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(406): View more from Montana

my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute

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(732): View more from New Jersey

fuck the hobbit

(301): View more from Maryland

what about unicorns?

(732): View more from New Jersey

fuck those pointy horses

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(985): View more from Louisiana

He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.

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(734): View more from Michigan

going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.

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(509): View more from Washington

im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..

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(773): View more from Illinois

btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs

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(613): View more from Ontario

She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.

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(248): View more from Michigan

We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.

(440): View more from Ohio

I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.

(248): View more from Michigan

Playoffs. This shit is serious.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.

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(512): View more from Texas

he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"

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(302): View more from Delaware

Who goes to Church hungover

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk

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(646): View more from New York

Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit

(646): View more from New York

The facepaint not the blacking out

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(646): View more from New York

Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done

(760): View more from California

Victory lap

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(646): View more from New York

Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.

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(646): View more from New York

I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"

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(908): View more from New Jersey

she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.

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(248): View more from Michigan

It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.

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(785): View more from Kansas

i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks

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(912): View more from Georgia

She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's

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(541): View more from Oregon

Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?

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(240): View more from Maryland

Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty

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(519): View more from Ontario

Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.

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(516): View more from New York

If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles

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(518): View more from New York

#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE

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(469): View more from Texas

I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.

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(207): View more from Maine

Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best

(1-773): View more from Illinois

that's your solution for everything

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(304): View more from West Virginia

For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.

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(940): View more from Texas

going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"

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(716): View more from New York

its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose

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(315): View more from New York

I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."

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(410): View more from Maryland

we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat

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(604): View more from British Columbia

i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.

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(703): View more from Virginia

He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow

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(925): View more from California

curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.

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(831): View more from California

I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.

(1-831): View more from California

stop. you already have a dog

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(314): View more from Missouri

Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.

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(641): View more from Iowa

I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

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(330): View more from Ohio

All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.

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(334): View more from Alabama

all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.

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(541): View more from Oregon

And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now

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(615): View more from Tennessee

You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons

(702): View more from Nevada

Does that work!! Please say yes

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(301): View more from Maryland

Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras

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(541): View more from Oregon

What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?

(503): View more from Oregon

3some

(541): View more from Oregon

You're right, stupid question.

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(410): View more from Maryland

He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

True romance of the 21st century.

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.

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(845): View more from New York

Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...

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(760): View more from California

I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?

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(817): View more from Texas

Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.

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(253): View more from Washington

We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"

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(302): View more from Delaware

A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made

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(936): View more from Texas

If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang

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(816): View more from Missouri

It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.

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(573): View more from Missouri

just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch

(636): View more from Missouri

Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?

(573): View more from Missouri

IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

it's 1 pm.

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(301): View more from Maryland

It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form

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(541): View more from Oregon

im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.

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(503): View more from Oregon

i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!

(360): View more from Washington

let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Ben's a prick.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

What Ben are you talking about?

(404): View more from Georgia

All the bens across all the lands

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(416): View more from Toronto

Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".

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(229): View more from Georgia

He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed

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(757): View more from Virginia

margs and chips and queso make the world go round

(1-757): View more from Virginia

well and inertia

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(816): View more from Missouri

you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.

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(585): View more from New York

i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW

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(513): View more from Ohio

I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"

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(479): View more from Arkansas

By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?

(1-314): View more from Missouri

God gave us a 4 year grace period.

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(956): View more from Texas

Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.

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(216): View more from Ohio

The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move

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(845): View more from New York

I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting

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(910): View more from North Carolina

the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...

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(302): View more from Delaware

Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"

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(513): View more from Ohio

NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...

(1-513): View more from Ohio

God I fucking love America.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.

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(415): View more from California

Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.

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(712): View more from Iowa

He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Hey I don't know if you will get this but all I know is you are so beautiful to .ee and? I dare anyone to stop me me from caring for you ante so beautiful so I kid you not gorgeous iyoiu are so beautiful to me i dare som.eone too stioo you

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I love boston

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.

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(845): View more from New York

Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self

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(434): View more from Virginia

I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase

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(503): View more from Oregon

Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.

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(208): View more from Idaho

What's a "vodkaffle"?

(608): View more from Wisconsin

It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

How's work?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Spinning.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

bring money and cleavage

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(937): View more from Ohio

You went to church with your boobs hanging out?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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(626): View more from California

I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.

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(317): View more from Indiana

when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single

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(513): View more from Ohio

constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.

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(323): View more from California

Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!

(206): View more from Washington

Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...

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(913): View more from Kansas

very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.

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(207): View more from Maine

Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums

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(207): View more from Maine

Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.

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(586): View more from Michigan

She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Clothes are such an inconvenience.

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(940): View more from Texas

I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....

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(219): View more from Indiana

I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.

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(206): View more from Washington

you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.

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(845): View more from New York

if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party

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(325): View more from Texas

3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..

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(860): View more from Connecticut

We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.

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(646): View more from New York

HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply

(1-414): View more from Wisconsin

I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday

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(910): View more from North Carolina

If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?

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(812): View more from Indiana

that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level

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(678): View more from Georgia

i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade

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(408): View more from California

I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family

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(708): View more from Illinois

I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.

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(917): View more from New York City

we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?

(1-502): View more from Kentucky

eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian

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(260): View more from Indiana

Are you dead

(1-260): View more from Indiana

Yes

(260): View more from Indiana

Oh man

(1-260): View more from Indiana

Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard

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(925): View more from California

I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position

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(612): View more from Minnesota

how drunk are you?

(952): View more from Minnesota

What does that even mean anymore?

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(216): View more from Ohio

Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.

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(614): View more from Ohio

can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?

(740): View more from Ohio

bitches.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

We should party with her soon

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.

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(757): View more from Virginia

This theraflu would make for a great margarita.

(1-757): View more from Virginia

I can make a sudafedarita

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(313): View more from Michigan

i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom

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(585): View more from New York

ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.

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(254): View more from Texas

There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sorry. Im on my way.

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(503): View more from Oregon

It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?

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(310): View more from California

Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face

(310): View more from California

On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?

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(979): View more from Texas

Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom

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(203): View more from Connecticut

my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER

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(917): View more from New York City

I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be

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(720): View more from Colorado

I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport

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(516): View more from New York

He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue

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(607): View more from New York

I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.

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(607): View more from New York

She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.

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(217): View more from Illinois

just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good

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(707): View more from California

I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.

(1-707): View more from California

is that even a sentence?

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(312): View more from Illinois

We're like a lot better than the average bears

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face

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(302): View more from Delaware

It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex

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(858): View more from California

ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL

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(816): View more from Missouri

he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it

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(240): View more from Maryland

last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours

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(816): View more from Missouri

I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"

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(313): View more from Michigan

I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?

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(970): View more from Colorado

You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.

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(765): View more from Indiana

On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.

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(954): View more from Florida

I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.

(1-757): View more from Virginia

I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?

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(817): View more from Texas

I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home

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(425): View more from Washington

It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.

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(408): View more from California

I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.

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(512): View more from Texas

halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...

(480): View more from Arizona

exactly, that's why i want something interesting

(512): View more from Texas

slutty neuroscientist?

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(204): View more from Manitoba

The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.

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(636): View more from Missouri

The Redheads category on Pornhub is my number 2 site behind facebook on google chrome. I think I have a problem

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.

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(845): View more from New York

officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !

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(847): View more from Illinois

The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

Youre getting too old for this

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov

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(269): View more from Michigan

I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.

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(219): View more from Indiana

If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.

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(587): View more from Alberta

His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?

(780): View more from Alberta, CA

You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?

(587): View more from Alberta

She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.

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(703): View more from Virginia

just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.

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(330): View more from Ohio

The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind

(1-330): View more from Ohio

Well it worked

(330): View more from Ohio

Not the point

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(602): View more from Arizona

By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis

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(304): View more from West Virginia

No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.

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(574): View more from Indiana

should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?

(1-574): View more from Indiana

meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?

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(507): View more from Minnesota

and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.

(302): View more from Delaware

I love summer.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.

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(419): View more from Ohio

this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Its not alright that i make out with a manican.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT

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(623): View more from Arizona

He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.

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(858): View more from California

Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.

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(818): View more from California

You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.

(805): View more from California

Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing

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(419): View more from Ohio

Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again

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(317): View more from Indiana

I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?

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(757): View more from Virginia

We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.

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(509): View more from Washington

Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.

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(313): View more from Michigan

thanks...oh and i got my period

(734): View more from Michigan

told you

(313): View more from Michigan

oh hush

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(416): View more from Toronto

Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!

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(970): View more from Colorado

Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me

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(646): View more from New York

congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism

(917): View more from New York City

cool. same. I'm in class drinking

(646): View more from New York

NOT OKAY

(917): View more from New York City

sorry for partying

(646): View more from New York

THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS

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(817): View more from Texas

Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."

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(319): View more from Iowa

captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.

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(407): View more from Florida

If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?

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(805): View more from California

I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship

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(913): View more from Kansas

Speaking is such a hard concept right now

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(516): View more from New York

i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets

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(905): View more from Ontario

How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything

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(919): View more from North Carolina

DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Oh God.

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(773): View more from Illinois

No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.

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(772): View more from Florida

how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?

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(818): View more from California

Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.

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(740): View more from Ohio

If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.

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(212): View more from New York

Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.

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(954): View more from Florida

The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now

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(623): View more from Arizona

As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.

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(303): View more from Colorado

doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?

(408): View more from California

JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.

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(519): View more from Ontario

If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes

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(226): View more from Ontario

I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store

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(651): View more from Minnesota

By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.

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(831): View more from California

high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.

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(503): View more from Oregon

we need to find an occasion to wear tutus

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'll always be here to give you immoral support.

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(716): View more from New York

dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex

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(269): View more from Michigan

I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.

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(352): View more from Florida

Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?

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(517): View more from Michigan

I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.

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(480): View more from Arizona

turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.

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(647): View more from Ontario

My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?

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(347): View more from New York

ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.

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(425): View more from Washington

WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

how did i know this would happen?

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.

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(903): View more from Texas

Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me

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(315): View more from New York

i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee

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(573): View more from Missouri

ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.

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(951): View more from California

My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room

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(609): View more from New Jersey

My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.

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(813): View more from Florida

So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly

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(917): View more from New York City

level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.

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(714): View more from California

My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.

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(469): View more from Texas

Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.

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(587): View more from Alberta

The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.

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(626): View more from California

i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.

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(248): View more from Michigan

i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.

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(323): View more from California

I'm being pulled over???

(520): View more from Arizona

For what!?!?!

(323): View more from California

??? I'm in a cab!!!!!

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(239): View more from Florida

In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.

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(305): View more from Florida

Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.

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(269): View more from Michigan

All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Breakfast tacos?

(1-832): View more from Houston, Texas

YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS

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(845): View more from New York

Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!

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(404): View more from Georgia

Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You working tonight?

(856): View more from New Jersey

Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?

(325): View more from Texas

Jail. That could go wrong.

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(813): View more from Florida

Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.

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(585): View more from New York

if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?

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(206): View more from Washington

we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment

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(225): View more from Louisiana

thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form

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(908): View more from New Jersey

We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"

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(440): View more from Ohio

uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.

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(315): View more from New York

my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple

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(810): View more from Michigan

I wish I could teleport

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(440): View more from Ohio

Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS

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(440): View more from Ohio

Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on

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(708): View more from Illinois

You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.

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(914): View more from New York

Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

had another sex dream about alec baldwin...

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(651): View more from Minnesota

okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.

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(905): View more from Toronto

me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Are you drinking alone?

(662): View more from Mississippi

no, i'm watching house

(601): View more from Mississippi

That doesn't count.

(662): View more from Mississippi

wtf, then i'm always alone

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

THAT'LL be a good time.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.

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(850): View more from Florida

Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"

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(989): View more from Michigan

Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.

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(812): View more from Indiana

They have edible shot glasses at target.

(1-812): View more from Indiana

There really is a God.

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(510): View more from California

He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.

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(416): View more from Ontario

Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level

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(845): View more from New York

mondays should just be called national damage control day

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(310): View more from California

I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him

(310): View more from California

its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?

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(415): View more from California

I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."

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(301): View more from Maryland

please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now

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(651): View more from Minnesota

how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him

(608): View more from Wisconsin

Just another sign I need to get out of this town

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.

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(512): View more from Texas

that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm full of awesome ideas

(972): View more from Texas

Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"

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(816): View more from Missouri

if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.

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(208): View more from Idaho

THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

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(416): View more from Ontario

No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her

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(702): View more from Nevada

i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.

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(209): View more from California

nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw

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(404): View more from Georgia

So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.

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(806): View more from Texas

For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.

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(209): View more from California

you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

What'd you guys eat?

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Literally everything that was frozen.

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(310): View more from California

something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

bloody. ill be home soon.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping

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(732): View more from New Jersey

FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life

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(425): View more from Washington

Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.

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(513): View more from Ohio

you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?

(1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.

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(571): View more from Virginia

I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.

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(951): View more from California

better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???

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(336): View more from North Carolina

you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them

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(662): View more from Mississippi

We should reintroduce naked Mondays

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.

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(231): View more from Michigan

You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.

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(614): View more from Ohio

John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.

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(205): View more from Alabama

he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...

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(754): View more from Florida

I feel like the other woman.

(954): View more from Florida

You ARE the other woman.

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(980): View more from North Carolina

Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"

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(705): View more from Ontario

We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?

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(316): View more from Kansas

This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.

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(765): View more from Indiana

The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor

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(513): View more from Ohio

I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I can tuck mytits in my pants

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(509): View more from Washington

am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar

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(816): View more from Missouri

I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring

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(303): View more from Colorado

Why is there bacon braided in my hair

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at

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(314): View more from Missouri

If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

That's funny. Are they weird looking???

(262): View more from Wisconsin

OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.

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(410): View more from Maryland

YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.

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(571): View more from Virginia

Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar

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(250): View more from British Columbia

SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.

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(50): View more from

I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"

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(812): View more from Indiana

Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.

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(205): View more from Alabama

i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Trying to grind with crutches was not a success

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.

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(740): View more from Ohio

becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.

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(720): View more from Colorado

we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons

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(702): View more from Nevada

We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs

(1-702): View more from Nevada

Wtf? Why?

(702): View more from Nevada

I want awesome conversations to show the world.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding

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(716): View more from New York

He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.

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(404): View more from Georgia

FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.

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(313): View more from Michigan

And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.

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(248): View more from Michigan

dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.

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(551): View more from New Jersey

Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me

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(510): View more from California

God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.

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(214): View more from Texas

does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??

(817): View more from Texas

dude, everything can mix, this is college.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.

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(806): View more from Texas

Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.

(1-806): View more from Texas

Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him

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(845): View more from New York

This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?

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(845): View more from New York

im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night

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(705): View more from Ontario

I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE

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(417): View more from Missouri

How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?

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(770): View more from Georgia

he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.

(352): View more from Florida

teach me your ways.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.

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(941): View more from Florida

I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.

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(620): View more from Kansas

Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid

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(407): View more from Florida

Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.

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(360): View more from Washington

tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?

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(631): View more from New York

If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.

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(512): View more from Texas

Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?

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(905): View more from Ontario

We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.

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(716): View more from New York

i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me

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(224): View more from Illinois

Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous

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(845): View more from New York

Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen

(845): View more from New York

That would be so convenient

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(618): View more from Illinois

how was the sex?

(1-618): View more from Illinois

he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.

(618): View more from Illinois

well, there's that.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.

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(770): View more from Georgia

he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took

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(765): View more from Indiana

I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.

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(518): View more from New York

In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.

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(214): View more from Texas

You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song

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(573): View more from Missouri

You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.

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(845): View more from New York

Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me

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(812): View more from Indiana

Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.

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(209): View more from California

come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground

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(519): View more from Ontario

I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.

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(713): View more from Texas

On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.

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(847): View more from Illinois

looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!

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(440): View more from Ohio

She swung at the pinata with crutches

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(310): View more from California

I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.

(847): View more from Illinois

It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.

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(845): View more from New York

I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.

(845): View more from New York

Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??

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(207): View more from Maine

i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship

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(757): View more from Virginia

yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.

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(718): View more from New York

no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He's almost as awesome as vicodin.

(513): View more from Ohio

Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you

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(206): View more from Washington

I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.

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(+61): View more from Australia

She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.

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(940): View more from Texas

An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.

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(812): View more from Indiana

He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.

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(310): View more from California

My entire life is one complicated drinking game

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(281): View more from Texas

I think about you every night.

(1-281): View more from Texas

I'm sorry.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.

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(517): View more from Michigan

After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.

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(801): View more from Utah

I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick

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(630): View more from Illinois

Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn

(952): View more from Minnesota

what?

(612): View more from Minnesota

i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn

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(+33): View more from France

how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP

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(970): View more from Colorado

Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single

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(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months

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(256): View more from Alabama

Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment

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(818): View more from California

hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win

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(623): View more from Arizona

Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS

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(224): View more from Illinois

I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?

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(208): View more from Idaho

I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical

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(501): View more from Arkansas

My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.

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(281): View more from Texas

I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.

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(626): View more from California

she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo

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(661): View more from California

i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..

(951): View more from California

u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!

(661): View more from California

i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u

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(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

Nah, we all need something.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes

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(916): View more from California

Sadness tears and throw up everywhere

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(512): View more from Texas

we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja

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(703): View more from Virginia

so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.

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(456): View more from

Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.

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(716): View more from New York

I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.

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(253): View more from Washington

May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.

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(518): View more from New York

I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.

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(519): View more from Ontario

On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?

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(417): View more from Missouri

Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?

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(623): View more from Arizona

its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Hawaiian shirts and no dignity

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.

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(616): View more from Michigan

They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar

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(714): View more from California

He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.

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(623): View more from Arizona

im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?

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(636): View more from Missouri

At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.

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(813): View more from Florida

The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.

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(586): View more from Michigan

on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"

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(408): View more from California

I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete

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(847): View more from Illinois

2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.

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(607): View more from New York

You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

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(352): View more from Florida

he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled

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(318): View more from Louisiana

When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..

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(609): View more from New Jersey

sleazy september. first one with mono loses.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.

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(678): View more from Georgia

He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.

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(619): View more from California

We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Do you have swine flu?

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

Pigs, yes. Swine, no.

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(718): View more from New York

Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.

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(512): View more from Texas

If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism

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(760): View more from California

It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.

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(917): View more from New York City

I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules

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(214): View more from Texas

Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before

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(214): View more from Texas

Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.

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(313): View more from Michigan

In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"

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(216): View more from Ohio

you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission

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(540): View more from Virginia

Whore.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I was being facetious

(540): View more from Virginia

Don't try to hide behind big words.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.

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(907): View more from Alaska

We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"

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(301): View more from Maryland

I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS

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(516): View more from New York

I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.

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(239): View more from Florida

What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?

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(574): View more from Indiana

Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!

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(847): View more from Illinois

There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"

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(713): View more from Texas

Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother

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(248): View more from Michigan

are you still at the devil's house?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.

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(631): View more from New York

Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.

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(909): View more from California

I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.

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(904): View more from Florida

Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?

(1-904): View more from Florida

six.

(904): View more from Florida

Oh, I thought it was higher.

(1-904): View more from Florida

No, that would be the Matt's

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(727): View more from Florida

Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.

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(312): View more from Illinois

kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.

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(813): View more from Florida

Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.

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(903): View more from Texas

My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.

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(847): View more from Illinois

so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.

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(703): View more from Virginia

fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.

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(641): View more from Iowa

and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"

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(351): View more from Massachusetts

the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.

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(530): View more from California

My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.

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(850): View more from Florida

We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .

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(509): View more from Washington

Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles

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(219): View more from Indiana

Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.

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(818): View more from California

Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.

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(812): View more from Indiana

About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.

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(971): View more from Oregon

I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.

(513): View more from Ohio

I stole a bike. Here's a pic

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."

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(913): View more from Kansas

I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I demand visitation hours with the duck.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious

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(407): View more from Florida

You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.

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(716): View more from New York

I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean

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(210): View more from Texas

Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country

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(541): View more from Oregon

There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

no more duck duck goose at the bar

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(904): View more from Florida

Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?

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(313): View more from Michigan

I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.

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(619): View more from California

I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.

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(954): View more from Florida

They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'

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(813): View more from Florida

You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.

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(229): View more from Georgia

They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME

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(785): View more from Kansas

Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens

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(613): View more from Ontario

who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked

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(415): View more from California

What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.

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(518): View more from New York

I want a grilled cheese and an IV

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(619): View more from California

He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.

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(937): View more from Ohio

The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.

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(815): View more from Illinois

$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.

(212): View more from New York

Please take video.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.

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(509): View more from Washington

I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok

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(845): View more from New York

He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario

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(301): View more from Maryland

Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?

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(801): View more from Utah

He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.

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(219): View more from Indiana

U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.

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(425): View more from Washington

i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house

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(509): View more from Washington

I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

He had a curved dick....must be a european thing

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fuck appropriateness.

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(567): View more from Ohio

you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.

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(443): View more from Maryland

THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.

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(705): View more from Ontario

What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood

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(615): View more from Tennessee

It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.

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(248): View more from Michigan

btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet

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(856): View more from New Jersey

just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

No period for spring break; use this wisely.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow

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(540): View more from Virginia

I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments

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(908): View more from New Jersey

ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.

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(205): View more from Alabama

i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...

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(815): View more from Illinois

This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt

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(716): View more from New York

I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.

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(530): View more from California

And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?

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(818): View more from California

Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand

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(847): View more from Illinois

Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.

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(915): View more from Texas

Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.

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(207): View more from Maine

well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?

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(210): View more from Texas

If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.

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(443): View more from Maryland

At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...

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(310): View more from California

Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies

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(250): View more from British Columbia

You don't have asthma, your pregnant

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up

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(734): View more from Michigan

I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.

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(631): View more from New York

guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple

(1-631): View more from New York

whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?

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(980): View more from North Carolina

You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.

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(650): View more from California

Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.

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(623): View more from Arizona

I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.

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(206): View more from Washington

..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"

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(815): View more from Illinois

im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine

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(518): View more from New York

plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.

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(512): View more from Texas

When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man

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(61): View more from Australia

who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I wish they made sweatshirts for legs

(1-602): View more from Arizona

you mean pants?

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(+79): View more from

Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight

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(949): View more from California

Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.

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(937): View more from Ohio

All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely

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(903): View more from Texas

He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.

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(212): View more from New York

This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.

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(516): View more from New York

you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.

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(972): View more from Texas

i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.

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(845): View more from New York

she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.

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(650): View more from California

I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes

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(314): View more from Missouri

Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.

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(513): View more from Ohio

New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.

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(813): View more from Florida

So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3

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(407): View more from Florida

HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN

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(440): View more from Ohio

Hippo gnu deer

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(705): View more from Ontario

All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.

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(863): View more from Florida

Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.

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(858): View more from California

while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go

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(925): View more from California

if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars

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(858): View more from California

I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex

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(818): View more from California

The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling

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(+43): View more from

After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.

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(712): View more from Iowa

We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at

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(732): View more from New Jersey

When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.

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(847): View more from Illinois

u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends

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(847): View more from Illinois

And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"

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(518): View more from New York

I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"

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(503): View more from Oregon

Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.

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(850): View more from Florida

So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time

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(316): View more from Kansas

I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.

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(914): View more from New York

Drunk. I slept-stripped.

(914): View more from New York

By myself.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood

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(302): View more from Delaware

Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america

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(425): View more from Washington

she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.

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(614): View more from Ohio

There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.

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(419): View more from Ohio

You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster

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(951): View more from California

apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.

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(951): View more from California

Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants

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(585): View more from New York

i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.

(478): View more from Georgia

Moment of silence for the loss of that option.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am

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(317): View more from Indiana

I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.

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(707): View more from California

He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".

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(734): View more from Michigan

im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...

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(512): View more from Texas

Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.

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(619): View more from California

If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho

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(817): View more from Texas

he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.

(1-775): View more from Nevada

What!?!?! How are you txting?!

(775): View more from Nevada

Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.

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(727): View more from Florida

I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"

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(404): View more from Georgia

I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!

(1-404): View more from Georgia

what drugs are you on?

(404): View more from Georgia

none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?

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(303): View more from Colorado

My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

pussy has no personality

(609): View more from New Jersey

Amen to that

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(845): View more from New York

I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"

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(415): View more from California

i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.

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(905): View more from Toronto

so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.

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(317): View more from Indiana

can you pick me up an extra syllabus

(317): View more from Indiana

i passed out in the shower again

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(813): View more from Florida

so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol

(1-813): View more from Florida

well its been awhile since I've surfed

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(860): View more from Connecticut

but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers

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(630): View more from Illinois

Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.

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(812): View more from Indiana

i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.

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(661): View more from California

His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger

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(913): View more from Kansas

omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand

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(586): View more from Michigan

Look at my ENTIRE past

(586): View more from Michigan

Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought

(586): View more from Michigan

Might as well have a blog about it at this point

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.

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(254): View more from Texas

Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.

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(347): View more from New York

weddingsv make me drug and hornr

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...

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(941): View more from Florida

there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.

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(512): View more from Texas

this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card

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(404): View more from Georgia

All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.

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(315): View more from New York

I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.

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(518): View more from New York

I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday

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(440): View more from Ohio

I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.

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(520): View more from Arizona

I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

no his phone, idiot.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja

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(402): View more from Nebraska

my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.

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(513): View more from Ohio

He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?

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(410): View more from Maryland

i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.

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(269): View more from Michigan

its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"

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(773): View more from Illinois

halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids

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(615): View more from Tennessee

took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now

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(815): View more from Illinois

It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

That doesn't help me much...

(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm right under the moon!

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(434): View more from Virginia

Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?

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(330): View more from Ohio

Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween

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(801): View more from Utah

As long as you're not dating white guys again.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest

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(708): View more from Illinois

Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs

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(310): View more from California

If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.

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(586): View more from Michigan

You're so nebulous sometimes

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(925): View more from California

Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)

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(204): View more from Manitoba

well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?

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(281): View more from Texas

I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.

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(386): View more from Florida

totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.

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(585): View more from New York

Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there

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(818): View more from California

I regularly think about how cool your nickname is

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(804): View more from Virginia

Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...

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(310): View more from California

my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.

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(602): View more from Arizona

no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?

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(312): View more from Illinois

Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday

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(317): View more from Indiana

I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.

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(660): View more from Missouri

Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Did I show you my penis last night?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?

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(404): View more from Georgia

you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship

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(708): View more from Illinois

eww mummy girl is here...

(931): View more from Tennessee

what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING

(617): View more from Massachusetts

you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon

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(360): View more from Washington

Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Dude you has no fucking this poptart

(719): View more from Colorado

What?

(843): View more from South Carolina

I dont know to explain this.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.

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(937): View more from Ohio

We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve

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(231): View more from Michigan

i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.

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(954): View more from Florida

I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm

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(323): View more from California

Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top

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(301): View more from Maryland

Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"

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(302): View more from Delaware

Nicole vs. Life

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(961): View more from

I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit

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(732): View more from New Jersey

This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.

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(408): View more from California

He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.

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(817): View more from Texas

I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN

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(810): View more from Michigan

Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

You going out tonight?

(318): View more from Louisiana

No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.

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(281): View more from Texas

Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.

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(419): View more from Ohio

there is no way he can be that small

(1-419): View more from Ohio

look on the bright side he'll over comepensate

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(214): View more from Texas

1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you

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(248): View more from Michigan

Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.

(248): View more from Michigan

I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it

(734): View more from Michigan

Yeah...you probably will...

(248): View more from Michigan

well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

where's my purse there's an important taco in it

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(+66): View more from Thailand

A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure

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(253): View more from Washington

The pine trees are waving at me.

(907): View more from Alaska

Put the pipe down honey.

(253): View more from Washington

Hi trees.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween

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(440): View more from Ohio

Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.

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(916): View more from California

I hate ducks.

(916): View more from California

What?

(916): View more from California

they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.

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(514): View more from Quebec

His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I'm watching ellen!

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show

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(240): View more from Maryland

I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.

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(510): View more from California

I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...

(612): View more from Minnesota

I want my thong back.

(763): View more from Minnesota

I hate you tequila.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?

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(770): View more from Georgia

The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well

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(805): View more from California

My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.

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(314): View more from Missouri

So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?

(816): View more from Missouri

Most never. Some around 65.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk

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(850): View more from Florida

i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook

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(317): View more from Indiana

why did u let me go home with him last night?

(260): View more from Indiana

u were determined it was a good idea

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.

(662): View more from Mississippi

He was trying to put me in handcuffs.

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

You have my attention.

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(631): View more from New York

beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever

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(404): View more from Georgia

He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."

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(440): View more from Ohio

i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.

(440): View more from Ohio

I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl

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(805): View more from California

He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza

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(718): View more from New York

i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.

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(909): View more from California

She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.

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(519): View more from Ontario

so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.

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(679): View more from Michigan

You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.

(679): View more from Michigan

You really are best friends.

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(518): View more from New York

i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with

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(303): View more from Colorado

I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.

(720): View more from Colorado

Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.

(303): View more from Colorado

But what if I pay for the gas?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party

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(702): View more from Nevada

I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.

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(301): View more from Maryland

dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow

(410): View more from Maryland

so basically your not goin out tonight?

(301): View more from Maryland

who said that?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.

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(806): View more from Texas

That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.

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(805): View more from California

you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...

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(937): View more from Ohio

I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different

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(248): View more from Michigan

Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way

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(816): View more from Missouri

Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet

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(231): View more from Michigan

you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...

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(713): View more from Texas

Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.

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(386): View more from Florida

Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.

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(515): View more from Iowa

we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records

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(301): View more from Maryland

you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?

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(303): View more from Colorado

I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.

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(503): View more from Oregon

There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.

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(804): View more from Virginia

no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested

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(253): View more from Washington

Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.

(1-253): View more from Washington

What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited

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(951): View more from California

This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.

(309): View more from Illinois

"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.

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(734): View more from Michigan

He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.

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(850): View more from Florida

I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.

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(989): View more from Michigan

if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK

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(404): View more from Georgia

look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.

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(916): View more from California

I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

And you didn't burst into flames?

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(309): View more from Illinois

I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS

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(217): View more from Illinois

he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.

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(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...

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(913): View more from Kansas

high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?

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(206): View more from Washington

All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.

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(513): View more from Ohio

he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden

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(740): View more from Ohio

I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream

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(504): View more from Louisiana

how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".

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(214): View more from Texas

Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason

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(347): View more from New York

Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude

(650): View more from California

So your saying just a blow job?

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(810): View more from Michigan

According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.

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(253): View more from Washington

You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.

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(302): View more from Delaware

when are you leaving homes?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51

(302): View more from Delaware

I had a sex dream about Oprah.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

go back to sleep

(302): View more from Delaware

dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.

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(207): View more from Maine

So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.

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(810): View more from Michigan

If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?

(989): View more from Michigan

I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own

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(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

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(417): View more from Missouri

Whiskey dick.

(810): View more from Michigan

Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.

(417): View more from Missouri

Everyday of my life.

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(415): View more from California

It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict

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(914): View more from New York

i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.

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(334): View more from Alabama

He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.

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(620): View more from Kansas

He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable

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(757): View more from Virginia

It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please

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(419): View more from Ohio

There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around

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(419): View more from Ohio

We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex

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(404): View more from Georgia

He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.

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(847): View more from Illinois

You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head

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(616): View more from Michigan

Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.

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(+61): View more from Australia

we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.

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(541): View more from Oregon

She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...

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(315): View more from New York

My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'

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(619): View more from California

he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house

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(585): View more from New York

you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.

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(516): View more from New York

its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved

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(847): View more from Illinois

He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

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(619): View more from California

Call me when you're up

(619): View more from California

Great dream, you were in it

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(303): View more from Colorado

It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again

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(574): View more from Indiana

I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.

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(855): View more from

I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?

(855): View more from

No. I am devastated

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(313): View more from Michigan

operation harelip BJ is a go

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(410): View more from Maryland

She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.

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(512): View more from Texas

I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants

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(858): View more from California

my life trainwreck boards at 9:30

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy

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(845): View more from New York

no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.

(516): View more from New York

You wear Armani Exchange.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."

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(810): View more from Michigan

Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann

(803): View more from South Carolina

honey you're def caucasian

(704): View more from North Carolina

i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months

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(949): View more from California

Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life

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(317): View more from Indiana

It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.

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(716): View more from New York

I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.

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(513): View more from Ohio

the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!

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(256): View more from Alabama

you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

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(817): View more from Texas

He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"

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(303): View more from Colorado

Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"

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(201): View more from New Jersey

and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

Thanks dad.

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(912): View more from Georgia

I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers

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(662): View more from Mississippi

It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though

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(513): View more from Ohio

You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.

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(705): View more from Ontario

APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...

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(303): View more from Colorado

so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...

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(704): View more from North Carolina

this is really not the time to pretend we have morals

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(678): View more from Georgia

He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.

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(937): View more from Ohio

This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.

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(513): View more from Ohio

He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

those are such fre$h shoes

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign

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(810): View more from Michigan

I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

Holy shittt I don't even have a bf

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.

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(443): View more from Maryland

her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?

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(323): View more from California

it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway

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(816): View more from Missouri

Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.

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(319): View more from Iowa

you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met

(1-319): View more from Iowa

thanks it was an honor just to be nominated

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(770): View more from Georgia

who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!

(404): View more from Georgia

you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.

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(772): View more from Florida

Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend

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(845): View more from New York

it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we

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(309): View more from Illinois

ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.

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(845): View more from New York

I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring

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(908): View more from New Jersey

The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.

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(248): View more from Michigan

hi brent please bring bad word music cd must most bad word please brent bring cd music bad word please brent bring cd music bad word

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

they just did a mariachi cover of free bird

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(805): View more from California

a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot

(818): View more from California

god is laughing at you again

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(203): View more from Connecticut

They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.

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(702): View more from Nevada

sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.

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(269): View more from Michigan

just do him I won't tell jon

(1-269): View more from Michigan

um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is

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(214): View more from Texas

you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota

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(347): View more from New York

the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant

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(631): View more from New York

i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon

(1-631): View more from New York

been there done that

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(940): View more from Texas

nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that

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(616): View more from Michigan

its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true

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(540): View more from Virginia

Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?

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(302): View more from Delaware

I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course

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(716): View more from New York

I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina

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(631): View more from New York

we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,

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(973): View more from New Jersey

UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm pregnant just thinking about him.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.

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(334): View more from Alabama

how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.

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(443): View more from Maryland

The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"

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(905): View more from Toronto

it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors

(1-905): View more from Toronto

american apparel?

(905): View more from Toronto

try lime green

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(440): View more from Ohio

yea ive hooked up with like half those guys

(1-440): View more from Ohio

and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag

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(503): View more from Oregon

today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.

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(404): View more from Georgia

my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.

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(602): View more from Arizona

you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.

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(513): View more from Ohio

She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.

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(646): View more from New York

They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!

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(404): View more from Georgia

If I was on drugs, this would be amazing

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(423): View more from Tennessee

NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog

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(408): View more from California

the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW

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(312): View more from Illinois

I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk

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(209): View more from California

I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life

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(303): View more from Colorado

If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.

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(703): View more from Virginia

i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move

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(561): View more from Florida

I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.

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(914): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it

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(561): View more from Florida

I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.

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(858): View more from California

God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext

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(585): View more from New York

broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.

(716): View more from New York

you're writing country songs now?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions

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(757): View more from Virginia

He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me

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(646): View more from New York

I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me

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(303): View more from Colorado

Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7

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(231): View more from Michigan

I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.

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(847): View more from Illinois

the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?

(313): View more from Michigan

Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!

(630): View more from Illinois

U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?

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(315): View more from New York

I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?

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(847): View more from Illinois

well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."

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(541): View more from Oregon

I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?

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(856): View more from New Jersey

you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb

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(716): View more from New York

You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was

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(408): View more from California

i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both

(650): View more from California

i think otters can do that

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(850): View more from Florida

Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.

(1-850): View more from Florida

Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.

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(303): View more from Colorado

It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!

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(845): View more from New York

alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.

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(914): View more from New York

Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem

(914): View more from New York

Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.

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(858): View more from California

Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.

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(907): View more from Alaska

i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....

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(732): View more from New Jersey

some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.

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(305): View more from Florida

He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.

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(718): View more from New York

If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night

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(256): View more from Alabama

Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.

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(817): View more from Texas

I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate

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(919): View more from North Carolina

They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible

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(410): View more from Maryland

There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.

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(530): View more from California

you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.

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(315): View more from New York

Random question, how's your gag reflex these days

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask

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(971): View more from Oregon

one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.

(706): View more from Georgia

i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...

(971): View more from Oregon

it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?

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(313): View more from Michigan

Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?

(518): View more from New York

No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.

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(559): View more from California

kristin has been a bad kristin

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(519): View more from Ontario

my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.

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(530): View more from California

i'm lost and i look like a hooker

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.

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(830): View more from Texas

she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.

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(714): View more from California

his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(216): View more from Ohio

thus making me awesome and them whores

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(214): View more from Texas

What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser

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(408): View more from California

You drunk yet?

(925): View more from California

Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.

(408): View more from California

Cant make any promises.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.

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(310): View more from California

She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"

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(440): View more from Ohio

i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth

(330): View more from Ohio

well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth

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(435): View more from Utah

oh god the rape fog is back!

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends

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(734): View more from Michigan

I think she gave up trying 2 land a bf and let herself go

(313): View more from Michigan

You misogynist thinking that every girl wants a bf

(734): View more from Michigan

They do. I don't appreciate u using big words idk and im gonna take offense

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(520): View more from Arizona

In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.

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(650): View more from California

an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'

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(503): View more from Oregon

it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

we're making bets on your personal life

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(802): View more from Vermont

you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk

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(425): View more from Washington

It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.

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(207): View more from Maine

I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it

(617): View more from Massachusetts

We call that spaghetti Os

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(607): View more from New York

do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand

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(310): View more from California

I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.

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(260): View more from Indiana

I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.

(260): View more from Indiana

Sorry- wrong number! :)

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(440): View more from Ohio

We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.

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(251): View more from Alabama

Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society

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(801): View more from Utah

see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks

(1-801): View more from Utah

wait.... you do what?

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(631): View more from New York

OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET

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(914): View more from New York

Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.

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(631): View more from New York

I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

I don't want you to recite the pledge!

(631): View more from New York

Pledge alligien to america to united states of america

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(703): View more from Virginia

I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.

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(614): View more from Ohio

The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home

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(817): View more from Texas

If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'

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(330): View more from Ohio

I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?

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(607): View more from New York

Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

super hot butfun

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy

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(907): View more from Alaska

Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.

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(716): View more from New York

why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross

(860): View more from Connecticut

its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary

(716): View more from New York

i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.

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(801): View more from Utah

She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.

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(740): View more from Ohio

you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god

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(937): View more from Ohio

[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]

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(815): View more from Illinois

No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.

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(314): View more from Missouri

shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.

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(718): View more from New York

...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex

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(516): View more from New York

we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty

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(815): View more from Illinois

Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons

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(561): View more from Florida

i will soon be in a relationship on fb

(919): View more from North Carolina

you!?

(561): View more from Florida

me and your mom. i mean, lisa.

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(760): View more from California

Why is your vibrator in the fridge?

(1-760): View more from California

I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.

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(847): View more from Illinois

cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on

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(518): View more from New York

no really all good couples have similar hair colors!

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(310): View more from California

if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz

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(845): View more from New York

I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!

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(713): View more from Texas

when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!

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(740): View more from Ohio

Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time

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(860): View more from Connecticut

there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

My first STD was from a foam party

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(205): View more from Alabama

The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(586): View more from Michigan

Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you

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(503): View more from Oregon

I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big

(720): View more from Colorado

Welcome to my life

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(410): View more from Maryland

when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink

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(512): View more from Texas

He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy

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(231): View more from Michigan

Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.

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(706): View more from Georgia

TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!

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(330): View more from Ohio

We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.

(330): View more from Ohio

Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.

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(818): View more from California

i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on

(818): View more from California

and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top

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(330): View more from Ohio

So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?

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(817): View more from Texas

I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.

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(706): View more from Georgia

We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where's it at?

(706): View more from Georgia

In your pants.

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(586): View more from Michigan

More tranny stories later!

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(904): View more from Florida

i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall

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(336): View more from North Carolina

If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

(1-440): View more from Ohio

please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.

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(706): View more from Georgia

You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over

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(614): View more from Ohio

i dont know whats so great about being respectable.

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(310): View more from California

i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.

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(917): View more from New York City

you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues

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(864): View more from South Carolina

If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

(828): View more from North Carolina

Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

(864): View more from South Carolina

Previous statement retracted.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.

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(425): View more from Washington

Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.

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(480): View more from Arizona

With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I won't be sarcastic... just naked

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(315): View more from New York

idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

but the lizard people decide everything anyway

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(805): View more from California

before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.

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(775): View more from Nevada

What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?

(1-775): View more from Nevada

A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!

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(678): View more from Georgia

I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.

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(845): View more from New York

he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.

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(425): View more from Washington

So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...

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(650): View more from California

what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?

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(410): View more from Maryland

This is evicking siegelnvs

(443): View more from Maryland

Im sorry?

(410): View more from Maryland

This is fucking ridiculous*

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(845): View more from New York

im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to

(1-845): View more from New York

i wanted you to too

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(586): View more from Michigan

so how was last night?

(1-586): View more from Michigan

got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.

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(760): View more from California

I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final

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(502): View more from Kentucky

All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.

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(310): View more from California

A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?

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(909): View more from California

I just didn't expect you to be so naked....

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.

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(301): View more from Maryland

i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend

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(352): View more from Florida

my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.

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(574): View more from Indiana

Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.

(260): View more from Indiana

At least you didn't call me Brittany this time

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock

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(504): View more from Louisiana

why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?

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(631): View more from New York

I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore

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(917): View more from New York City

My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.

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(269): View more from Michigan

Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".

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(504): View more from Louisiana

i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.

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(954): View more from Florida

If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.

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(315): View more from New York

Hello wreck, this is your train calling.

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(518): View more from New York

All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

(301): View more from Maryland

OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

(518): View more from New York

Doritoesssssss

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(248): View more from Michigan

I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.

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(309): View more from Illinois

i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.

(309): View more from Illinois

so finals studying is going well?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.

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(530): View more from California

I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.

(1-530): View more from California

fuck. you.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore

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(201): View more from New Jersey

somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?

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(801): View more from Utah

we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?

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(248): View more from Michigan

Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.

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(406): View more from Montana

someone owes me an orgasm

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(347): View more from New York

i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties

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(509): View more from Washington

Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though

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(309): View more from Illinois

Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"

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(304): View more from West Virginia

But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora

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(773): View more from Illinois

I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit

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(503): View more from Oregon

No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.

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(646): View more from New York

There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.

(1-646): View more from New York

Your pregnant arnt you

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(253): View more from Washington

I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.

(281): View more from Texas

No. Just liquor. Time's no good.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

the snow is so cold on my vagina.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

why do you have snow on your vagina?

(580): View more from Oklahoma

vodka and heels.

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(440): View more from Ohio

pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.

(860): View more from Connecticut

what did you do?

(203): View more from Connecticut

i asked her out. that's so hot.

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(316): View more from Kansas

I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper

(785): View more from Kansas

He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.

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(917): View more from New York City

There is a new fb quiz: "are you at ypical woman, future ex or from crazy town" - should i take it?

(504): View more from Louisiana

Aren't all three of those the same though?

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(254): View more from Texas

I'M GETTING MARRIED!

(512): View more from Texas

YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!

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(419): View more from Ohio

mustard is like jesus in yellow tights

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(847): View more from Illinois

i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.

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(734): View more from Michigan

similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me

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(347): View more from New York

I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot

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(847): View more from Illinois

Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight

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(314): View more from Missouri

Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?

(636): View more from Missouri

our generation is not ready to get married

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(615): View more from Tennessee

jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell

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(240): View more from Maryland

There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.

(443): View more from Maryland

So glad I found your sister.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.

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(212): View more from New York

Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.

(248): View more from Michigan

hah, sarcasm, classic

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(954): View more from Florida

I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues

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(360): View more from Washington

i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

my sombrero is too big for the bathroom

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(501): View more from Arkansas

This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

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(718): View more from New York

Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.

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(914): View more from New York

? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?

(773): View more from Illinois

jesus mom

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(480): View more from Arizona

I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?

(408): View more from California

oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no

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(631): View more from New York

My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"

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(734): View more from Michigan

So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.

(810): View more from Michigan

You're 20.

(734): View more from Michigan

IT'S BUILD A BEAR!

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.

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(407): View more from Florida

I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.

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(206): View more from Washington

put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties

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(407): View more from Florida

Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.

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(707): View more from California

i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.

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(216): View more from Ohio

bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away

(440): View more from Ohio

isn't bella the cat???

(216): View more from Ohio

that she is

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(912): View more from Georgia

an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks

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(714): View more from California

I would go down on you faster than GM stock

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(850): View more from Florida

I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts

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(504): View more from Louisiana

How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?

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(310): View more from California

Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'

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(313): View more from Michigan

You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you

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(708): View more from Illinois

either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord

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(302): View more from Delaware

do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

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(904): View more from Florida

he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up

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(619): View more from California

Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..

(1-619): View more from California

I am not bailing you of of jail

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(513): View more from Ohio

sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on

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(801): View more from Utah

hey, what are you doing tonight?

(646): View more from New York

sleeping, g'night!

(801): View more from Utah

but i wanted to see you :(

(646): View more from New York

sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!

(646): View more from New York

stop - you have a right hand - use it!

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(702): View more from Nevada

You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.

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(314): View more from Missouri

he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

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(631): View more from New York

she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?

(516): View more from New York

nope.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .

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(630): View more from Illinois

But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino

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(417): View more from Missouri

Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?

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(303): View more from Colorado

okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.

(785): View more from Kansas

again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.

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(540): View more from Virginia

i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!

(804): View more from Virginia

a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.

(804): View more from Virginia

That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.

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(310): View more from California

please tell me if i'm home and in my bed

(1-310): View more from California

negative

(310): View more from California

come find me please

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(862): View more from New Jersey

my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'

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(718): View more from New York

We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun

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(310): View more from California

as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'

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(404): View more from Georgia

I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.

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(845): View more from New York

My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet

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(949): View more from California

he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.

(615): View more from Tennessee

Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???

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(417): View more from Missouri

you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up

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(708): View more from Illinois

Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"

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(908): View more from New Jersey

don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.

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(813): View more from Florida

She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is

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(660): View more from Missouri

I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.

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(206): View more from Washington

My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..

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(404): View more from Georgia

What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i dont even know how to be here

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(301): View more from Maryland

look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach

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(347): View more from New York

I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN

(347): View more from New York

I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN

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(304): View more from West Virginia

its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.

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(559): View more from California

Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs

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(619): View more from California

Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

Nah. I did too.

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(904): View more from Florida

I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...

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(949): View more from California

Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.

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(928): View more from Arizona

Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!

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(334): View more from Alabama

I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is

(1-334): View more from Alabama

I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

That's the best idea I've heard all day.

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(773): View more from Illinois

will power is for people who don't want to get laid

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom

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(630): View more from Illinois

Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.

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(248): View more from Michigan

If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

You make your fellow Jews happy.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle

(859): View more from Kentucky

Guys should not giggle. Ever.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Lets date for the summer

(815): View more from Illinois

what?

(480): View more from Arizona

Dont love me in September.

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(248): View more from Michigan

He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???

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(209): View more from California

Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?

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(949): View more from California

Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?

(619): View more from California

hahahahahahahahahahaha

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"

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(509): View more from Washington

woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach

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(808): View more from Hawaii

doesn't he have a GF?

(248): View more from Michigan

that just means you have to try harder.

(248): View more from Michigan

i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again

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(619): View more from California

She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something

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(734): View more from Michigan

Yeah....I really appreciate it....I didn't even get it from hooking up....lame, atleast if a girl gets u sick when u r hooking up it was fun in its inception...

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(419): View more from Ohio

Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.

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(503): View more from Oregon

So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.

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(607): View more from New York

So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...

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(970): View more from Colorado

Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

look no pants

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(703): View more from Virginia

We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.

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(518): View more from New York

4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

how do flat chested girls get laid?

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(516): View more from New York

Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.

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(626): View more from California

He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(559): View more from California

Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE

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(443): View more from Maryland

sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends

(336): View more from North Carolina

I know, I was there.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I accidentally had phone sex last night

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(381): View more from

I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards

(1-515): View more from Iowa

None

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.

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(714): View more from California

Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful

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(316): View more from Kansas

You love me.

(785): View more from Kansas

That's because, tragically, I adore whores.

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(480): View more from Arizona

get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch

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(434): View more from Virginia

I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you

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(541): View more from Oregon

If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?

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(419): View more from Ohio

i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself

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(206): View more from Washington

Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.

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(217): View more from Illinois

he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.

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(360): View more from Washington

nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I feel like death. Did you die last night?

(305): View more from Florida

Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!

(859): View more from Kentucky

unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?

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(813): View more from Florida

Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This is sufficient.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.

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(515): View more from Iowa

It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..

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(203): View more from Connecticut

there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): View more from New York

pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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(916): View more from California

And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"

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(802): View more from Vermont

you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.

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(404): View more from Georgia

i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent

(770): View more from Georgia

don't you ever do that...

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(630): View more from Illinois

you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.

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(917): View more from New York City

under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.

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(586): View more from Michigan

You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot

(586): View more from Michigan

That was very cool/italian of you

(586): View more from Michigan

Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving

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(650): View more from California

Get your hand out of your ass!

(734): View more from Michigan

how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?

(650): View more from California

In your belly button

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(586): View more from Michigan

There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(276): View more from Virginia

Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

(910): View more from North Carolina

IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

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(303): View more from Colorado

The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.

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(914): View more from New York

i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty

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(478): View more from Georgia

So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis

(410): View more from Maryland

Sounds like a really classy character....

(478): View more from Georgia

He is classy. It was argyle.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Duck Duck Cougar?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police

(616): View more from Michigan

What?!?

(810): View more from Michigan

What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...

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(703): View more from Virginia

Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”

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(816): View more from Missouri

About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.

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(310): View more from California

Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

How was your Memorial Day?

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed

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(716): View more from New York

it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven

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(907): View more from Alaska

scale of 1-10 how well do I give head

(1-907): View more from Alaska

5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.

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(214): View more from Texas

i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.

(1-214): View more from Texas

oh fuck your right

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(225): View more from Louisiana

If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party

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(705): View more from Ontario

Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence

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(352): View more from Florida

I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.

(352): View more from Florida

Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.

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(586): View more from Michigan

All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon

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(910): View more from North Carolina

In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of

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(609): View more from New Jersey

People in love make me want to vomit

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(716): View more from New York

I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.

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(850): View more from Florida

I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Three words: puerto rican gang bang

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(713): View more from Texas

So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?

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(727): View more from Florida

im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night

(303): View more from Colorado

lol who won

(727): View more from Florida

well im in the hospital right now so u tell me

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(773): View more from Illinois

My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.

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(216): View more from Ohio

you turned your livingroom into a bong?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.

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(516): View more from New York

sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?

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(954): View more from Florida

you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

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(906): View more from Michigan

i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.

(989): View more from Michigan

you're going for the gold here.

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(805): View more from California

she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance

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(970): View more from Colorado

At what point did we cease to have vaginas?

(720): View more from Colorado

Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.

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(314): View more from Missouri

he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex

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(858): View more from California

You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.

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(312): View more from Illinois

dude, your ex-bf is on match.com

(847): View more from Illinois

details on that.

(312): View more from Illinois

well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.

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(703): View more from Virginia

worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.

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(850): View more from Florida

Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something

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(323): View more from California

Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave

(617): View more from Massachusetts

dude are you serious?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

I know you already have a pic on your phone

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(516): View more from New York

i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.

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(770): View more from Georgia

The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen

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(646): View more from New York

Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.

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(650): View more from California

apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...

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(806): View more from Texas

So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.

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(206): View more from Washington

i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.

(425): View more from Washington

for sure. did you let him do it?

(206): View more from Washington

thats not the point.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them

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(510): View more from California

called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?

(1-510): View more from California

you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style

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(703): View more from Virginia

I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.

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(970): View more from Colorado

i take joy in having bigger boobs than others

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed

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(210): View more from Texas

Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.

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(940): View more from Texas

I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.

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(740): View more from Ohio

i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.

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(281): View more from Texas

Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him

(1-281): View more from Texas

college has opened so many doors for you

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(951): View more from California

Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.

(951): View more from California

Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.

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(353): View more from

When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?

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(775): View more from Nevada

I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)

(1-775): View more from Nevada

Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.

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(503): View more from Oregon

i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass

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(917): View more from New York City

you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?

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(480): View more from Arizona

You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"

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(818): View more from California

If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.

(323): View more from California

Sounds like a plan.

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(345): View more from Cayman Islands

so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper

(574): View more from Indiana

well at least shes not calling you fat anymore

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles

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(909): View more from California

You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"

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(909): View more from California

so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes

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(586): View more from Michigan

yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water

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(027): View more from

I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Yeah, where have you been?

(407): View more from Florida

Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.

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(909): View more from California

it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines

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(720): View more from Colorado

I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night

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(805): View more from California

he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me

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(847): View more from Illinois

Farmville is her only friend.

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(319): View more from Iowa

In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.

(336): View more from North Carolina

This is god's gift to the unemployed.

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(847): View more from Illinois

She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people

(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would be honored to be that friend.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck

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(281): View more from Texas

Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.

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(917): View more from New York City

Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?

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(720): View more from Colorado

Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong

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(613): View more from Ontario

My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian

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(226): View more from Ontario

i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.

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(727): View more from Florida

im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens

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(650): View more from California

Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers

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(314): View more from Missouri

no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.

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(816): View more from Missouri

yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake

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(323): View more from California

No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.

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(416): View more from Ontario

He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.

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(303): View more from Colorado

i have a dinosaur tramp stamp

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(817): View more from Texas

The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.

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(303): View more from Colorado

pwbgyin

(1-303): View more from Colorado

what?

(303): View more from Colorado

penguin condom

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(972): View more from Texas

P.S. I can't hear my feet

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.

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(607): View more from New York

If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.

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(254): View more from Texas

you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room

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(757): View more from Virginia

6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?

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(917): View more from New York City

He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."

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(804): View more from Virginia

I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...

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(925): View more from California

Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"

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(503): View more from Oregon

when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates

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(732): View more from New Jersey

It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you

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(512): View more from Texas

boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style

(1-541): View more from Oregon

Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario

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(503): View more from Oregon

do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?

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(209): View more from California

this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.

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(706): View more from Georgia

rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots

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(312): View more from Illinois

Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.

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(574): View more from Indiana

I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

can you come get me at the bar

(301): View more from Maryland

ill be there in 10 min

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

can we stop off at build a bear on the way home

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(919): View more from North Carolina

it was average length and chubby

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

so kinda like him?

(919): View more from North Carolina

now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

wrong asian. never thought that would happen.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner

(617): View more from Massachusetts

you want to re-phrase that?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

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(208): View more from Idaho

opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling

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(228): View more from Mississippi

yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(716): View more from New York

I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.

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(415): View more from California

I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there

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(817): View more from Texas

Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.

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(518): View more from New York

OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....

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(132): View more from

if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!

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(989): View more from Michigan

you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out

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(803): View more from South Carolina

The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....

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(408): View more from California

We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.

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(718): View more from New York

you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous

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(512): View more from Texas

in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"

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(734): View more from Michigan

Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.

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(847): View more from Illinois

We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?

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(269): View more from Michigan

Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids

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(571): View more from Virginia

I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.

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(925): View more from California

i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me

(781): View more from Massachusetts

dont be selfish, show some boob

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(705): View more from Ontario

Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.

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(818): View more from California

Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks

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(445): View more from Pennsylvania

We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off

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(212): View more from New York

You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.

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(520): View more from Arizona

I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high

(808): View more from Hawaii

worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

nevermind....I'm on the way

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(402): View more from Nebraska

The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!

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(843): View more from South Carolina

He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.

(770): View more from Georgia

WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!

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(613): View more from Ontario

I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.

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(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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(571): View more from Virginia

i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days

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(804): View more from Virginia

Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.

(571): View more from Virginia

was that a mass text??

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(913): View more from Kansas

Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat

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(847): View more from Illinois

no one should ever give us hovercrafts

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(253): View more from Washington

so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning

(1-253): View more from Washington

because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'

(253): View more from Washington

no more ever clear

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(416): View more from Ontario

don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...

(1-937): View more from Ohio

I see you've learned your lesson.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Why is there a cactus in the microwave?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Don't worry about it.

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(970): View more from Colorado

So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.

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(708): View more from Illinois

you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!

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(703): View more from Virginia

okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.

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(410): View more from Maryland

As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.

(443): View more from Maryland

im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile

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(360): View more from Washington

He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees

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(203): View more from Connecticut

my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it

(973): View more from New Jersey

just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you

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(904): View more from Florida

I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.

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(407): View more from Florida

she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store

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(815): View more from Illinois

if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.

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(915): View more from Texas

My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!

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(614): View more from Ohio

Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out

(574): View more from Indiana

You never cease to amaze me.

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(519): View more from Ontario

duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers

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(973): View more from New Jersey

And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds

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(605): View more from South Dakota

So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?

(720): View more from Colorado

This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?

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(817): View more from Texas

well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while

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(585): View more from New York

My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby

(1-515): View more from Iowa

What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.

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(514): View more from Quebec

The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.

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(512): View more from Texas

just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?

(1-512): View more from Texas

pretty standard. you have fun last night?

(512): View more from Texas

apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?

(1-512): View more from Texas

typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.

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(310): View more from California

so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?

(818): View more from California

by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ

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(678): View more from Georgia

did u really fuck my little sister???

(706): View more from Georgia

im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"

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(214): View more from Texas

I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.

(1-214): View more from Texas

that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary

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(361): View more from Texas

yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.

(361): View more from Texas

I just can't bring boyfriends home.

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(214): View more from Texas

You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.

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(914): View more from New York

Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.

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(702): View more from Nevada

When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

I've always been the spiritual type.

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

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(903): View more from Texas

Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Me specifically?

(903): View more from Texas

Yep.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.

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(503): View more from Oregon

You'll be proud of me

(1-503): View more from Oregon

Who did you not have sex with

(503): View more from Oregon

Damn it...you know me too well

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(402): View more from Nebraska

she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...

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(630): View more from Illinois

He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.

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(585): View more from New York

she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?

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(251): View more from Alabama

you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

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(248): View more from Michigan

My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend

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(847): View more from Illinois

you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé

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(818): View more from California

I'm like cupid

(1-818): View more from California

You're a whore with a bow and arrow

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(805): View more from California

i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila

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(214): View more from Texas

Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level

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(845): View more from New York

We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?

(1-845): View more from New York

Who won mens moguls?

(845): View more from New York

That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.

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(518): View more from New York

She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.

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(716): View more from New York

My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics

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(512): View more from Texas

I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.

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(816): View more from Missouri

You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"

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(585): View more from New York

im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed

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