Texts From Last Night · adsy's Favorites

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.

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(914): View more from New York

I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.

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(627): View more from California

Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.

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(574): View more from Indiana

he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog

(1-574): View more from Indiana

knight in shining armor

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(817): View more from Texas

I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care

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(504): View more from Louisiana

How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?

(1-504): View more from Louisiana

omg mom no

(504): View more from Louisiana

It's so blood brotha crip what be good

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?

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(816): View more from Missouri

He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.

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(519): View more from Ontario

My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"

(1-519): View more from Ontario

I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"

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(519): View more from Ontario

my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....

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(317): View more from Indiana

A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.

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(512): View more from Texas

He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking

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(760): View more from California

Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.

(818): View more from California

Because it is cat.

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(404): View more from Georgia

She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7

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(518): View more from New York

He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.

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(631): View more from New York

His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE

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(518): View more from New York

They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.

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(248): View more from Michigan

We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.

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(714): View more from California

Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon

(310): View more from California

Fuck you.

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(289): View more from Ontario

So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already

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(720): View more from Colorado

He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."

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(713): View more from Texas

She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just feel like you're using me for sex.

(383): View more from

I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.

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(802): View more from Vermont

when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you

(580): View more from Oklahoma

Really.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.

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(586): View more from Michigan

and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship

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(732): View more from New Jersey

There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice

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(206): View more from Washington

After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.

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(303): View more from Colorado

But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.

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(440): View more from Ohio

She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.

(216): View more from Ohio

Whoa, you know how to pick em.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward

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(207): View more from Maine

It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now

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(201): View more from New Jersey

There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment

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(818): View more from California

I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.

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(330): View more from Ohio

All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.

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(785): View more from Kansas

you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.

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(712): View more from Iowa

she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.

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(805): View more from California

What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro

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(714): View more from California

drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.

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(941): View more from Florida

I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.

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(907): View more from Alaska

We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"

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(404): View more from Georgia

Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.

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(772): View more from Florida

how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?

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(205): View more from Alabama

High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.

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(240): View more from Maryland

i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.

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(416): View more from Toronto

drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.

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(716): View more from New York

So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.

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(707): View more from California

I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs

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(505): View more from New Mexico

were you high?

(1-505): View more from New Mexico

When?

(1-505): View more from New Mexico

Actually just blanket yes to that question

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?

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(916): View more from California

He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.

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(407): View more from Florida

Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston

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(740): View more from Ohio

Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Coming to you live from the floor of my office..

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(804): View more from Virginia

we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.

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(347): View more from New York

I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead

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(248): View more from Michigan

If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.

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(928): View more from Arizona

Dude. Her vagina is a blender.

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(716): View more from New York

this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

So squirting runs in the family.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave

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(516): View more from New York

I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.

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(213): View more from California

Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.

(1-213): View more from California

best text I've received ever.

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(512): View more from Texas

I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.

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(435): View more from Utah

Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.

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(541): View more from Oregon

So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."

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(518): View more from New York

He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.

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(229): View more from Georgia

He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?

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(360): View more from Washington

Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.

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(801): View more from Utah

After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"

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(503): View more from Oregon

I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...

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(409): View more from Texas

I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop

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(443): View more from Maryland

sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends

(336): View more from North Carolina

I know, I was there.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Can we have unprotected sex soon?

(270): View more from Kentucky

Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner

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(708): View more from Illinois

I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Way to ruin everything

(304): View more from West Virginia

I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid

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(519): View more from Ontario

I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night

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(530): View more from California

It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan

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(323): View more from California

Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.

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(214): View more from Texas

Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"

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(734): View more from Michigan

Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?

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(850): View more from Florida

She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??

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(801): View more from Utah

There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar

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(626): View more from California

So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.

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(519): View more from Ontario

We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.

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(310): View more from California

Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again

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(714): View more from California

It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in

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(406): View more from Montana

I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina

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(816): View more from Missouri

Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.

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(314): View more from Missouri

The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.

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(713): View more from Texas

on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left

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(217): View more from Illinois

Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?

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(314): View more from Missouri

There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.

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(319): View more from Iowa

We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"

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(207): View more from Maine

I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii

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(302): View more from Delaware

Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later

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(214): View more from Texas

I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl

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(404): View more from Georgia

he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up

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(520): View more from Arizona

JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!

(1-520): View more from Arizona

what?

(520): View more from Arizona

YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!

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(615): View more from Tennessee

i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat

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(201): View more from New Jersey

oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.

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(661): View more from California

i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..

(951): View more from California

u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!

(661): View more from California

i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u

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(231): View more from Michigan

My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window

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(440): View more from Ohio

I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

(1-440): View more from Ohio

please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

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(410): View more from Maryland

She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.

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(407): View more from Florida

i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point

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(813): View more from Florida

Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW

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(240): View more from Maryland

Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time

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(808): View more from Hawaii

for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing

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(714): View more from California

the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester

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(714): View more from California

I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

A Penis?

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself

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(304): View more from West Virginia

they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school

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(512): View more from Texas

will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?

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(801): View more from Utah

Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes

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(765): View more from Indiana

I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..

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(515): View more from Iowa

She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Whore.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I was being facetious

(540): View more from Virginia

Don't try to hide behind big words.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah, that was you

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities

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(678): View more from Georgia

This show inspires me to have sex in space

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.

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(972): View more from Texas

I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.

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(248): View more from Michigan

She's the worst person, but the best naked person

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(815): View more from Illinois

I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.

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(224): View more from Illinois

Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?

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(901): View more from Tennessee

She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied

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(228): View more from Mississippi

I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.

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(905): View more from Ontario

today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag

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(317): View more from Indiana

Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man

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(407): View more from Florida

Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.

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(703): View more from Virginia

i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)

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(641): View more from Iowa

Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)

(1-775): View more from Nevada

Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.

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(760): View more from California

dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.

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(417): View more from Missouri

we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!

(806): View more from Texas

wasnt one 13?

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants

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(760): View more from California

coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.

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(260): View more from Indiana

I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.

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(406): View more from Montana

we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.

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(631): View more from New York

I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...

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(207): View more from Maine

Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?

(1-207): View more from Maine

I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.

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(754): View more from Florida

I feel like the other woman.

(954): View more from Florida

You ARE the other woman.

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(989): View more from Michigan

He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

Is this the I'm gay speech?

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(303): View more from Colorado

He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!

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(845): View more from New York

i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.

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(408): View more from California

420 ftw

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(909): View more from California

I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

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(858): View more from California

the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent

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(810): View more from Michigan

I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.

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(631): View more from New York

you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN

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(206): View more from Washington

I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.

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(941): View more from Florida

I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"

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(614): View more from Ohio

Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.

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(936): View more from Texas

Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance

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(253): View more from Washington

We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.

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(916): View more from California

Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

She said she didn't have time to shave "there"

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog

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(224): View more from Illinois

I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.

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(573): View more from Missouri

You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.

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(626): View more from California

obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...

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(631): View more from New York

My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch

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(585): View more from New York

Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.

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(315): View more from New York

I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob

(203): View more from Connecticut

For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho

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(519): View more from Ontario

It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.

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(810): View more from Michigan

oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....

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(972): View more from Texas

Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.

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(845): View more from New York

Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'

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(+06): View more from

We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test

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(301): View more from Maryland

She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....

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(865): View more from Tennessee

One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.

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(714): View more from California

my room smells like sperm. sweet.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.

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(407): View more from Florida

You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld

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(765): View more from Indiana

It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin

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(905): View more from Ontario

Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs

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(310): View more from California

Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself

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(602): View more from Arizona

I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me

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(954): View more from Florida

My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??

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(540): View more from Virginia

She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness

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(303): View more from Colorado

I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm lost and stupid without you.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.

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(269): View more from Michigan

All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.

(773): View more from Illinois

You spelled "worthless" wrong.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.

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(631): View more from New York

he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him

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(253): View more from Washington

I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.

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(440): View more from Ohio

im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.

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(469): View more from Texas

Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.

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(407): View more from Florida

So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina

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(315): View more from New York

Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?

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(707): View more from California

you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?

(1-707): View more from California

yeah, you wanna come?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.

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(512): View more from Texas

I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.

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(+41): View more from Switzerland

How did she break his doorknob?

(1+41): View more from

That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag

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(301): View more from Maryland

I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.

(301): View more from Maryland

Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.

(785): View more from Kansas

When were you at my house?

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(360): View more from Washington

He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn

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(260): View more from Indiana

Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.

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(845): View more from New York

Make me a sandwich

(301): View more from Maryland

The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear

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(525): View more from

It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?

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(207): View more from Maine

I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer

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(248): View more from Michigan

The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"

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(734): View more from Michigan

Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy

(734): View more from Michigan

Nevermind. Totally worth it.

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(514): View more from Quebec

I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.

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(208): View more from Idaho

You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin

(774): View more from Massachusetts

He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying

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(815): View more from Illinois

Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.

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(416): View more from Toronto

i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.

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(769): View more from Mississippi

He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking

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(907): View more from Alaska

It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid

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(702): View more from Nevada

Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.

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(614): View more from Ohio

you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical

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(503): View more from Oregon

We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that

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(859): View more from Kentucky

When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"

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(254): View more from Texas

Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.

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(904): View more from Florida

Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk

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(212): View more from New York

how are things with the new girl?

(917): View more from New York City

good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked

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(815): View more from Illinois

have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?

(1-815): View more from Illinois

why can't you just be normal

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(586): View more from Michigan

Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...

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(914): View more from New York

She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"

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(212): View more from New York

I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.

(503): View more from Oregon

Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.

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(714): View more from California

OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.

(404): View more from Georgia

Everyone is cheering

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(248): View more from Michigan

SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!

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(443): View more from Maryland

dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car

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(404): View more from Georgia

Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department

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(770): View more from Georgia

The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet

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(620): View more from Kansas

If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no

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(662): View more from Mississippi

They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i feel rough

(617): View more from Massachusetts

just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.

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(613): View more from Ontario

my text book just quoted the cookie monster

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(305): View more from Florida

I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."

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(716): View more from New York

I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.

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(214): View more from Texas

I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute

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(804): View more from Virginia

my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.

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(573): View more from Missouri

i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question

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(937): View more from Ohio

someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.

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(425): View more from Washington

Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.

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(360): View more from Washington

he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously

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(907): View more from Alaska

Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.

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(419): View more from Ohio

The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.

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(567): View more from Ohio

She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs

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(513): View more from Ohio

Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on

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(914): View more from New York

You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.

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(720): View more from Colorado

my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.

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(802): View more from Vermont

He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi

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(816): View more from Missouri

Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.

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(708): View more from Illinois

you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box

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(916): View more from California

I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.

(651): View more from Minnesota

That baby is bound to be under-loved.

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(905): View more from Toronto

I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater

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(212): View more from New York

he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings

(718): View more from New York

He can't hurt my feelings

(718): View more from New York

I don't have feelings.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.

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(630): View more from Illinois

do you know how bad I want you right now?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

As bad as i want you to stop texting me?

(630): View more from Illinois

is that a hint?

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(517): View more from Michigan

btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.

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(702): View more from Nevada

i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.

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(989): View more from Michigan

no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".

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(708): View more from Illinois

Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.

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(205): View more from Alabama

i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know

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(250): View more from British Columbia

we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth

(1-870): View more from Arkansas

I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever

(509): View more from Washington

but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid

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(214): View more from Texas

So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us

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(404): View more from Georgia

I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high

(954): View more from Florida

Yeah, I don't like babies at all

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(360): View more from Washington

I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist

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(623): View more from Arizona

Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.

(1-623): View more from Arizona

That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me

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(630): View more from Illinois

I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk

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(847): View more from Illinois

i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero

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(586): View more from Michigan

Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?

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(312): View more from Illinois

Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.

(773): View more from Illinois

...well that sucks.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

No stitches, just platelets and will power

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.

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(876): View more from Jamaica

you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just found out I have a small penis.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?

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(541): View more from Oregon

I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.

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(301): View more from Maryland

did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.

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(323): View more from California

Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets

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(206): View more from Washington

And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music

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(323): View more from California

are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions

(310): View more from California

i wish

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(619): View more from California

do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?

(805): View more from California

Don't drive home.

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(716): View more from New York

fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.

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(661): View more from California

Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.

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(914): View more from New York

Oh god. Standing was a rash decision

(847): View more from Illinois

I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway

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(419): View more from Ohio

The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever

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(217): View more from Illinois

Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way

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(931): View more from Tennessee

his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood

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(208): View more from Idaho

so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.

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(631): View more from New York

sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.

(1-813): View more from Florida

Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.

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(805): View more from California

i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself

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(205): View more from Alabama

we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.

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(949): View more from California

I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever

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(308): View more from Nebraska

I think i sorta joined a cult last night

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(61): View more from Australia

I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY

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(712): View more from Iowa

i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.

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(212): View more from New York

Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.

(248): View more from Michigan

hah, sarcasm, classic

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(510): View more from California

I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.

(702): View more from Nevada

Are you high?

(510): View more from California

No. That's why it's odd

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(206): View more from Washington

Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her

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(478): View more from Georgia

Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.

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(616): View more from Michigan

She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"

(239): View more from Florida

I am the fairy godmother of the drink.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language

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(847): View more from Illinois

Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding

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(802): View more from Vermont

I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.

(1-802): View more from Vermont

I hope you fall on your chin.

(802): View more from Vermont

Jealousy makes you ugly.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.

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(248): View more from Michigan

with your own penis?

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater

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(740): View more from Ohio

my lips still taste like vagina

(1-740): View more from Ohio

so you liked breakfast?

(740): View more from Ohio

ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead

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(614): View more from Ohio

she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.

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(714): View more from California

Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.

(1-714): View more from California

This is why we're friends.

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(281): View more from Texas

Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.

(940): View more from Texas

Deal.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.

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(331): View more from Illinois

DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME

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(912): View more from Georgia

I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.

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(850): View more from Florida

Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave

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(602): View more from Arizona

and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"

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(720): View more from Colorado

Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown

(303): View more from Colorado

I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.

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(347): View more from New York

you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.

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(513): View more from Ohio

theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.

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(440): View more from Ohio

i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth

(330): View more from Ohio

well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth

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(314): View more from Missouri

My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

they paper machayed me.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.

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(415): View more from California

I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"

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(206): View more from Washington

She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient

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(870): View more from Arkansas

do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?

(1-870): View more from Arkansas

well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic

(870): View more from Arkansas

what chic?

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(530): View more from California

He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away

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(703): View more from Virginia

So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.

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(646): View more from New York

I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.

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(210): View more from Texas

I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me

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(615): View more from Tennessee

so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me

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(980): View more from North Carolina

Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?

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(904): View more from Florida

how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard

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(904): View more from Florida

i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.

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(425): View more from Washington

I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.

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(515): View more from Iowa

She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during

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(907): View more from Alaska

She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music

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(514): View more from Quebec

So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP

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(804): View more from Virginia

I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...

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(417): View more from Missouri

Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?

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(443): View more from Maryland

We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .

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(818): View more from California

I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I heard you threw up in your lap?

(1-541): View more from Oregon

I heard that too.

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(219): View more from Indiana

How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?

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(410): View more from Maryland

I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

And that worked?

(919): View more from North Carolina

9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.

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(631): View more from New York

im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets

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(612): View more from Minnesota

a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.

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(317): View more from Indiana

We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo

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(914): View more from New York

There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl

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(813): View more from Florida

So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

saw you walking with that piece of shit

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

and that piece of shit just read that

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.

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(214): View more from Texas

My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.

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(253): View more from Washington

waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me

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(518): View more from New York

She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her

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(614): View more from Ohio

There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.

(614): View more from Ohio

Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.

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(815): View more from Illinois

You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.

(1-815): View more from Illinois

Best Friends For Life.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day

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(620): View more from Kansas

My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.

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(585): View more from New York

broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.

(716): View more from New York

you're writing country songs now?

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(218): View more from Minnesota

After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE

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(571): View more from Virginia

How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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(734): View more from Michigan

I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.

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(239): View more from Florida

Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?

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(330): View more from Ohio

He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.

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(314): View more from Missouri

who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...

(1-314): View more from Missouri

I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.

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(214): View more from Texas

Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.

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(315): View more from New York

So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.

(315): View more from New York

They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.

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(979): View more from Texas

She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses

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(418): View more from Quebec

I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate

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(941): View more from Florida

i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.

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(314): View more from Missouri

dude did u upper deck my toilet?

(1-314): View more from Missouri

haha like two months ago

(314): View more from Missouri

i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u

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(816): View more from Missouri

Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.

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(616): View more from Michigan

this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.

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(478): View more from Georgia

This is not my ceiling

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.

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(714): View more from California

It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant

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(616): View more from Michigan

it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.

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(925): View more from California

We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny

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(330): View more from Ohio

The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind

(1-330): View more from Ohio

Well it worked

(330): View more from Ohio

Not the point

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(760): View more from California

my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"

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(440): View more from Ohio

I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.

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(972): View more from Texas

He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.

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(678): View more from Georgia

He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it

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(313): View more from Michigan

oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing

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(510): View more from California

I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting

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(925): View more from California

can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet

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(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead

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(847): View more from Illinois

And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

I should injure you considerably.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.

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(607): View more from New York

I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"

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(740): View more from Ohio

Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.

(740): View more from Ohio

Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?

(505): View more from New Mexico

The responsible thing...show them the break room.

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(516): View more from New York

So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with

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(509): View more from Washington

My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it

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(716): View more from New York

a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz

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(407): View more from Florida

I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.

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(440): View more from Ohio

you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..

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(949): View more from California

Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Really stoned

(440): View more from Ohio

just sent my roommate on a cheese run

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.

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(813): View more from Florida

so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol

(1-813): View more from Florida

well its been awhile since I've surfed

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(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night

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(305): View more from Florida

After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.

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(917): View more from New York City

She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.

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(210): View more from Texas

Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys

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(331): View more from Illinois

My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.

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(972): View more from Texas

You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

At least you have booty calls.

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china

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(916): View more from California

My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off

(617): View more from Massachusetts

he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

(732): View more from New Jersey

like it was yesterday

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(843): View more from South Carolina

He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.

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(904): View more from Florida

you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.

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(415): View more from California

its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead

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(631): View more from New York

guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis

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(519): View more from Ontario

You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them

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(309): View more from Illinois

Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.

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(917): View more from New York City

i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.

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(619): View more from California

We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants

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(737): View more from Texas

You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?

(1-737): View more from Texas

That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there

(737): View more from Texas

It's my parent's restaurant

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(559): View more from California

He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.

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(503): View more from Oregon

we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.

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(619): View more from California

he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days

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(+04): View more from

I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.

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(631): View more from New York

The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.

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(914): View more from New York

I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me

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(585): View more from New York

You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.

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(970): View more from Colorado

At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name

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(503): View more from Oregon

iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.

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(858): View more from California

I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.

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(971): View more from Oregon

I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.

(971): View more from Oregon

Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.

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(586): View more from Michigan

You're so nebulous sometimes

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(815): View more from Illinois

just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.

(1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

Wait. Someome brought slutcake?

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(281): View more from Texas

I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.

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(530): View more from California

Maybe I'm a robot.

(831): View more from California

You can't be that drunk already

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(757): View more from Virginia

Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.

(1-757): View more from Virginia

I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave

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(904): View more from Florida

The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.

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(347): View more from New York

We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job

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(516): View more from New York

The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.

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(586): View more from Michigan

i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..

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(914): View more from New York

Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.

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(661): View more from California

I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me

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(419): View more from Ohio

I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said

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(757): View more from Virginia

I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right

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(434): View more from Virginia

Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...

(434): View more from Virginia

I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me

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(541): View more from Oregon

I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.

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(646): View more from New York

Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.

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(415): View more from California

I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.

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(347): View more from New York

You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?

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(206): View more from Washington

Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.

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(916): View more from California

It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.

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(520): View more from Arizona

just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?

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(714): View more from California

Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?

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(913): View more from Kansas

How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.

(913): View more from Kansas

1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me

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(708): View more from Illinois

Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!

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(253): View more from Washington

There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper

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(518): View more from New York

we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.

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(317): View more from Indiana

can you pick me up an extra syllabus

(317): View more from Indiana

i passed out in the shower again

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(408): View more from California

hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)

(650): View more from California

nah, i'm gonna grab some food

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(845): View more from New York

I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd

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(416): View more from Toronto

He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n

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(434): View more from Virginia

and she just brought her bike into the shower with her

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(612): View more from Minnesota

We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.

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(760): View more from California

when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.

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(907): View more from Alaska

He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since

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(586): View more from Michigan

I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split

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(847): View more from Illinois

So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.

(541): View more from Oregon

Together?

(847): View more from Illinois

Preferably.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?

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(785): View more from Kansas

I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.

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(905): View more from Toronto

me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals

(480): View more from Arizona

Are you high and at a petting zoo again?

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(714): View more from California

I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.

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(847): View more from Illinois

There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.

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(404): View more from Georgia

The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.

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(206): View more from Washington

I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.

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(239): View more from Florida

Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.

(801): View more from Utah

Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.

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(544): View more from

I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.

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(585): View more from New York

And I feel bad.

(716): View more from New York

Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?

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(517): View more from Michigan

I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.

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(248): View more from Michigan

He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people

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(519): View more from Ontario

No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.

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(226): View more from Ontario

wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I painted my nails silver

(586): View more from Michigan

And what are the implications of that?

(313): View more from Michigan

Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.

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(404): View more from Georgia

So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?

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(810): View more from Michigan

Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

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(917): View more from New York City

It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall

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(316): View more from Kansas

He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.

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(310): View more from California

She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.

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(586): View more from Michigan

If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption

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(940): View more from Texas

we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll

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(503): View more from Oregon

Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.

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(407): View more from Florida

Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!

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(203): View more from Connecticut

a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.

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(407): View more from Florida

I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.

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(239): View more from Florida

Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Maybe he just has a boisterous penis

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(708): View more from Illinois

We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.

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(760): View more from California

Why is your vibrator in the fridge?

(1-760): View more from California

I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.

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(616): View more from Michigan

His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"

(616): View more from Michigan

He did it well too

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(530): View more from California

I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite

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(410): View more from Maryland

These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

people are starting to question the shark bite story

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.

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(212): View more from New York

I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.

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(913): View more from Kansas

So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.

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(207): View more from Maine

She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight

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(805): View more from California

I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.

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(416): View more from Toronto

He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers

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(208): View more from Idaho

You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.

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(530): View more from California

We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."

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(408): View more from California

I don't have enough holes for all these australians

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(310): View more from California

i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."

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(941): View more from Florida

I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.

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(209): View more from California

Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.

(209): View more from California

And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.

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(205): View more from Alabama

The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...

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(619): View more from California

It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.

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(972): View more from Texas

Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving

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(407): View more from Florida

im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes

(1-407): View more from Florida

i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.

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(806): View more from Texas

All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out

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(618): View more from Illinois

Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.

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(480): View more from Arizona

she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.

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(518): View more from New York

you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?

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(716): View more from New York

she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper

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(604): View more from British Columbia

it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.

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(561): View more from Florida

Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake

(1-561): View more from Florida

Who the fuck is this

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(971): View more from Oregon

You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.

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(314): View more from Missouri

rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): View more from New York

pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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(612): View more from Minnesota

No subtext here. People are naked.

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(951): View more from California

she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Go to google and type XXX

(1-304): View more from West Virginia

.......Is that how you look for porn?

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(847): View more from Illinois

Rock

(630): View more from Illinois

Scissors

(630): View more from Illinois

Fuck

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(757): View more from Virginia

I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...

(757): View more from Virginia

I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out

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(302): View more from Delaware

A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made

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(718): View more from New York

Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.

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(936): View more from Texas

He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know

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(740): View more from Ohio

I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..

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(478): View more from Georgia

She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad

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(636): View more from Missouri

the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.

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(631): View more from New York

he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality

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(407): View more from Florida

When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.

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(941): View more from Florida

For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors

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(770): View more from Georgia

you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.

(678): View more from Georgia

THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

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(214): View more from Texas

he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???

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(641): View more from Iowa

Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.

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(631): View more from New York

so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.

(631): View more from New York

what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood

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(917): View more from New York City

i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere

(1-917): View more from New York City

no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john

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(704): View more from North Carolina

so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low

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(785): View more from Kansas

I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.

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(727): View more from Florida

You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i dont even know how to be here

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(931): View more from Tennessee

a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.

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(863): View more from Florida

Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.

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(519): View more from Ontario

He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous

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(530): View more from California

just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life

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(563): View more from Iowa

My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.

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(916): View more from California

She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.

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(813): View more from Florida

yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing

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(313): View more from Michigan

so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...

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(530): View more from California

There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them

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(612): View more from Minnesota

dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear

(952): View more from Minnesota

gross she's a slut

(612): View more from Minnesota

yea she doesn't shave either

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(419): View more from Ohio

having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...

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(303): View more from Colorado

Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.

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(630): View more from Illinois

He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.

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(760): View more from California

Do you need to be saved?

(847): View more from Illinois

No I think I'm God

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(979): View more from Texas

Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.

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(802): View more from Vermont

PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.

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(631): View more from New York

figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.

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(858): View more from California

I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal

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(301): View more from Maryland

A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out

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(913): View more from Kansas

Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.

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(785): View more from Kansas

That reminds me...we need to get swords

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(712): View more from Iowa

You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.

(712): View more from Iowa

On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.

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(315): View more from New York

The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.

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(936): View more from Texas

To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.

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(917): View more from New York City

I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike

(1-917): View more from New York City

this is mike. we're done.

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(410): View more from Maryland

the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.

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(251): View more from Alabama

Call me "white mamba"

(334): View more from Alabama

Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake

(251): View more from Alabama

It is white.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.

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(972): View more from Texas

Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Best. Handjob. Ever.

(905): View more from Ontario

I'm guessing Kelly is over?

(416): View more from Toronto

Nope. Home alone.

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(513): View more from Ohio

My mom found a condom in my purse

(513): View more from Ohio

Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.

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(562): View more from California

I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.

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(416): View more from Ontario

i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia

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(609): View more from New Jersey

If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says

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(813): View more from Florida

either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?

(206): View more from Washington

Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...

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(419): View more from Ohio

The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .

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(734): View more from Michigan

So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.

(810): View more from Michigan

You're 20.

(734): View more from Michigan

IT'S BUILD A BEAR!

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(970): View more from Colorado

Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand

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(250): View more from British Columbia

she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza

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(819): View more from Quebec

Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?

(604): View more from British Columbia

Each and every day.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

the snow is so cold on my vagina.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

why do you have snow on your vagina?

(580): View more from Oklahoma

vodka and heels.

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(972): View more from Texas

It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old

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(407): View more from Florida

I think I have a pornographic memory.

(954): View more from Florida

Don't you mean photographic?

(407): View more from Florida

No.

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(289): View more from Ontario

You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..

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(619): View more from California

Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night

(323): View more from California

How mad was your dog?

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(720): View more from Colorado

so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass

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(317): View more from Indiana

ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.

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(765): View more from Indiana

A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.

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(481): View more from

I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW

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(646): View more from New York

its my first week of college and i have a UTI

(718): View more from New York

not easy being a whore now is it

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Do what your heart wants. . .

(504): View more from Louisiana

My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis

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(313): View more from Michigan

Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i can recognize that vagina from a mile away

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(775): View more from Nevada

Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Run away.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.

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(443): View more from Maryland

and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.

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(916): View more from California

put your butt on the phone this is a booty call

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(908): View more from New Jersey

no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request

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(604): View more from British Columbia

As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.

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(660): View more from Missouri

dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome

(816): View more from Missouri

no its not leave

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(514): View more from Quebec

i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.

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(940): View more from Texas

I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.

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(516): View more from New York

and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants

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(858): View more from California

Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.

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(416): View more from Ontario

I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?

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(810): View more from Michigan

I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo

(810): View more from Michigan

With himself

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(678): View more from Georgia

Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me

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(714): View more from California

thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.

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(602): View more from Arizona

You can't motorboat a personality

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(613): View more from Ontario

Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?

(573): View more from Missouri

I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up

(314): View more from Missouri

Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?

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(315): View more from New York

I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in

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(206): View more from Washington

I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.

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(347): View more from New York

Moan for me like Helen Keller

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(803): View more from South Carolina

He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.

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(404): View more from Georgia

just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.

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(219): View more from Indiana

i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her

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(201): View more from New Jersey

you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct

(973): View more from New Jersey

that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand

(201): View more from New Jersey

she's a dina-saur

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(703): View more from Virginia

I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!

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(847): View more from Illinois

He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night

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(919): View more from North Carolina

We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this

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(714): View more from California

we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?

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(678): View more from Georgia

he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.

(808): View more from Hawaii

oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to

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(248): View more from Michigan

Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

That's the best idea I've heard all day.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I wish facebook had a fuck off button.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor

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(778): View more from British Columbia

You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.

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(518): View more from New York

After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"

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(863): View more from Florida

just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move

(617): View more from Massachusetts

that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.

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(817): View more from Texas

Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it

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(303): View more from Colorado

his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy

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(314): View more from Missouri

sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents

(636): View more from Missouri

never have sex?

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(480): View more from Arizona

Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it

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(720): View more from Colorado

She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.

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(702): View more from Nevada

she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.

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(313): View more from Michigan

How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...

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(604): View more from British Columbia

My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?

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(+26): View more from

Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"

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(440): View more from Ohio

Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."

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(907): View more from Alaska

Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room

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(614): View more from Ohio

would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.

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(702): View more from Nevada

It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.

(775): View more from Nevada

Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????

(702): View more from Nevada

God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.

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(518): View more from New York

I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Capitaan dildo arrescate!

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.

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(386): View more from Florida

I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.

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(574): View more from Indiana

pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?

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(907): View more from Alaska

i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me

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(786): View more from Florida

you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you

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(406): View more from Montana

Its weird to pet your cat with a boner

(1-406): View more from Montana

What the fuck?

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(386): View more from Florida

I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...

(1-386): View more from Florida

thanks for that.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.

(601): View more from Mississippi

Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly

(901): View more from Tennessee

...are you coming on to me?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.

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(416): View more from Toronto

He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him

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(309): View more from Illinois

I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

watch out for the queen of hearts

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

fuucck i forgot ab her

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay

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(702): View more from Nevada

as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'

(617): View more from Massachusetts

we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom

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(731): View more from Tennessee

who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.

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(212): View more from New York

You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?

(475): View more from Connecticut

Yeah?

(212): View more from New York

Stuck it in his pooper.

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(630): View more from Illinois

my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.

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(760): View more from California

She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.

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(951): View more from California

She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.

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(316): View more from Kansas

There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Not worth it.

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(813): View more from Florida

You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone

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(586): View more from Michigan

There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks

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(813): View more from Florida

i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!

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(678): View more from Georgia

And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass

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(925): View more from California

dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning

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(917): View more from New York City

so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center

(1-917): View more from New York City

you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth

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(213): View more from California

Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am

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(248): View more from Michigan

I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."

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(309): View more from Illinois

"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.

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(718): View more from New York

i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite

(917): View more from New York City

get a pic

(718): View more from New York

i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that

(917): View more from New York City

i want ur life

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up

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(631): View more from New York

im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies

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(251): View more from Alabama

Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?

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(773): View more from Illinois

I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I hate your face

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(757): View more from Virginia

Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm

(1-757): View more from Virginia

Dick in a box?

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(734): View more from Michigan

this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card

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(310): View more from California

I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.

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(631): View more from New York

these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.

(631): View more from New York

i got hit in the ear.

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(509): View more from Washington

That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis

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(44): View more from England

What's everyones problem with my costume?!

(1-44): View more from England

It looks like a unicorn came on your face.

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(420): View more from

I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.

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(217): View more from Illinois

dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.

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(407): View more from Florida

Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk

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(303): View more from Colorado

He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.

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(214): View more from Texas

you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota

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(480): View more from Arizona

i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....

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(217): View more from Illinois

Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands

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(614): View more from Ohio

You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.

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(647): View more from Ontario

she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.

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(619): View more from California

After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.

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(360): View more from Washington

He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.

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(208): View more from Idaho

My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.

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(512): View more from Texas

She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I want your puppy

(507): View more from Minnesota

I meant pussy

(612): View more from Minnesota

I would rather you take my puppy

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.

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(847): View more from Illinois

The panties match.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

I'll be right there.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers

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(703): View more from Virginia

I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay

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(914): View more from New York

My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.

(845): View more from New York

She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?

(914): View more from New York

well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Walk of Shame time yet?

(1+44): View more from

Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?

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(317): View more from Indiana

Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.

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(516): View more from New York

if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine

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(585): View more from New York

it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.

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(408): View more from California

You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.

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(208): View more from Idaho

why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

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(646): View more from New York

I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.

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(850): View more from Florida

i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.

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(805): View more from California

Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.

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(281): View more from Texas

Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I want a burrito.

(1-541): View more from Oregon

Truly, you are the voice of a generation.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Same.

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(619): View more from California

The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.

(1-619): View more from California

Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok

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(630): View more from Illinois

I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important

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(720): View more from Colorado

What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to

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(281): View more from Texas

My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone

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(517): View more from Michigan

we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

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(702): View more from Nevada

So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"

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(541): View more from Oregon

at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking

(1-541): View more from Oregon

only in oregon

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(678): View more from Georgia

So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.

(770): View more from Georgia

Dude. Do it.

(678): View more from Georgia

Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?

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(845): View more from New York

There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.

(845): View more from New York

Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.

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(313): View more from Michigan

this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.

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(720): View more from Colorado

How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.

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(310): View more from California

I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.

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(224): View more from Illinois

It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.

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(309): View more from Illinois

ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today

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(079): View more from

I think we need to take a brake

(078): View more from

What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'

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(201): View more from New Jersey

kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.

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(702): View more from Nevada

the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you

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(678): View more from Georgia

I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.

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(312): View more from Illinois

i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it

(917): View more from New York City

the suitcase or the dildo?

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(708): View more from Illinois

I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there

(217): View more from Illinois

Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake

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(618): View more from Illinois

he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns

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(402): View more from Nebraska

she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.

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(313): View more from Michigan

her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing

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(541): View more from Oregon

No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.

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(714): View more from California

A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.

(1-714): View more from California

YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..

(1-330): View more from Ohio

that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.

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(614): View more from Ohio

not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...

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(970): View more from Colorado

She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.

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(770): View more from Georgia

At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.

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(315): View more from New York

I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.

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(845): View more from New York

Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.

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(818): View more from California

you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me

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(949): View more from California

i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.

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(408): View more from California

just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".

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(347): View more from New York

she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.

(1-347): View more from New York

ofcourse you didnt.

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(301): View more from Maryland

a search helicopter?!

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(845): View more from New York

I feel like our house is getting pulled over.

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(540): View more from Virginia

is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?

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(419): View more from Ohio

her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.

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(716): View more from New York

i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.

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(360): View more from Washington

Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.

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(917): View more from New York City

shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom

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(772): View more from Florida

You're fine

(585): View more from New York

I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"

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(765): View more from Indiana

She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed

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(512): View more from Texas

There are so many Jimmy John's employees here

(1-512): View more from Texas

Where are you?

(512): View more from Texas

Jimmy John's.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms

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(973): View more from New Jersey

look no pants

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(231): View more from Michigan

you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.

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(512): View more from Texas

just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?

(1-512): View more from Texas

pretty standard. you have fun last night?

(512): View more from Texas

apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?

(1-512): View more from Texas

typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park

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(703): View more from Virginia

you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.

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(310): View more from California

Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.

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(407): View more from Florida

I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much

(352): View more from Florida

Like they're going to fly away?

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(850): View more from Florida

Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here

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(229): View more from Georgia

Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?

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(410): View more from Maryland

he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.

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(703): View more from Virginia

When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.

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(949): View more from California

And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex

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(406): View more from Montana

You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.

(1-406): View more from Montana

That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.

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(801): View more from Utah

I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.

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(734): View more from Michigan

If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I'm wearing red that night.

(301): View more from Maryland

Noted, what shade?

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Whore.

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(323): View more from California

He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I love you more than champagne and correct grammar

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(415): View more from California

When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?

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(208): View more from Idaho

I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear

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(416): View more from Toronto

Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.

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(614): View more from Ohio

If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out

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(301): View more from Maryland

I'm sorry my penis didn't work

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

so when am I gonna get some from you?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

when you dick grows 3 inches

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(314): View more from Missouri

I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..

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(518): View more from New York

I hraet yuo

(862): View more from New Jersey

did you say you heart me or hate me?

(518): View more from New York

who is this?

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(765): View more from Indiana

He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.

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(757): View more from Virginia

i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore

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(573): View more from Missouri

Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.

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(248): View more from Michigan

He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of

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(678): View more from Georgia

When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.

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(269): View more from Michigan

its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"

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(216): View more from Ohio

you turned your livingroom into a bong?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs

(609): View more from New Jersey

hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks

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(949): View more from California

if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex

(404): View more from Georgia

Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut

(770): View more from Georgia

Fuck. Wron person. But yea

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?

(408): View more from California

we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.

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(509): View more from Washington

Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.

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(231): View more from Michigan

You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.

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(714): View more from California

my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.

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(619): View more from California

Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.

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(941): View more from Florida

so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.

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(+66): View more from Thailand

A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure

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(954): View more from Florida

God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.

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(614): View more from Ohio

if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?

(1-614): View more from Ohio

i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.

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(805): View more from California

Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.

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(541): View more from Oregon

the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?

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(416): View more from Toronto

I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

6 min

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(812): View more from Indiana

If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.

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(510): View more from California

my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice

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(714): View more from California

He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.

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(509): View more from Washington

Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom

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(847): View more from Illinois

I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.

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(361): View more from Texas

She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.

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(979): View more from Texas

I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am

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(509): View more from Washington

Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?

(860): View more from Connecticut

Becoming a productive member of society?

(509): View more from Washington

Sam. Come on.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"

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(727): View more from Florida

i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Which ones?

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(708): View more from Illinois

This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.

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(757): View more from Virginia

There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.

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(815): View more from Illinois

We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.

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(587): View more from Alberta

Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!

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(802): View more from Vermont

So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.

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(646): View more from New York

Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B

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(614): View more from Ohio

He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.

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(979): View more from Texas

i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.

(903): View more from Texas

wow. i have no words.

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(845): View more from New York

I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.

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(+61): View more from Australia

She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.

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(760): View more from California

I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart

(508): View more from Massachusetts

These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work

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(248): View more from Michigan

Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The Swedes wanted a tensome.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

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(503): View more from Oregon

The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator

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(361): View more from Texas

I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.

(1-361): View more from Texas

Ew! He's just a child!

(361): View more from Texas

AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl

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(541): View more from Oregon

Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy

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(703): View more from Virginia

I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order

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(518): View more from New York

WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!

(315): View more from New York

... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...

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(417): View more from Missouri

I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.

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(858): View more from California

You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.

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(360): View more from Washington

No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober

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(847): View more from Illinois

Farmville is her only friend.

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(248): View more from Michigan

thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm

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(410): View more from Maryland

Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos

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(770): View more from Georgia

i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.

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(905): View more from Ontario

he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.

(1-931): View more from Tennessee

Wtf? What happened?

(931): View more from Tennessee

Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.

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(618): View more from Illinois

This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.

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(703): View more from Virginia

something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.

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(310): View more from California

I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.

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(360): View more from Washington

I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.

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(631): View more from New York

I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse

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(706): View more from Georgia

Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend

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(519): View more from Ontario

yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch

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(817): View more from Texas

Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake

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(860): View more from Connecticut

you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

peace be with you.

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(813): View more from Florida

Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.

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(416): View more from Ontario

i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones

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(410): View more from Maryland

I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old

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(409): View more from Texas

We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus

(1-409): View more from Texas

How are you texting me from 1998?

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(503): View more from Oregon

today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.

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(850): View more from Florida

We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.

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(818): View more from California

to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people

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(904): View more from Florida

i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school

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(303): View more from Colorado

there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation

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(801): View more from Utah

What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.

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(949): View more from California

She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?

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(626): View more from California

All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things

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(925): View more from California

Wait, how do girls masturbate?

(1-925): View more from California

I dunno we use shower heads I guess.

(925): View more from California

..how does it fit?

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(949): View more from California

is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??

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(519): View more from Ontario

mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing

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(503): View more from Oregon

I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.

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(845): View more from New York

Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."

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(302): View more from Delaware

Who goes to Church hungover

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk

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(561): View more from Florida

hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger

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(216): View more from Ohio

So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab

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(218): View more from Minnesota

If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks

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(914): View more from New York

I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE

(1-847): View more from Illinois

This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

I respect that

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(231): View more from Michigan

I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.

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(312): View more from Illinois

You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.

(612): View more from Minnesota

only room for one pussy in that bed.

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(513): View more from Ohio

And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit

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(936): View more from Texas

uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.

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(509): View more from Washington

Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters

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(425): View more from Washington

there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..

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(474): View more from

Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.

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(661): View more from California

It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.

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(206): View more from Washington

What should our trivia night team be named?

(925): View more from California

Define Statutory

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(618): View more from Illinois

I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?

(1-618): View more from Illinois

We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

We should party with her soon

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(301): View more from Maryland

Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Operation extremely regretful is in full effect

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(618): View more from Illinois

Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."

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(713): View more from Texas

He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.

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(906): View more from Michigan

last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that

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(319): View more from Iowa

i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines

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(831): View more from California

I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE

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(404): View more from Georgia

i may or may not be watching the land before time

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(509): View more from Washington

They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack

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(512): View more from Texas

Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer

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(509): View more from Washington

i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it

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(443): View more from Maryland

i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.

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(317): View more from Indiana

All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!

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(505): View more from New Mexico

you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.

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(248): View more from Michigan

sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass

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(386): View more from Florida

Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"

(1-386): View more from Florida

You're going home with him aren't you?

(386): View more from Florida

I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.

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(650): View more from California

the ice cream truck is coming omgomg

(1-650): View more from California

dude, it's 2 am.

(650): View more from California

but its COMING

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(905): View more from Toronto

Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?

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(914): View more from New York

Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.

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(954): View more from Florida

so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine

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(503): View more from Oregon

when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on

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(301): View more from Maryland

people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.

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(586): View more from Michigan

You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.

(248): View more from Michigan

You're ridiculous

(586): View more from Michigan

Your hot

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(917): View more from New York City

Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.

(347): View more from New York

I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.

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(941): View more from Florida

Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.

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(251): View more from Alabama

There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung

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(806): View more from Texas

I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.

(512): View more from Texas

Did it?

(806): View more from Texas

Not as such, no.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?

(401): View more from Rhode Island

we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He's almost as awesome as vicodin.

(513): View more from Ohio

Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you

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(435): View more from Utah

he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!

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(240): View more from Maryland

just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five

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(602): View more from Arizona

When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.

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(518): View more from New York

She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom

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(702): View more from Nevada

can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt

(702): View more from Nevada

maybe shoes and water too

(702): View more from Nevada

oh and maybe a noose to hang myself

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(510): View more from California

no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.

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(905): View more from Ontario

They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.

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(718): View more from New York

he told me my vagina needed a tic tac

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(815): View more from Illinois

my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!

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(425): View more from Washington

I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.

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(904): View more from Florida

the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless

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(812): View more from Indiana

Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.

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(613): View more from Ontario

You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.

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(734): View more from Michigan

she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story

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(239): View more from Florida

just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.

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(757): View more from Virginia

sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."

(401): View more from Rhode Island

I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.

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(518): View more from New York

They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.

(1-518): View more from New York

Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.

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(214): View more from Texas

He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks

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(281): View more from Texas

Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.

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(650): View more from California

I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.

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(217): View more from Illinois

you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012

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(309): View more from Illinois

My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass

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(906): View more from Michigan

Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore

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(312): View more from Illinois

kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.

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(917): View more from New York City

Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

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(310): View more from California

I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him

(310): View more from California

its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain

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(310): View more from California

I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I don't get it.

(501): View more from Arkansas

Me neither.

(501): View more from Arkansas

But I masturbated to it anyway.

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(713): View more from Texas

Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?

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(503): View more from Oregon

Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!

(985): View more from Louisiana

doesn't he have a girlfriend???

(504): View more from Louisiana

yeah...who do you think woke us up...

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(303): View more from Colorado

Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.

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(585): View more from New York

if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.

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(253): View more from Washington

So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas

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(760): View more from California

We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.

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(727): View more from Florida

I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Who haven't you slept with?

(703): View more from Virginia

No one comes to mind.

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(816): View more from Missouri

You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you

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(850): View more from Florida

If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.

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(819): View more from Quebec

She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad

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(239): View more from Florida

Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.

(860): View more from Connecticut

what did you do?

(203): View more from Connecticut

i asked her out. that's so hot.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving

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(253): View more from Washington

Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...

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(216): View more from Ohio

what is it with giant penises always finding me

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(815): View more from Illinois

I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me

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(678): View more from Georgia

I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?

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(773): View more from Illinois

she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable

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(905): View more from Ontario

She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period

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(502): View more from Kentucky

He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone

(1-540): View more from Virginia

I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her

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(914): View more from New York

He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

No

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(612): View more from Minnesota

the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."

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(334): View more from Alabama

Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.

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(360): View more from Washington

Edward fifth and chaser hands

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(831): View more from California

just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.

(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm moving there. Get me hired.

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(503): View more from Oregon

i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!

(360): View more from Washington

let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.

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(425): View more from Washington

Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?

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(972): View more from Texas

I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit

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(479): View more from Arkansas

How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.

(702): View more from Nevada

Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??

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(410): View more from Maryland

You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.

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(912): View more from Georgia

I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person

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(757): View more from Virginia

Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy

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(812): View more from Indiana

that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level

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(240): View more from Maryland

Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?

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(312): View more from Illinois

if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself

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(614): View more from Ohio

i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.

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(214): View more from Texas

So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.

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(631): View more from New York

You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows

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(914): View more from New York

Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class

(1-914): View more from New York

that is WHY your in summer classes

(914): View more from New York

worth it

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(386): View more from Florida

he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.

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(443): View more from Maryland

We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over

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(253): View more from Washington

The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

Dibsssss

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(432): View more from Texas

Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Wheres my essay?

(415): View more from California

You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?

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(+52): View more from Mexico

she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.

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(914): View more from New York

we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.

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(209): View more from California

He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia

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(606): View more from Kentucky

i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.

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(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

it's a girl!!

(614): View more from Ohio

That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out

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(+49): View more from Germany

Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face

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(616): View more from Michigan

A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?

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(334): View more from Alabama

I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.

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(646): View more from New York

She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."

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(845): View more from New York

tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.

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(917): View more from New York City

Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.

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(214): View more from Texas

I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.

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(845): View more from New York

I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar

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(719): View more from Colorado

Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.

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(805): View more from California

She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.

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(561): View more from Florida

hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?

(407): View more from Florida

i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery

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(856): View more from New Jersey

She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"

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(518): View more from New York

Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant

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(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

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(707): View more from California

She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.

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(516): View more from New York

Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great

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(208): View more from Idaho

I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....

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(678): View more from Georgia

You can't date a girl from every country.

(770): View more from Georgia

I'm the captain planet of women

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(914): View more from New York

im gay

(203): View more from Connecticut

i know

(914): View more from New York

yea but for you.

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(949): View more from California

I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?

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(513): View more from Ohio

Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol

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(707): View more from California

just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint

(203): View more from Connecticut

i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you

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(612): View more from Minnesota

she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)

(708): View more from Illinois

WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE

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(954): View more from Florida

Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.

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(512): View more from Texas

it hurts more in the daytime

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM

(616): View more from Michigan

Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?

(401): View more from Rhode Island

wait... oh

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..

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(973): View more from New Jersey

random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five

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(708): View more from Illinois

she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

We got so high we made milksteak

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(616): View more from Michigan

STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?

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(419): View more from Ohio

I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.

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(517): View more from Michigan

My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX

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(702): View more from Nevada

Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad

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(647): View more from Ontario

Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.

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(214): View more from Texas

LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.

(972): View more from Texas

I worry about you sometimes...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.

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(904): View more from Florida

pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left

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(478): View more from Georgia

yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"

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(512): View more from Texas

Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?

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(512): View more from Texas

You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.

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(251): View more from Alabama

Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?

(1-251): View more from Alabama

Why are you in my underwear drawer?

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(802): View more from Vermont

i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face

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(650): View more from California

I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm on page 4.

(678): View more from Georgia

Im on beer infinity

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(312): View more from Illinois

she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?

(1-312): View more from Illinois

not while she was awake

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(304): View more from West Virginia

But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game

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(303): View more from Colorado

You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Are we going out tonight?

(414): View more from Wisconsin

My conscience says no but my vag says yes

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(813): View more from Florida

Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....

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(919): View more from North Carolina

just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe

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(301): View more from Maryland

If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?

(513): View more from Ohio

Get out now.

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(361): View more from Texas

is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?

(702): View more from Nevada

not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning

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(614): View more from Ohio

Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.

(904): View more from Florida

FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift

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(303): View more from Colorado

there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome

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(970): View more from Colorado

Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.

(1-417): View more from Missouri

That's because you are an idiot.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

How have you survived this long?

(479): View more from Arkansas

Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

tequila makes me forget i have legs

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(602): View more from Arizona

Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.

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(406): View more from Montana

Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night

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(248): View more from Michigan

ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

for doing what?

(248): View more from Michigan

for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.

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(303): View more from Colorado

she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper

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(416): View more from Ontario

He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.

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(512): View more from Texas

just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.

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(937): View more from Ohio

fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses

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(+44): View more from England

You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background

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(813): View more from Florida

I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?

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(757): View more from Virginia

you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.

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(845): View more from New York

Just got motor boated by a horse in the street

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(561): View more from Florida

u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring

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(706): View more from Georgia

If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore

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(219): View more from Indiana

If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.

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(248): View more from Michigan

We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius

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(317): View more from Indiana

On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.

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(443): View more from Maryland

He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word

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(281): View more from Texas

Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.

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(248): View more from Michigan

There r osticjed everywhere

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(260): View more from Indiana

I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.

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(845): View more from New York

Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success

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(616): View more from Michigan

Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?

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(410): View more from Maryland

you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I don't remember. Are we still dating?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

wakey wakey hands off snakey

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days

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(605): View more from South Dakota

its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.

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(248): View more from Michigan

He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.

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(541): View more from Oregon

And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch

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(541): View more from Oregon

Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.

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(518): View more from New York

She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.

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(707): View more from California

I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"

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(786): View more from Florida

He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.

(507): View more from Minnesota

she is a standing ovation.

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(618): View more from Illinois

You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

can you come get me at the bar

(301): View more from Maryland

ill be there in 10 min

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

can we stop off at build a bear on the way home

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(330): View more from Ohio

ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face

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(425): View more from Washington

if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you

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(816): View more from Missouri

She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.

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(972): View more from Texas

And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

SEEEEXXX PLEASE

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(703): View more from Virginia

She'll never know what hit her

(1-703): View more from Virginia

I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.

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(407): View more from Florida

I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes

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(214): View more from Texas

Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.

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(216): View more from Ohio

guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight

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(254): View more from Texas

I am coming home for anal

(254): View more from Texas

* a nap*

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(303): View more from Colorado

We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks

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(678): View more from Georgia

Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.

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(210): View more from Texas

i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it

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(248): View more from Michigan

The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.

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(253): View more from Washington

Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"

(231): View more from Michigan

OMG its one we used last night

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.

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(360): View more from Washington

Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.

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(630): View more from Illinois

My bed smells like naked

(414): View more from Wisconsin

Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes

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(214): View more from Texas

Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?

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(907): View more from Alaska

I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘

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(423): View more from Tennessee

It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?

(467): View more from

I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?

(317): View more from Indiana

Can you ship it to me then?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow

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(818): View more from California

what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?

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(710): View more from

Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!

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(631): View more from New York

meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.

(516): View more from New York

wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!

(631): View more from New York

aww shit wrong text.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

i'm going to rape that little man

(414): View more from Wisconsin

omg not your brother

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(440): View more from Ohio

i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.

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(727): View more from Florida

So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend

(1-727): View more from Florida

Awkward

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(980): View more from North Carolina

I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.

(704): View more from North Carolina

oh, you finally did the dishes then?

(980): View more from North Carolina

No, bought new ones.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

A better fuck for starters.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere

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(865): View more from Tennessee

you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?

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(562): View more from California

tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will

(714): View more from California

and a girl gets the red ring of death every month

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(908): View more from New Jersey

im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis

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(248): View more from Michigan

I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing

(248): View more from Michigan

Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa

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(989): View more from Michigan

Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs

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(618): View more from Illinois

Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.

(309): View more from Illinois

Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?

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(714): View more from California

He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.

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(563): View more from Iowa

The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.

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(815): View more from Illinois

you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes

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(303): View more from Colorado

My liver just broke up with me...

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(228): View more from Mississippi

you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'

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(214): View more from Texas

so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings

(1-214): View more from Texas

dont u have athletes foot?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend

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(805): View more from California

I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.

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(585): View more from New York

Why was I handcuffed to the roof?

(518): View more from New York

It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly

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(770): View more from Georgia

He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...

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(804): View more from Virginia

where are you?

(914): View more from New York

in the room with the baby pig

(804): View more from Virginia

k im coming soon

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.

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(858): View more from California

you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"

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(954): View more from Florida

i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi

(425): View more from Washington

hahaha how?

(954): View more from Florida

its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery

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(519): View more from Ontario

Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.

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(917): View more from New York City

I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.

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(907): View more from Alaska

We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller

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(+61): View more from Australia

i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..

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(631): View more from New York

yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?

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(540): View more from Virginia

The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth

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(416): View more from Toronto

When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons

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(248): View more from Michigan

Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension

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(604): View more from British Columbia

i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS

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(416): View more from Toronto

this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me

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(320): View more from Minnesota

What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.

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(210): View more from Texas

How crunk are you?

(713): View more from Texas

I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins

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(716): View more from New York

When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.

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(386): View more from Florida

I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.

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(858): View more from California

anal on a first date. tsk tsk.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.

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(310): View more from California

Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

tequila

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.

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(503): View more from Oregon

you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?

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(903): View more from Texas

I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.

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(516): View more from New York

She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.

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(951): View more from California

Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

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(917): View more from New York City

I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.

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(845): View more from New York

you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively

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(858): View more from California

Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?

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(252): View more from North Carolina

i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.

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(562): View more from California

don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.

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(253): View more from Washington

oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.

(1-253): View more from Washington

I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.

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(512): View more from Texas

You surviving the open bar?

(1-512): View more from Texas

Super asto ex polenta omaha botad

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(515): View more from Iowa

You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Did it finish?

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(408): View more from California

Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos

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(309): View more from Illinois

We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo

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(706): View more from Georgia

Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note

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(352): View more from Florida

Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?

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(540): View more from Virginia

she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out

(803): View more from South Carolina

youve hit the jackpot

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(651): View more from Minnesota

dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex

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(623): View more from Arizona

Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.

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(530): View more from California

No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again

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(404): View more from Georgia

She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.

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(703): View more from Virginia

BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.

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(352): View more from Florida

I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.

(352): View more from Florida

Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.

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(847): View more from Illinois

This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...

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(805): View more from California

i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.

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(389): View more from

So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.

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(440): View more from Ohio

We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!

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(630): View more from Illinois

We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.

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(530): View more from California

You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.

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(212): View more from New York

??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.

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(954): View more from Florida

I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station

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(917): View more from New York City

My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".

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(214): View more from Texas

He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.

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(353): View more from

i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash

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(573): View more from Missouri

We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.

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(770): View more from Georgia

If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I think im pregnant

(803): View more from South Carolina

I think you have the wrong number

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(801): View more from Utah

we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious

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(954): View more from Florida

i just sent this text using only my big toe

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(516): View more from New York

what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.

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(408): View more from California

I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.

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(661): View more from California

so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.

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(310): View more from California

He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.

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(941): View more from Florida

She is totally STD

(941): View more from Florida

Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD

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(860): View more from Connecticut

isnt it creepy that our bodies make people

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(208): View more from Idaho

Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.

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(916): View more from California

God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.

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(817): View more from Texas

When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.

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(419): View more from Ohio

A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous

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(806): View more from Texas

Jesus knows you're telling a lie.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup

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(810): View more from Michigan

I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

Holy shittt I don't even have a bf

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(209): View more from California

Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.

Fav 9 861 4009
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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.

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(312): View more from Illinois

She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!

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(504): View more from Louisiana

You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.

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(602): View more from Arizona

you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!

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(303): View more from Colorado

So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle

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(407): View more from Florida

official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.

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(310): View more from California

It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.

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(313): View more from Michigan

You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you

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(540): View more from Virginia

she looked like the before picture.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house

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(201): View more from New Jersey

if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?

(1-920): View more from Wisconsin

no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?

(920): View more from Wisconsin

he wasn't. neither were you.

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(404): View more from Georgia

look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose

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(646): View more from New York

He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.

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(801): View more from Utah

As long as you're not dating white guys again.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation

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(281): View more from Texas

I just know... :) goodntight

(1-281): View more from Texas

Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.

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(516): View more from New York

She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning

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(360): View more from Washington

If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.

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(540): View more from Virginia

the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation

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(937): View more from Ohio

wtf. i just found you're porn stash.

(1-937): View more from Ohio

u like it?

(937): View more from Ohio

NOT THE POINT.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly

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(952): View more from Minnesota

You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear

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(740): View more from Ohio

he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?

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(678): View more from Georgia

That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?

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(808): View more from Hawaii

and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times

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(909): View more from California

I just didn't expect you to be so naked....

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,

(679): View more from Michigan

I wanted to be a dolphin.

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(941): View more from Florida

Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina

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(360): View more from Washington

You know you think of me naked too

(210): View more from Texas

Not since I found Jesus

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

I miss high conversations.

(270): View more from Kentucky

Swinging. Is. Amazing.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."

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(630): View more from Illinois

we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple

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(231): View more from Michigan

so then she threw up in his asshole

(1-231): View more from Michigan

yep..that'll do it.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.

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(214): View more from Texas

What do you think it is?

(615): View more from Tennessee

It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.

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(253): View more from Washington

Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.

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(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

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(661): View more from California

a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.

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(503): View more from Oregon

If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me

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(612): View more from Minnesota

If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

Or a large amount of condoms?!?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.

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(248): View more from Michigan

did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.

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(630): View more from Illinois

He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.

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(804): View more from Virginia

She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch

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(989): View more from Michigan

It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.

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(845): View more from New York

I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.

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(925): View more from California

I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'

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(609): View more from New Jersey

my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.

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(817): View more from Texas

i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side

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(970): View more from Colorado

She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.

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(818): View more from California

got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night

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(260): View more from Indiana

Are you dead

(1-260): View more from Indiana

Yes

(260): View more from Indiana

Oh man

(1-260): View more from Indiana

Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard

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(218): View more from Minnesota

My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.

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(804): View more from Virginia

my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.

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(703): View more from Virginia

i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.

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(647): View more from Ontario

there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Tell me the dirtiest joke you know

(1-907): View more from Alaska

Sarah Palin

(907): View more from Alaska

god, I love you

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(904): View more from Florida

watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk

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(518): View more from New York

You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them

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(757): View more from Virginia

I understand Curling. That high.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?

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(925): View more from California

This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.

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(417): View more from Missouri

He has such a weird drunk-voice.

(1-417): View more from Missouri

dude, he's deaf.

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(469): View more from Texas

Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.

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(305): View more from Florida

Party in the USA is so catchy!

(863): View more from Florida

Yea, so is AIDS.

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(917): View more from New York City

East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv

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(740): View more from Ohio

I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.

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(949): View more from California

you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."

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(631): View more from New York

U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?

(248): View more from Michigan

ya, gonna go have sex there?

(631): View more from New York

No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home

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(630): View more from Illinois

is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?

(815): View more from Illinois

that's gum

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(905): View more from Ontario

If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

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(847): View more from Illinois

I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna

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(260): View more from Indiana

apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"

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(973): View more from New Jersey

U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night

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(248): View more from Michigan

My nipple is on Facebook.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I had another sleeping on concrete incident.

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(513): View more from Ohio

We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..

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(609): View more from New Jersey

No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I just threw up on my dentist

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(865): View more from Tennessee

mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.

(1-865): View more from Tennessee

i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.

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(302): View more from Delaware

My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall

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(206): View more from Washington

LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.

(919): View more from North Carolina

RIP Mr Bojangles.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.

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(917): View more from New York City

Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?

(212): View more from New York

Vagina

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(703): View more from Virginia

I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.

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(585): View more from New York

the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.

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(661): View more from California

Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC

(831): View more from California

Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.

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(708): View more from Illinois

He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?

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(207): View more from Maine

I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does

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(609): View more from New Jersey

this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(917): View more from New York City

half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?

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(410): View more from Maryland

I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?

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(760): View more from California

I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over

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(219): View more from Indiana

Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

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(516): View more from New York

There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face

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(917): View more from New York City

im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(734): View more from Michigan

Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom

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(248): View more from Michigan

Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?

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(647): View more from Ontario

Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

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(972): View more from Texas

I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.

(1-972): View more from Texas

I want to be a cop.

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(360): View more from Washington

i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew

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(916): View more from California

So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so horny!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so hungry

(508): View more from Massachusetts

WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

For your pussy...

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(703): View more from Virginia

How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(908): View more from New Jersey

It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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(315): View more from New York

Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love

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(305): View more from Florida

I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".

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(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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(954): View more from Florida

I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza

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(971): View more from Oregon

I have two black x marks on my hands.

(503): View more from Oregon

Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

(971): View more from Oregon

damnit I wish I could remember that.

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(618): View more from Illinois

The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass

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(240): View more from Maryland

I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina

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(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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(562): View more from California

omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.

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(212): View more from New York

I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(443): View more from Maryland

We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....

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(847): View more from Illinois

He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

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(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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(910): View more from North Carolina

wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

(910): View more from North Carolina

IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

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(661): View more from California

the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

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(410): View more from Maryland

so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

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(913): View more from Kansas

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're the best girlfriend ever.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(419): View more from Ohio

doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.

(720): View more from Colorado

Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?

(303): View more from Colorado

my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT

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(402): View more from Nebraska

what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

are you high?

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(708): View more from Illinois

This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram

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