Texts From Last Night · Crash_Underride's Favorites

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(+06): View more from

it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.

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(210): View more from Texas

i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.

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(773): View more from Illinois

she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable

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(269): View more from Michigan

i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them

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(256): View more from Alabama

she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.

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(858): View more from California

Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it

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(+61): View more from Australia

I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.

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(708): View more from Illinois

This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am

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(269): View more from Michigan

He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.

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(949): View more from California

I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.

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(630): View more from Illinois

She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep

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(509): View more from Washington

She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

She tied me up with her honor cords...

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(407): View more from Florida

When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.

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(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.

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(916): View more from California

Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?

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(409): View more from Texas

We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus

(1-409): View more from Texas

How are you texting me from 1998?

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(716): View more from New York

You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.

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(516): View more from New York

until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life

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(416): View more from Toronto

Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?

(416): View more from Toronto

Better looking than her though please.

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(210): View more from Texas

I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too

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(404): View more from Georgia

hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.

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(317): View more from Indiana

she was licking his armpits.

(317): View more from Indiana

asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag

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(716): View more from New York

It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.

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(705): View more from Ontario

It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.

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(513): View more from Ohio

First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the worst part is we had a camera rolling

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Yes.

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I have to watch that.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.

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(312): View more from Illinois

just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.

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(409): View more from Texas

First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers

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(352): View more from Florida

homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...

(1-352): View more from Florida

so you did it...

(352): View more from Florida

obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party

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(207): View more from Maine

dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat

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(309): View more from Illinois

I'd suck anything for a pizza right now

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.

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(408): View more from California

They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.

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(330): View more from Ohio

You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.

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(316): View more from Kansas

My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.

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(512): View more from Texas

There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.

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(310): View more from California

Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone

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(805): View more from California

a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot

(818): View more from California

god is laughing at you again

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(325): View more from Texas

suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.

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(806): View more from Texas

If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

That's funny. Are they weird looking???

(262): View more from Wisconsin

OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.

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(443): View more from Maryland

She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly

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(530): View more from California

I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(503): View more from Oregon

Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.

(360): View more from Washington

im coming over.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Shittttttt.

(734): View more from Michigan

Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.

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(925): View more from California

its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife

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(248): View more from Michigan

Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

told you he was gay.

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(703): View more from Virginia

using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.

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(206): View more from Washington

He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?

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(706): View more from Georgia

I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?

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(208): View more from Idaho

On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'

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(613): View more from Ontario

I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.

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(562): View more from California

I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious

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(646): View more from New York

There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.

(1-646): View more from New York

Your pregnant arnt you

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(757): View more from Virginia

He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?

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(856): View more from New Jersey

She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"

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(516): View more from New York

Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb

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(601): View more from Mississippi

It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...

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(210): View more from Texas

You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...

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(415): View more from California

Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.

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(785): View more from Kansas

He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.

(1-785): View more from Kansas

But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest

(248): View more from Michigan

If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does

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(337): View more from Louisiana

You going out tonight?

(318): View more from Louisiana

No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.

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(519): View more from Ontario

due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.

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(757): View more from Virginia

He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you

(580): View more from Oklahoma

Really.

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(518): View more from New York

I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...

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(217): View more from Illinois

i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.

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(317): View more from Indiana

i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..

(1-317): View more from Indiana

yeah thats usually a good indication.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?

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(785): View more from Kansas

I found those 18 whoppers we bought.

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(810): View more from Michigan

can I come stay the night

(217): View more from Illinois

yeah, but no sex tonight

(810): View more from Michigan

I'll stay home

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(917): View more from New York City

so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool

(252): View more from North Carolina

Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five

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(443): View more from Maryland

She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.

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(254): View more from Texas

There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Haha did she know what fisting meant?

(734): View more from Michigan

Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself

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(703): View more from Virginia

look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Church boner. Awkwardddd

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(419): View more from Ohio

I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.

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(518): View more from New York

As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.

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(409): View more from Texas

Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.

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(847): View more from Illinois

he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?

(952): View more from Minnesota

You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....

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(949): View more from California

Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work

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(949): View more from California

Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.

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(650): View more from California

We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.

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(309): View more from Illinois

so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?

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(269): View more from Michigan

Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

God wants them to get laid too.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora

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(630): View more from Illinois

i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

nothing about this is right.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.

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(585): View more from New York

My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

How did the beer even get there in the first place?

(734): View more from Michigan

That's not what's important right now

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit

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(352): View more from Florida

Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes

(1-352): View more from Florida

I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�

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(630): View more from Illinois

She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.

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(703): View more from Virginia

She's allergic to latex.

(678): View more from Georgia

Lucky bastard.

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(281): View more from Texas

I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss

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(248): View more from Michigan

my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'

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(304): View more from West Virginia

His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.

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(207): View more from Maine

my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

my sombrero is too big for the bathroom

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(366): View more from

just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.

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(631): View more from New York

Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!

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(501): View more from Arkansas

This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

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(613): View more from Ontario

it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole

(1-613): View more from Ontario

im not talking about this

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(913): View more from Kansas

Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"

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(816): View more from Missouri

Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.

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(914): View more from New York

I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.

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(503): View more from Oregon

my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.

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(703): View more from Virginia

You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

without a question

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(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

Or a large amount of condoms?!?

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(512): View more from Texas

dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf

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(203): View more from Connecticut

just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex

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(847): View more from Illinois

but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final

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(316): View more from Kansas

And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.

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(817): View more from Texas

how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?

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(571): View more from Virginia

All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet

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(807): View more from Ontario

yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd

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(917): View more from New York City

shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom

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(208): View more from Idaho

I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks

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(319): View more from Iowa

I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.

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(850): View more from Florida

Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.

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(757): View more from Virginia

you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'

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(319): View more from Iowa

I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women

(319): View more from Iowa

I wish I had your problem

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.

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(330): View more from Ohio

giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....

(732): View more from New Jersey

This explains a lot.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part

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(419): View more from Ohio

This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?

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(845): View more from New York

its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth

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(646): View more from New York

He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success

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(843): View more from South Carolina

my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...

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(951): View more from California

I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins

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(214): View more from Texas

herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.

(1-214): View more from Texas

ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots

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(203): View more from Connecticut

yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

when did we get a doorman?

(203): View more from Connecticut

we were also in the wrong building...

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.

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(913): View more from Kansas

You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #

(816): View more from Missouri

ah tequila...

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(701): View more from North Dakota

does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.

(201): View more from New Jersey

We better fuck soon then

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(504): View more from Louisiana

i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls

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(330): View more from Ohio

I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."

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(281): View more from Texas

FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!

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(817): View more from Texas

he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

grab my backpack.....its in the fridge

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(858): View more from California

Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch

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(773): View more from Illinois

She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs

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(352): View more from Florida

Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big

(720): View more from Colorado

Welcome to my life

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(843): View more from South Carolina

when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.

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(850): View more from Florida

some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.

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(845): View more from New York

Because ur a stupid bitch

(1-845): View more from New York

Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.

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(845): View more from New York

i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Clothes are such an inconvenience.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.

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(620): View more from Kansas

Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.

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(319): View more from Iowa

I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online

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(314): View more from Missouri

Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?

(636): View more from Missouri

our generation is not ready to get married

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.

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(904): View more from Florida

Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.

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(940): View more from Texas

The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.

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(239): View more from Florida

Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?

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(914): View more from New York

I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me

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(931): View more from Tennessee

drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.

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(818): View more from California

my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.

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(954): View more from Florida

I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie

(420): View more from

your the best winggirl ever

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(480): View more from Arizona

Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."

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(703): View more from Virginia

then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"

(773): View more from Illinois

I forgot about that,good spring break.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..

(256): View more from Alabama

everythings easier when your wearing a toga.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.

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(513): View more from Ohio

So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.

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(813): View more from Florida

So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.

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(310): View more from California

So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes

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(260): View more from Indiana

Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.

(219): View more from Indiana

You said that last year...

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(631): View more from New York

she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??

(713): View more from Texas

Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"

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(707): View more from California

My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

bring money and cleavage

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway

(860): View more from Connecticut

That's what she gets for taking his peeps.

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(813): View more from Florida

Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.

(1-813): View more from Florida

I ordered a moonbounce.

(813): View more from Florida

Fuck, you win.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.

(904): View more from Florida

FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift

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(402): View more from Nebraska

your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it

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(831): View more from California

No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick

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(908): View more from New Jersey

how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?

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(631): View more from New York

Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america

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(804): View more from Virginia

when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"

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(702): View more from Nevada

Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter

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(407): View more from Florida

I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

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(727): View more from Florida

how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?

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(516): View more from New York

The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.

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(813): View more from Florida

We shouldn"t be alone together

(606): View more from Kentucky

you didn"t say that yesterday

(813): View more from Florida

you weren't married yesterday

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.

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(410): View more from Maryland

As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.

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(989): View more from Michigan

dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away

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(302): View more from Delaware

He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better

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(917): View more from New York City

i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.

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(760): View more from California

Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I love boston

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(516): View more from New York

Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.

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(409): View more from Texas

We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.

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(214): View more from Texas

Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go

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(207): View more from Maine

at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally

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(908): View more from New Jersey

fireball beer pong. youre missing out

(732): View more from New Jersey

how is that even possible?

(908): View more from New Jersey

ove gloves.

(732): View more from New Jersey

be there in ten.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."

(423): View more from Tennessee

Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night

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(301): View more from Maryland

Not even the dog will look at me anymore.

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(516): View more from New York

I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"

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(615): View more from Tennessee

i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket

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(360): View more from Washington

Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere

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(307): View more from Wyoming

So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"

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(802): View more from Vermont

you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.

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(562): View more from California

Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on

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(503): View more from Oregon

Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.

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(646): View more from New York

They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin

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(802): View more from Vermont

I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.

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(754): View more from Florida

You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.

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(703): View more from Virginia

he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman

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(205): View more from Alabama

there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?

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(513): View more from Ohio

You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping

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(248): View more from Michigan

Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.

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(618): View more from Illinois

It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.

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(703): View more from Virginia

positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier

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(919): View more from North Carolina

We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.

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(216): View more from Ohio

somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?

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(240): View more from Maryland

i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.

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(561): View more from Florida

Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name

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(586): View more from Michigan

She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.

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(703): View more from Virginia

i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated

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(504): View more from Louisiana

How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.

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(316): View more from Kansas

when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre

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(716): View more from New York

she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?

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(317): View more from Indiana

The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

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(206): View more from Washington

i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast

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(905): View more from Ontario

Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best

(1-773): View more from Illinois

that's your solution for everything

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(815): View more from Illinois

Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.

(815): View more from Illinois

Grandpa would have been proud

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(618): View more from Illinois

Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car

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(904): View more from Florida

he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up

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(315): View more from New York

They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.

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(616): View more from Michigan

he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".

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(315): View more from New York

i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?

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(913): View more from Kansas

so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?

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(516): View more from New York

its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved

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(972): View more from Texas

They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

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(760): View more from California

i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have

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(845): View more from New York

he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?

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(928): View more from Arizona

whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?

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(817): View more from Texas

just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child

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(540): View more from Virginia

She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.

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(703): View more from Virginia

apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies

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(205): View more from Alabama

When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'

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(410): View more from Maryland

He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

True romance of the 21st century.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?

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(619): View more from California

Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..

(1-619): View more from California

I am not bailing you of of jail

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

And she used to have such long ones. Sad.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us

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(564): View more from Washington

I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.

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(703): View more from Virginia

As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

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(513): View more from Ohio

sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.

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(518): View more from New York

Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.

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(925): View more from California

his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.

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(912): View more from Georgia

There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.

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(248): View more from Michigan

It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya

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(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.

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(619): View more from California

There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.

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(408): View more from California

i fucked her mom dude

(1-408): View more from California

there's something to tell the kids

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(937): View more from Ohio

Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover

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(773): View more from Illinois

She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married

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(419): View more from Ohio

So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?

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(254): View more from Texas

Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy

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(513): View more from Ohio

i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.

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(512): View more from Texas

it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me

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(254): View more from Texas

People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...

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(218): View more from Minnesota

If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?

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(419): View more from Ohio

He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.

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(409): View more from Texas

We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.

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(314): View more from Missouri

So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.

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(231): View more from Michigan

You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.

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(450): View more from Quebec

I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...

(450): View more from Quebec

On that note, do I have a rule?

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(925): View more from California

DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.

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(810): View more from Michigan

The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab

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(480): View more from Arizona

Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".

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(813): View more from Florida

I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.

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(949): View more from California

I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?

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(972): View more from Texas

I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.

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(406): View more from Montana

Its weird to pet your cat with a boner

(1-406): View more from Montana

What the fuck?

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(518): View more from New York

and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow

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(408): View more from California

Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it

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(702): View more from Nevada

You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.

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(714): View more from California

She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.

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(503): View more from Oregon

we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.

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(708): View more from Illinois

You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.

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(443): View more from Maryland

i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?

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(216): View more from Ohio

She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.

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(540): View more from Virginia

just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian

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(760): View more from California

The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.

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(817): View more from Texas

New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.

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(574): View more from Indiana

no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity

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(708): View more from Illinois

I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza

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(850): View more from Florida

You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?

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(816): View more from Missouri

Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"

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(765): View more from Indiana

just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.

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(435): View more from Utah

Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'

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(845): View more from New York

They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.

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(817): View more from Texas

My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.

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(708): View more from Illinois

She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?

(1-502): View more from Kentucky

eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.

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(574): View more from Indiana

there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"

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(512): View more from Texas

My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.

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(208): View more from Idaho

My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.

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(425): View more from Washington

Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.

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(812): View more from Indiana

through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.

(847): View more from Illinois

ill be there in 5.

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(785): View more from Kansas

We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.

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(540): View more from Virginia

That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....

(1-540): View more from Virginia

It was the best sex i've ever had.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?

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(205): View more from Alabama

The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.

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(817): View more from Texas

She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."

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(605): View more from South Dakota

i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."

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(516): View more from New York

She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass

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(469): View more from Texas

I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.

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(516): View more from New York

Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.

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(302): View more from Delaware

dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit

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(314): View more from Missouri

he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

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(443): View more from Maryland

dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.

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(585): View more from New York

Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."

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(408): View more from California

Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.

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(631): View more from New York

she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?

(516): View more from New York

nope.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.

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(845): View more from New York

The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .

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(254): View more from Texas

I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place

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(813): View more from Florida

God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.

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(315): View more from New York

Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.

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(714): View more from California

i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick

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(581): View more from Quebec

I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out

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(858): View more from California

I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"

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(804): View more from Virginia

why weren't you at the audition last night?

(1-804): View more from Virginia

booty call before role call

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(415): View more from California

I have another pimple on my ass cheek.

(420): View more from

I'll be there in 10 minutes.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house

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(540): View more from Virginia

he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card

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(901): View more from Tennessee

He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.

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(573): View more from Missouri

officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water

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(516): View more from New York

Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now

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(816): View more from Missouri

dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

(816): View more from Missouri

that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality

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(616): View more from Michigan

So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???

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(802): View more from Vermont

We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken

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(914): View more from New York

every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now

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(719): View more from Colorado

Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"

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(803): View more from South Carolina

No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..

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(248): View more from Michigan

Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.

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(660): View more from Missouri

Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut

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(330): View more from Ohio

i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.

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(647): View more from Ontario

it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"

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(905): View more from Ontario

He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.

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(407): View more from Florida

Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.

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(432): View more from Texas

His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"

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(248): View more from Michigan

first off, his name is dougie. strike one.

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(208): View more from Idaho

His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life

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(330): View more from Ohio

Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.

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(914): View more from New York

yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans

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(973): View more from New Jersey

she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.

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(256): View more from Alabama

from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.

(334): View more from Alabama

i do.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list

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(314): View more from Missouri

Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'

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(937): View more from Ohio

someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it

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(440): View more from Ohio

We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"

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(727): View more from Florida

I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.

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(916): View more from California

He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants

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(770): View more from Georgia

Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???

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(614): View more from Ohio

trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night

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(714): View more from California

So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.

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(613): View more from Ontario

The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car

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(204): View more from Manitoba

some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city

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(847): View more from Illinois

Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life

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(765): View more from Indiana

Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.

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(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

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(417): View more from Missouri

That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun

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(616): View more from Michigan

our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.

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(703): View more from Virginia

The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.

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(512): View more from Texas

He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy

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(707): View more from California

I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.

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(214): View more from Texas

Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.

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(248): View more from Michigan

We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.

(440): View more from Ohio

I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.

(248): View more from Michigan

Playoffs. This shit is serious.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.

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(813): View more from Florida

so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw

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(831): View more from California

i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?

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(847): View more from Illinois

On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.

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(650): View more from California

I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it

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(757): View more from Virginia

I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well

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(519): View more from Ontario

I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.

(519): View more from Ontario

She did the bend and snap...

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(970): View more from Colorado

you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...

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(434): View more from Virginia

NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.

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(386): View more from Florida

Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...

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(720): View more from Colorado

You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar

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(630): View more from Illinois

the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.

(630): View more from Illinois

just thought you should know her name is kristen

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(419): View more from Ohio

Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico

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(305): View more from Florida

you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out

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(919): View more from North Carolina

my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Operation Purity has been aborted

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(818): View more from California

Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.

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(925): View more from California

I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.

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(760): View more from California

He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man

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(440): View more from Ohio

You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos

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(650): View more from California

You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.

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(802): View more from Vermont

he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...

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(909): View more from California

and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.

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(903): View more from Texas

How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?

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(623): View more from Arizona

Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.

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(706): View more from Georgia

He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer

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(650): View more from California

areolas are like halos for boobs.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.

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(315): View more from New York

My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.

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(858): View more from California

There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.

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(+47): View more from Norway

I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day

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(703): View more from Virginia

well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.

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(607): View more from New York

I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?

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(240): View more from Maryland

I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.

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(207): View more from Maine

guess who has a date tonight

(401): View more from Rhode Island

look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.

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(574): View more from Indiana

Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.

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(813): View more from Florida

She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is

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(660): View more from Missouri

I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.

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(716): View more from New York

He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once

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(940): View more from Texas

I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?

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(301): View more from Maryland

look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.

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(916): View more from California

I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"

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(417): View more from Missouri

i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.

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(561): View more from Florida

I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date

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(254): View more from Texas

I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.

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(631): View more from New York

Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there

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(925): View more from California

He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.

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(917): View more from New York City

Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins

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(586): View more from Michigan

apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.

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(812): View more from Indiana

After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you

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(530): View more from California

my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...

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(573): View more from Missouri

just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.

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(425): View more from Washington

Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????

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(517): View more from Michigan

My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"

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(707): View more from California

He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good

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(217): View more from Illinois

you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

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(716): View more from New York

the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..

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(507): View more from Minnesota

That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."

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(518): View more from New York

idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever

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(770): View more from Georgia

i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.

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(903): View more from Texas

The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.

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(718): View more from New York

At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.

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(917): View more from New York City

hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father

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(203): View more from Connecticut

his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing

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(425): View more from Washington

i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"

(206): View more from Washington

do it. it's every man's dream.

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(917): View more from New York City

found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

who'd you have sex with.

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(305): View more from Florida

I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?

(1-305): View more from Florida

Seriously?

(305): View more from Florida

100%

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(501): View more from Arkansas

He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.

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(503): View more from Oregon

How did you steal an entire pie?

(602): View more from Arizona

I don't know. It's in my purse.

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(937): View more from Ohio

after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won

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(480): View more from Arizona

He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.

(602): View more from Arizona

Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.

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(845): View more from New York

that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing

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(631): View more from New York

this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed

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(586): View more from Michigan

You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"

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(602): View more from Arizona

So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.

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(714): View more from California

He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.

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(816): View more from Missouri

is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex

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(201): View more from New Jersey

A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".

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(765): View more from Indiana

well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh

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(712): View more from Iowa

Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf

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(310): View more from California

LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.

(310): View more from California

And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?

(917): View more from New York City

what kind of party is this?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the best kind ever

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(913): View more from Kansas

Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.

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(303): View more from Colorado

We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.

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(281): View more from Texas

Thanks for getting me home last night.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.

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(807): View more from Ontario

I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell

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(417): View more from Missouri

I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka

(479): View more from Arkansas

I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once

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(239): View more from Florida

I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?

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(760): View more from California

so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?

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(614): View more from Ohio

So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.

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(443): View more from Maryland

One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.

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(256): View more from Alabama

so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

u sound so gay right now

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(870): View more from Arkansas

You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform

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(330): View more from Ohio

Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.

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(801): View more from Utah

Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

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(786): View more from Florida

All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

(713): View more from Texas

lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.

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(219): View more from Indiana

i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her

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(317): View more from Indiana

he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed

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(410): View more from Maryland

I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.

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(607): View more from New York

she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.

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(419): View more from Ohio

vegan vag taste different. and not a good different

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(850): View more from Florida

Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave

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(519): View more from Ontario

I have a critically important question to ask.

(519): View more from Ontario

Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line

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(906): View more from Michigan

Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family

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(248): View more from Michigan

Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

That's the best idea I've heard all day.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight

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(407): View more from Florida

Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?

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(561): View more from Florida

george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.

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(214): View more from Texas

How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.

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(541): View more from Oregon

What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?

(503): View more from Oregon

3some

(541): View more from Oregon

You're right, stupid question.

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(954): View more from Florida

thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.

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(214): View more from Texas

decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?

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(310): View more from California

You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...

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(248): View more from Michigan

They have a pepper shaker for pot.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.

(1-541): View more from Oregon

Miracles do happen.

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(914): View more from New York

I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think

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(912): View more from Georgia

It's not kidnapping if it's romantic

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(905): View more from Ontario

The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.

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(360): View more from Washington

he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

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(440): View more from Ohio

mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.

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(516): View more from New York

We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.

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(845): View more from New York

So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.

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(585): View more from New York

she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over

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(229): View more from Georgia

please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.

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(310): View more from California

someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.

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(941): View more from Florida

thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.

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(720): View more from Colorado

It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants

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(812): View more from Indiana

it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked

(1-812): View more from Indiana

tasteful.

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(417): View more from Missouri

My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.

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(315): View more from New York

We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I just snuked. Sneezed and puked

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.

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(703): View more from Virginia

How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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(423): View more from Tennessee

my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg

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(480): View more from Arizona

he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug

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(703): View more from Virginia

so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home

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(519): View more from Ontario

Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.

(416): View more from Toronto

Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.

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(631): View more from New York

He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...

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(763): View more from Minnesota

It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.

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(904): View more from Florida

we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...

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(314): View more from Missouri

I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.

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(571): View more from Virginia

found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.

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(516): View more from New York

sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

What happened?....

(304): View more from West Virginia

He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....

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(630): View more from Illinois

Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.

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(614): View more from Ohio

halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Best friends brother. Beat that.

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(305): View more from Florida

I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.

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(440): View more from Ohio

he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her

(732): View more from New Jersey

Clearly I went along with it

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(716): View more from New York

She's like a pop up book from hell.

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(248): View more from Michigan

If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.

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(408): View more from California

New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.

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(207): View more from Maine

Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.

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(770): View more from Georgia

So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...

(404): View more from Georgia

Dont! You were just serving you country

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(917): View more from New York City

I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.

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(518): View more from New York

She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.

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(714): View more from California

Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.

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(916): View more from California

She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad

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(308): View more from Nebraska

I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.

(402): View more from Nebraska

but it's kind of a high honor.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.

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(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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(720): View more from Colorado

she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.

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(619): View more from California

Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night

(401): View more from Rhode Island

no, that is not a typo

(401): View more from Rhode Island

i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday

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(323): View more from California

Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.

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(561): View more from Florida

I can't believe he would be such an ass

(1-561): View more from Florida

Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs

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(336): View more from North Carolina

you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them

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(646): View more from New York

it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm

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(908): View more from New Jersey

and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

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(705): View more from Ontario

Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think

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(760): View more from California

She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.

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(410): View more from Maryland

what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?

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(801): View more from Utah

He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet

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(618): View more from Illinois

I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.

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(786): View more from Florida

I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.

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(905): View more from Ontario

i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night

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(402): View more from Nebraska

consequently i now know what mace tastes like

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(803): View more from South Carolina

we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper

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(319): View more from Iowa

Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.

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(770): View more from Georgia

That's cool how's he been?

(404): View more from Georgia

He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.

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(716): View more from New York

Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors

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(802): View more from Vermont

I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.

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(404): View more from Georgia

No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.

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(360): View more from Washington

I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later

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(631): View more from New York

My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other

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(706): View more from Georgia

I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.

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(518): View more from New York

I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth

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(812): View more from Indiana

We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

You make your fellow Jews happy.

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(314): View more from Missouri

What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house

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(313): View more from Michigan

Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.

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(706): View more from Georgia

we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.

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(419): View more from Ohio

we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.

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(630): View more from Illinois

don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here

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(847): View more from Illinois

Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.

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(914): View more from New York

Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

whats a bus flip?

(225): View more from Louisiana

idk but apparently i invented it

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(856): View more from New Jersey

part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I did the walk of shame to church this morning.

(734): View more from Michigan

hooker boots and all?

(313): View more from Michigan

Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(208): View more from Idaho

this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"

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(301): View more from Maryland

He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"

(1-301): View more from Maryland

Soulmates.

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(315): View more from New York

It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities

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(509): View more from Washington

I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.

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(850): View more from Florida

Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here

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(316): View more from Kansas

She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....

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(530): View more from California

I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite

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(845): View more from New York

You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.

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(961): View more from

I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit

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(210): View more from Texas

happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.

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(661): View more from California

I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.

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(716): View more from New York

Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!

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(585): View more from New York

ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried

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(845): View more from New York

I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"

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(253): View more from Washington

For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.

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(936): View more from Texas

You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Why am I in a dog kennel?

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

It was for your own safety

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(219): View more from Indiana

Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

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(512): View more from Texas

someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP

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(615): View more from Tennessee

He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low

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(704): View more from North Carolina

see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it

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(416): View more from Toronto

He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.

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(614): View more from Ohio

This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.

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(806): View more from Texas

yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....

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(810): View more from Michigan

My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."

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(954): View more from Florida

i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"

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(585): View more from New York

you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose

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(309): View more from Illinois

I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before

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(609): View more from New Jersey

girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.

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(817): View more from Texas

Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.

(818): View more from California

Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?

(817): View more from Texas

Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation

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(+52): View more from Mexico

that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.

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(317): View more from Indiana

and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way

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(540): View more from Virginia

she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.

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(616): View more from Michigan

whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?

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(770): View more from Georgia

Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.

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(516): View more from New York

and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.

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(541): View more from Oregon

woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.

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(647): View more from Ontario

It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM

(416): View more from Toronto

From?

(647): View more from Ontario

Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...

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(719): View more from Colorado

I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.

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(716): View more from New York

as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.

(1-716): View more from New York

momma always taught us never to change for a boy..

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(623): View more from Arizona

His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?

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(330): View more from Ohio

When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...

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(847): View more from Illinois

You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.

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(518): View more from New York

i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again

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(973): View more from New Jersey

he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I'm watching ellen!

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show

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(203): View more from Connecticut

On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.

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(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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(970): View more from Colorado

Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

And that worked?

(919): View more from North Carolina

9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.

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(646): View more from New York

we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..

(219): View more from Indiana

you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.

(646): View more from New York

nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..

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(845): View more from New York

I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

fair is fair

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(704): View more from North Carolina

It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.

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(845): View more from New York

I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.

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(214): View more from Texas

new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.

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(561): View more from Florida

I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.

(561): View more from Florida

He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.

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(281): View more from Texas

Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.

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(503): View more from Oregon

My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party

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(641): View more from Iowa

since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica

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(718): View more from New York

you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...

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(720): View more from Colorado

My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?

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(404): View more from Georgia

She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"

(678): View more from Georgia

So... What happend then?

(404): View more from Georgia

We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.

(260): View more from Indiana

He probs deserved it.

(317): View more from Indiana

Every good man does.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"

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(519): View more from Ontario

I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?

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(314): View more from Missouri

In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major

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(630): View more from Illinois

Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"

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(425): View more from Washington

I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old

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(520): View more from Arizona

just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

We should party with her soon

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(408): View more from California

Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?

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(770): View more from Georgia

At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong

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(301): View more from Maryland

the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.

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(301): View more from Maryland

let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."

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(573): View more from Missouri

My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.

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(309): View more from Illinois

it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45

(773): View more from Illinois

Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy

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(206): View more from Washington

He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...

(1-206): View more from Washington

He obviously understands you completely.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him

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(904): View more from Florida

bring the vodka.

(1-904): View more from Florida

i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?

(904): View more from Florida

we are.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest

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(905): View more from Ontario

MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.

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(313): View more from Michigan

So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.

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(407): View more from Florida

She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead

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(646): View more from New York

Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.

(404): View more from Georgia

you should get a family discount.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that

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(650): View more from California

If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance

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(847): View more from Illinois

2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.

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(303): View more from Colorado

other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do

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(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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(517): View more from Michigan

There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks

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(502): View more from Kentucky

new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home

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(601): View more from Mississippi

A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella

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(360): View more from Washington

I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...

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(510): View more from California

stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work

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(208): View more from Idaho

My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.

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(972): View more from Texas

I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.

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(954): View more from Florida

I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M

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(616): View more from Michigan

I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were

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(305): View more from Florida

Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.

(786): View more from Florida

How high are you right now..

(305): View more from Florida

I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

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(440): View more from Ohio

We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.

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(248): View more from Michigan

i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...

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(269): View more from Michigan

I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.

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(813): View more from Florida

We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"

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(585): View more from New York

He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"

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(727): View more from Florida

In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.

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(613): View more from Ontario

It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.

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(949): View more from California

Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way

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(817): View more from Texas

At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.

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(817): View more from Texas

They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?

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(636): View more from Missouri

you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.

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(989): View more from Michigan

no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".

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(269): View more from Michigan

when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.

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(206): View more from Washington

tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth

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(614): View more from Ohio

The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

A simple 'no' would have sufficed

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(217): View more from Illinois

i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.

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(512): View more from Texas

Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?

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(408): View more from California

worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum

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(281): View more from Texas

It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.

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(954): View more from Florida

I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm

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(614): View more from Ohio

Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"

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(440): View more from Ohio

any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement

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(970): View more from Colorado

Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Clearly I made an impression.

(404): View more from Georgia

Or at least your vagina did.

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(386): View more from Florida

Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him

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(646): View more from New York

You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.

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(618): View more from Illinois

he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good

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(602): View more from Arizona

i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired

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(815): View more from Illinois

I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.

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(770): View more from Georgia

That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously

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(650): View more from California

This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"

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(419): View more from Ohio

Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.

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(925): View more from California

I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero

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(785): View more from Kansas

i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up

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(702): View more from Nevada

I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer

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(512): View more from Texas

its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video

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(+49): View more from Germany

This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.

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(845): View more from New York

my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe

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(703): View more from Virginia

I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense

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(713): View more from Texas

We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?

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(718): View more from New York

all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over

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(434): View more from Virginia

The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever

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(512): View more from Texas

Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas

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(502): View more from Kentucky

they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.

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(773): View more from Illinois

When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger

(708): View more from Illinois

You are the reason we need health care reform

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(734): View more from Michigan

airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.

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(760): View more from California

For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".

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(914): View more from New York

just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.

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(209): View more from California

Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."

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(701): View more from North Dakota

you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"

(973): View more from New Jersey

That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."

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(480): View more from Arizona

I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.

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(418): View more from Quebec

I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.

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(314): View more from Missouri

He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.

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(727): View more from Florida

just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer

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(778): View more from British Columbia

we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever

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(706): View more from Georgia

Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?

(1-847): View more from Illinois

It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation

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(815): View more from Illinois

Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.

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(740): View more from Ohio

He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over

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(217): View more from Illinois

Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people

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(678): View more from Georgia

Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.

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(519): View more from Ontario

So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010

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(225): View more from Louisiana

How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?

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(602): View more from Arizona

shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry

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(509): View more from Washington

I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.

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(301): View more from Maryland

seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...

(443): View more from Maryland

that's spring break in florida for ya

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(702): View more from Nevada

I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone

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(281): View more from Texas

I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!

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(602): View more from Arizona

Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking

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(315): View more from New York

in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."

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(479): View more from Arkansas

You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

You got my ass fired just for knowing you

(479): View more from Arkansas

thanks for the bacon

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(360): View more from Washington

It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.

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(240): View more from Maryland

woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.

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(619): View more from California

after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.

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(541): View more from Oregon

You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"

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(416): View more from Toronto

he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...

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(815): View more from Illinois

I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.

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(903): View more from Texas

she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off

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(302): View more from Delaware

He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.

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(516): View more from New York

The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"

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(509): View more from Washington

I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics

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(706): View more from Georgia

That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"

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(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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(407): View more from Florida

Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.

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(905): View more from Ontario

They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"

(905): View more from Ontario

And sadly I did.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Pass out mid-funnel last night.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?

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(716): View more from New York

i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly

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(770): View more from Georgia

I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.

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(425): View more from Washington

I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...

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(574): View more from Indiana

i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.

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(314): View more from Missouri

There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.

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(410): View more from Maryland

She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee

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(778): View more from British Columbia

so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..

(250): View more from British Columbia

i'll start checking the bushes on campus.

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(416): View more from Toronto

the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night

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(315): View more from New York

I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.

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(419): View more from Ohio

A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.

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(714): View more from California

I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.

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(407): View more from Florida

I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?

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(419): View more from Ohio

My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.

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(847): View more from Illinois

We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things

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(845): View more from New York

No more Irish car bombs ever.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Happy St. Patrick's Day.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class

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(214): View more from Texas

I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day

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(810): View more from Michigan

I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again

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(281): View more from Texas

He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.

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(541): View more from Oregon

does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized

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(212): View more from New York

yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"

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(240): View more from Maryland

Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong

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(612): View more from Minnesota

three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.

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(817): View more from Texas

MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?

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(718): View more from New York

You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?

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(941): View more from Florida

Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.

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(407): View more from Florida

the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?

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(315): View more from New York

im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor

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(952): View more from Minnesota

So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome

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(614): View more from Ohio

over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.

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(360): View more from Washington

Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day

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(614): View more from Ohio

True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.

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(248): View more from Michigan

i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.

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(904): View more from Florida

The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long

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(410): View more from Maryland

She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.

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(310): View more from California

as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'

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(216): View more from Ohio

She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.

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(301): View more from Maryland

he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.

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(302): View more from Delaware

just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day

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(636): View more from Missouri

So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator

(908): View more from New Jersey

hello competition

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for

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(334): View more from Alabama

I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.

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(315): View more from New York

I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.

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(972): View more from Texas

Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?

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(301): View more from Maryland

she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break

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(905): View more from Ontario

She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.

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(678): View more from Georgia

she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy

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(816): View more from Missouri

Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.

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(707): View more from California

the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval

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(514): View more from Quebec

You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

we'll go far in life on tits alone.

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(480): View more from Arizona

She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day

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(308): View more from Nebraska

whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?

(636): View more from Missouri

anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."

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(734): View more from Michigan

Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?

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(219): View more from Indiana

So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.

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(914): View more from New York

i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die

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(606): View more from Kentucky

how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?

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(765): View more from Indiana

She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.

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(559): View more from California

You realize it's finals week?

(408): View more from California

Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook

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(512): View more from Texas

We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.

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(773): View more from Illinois

well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance

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(937): View more from Ohio

pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...

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(303): View more from Colorado

He felt like a one man threesome

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(845): View more from New York

Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.

(716): View more from New York

gotta love spring break

(845): View more from New York

gotta love slutty girls from the south

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(586): View more from Michigan

he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.

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(630): View more from Illinois

You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it

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(404): View more from Georgia

If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.

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(404): View more from Georgia

dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere

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(831): View more from California

It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...

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(614): View more from Ohio

It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.

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(510): View more from California

He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.

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(760): View more from California

You did not just play the dead husband card again.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you

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(512): View more from Texas

turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce

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(541): View more from Oregon

You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.

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(301): View more from Maryland

the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"

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(815): View more from Illinois

i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.

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(513): View more from Ohio

They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.

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(206): View more from Washington

I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death

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(513): View more from Ohio

I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila

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(925): View more from California

While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."

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(760): View more from California

so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(813): View more from Florida

So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?

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(254): View more from Texas

our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day

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(512): View more from Texas

watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos

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(973): View more from New Jersey

well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?

(856): View more from New Jersey

Right after we had the just friends talk..

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(314): View more from Missouri

Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.

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(254): View more from Texas

his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker

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(540): View more from Virginia

I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless

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(417): View more from Missouri

i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break

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(540): View more from Virginia

At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

how can getting a pizza be this hard?

(817): View more from Texas

when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible

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(678): View more from Georgia

Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.

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(602): View more from Arizona

When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.

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(646): View more from New York

How are you going to be there by 9am?

(919): View more from North Carolina

Relax I always go to these conferences hung over

(646): View more from New York

You say that like it's a positive quality

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?

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(613): View more from Ontario

oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt

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(541): View more from Oregon

You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.

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(845): View more from New York

As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth

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(801): View more from Utah

don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.

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(956): View more from Texas

You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it

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(562): View more from California

even your uterus rejects him.

(1-562): View more from California

apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.

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(425): View more from Washington

He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.

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(210): View more from Texas

I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.

(1-210): View more from Texas

I love milkshakes.

(210): View more from Texas

Not the point.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

how was last night?

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.

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(817): View more from Texas

As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.

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(239): View more from Florida

just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one

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(913): View more from Kansas

Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone

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(615): View more from Tennessee

How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?

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(630): View more from Illinois

the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?

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(818): View more from California

Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award

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(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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(847): View more from Illinois

she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.

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(815): View more from Illinois

the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants

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(702): View more from Nevada

explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.

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(404): View more from Georgia

my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.

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(585): View more from New York

I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.

(1-585): View more from New York

You are so irish.

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(256): View more from Alabama

dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be

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(229): View more from Georgia

He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

(1-440): View more from Ohio

please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

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(415): View more from California

There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?

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(513): View more from Ohio

his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.

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(905): View more from Ontario

gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way

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(417): View more from Missouri

My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.

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(315): View more from New York

I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.

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(765): View more from Indiana

There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.

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(480): View more from Arizona

So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."

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(906): View more from Michigan

Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore

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(209): View more from California

You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.

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(678): View more from Georgia

How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?

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(540): View more from Virginia

The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!

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(316): View more from Kansas

You love me.

(785): View more from Kansas

That's because, tragically, I adore whores.

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(618): View more from Illinois

the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux

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(360): View more from Washington

Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter

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(641): View more from Iowa

Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.

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(217): View more from Illinois

you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...

(1-217): View more from Illinois

please don't ever take me to a strip club again...

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(847): View more from Illinois

Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?

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(+65): View more from

He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?

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(813): View more from Florida

How am I a tease?

(1-813): View more from Florida

Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.

(813): View more from Florida

ONLY PART OF IT.

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(517): View more from Michigan

On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out

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(319): View more from Iowa

By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.

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(845): View more from New York

Stop trying to talk to my friends!!

(1-845): View more from New York

then get some ugly ones...

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(816): View more from Missouri

If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.

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(937): View more from Ohio

He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was

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(415): View more from California

the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication

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(316): View more from Kansas

i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes

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(626): View more from California

you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...

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(970): View more from Colorado

Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad

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(951): View more from California

Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.

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(847): View more from Illinois

you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.

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(281): View more from Texas

he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."

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(316): View more from Kansas

i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?

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(303): View more from Colorado

Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs

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(503): View more from Oregon

I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet

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(815): View more from Illinois

I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.

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(561): View more from Florida

I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in

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(469): View more from Texas

It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high

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(330): View more from Ohio

this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"

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(650): View more from California

I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.

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(516): View more from New York

His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.

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(305): View more from Florida

If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.

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(514): View more from Quebec

i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.

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(248): View more from Michigan

it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world

(1-248): View more from Michigan

i told you not to try chat roulette

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(330): View more from Ohio

you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.

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(440): View more from Ohio

So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star

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(425): View more from Washington

I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today

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(561): View more from Florida

i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.

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(310): View more from California

do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?

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(804): View more from Virginia

don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you

(1-804): View more from Virginia

couldn't find a condom?

(804): View more from Virginia

basically

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(954): View more from Florida

I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had

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(813): View more from Florida

He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL

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(443): View more from Maryland

You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube

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(407): View more from Florida

I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..

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(650): View more from California

they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"

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(925): View more from California

So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.

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(217): View more from Illinois

he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.

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(519): View more from Ontario

so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.

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(714): View more from California

turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker

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(217): View more from Illinois

You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"

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(207): View more from Maine

i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea

(1-207): View more from Maine

probs a good idea

(207): View more from Maine

i like the whole idea of life and being alive

(1-207): View more from Maine

you sure you're not high?

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(757): View more from Virginia

We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.

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(818): View more from California

Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.

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(631): View more from New York

is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good

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(917): View more from New York City

did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?

(914): View more from New York

you mean faeutihaers?

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(519): View more from Ontario

i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own

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(312): View more from Illinois

dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.

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(713): View more from Texas

this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy

(1-713): View more from Texas

well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.

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(630): View more from Illinois

When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.

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(714): View more from California

i perioded on his leg

(714): View more from California

on. his. leg.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number

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(443): View more from Maryland

My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.

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(785): View more from Kansas

last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.

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(703): View more from Virginia

just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.

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(516): View more from New York

i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"

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(703): View more from Virginia

He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

Wasn't he an English major?

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.

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(317): View more from Indiana

All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...

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(505): View more from New Mexico

These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.

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(716): View more from New York

i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.

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(956): View more from Texas

is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?

(210): View more from Texas

no

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.

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(815): View more from Illinois

So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.

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(404): View more from Georgia

It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top

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(602): View more from Arizona

my dad is going to jail this weekend

(1-602): View more from Arizona

where are we going to get our weed from?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line

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(714): View more from California

Who was that guy you went home with?

(1-714): View more from California

Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people

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(503): View more from Oregon

I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.

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(614): View more from Ohio

If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.

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(248): View more from Michigan

she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.

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(979): View more from Texas

we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?

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(682): View more from Texas

why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

how much adderall did you take today?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.

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(520): View more from Arizona

my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card

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(805): View more from California

do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?

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(217): View more from Illinois

he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame

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(310): View more from California

So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed

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(415): View more from California

If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.

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(716): View more from New York

God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

What'd you guys eat?

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Literally everything that was frozen.

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(309): View more from Illinois

We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(973): View more from New Jersey

She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.

(201): View more from New Jersey

Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....

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(480): View more from Arizona

I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"

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(941): View more from Florida

can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?

(1-941): View more from Florida

idk, I had a turtle in mine.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party

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(864): View more from South Carolina

If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

(828): View more from North Carolina

Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

(864): View more from South Carolina

Previous statement retracted.

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(804): View more from Virginia

is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

she has a santa fetish

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

cute.

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(559): View more from California

So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?

(1-559): View more from California

That depends on who this is.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

no, didnt close...

(978): View more from Massachusetts

What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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(804): View more from Virginia

ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"

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(912): View more from Georgia

This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.

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(650): View more from California

how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.

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(913): View more from Kansas

you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.

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(650): View more from California

on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.

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(408): View more from California

I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible

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(425): View more from Washington

It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

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(585): View more from New York

you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish

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(303): View more from Colorado

You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?

(720): View more from Colorado

Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?

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(240): View more from Maryland

stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(313): View more from Michigan

The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car

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(352): View more from Florida

never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..

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(937): View more from Ohio

i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?

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(214): View more from Texas

Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her

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(906): View more from Michigan

Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here

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(443): View more from Maryland

I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon

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(612): View more from Minnesota

the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."

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(214): View more from Texas

didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.

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(360): View more from Washington

I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.

(1-360): View more from Washington

That changes everything.

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(503): View more from Oregon

today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere

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(304): View more from West Virginia

i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.

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(630): View more from Illinois

note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...

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(231): View more from Michigan

A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics

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(941): View more from Florida

still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break

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(435): View more from Utah

I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.

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(805): View more from California

they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate

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(319): View more from Iowa

you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met

(1-319): View more from Iowa

thanks it was an honor just to be nominated

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(330): View more from Ohio

Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?

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(303): View more from Colorado

i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk

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(650): View more from California

I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?

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(269): View more from Michigan

You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.

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(904): View more from Florida

Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada

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(513): View more from Ohio

Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.

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(907): View more from Alaska

How are you feeling today?

(330): View more from Ohio

i could've thrown up on command at any point today...

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

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(760): View more from California

I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass

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(317): View more from Indiana

she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox

(1-248): View more from Michigan

You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.

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(231): View more from Michigan

my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring

(989): View more from Michigan

i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me

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(612): View more from Minnesota

My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.

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(240): View more from Maryland

This kid is drunk.

(410): View more from Maryland

I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won

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(702): View more from Nevada

His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.

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(425): View more from Washington

the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.

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(541): View more from Oregon

You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience

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(817): View more from Texas

I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

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(845): View more from New York

Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent

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(720): View more from Colorado

I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop

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(940): View more from Texas

Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.

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(205): View more from Alabama

We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.

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(578): View more from

drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm

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(516): View more from New York

and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants

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(368): View more from

you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?

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(207): View more from Maine

no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.

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(516): View more from New York

My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say

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(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

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(972): View more from Texas

Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.

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(971): View more from Oregon

the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Walk of Shame time yet?

(1+44): View more from

Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?

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(520): View more from Arizona

I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.

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(913): View more from Kansas

girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious

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(217): View more from Illinois

Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning

(1-217): View more from Illinois

didn't feel it. :)

(217): View more from Illinois

It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.

(1-217): View more from Illinois

wait what? so it's not in america?

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(985): View more from Louisiana

the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.

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(469): View more from Texas

Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.

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(618): View more from Illinois

i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it

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(650): View more from California

i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous

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(317): View more from Indiana

if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Then she called me a home wrecking whore.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.

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(530): View more from California

before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake

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(703): View more from Virginia

bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..

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(304): View more from West Virginia

tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?

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(310): View more from California

it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined

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(936): View more from Texas

you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"

(1-936): View more from Texas

I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...

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(480): View more from Arizona

YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST

(602): View more from Arizona

I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!

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(813): View more from Florida

Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?

(203): View more from Connecticut

everyone's regretting their thursdays.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.

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(954): View more from Florida

It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?

(1-812): View more from Indiana

You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?

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(727): View more from Florida

he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?

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(212): View more from New York

ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

(1-212): View more from New York

this is Aaron, hi

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.

(571): View more from Virginia

define virginity.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight

(1-480): View more from Arizona

Why?

(480): View more from Arizona

'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward

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(423): View more from Tennessee

so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.

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(314): View more from Missouri

this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often

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(573): View more from Missouri

Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?

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(217): View more from Illinois

you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot

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(216): View more from Ohio

Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.

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(312): View more from Illinois

just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"

(1-312): View more from Illinois

go get him tiger.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.

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(925): View more from California

Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.

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(309): View more from Illinois

So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.

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(571): View more from Virginia

You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?

(703): View more from Virginia

I don't even know what potassium is.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Reggie can tackle my bush.

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(775): View more from Nevada

This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.

(1-775): View more from Nevada

Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.

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(571): View more from Virginia

I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Please get laid.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?

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(239): View more from Florida

When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Wish you were here....

(734): View more from Michigan

And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?

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(954): View more from Florida

hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.

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(917): View more from New York City

under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift

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(408): View more from California

You drunk yet?

(925): View more from California

Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.

(408): View more from California

Cant make any promises.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.

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(513): View more from Ohio

NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...

(1-513): View more from Ohio

God I fucking love America.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.

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(917): View more from New York City

so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...

(845): View more from New York

Are you serious?

(917): View more from New York City

yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...

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(360): View more from Washington

While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.

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(831): View more from California

I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.

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(425): View more from Washington

My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!

(615): View more from Tennessee

I don't wanna die...

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(585): View more from New York

please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD

(206): View more from Washington

Or, you could have used a condom

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.

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(563): View more from Iowa

please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?

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(714): View more from California

I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

(949): View more from California

I gave it to your brother to give to you.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.

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(631): View more from New York

You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.

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(974): View more from

You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.

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(406): View more from Montana

we convinced you the moon was a planet...again

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(714): View more from California

so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)

(1-714): View more from California

i'm so jealous of you right now.

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(240): View more from Maryland

this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.

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(315): View more from New York

Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.

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(407): View more from Florida

cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.

(1-407): View more from Florida

the diet of an alcoholic...

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(631): View more from New York

being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.

(440): View more from Ohio

Honestly, what else do I have going for me?

(216): View more from Ohio

You make a valid point.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.

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(905): View more from Ontario

"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"

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(973): View more from New Jersey

hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent

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(630): View more from Illinois

last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.

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(410): View more from Maryland

To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.

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(703): View more from Virginia

swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

(202): View more from Washington, DC

buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

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(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

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(845): View more from New York

just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism

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(586): View more from Michigan

You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?

(1-586): View more from Michigan

You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again

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(562): View more from California

We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.

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(850): View more from Florida

We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.

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(404): View more from Georgia

on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

i can respect that.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.

(1-970): View more from Colorado

People still let you watch their kids?

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(769): View more from Mississippi

she said she likes her vagina punished

(1-769): View more from Mississippi

being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.

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(518): View more from New York

we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Intervention is following me on twitter.

(440): View more from Ohio

wow.

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(917): View more from New York City

we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.

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(845): View more from New York

our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

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(530): View more from California

i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something

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(228): View more from Mississippi

She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly

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(256): View more from Alabama

my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table

(1-256): View more from Alabama

whatd she say to you?

(256): View more from Alabama

no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle

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(909): View more from California

so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.

(1-909): View more from California

I worship thee.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.

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(802): View more from Vermont

you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.

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(404): View more from Georgia

i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent

(770): View more from Georgia

don't you ever do that...

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(214): View more from Texas

just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....

(1-605): View more from South Dakota

i always knew you were classy

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(434): View more from Virginia

you would not believe what I got pierced last night...

(540): View more from Virginia

son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.

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(613): View more from Ontario

do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?

(1-613): View more from Ontario

not a thing

(613): View more from Ontario

walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom

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(706): View more from Georgia

I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.

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(660): View more from Missouri

dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome

(816): View more from Missouri

no its not leave

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(705): View more from Ontario

I love having hate sex.

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(512): View more from Texas

he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.

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(785): View more from Kansas

The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..

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(203): View more from Connecticut

there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): View more from New York

pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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(304): View more from West Virginia

she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..

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(586): View more from Michigan

just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.

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(916): View more from California

And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.

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(352): View more from Florida

there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals

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(630): View more from Illinois

I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.

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(703): View more from Virginia

i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move

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(340): View more from US Virgin Islands

well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt

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(940): View more from Texas

Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.

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(586): View more from Michigan

i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller

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(678): View more from Georgia

So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving

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(585): View more from New York

Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history

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(732): View more from New Jersey

im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor

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(604): View more from British Columbia

People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky

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(210): View more from Texas

I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up

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(817): View more from Texas

I really wanna talk..

(1-817): View more from Texas

if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down

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(574): View more from Indiana

I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.

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(650): View more from California

some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!

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(773): View more from Illinois

I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.

(847): View more from Illinois

Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.

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(314): View more from Missouri

we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.

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(+61): View more from Australia

i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be

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(+61): View more from Australia

This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade

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(+81): View more from

I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.

(+61): View more from Australia

You're never coming back, are you?

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(417): View more from Missouri

Hookers taste better with whip cream

(816): View more from Missouri

Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too

(417): View more from Missouri

Fair enough

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

I like it rough

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.

(407): View more from Florida

Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.

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(210): View more from Texas

Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father

(973): View more from New Jersey

i think girls just don't want to fuck you

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(214): View more from Texas

I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

he fucked me so hard my future children felt it

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park

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(908): View more from New Jersey

this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened

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(512): View more from Texas

he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before

(806): View more from Texas

he probably also told you he thought u were pretty

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(678): View more from Georgia

I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

suggestion: become a stripper.

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(716): View more from New York

hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work

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(952): View more from Minnesota

history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This is sufficient.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Barney's a jerk

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(770): View more from Georgia

I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.

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(251): View more from Alabama

if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?

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(707): View more from California

yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.

(1-707): View more from California

you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job

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(217): View more from Illinois

so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it

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(757): View more from Virginia

If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...

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(805): View more from California

We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.

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(972): View more from Texas

Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...

(214): View more from Texas

Was she wearing cherry chapstick??

(972): View more from Texas

No. Life's not always a fairytale.....

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(318): View more from Louisiana

So my game is weak??

(501): View more from Arkansas

If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.

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(971): View more from Oregon

He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.

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(407): View more from Florida

the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.

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(909): View more from California

my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks

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(301): View more from Maryland

I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?

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(206): View more from Washington

He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom

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(586): View more from Michigan

The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.

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(813): View more from Florida

Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........

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(631): View more from New York

Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"

(631): View more from New York

I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...

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(402): View more from Nebraska

So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.

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(631): View more from New York

i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.

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(513): View more from Ohio

you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard

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(516): View more from New York

so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs

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(503): View more from Oregon

I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...

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(310): View more from California

my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..

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(203): View more from Connecticut

please don't let me die tonight

(860): View more from Connecticut

what have you done for me lately?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...

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(760): View more from California

I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"

(760): View more from California

When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."

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(812): View more from Indiana

About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.

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(317): View more from Indiana

so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate

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(248): View more from Michigan

Cold hands, warm shart.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u

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(248): View more from Michigan

I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.

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(734): View more from Michigan

just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"

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(313): View more from Michigan

marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!

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(914): View more from New York

Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic

(414): View more from Wisconsin

USA! USA! USA!

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(940): View more from Texas

good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom

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(858): View more from California

I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.

(320): View more from Minnesota

Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.

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(630): View more from Illinois

just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.

(815): View more from Illinois

we live in such a classy society.

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.

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(513): View more from Ohio

There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.

(440): View more from Ohio

...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.

(513): View more from Ohio

That was a text you sent me last night.

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(404): View more from Georgia

where are you?

(1-404): View more from Georgia

sonic

(404): View more from Georgia

Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I don't remember what your face looks like..

(727): View more from Florida

I don't remember your face either, just your dick.

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(647): View more from Ontario

47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.

(1-647): View more from Ontario

Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?

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(303): View more from Colorado

maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."

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(208): View more from Idaho

I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome

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(254): View more from Texas

I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...

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(609): View more from New Jersey

she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made

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(585): View more from New York

broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.

(716): View more from New York

you're writing country songs now?

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(386): View more from Florida

According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.

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(850): View more from Florida

he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.

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(702): View more from Nevada

the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends

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(919): View more from North Carolina

dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple

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(914): View more from New York

omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen

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(913): View more from Kansas

checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.

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(407): View more from Florida

We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.

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(806): View more from Texas

and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...

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(305): View more from Florida

Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

and the officer said have you been drinking

(864): View more from South Carolina

and i said NOO SIR.

(864): View more from South Carolina

and he said, I am a woman.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.

(770): View more from Georgia

WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point

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(817): View more from Texas

Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.

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(516): View more from New York

i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone

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(850): View more from Florida

Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.

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(217): View more from Illinois

i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.

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(917): View more from New York City

Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.

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(727): View more from Florida

what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway

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(248): View more from Michigan

Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke

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(914): View more from New York

you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.

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(818): View more from California

Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.

(1-818): View more from California

Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"

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(618): View more from Illinois

i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.

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(818): View more from California

I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.

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(419): View more from Ohio

i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse

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(209): View more from California

I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.

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(530): View more from California

You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.

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(817): View more from Texas

He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes

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(609): View more from New Jersey

IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

I don't want it.

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(207): View more from Maine

there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I just saw the nastiest chick.

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

Where?

(603): View more from New Hampshire

woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you

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(404): View more from Georgia

three words: i give head

(770): View more from Georgia

three words: not that well

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(914): View more from New York

There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.

(773): View more from Illinois

You spelled "worthless" wrong.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Wrong number and your a loser

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(636): View more from Missouri

tequila makes her clothes fall off

(512): View more from Texas

wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time

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(760): View more from California

new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.

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(631): View more from New York

i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture

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(913): View more from Kansas

Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...

(1-913): View more from Kansas

What?!

(913): View more from Kansas

Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!

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(314): View more from Missouri

his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?

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(510): View more from California

I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...

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(817): View more from Texas

After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.

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(310): View more from California

Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

so when am I gonna get some from you?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

when you dick grows 3 inches

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(519): View more from Ontario

While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.

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(407): View more from Florida

He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.

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(310): View more from California

Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck

(312): View more from Illinois

Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?

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(253): View more from Washington

is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Just found my car keys in your throw-up.

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(916): View more from California

You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..

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(831): View more from California

I puked off the balcony.

(1-831): View more from California

Not horrible

(831): View more from California

Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.

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(407): View more from Florida

At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!

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(856): View more from New Jersey

FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!

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(805): View more from California

we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend

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(315): View more from New York

So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

maybe i'll see you again later :)

(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'd rather shit a knife.

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(415): View more from California

And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"

(1-415): View more from California

What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.

(415): View more from California

He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."

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(661): View more from California

Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?

(1-661): View more from California

What the hell did you do last night?!

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(416): View more from Ontario

So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.

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(804): View more from Virginia

NEVER shave your cleavage hair.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out

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(630): View more from Illinois

he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers

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(847): View more from Illinois

my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.

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(727): View more from Florida

I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.

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(541): View more from Oregon

dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed

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(516): View more from New York

she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".

(917): View more from New York City

I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.

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(801): View more from Utah

so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"

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(425): View more from Washington

he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"

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(727): View more from Florida

She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.

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(917): View more from New York City

we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.

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(404): View more from Georgia

dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.

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(613): View more from Ontario

he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'

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(310): View more from California

she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.

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(917): View more from New York City

you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.

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(310): View more from California

I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.

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(519): View more from Ontario

wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?

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(971): View more from Oregon

:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"

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(410): View more from Maryland

She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.

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(909): View more from California

Would you still love me if I had no teeth

(1-909): View more from California

Yeah why?

(909): View more from California

Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone

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(510): View more from California

i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me

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(607): View more from New York

you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY

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(913): View more from Kansas

I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.

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(630): View more from Illinois

he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage

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(434): View more from Virginia

I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.

(1-434): View more from Virginia

Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

this is your brother

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.

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(915): View more from Texas

so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on

(1-915): View more from Texas

who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me

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(905): View more from Toronto

Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich

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(443): View more from Maryland

So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka

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(480): View more from Arizona

she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds

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(775): View more from Nevada

Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.

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(260): View more from Indiana

He went soft

(631): View more from New York

Wait. During?

(260): View more from Indiana

Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Did we use protection last night?

(1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

Um, no...keep in touch, okay?

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(248): View more from Michigan

SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!

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(931): View more from Tennessee

so today I found out that she used to be a he....

(1-931): View more from Tennessee

are you gonna get a divorce?

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(802): View more from Vermont

my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.

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(480): View more from Arizona

so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.

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(631): View more from New York

My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud

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(703): View more from Virginia

we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'

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(732): View more from New Jersey

So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"

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(423): View more from Tennessee

he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.

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(909): View more from California

WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN

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(206): View more from Washington

got weed?

(425): View more from Washington

I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.

(206): View more from Washington

sorry mom...

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(619): View more from California

We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.

(719): View more from Colorado

she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.

(414): View more from Wisconsin

are you serious?

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(560): View more from

I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?

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(703): View more from Virginia

it wasn't lemon gatorade

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(954): View more from Florida

So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.

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(314): View more from Missouri

he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"

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(816): View more from Missouri

normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me

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(514): View more from Quebec

just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!

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(206): View more from Washington

I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole

(425): View more from Washington

There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(315): View more from New York

We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."

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(971): View more from Oregon

this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word

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(323): View more from California

You got in a fight last night?

(818): View more from California

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): View more from California

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad

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(772): View more from Florida

i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me

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(469): View more from Texas

I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!

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(602): View more from Arizona

So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...

(623): View more from Arizona

What did she do!?

(602): View more from Arizona

I didn't tell her...

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(571): View more from Virginia

Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..

(703): View more from Virginia

this can't be going anywhere good

(571): View more from Virginia

nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\

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(323): View more from California

Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?

(1-323): View more from California

We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?

(323): View more from California

Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.

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(407): View more from Florida

my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.

(510): View more from California

YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.

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(480): View more from Arizona

my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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(408): View more from California

hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)

(650): View more from California

nah, i'm gonna grab some food

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(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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(305): View more from Florida

I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

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(848): View more from New Jersey

I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa

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(325): View more from Texas

wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"

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(619): View more from California

just caught grandpa beating off in the living room

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(308): View more from Nebraska

I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad

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(212): View more from New York

i want you now

(916): View more from California

you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

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(310): View more from California

ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.

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(810): View more from Michigan

i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said

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(757): View more from Virginia

im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?

(804): View more from Virginia

who says it cant be both...

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?

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(847): View more from Illinois

woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year

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(269): View more from Michigan

So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow

(1-269): View more from Michigan

Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10

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(585): View more from New York

im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed

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(951): View more from California

So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.

(909): View more from California

dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.

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(716): View more from New York

she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game

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(270): View more from Kentucky

you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(

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(518): View more from New York

She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.

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(716): View more from New York

My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up

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(512): View more from Texas

I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early

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(816): View more from Missouri

and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours

(816): View more from Missouri

outstanding.

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(208): View more from Idaho

you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.

(1-208): View more from Idaho

did we at least go back and get it?

(208): View more from Idaho

how else do you think we got jack in the box...?

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(727): View more from Florida

Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.

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(816): View more from Missouri

You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"

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(716): View more from New York

I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.

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(917): View more from New York City

Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people

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(949): View more from California

just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.

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(540): View more from Virginia

birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex

(703): View more from Virginia

I'm on my period, period, period

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(407): View more from Florida

mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?

(1-515): View more from Iowa

Eco-friendly.

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(770): View more from Georgia

ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.

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(480): View more from Arizona

My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.

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(818): View more from California

it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning

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(507): View more from Minnesota

So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?

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(614): View more from Ohio

hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked

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(864): View more from South Carolina

If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"

(1-864): View more from South Carolina

as in "white"?

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(917): View more from New York City

im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out

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(858): View more from California

you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.

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(256): View more from Alabama

so my dad walked in on us having sex

(1-256): View more from Alabama

lulz really? why?

(256): View more from Alabama

lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time

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(785): View more from Kansas

Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level

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(813): View more from Florida

yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing

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(859): View more from Kentucky

you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.

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(845): View more from New York

We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?

(1-845): View more from New York

Who won mens moguls?

(845): View more from New York

That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.

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(980): View more from North Carolina

I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.

(704): View more from North Carolina

oh, you finally did the dishes then?

(980): View more from North Carolina

No, bought new ones.

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(440): View more from Ohio

he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...

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(904): View more from Florida

took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

why is allison so mad at me??

(469): View more from Texas

me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".

(318): View more from Louisiana

crap..

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(602): View more from Arizona

I just woke up to me licking the dognuts

(623): View more from Arizona

You mean Doughnuts?

(602): View more from Arizona

......No :(

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(562): View more from California

Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....

(949): View more from California

Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back

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(907): View more from Alaska

Tell me the dirtiest joke you know

(1-907): View more from Alaska

Sarah Palin

(907): View more from Alaska

god, I love you

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(530): View more from California

Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

whose oscar?

(203): View more from Connecticut

the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.

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(850): View more from Florida

how was your day?

(404): View more from Georgia

fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES

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(636): View more from Missouri

His little brother walked in on us. Six times.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I told you not to have sex with her on my futon

(612): View more from Minnesota

I didnt dude, i swear!

(952): View more from Minnesota

either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon

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(708): View more from Illinois

so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..

(614): View more from Ohio

ya and it worked didnt it??

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(440): View more from Ohio

One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm

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(516): View more from New York

you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it

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(360): View more from Washington

my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it

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(229): View more from Georgia

College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant

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(573): View more from Missouri

his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"

(314): View more from Missouri

did it work

(573): View more from Missouri

that's not the point...

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Dude she let me cum on her face

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning

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(614): View more from Ohio

We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.

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(916): View more from California

The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.

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(206): View more from Washington

Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.

(1405): View more from

I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

did you fuck him yet?

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?

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(703): View more from Virginia

we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit

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(219): View more from Indiana

my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus

(317): View more from Indiana

and who said we didn't have goals?

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(301): View more from Maryland

why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?

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(661): View more from California

Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds

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(612): View more from Minnesota

you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.

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(216): View more from Ohio

normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures

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(650): View more from California

after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you

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(559): View more from California

i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...

(559): View more from California

...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.

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(806): View more from Texas

A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"

(501): View more from Arkansas

Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...

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(647): View more from Ontario

ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring

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(859): View more from Kentucky

The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.

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(734): View more from Michigan

wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer

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(410): View more from Maryland

We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

I hope you meant gum...

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...

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(312): View more from Illinois

i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it

(917): View more from New York City

the suitcase or the dildo?

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(410): View more from Maryland

These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you

(541): View more from Oregon

I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.

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(914): View more from New York

getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.

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(330): View more from Ohio

He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"

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(954): View more from Florida

I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Well how do you think I feel

(860): View more from Connecticut

fair enough

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.

(1-813): View more from Florida

Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.

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(818): View more from California

I'm like cupid

(1-818): View more from California

You're a whore with a bow and arrow

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(740): View more from Ohio

I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?

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(913): View more from Kansas

I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.

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(541): View more from Oregon

i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.

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(478): View more from Georgia

closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.

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(847): View more from Illinois

she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides

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(703): View more from Virginia

She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Are you pooping in the stall next to me?

(404): View more from Georgia

Maybe....

(540): View more from Virginia

Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard

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(805): View more from California

i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila

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(206): View more from Washington

My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed

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(631): View more from New York

i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world

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(916): View more from California

I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"

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(251): View more from Alabama

you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

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(248): View more from Michigan

My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks

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(716): View more from New York

An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend

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(734): View more from Michigan

swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

just woke up in my neighbors garage.

(931): View more from Tennessee

scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.

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(914): View more from New York

I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster

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(949): View more from California

went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later

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(847): View more from Illinois

you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics

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(970): View more from Colorado

How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?

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(631): View more from New York

just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?

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(219): View more from Indiana

she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.

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(240): View more from Maryland

She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.

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(585): View more from New York

she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?

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(650): View more from California

last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'

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(806): View more from Texas

Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

just left the emergency room. condom extraction.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home

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(630): View more from Illinois

You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...

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(206): View more from Washington

He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.

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(386): View more from Florida

he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk

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(563): View more from Iowa

when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.

(1-304): View more from West Virginia

That wasn't intended for you, my bad.

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(214): View more from Texas

did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?

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(812): View more from Indiana

Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.

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(574): View more from Indiana

We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop

(551): View more from New Jersey

I really wish I could say this is a new low for you

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(810): View more from Michigan

I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.

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(516): View more from New York

i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.

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(636): View more from Missouri

trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.

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(757): View more from Virginia

im trying to make cookies in the george foreman

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(914): View more from New York

My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.

(845): View more from New York

She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?

(914): View more from New York

well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey

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(207): View more from Maine

hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on

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(336): View more from North Carolina

If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed

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(408): View more from California

you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face

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(419): View more from Ohio

Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"

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(916): View more from California

I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting

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(630): View more from Illinois

He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.

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(571): View more from Virginia

there were more penises there than on chat roulette

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box

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(410): View more from Maryland

this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments

(320): View more from Minnesota

You know how I know you're gay?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.

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(630): View more from Illinois

my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.

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(703): View more from Virginia

we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.

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(707): View more from California

I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n

(559): View more from California

sry, psychiatrist trumps professor

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(740): View more from Ohio

this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

he had to chose between the booze and condoms

(774): View more from Massachusetts

what did he choose?

(857): View more from Massachusetts

the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?

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(208): View more from Idaho

dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here

(1-208): View more from Idaho

what the hell does that mean?

(208): View more from Idaho

nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages

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(914): View more from New York

you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped

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(503): View more from Oregon

So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.

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(314): View more from Missouri

screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.

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(503): View more from Oregon

You'll be proud of me

(1-503): View more from Oregon

Who did you not have sex with

(503): View more from Oregon

Damn it...you know me too well

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(402): View more from Nebraska

she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...

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(313): View more from Michigan

hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?

(734): View more from Michigan

nope, you were tallying rejections at the party

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write

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(701): View more from North Dakota

The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.

(406): View more from Montana

And we all know God doesn't like sinners.

(701): View more from North Dakota

Amen.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i just stepped in cum. i hate you.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Thats what happens when you don't swallow.

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(330): View more from Ohio

You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".

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(612): View more from Minnesota

adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome

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(219): View more from Indiana

talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?

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(325): View more from Texas

just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?

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(540): View more from Virginia

Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Drinking in an igloo changes everything.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.

(763): View more from Minnesota

haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.

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(907): View more from Alaska

The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.

(907): View more from Alaska

Nevermind, it's not water.

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(805): View more from California

you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"

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(231): View more from Michigan

I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide

(231): View more from Michigan

please tell me this is not legit

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(847): View more from Illinois

what did you hear about me?

(630): View more from Illinois

that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around

(630): View more from Illinois

that was hard to say and not laugh

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(860): View more from Connecticut

you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer

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(707): View more from California

she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on

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(205): View more from Alabama

You better have your party panties on Saturday!

(1-205): View more from Alabama

Why only Saturday?

(205): View more from Alabama

Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.

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(773): View more from Illinois

You're such a slut.

(318): View more from Louisiana

I prefer opportunist.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?

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(661): View more from California

i wish semen tasted like chocolate

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(315): View more from New York

You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.

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(410): View more from Maryland

...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...

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(678): View more from Georgia

he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.

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(407): View more from Florida

It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.

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(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.

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(541): View more from Oregon

And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor

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(706): View more from Georgia

Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.

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(310): View more from California

it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Want any specific kind of beer?

(623): View more from Arizona

Yeah. Alcohol flavor.

(701): View more from North Dakota

Got it. Anything but Miller.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog

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(239): View more from Florida

it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.

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(224): View more from Illinois

She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.

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(760): View more from California

We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.

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(614): View more from Ohio

She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.

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(907): View more from Alaska

the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops

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(707): View more from California

he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?

(1-707): View more from California

logic in its finest

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(216): View more from Ohio

wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?

(330): View more from Ohio

yes... and buy you lunch

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(903): View more from Texas

Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Me specifically?

(903): View more from Texas

Yep.

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(818): View more from California

I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter

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(314): View more from Missouri

I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.

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(817): View more from Texas

maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.

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(661): View more from California

No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON

(651): View more from Minnesota

clearly you have your priorities straight

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(630): View more from Illinois

Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head

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(816): View more from Missouri

just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.

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(618): View more from Illinois

remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back

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(305): View more from Florida

It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.

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(510): View more from California

I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk

(415): View more from California

yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts

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(516): View more from New York

watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...

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(519): View more from Ontario

When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook

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(803): View more from South Carolina

that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?

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(210): View more from Texas

Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.

(1-931): View more from Tennessee

Wtf? What happened?

(931): View more from Tennessee

Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.

(1-907): View more from Alaska

Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..

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(740): View more from Ohio

Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow

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(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.

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(248): View more from Michigan

My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.

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(516): View more from New York

The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.

(843): View more from South Carolina

drunk me is so punny.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.

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(303): View more from Colorado

who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make

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(905): View more from Ontario

heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

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(703): View more from Virginia

Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

New charity walk idea!

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(314): View more from Missouri

I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me

(847): View more from Illinois

No promises.

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(702): View more from Nevada

When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

I've always been the spiritual type.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

well i fucked her too, so yes.

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(425): View more from Washington

This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!

(1-314): View more from Missouri

What?

(314): View more from Missouri

I have a yeast infection.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.

(208): View more from Idaho

ha well at least you have goals.

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(804): View more from Virginia

my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.

(1-804): View more from Virginia

I'm on my way.

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(209): View more from California

I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.

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(480): View more from Arizona

he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.

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(775): View more from Nevada

hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class

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(816): View more from Missouri

believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.

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(678): View more from Georgia

This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Go to google and type XXX

(1-304): View more from West Virginia

.......Is that how you look for porn?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I smell stomach acid.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool

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(304): View more from West Virginia

you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC

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(304): View more from West Virginia

my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Whatever it was. it was pregnant.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores

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(304): View more from West Virginia

apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh

(513): View more from Ohio

is this your pickup line?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over

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(304): View more from West Virginia

its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous

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(304): View more from West Virginia

alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2

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(304): View more from West Virginia

enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".

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(304): View more from West Virginia

you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life

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(304): View more from West Virginia

please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.

(307): View more from Wyoming

Haha. Niice.

(479): View more from Arkansas

Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.

(307): View more from Wyoming

both.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face

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(785): View more from Kansas

so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse

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(240): View more from Maryland

We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game

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(214): View more from Texas

You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.

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(209): View more from California

she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook

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(760): View more from California

It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.

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(205): View more from Alabama

So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls

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(407): View more from Florida

I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now

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(812): View more from Indiana

Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??

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(704): View more from North Carolina

giving yourself 2 days to recover i see

(828): View more from North Carolina

I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?

(816): View more from Missouri

i hope so.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea

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(661): View more from California

Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.

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(207): View more from Maine

I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well

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(313): View more from Michigan

We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on

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(310): View more from California

but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.

(417): View more from Missouri

I'm going for alcohol poisoning.

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(314): View more from Missouri

10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza

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(440): View more from Ohio

woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.

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(214): View more from Texas

I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.

(1-214): View more from Texas

that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary

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(540): View more from Virginia

hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.

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(714): View more from California

Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.

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(917): View more from New York City

Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.

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(310): View more from California

so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?

(818): View more from California

by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ

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(815): View more from Illinois

You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark

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(678): View more from Georgia

did u really fuck my little sister???

(706): View more from Georgia

im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"

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(231): View more from Michigan

bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.

(517): View more from Michigan

Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.

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(319): View more from Iowa

we need to stop having unprotected sex.

(1-319): View more from Iowa

ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.

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(812): View more from Indiana

The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.

(317): View more from Indiana

Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.

(812): View more from Indiana

Ah, my reputation precedes me.

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(209): View more from California

His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted

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(647): View more from Ontario

on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..

(1-647): View more from Ontario

who won?

(647): View more from Ontario

THAT is your concern right now?

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(607): View more from New York

haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.

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(614): View more from Ohio

can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?

(740): View more from Ohio

bitches.

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(813): View more from Florida

watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.

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(618): View more from Illinois

We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.

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(513): View more from Ohio

there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"

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(757): View more from Virginia

I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.

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(757): View more from Virginia

He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.

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(815): View more from Illinois

He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?

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(512): View more from Texas

Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.

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(404): View more from Georgia

She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.

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(772): View more from Florida

The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...

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(862): View more from New Jersey

dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf

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(619): View more from California

You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

6 min

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(586): View more from Michigan

at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....

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(818): View more from California

Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.

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(360): View more from Washington

on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?

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(317): View more from Indiana

eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers

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(530): View more from California

I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER

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(845): View more from New York

the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did

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(970): View more from Colorado

Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"

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(260): View more from Indiana

dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?

(1-260): View more from Indiana

what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing

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(972): View more from Texas

Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world

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(404): View more from Georgia

Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags

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(517): View more from Michigan

the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season

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(605): View more from South Dakota

So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?

(720): View more from Colorado

This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Im watching someone hooking up in the library

(970): View more from Colorado

procrastination at its finest

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(417): View more from Missouri

Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot

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(941): View more from Florida

so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.

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(208): View more from Idaho

The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it

(919): View more from North Carolina

Are you talking about my vagina?

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(314): View more from Missouri

When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..

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(407): View more from Florida

She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.

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(613): View more from Ontario

you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved

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(310): View more from California

you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity

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(914): View more from New York

he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3

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(720): View more from Colorado

She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.

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(310): View more from California

and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity

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(623): View more from Arizona

everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.

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(925): View more from California

I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..

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(406): View more from Montana

As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?

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(815): View more from Illinois

i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.

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(949): View more from California

she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."

(949): View more from California

little did she know i was taping her the whole time.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.

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(614): View more from Ohio

she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better

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(973): View more from New Jersey

He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?

(573): View more from Missouri

pat the guy you slept with

(314): View more from Missouri

still need a last name

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(256): View more from Alabama

I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up

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(303): View more from Colorado

My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)

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(408): View more from California

She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids

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(630): View more from Illinois

You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..

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(303): View more from Colorado

okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.

(785): View more from Kansas

again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night

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(651): View more from Minnesota

dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw

(651): View more from Minnesota

by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one

(609): View more from New Jersey

ravioli

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.

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(630): View more from Illinois

just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea

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(737): View more from Texas

and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"

(303): View more from Colorado

I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.

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(813): View more from Florida

y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?

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(912): View more from Georgia

There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.

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(360): View more from Washington

He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.

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(925): View more from California

dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning

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(785): View more from Kansas

It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon

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(707): View more from California

he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting

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(909): View more from California

Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.

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(660): View more from Missouri

i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.

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(850): View more from Florida

u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.

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(773): View more from Illinois

It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.

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(623): View more from Arizona

I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap

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(310): View more from California

Slut skills are useful in every country.

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(904): View more from Florida

I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.

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(765): View more from Indiana

A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.

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(407): View more from Florida

she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store

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(269): View more from Michigan

I don't know where I am but there are firefighters

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

bitch

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(225): View more from Louisiana

wtf

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.

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(847): View more from Illinois

just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out

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(440): View more from Ohio

Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.

(703): View more from Virginia

mine is 'the'.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.

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(817): View more from Texas

so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.

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(510): View more from California

You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.

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(915): View more from Texas

My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga

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(224): View more from Illinois

finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..

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(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.

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(301): View more from Maryland

it's like iHOP with fire

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(614): View more from Ohio

Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out

(574): View more from Indiana

You never cease to amaze me.

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(519): View more from Ontario

duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.

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(909): View more from California

is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?

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(309): View more from Illinois

My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?

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