Texts From Last Night · Dahlia_de

Sorry buflosrevenge hasn't picked any favorites yet.

Dahlia_de_Rouge's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(630): View more from Illinois

Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze

Fav 3 1555 748
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?

Fav 22 4077 927
share tweet

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

they paper machayed me.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.

Fav 5 3624 898
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sorry. Im on my way.

Fav 23 6539 1353
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"

(308): View more from Nebraska

Stop drinking at work.

Fav 8 3905 1221
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex

Fav 9 2767 1032
share tweet

(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.

Fav 4 3468 1146
share tweet

(919): View more from North Carolina

she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game

Fav 11 3483 1212
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".

Fav 8 3552 1079
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers

Fav 14 4437 1247
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I need hand sanitizer and jesus.

Fav 15 2290 2987
share tweet

(703): View more from Virginia

I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.

Fav 8 3836 1045
share tweet

(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

Fav 27 10891 1408
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high

Fav 11 5341 1611
share tweet

(513): View more from Ohio

sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.

Fav 16 7204 1251
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.

Fav 15 10193 1426
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us

Fav 13 1734 3221
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.

Fav 39 9613 1318
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job

Fav 21 3922 2483
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am

Fav 24 4404 886
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.

Fav 28 8298 1279
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

i want to fuck

(320): View more from Minnesota

?

(701): View more from North Dakota

it's pretty self explanatory

Fav 62 7964 1296
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.

Fav 35 1915 6913
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?

Fav 30 998 9647
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.

Fav 50 3551 1285
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.

Fav 9 3180 1623
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.

Fav 21 918 2154
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Wait, how do girls masturbate?

(1-925): View more from California

I dunno we use shower heads I guess.

(925): View more from California

..how does it fit?

Fav 85 2409 6181
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.

Fav 34 5545 1411
share tweet
(432): View more from Texas

Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"

Fav 20 9898 1515
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.

Fav 26 5583 1616
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.

Fav 8 7514 1372
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.

Fav 3 2199 1313
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Hopefully she would park on my face.

Fav 21 6689 1358
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"

Fav 52 9827 1245
share tweet
(132): View more from

if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder

Fav 43 1780 1284
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.

Fav 18 8172 1567
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

You can't date a girl from every country.

(770): View more from Georgia

I'm the captain planet of women

Fav 19 5333 879
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.

Fav 24 8249 1381
share tweet
(619): View more from California

i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.

Fav 20 8596 1241
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

Who goes to Church hungover

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk

Fav 42 15402 1782
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk

Fav 4 5225 859
share tweet
(818): View more from California

apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"

Fav 20 6977 2836
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.

Fav 32 5880 1373
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!

Fav 16 3451 1478
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward

Fav 10 3586 1152
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good

(1-703): View more from Virginia

that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna

Fav 7 4557 1312
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

We welcome drunken adversity.

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

With open legs.

Fav 12 4056 1615
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.

Fav 14 4412 2004
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat

Fav 17 4704 1457
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

Fav 14 12316 1862
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.

Fav 5 3564 1060
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.

Fav 15 1514 3464
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.

Fav 5 2592 1158
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME

Fav 15 6680 1268
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body

(508): View more from Massachusetts

how many servings is brandon's dick?

Fav 57 5539 1005
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.

Fav 5 4582 1224
share tweet
(925): View more from California

dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning

Fav 20 5761 1290
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it

(919): View more from North Carolina

Are you talking about my vagina?

Fav 29 9217 1266
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.

Fav 15 5588 1292
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.

Fav 10 1614 2647
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.

Fav 12 4815 1189
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"

Fav 15 4900 4359
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.

Fav 14 6690 1328
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.

Fav 16 5791 1560
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.

Fav 10 1676 2561
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back

Fav 33 4608 1760
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.

Fav 4 4479 1201
share tweet
(949): View more from California

you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one

Fav 10 6570 1879
share tweet
(760): View more from California

He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?

Fav 6 3567 1195
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.

Fav 9 1752 2623
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..

Fav 4 2481 1299
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?

Fav 6 1442 3299
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.

Fav 4 2163 1339
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.

Fav 4 2499 1345
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.

Fav 24 1846 3342
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty

Fav 29 1833 4499
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.

Fav 24 4934 1342
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.

Fav 17 4677 1300
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"

Fav 18 6929 1478
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.

Fav 13 3761 1218
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.

Fav 6 4066 1029
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.

Fav 14 8056 1246
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

Fav 46 21533 1605
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

RUDE.

(248): View more from Michigan

I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

outsmarted mickey deeeees

Fav 11 3403 1075
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head

Fav 23 8265 1670
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.

Fav 6 3915 1278
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.

Fav 73 9585 1735
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta

Fav 8 4137 1658
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.

Fav 4 2055 1361
share tweet
(530): View more from California

I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will

Fav 4 3767 1025
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it

Fav 15 4605 1123
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead

Fav 18 5753 1563
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.

(519): View more from Ontario

She did the bend and snap...

Fav 29 8078 1498
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.

Fav 90 14088 2037
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.

Fav 15 5482 1512
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me

Fav 39 8122 1752
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.

Fav 18 5456 832
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.

(812): View more from Indiana

and...?

(936): View more from Texas

I told him it was alright.

Fav 28 4330 6051
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.

Fav 24 7714 1405
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.

Fav 20 6619 1021
share tweet
(772): View more from Florida

you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted

Fav 39 5584 1078
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad

Fav 9 4306 1669
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.

Fav 6 3866 901
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.

Fav 12 4109 1623
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.

Fav 13 4394 1446
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."

Fav 6 4986 1799
share tweet
(510): View more from California

Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"

Fav 14 3656 1843
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.

Fav 31 7810 1631
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window

Fav 10 3437 1745
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay

Fav 15 4497 2286
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.

Fav 27 6080 1525
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.

Fav 15 5779 1341
share tweet
(831): View more from California

Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.

Fav 20 6881 1570
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.

Fav 7 4078 1579
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.

Fav 13 6319 1311
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

Fav 17 9489 1645
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.

Fav 2 2857 1095
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.

Fav 5 2208 1299
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.

Fav 6 3313 1450
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again

Fav 14 7512 1780
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.

Fav 21 5745 1493
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.

Fav 15 812 3352
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.

Fav 13 2207 847
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?

Fav 32 3653 1549
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic

Fav 4 2853 930
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby

Fav 25 3443 7135
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

That's science, my friend. Boner science.

Fav 7 3399 1352
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher

Fav 5 2591 1305
share tweet
(308): View more from Nebraska

this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous

Fav 16 1023 3202
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.

Fav 6 2166 1617
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.

Fav 11 4595 1523
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases

Fav 14 5461 1637
share tweet
(772): View more from Florida

bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls

Fav 58 2751 8332
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.

Fav 8 4900 1595
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now

Fav 21 5244 901
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.

Fav 71 8428 2041
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.

Fav 23 5255 1245
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I really wanna talk..

(1-817): View more from Texas

if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down

Fav 82 8306 1251
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.

Fav 23 7520 1160
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.

Fav 41 9811 1750
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

scale of 1-10 how well do I give head

(1-907): View more from Alaska

5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.

Fav 75 4630 1574
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?

Fav 63 5606 752
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.

Fav 30 5499 1838
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was

Fav 58 17389 2471
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"

Fav 27 6524 1233
share tweet
(760): View more from California

My pussy is not your playground.

Fav 63 1720 5737
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.

Fav 25 5000 1456
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer

Fav 12 6482 1656
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.

Fav 22 2277 9000
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?

Fav 26 6268 1374
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.

Fav 15 1063 5784
share tweet
(619): View more from California

i miss you so much

(858): View more from California

i miss you too

(858): View more from California

oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me

Fav 16 3213 1314
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears

Fav 21 7677 1270
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.

Fav 25 1685 10137
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache

Fav 22 4841 966
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.

Fav 15 7745 1261
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.

Fav 1 2981 949
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?

Fav 14 10069 2797
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.

Fav 15 3652 1693
share tweet
(510): View more from California

EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!

Fav 22 2088 6397
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.

Fav 12 5082 1994
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.

Fav 5 4255 1247
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.

Fav 5 2118 3048
share tweet
(+47): View more from Norway

i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls

Fav 48 11108 1526
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

How was dinner with ur grandparents?

(1-607): View more from New York

I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."

Fav 18 1787 6964
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get

Fav 18 1549 4294
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.

Fav 85 11154 2920
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.

Fav 15 5230 1286
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.

(480): View more from Arizona

k i'll be over in 5.

Fav 101 15214 1620
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?

Fav 5 891 1877
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

did you get my message about your dog?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

no... is he ok?

(248): View more from Michigan

no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry

Fav 16 916 3134
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text

Fav 5 5201 1205
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course

Fav 25 5433 1395
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"

Fav 21 1901 5944
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.

Fav 15 8119 1220
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Whats up?

(402): View more from Nebraska

Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down

(847): View more from Illinois

Stay up. I'm coming home in a little

(402): View more from Nebraska

Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you

Fav 2 2703 1144
share tweet
(408): View more from California

She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...

Fav 153 2496 26568
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance

Fav 38 2427 10387
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!

Fav 259 5459 5327
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.

Fav 7 4057 1008
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"

Fav 12 6844 1489
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight

Fav 10 4442 1286
share tweet
(619): View more from California

im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.

Fav 9 5208 1215
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.

Fav 10 4264 2015
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.

Fav 24 9468 1443
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??

Fav 146 1324 5306
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.

Fav 2 931 2370
share tweet
(626): View more from California

One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska

Fav 16 4855 1771
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.

Fav 6 2883 2133
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes

Fav 55 1001 5988
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Did we have sex?

(1-706): View more from Georgia

No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left

Fav 24 961 5471
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"

Fav 6 1331 2914
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

Fav 47 29988 1755
share tweet
(328): View more from

im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?

(1-328): View more from

anal.

Fav 33 6155 1790
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls

Fav 20 3654 1084
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I love you

(720): View more from Colorado

are you drunk

(440): View more from Ohio

yes but I def love you, we should get married

(720): View more from Colorado

But I'm Jewish

(440): View more from Ohio

embrace Jesus

Fav 9 3505 1160
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here

(1-208): View more from Idaho

what the hell does that mean?

(208): View more from Idaho

nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages

Fav 26 2997 4401
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap

Fav 18 5711 973
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..

Fav 5 2844 1495
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.

Fav 16 1425 4936
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?

(1-586): View more from Michigan

and what kinds of feelings would these be?

(586): View more from Michigan

Happy, horny, occasionally hungry

Fav 7 1764 719
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Have you learned any life lessons?

(406): View more from Montana

I like big butts and I cannot lie.

Fav 11 3370 1125
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.

Fav 15 1240 6201
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening

(508): View more from Massachusetts

yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night

Fav 45 5823 936
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.

Fav 6 5733 1269
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.

Fav 52 11864 1485
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out

Fav 106 21756 1484
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?

Fav 17 5665 1502
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?

Fav 20 6361 1048
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

Fav 22 11144 2456
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]

Fav 29 12047 2999
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

Fav 29 17913 1675
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.

Fav 14 4564 1496
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.

Fav 116 3275 21035
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls

Fav 5 1064 2940
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.

Fav 24 8475 1578
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

Fav 111 30495 1715
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.

(614): View more from Ohio

My vagina agrees.

Fav 20 6616 1207
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.

Fav 25 9877 1327
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.

Fav 6 3866 1177
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.

Fav 18 7766 1329
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

Fav 50 18540 1571
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.

Fav 16 3395 1272
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.

Fav 24 5360 997
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you

Fav 11 1568 1123
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.

Fav 14 4504 1004
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?

Fav 2 1685 1158
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.

Fav 4 4218 1203
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.

Fav 11 8752 1331
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.

Fav 4 3445 1296
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor

Fav 5 4772 1151
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport

Fav 22 10557 1414
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch

Fav 7 7340 1399
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

i am grossed the fuck out

Fav 90 1136 7014
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.

Fav 5 3206 680
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."

Fav 16 2350 1321
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location

Fav 16 9973 1747
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.

Fav 14 6575 1131
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"

Fav 23 1790 8110
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.

Fav 6 3991 1168
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

New charity walk idea!

Fav 31 13773 1365
share tweet
(510): View more from California

dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?

Fav 21 6647 1118
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.

Fav 34 8167 1051
share tweet
(559): View more from California

So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?

(1-559): View more from California

That depends on who this is.

Fav 42 15246 2557
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

I'm jealous of your bromance

Fav 2 1455 847
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.

Fav 12 1720 4808
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.

Fav 8 4677 1201
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo

Fav 4 1553 836
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time

(732): View more from New Jersey

no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.

Fav 23 9104 1594
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores

Fav 13 3953 757
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.

Fav 16 6388 1516
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice

Fav 15 6072 1182
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?

Fav 29 2635 5115
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day

Fav 18 6714 809
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.

Fav 61 29236 1746
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)

(1-775): View more from Nevada

Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.

Fav 14 5174 1024
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Did we use protection last night?

(1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

Um, no...keep in touch, okay?

Fav 46 1567 15187
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?

Fav 27 6456 1092
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.

Fav 5 1301 6466
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.

Fav 6 5962 1226
share tweet
(980): View more from North Carolina

when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.

Fav 14 6486 1183
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.

Fav 17 9423 1218
share tweet
(925): View more from California

if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars

Fav 16 5442 1554
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

Fav 25 21252 1555
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.

(770): View more from Georgia

WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!

Fav 49 1721 7461
share tweet
(714): View more from California

so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.

(1-714): View more from California

yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...

Fav 91 1346 2871
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you

Fav 17 4496 1597
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?

Fav 17 5440 1368
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.

Fav 15 7450 1469
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence

(415): View more from California

shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.

Fav 12 8857 1351
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard

Fav 12 5469 1375
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.

Fav 19 6447 1520
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.

Fav 29 2417 971
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.

Fav 17 2329 2977
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?

(1-218): View more from Minnesota

Both?

Fav 21 9780 1537
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before

Fav 15 4932 863
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.

Fav 8 3407 889
share tweet
(805): View more from California

Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?

(1-805): View more from California

Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.

Fav 27 1120 3116
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper

Fav 9 3128 809
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.

Fav 6 2082 3821
share tweet
(949): View more from California

so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"

Fav 17 7138 1082
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.

Fav 116 7087 1964
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time

(1-763): View more from Minnesota

Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.

Fav 29 1471 3054
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

I don't want you to recite the pledge!

(631): View more from New York

Pledge alligien to america to united states of america

Fav 20 3980 1161
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate

Fav 18 2177 5056
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.

Fav 16 4438 1203
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant

Fav 8 1052 4192
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.

Fav 6 4336 1384
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

You told him you loved him!?

(1-260): View more from Indiana

I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.

Fav 6 2952 1226
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.

Fav 3 3541 1080
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood

Fav 15 1178 4815
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.

Fav 6 3192 1159
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink

Fav 9 6735 1597
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time

Fav 18 3833 2019
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.

Fav 15 1374 3660
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.

Fav 17 5971 1359
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up

Fav 9 5358 1249
share tweet
(805): View more from California

He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.

Fav 13 1738 5543
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard

Fav 9 1903 3422
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

OMG THAT WAS YOU?!

Fav 43 9911 1850
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.

Fav 35 6471 1288
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...

Fav 12 1200 3987
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll

Fav 9 3323 1311
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.

Fav 25 6604 2303
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.

Fav 25 9660 1312
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.

Fav 25 1961 6034
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you

Fav 11 6448 1366
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.

Fav 7 6480 1528
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS

Fav 97 2038 8024
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

whats a bus flip?

(225): View more from Louisiana

idk but apparently i invented it

Fav 23 10169 1407
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.

Fav 16 867 4480
share tweet
(510): View more from California

I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.

Fav 5 1353 2955
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.

Fav 17 4956 1558
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night

Fav 12 4965 1076
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.

Fav 7 5960 1504
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.

Fav 14 6177 1465
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.

Fav 5 2180 1849
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer

Fav 8 3347 1366
share tweet
(323): View more from California

Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.

Fav 6 3879 1121
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors

Fav 14 1422 5252
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.

Fav 9 2667 1582
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside

Fav 8 3543 1211
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.

Fav 4 5541 1191
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?

Fav 7 3289 1362
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.

Fav 4 5232 1258
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster

Fav 9 2952 1381
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.

Fav 18 6916 1343
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.

Fav 10 7283 1526
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts

Fav 28 5346 1277
share tweet
(323): View more from California

I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.

Fav 13 6090 994
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.

Fav 30 8451 1493
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.

(1-941): View more from Florida

That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.

Fav 36 1356 3795
share tweet
(916): View more from California

You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..

Fav 24 1218 9598
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

this is a time for prayers...seriously

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.

Fav 22 5400 1714
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to

Fav 36 6718 2571
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.

Fav 20 3894 1028
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.

Fav 5 4993 1199
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.

Fav 6 2807 900
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was

Fav 51 1401 9294
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.

Fav 11 3684 879
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.

(478): View more from Georgia

Moment of silence for the loss of that option.

Fav 29 2571 7755
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.

Fav 12 4840 1279
share tweet
(+86): View more from China

Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.

Fav 10 6116 1678
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.

Fav 9 4528 1214
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you

Fav 20 5964 2307
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.

Fav 11 6994 1501
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.

Fav 10 6197 1291
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.

Fav 18 3807 1327
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock

Fav 12 3036 1423
share tweet
(415): View more from California

dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.

Fav 25 9647 1672
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?

Fav 82 3162 867
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.

(719): View more from Colorado

she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.

(414): View more from Wisconsin

are you serious?

Fav 50 1593 19818
share tweet
(760): View more from California

she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.

Fav 24 2062 4416
share tweet
(310): View more from California

i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.

Fav 10 2928 837
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!

Fav 3 1857 1085
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.

Fav 19 4395 1527
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.

Fav 8 7515 1749
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.

Fav 69 9389 1183
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM

Fav 27 8988 1176
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?

(1-702): View more from Nevada

You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.

Fav 54 2379 7913
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would

Fav 7 3850 1280
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple

Fav 60 1114 6476
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

This beer is not sobering me up at all

Fav 13 8181 1577
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.

Fav 1 1343 1405
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

You're a womanizer and a bitch.

Fav 1 1329 1322
share tweet
(830): View more from Texas

What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple

Fav 9 4310 1227
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?

Fav 14 4304 1051
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.

Fav 13 2654 1425
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot

Fav 6 2159 1651
share tweet
(951): View more from California

Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants

Fav 8 3664 1213
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?

Fav 32 11264 1510
share tweet
(909): View more from California

According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack

Fav 15 4153 1818
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

Fav 19 16127 2493
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids

Fav 25 10802 1901
share tweet
(510): View more from California

It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...

Fav 6 3707 863
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

Fav 56 16892 1911
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in

Fav 14 4885 2506
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.

Fav 19 4035 1847
share tweet
(310): View more from California

He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.

Fav 12 4716 1107
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"

Fav 16 8176 1433
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?

(847): View more from Illinois

Beat you to it.

Fav 9 2014 840
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.

Fav 16 4356 1357
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

i would one night stand the shit outta him

Fav 11 5947 1202
share tweet
(320): View more from Minnesota

Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.

Fav 10 1453 4397
share tweet
(707): View more from California

She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.

Fav 15 5429 2105
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted

Fav 6 3788 1200
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form

Fav 6 4769 1360
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.

Fav 29 9342 2132
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine

Fav 21 3934 2112
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.

Fav 11 4840 1296
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

She went from zero to smokin in five shots

Fav 1 2472 1081
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Best. Handjob. Ever.

(905): View more from Ontario

I'm guessing Kelly is over?

(416): View more from Toronto

Nope. Home alone.

Fav 20 6306 3382
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.

Fav 80 1003 6887
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?

Fav 31 8592 2357
share tweet
(786): View more from Florida

And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.

Fav 3 3430 1206
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"

Fav 13 5014 1658
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to

Fav 33 2000 4736
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.

Fav 32 4131 1174
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"

Fav 15 5389 1555
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot

Fav 52 5812 1878
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over

Fav 318 5850 3328
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.

Fav 17 3934 1189
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Are you with Adam and his vodka?

(1-516): View more from New York

Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued

Fav 29 4501 872
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...

Fav 4 821 3115
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.

Fav 10 3976 1249
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.

Fav 21 5176 1474
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.

Fav 11 5243 1461
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Mommy issues

Fav 4 1207 2082
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.

Fav 12 3899 1335
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

so I ended up banging her last night

(1-414): View more from Wisconsin

dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?

(414): View more from Wisconsin

i don't even remember

Fav 8 1100 3932
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.

Fav 11 3714 1807
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.

Fav 16 3127 2398
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."

Fav 21 6483 1083
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?

Fav 77 5885 872
share tweet
(415): View more from California

was it good sex?

(510): View more from California

i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was

Fav 13 4460 1156
share tweet
(079): View more from

I think we need to take a brake

(078): View more from

What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'

Fav 18 1254 1542
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle

(648): View more from

Since when is drunk an angle?

Fav 12 7583 1291
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.

Fav 5 3737 1439
share tweet
(619): View more from California

i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die

Fav 18 1562 5308
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.

Fav 29 4972 1639
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.

Fav 10 3282 1242
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.

Fav 5 3818 1152
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"

Fav 20 4768 1073
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.

Fav 39 2146 5762
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?

(480): View more from Arizona

You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.

Fav 38 7798 1090
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem

Fav 6 1230 1758
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.

Fav 3 3800 1671
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?

Fav 28 1534 6156
share tweet
(949): View more from California

I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.

Fav 24 5683 943
share tweet
(408): View more from California

Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand

Fav 31 5149 921
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

honey bunches of taint.

Fav 11 1379 3030
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.

Fav 5 2364 844
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

Fav 44 15905 1914
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them

Fav 41 4506 1860
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"

Fav 12 1355 4773
share tweet
(310): View more from California

When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth

Fav 17 4898 1268
share tweet
(819): View more from Quebec

I woke up to her vacumming the grass

Fav 18 5813 1480
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

This kid is drunk.

(410): View more from Maryland

I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.

Fav 6 8347 1330
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers

(1-205): View more from Alabama

yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....

Fav 62 11074 1183
share tweet
(587): View more from Alberta

the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"

Fav 7 1278 5324
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.

Fav 24 6558 1654
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux

Fav 13 8088 1285
share tweet
(310): View more from California

she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex

(1-310): View more from California

wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh

Fav 17 1384 4533
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit

Fav 51 2754 14320
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

(949): View more from California

I gave it to your brother to give to you.

Fav 57 14526 5762
share tweet
(510): View more from California

i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me

Fav 65 2427 12818
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.

Fav 19 4975 1958
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you

Fav 3 4108 1077
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.

Fav 18 8124 1226
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around

Fav 41 1068 3701
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.

Fav 48 1404 4618
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.

Fav 22 1190 4649
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?

Fav 10 932 1499
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.

Fav 30 7298 1357
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

I believe so, yes.

(479): View more from Arkansas

Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?

Fav 46 2686 1098
share tweet
(310): View more from California

i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?

Fav 23 1123 1971
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!

(1-248): View more from Michigan

What does that mean?

(248): View more from Michigan

How when the cu k dos I yet u

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Focus

Fav 13 2301 1076
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

and then ....

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.

Fav 24 6406 1956
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.

Fav 12 4205 1190
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.

Fav 23 6241 1606
share tweet
(530): View more from California

If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...

Fav 14 2441 3317
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?

(212): View more from New York

Vagina

Fav 9 2700 1020
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.

Fav 22 5149 1570
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?

Fav 28 6309 1341
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

Two?

(404): View more from Georgia

Two.

Fav 264 5198 80180
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.

Fav 1 1248 816
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud

Fav 25 5461 1041
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.

Fav 17 4257 1854
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..

Fav 16 1536 4511
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed

Fav 8 4095 1410
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him

Fav 19 1779 3483
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles

Fav 8 1654 2762
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?

Fav 15 4980 1376
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?

Fav 19 4800 1495
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.

Fav 7 4941 1899
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!

Fav 370 5222 5861
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.

(662): View more from Mississippi

He was trying to put me in handcuffs.

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

You have my attention.

Fav 25 2242 927
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"

Fav 19 11273 1739
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.

Fav 10 3818 1693
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.

Fav 30 15357 1683
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

What happened to chicks over dicks?

(1-514): View more from Quebec

That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..

Fav 50 8881 1353
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.

Fav 5 5665 1309
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat

Fav 19 7176 1488
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick

Fav 25 1064 4411
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.

(661): View more from California

Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.

Fav 16 3953 996
share tweet
(916): View more from California

put your butt on the phone this is a booty call

Fav 25 3369 1014
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Writing my paper on freud at bar

(917): View more from New York City

??

(203): View more from Connecticut

Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children

(917): View more from New York City

Smooth

Fav 8 2061 1059
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up

Fav 27 3094 5218
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush

(703): View more from Virginia

Ew, did you brush them again?

(301): View more from Maryland

Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure

Fav 7 857 1525
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?

Fav 55 12488 1500
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!

Fav 18 1753 2981
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.

Fav 8 2874 951
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.

(708): View more from Illinois

May it rest in peace.

Fav 17 4944 1779
share tweet
(909): View more from California

dude i'm inner monologue high

Fav 21 4564 929
share tweet
(243): View more from

the bitch is dead man

(1-243): View more from

YOUR DOG DIED?

(243): View more from

no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.

Fav 3 1728 956
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...

Fav 27 7116 1378
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.

(352): View more from Florida

Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.

Fav 41 1921 4385
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

Does God suck his dick?

Fav 105 1619 6128
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?

(214): View more from Texas

Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?

Fav 87 2014 5405
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you

Fav 5 946 3285
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood

Fav 4 4347 955
share tweet
(310): View more from California

it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.

Fav 30 10906 1334
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..

(219): View more from Indiana

you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.

(646): View more from New York

nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..

Fav 31 1580 5070
share tweet
(310): View more from California

dude i need help, im throwing up blood.

(323): View more from California

no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.

(310): View more from California

oh, so thats why my junks red.

(323): View more from California

wow. cant help you there...

Fav 15 1143 1919
share tweet
(310): View more from California

i fucked a milf yesterday.

(619): View more from California

i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.

Fav 28 14080 2295
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

Fav 66 26246 3371
share tweet
(283): View more from Ohio

she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.

Fav 8 4690 1125
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone

Fav 8 8534 1442
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone

Fav 13 4733 1085
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to

Fav 9 5359 1241
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.

Fav 73 8915 1736
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

Fav 50 20775 2681
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

youre welcome

Fav 10 6106 1376
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before

Fav 17 2199 4749
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.

Fav 13 4788 1461
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.

Fav 95 6262 1477
share tweet
(559): View more from California

if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean

Fav 5 1155 2273
share tweet
(408): View more from California

every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.

Fav 10 3227 1168
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic

Fav 12 1671 4649
share tweet
(415): View more from California

It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.

Fav 18 5276 2526
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.

Fav 23 8697 2000
share tweet
(323): View more from California

Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.

Fav 7 4045 1280
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.

Fav 16 6288 1358
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"

Fav 29 10387 1244
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.

Fav 30 997 3505
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.

Fav 10 11232 1002
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.

Fav 14 5084 880
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.

Fav 12 1619 4890
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"

Fav 8 1490 3985
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.

Fav 16 7277 2628
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?

Fav 14 4048 2100
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?

Fav 2 3066 1229
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Am I supposed to find that romantic?

Fav 19 7156 2828
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out

Fav 3 5662 1526
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever

Fav 18 4646 1320
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much

Fav 26 10895 1535
share tweet
(752): View more from California

i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt

Fav 50 6442 1304
share tweet
(1-917): View more from New York City

you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...

(917): View more from New York City

oh thats it?

Fav 7 4876 846
share tweet
(209): View more from California

Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?

Fav 53 3771 968
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.

Fav 18 914 3881
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.

Fav 34 1271 12872
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"

Fav 30 9572 1755
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.

Fav 71 6586 1167
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.

Fav 14 4901 1231
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.

Fav 23 1406 4225
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.

Fav 42 10481 1260
share tweet
(209): View more from California

You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.

Fav 23 2494 7211
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.

Fav 14 4523 1230
share tweet
(905): View more from Toronto

so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.

Fav 126 23963 2242
share tweet
(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.

Fav 8 4503 1341
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.

Fav 38 4484 1035
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands

Fav 15 7457 1997
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.

Fav 7 5576 2830
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.

Fav 28 6771 1319
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.

Fav 21 1058 3065
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.

Fav 19 8465 1168
share tweet
(442): View more from California

seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong

Fav 16 1943 3974
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport

Fav 40 4289 807
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.

Fav 8 3973 1184
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.

Fav 9 3568 1286
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.

Fav 40 4202 5390
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

fucking a dude

(703): View more from Virginia

i mean: fucking a, dude

(703): View more from Virginia

wow, that comma made all the difference there

Fav 93 11883 1514
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.

Fav 30 4504 1143
share tweet
(415): View more from California

I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"

Fav 11 8458 1524
share tweet
(916): View more from California

I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"

Fav 47 5188 1068
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.

Fav 21 5563 1566
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period

Fav 17 1222 3568
share tweet
(408): View more from California

When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.

Fav 26 9446 1145
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm in love with you.

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

huh?

(860): View more from Connecticut

Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.

Fav 14 3503 1065
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.

Fav 16 3334 1037
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..

Fav 20 1825 6318
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.

Fav 19 1318 6224
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.

Fav 29 1039 4814
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.

Fav 17 12046 1495
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops

Fav 19 13340 1449
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"

Fav 20 8984 1645
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.

Fav 14 5888 2493
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.

Fav 15 6914 1733
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Because we had sex in one.

Fav 7 6022 1254
share tweet
(310): View more from California

You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.

Fav 3 3450 1178
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse

Fav 3 3264 1187
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had

Fav 9 3650 1002
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me

Fav 4 2833 1164
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.

Fav 24 10365 2496
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....

Fav 10 6714 1823
share tweet
(559): View more from California

I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.

Fav 6 5932 2076
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.

Fav 5 2704 1000
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.

Fav 3 2219 3215
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.

Fav 8 4164 1170
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.

Fav 8 4288 1434
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.

Fav 14 7504 1455
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"

Fav 11 5504 1230
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day

Fav 8 10221 1316
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.

Fav 3 2826 964
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.

Fav 5 2861 1003
share tweet
(498): View more from

You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.

Fav 7 3591 1220
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".

Fav 8 7574 1345
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe

Fav 4 4684 1180
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.

Fav 20 5759 1322
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.

Fav 9 7737 1440
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.

Fav 14 5754 1004
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze

Fav 6 3031 1478
share tweet
(310): View more from California

If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is

Fav 9 4182 1275
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time

Fav 15 4475 1523
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first

Fav 11 4925 1379
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.

Fav 7 6038 1504
share tweet
(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.

Fav 11 1099 3046
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.

Fav 9 5590 1224
share tweet
(339): View more from Massachusetts

he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool

Fav 5 2517 1572
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...

Fav 15 5668 1280
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes

Fav 4 4381 1268
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.

Fav 8 3239 1265
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card

Fav 4 3514 1112
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.

Fav 4 2269 1664
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall

Fav 4 4324 1725
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?

Fav 11 3196 1016
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants

Fav 12 3472 1453
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message

Fav 7 5331 1386
share tweet
(530): View more from California

I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!

Fav 62 6951 1073
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.

Fav 17 1481 3724
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.

Fav 100 4359 906
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.

Fav 106 5640 1186
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Bea Arthur died yesterday

(240): View more from Maryland

You shut your stupid mouth

(301): View more from Maryland

Betty White is next, I just know it.

(240): View more from Maryland

Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.

Fav 21 1553 940
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

Fav 42 28637 1529
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.

Fav 8 1517 2584
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.

Fav 10 10107 1297
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.

Fav 11 1486 4038
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.

Fav 4 2310 3405
share tweet
(415): View more from California

You kept trying to hail an ambulance

Fav 2 3911 1283
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.

Fav 14 6993 1557
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?

Fav 124 6695 2748
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.

Fav 26 4869 1693
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?

Fav 28 5041 1323
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived

Fav 31 5636 931
share tweet
(951): View more from California

I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to

Fav 24 1441 5102
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night

(404): View more from Georgia

i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator

Fav 20 1169 5899
share tweet
(213): View more from California

I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.

Fav 1 2803 1542
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy

Fav 5 3030 1319
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.

Fav 8 3191 1971
share tweet
(408): View more from California

I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.

Fav 16 3638 1559
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.

Fav 5 5793 1303
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila

Fav 20 1253 6075
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.

Fav 23 7005 2477
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining

Fav 24 5794 1017
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.

Fav 20 5890 1509
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?

Fav 26 7740 1702
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

Fav 46 29492 2649
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.

Fav 41 4529 1713
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them

Fav 14 2803 6823
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.

Fav 15 5268 1474
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.

(216): View more from Ohio

whore

Fav 13 4359 1329
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.

Fav 26 2726 810
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch

(1-631): View more from New York

that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her

Fav 28 1496 6420
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.

Fav 16 3289 866
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.

Fav 36 8942 1220
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

You can't motorboat a personality

Fav 18 1694 2544
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.

Fav 33 9232 1481
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.

Fav 18 7848 1714
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...

Fav 6 5179 1244
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.

Fav 8 1441 2947
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.

Fav 13 3967 1272
share tweet
(949): View more from California

i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit

Fav 13 3578 1362
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You could give me a blowjob later? :)

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I meant do something romantic..

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Blowjob In the moonlight?

Fav 13 6614 1853
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.

Fav 16 1060 5116
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.

Fav 11 6110 1097
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.

Fav 7 3436 1175
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..

Fav 9 4486 1306
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.

(704): View more from North Carolina

How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?

(301): View more from Maryland

Salt in an open wound right now.

Fav 17 2021 5588
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.

Fav 12 4877 1345
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.

Fav 13 5872 1547
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers

Fav 18 2119 6497
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.

Fav 22 5940 1331
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis

Fav 21 3473 1005
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.

Fav 66 5977 3123
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.

Fav 30 5628 1383
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.

Fav 40 1594 8679
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.

Fav 36 9897 1488
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness

Fav 21 6037 1176
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide

(231): View more from Michigan

please tell me this is not legit

Fav 33 5971 1066
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.

Fav 23 6275 894
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered

Fav 9 895 4306
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room

Fav 15 1682 4529
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu

Fav 14 2708 4348
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes

Fav 19 914 3839
share tweet
(818): View more from California

i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.

Fav 12 4116 1119
share tweet
(310): View more from California

My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.

Fav 6 3106 1344
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.

Fav 11 6250 913
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.

Fav 30 5538 1013
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.

Fav 5 2292 793
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was

Fav 17 1423 4802
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic

Fav 3 4352 1305
share tweet
(562): View more from California

I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.

Fav 11 5844 1369
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.

Fav 9 6493 1606
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.

Fav 19 4478 1547
share tweet
(619): View more from California

I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.

Fav 24 4671 1003
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.

Fav 5 2432 955
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

hey. who tried to drive me home last night?

(904): View more from Florida

not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?

(850): View more from Florida

i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.

Fav 33 22362 2581
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.

Fav 33 6269 1608
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.

Fav 12 3385 872
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.

Fav 19 6748 1431
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie

Fav 39 7789 1892
share tweet
(619): View more from California

She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something

Fav 31 1242 7729
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love

Fav 41 2774 4706
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat

Fav 6 3182 942
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?

Fav 50 966 6221
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick

Fav 20 1731 2096
share tweet
(626): View more from California

What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?

(1-626): View more from California

You have mice?

(626): View more from California

no why?

Fav 15 4067 1222
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties

Fav 5 2475 958
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer

Fav 10 5822 1613
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.

Fav 2 2878 1254
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

Fav 71 25976 2501
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one

Fav 5 5359 1347
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

What's he like?

(954): View more from Florida

The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.

Fav 29 7894 1480
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

Fav 136 8445 56814
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.

Fav 36 8277 1134
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life

(541): View more from Oregon

Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard

Fav 27 3256 6857
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.

Fav 12 5456 1265
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob

Fav 28 2346 5394
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT

Fav 20 5659 1380
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.

Fav 6 5906 1142
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party

Fav 17 5316 2023
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.

Fav 23 6681 908
share tweet
(925): View more from California

I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible

Fav 16 4536 1402
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.

Fav 14 1551 4653
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.

(904): View more from Florida

FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift

Fav 18 8123 1530
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.

Fav 58 9598 1047
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.

Fav 85 1444 6770
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.

Fav 8 1133 1712
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99

(415): View more from California

Recession joke.

Fav 10 3572 1179
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!

Fav 51 1758 10920
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch

Fav 13 5289 1365
share tweet
(858): View more from California

Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.

Fav 44 2689 5606
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?

Fav 47 904 6367
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.

Fav 15 5756 952
share tweet
(+06): View more from

We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.

Fav 13 6761 1387
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there

Fav 12 5523 1517
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.

Fav 17 6133 1244
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.

Fav 12 9251 1996
share tweet
(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.

Fav 16 5266 921
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands

Fav 12 3173 1804
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.

(843): View more from South Carolina

drunk me is so punny.

Fav 19 9223 1455
share tweet
(707): View more from California

OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.

(1-707): View more from California

Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.

Fav 11 1962 3580
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.

Fav 22 932 4324
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.

Fav 20 6109 1188
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.

(1-515): View more from Iowa

Deal!

Fav 20 8133 871
share tweet
(909): View more from California

The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.

(1-909): View more from California

3?

(909): View more from California

Me, myself and I

Fav 3 1770 805
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly

Fav 19 1754 5887
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?

(703): View more from Virginia

I don't even know what potassium is.

Fav 47 10646 1490
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.

Fav 38 6600 1096
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.

Fav 23 5445 887
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes

Fav 5 1114 3930
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him

Fav 15 5209 1216
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me

Fav 12 1433 7370
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.

Fav 6 1316 3061
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?

Fav 5 4951 1234
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.

Fav 8 1367 4834
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.

Fav 13 2801 786
share tweet
(325): View more from Texas

she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.

Fav 5 874 3257
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.

Fav 11 1171 4013
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.

Fav 5 4189 1279
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.

Fav 29 5257 1020
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.

Fav 12 6403 1281
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.

Fav 14 5437 1616
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."

Fav 20 4811 1037
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.

Fav 10 3493 1357
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.

Fav 8 4343 1596
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning

Fav 9 3730 1357
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"

(973): View more from New Jersey

What's this douchebags name?

(908): View more from New Jersey

Rob...

Fav 67 8122 4288
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh

(1-703): View more from Virginia

be sure to add "office slut" to your resume

Fav 10 5090 1340
share tweet
(805): View more from California

Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.

Fav 10 4357 1454
share tweet
(949): View more from California

I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?

Fav 7 3670 1483
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."

Fav 11 1798 6285
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.

Fav 10 4045 1333
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of

Fav 3 1567 3275
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.

Fav 15 5295 1315
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.

Fav 13 4663 1771
share tweet
(310): View more from California

i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son

Fav 19 1143 4458
share tweet
(916): View more from California

So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?

Fav 114 25313 1359
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.

(1-360): View more from Washington

You win. Erica always eats cat food.

Fav 10 4131 1096
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me

Fav 25 1381 8696
share tweet
(949): View more from California

is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??

Fav 11 8424 1470
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.

Fav 14 4777 1224
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex

Fav 20 1540 4889
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.

Fav 13 1749 6797
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.

Fav 34 5940 1119
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.

Fav 15 5968 1258
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.

Fav 47 8916 1154
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.

Fav 77 28628 2259
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

so... how was it???

(317): View more from Indiana

he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy

Fav 14 859 3211
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"

Fav 29 8626 1506
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.

Fav 14 3707 966
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.

Fav 44 6964 2070
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table

Fav 25 2752 4558
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk

Fav 85 5848 1069
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.

Fav 22 1742 6574
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.

Fav 20 6065 1379
share tweet
(760): View more from California

i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped

Fav 54 3862 1301
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high

Fav 16 4983 2416
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis

Fav 18 7489 1508
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.

Fav 4 1182 3314
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"

Fav 6 1504 4124
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.

Fav 16 7188 1398
share tweet
(408): View more from California

just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".

Fav 8 2066 4745
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.

Fav 22 8307 921
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes

Fav 28 1528 5388
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets

Fav 17 5354 2021
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain

Fav 4 3432 1223
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.

Fav 12 1790 3710
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.

Fav 49 8103 1611
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING

(617): View more from Massachusetts

you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.

Fav 34 8876 1996
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost

Fav 4 4315 1280
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...

Fav 9 3587 2081
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.

Fav 24 2263 5384
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.

Fav 143 2754 51380
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways

Fav 14 1537 5270
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.

Fav 11 2601 5327
share tweet
(408): View more from California

im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.

Fav 12 7657 1342
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."

Fav 17 9787 1961
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

is drinking for groundhog day legit?

(1-484): View more from Pennsylvania

well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes

Fav 21 6490 923
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds

Fav 20 1406 3853
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny

Fav 11 930 4451
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends

(704): View more from North Carolina

Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.

Fav 46 3945 764
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"

Fav 12 7416 1185
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

super hot butfun

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.

Fav 11 3491 1023
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

And she used to have such long ones. Sad.

Fav 23 1492 5938
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.

Fav 19 7109 1533
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.

Fav 12 5679 1323
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?

(541): View more from Oregon

I don't know but we should still do that

Fav 20 5502 1043
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.

Fav 15 827 2618
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.

Fav 13 6412 1541
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT

Fav 40 9831 2003
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower

Fav 17 7497 1344
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello

Fav 17 1327 10039
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.

Fav 5 4036 1386
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on

Fav 4 3627 1269
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN

Fav 28 9120 1820
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.

Fav 10 1081 5127
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out

Fav 4 6899 1350
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.

Fav 10 3222 2216
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.

Fav 4 7139 1389
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.

Fav 17 4484 2290
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.

Fav 6 4703 1339
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it

Fav 4 4205 2017
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.

Fav 12 8566 1365
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know

Fav 5 4647 1524
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.

Fav 16 6850 1369
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.

Fav 15 987 7172
share tweet
(867): View more from Yukon/N.W.Territory

lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it

Fav 9 2050 4611
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK

Fav 3 1661 886
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

God wants them to get laid too.

Fav 59 8465 1869
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

it's like her boobs came off with her bra

Fav 55 2007 16025
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off

Fav 63 1699 10077
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?

(904): View more from Florida

Both

Fav 18 6629 1149
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie

Fav 74 1034 7399
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.

Fav 31 1306 7918
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."

Fav 14 2785 4167
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you

Fav 10 1936 3844
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

Fav 69 39789 2524
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.

Fav 38 1118 14192
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.

Fav 43 8388 2370
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it

Fav 15 1504 5053
share tweet
(760): View more from California

Why is your vibrator in the fridge?

(1-760): View more from California

I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.

Fav 41 7336 1793
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.

Fav 9 3913 1533
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

Fav 81 46059 2516
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.

Fav 79 9390 3614
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.

(1405): View more from

I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?

Fav 47 10716 1464
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.

(1-253): View more from Washington

I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.

Fav 71 6005 920
share tweet
(+33): View more from France

I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.

Fav 13 1074 2358
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...

Fav 7 1508 5073
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.

Fav 13 6527 1730
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious

Fav 47 3160 11795
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.

Fav 34 3971 819
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.

Fav 33 2713 1758
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"

Fav 12 4971 988
share tweet
(530): View more from California

Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'

Fav 3 3082 1279
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Why am I even shocked you're doing this....

Fav 11 6580 1473
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world

Fav 36 7691 1553
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.

Fav 45 6384 2277
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.

Fav 26 4924 1703
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.

Fav 28 1728 10651
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes

Fav 13 1361 4322
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.

Fav 16 2858 3688
share tweet
(+66): View more from Thailand

A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure

Fav 24 7182 2152
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...

Fav 21 8967 1505
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"

Fav 18 2154 6408
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"

Fav 19 2606 6278
share tweet
(805): View more from California

Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.

Fav 21 709 3108
share tweet
(619): View more from California

I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.

Fav 9 1169 3158
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore

Fav 21 1738 4822
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut

Fav 19 6087 1673
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."

Fav 2 5395 1184
share tweet
(956): View more from Texas

Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."

Fav 25 15049 1717
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.

Fav 14 1394 5838
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)

(708): View more from Illinois

WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE

Fav 9 6514 1513
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.

Fav 19 6215 1136
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"

Fav 20 7242 1849
share tweet
(682): View more from Texas

While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.

Fav 12 1422 4408
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.

Fav 17 1653 3551
share tweet
(228): View more from Mississippi

Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.

Fav 6 4136 1317
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back

Fav 12 1243 4919
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in

Fav 8 4344 2262
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.

Fav 27 5577 2320
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings

Fav 2 1847 2950
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks

Fav 3 4317 1287
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me

(1-425): View more from Washington

Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.

Fav 39 2760 5415
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.

Fav 30 5884 4006
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?

Fav 12 1836 5827
share tweet
(226): View more from Ontario

This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon

Fav 43 14864 2794
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.

Fav 14 2420 5022
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.

Fav 9 5859 1470
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.

Fav 26 5410 2332
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

Fav 51 26505 1662
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose

Fav 51 2027 6823
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home

Fav 25 7330 1246
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"

Fav 21 1352 6327
share tweet
(478): View more from Georgia

wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.

Fav 13 1279 2371
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"

Fav 29 1933 5551
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....

(843): View more from South Carolina

I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...

Fav 12 4271 1086
share tweet
(818): View more from California

They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...

Fav 15 2893 4652
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun

Fav 12 9030 1339
share tweet
(661): View more from California

Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.

Fav 22 5917 1843
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.

Fav 18 7529 2551
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.

Fav 9 3514 1298
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.

Fav 25 10038 1433
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"

Fav 14 6972 1204
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me

Fav 12 1294 6010
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.

Fav 37 2547 8179
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.

Fav 22 6684 1363
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her

Fav 11 6082 1254
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.

Fav 6 4464 1353
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Are you high?

Fav 21 7058 1563
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru

Fav 10 4946 1486
share tweet
(310): View more from California

While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

Fav 34 17974 2088
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.

Fav 10 1791 3850
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma

Fav 24 9767 1933
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.

Fav 16 4161 1515
share tweet
(909): View more from California

She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.

Fav 4 4298 1365
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.

Fav 19 5307 1436
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...

Fav 50 11814 3024
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.

Fav 4 2814 1252
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.

Fav 8 4753 1668
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.

Fav 8 7327 1564
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Found your pants in the mailbox

(646): View more from New York

What were my pants doing in the mailbox?

(516): View more from New York

I don't know but there's postage on them

Fav 36 6424 1562
share tweet
(361): View more from Texas

Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?

Fav 15 9275 1551
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me

Fav 8 4620 1304
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.

Fav 17 5985 1336
share tweet
(679): View more from Michigan

You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.

(679): View more from Michigan

You really are best friends.

Fav 20 6952 1586
share tweet
(818): View more from California

i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...

(805): View more from California

i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"

Fav 22 7096 2088
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours

Fav 15 13872 1581
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.

Fav 23 7731 1354
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"

Fav 22 1749 11938
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?

(1-904): View more from Florida

six.

(904): View more from Florida

Oh, I thought it was higher.

(1-904): View more from Florida

No, that would be the Matt's

Fav 33 7060 1978
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"

Fav 12 4690 1510
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.

Fav 48 2568 3599
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...

Fav 28 7183 2134
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.

Fav 20 6774 1610
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.

Fav 18 8104 1543
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"

Fav 52 5218 952
share tweet
(818): View more from California

people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.

Fav 7 3342 841
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore

Fav 17 2723 6670
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.

Fav 26 6210 1654
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.

Fav 58 9170 1275
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?

Fav 11 1803 3463
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome

Fav 11 1974 4405
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.

Fav 7 1671 3871
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...

Fav 32 2103 7478
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.

Fav 12 7150 1675
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...

(413): View more from Massachusetts

how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers

Fav 10 6014 1318
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.

Fav 9 3490 1230
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.

Fav 12 6038 1523
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.

Fav 22 4747 1389
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it

Fav 28 981 5888
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.

Fav 3 4637 1094
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.

(1-813): View more from Florida

only on the fourth of july.

Fav 20 8358 1576
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask

Fav 31 10375 1315
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.

Fav 21 2210 8728
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.

Fav 14 6094 1641
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.

Fav 15 1264 4373
share tweet
(805): View more from California

he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me

Fav 18 947 4310
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.

(1-801): View more from Utah

There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.

(801): View more from Utah

alright see you in the morning.

Fav 47 19507 1277
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls

(415): View more from California

Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?

Fav 7 1869 798
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up

Fav 26 4774 1047
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.

Fav 35 5558 1127
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!

(1-440): View more from Ohio

I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!

Fav 80 1452 4255
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes

Fav 13 2390 3286
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES

Fav 37 8449 1201
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.

Fav 44 2457 6446
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.

(1-781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.

Fav 19 6470 966
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

He has such a weird drunk-voice.

(1-417): View more from Missouri

dude, he's deaf.

Fav 23 1150 1847
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.

Fav 11 1338 818
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.

Fav 17 1393 6420
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy

Fav 12 5655 1475
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.

Fav 11 5143 1707
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.

Fav 4 1225 4430
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"

Fav 23 5168 2280
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.

Fav 10 4742 1490
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.

Fav 5 1864 6257
share tweet
(707): View more from California

You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.

Fav 6 4575 1516
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.

Fav 15 3393 6133
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".

Fav 23 8662 1326
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.

Fav 28 6461 5059
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza

Fav 13 5148 2517
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..

Fav 6 1772 4660
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.

Fav 10 11656 1467
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.

Fav 10 4804 1568
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....

Fav 5 5463 1222
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY

Fav 14 7169 1606
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.

Fav 8 4324 1300
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen

Fav 18 1681 9226
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..

Fav 14 5316 1728
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.

Fav 17 2453 4698
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...

Fav 15 6104 1797
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.

Fav 5 2817 1902
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.

Fav 16 12282 1356
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.

Fav 13 3508 1133
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.

Fav 13 1095 5428
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.

Fav 16 2278 4137
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"

Fav 12 2238 5497
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.

Fav 58 17155 4135
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable

Fav 8 1615 3649
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.

Fav 14 2157 6187
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.

Fav 14 1746 3534
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.

Fav 9 5199 1402
share tweet
(510): View more from California

Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.

Fav 34 2140 10328
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?

(1-386): View more from Florida

Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.

Fav 31 3067 5762
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.

Fav 32 8194 2862
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"

Fav 18 4679 1230
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night

Fav 13 1915 4748
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.

Fav 14 8208 1827
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Dude you has no fucking this poptart

(719): View more from Colorado

What?

(843): View more from South Carolina

I dont know to explain this.

Fav 35 7090 1829
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working

Fav 7 1335 3815
share tweet
(+31): View more from The Netherlands

Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing

Fav 7 4604 1324
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came

Fav 16 7489 1417
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.

Fav 7 3313 1376
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.

Fav 24 7916 2104
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man

(206): View more from Washington

?

(360): View more from Washington

he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!

Fav 27 4538 1136
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.

(214): View more from Texas

so how much did i say i owed you?

(972): View more from Texas

$5 and a new fuck buddy.

Fav 21 3622 1069
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle

Fav 9 4149 1446
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.

Fav 16 5661 2670
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.

Fav 9 2146 7373
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.

Fav 26 2252 16877
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.

Fav 24 8295 1928
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.

Fav 30 12865 2260
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"

Fav 7 5645 1937
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"

Fav 16 2469 7241
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

Fav 57 21184 1939
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.

Fav 44 1156 10818
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.

Fav 12 5019 1047
share tweet
(310): View more from California

just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.

(310): View more from California

now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!

(310): View more from California

whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?

Fav 9 879 4962
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"

Fav 16 8194 1393
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick

Fav 38 5649 2073
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

what was she crying about?

(734): View more from Michigan

i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.

Fav 47 15196 2261
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.

Fav 46 6836 1705
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast

Fav 12 980 2247
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.

Fav 71 12563 1340
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."

Fav 37 1677 5756
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Adam has been drinking

(1-810): View more from Michigan

Who has his phone

(810): View more from Michigan

Adam does

Fav 15 8144 1144
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.

Fav 25 1010 6655
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work

Fav 14 3905 1148
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...

(301): View more from Maryland

Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better

Fav 14 4226 1148
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

How do you jack off and text at the same time?

(1-281): View more from Texas

On my iPhone they have an app for that

Fav 84 32218 2439
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'

Fav 17 4073 1879
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter

Fav 24 7389 1147
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

No, drunk sperm still make babies.

Fav 15 1285 5864
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.

Fav 23 1918 3565
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.

(816): View more from Missouri

i think im in thre room next to you

Fav 28 2438 886
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.

Fav 16 6133 1354
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less

Fav 35 6662 815
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"

Fav 26 7920 1661
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...

Fav 17 6274 1534
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".

Fav 19 7385 1130
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you

Fav 10 4807 751
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?

Fav 31 10060 1478
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.

Fav 8 5418 2256
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.

Fav 10 6363 1506
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.

Fav 31 1686 5678
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

how was last night?

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.

Fav 32 6694 3465
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.

Fav 13 3053 771
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex

Fav 17 6193 1307
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

did u get his digits?

(201): View more from New Jersey

yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...

Fav 8 5377 1322
share tweet
(365): View more from

Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine

Fav 13 4990 1220
share tweet
(530): View more from California

We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.

Fav 17 4668 1362
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off

Fav 13 6983 1440
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.

Fav 8 3718 1017
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.

Fav 72 10572 1123
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized

Fav 53 5433 1347
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.

Fav 81 17405 3210
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.

Fav 10 1247 8835
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

Fav 99 27492 1855
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.

Fav 20 1915 6049
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"

Fav 21 963 4413
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.

Fav 23 5409 987
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.

Fav 32 1173 8321
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker

Fav 19 1183 9364
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.

Fav 20 7316 963
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.

(860): View more from Connecticut

what did you do?

(203): View more from Connecticut

i asked her out. that's so hot.

Fav 56 10055 1278
share tweet
(760): View more from California

O no, u 2 are dating again?

(503): View more from Oregon

No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture

Fav 7 1236 2539
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"

Fav 7 5070 1300
share tweet
(562): View more from California

Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.

Fav 34 12263 1842
share tweet
(949): View more from California

It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.

Fav 51 1914 5206
share tweet
(852): View more from

i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?

(256): View more from Alabama

Stay away from his face.

(852): View more from

so i go for his dick?

Fav 26 3017 1129
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?

(1-330): View more from Ohio

she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.

Fav 33 6189 2012
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"

(1-936): View more from Texas

I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...

Fav 19 10539 1294
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"

Fav 19 1731 3510
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional

Fav 11 4940 1645
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.

Fav 38 2052 8815
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night

Fav 16 1857 4381
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"

Fav 27 8803 2036
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.

Fav 3 1638 3338
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.

Fav 13 6325 1312
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often

Fav 25 4687 1397
share tweet
(418): View more from Quebec

You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"

Fav 11 7340 1516
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.

Fav 13 6248 1420
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party

Fav 10 6285 1716
share tweet
(949): View more from California

I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.

Fav 4 3444 1369
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.

Fav 9 4058 1733
share tweet
(+48): View more from Poland

there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover

Fav 13 1368 3478
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.

Fav 12 2651 4562
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

Fav 13 8396 1571
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.

(352): View more from Florida

And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.

Fav 8 5430 1469
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."

Fav 25 5825 2861
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.

Fav 6 7466 1293
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

Fav 55 27831 2973
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.

Fav 43 4485 4870
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.

Fav 23 7649 1474
share tweet
(805): View more from California

An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.

Fav 19 4890 1221
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.

Fav 31 4236 1830
share tweet
(805): View more from California

Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.

Fav 9 5972 906
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.

Fav 21 1025 4811
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?

Fav 12 6073 1446
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.

Fav 21 9507 1597
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.

Fav 35 1544 8519
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous

Fav 17 9299 1044
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters

Fav 30 5501 1516
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud

Fav 11 5255 1156
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.

Fav 47 12610 1673
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.

Fav 26 6529 4125
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?

Fav 11 4164 1917
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS

Fav 35 8667 1553
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things

Fav 30 2501 4150
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.

Fav 29 1479 5314
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Dude she let me cum on her face

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning

Fav 116 3799 10771
share tweet
(408): View more from California

um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.

Fav 48 6166 1201
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car

Fav 22 7497 1094
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

Fav 51 16034 4495
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.

Fav 40 14774 2007
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way

Fav 7 1413 848
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.

Fav 41 13366 1859
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"

Fav 55 6617 1439
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "

Fav 40 10294 1538
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.

Fav 42 12884 1695
share tweet
(831): View more from California

Hey, what are you up to?

(802): View more from Vermont

Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.

(802): View more from Vermont

Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.

Fav 16 2971 1198
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session

Fav 111 1550 7115
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know

Fav 15 7647 1561
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.

Fav 36 8703 1645
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't

Fav 13 3064 1430
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.

(419): View more from Ohio

you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.

Fav 27 4676 1269
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

Fav 39 16945 1858
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on

Fav 23 5522 1493
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.

Fav 24 5230 1350
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.

Fav 18 5752 2314
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

Fav 32 18760 1880
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

Fav 28 7248 1801
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

Fav 22 7677 1458
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"

Fav 12 5860 1605
share tweet
(786): View more from Florida

He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."

Fav 17 8040 1623
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

Fav 43 23541 2197
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.

Fav 15 7298 1499
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril

Fav 21 5523 1359
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.

Fav 31 2921 7591
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"

Fav 41 14364 1971
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.

Fav 9 1145 4494
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys

Fav 14 2932 4918
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club

Fav 10 3812 1623
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex

Fav 23 1584 6101
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up

Fav 23 4011 889
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.

Fav 17 1119 5123
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag

Fav 134 1815 5319
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.

Fav 13 6942 1912
share tweet
(+44): View more from England

Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.

Fav 35 4720 853
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

ra ra ra ah ah

(573): View more from Missouri

wtf?

(636): View more from Missouri

sexting lady gaga style

Fav 59 5533 1878
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit

(303): View more from Colorado

I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex

Fav 8 2872 1040
share tweet
(760): View more from California

I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"

(760): View more from California

When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."

Fav 19 7317 1100
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about

Fav 12 5832 1634
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.

Fav 10 6004 1995
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.

Fav 9 5426 1737
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first

Fav 24 6701 1625
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....

Fav 10 4116 1327
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.

Fav 34 6519 2697
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night

Fav 25 1151 7553
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.

Fav 12 6136 1038
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus

(1-409): View more from Texas

How are you texting me from 1998?

Fav 27 9141 1641
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.

Fav 11 1008 3228
share tweet
(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

Fav 51 31568 1783
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".

Fav 68 26527 1824
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

I have two black x marks on my hands.

(503): View more from Oregon

Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

(971): View more from Oregon

damnit I wish I could remember that.

Fav 58 27726 1894
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.

Fav 101 31710 5403
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

Fav 140 40097 2215
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

Fav 98 42077 2248
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

Fav 124 42104 3339
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

Fav 112 53247 2386
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

Fav 109 45414 2757
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

Fav 182 53566 2640
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

Fav 207 53711 3599
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

Fav 83 51208 2740
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

Fav 388 41772 4646
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

Fav 190 59120 5678
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

Fav 131 63489 2874
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

Fav 298 76380 3429
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

Fav 202 82800 5241
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

Fav 206 89718 8273
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

Fav 510 88709 9685
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

Fav 179 88548 4083
share tweet
(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

Fav 167 92796 4896
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

Fav 445 115826 11200
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

Fav 842 146101 10750
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Umm you met him three days ago....

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I said what I said

Fav 30 7942 2014
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Absence makes the cock grow harder.

Fav 17 7158 1641
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?

Fav 23 1761 7355
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night

(1-940): View more from Texas

I don't have a cat..?

(940): View more from Texas

Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.

Fav 13 1885 5600
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.

Fav 30 1714 6362
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.

Fav 13 6146 1503
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke

Fav 7 1273 4596
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.

Fav 17 8103 1445
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.

Fav 27 12123 1681
share tweet
(408): View more from California

if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place

Fav 33 6383 1721
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.

(818): View more from California

And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.

Fav 14 5820 1565
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."

Fav 34 5735 1708
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

Yeah, but four times?

Fav 30 7824 2372
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?

Fav 37 6828 2217
share tweet
(925): View more from California

You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.

Fav 17 6625 1293
share tweet
(+33): View more from France

On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."

Fav 26 8278 1875
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina

Fav 22 1794 4311
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Well how do you think I feel

(860): View more from Connecticut

fair enough

Fav 39 10008 1245
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?

Fav 21 1436 7571
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.

Fav 10 9630 1340
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...

Fav 21 1426 6093
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.

Fav 16 3454 1785
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

Wasn't he an English major?

Fav 12 1476 5341
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.

Fav 25 5065 1930
share tweet
(408): View more from California

you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face

Fav 46 11245 3207
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.

Fav 20 3126 1035
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza

Fav 53 27174 2474
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.

Fav 142 2867 2587
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!

Fav 11 1731 876
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night

Fav 13 10373 1146
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.

Fav 25 12342 1122
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.

Fav 13 4952 1282
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas

Fav 58 1396 6434
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.

Fav 28 1693 5215
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

Fav 49 18833 1914
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree

Fav 46 6259 2130
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"

Fav 35 1696 8127
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.

Fav 43 1441 3140
share tweet
(510): View more from California

I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...

Fav 80 3212 8626
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.

Fav 47 948 8322
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"

Fav 86 13887 2170
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.

(503): View more from Oregon

By 8 I mean 9.

(503): View more from Oregon

And by 9 I mean 10.

Fav 62 3684 5437
share tweet
(661): View more from California

His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger

Fav 32 11892 1461
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.

Fav 30 6437 1261
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix

Fav 35 7850 1579
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.

Fav 8 1219 2495
share tweet
(408): View more from California

hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?

(925): View more from California

Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual

Fav 6 4573 756
share tweet
(209): View more from California

His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.

Fav 19 6771 1038
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public

Fav 15 1067 3942
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".

Fav 39 11793 2285
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.

Fav 12 6877 1410
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono

(973): View more from New Jersey

How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?

Fav 41 1891 5218
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.

Fav 10 4940 965
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa

Fav 79 14641 1375
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.

Fav 34 1996 4929
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...

Fav 22 3294 1088
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"

Fav 51 2596 7282
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.

Fav 91 6308 1477
share tweet
(949): View more from California

After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(

Fav 43 947 5688
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?

Fav 57 27181 2144
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.

(339): View more from Massachusetts

No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.

Fav 34 10167 1766
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"

Fav 17 6731 1440
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"

Fav 29 1420 9849
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"

Fav 51 18396 1738
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.

Fav 33 970 3153
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?

(206): View more from Washington

Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.

Fav 56 1375 3375
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?

Fav 22 1934 5181
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple

Fav 19 10426 1409
share tweet
(905): View more from Toronto

when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college

Fav 43 1631 6623
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.

Fav 22 1915 932
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.

Fav 28 1630 5417
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.

Fav 38 1036 6870
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS

Fav 34 11292 1741
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places

Fav 13 7257 2036
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side

Fav 54 10421 1987
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.

Fav 25 8248 1708
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited

(1-214): View more from Texas

I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope

Fav 93 1831 7831
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

wtf

Fav 18 1672 5666
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...

(425): View more from Washington

Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.

Fav 7 6153 1422
share tweet
(03): View more from

you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!

Fav 18 7370 1401
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.

Fav 5 3186 2304
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.

Fav 32 2033 7407
share tweet
(818): View more from California

he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror

Fav 14 6599 2076
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard

Fav 12 1539 4586
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry

Fav 21 2232 5021
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.

Fav 18 5059 1424
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...

(714): View more from California

Didn't you just get a DUI last week?

(818): View more from California

Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it

Fav 3 3096 1066
share tweet
(650): View more from California

my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah

(415): View more from California

and she bought it?!?

(650): View more from California

yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes

Fav 28 8639 1084
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

You'll be proud of me

(1-503): View more from Oregon

Who did you not have sex with

(503): View more from Oregon

Damn it...you know me too well

Fav 13 5361 1033
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"

(708): View more from Illinois

I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.

(773): View more from Illinois

don't worry... so do I

Fav 24 965 4324
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"

Fav 19 3719 1187
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.

Fav 19 5152 1652
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.

Fav 23 6850 2177
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there

Fav 36 1417 7571
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.

Fav 21 6411 2295
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass

Fav 39 5441 3196
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love

Fav 35 13005 1658
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.

Fav 11 1321 4726
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.

Fav 51 9072 1590
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."

Fav 11 1809 4665
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...

Fav 40 5775 1820
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump

Fav 23 884 4712
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.

Fav 16 6771 1326
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.

Fav 27 1600 7595
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.

Fav 31 6127 2220
share tweet
(818): View more from California

His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.

Fav 42 4185 9591
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.

Fav 12 6451 1610
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.

Fav 17 6449 1460
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.

Fav 25 13432 1598
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm pregnant just thinking about him.

Fav 34 3666 4724
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.

Fav 2 1381 1397
share tweet
(530): View more from California

I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.

Fav 13 5534 1479
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome

Fav 30 3132 6809
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.

Fav 19 1497 3429
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

so you made the shocked face and they caught you.

(571): View more from Virginia

yup.

Fav 19 1748 5664
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk

(1-914): View more from New York

It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you

Fav 55 9045 1188
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

you are hot. that is all.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

who is this?

(480): View more from Arizona

the delivery driver from silvermine.

Fav 32 5885 1762
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.

Fav 13 2263 4648
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?

Fav 19 4921 2612
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?

Fav 66 11495 2330
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble

Fav 10 1994 1068
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?

Fav 38 7937 2219
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.

Fav 21 1106 4138
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him

Fav 36 7700 2443
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.

Fav 20 2351 5419
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.

Fav 22 6507 1692
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest

(248): View more from Michigan

If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does

Fav 10 7859 1511
share tweet
(858): View more from California

i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..

(720): View more from Colorado

yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures

Fav 7 3281 863
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.

Fav 17 1442 5076
share tweet
(772): View more from Florida

I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.

Fav 26 1144 4102
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"

Fav 19 6928 1622
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets

Fav 23 1880 8582
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.

(1-514): View more from Quebec

and?

(514): View more from Quebec

luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...

Fav 48 4337 1081
share tweet
(323): View more from California

You got in a fight last night?

(818): View more from California

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): View more from California

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

Fav 132 9136 24696
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.

Fav 33 10889 1748
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did

Fav 21 5603 2448
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.

Fav 8 5077 1246
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring

Fav 24 7441 1896
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.

Fav 25 11942 1622
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."

(319): View more from Iowa

Decisions, decisions.

Fav 46 9216 1501
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...

Fav 7 1357 2847
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?

(770): View more from Georgia

I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle

Fav 32 3953 1036
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.

Fav 23 1192 5639
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.

Fav 12 8223 1408
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM

(616): View more from Michigan

Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?

(401): View more from Rhode Island

wait... oh

Fav 9 3717 1200
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

Fav 13 9193 1747
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M

Fav 26 8181 1547
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?

Fav 48 1790 6337
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie

Fav 14 2228 4226
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it

Fav 37 11808 1173
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way

Fav 22 9609 1590
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes

Fav 9 2072 4394
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high

Fav 21 8663 1195
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive

Fav 31 6226 1727
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.

Fav 44 1859 4146
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?

(703): View more from Virginia

I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.

Fav 37 3268 1333
share tweet
(830): View more from Texas

I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter

Fav 34 6799 2209
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

Fav 214 53080 3393
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.

Fav 13 7448 1368
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.

Fav 12 1257 5576
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.

Fav 19 6273 1628
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.

Fav 9 6694 1378
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.

Fav 59 3883 1308
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.

Fav 14 1805 6052
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.

Fav 36 20509 2055
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.

Fav 17 13202 2112
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....

Fav 29 6827 1738
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys

Fav 17 6243 2746
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween

Fav 26 6119 774
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.

Fav 42 8758 2291
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits

Fav 54 5189 913
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.

Fav 31 9031 2210
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.

Fav 18 10884 2507
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"

Fav 17 5387 2295
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.

Fav 35 5978 2656
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa

Fav 33 7995 1378
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.

Fav 35 1322 6996
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk

Fav 63 9829 1011
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.

(376): View more from

you are insane

Fav 12 4026 1316
share tweet
(559): View more from California

he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.

Fav 20 1513 2196
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.

Fav 7 5451 1372
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.

Fav 21 7511 1781
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years

Fav 27 9054 2080
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

Fav 58 15471 2160
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

get to allyx's house asap

(312): View more from Illinois

Ok is everything ok

(224): View more from Illinois

Yeah, theres just lesbians

(312): View more from Illinois

omg yes on my way

Fav 38 7410 1708
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.

Fav 29 5152 1894
share tweet
(562): View more from California

cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi

Fav 28 4891 2180
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.

Fav 33 11428 1593
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.

Fav 29 7270 1952
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I'm so horny

(913): View more from Kansas

I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect

Fav 12 6162 1587
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.

Fav 14 9394 1292
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

At least he's a nutritious stoner...

Fav 18 8733 1588
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.

Fav 17 4838 1399
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way

Fav 12 7676 1350
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.

Fav 26 5800 1433
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"

Fav 16 5327 1367
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."

Fav 48 1724 10221
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

and what did he say?

(614): View more from Ohio

there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.

Fav 51 13677 1687
share tweet
(478): View more from Georgia

So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking

(404): View more from Georgia

how did that work out?

(478): View more from Georgia

Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...

Fav 15 5694 2062
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.

Fav 33 5853 2720
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...

Fav 12 1489 6996
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.

Fav 28 1522 6461
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.

Fav 15 5410 1572
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.

Fav 14 4932 1964
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.

Fav 43 2849 5351
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

(1-806): View more from Texas

Best pick-up line ever!

Fav 35 10254 1635
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat

Fav 11 4632 1788
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's

Fav 35 1538 5134
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.

Fav 19 7705 1579
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier

Fav 33 927 8616
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.

Fav 10 6582 1756
share tweet
(325): View more from Texas

wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"

Fav 100 8306 61692
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.

Fav 20 5719 1566
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem

Fav 19 5148 1062
share tweet
(807): View more from Ontario

I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth

Fav 18 7579 1603
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.

Fav 17 7416 2162
share tweet
(530): View more from California

I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me

Fav 23 7018 1482
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.

Fav 17 1327 5682
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.

Fav 22 8164 2493
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

Why was I handcuffed to the roof?

(518): View more from New York

It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly

Fav 27 9877 1672
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker

Fav 25 6799 1259
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.

Fav 42 6661 2122
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.

Fav 32 4357 1836
share tweet
(818): View more from California

remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,

(702): View more from Nevada

Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.

Fav 116 6955 12714
share tweet
(905): View more from Toronto

I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..

Fav 42 1095 6273
share tweet
(862): View more from New Jersey

Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside

Fav 23 1567 5804
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.

Fav 32 6243 3971
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.

Fav 21 1381 8352
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.

Fav 37 6357 2027
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his

Fav 26 1567 7273
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.

Fav 54 1894 4973
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

Fav 58 12694 1531
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

i think i left my bra at your place

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.

Fav 22 11226 1445
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.

Fav 26 910 3973
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space

Fav 27 4962 888
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off

Fav 30 2256 4770
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

Fav 60 37317 1624
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life

Fav 12 6339 1101
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game

Fav 23 6072 1328
share tweet
(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?

Fav 23 7540 1341
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.

Fav 13 5277 1228
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on

(1-915): View more from Texas

who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me

Fav 49 1286 15503
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer

Fav 40 4505 965
share tweet
(530): View more from California

I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite

Fav 45 19954 1707
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.

Fav 18 5993 1054
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

Fav 34 13462 1379
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.

Fav 16 1935 816
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though

Fav 10 1879 4673
share tweet
(310): View more from California

So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.

Fav 51 15719 2861
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Haha, bad night?

Fav 144 1739 17282
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

ru fi oooo

Fav 71 5506 990
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.

Fav 24 3365 1046
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.

(309): View more from Illinois

so finals studying is going well?

Fav 13 7825 1520
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him

Fav 83 1292 4354
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Did I miss anything?

(1-914): View more from New York

A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.

(914): View more from New York

so we also did drugs

Fav 9 2990 794
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.

Fav 99 4164 9542
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation

Fav 14 2026 5187
share tweet
(650): View more from California

after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you

Fav 38 10284 1062
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.

Fav 5 1052 3975
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.

Fav 60 8719 2067
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up

Fav 26 1379 3226
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.

Fav 35 1789 3182
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

Fav 33 13419 2006
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan

Fav 44 6749 1368
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name

Fav 26 1107 8929
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike

(1-917): View more from New York City

this is mike. we're done.

Fav 21 1140 3296
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.

Fav 11 1340 4558
share tweet
(530): View more from California

He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.

Fav 39 1418 16176
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?

(1-703): View more from Virginia

yes

(703): View more from Virginia

... don't judge me

Fav 20 4293 1257
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

just do him I won't tell jon

(1-269): View more from Michigan

um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore

Fav 7 1246 2935
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

Fav 104 9039 1647
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod

Fav 6 6036 1382
share tweet
(415): View more from California

And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"

(1-415): View more from California

What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.

(415): View more from California

He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."

Fav 27 1383 10106
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.

Fav 25 7990 1661
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.

Fav 20 1542 8907
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.

Fav 9 4826 997
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.

Fav 67 8631 2805
share tweet
(510): View more from California

The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.

Fav 13 1687 2888
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x

Fav 10 8368 1629
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.

Fav 36 1944 8857
share tweet
(408): View more from California

you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"

Fav 14 7863 1441
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls

Fav 33 1858 3041
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.

Fav 54 10308 1163
share tweet
(858): View more from California

i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him

Fav 5 3463 772
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot

(770): View more from Georgia

Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.

Fav 15 5399 877
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.

Fav 10 7085 1439
share tweet
(580): View more from Oklahoma

the snow is so cold on my vagina.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

why do you have snow on your vagina?

(580): View more from Oklahoma

vodka and heels.

Fav 45 6647 1782
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud

Fav 44 1950 19313
share tweet
(310): View more from California

its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off

Fav 2 862 1158
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on

Fav 10 1330 4125
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...

Fav 46 4422 916
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.

(281): View more from Texas

No. Just liquor. Time's no good.

Fav 14 3231 1226
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?

(773): View more from Illinois

Responsible fail?

Fav 19 1742 5713
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.

Fav 17 7996 1564
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.

Fav 17 8909 1259
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

Fav 54 75095 3011
share tweet
(951): View more from California

My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?

Fav 77 7437 1594
share tweet
(+44): View more from England

You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.

Fav 34 6322 1755
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.

Fav 31 11049 2134
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.

Fav 51 18370 1532
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman

Fav 5 1939 1421
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.

Fav 13 7062 1489
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.

Fav 74 4312 18528
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.

Fav 11 5186 1490
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.

Fav 63 8447 1437
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"

Fav 41 1083 5208
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.

Fav 45 5546 828
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.

Fav 23 5564 1169
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?

Fav 51 6367 1081
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'

Fav 14 5282 1277
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious

Fav 31 6469 1243
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.

(817): View more from Texas

Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.

(972): View more from Texas

ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.

Fav 66 6052 1617
share tweet
(818): View more from California

my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you

Fav 30 6316 1307
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

Fav 87 26959 5268
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth

Fav 19 1228 4895
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

bitch

Fav 62 3553 5273
share tweet
(862): View more from New Jersey

he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"

Fav 15 5558 1806
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time

Fav 13 8046 1484
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.

Fav 13 9188 1674
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.

Fav 50 1361 10151
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.

Fav 28 11395 1160
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.

Fav 22 6738 1063
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures

Fav 28 3878 1139
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.

Fav 49 4619 2022
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.

Fav 39 1201 1445
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'

Fav 55 1796 17433
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.

Fav 20 2122 5693
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"

Fav 9 7836 1461
share tweet
(310): View more from California

it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined

Fav 15 8887 1159
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

You should've just screamed yes we can!

Fav 52 9480 2015
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?

(475): View more from Connecticut

Yeah?

(212): View more from New York

Stuck it in his pooper.

Fav 209 11133 5014
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

wrong number but thanks

Fav 18 8417 1151
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.

Fav 4 3221 811
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"

(501): View more from Arkansas

Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...

Fav 15 6465 1225
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready

Fav 17 10524 1073
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"

Fav 34 7829 1450
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeeah thank god

(816): View more from Missouri

Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.

Fav 55 2544 16037
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

How was the bike ride?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.

Fav 21 9073 1567
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was

Fav 13 7697 1430
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"

Fav 12 6721 1357
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.

Fav 13 4270 1865
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.

Fav 12 1468 5016
share tweet
(626): View more from California

you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay

Fav 10 1195 5018
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

I am coming home for anal

(254): View more from Texas

* a nap*

Fav 39 12486 2052
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.

Fav 15 4149 794
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Lets date for the summer

(815): View more from Illinois

what?

(480): View more from Arizona

Dont love me in September.

Fav 8 2543 1081
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.

Fav 32 6416 873
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead

Fav 25 4941 1944
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

Fav 290 63940 5489
share tweet
(323): View more from California

I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.

Fav 16 5842 1048
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.

(785): View more from Kansas

again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.

Fav 36 1943 7365
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.

Fav 32 974 3334
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.

Fav 16 14184 977
share tweet
(650): View more from California

apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again

Fav 23 1650 4016
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Whore.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I was being facetious

(540): View more from Virginia

Don't try to hide behind big words.

Fav 2 2480 956
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.

Fav 33 13150 1153
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.

Fav 14 6015 890
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?

Fav 20 7031 924
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.

Fav 30 12543 1219
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.

Fav 15 2175 4317
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning

(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk

Fav 17 2974 1327
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk

Fav 10 5113 864
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.

Fav 21 6671 1270
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...

Fav 47 8651 1377
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.

Fav 26 2756 868
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.

Fav 25 6926 1274
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?

Fav 25 10618 1059
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck

Fav 28 6200 1321
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

Fav 210 33067 3529
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?

Fav 32 4999 1356
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf

Fav 22 7777 2113
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth

Fav 16 1818 3774
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.

Fav 27 9416 1284
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?

Fav 61 15122 1525
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'

Fav 25 3080 6025
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.

Fav 10 1621 5214
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.

Fav 16 5922 1540
share tweet
(661): View more from California

He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.

Fav 23 8005 1463
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.

Fav 22 6730 1543
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.

Fav 16 3454 1046
share tweet
(916): View more from California

He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.

Fav 15 5519 1636
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"

Fav 30 2282 5050
share tweet
(905): View more from Toronto

Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language

Fav 17 4845 882
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.

Fav 272 9017 1818
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.

Fav 47 10192 2535
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.

Fav 37 16061 1750
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

Fav 82 31330 2834
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.

Fav 7 3966 1012
share tweet
(323): View more from California

Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."

Fav 61 4946 1243
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone

Fav 25 6753 1078
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.

Fav 8 5958 1565
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake

Fav 50 6229 1369
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...

Fav 5 1137 1500
share tweet
(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

Fav 107 32823 1974
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed

Fav 89 9575 2017
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'

Fav 18 10608 1442
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

Fav 34 26486 2347
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

Or a large amount of condoms?!?

Fav 12 6741 1452
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.

Fav 21 6230 1612
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.

Fav 58 5764 1287
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

Fav 25 16039 1837
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever

(615): View more from Tennessee

She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister

Fav 89 8203 1840
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"

Fav 34 1739 5095
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.

Fav 45 1819 5370
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home

Fav 29 9311 1550
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them

Fav 41 15399 1598
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy

Fav 32 2458 3721
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare

Fav 21 4598 948
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

Fav 87 53643 3890
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

Goodnight sugar queer

(480): View more from Arizona

Sugar queer??

(602): View more from Arizona

Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?

Fav 17 1970 2429
share tweet
(949): View more from California

she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."

(949): View more from California

little did she know i was taping her the whole time.

Fav 53 9990 2917
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

im getting a BJ in a closet

(205): View more from Alabama

and a penguin just handed me a bong

Fav 60 12819 1271
share tweet
(858): View more from California

You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.

Fav 19 13055 1324
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!

Fav 16 11154 1332
share tweet
(951): View more from California

I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal

Fav 23 10784 1454
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.

(1-214): View more from Texas

ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...

Fav 19 2204 5240
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

when did we get a doorman?

(203): View more from Connecticut

we were also in the wrong building...

Fav 15 7332 1434
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

Fav 71 20509 2510
share tweet
(925): View more from California

My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive

(510): View more from California

wats the point then?

Fav 30 944 4927
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...

(1-850): View more from Florida

that makes sense.

Fav 16 7687 1126
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.

Fav 8 5611 1225
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.

Fav 21 5073 1452
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?

(503): View more from Oregon

3some

(541): View more from Oregon

You're right, stupid question.

Fav 21 10794 1615
share tweet
(805): View more from California

My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.

Fav 10 1056 1207
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.

(402): View more from Nebraska

but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.

Fav 9 4040 969
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead

Fav 17 6423 1396
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.

Fav 15 8244 1404
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

Fav 362 61940 8170
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.

Fav 8 891 2164
share tweet
(+34): View more from Spain

Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.

Fav 16 4578 1016
share tweet
(619): View more from California

well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen

Fav 42 1294 5574
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

Fav 34 21338 2216
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine

(303): View more from Colorado

Oh and I threw up on myself...

Fav 41 2025 7609
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

Fav 109 41379 2663
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.

Fav 13 1327 6223
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.

Fav 79 2497 11511
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.

Fav 27 1403 2108
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"

Fav 21 12024 1297
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing

Fav 7 1870 883
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Shut up. I did not.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

I really wish I was making that up.

Fav 35 7106 1146
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.

Fav 16 1262 4232
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

Fav 40 13034 1831
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room

Fav 12 4669 1370
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex

(703): View more from Virginia

I'm on my period, period, period

Fav 72 2288 16366
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away

(440): View more from Ohio

isn't bella the cat???

(216): View more from Ohio

that she is

Fav 9 3315 1419
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out

Fav 16 2205 6181
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know

Fav 33 3471 1152
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?

Fav 16 5285 1115
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.

Fav 33 19004 1314
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.

Fav 52 16713 1510
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?

(1-775): View more from Nevada

A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!

Fav 16 2040 2886
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

What's wrong?

(1-503): View more from Oregon

Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.

(503): View more from Oregon

Pussy.

Fav 18 1204 2551
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth

Fav 56 7144 1751
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.

Fav 81 1052 10049
share tweet
(510): View more from California

You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying

Fav 25 2433 6427
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.

(540): View more from Virginia

I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.

Fav 20 4119 909
share tweet
(530): View more from California

Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake

Fav 27 1762 906
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.

Fav 33 11588 1184
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?

Fav 56 8012 1200
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org

Fav 31 1199 3554
share tweet
(925): View more from California

I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.

(713): View more from Texas

Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...

Fav 36 4170 1113
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.

(786): View more from Florida

How high are you right now..

(305): View more from Florida

I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

Fav 29 10883 1595
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

Fav 249 68664 3917
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

Fav 92 33672 2309
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed

Fav 43 2389 14611
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"

Fav 13 4883 993
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

Fav 41 32283 1496
share tweet
(308): View more from Nebraska

I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.

Fav 38 1559 9485
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.

Fav 11 1796 3872
share tweet
(805): View more from California

i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.

Fav 3 2489 847
share tweet
(707): View more from California

he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"

Fav 22 6081 2578
share tweet
(858): View more from California

Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch

Fav 28 9227 1761
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.

Fav 16 6134 1462
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!

Fav 9 6601 1429
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.

Fav 33 12888 1845
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3

Fav 32 5731 2068
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy

Fav 41 4853 1591
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away

Fav 30 2107 8195
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.

Fav 40 1951 7710
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??

(713): View more from Texas

Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

Fav 44 5434 9844
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros

Fav 8 5345 1165
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.

Fav 32 1491 15730
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.

Fav 19 6245 1283
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me

Fav 19 9005 1686
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.

Fav 27 6805 1688
share tweet
(818): View more from California

my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.

Fav 51 3349 13004
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie

(420): View more from

your the best winggirl ever

Fav 34 13759 1469
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."

Fav 18 5521 1319
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b

Fav 47 2667 6715
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.

Fav 42 10454 1818
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig

Fav 29 4966 1470
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.

Fav 14 4917 1528
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.

Fav 42 12100 1498
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?

(636): View more from Missouri

our generation is not ready to get married

Fav 49 7276 2893
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.

Fav 24 1297 8106
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea

Fav 18 6148 1616
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.

Fav 19 4940 1672
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.

Fav 38 9215 2249
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.

Fav 25 7177 1399
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"

Fav 37 1328 9074
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys

Fav 21 1238 5005
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies

Fav 64 20234 1835
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse

Fav 160 11833 1550
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.

(919): View more from North Carolina

That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.

Fav 7 1474 5580
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.

Fav 29 15365 1482
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.

Fav 12 1395 3815
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face

Fav 60 2076 7902
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.

Fav 10 4773 1036
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I wish they made sweatshirts for legs

(1-602): View more from Arizona

you mean pants?

Fav 38 9129 1253
share tweet
(530): View more from California

How is Miami?

(954): View more from Florida

Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln

Fav 11 1734 793
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

Fav 61 28046 1880
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"

Fav 30 5072 951
share tweet
(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

Fav 304 104250 6829
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.

Fav 67 3661 933
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing

Fav 17 11361 1566
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.

Fav 88 10192 2116
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.

Fav 19 1482 3651
share tweet
(310): View more from California

It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...

Fav 69 1740 4840
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach

Fav 20 2078 1148
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

Clearly I made an impression.

(404): View more from Georgia

Or at least your vagina did.

Fav 9 5135 1259
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours

Fav 11 4992 1123
share tweet
(209): View more from California

Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night

Fav 47 1031 3509
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.

Fav 32 15624 1191
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.

Fav 12 5196 1278
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

Fav 48 26746 2047
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.

Fav 40 11635 3452
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke

Fav 16 6694 1088
share tweet
(310): View more from California

He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.

Fav 25 9609 1121
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.

(775): View more from Nevada

Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????

(702): View more from Nevada

God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.

Fav 14 989 2691
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things

Fav 39 16043 1250
share tweet
(308): View more from Nebraska

i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.

Fav 18 4577 949
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?

Fav 55 5223 2100
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone

Fav 11 2932 909
share tweet
(234): View more from Ohio

omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic

Fav 12 6684 1225
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night

Fav 14 6774 1488
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.

Fav 19 882 3133
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.

Fav 6 5746 1040
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis

Fav 8 1191 4234
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.

Fav 10 5390 1252
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..

Fav 18 7135 1181
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.

Fav 17 5129 976
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while

(202): View more from Washington, DC

woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face

Fav 11 1138 3603
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...

Fav 16 1640 6439
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado

Fav 72 8113 1136
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women

Fav 11 5371 3369
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???

Fav 32 5636 1118
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.

Fav 11 7307 1156
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.

Fav 45 11737 2892
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.

Fav 22 5584 1456
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.

Fav 9 7911 1353
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me

Fav 14 4637 1763
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.

Fav 13 4811 1636
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"

Fav 12 7940 2319
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

Fav 61 19542 2389
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?

Fav 42 10800 1674
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina

Fav 30 1270 8139
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.

Fav 26 5754 1933
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.

Fav 23 1496 8225
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.

Fav 17 17652 1576
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."

Fav 27 1518 4534
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student

Fav 38 19325 1256
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other

(413): View more from Massachusetts

and it's going to stay that way

Fav 11 1130 3218
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

Fav 45 23935 1774
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab

Fav 20 4606 1725
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...

Fav 14 3888 888
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!

(734): View more from Michigan

I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.

Fav 10 2419 908
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.

Fav 48 1030 6443
share tweet
(818): View more from California

So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice

Fav 94 9412 1188
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb

(209): View more from California

it's ELEVEN

(310): View more from California

thirty

Fav 32 4972 924
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us

Fav 32 1260 7931
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.

Fav 117 4856 1909
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics

Fav 28 973 3980
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys

(1-804): View more from Virginia

wow, that really makes you stop and think.

Fav 11 1723 1020
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever

Fav 8 4395 1165
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.

Fav 55 3007 15631
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.

Fav 27 6047 1108
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.

Fav 35 5815 1865
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.

Fav 27 1725 9491
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

I'm glad girls dont get visible erections

(617): View more from Massachusetts

But, it would have made life so much easier...

Fav 27 3778 916
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol

(1-813): View more from Florida

well its been awhile since I've surfed

Fav 4 2324 829
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!

Fav 26 5573 1207
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.

Fav 54 9153 1785
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

Fav 80 32308 1628
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"

Fav 61 6683 1356
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.

Fav 17 6775 1181
share tweet
(818): View more from California

you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures

Fav 14 4020 846
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.

Fav 81 3154 6577
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..

Fav 37 7703 2473
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.

Fav 65 1161 17219
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before

Fav 84 1376 4080
share tweet
(530): View more from California

my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...

Fav 52 2716 10605
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago

Fav 16 3869 1671
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

Fav 40 17274 2677
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed

Fav 3 1018 1427
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.

Fav 28 9091 1126
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

Fav 65 29371 2498
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him

Fav 19 1452 4476
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.

Fav 33 5987 1724
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married

(214): View more from Texas

What? They have three kids?

(512): View more from Texas

Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me

Fav 20 1162 6394
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.

Fav 21 6649 1630
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.

Fav 33 12019 3445
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.

Fav 29 9414 2388
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?

Fav 34 2590 3365
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.

Fav 32 1109 4296
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Betty ford says i'm here all night

Fav 2 1094 745
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face

Fav 3 1397 3733
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early

Fav 62 7455 1358
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

he breathalyzed me before we had sex.

Fav 42 2862 5927
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I wanted to see November 5, 1985

Fav 19 4490 946
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping

Fav 12 4392 1181
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

He had some BAD nuttage

(334): View more from Alabama

Nuttage?

(334): View more from Alabama

It's like cleavage......... but different

Fav 12 843 2856
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.

Fav 14 1032 2594
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.

(708): View more from Illinois

We need to hang out more often

Fav 13 3064 876
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.

(404): View more from Georgia

I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?

(706): View more from Georgia

Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.

Fav 29 1239 2370
share tweet
(339): View more from Massachusetts

i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet

Fav 29 10366 2006
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'

Fav 13 1349 4989
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.

Fav 15 980 3205
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.

Fav 4 1178 3133
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!

(1-520): View more from Arizona

what?

(520): View more from Arizona

YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!

Fav 38 1082 4411
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors

Fav 25 3091 1127
share tweet
(209): View more from California

Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."

Fav 14 2242 5297
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success

Fav 52 9096 1299
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.

Fav 23 7050 1222
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Do you remember last night at all? Be honest

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.

Fav 11 3464 851
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.

Fav 12 1368 2550
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.

Fav 25 24631 1592
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.

Fav 9 4693 902
share tweet
(478): View more from Georgia

you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.

Fav 12 7087 965
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.

Fav 6 1267 4064
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?

(1-216): View more from Ohio

i'd get off the bar first.

Fav 18 1004 3118
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

Fav 154 67664 4392
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Why did I cab home last night?

(1-310): View more from California

Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.

Fav 1 1246 958
share tweet
(949): View more from California

My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.

Fav 3 4710 1045
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?

Fav 56 2420 10067
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.

Fav 72 6918 2320
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.

Fav 19 4954 1474
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last

Fav 34 1767 5755
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box

Fav 5 4508 984
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.

Fav 18 4701 948
share tweet
(+44): View more from England

Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,

Fav 48 1094 2670
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"

Fav 13 5425 1261
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.

Fav 25 6165 3204
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina

Fav 16 1070 8594
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

fireball beer pong. youre missing out

(732): View more from New Jersey

how is that even possible?

(908): View more from New Jersey

ove gloves.

(732): View more from New Jersey

be there in ten.

Fav 30 9415 1607
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.

Fav 17 1251 8746
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.

Fav 33 1903 5438
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back

Fav 15 1608 4716
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.

Fav 13 5249 1250
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.

Fav 65 7474 2096
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.

Fav 49 21690 1428
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.

Fav 26 4639 1138
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry

Fav 7 1208 2716
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it

Fav 3 978 1218
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops

Fav 29 8384 1220
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.

Fav 9 4256 2522
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle

(612): View more from Minnesota

safety first

Fav 32 5781 1099
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.

Fav 31 5366 888
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.

(260): View more from Indiana

At least you didn't call me Brittany this time

Fav 6 1045 1671
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.

Fav 44 1181 8488
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

wtf you measured my hair?

Fav 20 1625 4796
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.

Fav 32 1636 6526
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts

Fav 12 3511 1120
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I saw his package. It spoke to me.

Fav 11 3601 784
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'

(1-904): View more from Florida

wtf?

(904): View more from Florida

It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'

Fav 14 4757 1177
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

Fav 44 17661 1751
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.

Fav 41 21785 1543
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.

Fav 5 4015 911
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.

Fav 26 1211 2941
share tweet
(858): View more from California

I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.

Fav 35 8889 1134
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.

Fav 73 7888 1174
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'

Fav 18 887 3509
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.

Fav 19 4492 912
share tweet
(408): View more from California

worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum

Fav 28 3201 9695
share tweet
(661): View more from California

May God have mercy on my new vibrator.

Fav 98 8806 1345
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.

Fav 27 1329 11493
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.

Fav 10 5569 1417
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.

Fav 11 871 4139
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..

Fav 22 3299 1477
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas

Fav 27 6467 2811
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."

Fav 7 1302 4267
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.

Fav 7 5571 1221
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

she kept yelling 'call me bella'

Fav 54 1156 5630
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?

(815): View more from Illinois

that's gum

Fav 42 3362 3248
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.

Fav 19 918 3085
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch

(740): View more from Ohio

enter at your own risk

Fav 5 2792 1173
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk

Fav 28 10783 1428
share tweet
(562): View more from California

Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on

Fav 38 2881 8146
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...

Fav 7 1361 4976
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!

Fav 10 7205 1446
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side

Fav 24 1654 8062
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that

Fav 22 9847 1432
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."

(423): View more from Tennessee

Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.

Fav 24 10047 1751
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"

Fav 18 6893 1523
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket

Fav 14 2894 4105
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.

Fav 23 6996 1200
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"

Fav 8 1421 4744
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

Fav 534 137229 6912
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.

Fav 20 6089 949
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

yea ive hooked up with like half those guys

(1-440): View more from Ohio

and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag

Fav 33 7087 1237
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...

Fav 11 1167 3291
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.

Fav 17 4006 1154
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

bl l w

(201): View more from New Jersey

this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.

Fav 63 8919 1171
share tweet
(213): View more from California

I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday

Fav 19 4370 1134
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.

Fav 24 9640 2726
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year

Fav 58 8561 2273
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"

Fav 51 1446 4421
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.

Fav 49 5935 1547
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot

Fav 51 8028 1246
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically

Fav 27 8734 1176
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.

Fav 21 2712 5162
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

Fav 63 59910 1927
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.

Fav 69 12517 1294
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.

Fav 29 8909 1332
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope

Fav 2 4120 771
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!

Fav 92 2559 5032
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

Fav 236 67229 3284
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.

Fav 19 2219 1074
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...

(703): View more from Virginia

oh

Fav 10 1157 3472
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm half single.

(773): View more from Illinois

Please tell me it's the bottom half.

Fav 3 2700 935
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.

Fav 5 1131 1224
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..

(1-647): View more from Ontario

who won?

(647): View more from Ontario

THAT is your concern right now?

Fav 14 5059 1059
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..

Fav 32 5938 1131
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother

Fav 14 5311 1250
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye

(319): View more from Iowa

Wasn't she moving abroad?

(419): View more from Ohio

Are you really going to debate this?

Fav 85 1911 5865
share tweet
(661): View more from California

Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.

Fav 19 1053 4090
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.

Fav 31 3219 6182
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.

Fav 31 6139 2416
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."

Fav 15 8149 1156
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.

Fav 26 6599 767
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.

Fav 10 5845 1038
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.

Fav 21 1348 4044
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.

Fav 44 2225 5949
share tweet
(310): View more from California

i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.

Fav 3 1749 806
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?

Fav 15 9501 1377
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?

Fav 27 7537 1410
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.

Fav 28 5987 1843
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Fav 20 7488 1936
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.

Fav 14 1839 5902
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

Fav 17 16526 1701
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best

(1-773): View more from Illinois

that's your solution for everything

Fav 36 7573 1693
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me

Fav 8 1330 4618
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.

Fav 41 7728 1935
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...

Fav 12 3215 4778
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.

Fav 35 9017 1972
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

..i think i can hear you losing your virginity

Fav 17 9001 2441
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping

Fav 24 6120 1945
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.

Fav 2 1464 839
share tweet
(+64): View more from New Zealand

If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.

Fav 18 5315 1130
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.

Fav 17 1315 5269
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

Dude, I think my check liver light just came on

Fav 29 8229 1683
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...

Fav 17 4972 1348
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

I like taco bell too

Fav 9 4356 1062
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?

Fav 10 1733 814
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.

Fav 9 5641 1245
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.

Fav 28 1553 10166
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better

Fav 26 2122 5107
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....

Fav 14 5112 1062
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.

Fav 23 4101 1069
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.

Fav 22 1747 7790
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

you were so drunk you slurred your pauses

Fav 6 4679 923
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.

Fav 21 1149 4000
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster

Fav 86 1341 4079
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap

Fav 31 1339 4729
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex

(404): View more from Georgia

Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut

(770): View more from Georgia

Fuck. Wron person. But yea

Fav 26 2273 3921
share tweet
(415): View more from California

i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.

Fav 45 5794 1271
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!

Fav 25 3434 1056
share tweet
(905): View more from Toronto

Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke

Fav 33 3425 885
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.

(231): View more from Michigan

better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.

Fav 3 1085 2292
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store

Fav 12 4190 1418
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes

Fav 25 5797 1939
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.

Fav 6 4042 1161
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too

Fav 40 1053 4560
share tweet
(+81): View more from

I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.

(+61): View more from Australia

You're never coming back, are you?

Fav 63 7025 1172
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway

Fav 23 2670 7394
share tweet
(818): View more from California

he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came

(323): View more from California

i love that song!

(818): View more from California

NOT THE POINT

Fav 19 7863 1798
share tweet
(323): View more from California

I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?

Fav 16 1466 5534
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

I wanna be on tlc

(905): View more from Toronto

Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.

Fav 17 4541 855
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"

Fav 16 8104 1287
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.

Fav 14 6060 1112
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.

Fav 7 2466 4244
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!

Fav 21 5807 812
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours

Fav 34 2854 2851
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.

Fav 37 4562 879
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick

Fav 24 1800 6410
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

how do you spell 'special'? like slow?

(210): View more from Texas

S P E L L C H E C K

(808): View more from Hawaii

No you dumbass thats not right

Fav 14 3683 1260
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

Fav 36 13340 1666
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies

Fav 77 1724 7191
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.

(815): View more from Illinois

Grandpa would have been proud

Fav 13 6165 1514
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up

Fav 19 9412 1483
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.

Fav 12 8710 1510
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?

Fav 16 4194 1445
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.

Fav 6 6388 1363
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

Fav 41 5061 7903
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.

Fav 13 5133 1774
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.

Fav 34 9503 1138
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.

Fav 10 4969 940
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".

Fav 5 4213 1430
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.

Fav 56 8777 1328
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night

Fav 34 1457 6436
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.

Fav 10 6027 1147
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.

Fav 19 6405 1175
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?

(1-512): View more from Texas

pretty standard. you have fun last night?

(512): View more from Texas

apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?

(1-512): View more from Texas

typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.

Fav 8 1870 895
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?

Fav 33 6326 1722
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.

Fav 21 1488 3028
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)

Fav 14 2954 1036
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.

Fav 33 6634 1170
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."

Fav 28 6396 1096
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!

Fav 66 1550 17567
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?

Fav 8 1472 3172
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?

Fav 26 7549 1248
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text

Fav 7 809 3459
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?

Fav 6 3634 908
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur

Fav 31 5187 1113
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open

Fav 18 5136 1038
share tweet
(415): View more from California

I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota

(415): View more from California

everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy

Fav 152 1078 3764
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.

Fav 3 1365 1006
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.

Fav 29 5449 1220
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.

Fav 23 4774 1701
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.

Fav 44 12606 1372
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.

Fav 43 15051 1370
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol

Fav 14 4259 905
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

Fav 134 45578 2414
share tweet
(562): View more from California

trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"

Fav 20 3662 1065
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around

Fav 23 1814 3081
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together

Fav 12 5652 1487
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.

Fav 31 6409 1035
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it

Fav 37 2531 5441
share tweet
(510): View more from California

I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.

(702): View more from Nevada

Are you high?

(510): View more from California

No. That's why it's odd

Fav 5 2637 1020
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.

(810): View more from Michigan

I think you know the answer.

(248): View more from Michigan

How can I marinade myself in Vodka?

Fav 12 4149 1005
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.

Fav 196 2463 17272
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.

Fav 17 756 3386
share tweet
(650): View more from California

I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.

Fav 16 1865 1049
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?

(1-515): View more from Iowa

Eco-friendly.

Fav 29 2611 5122
share tweet
(353): View more from

I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing

Fav 41 5893 2099
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table

Fav 92 1216 5369
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.

Fav 18 903 4899
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.

Fav 32 1424 5746
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.

Fav 29 5793 972
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon

Fav 16 901 5163
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.

Fav 16 6814 1336
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?

Fav 150 15143 3806
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you

Fav 21 1330 4761
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I just pynch a tree in the face

Fav 6 1562 866
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket

(212): View more from New York

Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......

(212): View more from New York

Really

(941): View more from Florida

You win

Fav 4 2976 1033
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.

Fav 13 6368 1473
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor

Fav 15 5858 1193
share tweet
(580): View more from Oklahoma

Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.

Fav 57 2667 4835
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon

Fav 33 1209 6636
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"

Fav 25 1333 5811
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."

Fav 51 4849 919
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.

Fav 7 3097 871
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?

Fav 12 4531 1338
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.

Fav 22 7357 1405
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.

Fav 22 9090 1210
share tweet
(+44): View more from England

What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?

Fav 15 1199 4121
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?

Fav 60 1478 4610
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!

Fav 51 7047 1166
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.

Fav 14 4020 984
share tweet
(650): View more from California

You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.

Fav 14 5936 1370
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.

Fav 100 1361 6161
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively

Fav 15 5490 964
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

She'll never know what hit her

(1-703): View more from Virginia

I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.

Fav 2 2025 880
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.

Fav 6 2189 895
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break

Fav 16 6355 817
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.

Fav 23 6595 966
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink

Fav 6 4467 794
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.

(503): View more from Oregon

Cooked or uncooked?

Fav 12 4357 1000
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms

Fav 9 4683 799
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...

(301): View more from Maryland

New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey

Fav 15 2145 793
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen

Fav 20 2654 968
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.

Fav 56 10559 1796
share tweet
(925): View more from California

I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..

Fav 18 5616 871
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?

Fav 11 931 2938
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.

Fav 41 918 7218
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

no his phone, idiot.

Fav 43 10099 1430
share tweet
(786): View more from Florida

Thats something to write home to mom about

(305): View more from Florida

Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her

Fav 17 2083 825
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

Fav 17 10942 1587
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.

Fav 23 5335 1105
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere

Fav 58 15271 1766
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger

Fav 37 4575 1073
share tweet
(858): View more from California

Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.

Fav 31 1654 4920
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.

Fav 53 13123 1205
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm

Fav 105 9479 1566
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?

Fav 26 1391 5898
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now

Fav 21 1109 2870
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.

Fav 19 9519 1028
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

My hair reeks of homosexuality.

Fav 17 1364 1120
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig

Fav 3 1493 1119
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one

Fav 18 7974 1906
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

Fav 36 16875 1736
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.

Fav 77 7601 2116
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.

Fav 44 10351 927
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.

Fav 26 6001 1885
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..

Fav 44 3810 1942
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.

Fav 21 5209 1148
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.

Fav 188 985 4989
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.

Fav 32 977 4676
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.

Fav 32 11989 1710
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice

Fav 13 994 3715
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends

Fav 32 1342 8589
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.

Fav 7 1368 2475
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.

(1-206): View more from Washington

Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.

Fav 8 1520 2163
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up

Fav 1 1426 892
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.

Fav 25 6986 1289
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

Fav 69 28897 3779
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.

Fav 52 18006 1706
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.

Fav 35 12443 1599
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.

Fav 6 1852 5751
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?

Fav 22 3254 1266
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'

(224): View more from Illinois

Im going to research this theory. . .

Fav 47 4104 880
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.

Fav 15 1944 2857
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.

Fav 7 2558 1058
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Call me when you're up

(619): View more from California

Great dream, you were in it

Fav 2 2095 952
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"

Fav 46 2270 9936
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.

Fav 16 4216 907
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.

Fav 21 1056 6475
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"

(314): View more from Missouri

You fucking left with him didn't you?!

Fav 33 1977 4280
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.

Fav 13 3073 881
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.

Fav 70 19903 1629
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

Fav 205 41515 3928
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories

(269): View more from Michigan

I don't see you I see the memories. All the time

Fav 26 1183 2021
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

well i fucked her too, so yes.

Fav 91 1846 9485
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!

Fav 92 14209 1986
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"

Fav 13 4953 1312
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.

Fav 20 4866 880
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?

(646): View more from New York

Lmao what?

(917): View more from New York City

It's a yes or no question.

Fav 20 5671 1831
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just found out I have a small penis.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?

Fav 23 891 5693
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.

Fav 9 4966 1539
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.

Fav 7 5913 1200
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??

Fav 47 2326 3695
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion

(202): View more from Washington, DC

He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction

Fav 60 1018 5523
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.

(440): View more from Ohio

I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl

Fav 25 7026 1032
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.

Fav 38 1965 4409
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her

(513): View more from Ohio

me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..

Fav 79 1543 6051
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.

Fav 6 1028 3809
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

susan atkins died, charles manson's lady

(312): View more from Illinois

dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.

Fav 11 1071 2709
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.

Fav 16 4612 1657
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.

Fav 50 1148 4945
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.

Fav 9 2964 1155
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

haha what'd she say

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF

Fav 30 2434 1161
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.

Fav 24 2278 7132
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.

(416): View more from Toronto

Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!

Fav 40 10890 1670
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI

Fav 24 7160 2410
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Did we have sex last night?

(1-706): View more from Georgia

I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.

Fav 16 975 6557
share tweet
(562): View more from California

Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop

Fav 78 4967 1586
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.

Fav 11 8161 1724
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Walk of Shame time yet?

(1+44): View more from

Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?

Fav 44 19710 2143
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.

Fav 10 6399 916
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

Hahahaha

(270): View more from Kentucky

make that 40.

Fav 3 1041 2178
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...

Fav 5 1678 1055
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

How is your vagina???

(941): View more from Florida

Double booked

(646): View more from New York

With your butt?

(941): View more from Florida

Totes, candlesticks and all

(646): View more from New York

Yay!!

Fav 4 2321 1067
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.

Fav 15 9915 1364
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!

Fav 107 2308 6056
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.

Fav 19 5082 893
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?

(1-705): View more from Ontario

I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.

Fav 14 4072 1102
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them

Fav 7 3269 1055
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I hraet yuo

(862): View more from New Jersey

did you say you heart me or hate me?

(518): View more from New York

who is this?

Fav 18 4116 1217
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...

Fav 30 994 2501
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.

Fav 12 1062 5350
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

i just snorted my name. best moment ever

Fav 44 2748 3419
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him

(313): View more from Michigan

at least he gets points for a creative booty call

Fav 16 7654 903
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.

Fav 91 2369 10205
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom

Fav 6 4277 825
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.

Fav 38 7492 936
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar

Fav 27 3114 716
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.

Fav 14 3055 835
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I can text with my tongue

Fav 23 3579 931
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.

Fav 3 3556 910
share tweet
(323): View more from California

my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.

Fav 9 1065 4040
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy

Fav 18 1499 2473
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.

Fav 39 7824 1478
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world

Fav 7 1033 3936
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.

Fav 23 1224 7862
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."

Fav 15 1120 4954
share tweet
(760): View more from California

The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.

Fav 11 1279 6860
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married

Fav 19 1455 7885
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.

Fav 11 1287 4788
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.

Fav 20 1358 6190
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets

Fav 14 1331 4100
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories

Fav 23 1297 4513
share tweet
(415): View more from California

I have another pimple on my ass cheek.

(420): View more from

I'll be there in 10 minutes.

Fav 25 1440 8301
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"

Fav 13 1738 9114
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???

Fav 22 1348 5267
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.

Fav 7 1452 3949
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.

Fav 19 1638 5853
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?

(516): View more from New York

nope.

Fav 21 1598 4687
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."

Fav 12 1570 6243
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality

Fav 73 1811 13287
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.

Fav 16 1585 5579
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.

Fav 10 1627 3986
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window

Fav 13 1632 4463
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now

Fav 9 1772 4896
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

Its weird to pet your cat with a boner

(1-406): View more from Montana

What the fuck?

Fav 48 2487 9155
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.

Fav 22 2093 3845
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card

Fav 30 2802 8327
share tweet
(435): View more from Utah

Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'

Fav 26 2811 8428
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.

Fav 48 3166 9947
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out

Fav 33 3202 6235
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.

Fav 17 5458 1772
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.

Fav 7 2980 1421
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.

Fav 39 3787 5919
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?

Fav 33 3614 3911
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.

Fav 9 4324 1230
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.

Fav 15 4995 1450
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.

Fav 14 4874 1148
share tweet
(450): View more from Quebec

I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...

(450): View more from Quebec

On that note, do I have a rule?

Fav 15 5120 1391
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"

Fav 5 4428 1302
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.

Fav 14 5523 1417
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha

Fav 10 5005 1741
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.

Fav 12 5081 1443
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.

Fav 9 5065 1455
share tweet
(323): View more from California

Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.

Fav 17 5162 1248
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.

Fav 13 5535 1680
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?

(1-502): View more from Kentucky

eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.

Fav 19 5322 1365
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.

Fav 6 5363 1203
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?

Fav 9 5435 1168
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.

Fav 22 5750 1244
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.

Fav 23 6012 3698
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab

Fav 24 5693 1771
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.

Fav 18 5492 1240
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

why weren't you at the audition last night?

(1-804): View more from Virginia

booty call before role call

Fav 17 5424 1179
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter

Fav 15 5972 1404
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.

Fav 15 5896 1507
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.

Fav 52 6843 3886
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.

Fav 13 5930 1260
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.

Fav 22 6169 1325
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.

Fav 13 6319 1463
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.

Fav 23 7366 1519
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.

Fav 26 6589 1480
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card

Fav 19 6070 1283
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.

Fav 13 6880 1592
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.

Fav 13 6800 1523
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.

Fav 35 7068 1669
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.

Fav 33 6397 1367
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.

Fav 27 7088 1457
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.

Fav 23 7712 1339
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".

Fav 39 8289 1423
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....

(1-540): View more from Virginia

It was the best sex i've ever had.

Fav 13 8197 1457
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."

Fav 17 8269 1527
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"

Fav 13 8043 1406
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.

(847): View more from Illinois

ill be there in 5.

Fav 26 9155 1357
share tweet
(308): View more from Nebraska

i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .

Fav 17 8559 1536
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.

Fav 10 9260 1361
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?

Fav 37 13978 1462
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes

Fav 10 5849 1433
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..

(1-619): View more from California

I am not bailing you of of jail

Fav 19 6753 1631
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.

Fav 25 10580 1354
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.

Fav 36 9751 1528
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

True romance of the 21st century.

Fav 63 13879 1723
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.

Fav 51 9348 1296
share tweet